When I first met my friend Daniel (not his real name) four years ago, he was not yet divorced, though he had been separated from his wife for a year and a half. Because Daniel was my age and living a single lifestyle, I sometimes found it difficult to remember his marital situation. We never considered dating -- mainly because we didn't share a faith in Christ -- but I occasionally found myself in sketchy moral territory. For example, was it wrong for the two of us to have dinner alone since he was not technically single?
In today's featured article "Beware: Black Diamond," Christina Holder shares her own tale of being pursued by an unavailable man. Surprisingly, these kinds of pursuers (and on the female-side seducers) are more common than you might think -- even in Christian circles. I've known Christians who got involved in relationships where one or both of the individuals were married. These kinds of relationships severely stray from the course God has set for love.
Thankfully, the author was astute enough to see it quickly and her mind was protected by truth. She writes:
I knew that no matter how good-looking Paye was -- or how much I wanted to hear his words -- that I couldn't let my emotions make a decision for me. The only way to deal with my temptation was to loosen its grasp at the first chance I got -- even if that meant being as abrupt as the swift swing of a car door.
The night after our failed date, Paye's freshly deleted phone number flashed across my phone display. I knew my only way out was to continue on my own path of escape.
"No temptation has overtaken you but such is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it," it says in 1 Corinthians 10:13.
I silenced the phone.
If you are flirting with the idea of a forbidden relationship, take Holder's advice and act swiftly to flee the temptation. Giving in to sin not only causes you to stray from God's best, it eternally impacts the lives of others.
A few nights ago I was talking with a friend -- we'll call her Jenny -- who has been spending some time with a certain single guy. They have mutual friends. He's new to her small town and doesn't know many people. And they share some common interests. Now, under ordinary circumstances, you might think this friendship has the potential for more. The thing is, this guy -- we'll call him James -- though very nice, is not a believer.
Because they don't share their faith in common, Jenny has looked upon her relationship with James as just a good friendship. In fact, as far as I can tell, her emotions have not slipped into entertaining even an inkling of romantic inclination. However, as all good male-female friendships tend to go, Jenny and James recently reached a crossroads in their friendship.
Jenny called to tell me that James has recently been releasing little flirty comments into the text-o-sphere. For example, "My friends asked me where my 'girlfriend' was tonight." And that wasn't the first time he'd dropped the g-word (girlfriend). Jenny asked me how she should broach the subject with James of her personal conviction not to date unbelievers.
This made me think of the times I have handled -- sometimes badly -- this situation. One time, at a party, a friend of a friend asked me if I would like to go out on a date. Knowing that he wasn't a Christian, I unfortunately blasted him with my bluntness: "I'm flattered, but I only date Christians."
After an awkward, squirming moment, he uncomfortably said, "And I'm definitely not one." Then he made an excuse to exit stage right. I knew the moment the words left my mouth that I hadn't been a great testimony in my response. At the same time, I couldn't think of what else to say. I'd told the truth.
Several years later, I found myself in a similar situation. I had struck up a friendship with a guy who was not a Christian, and he began making it clear that he had dating on his mind. This time I sent an e-mail, explaining that I had picked up on his attentions toward me and that I took dating seriously and considered a shared faith the most important factor. He took it well, and our friendship continues to this day.
If you hold the conviction not to date unbelievers, how do you communicate this in a graceful way? (For a primer on why shared faith is a biblical principle for relationships, I recommend Carolyn McCulley's article "Same-Lord Relationships.")
Thankfully, the day after we spoke, Jenny had a great opportunity to talk about her faith and view on relationships with James before he even asked her on a date. "I think he understood where I'm coming from and won't ask me out," she said. Now she is excited about the opportunity to be a testimony to James of what it looks like to be a godly, intentional single. How have you handled romantic offers from those who don't share your faith? How can Christian singles express grace in the turndown?
Relationships -- at least successful ones -- are full of give and take, adaptability and compromise. Most of us have heard jokes about leaving the seat up or whether the toilet paper should roll "over" or "under," but sometimes those annoying little habits can turn into romantic dealbreakers when one or both parties refuses to change even a little bit.
I remember several years ago having a conversation with a single coworker about the available bachelors we both knew. She was in her mid- to late-20s at the time, and I mentioned a never-married guy who was probably pushing 40. While this young woman was eager to meet that special someone, she still seemed hesitant. Pressed further, she said it wasn't the age difference that concerned her, it was the fact that this man -- nice as he was -- had spent more than half his life as a single adult.
"Most men that age," she said, "are too set in their ways."
She wasn't opposed to dating somewhat older men, she said, but experience had taught her that many longtime bachelors have developed habits they are reluctant or even unwilling to alter. Simply put, when you've lived on your own for some 20 years, you're bound to settle into a routine or two or 27.
I've made sweeping generalizations before, so I'm not about to do so now. Besides, since I got married at 26, I'm not able to address this topic based on my own experience. So I'll ask you, dear Boundless readers -- do you agree with this sentiment? Do you think that singles, male or female, become more resistant to change as they get older?
Now, lest you think of this post as yet another depressing reminder from Boundless of how hard it is to find a spouse once you've passed age 40, I hereby give you hope: Remember that coworker who passed on dating the fortysomething guy? Well, that same man later met a single mom with two kids and is now very happily married.
Did he likely have to make a few compromises as he made the transition from bachelor to husband and father? No doubt he did, but isn't that what healthy relationships are all about?
Not too long ago, I read on the front cover of a Christian college newspaper about a couple who had made their own marriage commitment, spur of the moment, by themselves, on a beach. They told friends and relatives about it later, after they'd secured a marriage license. The couple's justification for their seeming indiscretion was that they were "married in the eyes of the Lord."
Something about this article really troubled me. I suppose you could make a case that the couple had physically made a covenant before God by consummating their relationship. But, to me (and I'm guessing to their family and friends), it appeared to be a lack of self-control. In his article, "Is Living Together Really a Big Deal?" author Ed Gungor makes a similar observation:
Most of us know people who are in love, plan to marry and currently live together. It’s sort of the new premarital counseling program. I visited a church out West that had a “pre-marriage” ceremony for a couple living together. No license. No wedding dress. Just a prayer of blessing to hold them over until the couple walked down the aisle—a kind of marital “appetizer,” I guess. I asked the pastor why they did it. He said, “The couple believes they are married in the eyes of the Lord, and we just wanted them to feel affirmation in our community.”
What did I think about it? I was bummed about it. I actually believe that marriage needs to be public and people need to vow into it in front of those who matter to them—it’s not just a private matter in front of the Lord. Truth is, those who declare they are married “in God’s eyes” seem to reframe their claim when they break up with their live-in partner. Then they claim they were never “really married.” This makes me very dubious about the “married in the eyes of the Lord” doctrine.
Gungor gives one of the best explanations I've ever heard of the emotional and psychological reasons sex should be saved for marriage. Beyond that, he reaffirms the value of a public demonstration of marriage:
If a Christian couple loves each other enough to jump in the hay, I think they should get married in the eyes of God and the rest of us. Marriage is not a private sacrament; it impacts the whole community of faith. It’s the right thing to do, and disciples do the right thing. They don’t just live on love—emotions, feelings and hormones—they live on principles, beliefs and disciplines that develop character. Pagans (and children) only live for themselves—they live for the “now” and feelings alone.
There were moments during our engagement when my now-husband and I had to remind ourselves of the importance of self-control and living above reproach in the courtship process. And it came down to what Gungor expresses here: "Disciples do the right thing." We may be tempted to find loopholes, but in the end it is gratifying and beneficial ... and just plain right ... to follow God's way.
The other day I sat around a lunch table with a group of twenty-somethings. We got to talking about dating, and one girl made a very interesting point. "I think guys don't pursue the way we women want them to because they're getting their needs met through many different women and waiting for the non-existent all-in-one superwife."
Someone asked her to explain what she meant.
"Well," she said, "a guy may have one girl who makes him laugh, another with whom he can have deep conversation and still another that offers him encouragement."
I'm not relaying this conversation to put blame on guys, because I think women do this, too. At least I did. As a single, I had a guy friend to run with, a couple of guys I had dinner with every few months and another male friend with whom I could enjoy theological discussions over coffee. Part of surviving and enjoying life as a single is having meaningful relationships with members of the opposite sex. And these friendships do meet needs to a certain level.
The important question is: Do these relationships hinder people, men in particular, from engaging in intentional, one-woman relationships? Does it stave off the craving for a sole companion to the point where guys lose the desire to pursue? Or, like the twenty-something woman at my lunch table speculated, does this kind of diversifying make men (or women) discontent with an individual who possesses less than ALL the qualities he (or she) is getting from many people?
I don't know the answer. If this is the case, though, what can be done to end this consumer-based kind of relationship-building? How can singles reserve enough of themselves to be drawn to intentional relationships that offer them something they're not currently getting from a variety of sources?
You Should Know by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 10/23/2009 at 10:13 AM
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article called "What Girls Wish You Knew." The motivation behind writing this piece was the Christian guys I knew who would make great husbands but were unknowingly doing or saying things that alienated the women around them.
The thing was, these guys tended to blame their lack of options on the wrong problems. The qualities I called for included:
Show some respect
Love your family
Take initiative
John Thomas wrote the complement piece (which received far more hits) called "What Guys Wish You Knew." Among the morsels John offered:
Drop the mask
Less criticism, more support
Remember the good guy
If you are a single guy, what do you wish the girls around you knew? If you are a single woman, what do you wish you could tell guys?
On this week's Boundless podcast, I answered a question from a guy in a relationship who's troubled that he's still attracted to other women. I assured him it was normal to feel attraction to members of the opposite sex whether in a dating relationship or even in marriage. The real issue is what you do about it. Meaning, are you acting on that attraction by being flirtatious in any way?
One listener felt I didn't go far enough. Here's her e-mail in response to the segment:
I am writing in response to Motte's answer to the question in this week's Boundless Show (Episode 91). Although I agree that attraction to members of the opposite sex can continue while in a serious relationship (I am married), I believe that letting that instantaneous feeling of attraction last long enough to give it a second thought is flat out wrong.
In my mind it is just like any other form of temptation -- while the temptation itself is not a sin, dwelling on it is sinful. The proper response to the feeling of attraction (whether physical or emotional) is to take that thought captive and submit it to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5).
The issue boils down to one of self-control. Although in practice it is not easy to exhibit such self-control, that does not change the truth of the matter. It seemed like Motte was hitting at the right thing in his reply to the question but I felt that he never came out and said that, ultimately, it is wrong to let yourself continue to feel attraction to someone outside of the relationship God has placed you in.
If it is something that one is struggling with then, by all means, seek out help, as was suggested, but letting your thoughts run away with you to the point of needing someone to hold you accountable for them is a serious thing.
I agree I could have said more. One thought I had after the recording is that if you find you're constantly battling feelings of attraction, it could mean you have a problem objectifying members of the opposite sex. And that is a serious thing.
What I mean is this. If you're in a relationship, another person's beauty or personality outside of your significant other isn't for you to enjoy; it's for their spouse (or future spouse) to enjoy. The pleasure you're getting by admiring someone's physique is pure selfishness.
I've written previously that there are probably many women I could allow myself to become attracted to. But I've already made my choice. And I need to be fully satisfied in her beauty and companionship alone.
Is there someone special you've been hesitating to ask out? Here are four date ideas that seem to garner great results. (That's just my opinion.)
The join-me-and-my-friends-date. This can be the perfect way to get to know a girl in a comfortable setting. Just before I began dating my husband, Kevin, he invited me to a game night with some of his friends. In the get-to-know-you phase of a relationship, inviting the girl to be part of your group of friends can be a great way to spend time together without the pressure.
The favorite activity date. Have you met someone who enjoys the same activity you do? Invite her to join you. One of my friends likes to mountain bike. When he learned Maria, a friendly girl he met at church, shared his interest, he asked her to join him on a ride. Doing something they both enjoyed provided the perfect atmosphere to get to know each other. They soon discovered other things they had in common, and two years later they're married with a baby.
The special event date. Special events give guys a great opportunity to spend time with that girl they've had their eye on. One guy I know first began dating his now-wife after he invited her to a special military dinner. Before the event he had known her as just a nice girl who had attended his high school, but that event began the romance that led to marriage.
The this-is-definitely-a-date date. The three previously mentioned dates are good starter dates. However, once your intentions could become unclear to the woman you're showing interest in, you should initiate a date or conversation that leaves her in no doubt of your affections. After the join-me-and-my-friends-date, Kevin invited me to go hiking (favorite activity date). But when he picked me up, he brought me flowers. Though the date itself could have been viewed as a friend thing, the flowers gave away the fact that it was not. Kevin's boldness impressed me. Yes, showing up at my door with flowers was a risk, but he knew my response would either propel the relationship forward or end it before it entered the buddy zone.
Is there someone you've been wanting to get to know better? Why not give one of these four dates a try this weekend. Any other suggestions out there?
He wants to know if I could write a complementary piece for guys. The myths I mentioned for women are:
God will give me a husband when I'm ready.
God views me more as a useful tool than a beloved child.
When it's the right guy, I'll just know.
When I get married, then my life will begin.
Marriage will/will not meet my deepest needs.
There must be something wrong with me. If I could just figure out what it is, I could fix it and guys would start showing interest.
The older I get, the less likely it is that I will find someone.
I'm not sure if I can pull off an article with the myths single men believe, but maybe you guys could comment on this post and fill me in. What incorrect perspectives on relationships, singleness and marriage do you think Christian single guys hold? Are they the same as the ones women believe or different?
We received an e-mail from a 30-year-old man over the weekend who's been on a few dates in his life, but they all seem to end with the dreaded "you're a nice guy, but...."
He wants to become married, and has recently become newly inspired to change some things in order to become more attractive to the opposite sex. He explained:
Then I thought, maybe I should try to get rid of this nice guy of mine, before I give up my dreams of marriage.
He went on:
So I read a book about Christian "nice guys" which was inspiring. I recognized some patterns from my own life, and it described an attractive goal. But I felt like it was lacking in directions on how to get there — basically, it just said "be bold and fearless," or something like that.
He concluded:
Do you have any hints about how to convert a somewhat shy and nerdy (but also caring and intelligent) man into someone that at least some women could be interested in? How do you get that confidence that everyone seems to find so attractive?
I had a few minutes this morning, so I sent him the following e-mail:
Hey, great question. I'll forward it to our blogging team to see if anyone is up to writing about it.
In the meantime, I'm struck by your using the term "shy" to describe your personality, and encouraged by your recognition that a solution may be to become more "fearless." Shyness, in most cases, is simply what the Bible calls "fear of man." It's a concern that others will think poorly of you.
Scripture encourages us not to weigh too heavily what others think, but to instead weigh heavily what God thinks. We are to "fear" the Lord, not those around us. I wrote a bit about this here: "Are You Shy?"
Regarding your thoughts about becoming "bold," I think that's awesome. Here are some things to strive toward: "For Guys Only: The Marks of Manhood."
Finally, we all must keep in mind that you won't be entirely mature, ever, but you should have a "trajectory" toward godly maturity. So don't be discouraged if you're still shy from time to time; be encouraged that you're working on overcoming that. We write a bit about that here: "Faith for the Man He'll Become."
I do hope this is helpful, my friend. Hm. Maybe I'll just write that blog post and ask our readers to add their 2¢.
Ted.
So that's what I'm doing -- writing a blog that asks you to add your 2¢.
Today's Boundless Answers by Candice reminded me of an e-mail I received a few weeks ago. A guy friend of mine in another town told me one of his friends was starting a Bible study to encourage the women in their singles' group to put appropriate effort into their outward appearance. "Basically," he said, "my friend believes these girls aren't doing anything to dress attractively or take care of themselves -- essentially "look cute" for the guys they're hoping to attract."
The reader featured in today's column admits to a lifelong struggle with her weight and asks Candice if she can still hope to attract a husband. Candice's answer is insightful:
What's most important in our efforts to be beautiful is a godly perspective. The Bible says our hearts house our Lord; that our bodies are temples where the Holy Spirit dwells. It only makes sense that we do the best with what we've been given to keep them healthy and fit. It's a matter of stewardship.
I believe the healthy ideal is to eat foods in as close to their natural state as possible, to eat when you're hungry, to stop eating before you're full, and to incorporate movement into your lifestyle. The more liveable your fitness routine, the more likely you'll do it.
Like you, I've been up and down on the scale. And whether heavy or light, I feel best when I'm focusing on the people in my life, my relationship with God and the work He's called me to. If I never thought about food, weight, or body image again, that would be wonderful! It seems the women who do their best in these areas, then get on with life, are the most relaxed and delightful to be with. It's not just looks that attract men, but attitudes!
Certainly, if there are things a woman can do to look more feminine and take appropriate pride in her body, she should do them. Her attitude and demeanor may change just out of the sense of well-being and confidence she receives from exercising, putting on a little make-up or wearing attractive clothes that suit her body type.
But like Candice points out, ultimately beauty comes from within and all types of women attract husbands:
Getting married isn't about "looking good enough," it's about being fully who God made you to be. I pray that you will find your identity in your maker and be fully at rest in Him, trusting that His design for your body is good. May He strengthen you for the work of being a good steward, enable you to enjoy the fruits of those efforts and be at peace with the results.
I used to fall into the "is my appearance keeping me single" trap. [See "I Let Myself Go."] Once I started really trying to look my best and take care of myself, the confidence that came with that seemed to grab the attention of the guys around me. As Candice says, life is about "being fully who God created you to be." That is where true beauty can flourish.
I've been editor of Boundless for over four years now, immersed in issues relevant to young adults.
Since editing and publishing my first Boundless article in 2005, I've wrestled with those who label us "marriage mandaters," as though we command all single adults to get married now. And I've wrestled with those who think we're too lax in encouraging intentionality toward relationships, who criticize us for affirming those who are unmarried.
Say that marriage is "normative," and many singles feel wounded at the perception that something might be "wrong" with them. Say that singleness is a blessed state, preferred by Paul for believers (1 Corinthians 7), and one may seem to diminish the value of marriage (while possibly giving some singles unwarranted encouragement to stay in neutral).
What we need is balance. The truth is that some get married, and some don't. The Lord wills that many eventually marry, and that a number remain unmarried. Both can honor Him in their choices, in the differing ways they serve, pursuing His will in His timing.
Yes, the desire to marry can be too strong. It can also be too weak. And some are blessed to pursue a life of service free from the responsibilities of marriage. Alex explores these issues and more in his latest Boundless article. I'd be interested in hearing how what he writes resonates with you; what did you find helpful, and what could he have done a better job with?
"[a] man suspected of robbing a North Side woman apparently couldn't resist returning to her home to ask for a date."
Apparently, a young woman and young man were robbed at gunpoint by three men in an apartment parking lot on Saturday night. The robbers got away with the man's wallet and the woman's purse before being scared off by a neighbor. Then,
Less than two hours later, one of the three robbers returned to where Martinez lives to ask her out, police said.
"We are not exactly sure what he was thinking at the time," Columbus police Sgt. Shaun Laird told WBNS-TV (Channel 10).
"She recognized him right away when he returned, and was able to have her cousin call 911."
Police arrived within minutes and arrested Bennett.
Police are looking for two other men who they believe participated in the robbery.
Hmmm ... I know that we here at Boundless do encourage men to initiate and to risk rejection. And we do encourage intentionality (for both guys and gals).
But, what do you think? Do we need to encourage possible readers to check out that eighth commandment first?
It's weird. I was just thinking about this last night. I am on the precipice between singleness and marriage, and I'm stepping over the edge on Saturday. God has given me an incredible journey. He introduced me to my future husband, Kevin, and made the dominoes of our relationship fall faster, and with more precision, than I could have ever imagined.
Last night I was telling Kevin that I felt like I got a much better story than I deserved. Though I have trusted God with my singleness and prayed for a suitable mate, I have never expected God to give me something extra special for my efforts. And yet, in His generosity, He did. But it simply wasn't because of anything I did; it was out of His goodness -- and for His reasons and in His timing. I am glad I waited on Him.
Yesterday a Boundless reader encouraged me with the following message:
Usually when I'm going through something I don't want to go through, I start praying for whoever will go through the same thing I'm going through because I know God is preparing me to minster to them. God has given you validity in your testimony to minister to people that struggle hearing the same words of encouragement from women like me. Don't let anything silence your testimony. You'll save lives with the hope in your story!
Something I don't want to go through. Many times that has been my singleness. I have questioned God's plan more times than I'd like to admit. But I did my best to walk with Him and stay on the path. "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps" (Proverbs 16:9). Stay on the path, friends, and don't give up. Not because you are promised a fairytale ending but because at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up (Gal. 6:9). And ultimately it's not about you; it's about God's glory. Being swept up in the beauty of that is more satisfying than anything else in this life.
Don't expect me to use my story as some kind of formula for other singles. That is not my heart. God deals with His children uniquely. My hope is that God uses my story to encourage you in His sovereignty, love and desire to pour out His goodness on you. True, I am embarking on a new season, but I know it will require the same faithfulness and obedience I have sought to exercise up until this point. And I will do my best to continue to encourage you to "take hold of the life that is truly life" (1 Tim. 6:19). Talk to you after the honeymoon!
A reader asked me to expand on a statement in my recent article. I wrote:
As I waited in singleness throughout my 20s — sometimes patiently, other times not-so-patiently — my perspective on relationships matured and I became more open to what God had for me as opposed to my own ideas. Through the wisdom of godly mentors, I adopted an approach of intentional receptivity toward potential mates. Admittedly the possibilities were not always plentiful.
Men are always told to be intentional in relationships, but I believe women should be intentional, too. If a "possibility" is lingering, a woman should discern whether this is something God is leading her to and respond accordingly. For me, intentional receptivity looked like the following:
Being open to building friendships with members of the opposite sex. Some women can be very astringent in their approach to men. If they feel no initial romantic attraction to a fella, they treat him with chilly indifference. This stifles friendships that may or may not lead to more. One woman I know, who takes this coldness to an extreme, is perceived by guys as someone who hates men, though this isn't the case. Part of intentional receptivity is having an open spirit—sort of a kind, encouraging sister—toward guys you're attracted to and guys you aren't.
Being a good steward of the romantic opportunities that come your way. I believe there are two irresponsible ways women often deal with suitors. One is they fail to give the guy a fair chance. [By the way, a "fair chance" does not mean a six-month trial period; it may mean sitting down for a cup of coffee once with the guy or having a decent conversation at church.] Because the guy doesn't fit the image of what the girl is looking for, she shuts it down before she even gets to know the guy. The second irresponsible action is to allow "buddy friendships" to linger. In this situation, the girl may give a guy she likes the benefits of dating while not requiring the commitment from him. Or vice-versa, she hangs on to an ego-boosting friendship with a guy she knows isn't right for her. In my article I addressed how I dealt with these situations: "If a friendship veered into the 'more than friends' zone, I would decide whether I needed to withdraw or confront."
Making it easy for men to pursue you.This is the fun part. This is when a guy you like begins pursuing you and you are responsive. Kevin, my fiancé, tells me I was a joy to pursue. He took risks, of course, but I poured on loads of encouragement so that he felt confident stepping forward. I did things like come to the children's wing (where he served) to say hi to him on Sunday mornings or making time in my busy schedule to get together for coffee when he asked me. I think this part comes naturally to most women when they're interested in a guy, because they want to spend as much time with him as possible. Still, a woman shouldn't play too hard-to-get. Honesty and sincerity are better -- and more godly -- options.
Before I adopted this approach, I was more likely to rule men out quickly and approach romantic opportunities flippantly. Intentional receptivity laid a groundwork of discipline and godliness in the way I interacted with the opposite sex. This approach also provided a seamless transition into engagement and marriage because I wasn't left with the remnants of irresponsible relationship decisions.
Over the past couples of decades, the issue of couples living together outside of marriage was kind of an "out there" problem for Christians. When I was growing up, many of the singles, parents and pastors in my life wondered why all those non-believers were "living in sin." But as the trend of cohabitation keeps growing, it's becoming more of an "in here" issue for Christians.
On his Website "Before You Live Together," author and pastor Dave Gudgel reports that one out of every two or three couples going to him for premarital counseling these days is already living together. He says that while the percentage of couples cohabiting is higher when the pair doesn't have religious beliefs, the gap is narrowing. He cites George Barna numbers indicating that "the percentage of couples living together encompasses 25 percent of those who claim to be born-again Christians."
While the inertia is growing for cohabitation, so is the research reporting on the impact on marriage and children. Glenn Stanton, director of family formation studies at Focus on the Family and author of lots of books, just this week released a PDF providing a round-up of research on cohabitation. We've posted that PDF on our Website here.
I appreciated these insights and suspected this could be helpful for someone out there in BoundlessLand.
If you've navigated the Christian single's scene long enough, you've probably overheard some of its sacred lore. Statements like, "God will give you a spouse when you're ready" or "When it's the right person, you'll just know." One of my personal favorites is, "When you quit looking and you're least expecting it, that's when 'the one' will come along."
In my life, the "quit looking" argument did not ring true. That's what I talk about in today's featured article, "I Kept Looking." I constantly (though unassumingly) evaluated the men I met and interacted with:
To me, some of these friendships were vague "possibilities," but if nothing ever came of them, I viewed them as good training ground for the way I would one day relate to my husband. In each relationship I endeavored to exercise encouragement, grace and respect.
And when new men entered my sphere, I evaluated whether or not there might be potential there. In this sense, I was "looking" when I met Kevin. In fact, I was on an initial coffee date with another guy when I walked into the Starbucks where Kevin worked. My relationship with Kevin didn't begin until many months later, but being in "looking" mode led me right into the path of my future husband.
I think there is something to be said for a life steadied on Christ and satisfied in Him. Let's face it: that kind of contentment is attractive. It is a good characteristic for married and single people alike. However, there's nothing wrong with keeping your eyes open if you desire a godly spouse. What have been your experiences with looking? [Note: In the article you can also read about three other things I did "wrong" to find a spouse.]
I posted recently about the Christianity Today cover story, "The Case for Early Marriage."
That article was written by Dr. Mark Regnerus, a professor at the University of Texas. Some of Mark's insights on the age of first marriage have been influenced by his colleague, Dr. Norval Glenn. I posted a blog earlier about Dr. Glenn's findings on later marriage in a research study he wrote called "With this Ring..." At the time of that study, he reported being surprised to discover some downsides to later marriage, but that he believed the issue would benefit from more study. I'm glad to see that he took on that study and has now compiled it in a paper he recently presented called "Later First Marriage and Marital Success."
The paper begins by explaining why such research is important:
In recent years about half of all first marriages of females, and well over half of all first marriages of males, have been at age 25 or older, the estimated median age at first marriage in 2005 being 27.1 for men and 25.3 for women (U. S. Census Bureau, 2006) — a condition that makes normative and typical what used to be considered late marriage. It also makes assessing the outcomes of later marriage, and understanding the reasons for those outcomes, important for practical reasons, as persons decide whether or not to participate in the trend to later marriage, and as third parties, such as parents and counselors, decide on the wisdom of encouraging later marriage. Understanding the reasons for the marital outcomes for persons who marry relatively late is also important for a general understanding of the bases for marital success.
The paper concludes with findings that are key for twentysomethings who wonder if they are ready for marriage:
The findings of this study do indicate that for most persons, little or nothing in the way of marital success is likely to be gained by deliberately delaying marriage beyond the mid twenties. For instance, a 25 year old person who meets an excellent marriage prospect would be ill-advised to pass up that opportunity only because he/she feels not yet at the ideal age for marriage. Furthermore, delaying marriage beyond the mid twenties will lead to the loss during a portion of young adulthood of any emotional and health benefits that a good marriage would bring (Waite and Gallagher, 2000). On the other hand, it is extremely important to stress that the findings of this study should not lead anyone of any age to panic and thus make a bad choice of a spouse.
I had to laugh when I came across this video the other day:
It brings up all kinds of difficult questions. Am I content dating someone with a flat personality, who doesn't reciprocate my affection? What will it take to dump that person? And to go back to them? And what do I think of the Jonas Brothers?
Oh, and where did my sister-in-law come up with the creativity to put that together?
My fiancé, Kevin, bristled when I told him about "the most banal and abysmal of non-dates -- going to coffee."
"Hey," he said, "I don't think that's true."
(Well, I suppose he wouldn't, being an assistant manager for the world's largest coffee empire and all.)
But then he made a good point. "I think having coffee with someone is a good way to get to know them better before you take the next step. It's more about the intentions of the person than the actual date."
In response to my post, "Coffee Dates and Relationship Purgatory," many people questioned why I was villainizing coffee dates. And true, I may have been too hasty shooting down what could be a lovely, comfortable first date. I know many a DTR has gone down in a coffee shop. And obviously frequenting Starbucks paid off for me.
When Kevin and I first began co-leading a small group together, meeting for a cup of coffee was a great way to plan the details. Kevin would always say, "Oh, hey, let me get your coffee. I get a discount!" That may have made our relationship a little ambiguous at the start -- I wasn't sure if he was just a nice guy or if he kind of liked me -- but it didn't matter at that point. We were getting to know one another.
Once it became apparent that we enjoyed spending time together (after about a month), Kevin made his move. He invited me to a game night with some of his friends. When that fell through due to the friends being sick, he called me and said, "I'd still like to get together with you tonight. Would you like to have dinner, or see a movie or go out for dessert?" When the "hanging out" activity fell through, he took a risk by making date-like suggestions. Then he dressed up ... and paid.
I believe the reason I reacted to the "coffee date" described in Dr. Simpson's article, is because it represents all that is wrong with the system. Specifically, non-committal and lifeless, gutless interactions between Christian singles.
Coffee and coffee shops are not the villain here. In fact, as some of you pointed out, a coffee shop can be a very non-threatening place to get to know someone. Just don't linger there to play it safe.
Do I only participate in group dates, or do we get to know each other one-on-one?
How do I get to know a girl/guy in a non-threatening way without getting trapped in the "buddy zone"?
What is the minimum number of conversations I need to engage in with a girl before I can safely ask her out?
How many different girls can I ask out without being labeled a "player"?
Why is it that what one person perceives as "intentionally pursuing" a relationship, another individual defines as "stalking"?
For that matter, how soon is too soon when it comes to expressing intentionality? One week? One month? One year?
And while we're at it, how soon is too soon in a relationship to kiss? One week? One month? Not until we're at the altar?
Wow, no wonder single Christians sit around paralyzed, hoping that God will take pity on them by delivering their perfect match to their front door, to the adjacent seat in church, or -- this is the 21st century, after all -- their e-mail in-box, Facebook Wall, etc.
To all of you who've heard more relationship advice than you can possibly digest, much of it right here on Boundless, I have one final piece of counsel:
Don't worry about it.
Seriously, stop it. Now.
Truth is, you simply can't follow all of it all at once. You'll drive yourself crazy.
Now, is it good to get to know a girl before you ask her out? Absolutely. But if you heard somewhere that there is a seven-conversation minimum, you heard wrong. Sometimes that's simply not feasible, and how, exactly, are you supposed to arrange seven "chance" meetings in which a casual discussion ensues -- a conversation in which you minimize the fact that you are a marriage-minded individual looking for a serious relationship (wouldn't want to scare anyone away, mind you), yet one in which you are nonetheless able to discern at least eight (out of 29) key dimensions of compatibility?
You see the problem here? We're making it far too complicated.
Let me see if I can simplify things a bit:
Begin with prayer. Ask God to help you.
Spend time in the right places. Church is usually good. That seedy nightclub right next to the twice-raided meth lab? Usually bad.
Ask people you know to introduce you to people they know. Single people, OK?
Finally, if you actually manage to meet someone you find appealing, interesting and spiritually compatible -- at least as far as you can tell without instituting an FBI-style background check -- then take a chance and see if they would like to get to know you better. Maybe even ask them out on an actual date, not one disguised as a taste-testing tour of local cappuccino establishments.
After that, just be yourself. They're going to discover the "real you" eventually, so don't try to be someone else. If you find yourself developing strong feelings, you don't have to propose marriage on the second date; but neither do you need to "play it cool" for the next six months just to prove that you're not too needy. You'll only confuse things. If you want to get married someday, don't be ashamed to admit it. If you have no intention of getting married for the next decade, then why in the world are you dating in the first place?
Bottom line, there's a lot of good advice out there, and a lot of it is available on Boundless. But once you try to follow it all simultaneously, once you treat it as a set of inflexible rules and restrictions, that's when you'll surely fall prey to relationship paralysis: overwhelming anxiety that you'll make even the slightest misstep in the pursuit of a romantic relationship.
Relationship paralysis is nothing but fear, and fear is one of the greatest barriers to contentment.
So if you're a guy, ask God to help you get past your fears of rejection and disappointment. Get friends to introduce you to potential dates, or simply introduce yourself. If He wants you to meet someone special -- and for most of us, that is indeed the case -- He will help you. If a girl turns you down, try to adopt a positive attitude. If she wasn't the one for you, isn't it better that you found out right away?
And if you're a girl, do your best to be receptive. Believe it or not, most guys aren't naturally confident when it comes to approaching a woman they find appealing. In fact, the very idea that they find you appealing actually makes the process even more nerve-wracking. So try to at least give the guy a chance, even if he's not Hollywood handsome and the first words out of his mouth don't sound like they were written by a screenwriter.
That's it, no more advice. Haven't you heard enough already?
Back in the day, my improv troupe helped to produce this video for Boundless. Many of my friends commented that they had found themselves in similar situations to the one depicted. I love that in his article "Dating vs. Hanging Out," Dr. Stephen W. Simpson calls the notorious Christian "coffee date" on the carpet.
Here's how it works: You like someone but you're afraid to let him or her know. So instead of asking the person on a date, you go on approximations of dates that allow for plausible deniability of all romantic intentions. You study together. You exercise together. You find lame excuses to call, text, and e-mail. Worst of all, you engage in the most banal and abysmal of non-dates — going to coffee. It has the trappings of a date — a cozy ambiance, comforting beverages, atmospheric music — while allowing everyone involved to disavow the actual occurrence of a date. Fear of rejection alone has resulted in the proliferation of Starbucks like a French-roasted virus.
People suffer through this in the hope that the object of their affection will eventually buckle and reveal his or her true feelings. They wait and watch. They keep making up excuses to hang out, hedging all their bets and waiting for God to give them a sign. If you've been down this road before, you know that it's seldom successful. You remain stuck in the "friend zone," which is relationship purgatory if you have a crush on someone.
Dr. Simpson says figuring out whether you should stop hanging out and start dating is the easy part: "If you find the person attractive, you can't stop thinking about him or her, and you're unsatisfied with the intimacy that friendship provides, then it's time to ask out instead of hang out." What keeps would-be companions from doing this, Dr. Simpson says, is fear that the other person doesn't share their feelings. Essentially, playing it safe.
To combat the problem of "fearful hemming and hawing," the author gives two simple suggestions: Get a life and be authentic. You'll want to read the insights in the article under these two headings. Dr. Simpson is spot on. It's refreshing to see someone encouraging singles to be more willing to take risks ... and ditch the French-roasted virus that is the Christian coffee date.
Monday Ted published my answer to a question from a Boundless reader who won't be able to read it until August 27 because she's "living in a village right now" without access to email. That's the bounce back message I got when I emailed to let her know about today's Q&A "Missions or Marriage?" She wanted some help thinking through her actions toward a man who may be interested in marrying her, but may not be interested in living and working in a place where email is a luxury.
Today's Q&A is an extreme example. But even if you're not working in a hut in the jungle somewhere, you likely have wondered how your future husband's calling and career will affect your own. It's something Christian single women (should) think about before getting married. I know I did.
If you've ever wondered if you'll have to choose between the work you love and the man you love, today's column is for you. (And if you've faced the choice, we'd love to hear how you resolved it.)
Feel pretty confident about turning the other way in times of temptation? You're probably weaker than you think. According to LiveScience:
If you think you're generally good at resisting temptation, you're probably wrong, scientists now say.
"People are not good at anticipating the power of their urges, and those who are the most confident about their self-control are the most likely to give into temptation," said Loran Nordgren, senior lecturer of management and organizations at the Kellogg School of Management, Northwestern University, in Illinois.
Nordgren reached this conclusion through a series of small experiments conducted with college students.
In one experiment, more than twice as many smokers who thought they could resist temptation lit up a cigarette in a no-smoking test as those who realized they didn't have so much control.
Recently a friend said this about maintaining a pure relationship with her boyfriend: "I always thought I'd be stronger." As I mentioned in my article "Leaving the Edge," the best strategy is to keep yourself away from compromising situations and recognize your potential to go there. Nordgren agrees.
The bottom line, Nordgren says: Avoid situations where such weaknesses thrive, and remember you're not that invincible.
Temptations are common. And the ways in which we will react when we hang around them are predictable. That's why Scripture warns us to flee temptation. And, it seems, the research confirms it.
So I was listening to "On Top of Old Smokey" recently (don't ask), and found myself wrestling with the lyrics. The last two lines of the first verse are curiously Boundless-esque:
I lost my true lover
For courting too slow.
The last lines of the second verse may be reinforcing our counsel not to "defraud" those of the opposite sex:
And a false-hearted lover
Is worse than a thief.
Um, then things get weird in this song, a little, shall we say, cynical:
And the grave will decay you
And turn you to dust;
Not one girl in a hundred
A poor boy can trust.
It all seems to fall apart near then end. What can this possibly mean?
Never place your affection
On a green willow tree.
Hm. I'm thinking it's probably a good idea to reject this one as the Boundless theme song. Yeah?
The new Christianity Today magazine is out and the cover story has already generated a lot of buzz. Dr. Mark Regnerus from the University of Texas wrote a piece for CT called "The Case for Early Marriage."
This isn't a new topic for Boundless readers. Just recently, in fact, Dr. Regnerus joined us on The Boundless Show to address this topic.
What's impressive is that Christianity Today would elevate this topic for discussion with such a well-argued piece. I started highlighting interesting points to excerpt in this blog post and then realized I had highlighted almost the entire article. For that reason, I'll just encourage you to go read the whole piece -- including the related article "Restless, Reformed, and Single" that includes quotes from our very own Lisa Anderson.
And then let us know what you think of Dr. Regnerus's bold message.
I used to make a big deal differentiating "dating" and "courting." I've lightened up.
To me, a "date" is simply a pre-arranged social engagement with someone to whom you may be attracted. To me, "dating" is a relationship in which two people regularly participate in this kind of engagement.
That's it.
A husband and wife can go out on a date. Both the worldly and the godly can do "dates" and "dating." You know, I'd even go so far as to say that group dates, which have a larger sense of camaraderie than one-and-one dates, could legitimately be considered "dates."
Yeah, maybe I define things more broadly than most.
Here's the thing. You can do "dates" and "dating" in ways that honor God, and in ways that dishonor Him. Simply put, as I've stated before (and updated slightly), I think dating that honors God is characterized by the following:
Intentionality (moving toward clarity about whether or not to marry)
Purity
Community (accountability to parents and/or mentors, and a degree of transparency about the relationship within the couple's community of believers)
Christian compatibility (serving God better together than apart)
If your dating (or courting, if you prefer that term) includes these characteristics, I think you're doing just fine. If your courting (or dating) is directionless, sexually impure, rejects input from parents or mentors or godly friends, or is not concerned about God's involvement in the relationship, then, to be frank, I think you could do better.
In today's featured article, "Crush Catalyst" Carolyn McCulley puts a fresh spin on the "set-up." Having enjoyed great success in the past several years helping young men meet and get to know the objects of their affections, McCulley says it's time to push the concept to a larger audience:
These days, I don't have many clients left. Nearly all are married, and the remaining few are in serious relationships. So now I must franchise.
I've made it my personal mission to go around encouraging married people to introduce their single friends to each other. (Singles can do this, too -- obviously -- but I've noticed a far greater success rate when the married man has a timely suggestion for the single man!) My motto is: "It's only an introduction, people!"
I'm being serious here. If the church would help singles meet and marry, we wouldn't have big business rushing in to profit off of our desire to meet one another.
Some of you have read the story of how I met my fiancé, Kevin. It's true that we met on our own. However, in the time between when we met and when we began dating, Kevin had a "crush catalyst" of his own. His older sister attended our church, and I would chat with her on occasion. At one point she told Kevin, "You need to marry a girl like THAT." Her encouragement made an impression, because Kevin highly respected her opinion.
McCulley writes:
God can use you to network on behalf of your single friends. The difference often lies in how much prayer you put into the situation and how discerning you are. Do not force two otherwise-incompatible people to meet simply because they are single, of the opposite gender, and they show up in church occasionally. Do consider mutual interests, energies, temperaments, and shared outlooks. You aren't in charge of creating the spark, but you can at least foster a good friendship -- and that means the two being introduced shouldn't have to wonder why you thought they could be friends!
Kevin's sister's encouragement was specific. She saw that I was involved in the same kind of ministry as her brother and noticed the ways in which I might complement him. In the end, her involvement made a big impact. The idea of a matchmaker may be outdated, but singles can always use help on the road to matrimony.
In yesterday's Boundless Answers, John Thomas responded to a young man who says he's doing everything right to pursue women in a godly way, but never seems to get second dates. Thomas asked him to consider whether he was putting in enough effort in the pre-dating phase:
Just imagine all that goes into actually hitting a ball that is whizzing toward you at over 90 miles per hour, on a curved trajectory, being thrown by someone who specializes in getting you to miss the ball (and who might just decide to throw it at you)! Eyes, muscles, brain synapses and hours upon hours of training all coming down to an instant of perfect timing.
In the same way, we don't just pick out a godly girl, ask her on a date, tell her we're interested in possibly marrying her because marriage glorifies God, and expect her heart to melt. Now, I'm sure you haven't been quite that cavalier about it, but you get my point.
I've been on the receiving end of this approach. A woman can tell when she's just on a job interview for the role of wife. Of course, single women want men to pursue them. But a woman also wants to know that a man is pursuing her because of her unique qualities -- not just because he's in need of a wife. Thomas continues in this vein:
She's godly? Great. She's humble? Wonderful. I'm glad those are at the top of your list for qualities in a potential wife. They should be. But you're seeking a wife, not buying a fuel-efficient car. You need to let your heart in on the action too.
Remember: You're pursuing a person, not an institution. Yes, being married glorifies God, but it does so because two people love each other in such a way that it points others to the love that Jesus and His Church have for one another.
Thomas' statement about pursuing the person, not the institution, is wise. Andy Stanley in his sermon series iMarriage talks about how focusing on the institution can extend into marriage. He points out that you'll often hear someone in a struggling marriage say: "I'm doing this because I care about the marriage." That sentiment is misplaced. A better perspective is, "I'm doing this because I care about Mary."
It's not about the marriage; it's about the person. And those are the kinds of relationships that point others to Christ.
In today's featured article, Alex Chediak covers a lot of ground regarding the balance between leadership and submission in men and women. Toward the end of the article, Chediak makes an interesting point about wives:
In a marriage relationship, a strong wife is an asset to her husband. She can give him insightful feedback, expand his horizons to matters he may not have considered, and lovingly rebuke him when he is sinning. What a godly wife aims for at such moments is an attitude that, while affirming his leadership, seeks to sharpen it.
She is not seeking to take advantage of his weaknesses by usurping his leadership. Rather, she wishes to encourage, advise, correct, and rebuke to the end that his leadership might be enhanced, his effectiveness increased, his capacities enlarged. "She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life" (Prov. 31:12).
I found this interesting, because I have sometimes seen a woman's strength criticized. Perhaps this is because people associate strength in a woman with inappropriate forcefulness:
The domineering woman, on the other hand, is the usurper. Her desire is to rule over her husband or the men around her. Such a woman may get what she wants, only to be grieved by the emasculation of the men in her midst.
A domineering woman will often treat her husband as though she thinks he is a wimp, although she may never admit that publicly or even to herself.
What is the balance between strength and submission? It seems the answer lies in attitude and motives. There is a difference between over-comer and usurper. Read the article; it offers a lot of practical advice for men and women. Here's why it matters:
Young women, do you see him displaying gentle, bold, self-sacrificial, God-centered, others-conscious leadership in his own life and in his sphere of influence? The kind of leadership that will give you a solid framework in which you can not only joyfully submit but flourish in the gifts God has given you?
Young men, is her behavior, attitude, and demeanor indicative of the responsive, affirming, intelligent, life-giving companioning that you seek?
May God bless your single years with fruitful growth in grace, preparing you for the recognition and pursuit of a life-long mate.
You may have heard Dr. Conway Edwards and his wife, Jada, on the Boundless podcast a few months back talking about the ups and downs of dating relationships. Now you can hear them on the daily broadcast share their story with Dr. Bill Maier and Dr. Juliannna Slattery.
I think the most helpful segment of the interview is when Dr. Slattery asks, "How do you date the right way? What does it look like?" Interestingly, Dr. Edwards answers by examining how men and women should relate to one another outside a romantic relationship.
Be sure and listen today to find out where the conversation goes from there. And tune in tomorrow for part two.
Running Together by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 07/15/2009 at 10:50 AM
I spent that evening the way I did most Sunday nights — doing laundry, changing the sheets, mopping the kitchen floor.
The evening I met my now-fiancé was truly mundane. But how God brought us together was far from ordinary. In "A Year to Love," I recount the last year of my life and how God introduced me to my soon-to-be husband, Kevin.
Though 30 was not the age I anticipated meeting the man I would marry (I expected that day to come much sooner), I have no regrets about my past decade as a single woman. Just as I have watched God faithfully lead me in many areas of my life during those years, this year I have seen Him do the same in my romantic life.
I used to wonder why I couldn't seem to meet someone great (when many of my friends could and did), and my mind couldn't even comprehend how God would bring a godly man into my life. More than once I tried to force it; I tried to settle for a relationship that just wasn't quite there, or I became attached to a person who didn't demonstrate the spiritual quality I knew God desired for my future spouse.
But my relationship with Kevin, though a fantastic story, had a very natural quality. I simply couldn't get away from him:
In his sermon series on Song of Solomon, Tommy Nelson talks about courtship and marriage in terms of a race. Nelson says that as Christian singles "run the race" God has set before them, they should be looking to see who is to their right and left as they run. Who is keeping pace, running nearby, heading the same direction?
I had been running that race alone throughout my 20s. Sometimes I would look over and catch a glimpse of someone, but inevitably they would veer off another direction or pass me by. Even a few godly relationships just did not click. In those moments, I would cry out to the Lord and try to understand His love and His purpose for me.
From the day I met Kevin, he kept popping up next to me — church, children's ministry, improv.
I would never want to use my own story to oversimplify the journey from singleness to marriage. However, if I could, I would give back some of the worries I experienced before meeting Kevin. Ultimately, I did not have to do much (other than be myself) to attract the right guy's attention. I'm not saying our relationship has been without challenges or that we don't have to put forth effort to make it work (we do). I am saying that my relationship with Kevin didn't require forcing. Our lives naturally fit together, our community approved of our relationship and we both have absolute peace.
I used to say that God had so faithfully led me in other areas of my life that I expected Him to do the same if and when a godly guy entered the scene. That has been the case. Whether I'm single or married does not change God's character. Regardless of my circumstances, He is worthy and He is good.
The only insight I have come up with is that God knows and He loves. There is no formula to how He brought Kevin and me together. I do know that we were each faithfully serving the Lord where He had placed us. We were running the race. And God chose to intervene in some significant ways so that we would run it together.
Run faithfully today. You never know who may be running nearby.
I understand the concerns expressed in Suzanne's recent post, and appreciate that some may have come to regret how Joshua Harris' book I Kissed Dating Goodbye has affected their dating philosophy.
Here's the thing, though: I think that too many people have simply read the title of Joshua's book, or heard others give caricatures of the principles explored in it, and have gone on to either reject its biblical messages altogether or embrace an anti-social perversion of it.
The author of the article that Suzanne references in her blog, for example, seems to have misunderstood what Joshua was saying, and implemented that faulty set of principles, and now has rejected it. He came to believe, for example, that the choice was between "actually speaking to a girl" and "refusing to date based on my loyalty to spiritualized groupthink." Both are bad options, and he went with the latter for a few years.
Good for him for changing his mind; bad on him for his cynical tone and mischaracterization of what Joshua had written, and for not owning up to his own relational mistakes. Instead of blaming his "insecurity" and "struggle with confidence" and "awkwardness" with dating on "some stupid, self-righteous decision I made in high school," for example, blame it on something that has a biblical remedy: fear of man.
Joshua Harris recognizes that there are many misunderstandings about his first book, and has responded to some of them on his Web site.
I still stand by the message of that book that premature, short-term romantic attachments can be a big distraction from serving God -- especially for teenagers. But in the years since I've also seen that a legalistic application of these ideas can be unhelpful, too.
One of the misapplications has been cutting off guy-girl relationships altogether, something he's not encouraging in the least:
The heart behind [this book] is not to force someone not to date or not have relationships with the opposite sex. The message behind it is really "don't pursue romance until you're really ready for commitment."
That's exactly what we say at Boundless: Dating is great when it's intentional, when you're in it to try to figure out whether someone could become your spouse.
Harris goes on:
I encourage anyone: If anything in your life becomes more important than God, and keeps you from serving Him, you should be willing to kiss it goodbye.
Joshua had just come out of a sinful relationship. He knew that the way he had been "doing dating" was wrong, principally because he hadn't put God first. May we adopt this same attitude, that if we're dating in a way that diminishes God, may we be counter-cultural enough to kiss it goodbye.
And may we stop blaming Joshua for our relational failures, own up to our misunderstandings and mistakes, and press on.
Josh's book came out when I was in high school and was very influential in my decision not to date during those years. The principles of holiness and godly relationships that Harris put forth were sound, and I believe its wisdom saved me heartache and kept me focused in my walk with the Lord.
Harris' suggestion that young people not date exclusively unless marriage was in the picture -- and then with proper accountability -- took my Bible college campus by storm. I noticed two opposite reactions to Harris' philosophy: 1. Men who pursued women with the intent for marriage (which ended in short, intentional courtships followed by marriages -- 42 my junior year!); 2. A lack of social interaction between men and women. After all, if you didn't have your eye on someone who you could see being your future spouse, social interaction of the dating variety was discouraged.
My general sense at the time was that men were confused by Harris' advice. They wondered how to bridge the gap between "just friends" and getting engaged. I even had a friend of mine (who was interested in pursuing me) ask this very question. "If we can't date, what's the next step?" In the ambiguity caused by not knowing what to do, some did nothing. In his article, Tim Holland writes:
Looking back on my decision not to date until I was “ready for marriage,” it is evident that this course has led me to become a bit of a cripple when it comes to approaching women. I have invested hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars in coffee shops around Seattle, thinking that I might strike up a conversation with a cute girl one day, perhaps land a date and discover that we have both chosen the same names for our children. Right ...
I just wish I had more to show for the past 10 years of my failed romantic life than a few quick flings, an extensive knowledge of the Star Trek universe and the deep brokenness that weighs heavily upon my heart. While putting the brakes on dating was good wisdom for some of my more sexed-up peers, I could really have used a good kick in the pants to throw me into gear.
What do you think? Is Holland's criticism fair? Is the philosophy to avoid the world's idea of dating a deterrent to men pursuing women? One guy I asked about this thought Holland's argument was a "cop-out." Anecdotally, many of the guys I know who at one time were unsure about Harris' advice, figured out how to proceed and are now happily married.
What do you think of Harris' I Kissed Dating Goodbye 12 years later? How has it impacted you?
I was talking with a coworker a couple weeks back, a single woman in her late 20s, when the conversation turned to this blog. She is an occasional Boundless reader, and like many others I've met, she has what you might call a love/hate relationship with The Line.
Some days she enjoys reading very much -- at other times it drives her crazy.
So I suggested that she consider contributing to the discussion; if not via the comments section, then perhaps by suggesting potential topics. A few days later, I received the following suggestion in my in-box:
[How about] a post for singles without using any of the attached phrases/sentiments? Ready? Go. I’m holding a giant buzzer, like in Outburst.
Don’t worry, God is in control
God has a plan for you
It will come in time
You need to put your faith in God
You need to be content with just God
Your priorities are obviously not in the right place
You’re obviously not satisfied with God
He’ll/She’ll come around when you stop looking
You need to put yourself out there more/get involved
You need to serve more
God thinks you’re a princess -- He’s just not ready to share you yet!
Lots of people wish they were single again . . . enjoy it while it lasts.
Most people are waiting till their 30s today
The right girl/guy is out there somewhere
Now, I'm the first to admit that I've addressed a few of these subjects myself. And while I'm not about to start defending clichés, I'll also acknowledge that there is a lot of truth in some of the sentiments behind them. In other words, while the meaning still has value, perhaps we've simply heard them repeated so often that the lessons are lost in translation.
But maybe that's just me. How about the rest of you -- particularly singles -- are you tired of hearing the same-old, same-old, or do these expressions still provide some measure of comfort and reassurance? Or, on a related note, is there a particular phrase that you would prefer to never hear again?
I remember when I was first introduced to the concept of living together. I had just watched the movie Baby Boom with my parents, and my mom asked me, "Do you know what was wrong with that movie?" I didn't. Mom explained to me that the man and the woman lived together without being married. To my young mind, that option was completely foreign. In fact, I had simply assumed the couple in the film was married.
Fast forward to the present day. Some 60 percent of young adults will live together before they marry. Not only is it acceptable; it is expected and even considered prudent. As Scott M. Stanley and Galena Kline point out in today's featured article, the belief that living together is helpful to marriage is a myth:
The majority of young adults do believe that living together helps people make decisions about marriage as well as provides a way for couples to work through issues before making a lifelong commitment. In fact, over half of younger people believe that living together prior to marriage will lower their odds of marital problems and divorce. Research, however, suggests something quite different.
The main reason for this cited by the authors is the theory of inertia:
It suggests that external pressure to remain together starts to build when a couple moves in together. You move in together, buy a place, get a dog, spend less time with friends and more time alone together, and maybe declare the other as your beneficiary for financial matters — and these things make it more likely that you will stay together. In other words, there is an increasing weight of forces that favor your staying together when you live together. In the words of Scott's commitment theory, living together increases the constraints of leaving the relationship.
Basically, living together is a form of marriage, but a cheaper, flimsier one. The authors point out that living together often "just happens" rather than being the willful decision of marriage. I supposed within Christian circles, living together before marriage was clearly considered a sin, but the discussion on our Facebook page shows that even believers may not view cohabiting as out of bounds.
Apart from the evidence that suggests living together is bad for marriage, I appeal to Paul's words in Ephesians: "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people" (5:3). Regardless of whether you live under the same roof, sex outside of the covenant of marriage is not God's plan for sexuality. It's no wonder that couples who have cohabited report less satisfaction in marriage and a higher rate of infidelity and divorce. Straying from God's plan always has consequences. If someone tries to tell you otherwise, they are promoting a lie.
The disturbing part of the article Steve blogged about is the reason most of the women "doing konkatsu" it gave: they want to quit their jobs.
Yuriko Akamatsu, a 35-year-old office worker, has attended two matchmaking parties in the past six months. "I want to get married because I sometimes feel like quitting my job," said Ms. Akamatsu, who didn't find Mr. Right at either party. "Marriage is like permanent employment."
That approach is all wrong.
Some government officials like the idea because they're worried about falling birthrates. Again, in itself, it's not a great reason for encouraging marriage.
What about the churches? Some are making money on the trend by charging for prayer services. Yes, charging!
The irony (which will surprise few of you savvy Boundless readers) is the overabundance of women in such deliberate settings, and the dearth of marriage-minded men. (But really, given the conditions, can you blame them?)
Apart from Ephesians 5, and a bold commitment to live it out, our human efforts at getting, and staying, married are doomed to end in divorce, or at best, survive in misery.
To the single men and women of Japan, I say, "Start reading Boundless--you'll get a lot more help getting married than you will hanging out at the Green Bar!"
I was intrigued by an article featured on the front page of the Wall Street Journal this morning. Here's how it started:
Desperate to turn around his money-losing singles bar last summer, Yuta Honda decided that marriage would be his only salvation.
Abandoning a marketing plan based on the ephemeral attractions of one-night commitments, Mr. Honda rechristened his place a "konkatsu bar," a place for "marriage hunting."
These days, his Green Bar is packed with marriage-seeking singles in their twenties and thirties -- a rare success story in the Roppongi entertainment district, where businesses are closing right and left in the economic downturn.
Singles bars have always been notorious for opening their doors to people looking for all types of relationship connections, but Mr. Honda found success in narrowing his target audience to those who were specifically seeking marriage.
My sense is that Mr. Honda provided a valuable service to his patrons by allowing them to self select among those who wanted to skip relationship games and cut to the chase of their primary desire--marriage.
What's your impression on this approach? Does it seem too blunt to immediately hold up the possibility of marriage in a gathering of singles or does this filtering approach actually sound appealing to you?
In the past 10 years I have been a bridesmaid four times. I've worn the dresses and uncomfortable shoes. I've attended the rehearsal dinners, played silly games at the bridal showers and given the speeches. Most recently, I stood up as a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding -- my sister who is nine years younger.
As much as I am glad for my friends who have found their loves, I've sometimes felt like second fiddle. Other times I've felt just plain alone and miserable. But recently as I was meditating on the story in Song of Songs, I noticed this wonderful cast of characters called "the friends." In today's featured Boundless article, I write:
Throughout the book, the role of the friends becomes clear: rejoice, challenge, help and protect. The implication is that without these friends, the betrothed woman would be lost and vulnerable to impropriety or unwise decisions.
It's unfortunate that our culture often reduces bridesmaids to token friends who swoop in wedding week to wear impractical dresses and shoes. The friends in Song of Songs are not of this variety. They are deeply invested in the health and happiness of the betrothed couple.
Being the friend of the bride is an important role that can be mutually edifying (Romans 14:19). Watching my sister's romance and subsequent marriage was a profound experience for me. For the first time, I caught a vision for what God can do in a relationship He ordains. I caught a glimpse of this type of encouragement in Song of Songs:
No matter how stellar of a friend you are, finding yourself continually in the pack of "friends" and never the "beloved," can be disheartening. I imagine that is why the beloved encouraged her friends with this statement:
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. (2:7)
This message was so close to her heart that she repeated it three times. Her relationship with her beloved is so affirming, miraculous and right, that she wishes the same for her friends. I believe she is telling her friends to wait on God's timing for a beautiful, heaven-honoring romance. She is urging them to hold out for the love God has for them and not settle for chasing after it in their own way.
So all of you serving as bridesmaids or groomsmen this summer, be encouraged. Put the effort forth to support and rejoice with your friends and recognize that someday it may be you. Eight months after going dateless to my sister's wedding I became engaged. And I'm thankful I did not awaken love in my timing.
Today Candice answered a question that I believe meets singles right where they're at. That question, in essence, is: How and where can I meet a potential mate?
Candice points out the importance of a network—friends and family members who can make the introductions. According to research by The Marriage Project, Candice writes, most people meet their spouses through introductions by a family member or close friend.
In the end, it's not so much "where you go" to find a mate, but who you know and what they know about you.
I like Candice's advice. I also believe this goes beyond simply meeting people who will introduce you to potential mates. My investment in my Christian community affected my relationship with my now-fiancé, Kevin, in a slightly different way.
We met on our own—a chance meeting at Starbucks. But because we attended the same church, he heard good reports from those in the church who knew me and saw how I was serving. Months before we began dating, seeds were planted in Kevin's mind about my character by people who knew me. A few of them even encouraged him specifically to consider a relationship with me. Though he didn't have romance on his mind at the time, when he decided to start a Bible study for twenty-somethings, I was a likely choice for co-leader. And that connection led to our relationship.
As Candice points out, a healthy investment in mentor relationships can hold multiple benefits.
Ask them to pray with and for you about your desire for marriage. They might surprise you by the introductions they can arrange. And even if they don't know any eligible bachelors right now, their discipleship will benefit your spiritual maturity. Further, they may be able to give candid advice about other improvement you can work on to make yourself more marriable.
Another fantastic blessing of cultivating this level of community is that when you do find yourself in a relationship, you have instant support, accountability and encouragement as you walk through courtship, engagement and into marriage. Our community was thrilled when Kevin and I got engaged, because they knew us both and approved wholeheartedly of the match. Candice's win-win advice produces positive benefits that extend beyond introductions.
I have a big announcement. But you'll have to listen to this week's Boundless Show to find out what it is.
I will tell you that you will hear me discuss my relationship with Kevin and our age difference (I am older). At first, it was a deal breaker for both of us. But once we came around (in God's timing and through His obvious orchestration), we discovered some of the unique—and sometimes delightful—aspects of a May-December relationship.
On the podcast, Ted and his wife Ashleigh also discuss their age difference. In their case, Ted is the elder of the two. How does the more-than-a-decade difference play out in their marriage? On many counts, they say, it doesn't matter.
I walked away from our discussion with this: In the search for a godly mate, keep an open mind. Don't focus on incidentals, such as age, social status or career success. Instead, concentrate on the person. Is he or she godly? Are the two of you compatible? Do you see evidence that God is confirming the relationship?
Enjoy the discussion (and the announcement)! Then share your thoughts here.
Relationships can really mess you up. Take professional golfer Sergio Garcia for example. In a USA Today article featuring Garcia and his return to the U.S. Open at Bethpage Black after nearly winning there in 2002, he talks about how his break-up with Greg Norman's daughter, Morgan-Leigh, has affected his game this year.
Garcia, who has slipped to No. 4, said in May that he has been reeling since his relationship ended with Greg Norman's daughter, Morgan-Leigh.
"A couple of personal things happened, and that didn't help," Garcia said about the state of his game. "Then, obviously, you lose a little bit of confidence, and it's harder to recover from that. When your head is not where it should be, it doesn't matter how much you practice, because you are not thinking about what you are doing.
Even when relationships are done biblically, there's almost always an emotional investment that requires healing if it ends. When they're not done biblically, they can feel like mini-divorces requiring a sports psychologist. (Not that Garcia needed one though.)
It'll be interesting to see how Garcia does this weekend. Especially given the focus required for a sport like golf where the slightest distraction can give you the yips .
In places where young women outnumber young men, research shows the hemlines rise but the marriage rates don't because the young men feel less pressure to settle down as more women compete for their affections.
But when those men reach their 30s, the reverse is true and proportionately more older men are married in areas where women outnumber men.
This finding comes from a University of Michigan researcher named Daniel Kruger,who studies evolution and how it relates to contemporary behavior. Taking an evolutionary perspective, Kruger would have expected men who are outnumbered to take a rational "survival of the species" type-approach and to compete for a partner in order to pass along their genes, but that's not what he found.
"Marriage patterns aren't rational because men and women have somewhat different reproductive strategies," Kruger said. "Men have a greater reproductive benefit than women from having a greater quantity of relationships. If they can leverage their scarcity into attracting multiple short-term partners, they will not have as much of an incentive to settle down."
Those of us who don't proscribe to an evolutionary view of life recognize that men and women have a lot more on their minds than "reproductive strategies." We know humans are driven by motivations that are more complex than simple animal instincts. What other motivations do you think might be at play than the evolutionary theory Kruger offers?
For additional food for thought on this topic, check out the article series Plenty of Men to Go Around that Candice wrote. That article provides the reminder that there just aren't many metro areas where single women outnumber single men. Despite conventional wisdom, single men outnumber single women in the great majority of communities throughout the United States.
As a (mostly) dateless single for nearly a decade, making choices in my personal life that would benefit a future relationship wasn't always on my mind. For example, I should be a way better cook by now. But the busyness of single life and a lack of desire to cook fine cuisine for one has left me woefully handicapped in the kitchen. It's OK, it's not too late to learn, I hear.
However, I did focus on some things that would benefit a future relationship. In "Single While Active," I wrote: "I can wait on the Lord and trust His perfect plan for my life, while taking steps to prepare myself to be a good wife and mother." Those steps included cultivating a proper attitude toward men, praying for a husband, living a full life, finding a marriage mentor and trusting God.
I can honestly say that those five focuses really benefited me as I began this season of dating. Living a full life allowed me to interact with Kevin through children's ministry, improv comedy and a young adult Bible study. Disciplining myself to have a loving and gracious attitude toward men made me stand out as an encourager. Praying, trusting and inviting wise counsel, encouraged me in my singleness and kept me from giving up on God and what He was doing in my life.
To those of you non-dating singles, I say this: What you do now will affect your future relationships. One area in which this became apparent both through my experiences and those of friends is the area of purity. When I was not in a relationship, I sometimes let the purity of my entertainment choices, thoughts and attitudes slide. It didn't seem as important when I didn't have the temptation of a live person in my everyday life. In "Leaving the Edge," I wrote:
Putting our sexuality under Christ's lordship is a lifelong discipline, whether single or married. I know that I have struggled with purity issues just as much outside of relationships as in them; the impurity just manifests itself in different ways. As my friend says: "Being in a relationship just brings to the surface sin and impurity that was already lurking beneath the surface."
Loose sexual boundaries in a dating or even engagement relationship will carry over into to marriage. Adultery, pornography, abuse and all types of sexual dysfunction plague Christian marriages and families. And these are simply behaviors that overflow from a heart where sexuality has not been brought under Christ's control. A heart where gratification trumps God's way. Sex is about giving sacrificially to another person within a covenant relationship, not taking whatever you can get away with.
I understand now how the disciplines I have developed (and not developed) affect my current relationship. Cultivating holiness is a lifelong pursuit for the believer, regardless of marital state. Seeds of righteousness planted in your single years will bear fruit in your future relationships and marriage. Likewise, weeds of sin left untended will certainly harm them. Singles (and not-singles) should heed the words of Galatians 6:7: "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows."
It is prudent for believers to sow good seeds at every stage. Reaping a good harvest is sweet.
Some of you who read "Thoughts of a Newly Not-Single" about how I met my boyfriend Kevin, may have noticed a puzzling time lapse: Met perfect-for-me, evangelism-bracelet-recognizing-guy in June; became not-single in March.
It was perfect and it was not perfect.
Two weeks after our initial meeting, I discovered that Kevin was significantly younger than me. We both decided at that moment (though of course unspoken) that the age difference was a deal breaker.
And so, life returned to normal and all thoughts of anything between us were forgotten. Kind of. The thing was, Kevin just kept popping up in my life. A month after we met, he was hired as a children's ministry coordinator at my church, so I saw him each Sunday. Then I organized a fundraising comedy improv show in the fall, and the woman in charge of finding actors recruited Kevin to act in the show.
Our interactions through those months, though completely platonic, revealed to each of us the character and vision of the other. Because I served fifth graders at our church, Kevin would hear about what I was doing from members of the children's ministry staff. I would watch his leadership in the children's area as well as among our peers.
In his sermon series on Song of Solomon, Tommy Nelson talks about Paul's analogy of a race for the Christian life. Nelson points out that as Christian singles "run the race" God has set before them, they should be looking to see who is to their right and left as they run. Who is keeping pace, running nearby, heading the same direction? "Ask that person to run a few laps," he says (speaking to the men). "That's dating or courtship."
That was Kevin's and my experience. As we were running (metaphorically), we would keep glancing over and seeing the other person. The final straw was when he asked me to co-lead a young adult Bible study at the beginning of this year. I accepted, still in a platonic state of mind, but the connection and cooperation we experienced as we began to do ministry together was too great to ignore. Eventually, we prayed through the age difference issue and felt peace about proceeding in spite of it.
Some dating and married friends of mine have described similar barriers that had to be overcome in their relationships. My sister had to accept her now-husband's speech impediment. Another friend had to come to terms with her boyfriend's diabetes. A third worked through being more highly educated than her intended. The violation of one's expectations can come in many forms.
Just as my junior high mind projected who I would recognize as "the one," my grown-up self entertains expectations of how I'll feel when my "soul mate" arrives on the scene. The truth is, God knows best the kind of man who will inspire me to greater devotion to Him. As I seek the Lord, I can trust Him to reveal that person to me in whatever way He sees fit.
The benefit of a not-perfect element to the relationship is that when God overcomes the barrier, you feel even more confidence in what He is doing. It also forces you away from your "checklist" for "the one" and opens the door for God to give you something you wouldn't have known to pick for yourself. In my experience, that something is better than you would have expected.
Soul-Mate-Ism by Motte Brown on 06/04/2009 at 3:13 PM
Do you believe you will find that one unique person on the planet who "completes" you? If so, you may be a soul-mate-ist, someone who believes in soul-mate-ism, which Dr. Scott Stanley defines in today's Boundless article as:
The belief that you will find in a mate the one unique person on the planet who understands your deepest desires and fears, accepts all of who you are unconditionally and who becomes joined to you, making one complete whole in mind, body and soul. The power of this type of relationship is so great that you will know fully and rapidly when you find "the one." Further, if you have not married "the one," you should move on.
If this describes you, be warned that there may be consequences as you pursue marriage. As Dr. Stanley says, any unrealistic expectation that conveys some sort of heavenly connection will make earthbound relationships more difficult.
Did you read Monday's Boundless article Premarital Doubts? It's about an engagement gone wrong. Guy meets girl online, begins dating, gets to know family, gets engaged ... sees red flags.
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If you'd like to do everything you can to avoid an engagement gone wrong, it may be worth your while to spend 30 minutes and $30 dollars to take our checkup. Just go to www.family.org/couplecheckup.
Many of you know me as the single girl who writes articles for singles (and not-singles). Well, in March, God began a new chapter in my life: I began the transition to becoming a not-single.
The change was so sudden and unexpected that I have struggled to shift gears. Because of that, I have been hesitant to talk (in a public way) about the godly guy in my life. But God has been working as steadily in my not-single state as He did in my single state, teaching me new things about myself and my relationship with Him. And He's been prompting me to begin talking about it. So here's my first insight as a not-single.
Not-Single Insight No. 1: There's Nothing Wrong With You
Well, technically there is something wrong with you. After all, we are all sinners (Rom. 3:23). But many times during my singleness, I struggled with wondering if there was something about me that was defective. In "Seven Myths Single Women Believe," I wrote:
For a long time I believed that if I were thinner, I would attract a husband. Magazines with images of women with flawless skin and model-thin bodies fuel that inner voice that says, You're not thin enough. You're not pretty enough. Or worse, I wonder if it's my personality. I talk too much. Or I laugh at the wrong times. Or I'm too assertive. It's easy to look at married women and wonder: Why them and not me?
Single women. There is nothing wrong with seeking to improve your faith, character and outward appearance. That's not what I'm saying. But what the Lord has shown me through my relationship with Kevin is that the right kind of relationship affirms the person God has created you to be. The first time I met Kevin, I was wearing a wordless book bracelet. (Read the story of the wordless book).
It was the night before I began serving at VBS at my church and I had made the bracelets for all the kids in my class. It happened to be an outward sign of a core passion of mine: child evangelism. I was meeting a friend at Starbucks and the barista asked me: "Where did you get that bracelet?!"
I was surprised to have the bracelet recognized. I told the barista, who introduced himself as Kevin, that I was teaching VBS and he said: "I'm going to be a children's pastor!" Our initial conversation and "click" arose from something that was integral to who I am. The words from my "7 Myths" article reveal a diminished understanding of God's purpose for relationships. Changing who you are to attract someone veers away from God's design for bringing people together. I'm not saying it's not a great temptation to try to be something "better" to attract a special someone's attention. However, our calling is to be the people God created us to be. After all, a childish bracelet and accompanying childlike enthusiasm may deter one fellow, but it may be irresistible to another.
God is teaching me that the best kind of relationship is one where each person's God-given traits and gifts are affirmed in the presence and personality of the other.
I was so busy getting ready for my Dad's visit last week that I kept putting off my Q&A deadline. Alas, the final extension came and went, and even though Ted is exceedingly patient with me in such situations, he was headed off to the Next conference, so this time, it really was too late to get a new column done in time.
I asked him to run a classic. And he did. But because I was so busy enjoying my Dad, and watching him teach our kids how to play Whist, and going to the zoo, and dodging uncharacteristic rain storms, I didn't realize till this morning which column he chose. And the reason I realized it was that you all are writing to say, "I'm shocked to see that the 'Guys just know' statement was published AGAIN."
Ugh.
So again, I'll apologize for ever writing that. ;)
Apparently guys don't just know. ...
And so, to Michael, and all the other men who wrote [and wrote again] to challenge my assertion about men, thank you. I'm sorry for diminishing the nature of the risk you have to take when you act biblically in relating to women. Though this doesn't change my advice about what women should do, it's worth noting that in the dance of courtship, men are indeed taking a huge risk when, even in the face of possible rejection and with no hint of success, they ask women out.
To the men who overcome their anxiety and fear of possible failure to do so, it is no small act of courage. Thank you.
Okay, my title is a bit misleading. But “In Defense of
Klutzes Who Spout Pick-Up Lines Without Realizing It” wouldn’t fit.
Lisa’s “What’s Your Line”(and its many responses) made me both laugh and cringe,
remembering a long-ago incident that still brings an involuntary wince every
time I think of it.
All through high school I worked at a Publix Supermarket,
bagging groceries. One day a girl roughly my age was going through the
checkout, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Sure, she was pretty, but that’s
not why I was staring. I was certain I knew her from somewhere, but I just
couldn’t place it.
I kept staring as I bagged the groceries, and she was
becoming increasingly uncomfortable. When she finally got to the end of the
checkout, my curiosity got the best of me.
Even as my mind shouted a slow-motion Noooooooo! my mouth said, “Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?”
Her eyes could have bored holes through plate steel as she
snatched her groceries, turned on her heel and stormed away. The middle-aged
woman running the cash register laughed uproariously. Me, I felt at that point
that I could have walked under a cockroach without bumping my head.
So, yes, ladies, be aware of the slick pick-up artists, and
follow the good advice you’ve been given. But also be aware that sometimes the
guy has no bad intentions; he’s just put his mouth in gear before fully
engaging his brain.
Oh, and to this day I still don’t know where I knew this
girl from.
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