Marriage a Barrier to Wholeness? by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 09/29/2006 at 10:56 AM

Boundless reader Jessica raised a question about my article, "Marry Her? But What About that Girl over There?" She writes:

"I thought we were supposed to pursue a deeper relationship with the Lord, then let Him guide our steps regarding marriage and family. I thought loving God with all of my being came before pursuing marriage and family. Am I wrong in believing that I am supposed to pursue wholeness in God before I pursue becoming one with someone else?"

The point of this article was not to advocate that singles use marriage as a replacement for relationship with Christ. But it is helpful to remember that holiness and marriage are not mutually exclusive. All believers are called to pursue a deeper relationship with the Lord, regardless of their marital status. Both singleness and marriage can be wonderful spiritual refiners.

My brother married right out of college, and his relationship with his wife and young son have produced wonderful spiritual fruits in his life. I have remained single, and as I pursue Christ, He continues to teach me new things. I do not consider my brother's situation either better or worse than my own, spiritually speaking. True, he was probably not as spiritually mature as I may be when I marry, but that seems to matter little because his marriage provides a context for him to consistently go deeper with Christ.

While Scripture does talk about being "complete in Christ," as fallen, sinful people, we will never be entirely whole this side of eternity. Scripture does not promote a magic level of spirituality one must attain before getting married. And yet some singles have set up this human standard of spiritual achievement we believe is necessary for marriage.

Think of Adam and Eve. They experienced sinless life together and were then thrust into a world with evil, pain and hardship. In effect, they "lost" their wholeness. And yet God continued to bless their relationship even in its brokenness. On the road back to wholeness, sometimes it's best to have a companion.

Marriage a Barrier to Wholeness? by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 09/29/2006 at 10:56 AM

Boundless reader Jessica raised a question about my article, "Marry Her? But What About that Girl over There?" She writes:

"I thought we were supposed to pursue a deeper relationship with the Lord, then let Him guide our steps regarding marriage and family. I thought loving God with all of my being came before pursuing marriage and family. Am I wrong in believing that I am supposed to pursue wholeness in God before I pursue becoming one with someone else?"

The point of this article was not to advocate that singles use marriage as a replacement for relationship with Christ. But it is helpful to remember that holiness and marriage are not mutually exclusive. All believers are called to pursue a deeper relationship with the Lord, regardless of their marital status. Both singleness and marriage can be wonderful spiritual refiners.

My brother married right out of college, and his relationship with his wife and young son have produced wonderful spiritual fruits in his life. I have remained single, and as I pursue Christ, He continues to teach me new things. I do not consider my brother's situation either better or worse than my own, spiritually speaking. True, he was probably not as spiritually mature as I may be when I marry, but that seems to matter little because his marriage provides a context for him to consistently go deeper with Christ.

While Scripture does talk about being "complete in Christ," as fallen, sinful people, we will never be entirely whole this side of eternity. Scripture does not promote a magic level of spirituality one must attain before getting married. And yet some singles have set up this human standard of spiritual achievement we believe is necessary for marriage.

Think of Adam and Eve. They experienced sinless life together and were then thrust into a world with evil, pain and hardship. In effect, they "lost" their wholeness. And yet God continued to bless their relationship even in its brokenness. On the road back to wholeness, sometimes it's best to have a companion.

Comments

[1. Mike said the following at 3:03 PM on Mar 12:]

1

I am single and I just don't "get" the whole "wholeness" versus "oneness" debate myself. There was a period of God-given healing for Adam from his rib having been taken from him before God presented him with Eve (Gen 2:21). I tend to agree, though, that "wholeness" is one of those eternal things that we'll never achieve this side of heaven. I confronted a good friend of mine and romantic interest with the her idea of not "settling" along those lines. She challenged me that I was somehow supposed to be this "whole" almost "super" Christian before approaching marriage. Yet, brokenness is part of the walk no matter where we're at, single or married. This is where God wants us to be plyable as clay in the Potter's hands. What this speaks to, in my opinion, is whether both individuals are on the others' heart as to whether there is a willingness, on her part to help her partner, on his part to serve the unity of the bond between them. This is just my opinion.

[2. Jess said the following at 6:00 PM on Mar 12:]

2

Mike,

In response to your comment, I would like to say two things. I don't believe that singles should pursue marriage and family if their worth, identity, or value as a human being if it is not found in Christ. Yes, we are all pliable in the Potter's hands, but when we put marriage and family as institutions that are more vital than pursuing a intimate walk with Jesus.

I can't speak for the young woman you confronted, but I know for certain that I don't want a man that I would hesitate in submitting his character to be refined and shaped by God. I hope she wasn't asking for perfection. You may have misunderstood what she was attempting to communicate. But I do know that a godly woman should not allow herself to submit herself in marriage to someone who is not pursuing a intimate relationship with Jesus Christ and submitting his life to His Rulership.

No one's expecting the man to be perfect. But too many times people totally depend on each other for the relationship to thrive when their eyes should be toward God.

[1. Mike said the following at 3:03 PM on Mar 12:]

1

I am single and I just don't "get" the whole "wholeness" versus "oneness" debate myself. There was a period of God-given healing for Adam from his rib having been taken from him before God presented him with Eve (Gen 2:21). I tend to agree, though, that "wholeness" is one of those eternal things that we'll never achieve this side of heaven. I confronted a good friend of mine and romantic interest with the her idea of not "settling" along those lines. She challenged me that I was somehow supposed to be this "whole" almost "super" Christian before approaching marriage. Yet, brokenness is part of the walk no matter where we're at, single or married. This is where God wants us to be plyable as clay in the Potter's hands. What this speaks to, in my opinion, is whether both individuals are on the others' heart as to whether there is a willingness, on her part to help her partner, on his part to serve the unity of the bond between them. This is just my opinion.

[2. Jess said the following at 6:00 PM on Mar 12:]

2

Mike,

In response to your comment, I would like to say two things. I don't believe that singles should pursue marriage and family if their worth, identity, or value as a human being if it is not found in Christ. Yes, we are all pliable in the Potter's hands, but when we put marriage and family as institutions that are more vital than pursuing a intimate walk with Jesus.

I can't speak for the young woman you confronted, but I know for certain that I don't want a man that I would hesitate in submitting his character to be refined and shaped by God. I hope she wasn't asking for perfection. You may have misunderstood what she was attempting to communicate. But I do know that a godly woman should not allow herself to submit herself in marriage to someone who is not pursuing a intimate relationship with Jesus Christ and submitting his life to His Rulership.

No one's expecting the man to be perfect. But too many times people totally depend on each other for the relationship to thrive when their eyes should be toward God.