When I first met my friend Daniel (not his real name) four years ago, he was not yet divorced, though he had been separated from his wife for a year and a half. Because Daniel was my age and living a single lifestyle, I sometimes found it difficult to remember his marital situation. We never considered dating -- mainly because we didn't share a faith in Christ -- but I occasionally found myself in sketchy moral territory. For example, was it wrong for the two of us to have dinner alone since he was not technically single?
In today's featured article "Beware: Black Diamond," Christina Holder shares her own tale of being pursued by an unavailable man. Surprisingly, these kinds of pursuers (and on the female-side seducers) are more common than you might think -- even in Christian circles. I've known Christians who got involved in relationships where one or both of the individuals were married. These kinds of relationships severely stray from the course God has set for love.
Thankfully, the author was astute enough to see it quickly and her mind was protected by truth. She writes:
I knew that no matter how good-looking Paye was -- or how much I wanted to hear his words -- that I couldn't let my emotions make a decision for me. The only way to deal with my temptation was to loosen its grasp at the first chance I got -- even if that meant being as abrupt as the swift swing of a car door.
The night after our failed date, Paye's freshly deleted phone number flashed across my phone display. I knew my only way out was to continue on my own path of escape.
"No temptation has overtaken you but such is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it," it says in 1 Corinthians 10:13.
I silenced the phone.
If you are flirting with the idea of a forbidden relationship, take Holder's advice and act swiftly to flee the temptation. Giving in to sin not only causes you to stray from God's best, it eternally impacts the lives of others.
A few nights ago I was talking with a friend -- we'll call her Jenny -- who has been spending some time with a certain single guy. They have mutual friends. He's new to her small town and doesn't know many people. And they share some common interests. Now, under ordinary circumstances, you might think this friendship has the potential for more. The thing is, this guy -- we'll call him James -- though very nice, is not a believer.
Because they don't share their faith in common, Jenny has looked upon her relationship with James as just a good friendship. In fact, as far as I can tell, her emotions have not slipped into entertaining even an inkling of romantic inclination. However, as all good male-female friendships tend to go, Jenny and James recently reached a crossroads in their friendship.
Jenny called to tell me that James has recently been releasing little flirty comments into the text-o-sphere. For example, "My friends asked me where my 'girlfriend' was tonight." And that wasn't the first time he'd dropped the g-word (girlfriend). Jenny asked me how she should broach the subject with James of her personal conviction not to date unbelievers.
This made me think of the times I have handled -- sometimes badly -- this situation. One time, at a party, a friend of a friend asked me if I would like to go out on a date. Knowing that he wasn't a Christian, I unfortunately blasted him with my bluntness: "I'm flattered, but I only date Christians."
After an awkward, squirming moment, he uncomfortably said, "And I'm definitely not one." Then he made an excuse to exit stage right. I knew the moment the words left my mouth that I hadn't been a great testimony in my response. At the same time, I couldn't think of what else to say. I'd told the truth.
Several years later, I found myself in a similar situation. I had struck up a friendship with a guy who was not a Christian, and he began making it clear that he had dating on his mind. This time I sent an e-mail, explaining that I had picked up on his attentions toward me and that I took dating seriously and considered a shared faith the most important factor. He took it well, and our friendship continues to this day.
If you hold the conviction not to date unbelievers, how do you communicate this in a graceful way? (For a primer on why shared faith is a biblical principle for relationships, I recommend Carolyn McCulley's article "Same-Lord Relationships.")
Thankfully, the day after we spoke, Jenny had a great opportunity to talk about her faith and view on relationships with James before he even asked her on a date. "I think he understood where I'm coming from and won't ask me out," she said. Now she is excited about the opportunity to be a testimony to James of what it looks like to be a godly, intentional single. How have you handled romantic offers from those who don't share your faith? How can Christian singles express grace in the turndown?
Relationships -- at least successful ones -- are full of give and take, adaptability and compromise. Most of us have heard jokes about leaving the seat up or whether the toilet paper should roll "over" or "under," but sometimes those annoying little habits can turn into romantic dealbreakers when one or both parties refuses to change even a little bit.
I remember several years ago having a conversation with a single coworker about the available bachelors we both knew. She was in her mid- to late-20s at the time, and I mentioned a never-married guy who was probably pushing 40. While this young woman was eager to meet that special someone, she still seemed hesitant. Pressed further, she said it wasn't the age difference that concerned her, it was the fact that this man -- nice as he was -- had spent more than half his life as a single adult.
"Most men that age," she said, "are too set in their ways."
She wasn't opposed to dating somewhat older men, she said, but experience had taught her that many longtime bachelors have developed habits they are reluctant or even unwilling to alter. Simply put, when you've lived on your own for some 20 years, you're bound to settle into a routine or two or 27.
I've made sweeping generalizations before, so I'm not about to do so now. Besides, since I got married at 26, I'm not able to address this topic based on my own experience. So I'll ask you, dear Boundless readers -- do you agree with this sentiment? Do you think that singles, male or female, become more resistant to change as they get older?
Now, lest you think of this post as yet another depressing reminder from Boundless of how hard it is to find a spouse once you've passed age 40, I hereby give you hope: Remember that coworker who passed on dating the fortysomething guy? Well, that same man later met a single mom with two kids and is now very happily married.
Did he likely have to make a few compromises as he made the transition from bachelor to husband and father? No doubt he did, but isn't that what healthy relationships are all about?
DTSR (Defining The Sushi Relationship)
We should just establish it now. Our sushi relationship can't be exclusive. I just can't limit myself to one person. Believe me, it's not you...it's me. I mean, I like eating sushi with you, but I'm still young and I don't want to miss the possibility of other sushi relationships. We both need to move forward without feeling guilty. Please, just be careful as you're trying new rolls. I would hate for you to have an "Chili Roll" experience with someone else.
My heart (and stomach) will go on.
* * *
In case there is any doubt, this DTSR was a joke penned in jest by a witty pal. As a fun gesture, this particular friend (with whom I used to have sushi once or twice a quarter) presented our sushi bonus buy card to my husband as part of our wedding gift.
Last night I was chatting with a friend who is going through a painful break-up. As we talked about the loss he was feeling, he said, "I just don't want to be alone." None of us do.
I remember reading an article about loneliness a few years ago. The article talked about the decline of friendship in American society:
In Norman Rockwell's classic 1943 painting, "Freedom from Want," an extended family is gathered around the table to celebrate a holiday feast. Fast-forward 63 years to Thanksgiving [this year] and — while lack of food is still a problem for too many in this land of plenty — you are much more likely to find want of a different kind. More and more Americans are starving for significant relationships.
The article highlights a study published by the American Sociological Review that shows a "remarkable drop in the size of people's core network of confidants — those with whom they could talk about important matters." Twenty-five percent of Americans reported having no confidants at all — up from 10 percent in 1985. The article relates this trend to the decrease of marriage:
Perhaps the same thing that is sabotaging marriage is undermining friendship: our increasing unwillingness to commit to relationships that require sacrifice, mutual accountability, and a generous share of humility. That refusal is often not so much willful as fearful.
People may fear the commitment friendship entails, but they remain fascinated with it. The long-standing popularity of TV programs such as Cheers, Friends, and now Grey's Anatomy — which portray the lives of people in multilayered friendships — signals that fascination.
These types of friendships can be hard to come by in real life, but as followers of Jesus we have greater access to meaningful relationships through the body of believers. What would happen if we extended that family feeling to those who are suffocating from loneliness? Reaching the lost, the article points out, may be as simple as being a friend.
"God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing." —Psalm 68:6
Not too long ago, I read on the front cover of a Christian college newspaper about a couple who had made their own marriage commitment, spur of the moment, by themselves, on a beach. They told friends and relatives about it later, after they'd secured a marriage license. The couple's justification for their seeming indiscretion was that they were "married in the eyes of the Lord."
Something about this article really troubled me. I suppose you could make a case that the couple had physically made a covenant before God by consummating their relationship. But, to me (and I'm guessing to their family and friends), it appeared to be a lack of self-control. In his article, "Is Living Together Really a Big Deal?" author Ed Gungor makes a similar observation:
Most of us know people who are in love, plan to marry and currently live together. It’s sort of the new premarital counseling program. I visited a church out West that had a “pre-marriage” ceremony for a couple living together. No license. No wedding dress. Just a prayer of blessing to hold them over until the couple walked down the aisle—a kind of marital “appetizer,” I guess. I asked the pastor why they did it. He said, “The couple believes they are married in the eyes of the Lord, and we just wanted them to feel affirmation in our community.”
What did I think about it? I was bummed about it. I actually believe that marriage needs to be public and people need to vow into it in front of those who matter to them—it’s not just a private matter in front of the Lord. Truth is, those who declare they are married “in God’s eyes” seem to reframe their claim when they break up with their live-in partner. Then they claim they were never “really married.” This makes me very dubious about the “married in the eyes of the Lord” doctrine.
Gungor gives one of the best explanations I've ever heard of the emotional and psychological reasons sex should be saved for marriage. Beyond that, he reaffirms the value of a public demonstration of marriage:
If a Christian couple loves each other enough to jump in the hay, I think they should get married in the eyes of God and the rest of us. Marriage is not a private sacrament; it impacts the whole community of faith. It’s the right thing to do, and disciples do the right thing. They don’t just live on love—emotions, feelings and hormones—they live on principles, beliefs and disciplines that develop character. Pagans (and children) only live for themselves—they live for the “now” and feelings alone.
There were moments during our engagement when my now-husband and I had to remind ourselves of the importance of self-control and living above reproach in the courtship process. And it came down to what Gungor expresses here: "Disciples do the right thing." We may be tempted to find loopholes, but in the end it is gratifying and beneficial ... and just plain right ... to follow God's way.
When I wrote Get Married, one of the key criticisms I hoped to answer was the notion that you can want marriage too much. I explained the problem this way,
Today there's an added reason women hide their desire for marriage. They've been told and retold that nurturing such a desire will not only scare men off, but worst of all, it may lead them to idolatry. I see and hear this warning a lot among Christians.... That wanting marriage is good "as long as you don't make an idol out of it."
I hoped we were gaining traction with all our talk on Boundless about biblical marriage being the antidote to idolatry in our romantic relationships. But this Sunday, during an excellent Reformation Day sermon, the guest pastor started talking about the dangers of good things becoming the ultimate things. First in his list of possible idols: marriage. I cringed.
Why? Because not all marriages are alike. And some are less idol-prone than others. But that rarely, if ever, gets said.
Knowing the credentials of the guest preacher (as well as his happy marriage and family life) and having utmost respect for his doctrine, I was surprised and disappointed. I suspect if I could talk to him and get some clarification, he'd say that what he meant was when we desire marriage in a non-biblical way, it can become an idol. And I'd agree with that.
The trouble is that he didn't state that distinction, and it's key. Especially in our churches, where marriage is so little taught and so often crumbling. The last thing couples need is a new reason to pour less of themselves into their relationships. And for singles, it's just further reason to be timid about getting married.
I was encouraged and renewed in my conviction that we often desire godly marriage too little, this morning while reading Gary Thomas's Pure Pleasure. He writes,
We shame singles by making them think it is a sin and idolatrous to desire marriage: "You should be happy in God alone!" But God designed most of us to marry. Acknowledging this desire isn't arrogant rebellion; it's humble surrender to his creative design.
He doesn't deny that earthly pleasures, marriage among them, "can blind us from God and steal our hearts away from him, and that good things can become bad things," but he does remind us that it's not inevitable.
If such pleasures [he's speaking specifically about those in Deuteronomy 8:7-9] would inevitably lead us away from God, he wouldn't give them.... [God tells us] how to responsibly enjoy pleasure in a way that brings us to God instead of pulling us away from God.... We embrace pleasures responsibly by enjoying them according to God's design... [and] we protect pleasure by acknowledging God.
The reason it's impossible to make a marriage as God designed it an idol is that such a marriage places God at the center of the relationship. Marriage in God's image is all about sacrifice and service; placing the other's needs ahead of our own, and all to the glory of God. Not only is such a relationship immune to being idolatrous, it's the solution to the twin epidemics of divorce and marital delay.
I wonder how many people hear the unqualified "marriage can be an idol" warning and think that applies to all marriages -- even those striving to fit God's design.
The other day I sat around a lunch table with a group of twenty-somethings. We got to talking about dating, and one girl made a very interesting point. "I think guys don't pursue the way we women want them to because they're getting their needs met through many different women and waiting for the non-existent all-in-one superwife."
Someone asked her to explain what she meant.
"Well," she said, "a guy may have one girl who makes him laugh, another with whom he can have deep conversation and still another that offers him encouragement."
I'm not relaying this conversation to put blame on guys, because I think women do this, too. At least I did. As a single, I had a guy friend to run with, a couple of guys I had dinner with every few months and another male friend with whom I could enjoy theological discussions over coffee. Part of surviving and enjoying life as a single is having meaningful relationships with members of the opposite sex. And these friendships do meet needs to a certain level.
The important question is: Do these relationships hinder people, men in particular, from engaging in intentional, one-woman relationships? Does it stave off the craving for a sole companion to the point where guys lose the desire to pursue? Or, like the twenty-something woman at my lunch table speculated, does this kind of diversifying make men (or women) discontent with an individual who possesses less than ALL the qualities he (or she) is getting from many people?
I don't know the answer. If this is the case, though, what can be done to end this consumer-based kind of relationship-building? How can singles reserve enough of themselves to be drawn to intentional relationships that offer them something they're not currently getting from a variety of sources?
Married! by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 10/27/2009 at 6:00 AM
This past weekend, Kevin and I celebrated six weeks of being married. I never did write about my wedding here, because I was waiting for the photos -- which came glorious and gift-wrapped on Friday.
I suppose I appreciated my wedding more than some. After all, during the past decade, I have actively waited, avoided being buddies, navigated painful false starts, sought to shed my single identity baggage and come to recognize my position as a vessel of honor. This makes me no expert on singleness, just as meeting Kevin and marrying him makes me no expert on getting married. But it does make me feel deeply grateful for what God has done in bringing my husband and me together.
Kevin and I got married on a horse farm in Larkspur, Colorado. My mom grew up on a Colorado horse ranch, so the setting was perfect. September 12 dawned cold and dreary, preventing us from having the outdoor wedding we had planned. But there was no dampening our spirits. We simply arranged the chairs inside one of the barns.
When we were planning our wedding, Kevin and I had two goals. First, we wanted the gospel to be proclaimed. Second, we wanted every piece of the ceremony to celebrate the unique story God had written in our lives. Because Kevin and I met while I was wearing a Wordless Book bracelet, we gave them out as our favors and had our pastor explain the gospel story behind them as part of his message. We also invited six individuals/couples who are close to us to stand and bless us, using Scriptures they had specifically chosen to commission our marriage.
I think before I was married, and particularly when no guy was in the picture, I wondered if I would feel drastically different once my husband came on the scene and especially once I was married. But the transition was surprisingly fluid. My wedding day was much like the rest of my life. Yes, it was a huge celebration of what God had done and the gift He had given, but it was also clearly a new position from which I (and Kevin) could glorify Him. Our very marriage shouted loud and clear about the kind of God we serve -- One who is generous, loving and creative. One of Kevin's unsaved friends has since asked about going to church with us.
And that was the best part about my wedding day -- that others got to witness the great thing God had done. In "Vessel of Honor" I wrote about how the shuttle driver prayed for me. In that same prayer he asked God to give me a husband who shared my heart for children. Kevin was that man. Lisa recently rode in the shuttle with Tony and gave him the update. "Glory be to God!" he shouted. I couldn't agree more.
You Should Know by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 10/23/2009 at 10:13 AM
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article called "What Girls Wish You Knew." The motivation behind writing this piece was the Christian guys I knew who would make great husbands but were unknowingly doing or saying things that alienated the women around them.
The thing was, these guys tended to blame their lack of options on the wrong problems. The qualities I called for included:
Show some respect
Love your family
Take initiative
John Thomas wrote the complement piece (which received far more hits) called "What Guys Wish You Knew." Among the morsels John offered:
Drop the mask
Less criticism, more support
Remember the good guy
If you are a single guy, what do you wish the girls around you knew? If you are a single woman, what do you wish you could tell guys?
Meet Your Pastor by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 10/22/2009 at 10:35 AM
My last published article "Quarantining a Generation" discussed the difficulty single young adults in their 20s and 30s have fitting into churches. Today's featured article, "Plugging Into the Church" gives practical ideas for making your church family feel like, well, family.
For me, feeling at home in the church has been a journey. One suggestion I give in the article is to get to know your pastor, something that I was hesitant to do for some time. Once I did make a move, the result was encouraging.
Last year, I made an effort to talk to my pastor almost every week after church. We graduated from the same small Bible college, so that gave us some common ground. Each week I would tell him something I liked about the sermon or share a story about my kids' Sunday school class. Soon he knew my name and would approach me and ask how I was doing.
When I became engaged to Kevin earlier this year, my pastor told me he had been praying for a godly spouse for me. This meant a lot, since I go to a church with 1,200 members. Most pastors want to get to know the people in their churches. But they may need you to take the first step.
October is Clergy Appreciation Month. What better time to take the first step to get to know your pastor? Invite he and his wife out for coffee. Introduce yourself after church. Invite your pastor's family over for dinner or invite them to join you for a special event. How have you connected with your church leadership?
Four years ago, I wrote an article called "Quarantining a Generation" (republished as today's feature article). I was shocked to receive more than 50 e-mails in response. Most were from 20-something singles like me who resonated with the article's premise that it is difficult for young adults to find community in churches. But a handful of letters were from pastors and ministry leaders asking how they could make their churches more hospitable to my generation. I was excited to see such a passionate response.
In the article, I talk about the model of the early church, which was obviously successful since thousands were being added to their numbers daily. A main strength I see is intergenerational community:
The church was established to glorify God and to provide a place for believers to challenge, encourage and support one another. Those who previously had little in common became one unit through belief in Christ. Paul explained it like this: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female," single nor married, young nor old, "for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28). I added those last two, but I believe they are in the spirit of Paul's intent.
This unity inspired people to share everything they had, to invite widows and orphans into their homes and to demonstrate a love and cooperation that drew non-believers like a magnet. Spending their time together in each other's homes, church members operated much like a family.
During my years as a single young adult, I have felt the power of the church best when this family element is present. Young families who have invited me into their homes for dinner. A pastor and his wife who initiated meeting me for coffee. Older women who stepped in as godly mentors. These people made me feel worthwhile, like I belonged. As much as I enjoy my peers, the deeper acceptance was felt in intergenerational connections. In response to the trend toward young adult services, I write:
In order for these relationships to take place, all ages must exist in community together. With the growing number of alternative services, young adults are missing out on relationships that provide wise counsel, build spiritual maturity and help bridge the gap to the next stage of life.
I have discovered that my generation is quick to point out all that is wrong with the church. However, I believe many of our core spiritual needs can be met within that very community. That is why Christ established the church in the first place.
Since I wrote this article, I have pressed on in seeking out intergenerational church fellowship (it has required some hard decisions). My ministry with children and interactions with volunteers who were not my peers ultimately led me into the path of my husband, who shares my heart for intergenerational church. And while I waited for a spouse, those rich relationships diminished loneliness and gave me a place to belong.
For Babies Only by Candice Watters on 10/13/2009 at 12:40 PM
Have you noticed that clothing companies sometimes limit certain items to only men or women? Like those iced purple snow boots that have a parenthetical (women's only) beside them in the catalog? I think the message on this onesie deserves its own parenthetical limitation (maybe to peeps young enough for onesies?).
If you're single and hoping to marry, as well as wondering how to live biblically in the waiting time, today's Focus on the Family broadcast is for you. We recorded it months ago but finally, the show is on air and online!
Titled "Living with a Hope Deferred," this 3-part show includes Boundless contributor Carolyn McCulley, Dr. Dobson, John Fuller and yours truly.
My favorite part of today's installment is when Carolyn talks about what it's like to be 45 and still single. Still hoping to marry. It's a place she never expected to be. Yet she survived. And truth be told, she's thriving.
For a mix of encouragement, challenge and call to biblical femininity (as well as a major plug for Boundless!), it's a must-hear.
And if you do listen, please leave a comment to let us know what you thought.
Is there someone special you've been hesitating to ask out? Here are four date ideas that seem to garner great results. (That's just my opinion.)
The join-me-and-my-friends-date. This can be the perfect way to get to know a girl in a comfortable setting. Just before I began dating my husband, Kevin, he invited me to a game night with some of his friends. In the get-to-know-you phase of a relationship, inviting the girl to be part of your group of friends can be a great way to spend time together without the pressure.
The favorite activity date. Have you met someone who enjoys the same activity you do? Invite her to join you. One of my friends likes to mountain bike. When he learned Maria, a friendly girl he met at church, shared his interest, he asked her to join him on a ride. Doing something they both enjoyed provided the perfect atmosphere to get to know each other. They soon discovered other things they had in common, and two years later they're married with a baby.
The special event date. Special events give guys a great opportunity to spend time with that girl they've had their eye on. One guy I know first began dating his now-wife after he invited her to a special military dinner. Before the event he had known her as just a nice girl who had attended his high school, but that event began the romance that led to marriage.
The this-is-definitely-a-date date. The three previously mentioned dates are good starter dates. However, once your intentions could become unclear to the woman you're showing interest in, you should initiate a date or conversation that leaves her in no doubt of your affections. After the join-me-and-my-friends-date, Kevin invited me to go hiking (favorite activity date). But when he picked me up, he brought me flowers. Though the date itself could have been viewed as a friend thing, the flowers gave away the fact that it was not. Kevin's boldness impressed me. Yes, showing up at my door with flowers was a risk, but he knew my response would either propel the relationship forward or end it before it entered the buddy zone.
Is there someone you've been wanting to get to know better? Why not give one of these four dates a try this weekend. Any other suggestions out there?
He wants to know if I could write a complementary piece for guys. The myths I mentioned for women are:
God will give me a husband when I'm ready.
God views me more as a useful tool than a beloved child.
When it's the right guy, I'll just know.
When I get married, then my life will begin.
Marriage will/will not meet my deepest needs.
There must be something wrong with me. If I could just figure out what it is, I could fix it and guys would start showing interest.
The older I get, the less likely it is that I will find someone.
I'm not sure if I can pull off an article with the myths single men believe, but maybe you guys could comment on this post and fill me in. What incorrect perspectives on relationships, singleness and marriage do you think Christian single guys hold? Are they the same as the ones women believe or different?
We received an e-mail from a 30-year-old man over the weekend who's been on a few dates in his life, but they all seem to end with the dreaded "you're a nice guy, but...."
He wants to become married, and has recently become newly inspired to change some things in order to become more attractive to the opposite sex. He explained:
Then I thought, maybe I should try to get rid of this nice guy of mine, before I give up my dreams of marriage.
He went on:
So I read a book about Christian "nice guys" which was inspiring. I recognized some patterns from my own life, and it described an attractive goal. But I felt like it was lacking in directions on how to get there — basically, it just said "be bold and fearless," or something like that.
He concluded:
Do you have any hints about how to convert a somewhat shy and nerdy (but also caring and intelligent) man into someone that at least some women could be interested in? How do you get that confidence that everyone seems to find so attractive?
I had a few minutes this morning, so I sent him the following e-mail:
Hey, great question. I'll forward it to our blogging team to see if anyone is up to writing about it.
In the meantime, I'm struck by your using the term "shy" to describe your personality, and encouraged by your recognition that a solution may be to become more "fearless." Shyness, in most cases, is simply what the Bible calls "fear of man." It's a concern that others will think poorly of you.
Scripture encourages us not to weigh too heavily what others think, but to instead weigh heavily what God thinks. We are to "fear" the Lord, not those around us. I wrote a bit about this here: "Are You Shy?"
Regarding your thoughts about becoming "bold," I think that's awesome. Here are some things to strive toward: "For Guys Only: The Marks of Manhood."
Finally, we all must keep in mind that you won't be entirely mature, ever, but you should have a "trajectory" toward godly maturity. So don't be discouraged if you're still shy from time to time; be encouraged that you're working on overcoming that. We write a bit about that here: "Faith for the Man He'll Become."
I do hope this is helpful, my friend. Hm. Maybe I'll just write that blog post and ask our readers to add their 2¢.
Ted.
So that's what I'm doing -- writing a blog that asks you to add your 2¢.
Today's Boundless Answers by Candice reminded me of an e-mail I received a few weeks ago. A guy friend of mine in another town told me one of his friends was starting a Bible study to encourage the women in their singles' group to put appropriate effort into their outward appearance. "Basically," he said, "my friend believes these girls aren't doing anything to dress attractively or take care of themselves -- essentially "look cute" for the guys they're hoping to attract."
The reader featured in today's column admits to a lifelong struggle with her weight and asks Candice if she can still hope to attract a husband. Candice's answer is insightful:
What's most important in our efforts to be beautiful is a godly perspective. The Bible says our hearts house our Lord; that our bodies are temples where the Holy Spirit dwells. It only makes sense that we do the best with what we've been given to keep them healthy and fit. It's a matter of stewardship.
I believe the healthy ideal is to eat foods in as close to their natural state as possible, to eat when you're hungry, to stop eating before you're full, and to incorporate movement into your lifestyle. The more liveable your fitness routine, the more likely you'll do it.
Like you, I've been up and down on the scale. And whether heavy or light, I feel best when I'm focusing on the people in my life, my relationship with God and the work He's called me to. If I never thought about food, weight, or body image again, that would be wonderful! It seems the women who do their best in these areas, then get on with life, are the most relaxed and delightful to be with. It's not just looks that attract men, but attitudes!
Certainly, if there are things a woman can do to look more feminine and take appropriate pride in her body, she should do them. Her attitude and demeanor may change just out of the sense of well-being and confidence she receives from exercising, putting on a little make-up or wearing attractive clothes that suit her body type.
But like Candice points out, ultimately beauty comes from within and all types of women attract husbands:
Getting married isn't about "looking good enough," it's about being fully who God made you to be. I pray that you will find your identity in your maker and be fully at rest in Him, trusting that His design for your body is good. May He strengthen you for the work of being a good steward, enable you to enjoy the fruits of those efforts and be at peace with the results.
I used to fall into the "is my appearance keeping me single" trap. [See "I Let Myself Go."] Once I started really trying to look my best and take care of myself, the confidence that came with that seemed to grab the attention of the guys around me. As Candice says, life is about "being fully who God created you to be." That is where true beauty can flourish.
You'll have to indulge me as I talk about the event. Kevin and I got married on September 12, 2009. It was incredible. Totally worth waiting for. Totally a worship moment. (I will write more about this in a future post.)
As some of you know, I'm 31. Solidly past the average marrying age. I wanted to be married sooner, but the timing of my life and marriage were God's. And I'm extremely glad I waited ... and trusted. Yes, God brought a seemingly perfect match into my life (although some marriage advice we received from a kind Australian couple on our honeymoon was, "No couple is exactly a perfect fit. Some days I'm completely hopeless. Some days she's completely hopeless. Let the other be imperfect.") But the bigger blessing is the feeling that I did not miss out on what God had for me in the moment.
I already see how God is using my experiences as a single woman to contribute to my marriage and ministry with my husband. In God's economy, nothing goes to waste -- not painful seasons, not "back up" plans, not difficult obedience, not frustrating setbacks, not blind trust. And, yes, marriage is good. Right now I'm overflowing with love for my husband and a wonderful sense of anticipation for our new adventure together (as I should be!). However, as our premarital counselor made us solemnly state to one another: "You are going to be a lot of work!"
And that's the thing about life with God. He's faithful to lead us in every season. And He rewards our faithfulness to Him. Not only in good gifts but in those transcendent moments where our actions play into His bigger story and bring Him glory. Kevin and I have felt that through our courtship and marriage. And that's a big reason why I wouldn't change anything. The honeymoon may be over, but the new adventure has just begun. Live today with anticipation of great things!
I've been editor of Boundless for over four years now, immersed in issues relevant to young adults.
Since editing and publishing my first Boundless article in 2005, I've wrestled with those who label us "marriage mandaters," as though we command all single adults to get married now. And I've wrestled with those who think we're too lax in encouraging intentionality toward relationships, who criticize us for affirming those who are unmarried.
Say that marriage is "normative," and many singles feel wounded at the perception that something might be "wrong" with them. Say that singleness is a blessed state, preferred by Paul for believers (1 Corinthians 7), and one may seem to diminish the value of marriage (while possibly giving some singles unwarranted encouragement to stay in neutral).
What we need is balance. The truth is that some get married, and some don't. The Lord wills that many eventually marry, and that a number remain unmarried. Both can honor Him in their choices, in the differing ways they serve, pursuing His will in His timing.
Yes, the desire to marry can be too strong. It can also be too weak. And some are blessed to pursue a life of service free from the responsibilities of marriage. Alex explores these issues and more in his latest Boundless article. I'd be interested in hearing how what he writes resonates with you; what did you find helpful, and what could he have done a better job with?
So I was reading an e-newsletter I just received from my second-favorite ministry, and came across a link to an article by Sam Rainer identifying 10 things you're probably looking for in young adult ministry:
They desire integrity among leaders
They look for transparency in leaders
They want leaders to be mentors
They crave opportunities from leaders
They need leaders to shoot straight
They are attracted to team leadership
They want to be corrected by leaders
They seek examples in leadership
They need to hear a message of forgiveness from leaders
OK, right off the bat I have to confess that I feel uncomfortable with the title of the piece: "10 Things to Know about Leading Young Adults." It kind of has the patronizing sense that adults, though "young," need to be led around like cattle. I know that's not Sam's intention; maybe I'm just super-sensitive and/or insecure about my own leadership abilities. Here's my thought, though: If Christian leadership is "servant leadership," then it might have been better to include the word "serving" in the title, as I have in my title. Hm. Or maybe "Equipping" or something else. Blame the editor in me for my getting all uptight over this one word.
Besides the clumsy title, though, I think this list is helpful. You're looking for people who are vulnerable, who speak as mentors rather than experts, who practice what they preach, who respect you and listen to you. Is that fairly accurate? What else would you add to this list?
It's weird. I was just thinking about this last night. I am on the precipice between singleness and marriage, and I'm stepping over the edge on Saturday. God has given me an incredible journey. He introduced me to my future husband, Kevin, and made the dominoes of our relationship fall faster, and with more precision, than I could have ever imagined.
Last night I was telling Kevin that I felt like I got a much better story than I deserved. Though I have trusted God with my singleness and prayed for a suitable mate, I have never expected God to give me something extra special for my efforts. And yet, in His generosity, He did. But it simply wasn't because of anything I did; it was out of His goodness -- and for His reasons and in His timing. I am glad I waited on Him.
Yesterday a Boundless reader encouraged me with the following message:
Usually when I'm going through something I don't want to go through, I start praying for whoever will go through the same thing I'm going through because I know God is preparing me to minster to them. God has given you validity in your testimony to minister to people that struggle hearing the same words of encouragement from women like me. Don't let anything silence your testimony. You'll save lives with the hope in your story!
Something I don't want to go through. Many times that has been my singleness. I have questioned God's plan more times than I'd like to admit. But I did my best to walk with Him and stay on the path. "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps" (Proverbs 16:9). Stay on the path, friends, and don't give up. Not because you are promised a fairytale ending but because at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up (Gal. 6:9). And ultimately it's not about you; it's about God's glory. Being swept up in the beauty of that is more satisfying than anything else in this life.
Don't expect me to use my story as some kind of formula for other singles. That is not my heart. God deals with His children uniquely. My hope is that God uses my story to encourage you in His sovereignty, love and desire to pour out His goodness on you. True, I am embarking on a new season, but I know it will require the same faithfulness and obedience I have sought to exercise up until this point. And I will do my best to continue to encourage you to "take hold of the life that is truly life" (1 Tim. 6:19). Talk to you after the honeymoon!
Today I came across this powerful video of Josh Harris talking about not wasting your sexuality. In it, Josh observes:
Trying to be godly and holy when it comes to sex can feel like such a burden, like does God have a bad sense of humor? He gives me all these desires and then He says "Don't do anything with it."
He does call you to restrain yourself and preserve yourself for marriage, and yet you are supposed to do something with it. And what you're supposed to do with it is to allow that desire to drive you. To say, "I'm going to get my life in gear; I need to get a job, I need to start working hard to be a man of maturity and spiritual insight and discernment so that I can lead a family, a wife."
I'm reminded of an article published earlier this year called "When Pigs Fly." In it, author Mike Ensley considers how an improper view of the male sex drive has done damage in the Christian community. Like Ensley, Harris suggests focusing on what God does intend for sex rather than its opposite (which is plentiful in our culture). He says:
God uses this gift to fulfill His purposes and direct us and guide us. When we engage our sexuality for Him it becomes a beautiful thing. It has purpose. And it's not just about trying to seek some greater and greater thrill.
I had a frank conversation with a friend recently who told me that he thinks Christians place too much emphasis on what we can't do instead of focusing on what we should do. What do you think?
Women, you've read the Guy's Guide. You've passed it on to your friends and relatives and potential mates. And for that, we thank you. But we didn't forget you. Now it's your turn. A Girl's Guide to Marrying Well is here!
Full of many of the things you asked for (100 suggestions and counting) and some you didn't, The Girl's Guide is 63 digital pages of advice, biblical wisdom, quirky illustrations, encouraging anecdotes and more, all cloaked in a Tiffany blue cover and available now, for free.
If you've ever wondered what you can be doing to prepare for marriage, even before you've met "the one," if you've wanted to help a friend be more intentional about her hopes for marriage, if you've worried that maybe marriage has passed you by, this is a must-read.
Here's a peek at the introduction,
Most women hope to marry, but for many, it's not happening like they thought it would. It seems too far away, or too unlikely, given the men they know and those they're meeting....
It's not enough to just coast along, counting on today's dating culture, and our culture's definition of marriage, to deliver a God-honoring and timely marriage to a good man. If you hope to marry well, you need to do more — and less — than what the culture says.
You need to read this guide! (And guys, if you're still reading this blog post and you haven't read The Guy's Guide, get to it!) Women, just go to our Girl's Guide Web page, enter your e-mail address and follow the instructions for downloading your very own copy. It's easy.
The guide is divided into sections that mirror the Guy's Guide: Intentionality, Purity, Community and Christian Compatibility, but from a feminine perspective. If you're a woman who hopes to marry well (or you know one who does), it may be just what you're looking for. We hope so.
(This print version of the Guide is begin debuted August 3-7 at the AMFM conference in Phoenix. If you would like to place a bulk order, please email us at editor@boundless.org.)
I am single. I'm not ashamed to say it. Most of the time I'm OK with it. By "OK" I mean I don't break down in tears after attending my fifth wedding in one summer. I don't mourn with a tub of mint chocolate chip and "Sleepless in Seattle" every time I have a quiet Saturday night ... or four. And I barely cringe when my married friends get a twinkle in their eye and utter those dreaded words: "Soooo (they drag this word out endlessly), is there a guy in your life?"
It seems Rachel Starr Thomson finds herself at a similar point in life. In today's featured article, she writes:
Before I attended that first wedding back in May, I was as thoroughly happy being single as I've ever been, but now I must admit that my ship of singleness feels a little less even-keel than it used to. I am not strictly envious, nor strictly lonely, but I am definitely wistful. Also wry (a Jane Austen-like sense of humor is a marvelous advantage during wedding season). And doing a lot of thinking.
My own position is odder than most, I think, because not only am I a single young woman whose friends are all getting married (not really an uncommon position to be in), I'm a single young woman who's never been entirely convinced that God was calling her to get married. Ever.
Thus, the position I find myself in is one of watching my friends face into futures that are taking shape, with comforting lines and seemingly predictable challenges, while my own future still looks like an open horizon at sea. Light and darkness in a sky that goes on forever.
I see Thomson's point. Married life seems more settled than single life. When you get married there is a sketched-out plan: enjoy newlywedness, have children (most likely), establish a home, save for the future, grow old together. In singleness, there can be a sense of waiting ... is "the plan" just around the corner or will it never arrive? And in light of not knowing, what should I do?
In "Single While Active," I addressed the action side of this waiting period; Thomson addresses its inherent worth. Singleness is a time where God speaks (and we are perhaps more available to listen), she says. It is a time where we can focus on building an intimate relationship with Him while also establishing sweet community with those around us. Additionally, singles may have more flexibility to make big plans and more time to invest in championing the family.
In the end, it's very dangerous to compare singleness to married life and say that God is at work more in one than in the other. Thomson emphasizes that what makes married and single the same -- God's desire to glorify Himself through willing lives -- is more important than what makes them different.
I'll settle down on my little ship tonight, swallow away my human confidence, and glory in all the possible futures that lay before me. One thing I know: Married or single, there's wonder and holiness in all our paths.
Thomson has discovered the heart of the matter. Our ships aren't as different as they may seem. After all, they're headed in the same direction. And there's profound comfort in that.
I love real people's stories. Throughout my single years, true stories have encouraged me the most. That's why I appreciated today's featured Boundless article, "Talking Singleness."
In the article, Mark and Sarah, who married several years later than the national average, discussed how they dealt with singleness, how they met and what they wish they would have done differently. Mark says:
I could have done a better job of looking for other relationships as my relationships changed. I didn't see any natural methods beside joining a softball team — which I did, but it didn't help.
I also could have tried harder to network with people and say, "Look, I'm struggling with relationships and community; can you help me figure out ways to build that stuff in my life right now?"
And I could have thought outside the box to use my time, because you have a lot of time. I could have gotten a master's degree. Taken a six-month or yearlong sabbatical from work for a missions trip. Gotten a second job to pay off bills. I wasted a lot of time waiting for life to happen for me.
Community and activity were two themes that emerged from this interview. Don't wait for life to happen to you while you're single. Do use your time wisely. Ephesians 5:15-16 puts it this way: "Be very careful, then, how you live — not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil."
Incidentally, when I recently interviewed a dozen married couples, these two things — an obvious investment in community and a zest for life — surfaced again and again as attractive qualities that drew individuals to their now-spouses.
I love real people's stories. Look for mine tomorrow as the featured article.
Partly, it's the season. With summer arriving here in America, so arrive the summer clothes and summer questions. What is modest? Does a tank top qualify? How short makes shorts too short? What about swimsuits? Although I'm eternally grateful for whoever figured out that swim shorts weren't just for men, are my swim shorts and tankini top really modest?
Sometimes I get frustrated on the lack of agreement among believers about what is modest and what is not. Can't we just develop the "Seven Simple Rules of Modest Dressing" so that I can shop and be done with it? Instead, it feels like the Christian attitude towards modesty often mirrors Justice Potter Stewart's Supreme Court argument about pornography: "I know it when I see it." In our case, we can't tell you what's necessarily modest, but we know immodest when we see it.
But I found some clarity on this issue when I read a recent article titled "The Single Woman and the Modesty of Personal Restraint" by Lydia Brownback. In the article, Brownback encourages us to examine the modesty of our actions:
"... [I]mmodesty deals with a lot more than revealing too much skin. We are just as prone-if not more so-to overexpose what's under our skin. Revealing too much about ourselves is immodest too.
Sharing confidences and personal experiences with someone forms a bond... If we share a little bit with someone and all goes well, it seems safe to share more, and before we know it, a bond has formed. This can be a great blessing, but when we allow it to happen in the wrong context, it is unwise, and great hurt can result."
Brownback goes on to offer some practical advice on how single women can relate to single men, to married men and "modesty of speech."
My real take-away from the article, though, came from this section:
"There is a time and place to open up and share our sin struggles and personal concerns, and if we are careful to apply Peter's words about the modesty of personal restraint, we will be wise not only about the time and the place, but also about the people we choose to share our hearts with."
A time and place. That's really, I thought, what modesty is about. It's about a time and a place.
Rather than rules and regulations, that phrase sums up an attitude. An attitude of waiting until appropriate. There is a time and a place for intimate conversation between a woman and a man. There is a time and a place to share the intimacy of our bodies. For both, it's marriage.
Modesty, then, isn't about prudishness or hang-ups or an aversion to sex. It's not about, though I'd still love to have them, rules.
Modesty is an attitude that acknowledges and affirms that intimacy and sex are wonderful in their God-given context. It's women and men who are willing to wait for that time and that place and who refuse to "hint" and "flirt" with that intimacy prematurely.
I was perusing a new blog, Girls Gone Wise, and found a really interesting article by Carolyn McCulley (a frequent Boundless contributor) titled, "Single and Fully Feminine."
In the article, Carolyn shares her struggle to determine exactly what biblical femininity looks like as a single woman.
"Because the Lord made the woman to be a helper, the contours of biblical femininity are usually sculpted through relationships with others - as wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt. Though I am definitely a daughter, sister, and aunt, I am not (yet) a wife or mother. But I know that God created me female in his own image, and that he has given me this gift of singleness in this season of my life. These are not mutually exclusive concepts, but sometimes I still wrestle with how to express them both to the glory of God."
Carolyn writes about how hearing a series on Titus 2 made her realize something -- of the seven qualities that Paul urges older women to teach to younger women in Titus 2, only two of those are exclusively for married women (love your husband and be subject to him) and one for mothers (love your children).
"That leaves at least four for all women, married or single. Despite my marital status, I was to be self-controlled, pure, busy at home, and kind."
I could really relate. Because Titus 2 includes instructions about husbands and children, I've often thought of it as instructions to young wives and young mothers. Or, even, as something to learn for a future life as a wife or mother.
But, as Carolyn points out, there are instructions there for all young women, right here, right now. Self-control. Purity. An orientation toward and work within the home. Kindness.
But Carolyn doesn't stop there. She writes that just because she is not a wife and mother (yet), there are still things to learn in the other three qualities.
"Love your husband": Carolyn points out that "because of all the worldly junk [she] had imbibed on the topics of feminism and relationships," she felt it important to read books and attend seminars on a biblical view of marriage. Not only does this bless a possible future husband, she writes, but it has practical purposes now:
"I believe I can serve my married sisters best by shoring up their marriages. In our conversations and with my observations of their lives, I want to be able to help my married friends think biblically about their marriages and to think the best of their husbands. To unbelievers, I want to be prepared to explain the mystery of Christ and the church in the institution of marriage."
"Love your children": Carolyn writes,
"Whether or not we actually give birth, women are called to nurture the new life around us in various ways. Before I became a Christian, I was not very interested in children. I assumed I might have children one day, but I was oblivious to the children around me and did not care to spend any time with them. This is one area where God has made a tremendous change in my life. Over the years, I have had rich relationships with many children. The Lord has also given me evangelism opportunities with children."
And though Carolyn doesn't address submission, I know I could have benefitted greatly when single by really wrestling with specific passages in the Word that speak about the different roles of women and men.
The article was an effective reminder that Titus 2 is talking to all of us.
Mind The Gap by Ted Slater on 04/20/2009 at 3:42 PM
We published an article by Lauren F. Winner this past week that, frankly, does not apply to most of our male Boundless readers. Most of the men who read Boundless Webzine and participate on The Line are on a trajectory toward godly manhood, and don't fit the gamer boy stereotype offered in Winner's article.
Essentially, Winner argued in "Mind The Gap" that the lack of male leadership and involvement evident in colleges and in church is largely the result of the slacker gaming culture. Relevant sentences:
Regardless of what we say we think about women and leadership, when it comes to college-aged and 20-somethings, women are leading in all sorts of areas....
It's not just in the ranks of church volunteers that women are outshining men. According to a recent cover story in The Chronicle of Higher Education, women are outpacing men on college campuses, too. More women than men are attending college, and once they get there, women get better grades and devote more time to civic activities and serving in leadership positions in campus organizations. At graduation time, women also bring home more awards and honors than men....
Men devote far more time than women to playing computer games. Men also exercise more and watch more TV, and are more likely to oversleep and miss class....
I found the article to be both encouraging and depressing: I think it's good news for women, who, studies show, were being edged out by men in college classrooms as recently as 15 years ago. And I think it's good news that female high school students are excelling, taking college prep classes, going to college and doing well once they get there.
But it's not such great news for society that so many in college take video games more seriously than studying....
So, if more women are getting into the habit of working hard, volunteering and leading civic activities, and more men are getting into the habit of applying themselves to Wii, then it's really no surprise that out there in the real world, the grown-up church world, it's women who seem more willing to shoulder responsibility.
In all honestly, if you found Winner's article to be offensive, I'd understand why. It tends to make sweeping generalizations about men and about women. The tone is a bit on the cynical side. It offers few legitimate solutions. Why did I publish it, then? Because the facts remain that percentage-wise, women are more involved than men in community leadership roles, at least in university and church.
I think that's a real problem. And I'd like to see us discuss this.
Our first thoughtful comment is from Mike Theemling, who e-mailed me the following:
* * *
I agree that there is a definite gender gap in both the academic realm and the church realm. I haven't heard much more than anecdotal evidence myself regarding church volunteering, but news outlets have reported the gender gap in academic achievement. I do agree with the author's thesis that the two areas (academic performance and lack of volunteerism) are related.
I sensed this gap when I attended high school. All throughout my HS years, only three males consistently made the High Honor Roll. Myself, a friend of mine, and one other guy we didn't know. The rest on the list included about a dozen women (who also happened to be on student council and involved heavily in extracurricular activities). In my graduating class I was the only male in the top 10.
There's a lot of debate as to the causes of this phenomenon. I believe that there isn't one specific cause, but rather a number of factors such as cultural expectations, economic considerations, and so on. My own personal theory is that the two largest causes of this trend are 1) the lack of strong fatherly role models in a boy's life, and 2) the lack of societal pressure on young males to achieve academically (e.g., oppression whether real or perceived, culture not glorifying academics, etc.).
Up until the last 20 to 30 years, most families were of the "nuclear" sort (two parents and kids). Now, there are many more single parent homes with the usual head of household being a woman, with the highest single parent households in the African American and Latino demographic groups. According to some studies, the most important indicator of academic achievement — regardless of gender or even economics — is whether or not both parents live at home.
True, this assertion is sometimes disputed and there are plenty of counterexamples (I've found many other studies which seem to contradict each other; some say that just having a mother is the most important, some say that the "two parent" benefit is greatly exaggerated, etc.). Indeed it is a complex beast, but very few would outright dismiss that having two parents living at home is preferred and more beneficial to a child's wellbeing than just one.
Consider that since many single-parent households are headed by a woman, conventional wisdom says a boy would lack a "father figure," and thus would tend not to step up and take the lead either academically or culturally (again, some dispute this claim). He does not see within his own household that a man needs to "provide for the family" (he only sees a woman doing it) and thus feels consciously or subconsciously that it's perfectly fine to slack off.
On the flip-side, a girl in such a household may see the difficult situation her mother is in and become more motivated to succeed, not wanting to end up like them.
Of course some would say that there are plenty of nuclear families where the sister still outperforms the brother. That is where the second reason may come into play: there is also a distinct lack of societal pressure on young men to succeed.
Young girls are told all the time to "do everything that a man can do," and role models and news stories tend to be of those who are breaking glass ceilings, something which requires academic excellence. However, role models for young men are either largely absent or emphasize less on academic achievement and more on things such as athletics or music. Sometimes there can also be an incentive to fight the "patriarchal societies" that oppress women and may motivate them to work harder to prove themselves (indeed, issues such as the gender pay gap seem to be legitimate grievances). This should not be interpreted however that "it's all feminism's fault." Just because women are more motivated to succeed does not mean it "caused" men to become less motivated.
Finally, I think also related to this is the delaying of marriage among young adults (it may be a cause or a symptom of the male achievement gap, or both). Because there is less pressure to get married and have kids at an earlier age, there is less pressure on a man to find a career which can provide for more than just himself. Why then does this only affect men and not women? Perhaps because women realize that when a child is born, more often than not they are the ones who will have to provide for the baby, and thus they are more motivated. I admit this is just speculation though.
As to the solution? The author unfortunately is vague on this point but don't knock her; coming up with viable, concrete solutions is difficult. She criticizes guys spending too much time playing video games, but I don't think video games are the core problem. The core problem is controlling what young men do with their free time. Girls may be naturally more inclined to use it productively, but most boys it seems are not.
I believe the most practical and simple solution, at least for the academic realm, is for a parent to exert more of their God-given responsibility to manage their kids' time. That means making rules limiting TV, Internet, video game use, and so on. That also means making rules (e.g., homework done before play) and consequences for not following those rules.
Benjamin Carson, an African American man raised by a single mother, consistently did poorly in school. People thought he was just plain "stupid." His mother didn't know what to do at first, but then began to make and enforce some rules to help his study habits. Rules like "limiting his television watching and refused to let him go outside to play until he had finished his homework each day. She required him to read two library books a week and to give her written reports on his reading, even though, with her own poor education, she could barely read what he had written."
Because of this, Ben realized he wasn't stupid after all — in fact he became one of the smartest kids in school. He eventually went to become a renown neurosurgeon.
If more parents followed what Ben's mother did, raising their children up to be ready for society rather than trying to "befriend" them, this problem of the male education gap wouldn't be as serious as it is now.
* * *
I'd love to hear what thoughts this article, and Mike's comment, have brought to mind for you.
At first I ask, How do I change this? Then, as resignation sets in, I wonder, How do I survive singleness? In particularly painful moments, I want to know more: Why should I be contented? Why should I stay the course? Does God see me? Does He even care?
I think most singles can relate to Elisabeth's feelings. I recently wrote an article on a similar topic. In it, I considered this question: "Am I valuable to God in my singleness?" The answer yes. Undeniably. I am chosen by God, eternally loved and redeemed for His purposes.
But feelings are another matter. Elisabeth talks about how her mother and grandmother got early starts on motherhood, while Elisabeth's story will be different. Those are the kinds of realities that can distract and discourage us from living in the moment God has for us today. They can make us wonder if our singleness is a waste. The author reminds us that a useful life — a life that glorifies God — is founded in truth. These truths include:
I am primarily defined as God's child (with all the blessings and responsibilities that entails), and not as a single woman.
The area of romance is not outside the realm of discipleship: God will use it to test me and refine me and bring me joy, just as He does with every other facet of my life.
Painful singleness can be godly singleness. God does not condemn me when I am upset. Those feelings have to go somewhere, and His ear and heart are the safest place.
Though I'm experiencing a different kind of pain than married people, we are all in the fellowship of suffering.
I can model true love while I'm single. Every day I continue to walk with Jesus, He gives me opportunity to exchange the "I-wants" stored up in my heart for the happiness of others. Because He loves me so outrageously, I can make a sacrifice, say "My pleasure," and find it is the exact truth.
Waiting won't stop when I enter a relationship. At each stage of friendship, courtship, and marriage, the future is still God's business. Mine is to habitually counter my imagination with the truth: Who this person really belongs to, what our true relationship is — today — and what true love will do for him as a result.
That is only part of the list Elisabeth provides. Truth is so important at any life stage. And, as the author points out, when we're walking in truth — whether single or married — none of our days is a waste ... not one single day.
As I continue to think and pray about my goals for 2009, I'm buoyed by a story about Boy Scout Shawn Goldsmith who did the unheard of: he earned all 121 merit badges in time for his 18th birthday (the deadline). Tuesday's Boston.com reports:
It's an accomplishment the local arm of the organization calls "an almost unheard-of feat." Oceanside resident Shawn Goldsmith earned his final badge -- for bugling ... He far surpassed the 21 badges required to achieve the elite rank of Eagle Scout.
He said he took about five years to earn his first 62 badges and then nearly doubled that number in a matter of months. He did it with the encouragement of his grandmother, who died shortly before he reached his goal.
Speaking of buoys, here's another young man who is showing the rest of us what it looks like to do hard things. What hard things are you planning to do in the new year?
I really resonated with Elisabeth Adams' Boundless article this week, "His Love Stories." Perhaps it was because my own sister also found her love and got married this year. (Quite literally; my sister and her husband weren't even dating this time last year.)
After sharing the wonderful stories of how God brought together some of her married friends, Elisabeth writes:
It was only because of the mercies of God that, after years of wrestling, I finally relinquished control of my love life to Him. Contrary to my expectations, it had nothing to do with ceasing to care about marriage. Instead I learned to become a living sacrifice: regularly, trustfully pouring out all my longings before Him.
And I am certain He hears. After all, God is "the best maker of all marriages," and I'm convinced that He loves to do it! He brought Eve to Adam. He prompted Eliezer's prayer for guidance, and then answered it by matching Rebekah with Isaac. He arranged for Ruth to "accidentally" bump into Boaz, inspired Naomi when she counseled Ruth to consider this man who seemed so beyond her grasp, and fueled Boaz's determination to finish the matter that very day.
This is a picture of God's heart. This is what He wants to do for all His children. This is what He wants to do for me.
I'm sure it was no coincidence that Ted chose to publish my article next to Elisabeth's. It has a similar theme: trusting in God's goodness.
Something I pondered as I was writing "Vessel of Honor" was this idea that ever since the Garden of Eden, Satan has been trying to convince us that God is withholding something from us — that He doesn't truly have our best interest at heart. This causes us to grasp at what we want, because we don't trust God to meet our needs. This shortsightedness can cause us to base our contentment on present circumstances because we fail to understand the big picture — that ultimately obedience will be rewarded both in this life and the next (Psalm 73:13-17). Shifting our perspective to an eternal one makes a world of difference.
I think singles must feel more acutely than most that we are "aliens and strangers" in this world (1 Peter 2:11). The thing is, all people long for something more because this earth is not our true home.
And so the gap between single and married is not so wide after all. All of us wait eagerly for our ultimate union with our heavenly Bridegroom. And as we live faithfully — single and married — our very lives proclaim Christ to the world.
I recommend reading Elisabeth's and my articles together. Remember your high calling, child of God. The world needs sons and daughters of God who live like they truly believe.
I'm right in the middle of about half a dozen projects. I can speak from experience that the middle is not so glorious. Generally, I start projects with great gusto. Then the pressure to finish sets in. Sometimes I simply lose motivation and the task sits on the back burner indefinitely. In her article, "The God of the Middle" Stephanie Voiland explores the sometimes-frustration of being stuck in the middle:
In the middle, you don't have the freshness—the hope and adrenaline—that comes with new beginnings. And you don't have the sense of completion or the relief of closure that accompanies the end. In the middle, it's often a matter of trudging ahead, one foot in front of the other—too far from the start to turn back, and too far from the finish line to even know how much further you have to go, let alone to see the light at the end.
While this middle malaise may be experienced in a job, living situation, ministry, education or almost anything, Voiland discusses how it middle-itus impacts her singleness:
I imagine the ending of my single status would be easier than this middle segment too. Not because marriage is easier somehow, but because of the perspective that comes when a chapter is closing. And maybe even more than that, because of the relief in knowing that there is, after all, an ending point to this season. Sometimes I think that's what gnaws at me most about this stage: that it might not be a stage, after all—that this is going to be it, indefinitely, till death do I part. Because, of all the good and gracious things God has promised me, marriage isn't one of those guarantees.
In one of my all-time favorite Boundless articles "A Season of Celibacy," author Jenny Schroedel tells her own story of weathering the "middle." She ended up regretting the anxiety that had plagued her single years:
I wish I’d had the wisdom to define myself as temporarily celibate — not available to men until further notice from God. Soon after my boyfriend and I broke up, I headed to Hawaii to work with a missionary organization. A few weeks later, I met a man with a laundry bag slung over his shoulder. He and I struck up a conversation that lasted through sunset, through dusk and late into the night. During that first encounter we each recognized our future spouse in the other person.
Jenny's story may not be typical, but she makes an important point: The ending point of singleness may come unexpectedly and without fanfare. Why not live in utter faithfulness in the meantime? Can that in any way be a bad thing?
Though marriage is not a guarantee for singles who desire it, Voiland points out that singleness is not a permanent state:
Even if I never register at Macy's or wear a flowy white dress or "upgrade" to Mrs.—my single status will have an ending point. Regardless of how things end up from an earthly perspective, I will be a bride someday. After all this time stuck in the middle of awkward, limited human relationships, each one of us—married or not—will experience true, unconditional love. After all this time of waiting, the time will finally come when we will be the bride of Christ.
Don't underestimate the middle. You may look back one day and see that it was one of the most important seasons of your life.
I suppose it's finally time to admit that I am an extrovert. For years I have been telling people that I am an introverted extrovert. That I recharge with alone time. But I'm pretty sure that's not true anymore.
Take this weekend for example. I deliberately made no plans so that I could get some things done — clean my room and bathroom, mop the kitchen floor, work on a writing project. I turned off my phone. I didn't go on Facebook. I drank an entire French press...twice.
By the end of the weekend I was terribly lonely. The absence of people highlighted that empty spot that I suppose is always there. In his article "The Gift of Loneliness," Peter Nadeau describes that gnawing feeling of alone:
If there's an organ in the body that causes loneliness, I'm sure it's located near the stomach. When I'm really hungry I'll eat anything—lettuce, ice, dried pasta, frozen peas. The same is true when I'm lonely. I'll look anywhere or do anything to stop the hunger.
I know I'm lonely when I check my e-mail, click on another site, and then check my box again to see if mail came in. Maybe I missed something. Sometimes I dial the voicemail on my cell phone to check for messages, even though the very colorful and accurate display screen reads "no new messages." Maybe the screen messed up. When I get home from work, my first stop is my office to check my phone. Aha! The little green light on my caller ID box is flashing. A new message! I dial into the system. I punch in my code. I wait. I frown. I hang up. Another telemarketer wants to sell me solar heating for my pool.
I can relate. I try to avoid these lonely moments as much as possible. But perhaps loneliness serves an important purpose. Nadeau explains that Adam felt incomplete before Eve, but it allowed him to recognize that God had more for him:
I know too many singles who pretend they aren't lonely and pretend they don't care about marriage. At times, I fight the same temptation. It's easier to deny the angst of being without a soulmate than to step into the abyss of loneliness. Stifling a desire makes us feel in control; acknowledging a desire makes us vulnerable. Yet a desire that isn't open can't be filled. Adam's experience reminds singles that loneliness is normal and necessary.
This is affirming to me, because often I grow weary of the single life. I want to throw in the towel because everything seems out of place in my life. I took a wrong turn somewhere. I need a new job. I need to change churches. I need new hobbies. I need new friends. I need to move to a new city. Yet when I calm down and take a good look at my life, I realize I actually like my job and my church. I enjoy my hobbies. I value my friends. I love where I live. I'm just out of sorts because I feel unconnected. But it's okay; I should. Adam had the same feeling until God gave him Eve. We're made for so much more. Loneliness is the wailing siren that doesn't let me forget.
The way I chose to deal with my loneliness this weekend was by reading Ephesians 6 and reminding myself of the need to put on the full armor of God. Nadeau points out that loneliness drives us to God:
Loneliness brings me to a place of submission and surrender. The weight of a lonely heart is too great a burden for me to bear. I struggle, strain, and grit my teeth to carry the load, but it becomes too much. I'm forced to lay it at God's feet and let him carry it. Surrendering our desires for intimacy to God isn't the same as stifling those desires. When we surrender our desires for romance to Christ, we admit we aren't in control of this area of our lives nor do we want to be. We heed his call to patience. We wait for his best. When we kneel before our Father with uplifted hands, we have his promise that when we ask for bread, he won't give us a stone.
And ultimately, loneliness isn't a single problem; it's a human problem. God meets our need for community and connection in this life in a variety of ways: marriage, family, Christian fellowship. But our lonely moments also remind us that this world is not our true home. It's good to remember that now and then.
I loved your article on "Mind the 'Single-Minded' Church." Could we have a posting on The Line about this article so we could open it up for comment? I would really like to ask the Boundless readers the following:
What practical steps are their churches taking to help their singles move toward marriage? How can churches encourage marriage in a way that does not alienate single men? Do readers have examples of things from their churches that have "worked" in producing new marriages?
I am in a very pro-marriage church, but the focus is solely on strengthening marriages that already exist. There is almost no focus on creating marriages or in providing help for singles to marry well. My singles pastor even told me recently, "I can only talk about marriage a few times a year, otherwise, people get turned off." Needless to say, I have stopped attending the singles group.
My sense is that even if pastors are concerned that singles are delaying marriage, they don't know what to do about it, and I think that's the next area to focus on. ... It would be great to get other's ideas about what is working out there to help singles marry.
Thanks for all you do.
So what are your thoughts? Do you have a pastor who's helping singles marry well?
Single and Needy by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 09/29/2008 at 9:25 AM
A few weeks ago, I bought a new TV. My 19-inch and I were pretty happy together, but there were a few drawbacks. My house is never the place to watch movies with friends—even though I have a cozy TV room. And my college-aged roommate once blurted: "I hate our TV." (She was having a bad day.)
And so, I finally decided to upgrade. With the new TV came the hassle of dealing with the cable company for the right hook-ups. Of course, everything that could go wrong did, and as the cable representative became my new best friend, I found myself thinking, I shouldn't have to deal with this!
Finally, I asked a male friend to stop by after work to take a look at the connecting cables. Predictably, my roommate and I had hooked them up incorrectly. Problem solved.
Several of my single female friends have disclosed their own unwelcome hassles: spiders, car troubles, broken appliances. As single women, we've all had moments where we've had to ask others to bail us out. Author Stephanie Voiland asks: "Does Being Single Make Me High Maintenance?"
For the second time in two days, I found myself staring at the contact list on my phone, trying to figure out who would be least inconvenienced by a call from a stranded motorist—or more accurately, a homebound motorist. Thankfully, I found someone who was willing to help me, and the repair was minor (my diagnosis was right: it wasn't the windshield wiper fluid). But mixed in with my gratitude at having wheels again was a certain sense of indebtedness. I couldn't shake my feeling of guilt that once again I'd needed to be bailed out.
I've come to realize that sometimes it's a blessing to others when you allow them to help you. Sure, it might be an inconvenience, but it gives them the opportunity to serve. And it's a two-way street:
As I wrestle with my fear of being a burden, though, it occurs to me that maybe the very thing that makes me feel high maintenance—my single-woman status—might be what enables me to be there for my community in ways I wouldn't be able to otherwise. I may not be able to change my friends' tires for them, but I can go to their house at the last minute to watch their kids in an emergency. I can use my vacation days to help a nonprofit organization in a third-world country. I can get involved somewhere in the evening without fear of interfering with the family dinner.
Dependence is a driving force in the Body of Christ. It's the world that tells women they must be independent. Voiland concludes:
So I suppose when it comes down to it, I am high maintenance. But then again, in one way or another, maybe we're all high maintenance. And perhaps that's not such a bad thing. In fact, that very well may be how God planned it all along, so we'd have to acknowledge our need for each other and our need to live interdependently. The apostle Paul puts it this way: "We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other" (Romans 12:5).
Neediness is good. Everyone is dependent on Christ for salvation, and He has designed us to be dependent on each other as well. So go ahead, let someone bail you out. It will be your turn, soon enough.
Dennis Prager spoke at Focus on the Family last Friday. One of the points he made was that the emphasis of God's work on the second day of creation was in separating. He explained that in the Hebrew, the word for "separate" is the same as the word for "holy." That's why holiness has historically had a context of being set apart and distinct.
Just before going to hear Prager speak, I read a new article in Christianity Today by Marcy Hintz called Choosing Celibacy. That article made an interesting point about how Christian singles can be separate or set apart. Too often, the books and articles I read about Christian singleness seem to seek some kind of hybrid between the single culture we know today and the concepts Paul wrote about two thousand years ago to the church in Corinth.
Unfortunately, those hybrids often seem to err more on the side of accommodating the single culture we know than they do on wrestling with the implications of the fully dedicated celibate life that Paul describes in the book of Corinthians. As a result, we now have a Christian subculture of Paul (and Pauline) the Playboys who wrap their singleness in Paul's statement "it's better not to marry," but then fail to live out the kind of "dedicated devotion" that would distinguish them from their secular peers.
Hintz appears to be seeking a more distinctive life as a Christian single. She writes:
Why not call for a vowed, vocational commitment to the church? What would change in our culture of singleness if the church were to reclaim a tradition that reinvokes the memory that we live in the time between the gospel's first announcement and its final fulfillment—a time in which marriage is celebrated, but celibacy is held out as a radical sign of fidelity to Christ and his body? ... Though some churches may flinch from ordaining a celibate vow, we might still use the word celibacy to rightly honor and rightly name the countercultural life to which singles are called. In doing so, we encourage more than just abstinence from sex. We bless the single vocation. We recall the church's history and remember our true family. We christen singles as called-out ones, with familial gifts that amplify the church and her outward-looking mission.
The valuable point Hintz stirs up is that the Protestant community does not provide a formal path for the kind of dedicated and set apart single living that Paul describes. That's of great disadvantage for men and women who truly feel called to celibacy. It's also a reminder that celibacy is quite different from just being single. When Paul said "I wish you were as I am," he meant much more than just his marital status. He meant a life entirely distinct and set apart from the culture of his day for God's service.
Hintz hints, however, at the difficulty she has faced in promoting celibacy as way for Christian singles to be set apart:
Midway through the discussion series, I met one of my best single friends for lunch. After effusing for a half-hour on the overall energy of the class, I turned to her and asked, "How do you think about your singleness?"
My friend is not passive. She's an artist, she's a leader, and her eyes wear the look of someone who sees into the world with meaning. But on this occasion, her eyes looked down. When she raised them, they were skimmed with tears. "I want to be married," she said, and then looked down again.
I appreciate that Hintz included this anecdote because it's a reminder that many men and women who are single do not feel called to celibacy and would very much like to be married. For Christians who know they should be set apart but believe they are called to marriage, the more helpful context is the one Hintz touches on later in the article when she writes, "While chastity binds married couples to a shared intimacy and singles to refrain from sex, both callings are self-sacrificing as well as self-giving, and both rise from an engagement of love and of faith."
"Chastity" is a calling for both the Christian single who will eventually marry and the one who vows to forgo the blessings of Christian marriage for undivided devotion to God in celibacy. This distinction is key because it's a reminder that while all Christian singles are called to be distinctly set apart from the world, only a few are called to sacrifice marriage permanently as a demonstration of that holy distinction.
Have you seen the book Guyland by Michael Kimmel? I just picked up a copy and started reading it. Kimmel is a professor of sociology at State University of New York, Stony Brook. He's far afield from typical Boundless writers -- in fact Gloria Steinem is one of his book endorsers -- but it appears he has written a valuable book.
The cover flap to the book makes this proposition: "Only by understanding this world [Guyland] and this life stage can we enable young men to chart their own paths, to stay true to themselves, and to travel safely through Guyland, emerging as responsible and fully formed men of integrity and honor."
So how does Kimmel define Guyland? Here's an excerpt:
Guyland is the world in which young men live. It is both a stage of life, a liminal undefined time span between adolescence and adulthood that can stretch for a decade or more, and a place, or, rather, a bunch of places where guys gather to be guys with each other, unhassled by the demands of parents, girlfriends, jobs, kids, and the other nuisances of adult life. In this topsy-turvy, Peter-Pan mindset, young men shirk the responsibilities of adulthood and remain fixated on the trappings of boyhood, while the boys they still are struggle heroically to prove that they are real men despite all evidence to the contrary.
Kimmel believes that readers of his book (which are most likely to be people who aren't in Guyland) should "appreciate and support individual guys while engaging critically with the social world they inhabit." He goes on to say:
In fact, I believe that only by understanding this world can we truly be empathic to the guys in our lives. We need to enter this world, see the perilous field in which boys become men in our society because we desperately need to start a conversation about that world. We do boys a great disservice by turning away, excusing the excesses of Guyland as just "boys being boys" -- because we fail to see just how powerful its influence really is. Only when we begin to engage in these conversations, with open eyes and open hearts -- as parents to children, as friends, as guys themselves -- can we both reduce the risks and enable guys to navigate it more successfully.
Discipleship Journal (DJ) has an interview with speaker and author Michelle McKinney Hammond in their September/October issue. Two of the questions and answers caught my attention.
Here's the first:
DJ: Describe a challenge you've faced as a single. Michelle: Being responsible for every aspect of my life can be overwhelming. This is where I really appreciate the prospect of having a partner. Though that presents its own challenges, I understand why Solomon said that two are better than one. I've had to learn to ask for help, delegate, and be realistic about what I can commit to.
Being over-committed is something I can relate to as a married father of two, but not as a single. It could be because the majority of my single years were spent as a non-Christian who lived only for myself. So I don't know what it's like for Christian singles who expend themselves fully for God's Kingdom to the point of feeling over-committed.
What about you? Can you relate to Michelle on this?
Here's the other Q&A that I found interesting:
DJ: How can married people encourage singles they know? Michelle: Singles need to see married couples relating in ways that glorify God. Many married people are negative not only about their marriages, but also about marriage in general. This assaults singles' faith. Couples should be honest and keep it real about their struggles and the things they've learned, but they also need to share the rewards of the journey toward becoming one.
Good stuff. But the first step here is getting married couples and singles to interact. Which makes me wonder how many of you have relationships with married couples. Are the married couples in your church intentional about getting involved in your life? And have you been responsive to their invitations? If so, do they model marriage the way Michelle suggests?
The New York Times' blog post "Single, Childless and 'Downright Terrified'" has the forums humming. Lots of folks are debating the notion that getting old without offspring is a frightening proposition. Jane Gross writes,
... having witnessed the "new old age" from a front-row seat, I'm haunted by the knowledge that there is no one who will care about me in the deepest and most loving sense of the word at the end of my life. No one who will advocate for me, not simply for adequate care but for the small and arguably inessential things that can make life worth living even in compromised health.
Those who are intentionally childless insist they have plenty of insurance and other safeguards in place to make sure someone's there to feed them creamed spinach. Others, who still wish their lives had worked out differently in the realm of family, hope they will. But for all the back and forth about getting old alone, there was an omission I found striking. Nowhere in Gross' original post was there any mention of community, religious or otherwise. Most tragically, no mention of a church -- her church, the church, any church.
Instead, she looked to the prospect of an expanded role for friends. "Friends helping friends through illness or old age" is a possible solution, she says, but unfortunately, such "is a luxury of those who can afford to do it with no help from the government or their employers." Why is that? "The handful of benefits available to family caregivers are not available to friends who have taken on the identical role."
Her recommendation: have a "conversation" about "the 'second class' status of friendship in 'the American hierarchy of relationships' and 'grant it legal status.'" Maybe the answer lies in granting friendships the same or similar rights as biological relatives.
I think Gross has stumbled onto one of the reasons God made families, and by default, one of the unintended consequences of our cultural assault on marriage and children. Unfortunately, her proposed solution -- marriage-like legal rights for friendships -- if embraced, would undoubtedly produce more such unintended consequences.
The reality of an aging, childless population is undeniable. How we care for them, however, is yet to be decided. Where some see tragedy, I see opportunity. The church is uniquely gifted to step in with compassionate care not only for the body in this life, but also for the spirit with a view toward the next.
Waiting Well by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 07/15/2008 at 11:30 AM
I don't like to wait for things. I would guess that many modern individuals find waiting difficult in an instant-gratification world. In "Work the Wait," Stephanie Voiland gives some very personal insight into the frustration of biding your time:
When will I get my turn to hang a white dress in my closet?" I mumbled as I hung up my fourth bridesmaid dress last summer. A single 29-year-old, I'd watched friend after friend join the ranks of "Mrs."; I couldn't help but wonder, How much longer, God?
As I contemplated my life's many delays, I realized I don't like waiting—and I'm not very good at it. But I wanted to grow during my waiting seasons rather than become bitter or lose faith. So I asked God to show me how he's working through these divine delays.
But God isn't obligated to reveal to us why we're in a holding pattern. In fact, some waits seem like they have no purpose. And perhaps, "the delay is simply the product of a sin-ravaged world." Other times, God is using the wait to accomplish something greater. Voiland uses the example of Lazarus (John 11):
Jesus was good friends with Lazarus and his sisters, Martha and Mary. Christ even crashed at their place occasionally. So surely when he heard Lazarus was ill, he'd rush to his side and heal him! Instead, we read this haunting sentence: "Although Jesus loved Martha, Mary and Lazarus, he stayed where he was for the next two days" (verses 5–6). My knee-jerk reaction is to cry, "Hello! Why were you waiting? That's not love!" Martha and Mary were slightly more diplomatic, but they expressed the same sentiment: "Lord, if only you had been here" (verses 21 and 32).
With our limited vision, Mary, Martha, and I couldn't see God sometimes doesn't give us what we request so he can give us something better. Jesus said the death of Lazarus "happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory for this" (verse 4). Granted, a healing would have been amazing. But Jesus had a bigger plan that couldn't occur without Lazarus's time in the grave.
Even when the wait was purposeful, Jesus engaged in the pain it caused. He wept. Voiland ends with some solid, hope-filled advice for those who wait:
I 'd still like a white dress to hang in my closet someday—preferably someday soon. But now as I wait, I'm careful not merely to mark time, so preoccupied with what's next that I miss out on what's now. I'm striving to wait well. And part of waiting well, I've learned, is being open to God's lessons about redemption, trust, compassion, and his higher purposes along the way.
The Need for Need by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 07/08/2008 at 2:12 PM
I hope all you Americans had a good Fourth of July. I watched fireworks with friends and thanked God for the freedoms I enjoy in this country. While you were celebrating, you may have missed a little jewel of an article Friday. I did.
Jewish rabbi and relationship expert Shmuley Boteach, known as the "Love Prophet," believes he knows why singles today find it so hard to discover their soul mate. His theory is so sound and makes such sense in our confused world that I wish I had invented it. When it comes to love, Boteach writes, we've become a generation of "aristocrats" in search of the perfect match, when the real secret to lasting love — the attitude of a "peasant" — is available to us all along.
To explain what she means, Kiesling quotes Boteach from his book Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments:
I often ask people, "Aren't you going to get married?" At that point I hear a strange response: "When I meet the right person." Sure, the idea is reasonable, but the sentiments are rarely so. Usually what I am hearing is a person telling me that they are waiting for a person to come along and impress them with their eligibility. This is the thinking of aristocrats, and leads nowhere. In dating, you should always be a peasant.
Ouch. That hits pretty close to home. Sounds a little like what I refer to as "identity baggage." Here's how Kiesling describes the difference:
The "needy, beautiful peasant" approaches the possibility of romance from the starting point of "What do I lack?" and looks for someone who can fill that need. Their main asset on the Potential Soul Mate test is their vulnerability.
Need, the rabbi asserts, is the dirty little secret of dating that no one wants to admit. But when you're looking to fall in love — when you're looking for the happiness that comes from giving yourself fully to another — it's all about "opening yourself up, exposing your vulnerabilities, and creating a space where you and a lover can grow together." In short, Boteach says, it's about realizing that need is good.
If you've been single for any length of time, you've probably been coached that it's best to not appear needy — ever. But Boteach's theory seems to contradict that. What do you think? Is need a missing ingredient in finding love?
It came to my attention this morning that two of our authors, teens Alex and Brett Harris, were interviewed by NPR about their passion "to encourage teens to act responsibly, become leaders and change the world."
These young men challenge me, someone who's no longer a "young adult," to resist the low expectations I might have adopted for myself and pursue the Lord's will in all its vibrancy and adventure.
Do you ever get the sense that people you know are reading some kind of book that teaches them how to be jerks and how to live destructively? If so, there's a chance they got a hold of Life's Little Destruction Book that came out back in the nineties. Here are a few entries from that book:
Use more plastic. Stand up your date. Name drop. Reserve compliments for people who can do you some good. Ask her if the diamond ring is real. Apologize a lot but don't change. Let your blind date know she isn't up to what you were told. Ride on the shoulder until you pass all the jammed traffic; then cut in. Forget the punch line, but don't let that stop you from telling jokes. Assume the authority but not the responsibility. Swear this time you mean it -- really. Overconsume and buy on impulse. Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet. Eat off your date's plate. Put your feet on the table. Pretend you're listening. RSVP on the last possible day. Show up late and leave early. Don't replace the toilet paper roll. Always play devil's advocate. Go ahead: ask what your country can do for you.
I bought this book (that's clearly labeled "a parody") for material to use in a Freshman Orientation class I taught. The irony is, my students (and I) were more motivated to do the right thing by this book than by the popular Life's Little Instruction book it was based on.
Have you noticed the matchmakers popping up on TV?
Bravo Channel has Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker, who helps lonely millionaires find the love of their life. Then, A&E has Patti Novak (what's with all the Pattis?) in Confessions of a Matchmaker, calling her "one of America's toughest matchmakers."
I caught an interview with Patti N. on the late night rerun of Oprah last Friday. What surprised me about her segment was how conservative some of her approaches seemed. She advised Oprah's panel of single gals to beware the "pickle jar effect," meaning that women are so successful, fabulous and content, that they forget to let men open the pickle jar. "The one thing I don't think is ever going to change on this planet," she said, "is men still need to feel like men. So, let them open it." Let men pick the restaurant too, she advised, and pay for it. You could see Oprah squirming in her seat a little, but the message was clear -- let the man be the man.
Over at Bravo, Patti S. is spouting some conservatism of her own -- no sex between clients. According to Patti S., when women have sex outside of a committed, monogamous relationship that's headed towards marriage, it turns men into Peter Pan little boys and ruins it for all the rest of the women.
Unfortunately, both these ladies are still miles from a biblical perspective on dating. Patti N. mocked one client's virginity ("How could this have happened?" she wondered) and, though Patti S. may not allow sex between clients, she still advised one young woman to wear clothing that, uh, showcased her assets.
Still, it seems that these two matchmakers have realized that certain biblical truths (like Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 6) work, whether they understand why or not. And, it seems, there's a growing segment of singles out there who are tired of the hookup culture and are willing to try traditional. Here's hoping that, at some point, they see the Lord's entire picture.
Not one to stop with just half the story, journalist and author Kay Hymowitz presents the other side of the "Child-Man in the Promised Land" problem in "The New Girl Order." The evidence Hymowitz presents is overwhelming: single young females a la Sex in the City are no longer a New York City phenomenon. They're everywhere. Hymowitz writes:
Carrie Bradshaw is alive and well and living in Warsaw. Well, not just Warsaw. Conceived and raised in the United States, Carrie may still see New York as a spiritual home. But today you can find her in cities across Europe, Asia, and North America. Seek out the trendy shoe stores in Shanghai, Berlin, Singapore, Seoul, and Dublin, and you'll see crowds of single young females (SYFs) in their twenties and thirties, who spend their hours working their abs and their careers, sipping cocktails, dancing at clubs, and (yawn) talking about relationships. Sex and the City has gone global; the SYF world is now flat.
Is this just the latest example of American cultural imperialism? Or is it the triumph of planetary feminism? Neither. The globalization of the SYF reflects a series of stunning demographic and economic shifts that are pointing much of the world—with important exceptions, including Africa and most of the Middle East—toward a New Girl Order. It's a man's world, James Brown always reminded us. But if these trends continue, not so much.
Hymowitz's research reveals three drivers of this rise of SFYs: 1) women are delaying marriage and childbearing, 2) women are looking for careers, not jobs, and pursuing the degrees that make that possible and 3) women are leaving home and moving to the city.
She describes the shift in the landscape this way:
Combine these trends—delayed marriage, expanded higher education and labor-force participation, urbanization—add a global media and some disposable income, and voilà: an international lifestyle is born. One of its defining characteristics is long hours of office work, often in quasi-creative fields like media, fashion, communications, and design—areas in which the number of careers has exploded in the global economy over the past few decades. The lifestyle also means whole new realms of leisure and consumption, often enjoyed with a group of close girlfriends: trendy cafés and bars serving sweetish coffee concoctions and cocktails; fancy boutiques, malls, and emporiums hawking cosmetics, handbags, shoes, and $100-plus buttock-hugging jeans; gyms for toning and male-watching; ski resorts and beach hotels; and, everywhere, the frustrating hunt for a boyfriend and, though it's an ever more vexing subject, a husband.
So what does it all mean? "There's much to admire in the New Girl Order," she says, "but as with any momentous social change, the New Girl Order comes with costs -- in this case, profound ones." Her conclusions are mostly economic; showing the logical outcome of so little marriage and low fertility to be an initial surge in prosperity, followed by dramatic downturns. "Economies will plunge in ways that will be extremely difficult to manage," she says, "and that, ironically, will likely spell the SYF lifestyle's demise. As Philip Longman explains in his important book The Empty Cradle, dramatic declines in fertility rates equal aging and eventually shriveling populations."
But it's not just money that matters. She hints at a deeper concern when she notes that by and large, single American women still want to get married and have babies, due in part to the influence of religion. What remains to be seen is if a lifestyle so focused on earning, spending and partying will eventually lead to marriage and family. And if it does, what those marriages and families will be like.
We often get grief whenever we talk about an article or stat documenting trends among young adults. Our readers often say it's not fair for us to assume that general trends are also true of the Christian sub-set of the population. And that, indeed, should be true. Christians are supposed to be different and various studies by Barna and other Christian researchers do prove that Christians don't neatly parallel a general audience -- although they've found the margin of distinction shrinking in recent years.
It was through this lens that I read an important new article by Kay Hymowitz in City Journal titled Child-Man in the Promised Land. This is not a flattering description of today's young men. Kay makes the point that the values of Maxim magazine that set the standard for so many men aren't even as refined as the values Playboy held out for earlier generations. A core observation appears halfway through the article:
We can argue endlessly about whether "masculinity" is natural or constructed—whether men are innately promiscuous, restless, and slobby, or socialized to be that way—but there's no denying the lesson of today's media marketplace: give young men a choice between serious drama on the one hand, and Victoria's Secret models, battling cyborgs, exploding toilets, and the NFL on the other, and it's the models, cyborgs, toilets, and football by a mile. For whatever reason, adolescence appears to be the young man's default state, proving what anthropologists have discovered in cultures everywhere: it is marriage and children that turn boys into men. Now that the SYM can put off family into the hazily distant future, he can—and will—try to stay a child-man. Yesterday's paterfamilias or Levittown dad may have sought to escape the duties of manhood through fantasies of adventures at sea, pinups, or sublimated war on the football field, but there was considerable social pressure for him to be a mensch. Not only is no one asking that today's twenty- or thirtysomething become a responsible husband and father—that is, grow up—but a freewheeling marketplace gives him everything that he needs to settle down in pig’s heaven indefinitely.
Getting back to your comments to us that Christian men shouldn't be judged by general observations, my preference is to believe there is a subset of Christian men who are living transformed lives distinguished from the single young men this article spotlights.
Is that your experience? Are you living/seeing distinctive lives from the "Child-Men" of this article?
Tom makes a good case for his analysis that twenty-somethings are too young for a crisis and ... well, a little bit whiny. But as your comments reflect, the Quarterlife Crisis remains a crisis nonetheless. As many of you pointed out, cultural influences and our families have set us up to expect more -- a lot more -- than we will likely get. And when that realization hits -- it's a blow.
In my article "Set, Go ... Ready," I examined the Quarterlife Crisis and its impact on our generation. One of the discoveries I found most interesting was our loss of an "inner life."
A lack of decisiveness regarding career choices coupled with anxiety over achieving financial success is paralyzing young adults. And it's costing them something. Wikipedia reports:
"The era when a professional career meant a life of occupational security -- thus allowing an individual to proceed to establish an 'inner life' -- is coming to a crashing end."
It is troubling that young adults have lost something as valuable as an "inner life." They are delaying some of the most personally satisfying pursuits -- getting married, committing to a church, establishing a home and having children.
Not only do twenty-somethings struggle to achieve the traditional marks of adulthood and establish families, we have also been raised to view both success and self-fulfillment as equally necessary. Speaking of the current twenty-something generation, developmental psychologist Jeffrey Arnett says:
"They have grown up as the most affluent generation in American [or world] history, so they have high expectations for life. They all expect to find a job that not only pays well, but is enjoyable, and they all expect to find their 'soul mate.' "
And I know many of you are thinking, What's wrong with that? Nothing ... exactly. Only, affluence is not a requirement for abundant life. How many of us confuse cultural values with biblical ones? ("God wants me to be happy, right?" Wrong. And is that your definition of happy or God's?)
If looking for a person who doesn't exist is keeping you from getting married and accepting the responsibilities of adulthood; if the pursuit of finding a vocation that completely "fulfills" you is holding you back from doing something you're good at and can succeed in; then perhaps you need to ask the Lord for a reality check and start pursuing an "inner life." I said it in the article, and I'll say it again: Get set and go ... you're probably more ready than you think.
Steve's blog on the so-called midlife crisis comes when I've become aware of another alleged time of adversity: the "quarterlife" crisis. Briefly, the quarterlife crisis hits people sometime after college and before they turn 30 when they realize that, well ... life is hard!
I first became aware of it while interviewing Tim Elmore, a protégé of leadership guru John Maxwell. "It's 25-year-old people who are seeing counselors and therapists because they haven't yet made their first million, haven't yet found the perfect career or the perfect mate," Elmore explained. "It's self-imposed stress and pressure."
This age group, dubbed "millennials" by demographers, are "much less attuned to reality" than previous generations, Elmore said.
There's even a book for this phenomenon, called, appropriately enough, Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties. (I have struggled mightily not to use the adjective whiny up to this point.) According to the Booklist review, this slim volume talks about "the pressure of coming from a relatively stable environment, such as college, and then being flung into a world where they [the whiny people ... um, sorry ... the 20somethings] have to worry about finding out exactly what they want to do, land the right job, pay the bills, and still manage to have time for friends and family."
I'm sorry. I hate it when someone plays the "wise elder" bit with me, but I'm going to do it here. (Yeah, I also once asked my daughter, "If everyone else was jumping off a cliff, would you?" It happens.) To those people suffering from this self-indulgent "crisis," I want to say, "Welcome to the world!" Whoever told you it would be easy? Oh, I forgot: All your teachers did. You're the "self-esteem" generation who were told you were great even if you never actually accomplished anything or put forth any effort.
It's as though these people are the first to discover that nothing in life is handed to you. It's similar to my generation"s apparent discovery that humans can procreate -- witness all those silly "Baby Onboard" decals during the '80s. (Oh, wait! A lot of Boundless readers probably were those babies onboard!)
Okay, I exaggerate. I know many fine 20somethings who are nothing like this. I work with several of them. In fact, I suspect most 20somethings are nothing like this. But then most men my age are nothing like the stereotypical midlife crisis guy. I haven't bought a Ferrari. (As if!) I don't need a toupee. (Thanks to whoever passed on the full-head-of-hair gene.) And I've never had a mistress. (I love my wife just fine, and we're going on 28 years now.)
But like many 20somethings, I have at times struggled with life: Am I doing what I should be doing? Am I living up to my potential? Does my life matter? And why does Sylvester Stallone keep making dumb movies? Fortunately, I know that God is sovereign, and even through my bumbling His grace sustains me. Those simple truths should be enough to banish any sense of crisis should it try to creep in.
"If You Want Me to Treat You Like an Adult, Start Acting Like One!." That's the name of a new study to be published in the Journal of Family Psychology.
It reflects the way parents see their 18- to 25-year-old sons and daughters these days -- and how many of their children see themselves.
An article about the study done by three BYU professor found that "80 percent of parents do not consider their 18-25 year-old college students to be adults" and added "The students agree."
The article continues:
The time period for which parents are responsible for their children is lengthening and parents have new expectations for their children once they reach their 20s.
The study shows evidence that a distinct life stage has emerged between adolescence and adulthood. Larry Nelson, associate professor in the school of family life, and lead author in the study refers to students in this stage as "emerging adults."
"The message parents are sending to their kids is "You may be 18 but that doesn't magically make you an adult. There are things you first need to develop and that hasn't happened yet," Nelson said. "It's not that their kids refuse to grow up, it's that they are still in the process of doing that."
While BYU capped the transitional age range at 25, 30 is the other key age often cited. Comments such as "30 is the new 20" (in the context of maturity) motivated me to write a Boundlessarticle earlier called "Adult Before 30?" that specifically focused on how guys have been underestimated by culture:
Expectations are at an all time low. But what changed? Is it no longer possible for guys to become adults during their 20s? ... A 20 year-old man is at the same level of biological maturity that 20 year-olds were generations before.
"By 20, most of the mental and bodily characteristics that have been evolving in the pre-adult years are at or near their peak levels," wrote Daniel Levinson in his classic book from the 1970s, The Seasons of a Man's Life. Levinson marked the period from 17 to 22 as the age that men move from adolescence into adulthood.
But despite reaching their peak of physical development and having the capacity for the demands of adulthood, guys for some reason still aren't making the transition.
Cultural changes can put hurdles in the paths of new generations -- making it more challenging for them to move to the next level of maturity. Then again, cultural change can also give people a pass on taking on the responsibilities of the next stage of life while being free to primarily enjoy the benefits of where they are.
Which change do you think is driving this new stage of development?
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