Does Age Matter? by Denise Morris on 01/30/2012 at 9:39 AM

I'm sitting on my couch, and my feet are aching. I wore heels last night, and ever since I started grad school, I rarely force my feet into uncomfortable shoes. My feet have become wussy. But I wore heels last night because I was at my friend's wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony and a fun reception with dinner and dancing and good friends.

The best man, the groom's brother, gave a hilarious speech in which he spent a good amount of time making fun of the couple's age difference. You see, my friend, the groom, is 33, and his new bride is 21. The best man spent a lot of time talking about the things the bride would have been learning when his brother was 21. She was 9 and in third grade. Crazy!

They have quite the age gap, but they're great together. They have similar hearts, and their families both think they suit one another perfectly. I have other friends who've married people much older or younger than them, and although it seemed kind of like a big deal at first, it's now normal that they're together. And of course, in other cultures, it's quite normal for people to marry outside of their "age bracket" (although, I usually hear about this solely in terms of older men marrying much younger women in other cultures).

I've only ever dated people close to my age because that's just how it's worked out. However, I thought about it last night, and when I've filled out online dating profiles, I usually put my age limits around five years older or younger than me. I tend to think that much more than five years would be either too old or young. I can see myself dating someone older much easier than I can see myself dating someone 10 years younger than me, however. My level of life experience, maturity (hopefully) and goals seem to fit better with someone who is older than 19, right?

But while at the wedding last night, I wondered if I limit myself a lot by not even considering people who I feel are outside of my age range — in either direction. I know friends who would still be single if they hadn't been open to the idea of dating someone older or younger. And it turned out to be well worth it for them, even if they had to work through some extra complications or endure teasing from their friends.

Do you know people who have married outside of their age range? What are some of the unique complications or benefits? What are some things couples with a big age gap need to be aware of?

Does Age Matter? by Denise Morris on 01/30/2012 at 9:39 AM

I'm sitting on my couch, and my feet are aching. I wore heels last night, and ever since I started grad school, I rarely force my feet into uncomfortable shoes. My feet have become wussy. But I wore heels last night because I was at my friend's wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony and a fun reception with dinner and dancing and good friends.

The best man, the groom's brother, gave a hilarious speech in which he spent a good amount of time making fun of the couple's age difference. You see, my friend, the groom, is 33, and his new bride is 21. The best man spent a lot of time talking about the things the bride would have been learning when his brother was 21. She was 9 and in third grade. Crazy!

They have quite the age gap, but they're great together. They have similar hearts, and their families both think they suit one another perfectly. I have other friends who've married people much older or younger than them, and although it seemed kind of like a big deal at first, it's now normal that they're together. And of course, in other cultures, it's quite normal for people to marry outside of their "age bracket" (although, I usually hear about this solely in terms of older men marrying much younger women in other cultures).

I've only ever dated people close to my age because that's just how it's worked out. However, I thought about it last night, and when I've filled out online dating profiles, I usually put my age limits around five years older or younger than me. I tend to think that much more than five years would be either too old or young. I can see myself dating someone older much easier than I can see myself dating someone 10 years younger than me, however. My level of life experience, maturity (hopefully) and goals seem to fit better with someone who is older than 19, right?

But while at the wedding last night, I wondered if I limit myself a lot by not even considering people who I feel are outside of my age range — in either direction. I know friends who would still be single if they hadn't been open to the idea of dating someone older or younger. And it turned out to be well worth it for them, even if they had to work through some extra complications or endure teasing from their friends.

Do you know people who have married outside of their age range? What are some of the unique complications or benefits? What are some things couples with a big age gap need to be aware of?

Comments

[1. Sarah said the following at 10:30 AM on Jan 30:]

1

My parents married outside their age range, and it seems to have worked. But they also married when they were over 35, so maybe it was easier because they were already older. But my pastor also married a woman 10 years younger than him while she was still college-aged, and they have a great marriage.

[2. Hallie said the following at 10:34 AM on Jan 30:]

2

Great post. My parents are 13 years apart, so I never thought age gaps were strange. My exception is when the younger person is still in their teens (18 and 30 sounds a lot creepier than 27 and 39).

Given the vast differences between my parents (age, culture, and ethnicity) I've grown up with a very open mind regarding my future spouse. Sure, I have some preferences, but in the end I know that God's plan is always the best one. I don't know the age of my future spouse, but when he comes along, I'll trust that God knows what He's doing. ;)

[3. Jacob said the following at 10:39 AM on Jan 30:]

3

The knife cuts both ways, from what I have seen.

One person I know married a man over ten years older than her. On paper, marrying an older man sounded like a good idea in that it might help her to mature. Unfortunately, there was a reason why he was still "available." He himself was immature and their marriage ended not much more than a year after it began.

On the other hand, there is a wonderful couple at my church who exhibit the same age difference and they are great together and have a very solid marriage that is an example to my wife and I (who are only 1.5 years in to married life).

The moral of the story is that it's not the age of the person, but the maturity of the person that counts. I've met some very mature 19 and 20 year olds and some very immature 40 year olds. Yet, the fickleness of the human heart renders it too blind to realize the extent of someone's maturity (or lack thereof), which all the more reinforces the need to hear (and heed) wise, godly counsel.

[4. Karin said the following at 10:56 AM on Jan 30:]

4

Well, I know it was a different time, but my grandparents were 10 years apart (Opa was older than Oma) and the only major complications occurred when they were elderly. On the flip side, my mom is a little older than my dad, but their maturity levels were about the same when they met. I think the difference tends to matter less once you're an adult because what stage of life you're in makes more of a difference than a number.

[5. aaron chinn said the following at 11:05 AM on Jan 30:]

5

I was at a wedding earlier this month with a similar age gap to the one you described. The more I encounter couples like this that fit together perfectly, the less I think about it. My friends and I joke about standard creepiness, but it's just that. My only concern is that I worry about making young ladies uncomfortable by asking them out if they're close to the threshold.

[6. Craig M. said the following at 11:17 AM on Jan 30:]

6

A ten year gap is nothing if the man is older, and attractive.

[7. Aiene said the following at 11:19 AM on Jan 30:]

7

I remember my teacher telling me the story of his relationship with his wife. He mentioned how odd it was to look at the fact that when he was 15 his wife was 3! If you look at it that way, it’s weird, but if you didn't meet the person until much later, then it’s no big deal. I think more people would marry, if they were more open to marrying someone older or younger than they are. The pastor's daughter at my church married at age 29 to a 23 year old man. He was young but, he was very mature and had to go through her parents so they knew he was living his life to a certain standard. Had she counted him out simply because of his age, she would not be married now. I try not to count people out due to age, since I'm not that old myself. I wouldn't mind dating someone years older or a few years younger but they really have to prove themselves if they are younger.

[8. Caroline said the following at 11:24 AM on Jan 30:]

8

My fiance is 10 years old than I am (he's 33; I'm 23). After my initial surprise at his age (he does seem younger, more like mid-twenties), it hasn't presented any issues. We can laugh about the difference in our childhoods and we are well-matched. I prefer that he's older since so many men are not all that mature at my age. I would rather be involved with someone mature who isn't stuck in a college mindset.

[9. Julie said the following at 11:31 AM on Jan 30:]

9

I am dating a man who is 10 years younger then me, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. We talked about our age difference at first, but now we hardly ever bring it up because it simply doesn't matter. I think about all that I would be missing if I would have stuck to what I thought was an acceptable age difference (no more then 4 years older or younger). We figure that when Jesus was on earth, He worked outside of societal norms, and we are just modeling that :) Either way, this much younger man is a better fit for me then any guy my age ever was. And I thank God daily for him being exactly who he is, age included.

[10. Julie said the following at 11:33 AM on Jan 30:]

10

I think it's definitely limiting to have a preconceived idea of appropriate age gaps. It's hard enough to find someone even if you are not inflexible in this area. I don't know if I'd want someone 20 years older than me, but certainly up up to 12 years older or 6 years younger would likely work, depending. Practically speaking, the older men-younger woman pairing can work well, because he's probably more established in life, and yet she's still got good fertility. Also, from what I've seen, many men don't feel ready to marry until their 30s, which can make life difficult for woman who want to marry someone their own age.

[11. RCC said the following at 11:37 AM on Jan 30:]

11

The thing I think is funny is that most people are ok with the woman being younger but I get the feeling that if were the other way around and the man was the significantly younger one people would think the badly of the woman.

[12. Tim said the following at 12:04 PM on Jan 30:]

12

I have a cousin who was 24 when she married her husband, who was 40, divorced with five year old twins. They are not even Christians, but they have a great marriage (this summer will be #40).

At my last church, there was a dear old lady who, when she married many years ago, was 16 and her husband was 32. Man, that wouldn't go over nowadays. :)

[13. Ashley (the original flavor) said the following at 12:14 PM on Jan 30:]

13

Jacob @ #3 is right on the money. My boyfriend is 30, I'm 26 -- four years is nothing, really, but we are just... so compatible. Thought process wise, position in life wise, things just work.

Juxtapose that with the 25 year old I dated when I was 24. We weren't at all in the same place in life and it was just a huge confusing mess.

It is so much less to do with your chronological age and so much more to do with how you each approach life as a whole and where you are, personally, in your walk with God and in the world around you.

[14. elena said the following at 12:15 PM on Jan 30:]

14

I'd agree that age differences shouldn't be a make or break deal. However their significance will almost certainly be felt more once the couple becomes elderly. A seventy year old woman will likely still be very active and engaged with outside life. An eighty year old man, on the other hand, usually faces a much more pronounced slowing down. Also, a woman who marries a man much older than herself will most likely be a widow for a significant portion of her life. My guess is most people consider their loved one worth it, even knowing these outcomes. But we should be aware of what we're getting into.

[15. Lindsay said the following at 12:53 PM on Jan 30:]

15

My parents were 33 and 21 also when they got married. A nearly 12 year age difference didn't stop them from having a good marriage.

Maybe partly because of my parents' story, I dated and married a man nearly 16 years older than I. We've been married a year and a half and have a new baby...and we have yet to have an argument. We talk about everything and are best friends and we almost always see things the same way. It does help that my husband, at 42, looks much younger and has stayed fit. Also, I appreciate his wisdom and maturity. He appreciates my input as well and values my insight. He has more life experience than I have, but I've always been mature for my age and we don't have any problems in relating to each other. In fact, it's almost freaky the way we see eye to eye on everything. We really make a good team. I do realize that it's likely that I'll be a widow at a younger age than some women, but, then again, considering how fit he is, my husband may well outlive me. There are always accidents that can happen so there's no telling who will live longer. In short, we aren't guaranteed any amount of years. Even if I knew for sure I would be a young widow, the time we spend together will be more than worth it. I can't imagine having it any other way.

[16. mlissag1 said the following at 1:16 PM on Jan 30:]

16

I think it might be daunting for a 25 year old man to marry a 35 year old woman. If he pursues marriage it would definitely be "GO TIME" on the baby front right away. A 35 year old man would more likely be ready for that, emotionally and financially.

I had a Christian man in his forties say to me the other day that he was looking forward to having kids one day. I am married so this had nothing to do with me. He said he was looking to marry younger. Part of me was really annoyed because I thought if he waited so long to marry he should look for a woman in his age range. I knew awesome Christian woman in his age range. It was annoying that he had the luxury of looking for someone younger and not worrying about fertility issues. Flip the situation and the woman in her forties might have trouble conceiving or have to look at other options.

[17. MicahT said the following at 1:41 PM on Jan 30:]

17

16. mlissag1

Your friends were in their twenties once too, weren't they?

It's odd to be annoyed that someone you know is still healthy enough to have kids.

[18. Mike Theemling said the following at 1:45 PM on Jan 30:]

18

Worldwide, not just in the Western world, the average age difference for married couples is about 3-4 years where the male is senior.

Also, do a straw poll of every married couple that you know. How many of them is the woman significantly older than the man (I define "significantly older" as 3+ years). I daresay less than 5%. But I'd bet you'll find plenty where the man is not only older, but significantly older; even 7+ years older. Doesn't matter if you are a Christian or not.

This shouldn't be too much of a mystery if we stop thinking PC. The reason why men prefer younger women is largely due to sex appeal, fertility, and our attraction towards youth in general. If given the choice all things being equal (appearance, education, personality, etc), a 35 year old man is given the choice of marrying a 35 year old woman or a 25 year old, guess which one he will pick? It has almost nothing to do with "spiritual maturity" or any other red herring excuses. It's just about biology and how men are wired.

Why is it that successful businessmen in their 50's don't marry successful women in their 50's, but rather women 20 years their junior?

Here's what this means in terms of dating. If you're a woman who is 30 years old, your pool of "eligible men" who would probably be interested in you are those who are about your age or older. But remember, most guys who are 30 years old would rather date those who are 25 in general.

Plus there's the issue of fertility. A woman's fertility starts to decline in her early 30's and starts rapidly going downhill from there. Obviously, there are exceptions and some women have no problem conceiving multiple times even in their 40's, but one should not play to the exception if at all possible.

I'm not saying there is anything "wrong" with an younger man and an older women. But that simply we need to be cognizant of the realities of peoples' preferences.

[19. JRS said the following at 2:03 PM on Jan 30:]

19

I agree with elena (@14). While we never know what Providence has for us, and every day that we do have is another gift, I am glad that my husband is only two years older than I am given normal aging and life expectancy patterns.

[20. Becky said the following at 2:16 PM on Jan 30:]

20

I struggled with this for a bit when I became interested in a man who is 6 years younger than me. I told myself I wasn't interested because of the age, but when I looked at the available men at my church that were around my age, he outshone all of them,

It's going to be different for everyone, but none of the men my age are where they should be spiritually and I certainly couldn't see them leading a home. However, this young man that came across my radar is passionate for the Lord and is proactive about becoming the man God wants him to be. We connect so well and I can see myself being able to follow his direction because I trust that he has put his faith in what God wants.

I think it's incredibly naive to think that if someone is outside of a few years of your own age that you shouldn't consider them for marriage. That's just as narrow-minded as saying if he doesn't have brown hair or drive a certain car or like chocolate then you shouldn't marry him.

[21. Maggie (from Canada) said the following at 2:20 PM on Jan 30:]

21

My husband and I are over 8 years apart, and we haven't really had any age-related issues. We married 3 months ago at 31 and 39. I know with some people you can tell that there are issues with maturity that keep them single into their 30s and later, but in my husband's case, it was simply opportunity. He spent most of the last 2 decades pursuing his goal of being a doctor and has a very rare specialization. Contrary to what you see on Grey's Anatomy, that didn't leave much time for finding love!

Honestly, I have thought about the fact that our age difference will likely mean that I will be widowed, but I would much rather have these years together than wait for someone my own age (while my own fertility diminishes). Plus, both of my grandmothers lived into their mid-90s, so it seemed likely that even if I married a man my own age, I'd outlive him.

[22. Dave In KC said the following at 2:47 PM on Jan 30:]

22

If I remember correctly, this topic has already been discussed in Episode 74 of the podcast, as well as here:  http://www.boundlessline.org/2007/01/age_differences.html
 
Suzanne Hadley Gosselin & Ted Slater have both discussed the age differences in their personal marriages on more than one occasion.
 
Speaking from my own personal experiences, I've dated women on both sides of the age-gap.  (19 years older than me & 15 years younger.)  My grandfather was 20 years older than my grandmother, & my mother a year & half older than my father.  My grandfather passed away before I was born, but from what I've heard through family they had a great marriage.  When I was in my early-to-mid 20's, I didn't date anyone much younger than me for obvious reasons, but now that I'm in my late 30's I don't think a 10-15 year age gap one way or the other makes much difference.  Although I can say from experience that once you approach the 20 year difference, there tends to be a rather obvious generation gap.  My current gf is 7 years younger, & we never really think about the age difference unless someone specifically brings it up.  I can also say from my personal experiences that the so-called "maturity gap" tends to disappear sometime in the mid-20's.  That is, if I were 30 & dating someone who was 20, the maturity gap was definitely more noticeable than if I were 35 & the woman 25.

[23. Cathy in NOLA said the following at 3:02 PM on Jan 30:]

23

My husband and I met when I was 17 and he was 24. He got a lot of flak from his friends for 'robbing the cradle.' But the truth was that I was pretty mature for my age. I never struggled with the massive immaturity of my peers and he had already had his wild stage. When I met him he was nearly finished college and determined to do well in his career. He proposed when I was 19 and married when I was 20. We've been married for 16 years now and have 5 kids. It's wonderful! I absolutely agree that you need to be mature enough to not only grasp the principles of godly marriage but also to *embrace* them.

[24. Kelly-1 said the following at 3:50 PM on Jan 30:]

24

Dave In KC - I applaud you for dating a woman 19 years older than you. THANK YOU.

18. Mike Theemling said:

"a 35 year old man is given the choice of marrying a 35 year old woman or a 25 year old, guess which one he will pick?"

So is this why I have never, ever dated a man in his 30's?

It's crazy. In the last year alone, I've spent time with/dated men who are:

6 years younger, 7 years younger, 4 years younger (woo-hoo, getting closer!) and 13 years younger (and he was actually my favourite of the bunch). Now I've gone the reverse direction and am getting to know a man 10 years older.

It's actually been a refreshing change, spending time with an older man because (like me) he wants marriage and kids NOW. Mr-13-years-younger didn't want that for, well, another 13 years. :p

At the same time, I'm conscious that I'm attempting to "steal" a 40-something man from the single women in their 40's. But as I said before, I've never, ever dated a man in his 30's. Go figure.

[25. Elle said the following at 5:12 PM on Jan 30:]

25

I think the issue of age in relationships all comes down to the two individuals in question (obviously with the proviso that they are both of a legal age). It's impossible to generalise on such an issue, and making up rules for who you can and can't see based on the year in which they were born is not really helping anyone to have better relationships.

[26. Taylre said the following at 5:37 PM on Jan 30:]

26

My parents are 30 years apart in age. My mom had me when she was 39 and my dad was 69. It caused unique problems in my childhood because not only has my dad not been able to always throw the ball in the yard with me, but he had trouble attending my activities too, and he's been altogether outside the culture of my mom and I, with cell phones and internet and fast-paced life. We have problems attending the same church, or even the same church service. Now that my dad is retired and my mom is still working, it puts a lot of stress on her to take care of him and it causes a lot of discord in the family because he is depressed that she is not retired with him, and he worries that we hate him because we always go off and leave him at home, but truly we just don't have the same interests anymore. He's interested in country music and TV and home-cooking and down-home churches and going on long drives, and my mom and I are interested in more modern music and healthy choices and reading and contemporary churches. What is okay for us, is not always okay with him (like me having a long standing boyfriend). Also his mind is going and he has trouble comprehending everything we do, so he's always behind and he thinks we conspire to do things without him knowing, when really he just forgot or it's a new development even for us. We still love and respect him, so, so, much, but it's really screwed up the later part of my mom's marriage and my home life and my dad's retirement because my mom has had to take the dominant position in the family and I've always had a dad that was more like a grandpa and my dad never got to settle down properly. So, in other words, age does matter. My mom says that now that she has me she would never do it over again, but she strongly supports not marrying someone over ten years older than you.

[27. Katherine said the following at 5:47 PM on Jan 30:]

27

I dated some 22 when I was 21. It didn't last because he was very immature for his age and I'm very mature for my age; he acted like he was 15. I know that everyone's different but I'm hoping to date someone older next time, up to 7 years older. I'm open to possibilities though if the guy is mature for his age.

[28. Mike Theemling said the following at 5:51 PM on Jan 30:]

28

By the very fact that the majority of testimonies here are of older men marrying younger women (and not so much vice versa) reinforce my point.

[29. Sarah K said the following at 6:03 PM on Jan 30:]

29

My grandmother, who was 9 years younger than my grandfather, always advised us grand-daughters to marry a younger man. Why? Because they'll live longer relative to you. Grandpa died and left grandma a widow for 16 years before she died. If he was nine or eight years younger, they could've had those years together. Food for thought!

PS. My cousin, at 39, married her 29 year old boyfriend this fall and she's now pregnant. They are really happy :)

[30. Nicole said the following at 6:41 PM on Jan 30:]

30

I find it interesting to see what others consider to be older or younger. To me if someone said they were seeing someone 'older' I'd assume they meant at least a 10 to 15 years age difference if not more, it's a little strange to think that as little as 3 to 5 years is thought of as considerably older to some! Then again, I'm out of my twenties now and I'm sure I felt 30 was ancient at 21!
I'm actually really enjoying dating a man who is closer to 40 than to 30. I have all the benefits of meeting him at his best time of life! He had his children young, and for someone like me who doesn't exactly dream of parenthood, its a huge wieght off my shoulders that I won't be asked to give him children. I can just enjoy him for who he is; confident, mature, succesful, and old enough to know not to make the same mistakes he made 20 years ago!
Don't knock dating the "older" man!

[31. Laura said the following at 7:06 PM on Jan 30:]

31

Mike Theemling is definitely onto something. I am now 30, but married at 24 to a man who was 34. Since my teen years, I'd always been far more attracted to "older" men for their maturity and conversation and when my husband was thinking about marriage in his early thirties, women in their twenties were pretty much the ones he had in mind. It really does stink for women who have difficulty finding a mate in their "prime" years (which I would guess as being in their twenties for college girls and maybe even late teens for women who may not attend college). I remember being in college in my very early twenties and thinking these were my prime years for being open to getting married and it wasn't even a Southern or "bridal" (Bible) college. I also knew I didn't want to be an older mom and so now we're done having kids at 30 and 40 respectively.

Fertility and (let's be honest) head-turning looks are prime in a woman's twenties. I know plenty of 20-something women desperately want to settle down but no men are coming along, but to all the ones who think they can wait and all those guys asking you out now still will be in 3, 5, 8, 10 years: They probably won't. Most will have long since settled down with the pretty, peppy, fertile college grad who is so interested in them, marriage and motherhood (now). By all means travel, go on missions, go on adventures, but realize your peak years for finding a husband likely are in your early to mid twenties...

[32. SarahB said the following at 8:02 PM on Jan 30:]

32

I have been pondering this issue a ton lately. I specifically prayed that Boundless would post something related to age differences tonight and then looked at the site. I just want to praise Jesus for answering even the slightest prayers! This article was featured. :)

Anyway, I am encouraged to see the positive feedback about age gaps in dating. I keep running into a man who is 16 years older than me. Although I am not interested in dating him (because he is not yet Christian), I do believe that God wants us to be friends. I don't think that our chance encounters have been coincidence. I have talked with him about Jesus quite a bit. In general, I am beginning to trust him and consider him a friend, but my older brother is telling me that no 38 yr-old could possibly want to be friends with a 22 yr-old. He is convinced that this man is a pervert, even though they have never met.
I have been praying a ton about it and I feel as if God keeps confirming that I should remain in contact with this man despite the age difference.

[33. Dawn said the following at 8:12 PM on Jan 30:]

33

Being a single in my mid-thirties, I'm really feeling this age thing when it comes to dating. Most marriage-minded men around my own age (30s-early 40s) are looking for younger women (probably because of the kid issue). The guys that show interest are in their late 40s to early 50s...and to a 35 year old woman, old enough to qualify for AARP is too old. Plus there' often a huge life-experience gap with significantly older men once you hit the 40s/50s. Many older men have been married before and have kids. For someone that has never been married, it just doesn't seem ideal. That being said, God does work in mysterious ways.

[34. anon said the following at 8:37 PM on Jan 30:]

34

Once, I tried dating a woman who was significantly older than me (40 vs 29). Before too long, I began to feel that she was a poor match, and we stopped dating.

One of the issues was that there was definitely a needy and neurotic facet to her personality that I couldn't soothe. I think she would have benefited from dating an older man, who could have taken a more emotionally dominant position in the relationship, tempering her negative traits.

At first, I didn't understand why couplings between an older woman and a younger man were so rare...but now I think I do.

[35. SHP said the following at 8:39 PM on Jan 30:]

35

Well, I guess I'm in the less common age gap situation: my husband is 5 years younger. We did marry when I was 35 and he was 30. The discussion about having children quickly had to happen early enough (if I remember right, it was around engagement time). We are happy that we had no problem starting a family - we'll have 3 kids for our 4th anniversary! But I agree that this doesn't work for everyone...

My parents have a 4 year difference (my mom is older), so for me that was not an issue. For my husband, however, it was something he had to get over when he found out my age (at the beginning he thought I was his age or less, and he never thought about marrying someone older than him). I'm thankful for my mother-in-law, who pointed to him all the couples he knew with this kind of difference who have great marriages. Now he doesn't think about it anymore.

It's quite funny when I think about it, but all the guys who pursued me before him were older than me (5 to 10 years older).

[36. Dannie said the following at 8:44 PM on Jan 30:]

36

I'm dating a guy who is 9 years older than me. I'm 33 and he's 42. I love it and we are good for each other....

I have aunts and grandparents living well into their 90s and 100s so there will probably come a time no matter who I date (younger or older) where I will be alone all circumstances being normal and not tragic.

[37. Paul said the following at 10:07 PM on Jan 30:]

37

My Grandad married Granny when they were 36 and 21 respectively. Right now they are 95 and 79; both are still reasonably healthy, although Grandad has to have a lot more sleep these days, and Granny was in a lot of pain until she had a hip replacement a little while ago.

I do recall one study suggesting that men who married significantly younger women have a longer life expectancy, and my grandparents would suggest that trend.

In my own circle, a couple I know whose ages are (roughly) 40 (him) and 22 (her) are quite well regarded by those around them. They're both quite spiritually mature, but aside from that he certainly doesn't act like a 40-year-old. In fact they are leading an short-term overseas mission team together, leaving this Saturday!

[38. Keith said the following at 11:27 PM on Jan 30:]

38

Age doesn't matter, but maturity in the husband and youthfulness in the wife does matter.

Regardless of age, a man needs to be mature enough to lead and provide for his wife and family. I feel mature enough to take care of my wife, who is 4 years older. In contrast, some men marry way younger women because they want someone as equally immature. If a guy is marrying a lady ten years younger you have to wonder whether the lady is very mature, or if the guy wants someone young because he is still really just a little boy.

Also, youthfulness in women has more to do with character than age. Some women are feminine, fun, free spirited, and flirtatious at any age. Also, femininity is something that many women grow into, and that is why some men searching for that may be attracted to older women.

Judging someone by age is really like judging someone by their skin color - it is what is on the inside that counts.

[39. Khalil said the following at 12:03 AM on Jan 31:]

39

I've experienced those age jokes too, when I was 20 my fiancee was 8; but as a 34 year old man engaged and about to be married to a 22 year old young lady, the age gap doesn't quite seem such as large.

In Lebanon this age gap isn't such a big deal too, so I feel culture has been a significant buffer for us as well as supportive family and friends.

April 7 is our wedding day...and we can barely wait!

[40. James said the following at 12:06 AM on Jan 31:]

40

I'm 32, am anticipating marrying a younger woman, I really don't have any specific range in mind. (honestly whoever would say yes) Mid-late 20's would seem best. Early 30's would have mean getting down to business pretty quickly, which I'm not opposed to either.

If children weren't a consideration I would say within a few years either way would be ideal.

[41. Anonymous E said the following at 1:51 AM on Jan 31:]

41

Well, I am currently dating a man ten years older than myself (he's 41, I'm 31), and while it took some adjusting for me initially, he is more compatible with me than any other man I've dated!

[42. Mike Theemling said the following at 5:02 AM on Jan 31:]

42

Maybe it's time for Boundless to publish this (in)famous article again.

The Cost of Delaying Marriage

[43. Jo said the following at 8:13 AM on Jan 31:]

43

Generally I guess my 'comfortable' age range is maybe 3 years younger to 5 years older - I wouldn't dismiss guys outside that bracket but I'd need time to get used to the idea.

I often find myself attracted to guys who are a bit younger, actually. I think it's partly because I look at least 5 years younger than I am, and therefore I'm more accustomed to younger guys being interested in me (because they think I'm younger than I am). Looking younger also means that I often feel a little creeped out when a guy who's more than a few years older than me expresses interest: it's fair enough if he's 40 and he knows I'm 29, but if I haven't told him my age, I'm going to assume he thinks I'm 22.

All that said, if I get to know a guy and I like him, I'm not going to be too bothered about his age. It's just that if a guy is outside of my 'peer group' I'll have less opportunities to get to know him without dating him. And I'm less likely to date a guy who's much older or younger if I don't know him a little first. Catch 22 I guess...

[44. Jeff said the following at 9:20 AM on Jan 31:]

44

Ah, the subject of age-gap relationships! A topic that will always stir up strong responses and various opinions. I love it!

Anyhow, I think that age-gap relationships are just fine if the love is genuine. These type of relationships have endured throughout the history of mankind. In recent times, the emergence of the “creep factor,” that would cause people look upon such relationships with scorn is largely influenced by a lot of attention being given to the idea of the “predator.” Obviously, nobody is advocating anything illegal and the two concepts should not be intermingled.

For two mature adults, an age gap of 3-5 years is not that significant. An age gap of 10-15 years is rather significant on the other hand. When I was 18, I found that I related well to women who were about 3-4 years older, but now at age 37, I would be open to dating a woman who is significantly younger than me. At this point in my life I will date a woman as young as 22. There are always a lot of factors to consider when thinking about marriage period. When you add in a significant age difference, then you add a little more.

I wish that more people would get a hold of some of these young women and convince them not to waste their lives through partying, chasing sugar daddies and all other nonsense. Sure it’s cool to have a great social life, but be wise with your life choices.

The great reformer Martin Luther and his wife Katherine were about 16-17 years apart.

[45. Kellie said the following at 10:40 AM on Jan 31:]

45

My husband is 5 years older than me. No problems with that, as we met at 23 and 28.

It is worth considering when dating (much) older men, though, that even though they may be capable of fathering children, women may want to consider if their potential husband is going to be able to an active and involved father (at least if you are of the mentality that the husband/father should be more than a paycheck).

[46. Jeff said the following at 1:30 PM on Jan 31:]

46

@kellie

What you mention, I have thought about often. As a male who is 37, I would want my future wife (provided she is much younger) to think things through considering our age difference. In fact both people involved should consider the impact it will have on the family as a whole.

I like sports and fitness and tend to naturally have more of a playful personality type, so I guess this can work to my advantage when the kids come along. With this being said, I don’t want to wait too much longer, but be able to enjoy children while I am relatively young.

[47. Mike Theemling said the following at 1:39 PM on Jan 31:]

47

Oh, and ladies, before you start saying how "unfair" it is to you because guys prefer younger women and that it has little to do with how people would fit personality-wise, let me say that women have their own version of the "age preference" except it's something else: Height.

How often do you see married couples where the guy is significantly shorter than the girl? And ladies, how attracted are you physically (no, really, be honest) to a man who is 6 inches shorter than you? Would you hesitate to go out with one if he asked you? And what does a guy's height have to do with compatibility? Do you see the similarity in supposed "shallowness"?

I'm simply saying that we all have preferences, and there's nothing wrong with them as long as we put them in the right perspective. But we need to be aware of them to and be realistic in terms of who we can attract and when.

[48. Kellie said the following at 2:52 PM on Jan 31:]

48

#47: Before I met my husband, I did meet a nice fellow who was somewhere between 3-4 feet tall, nothing ever came of it, but I certainly didn't dismiss him b/c of height.

As it is my husband is 5'8" (a good 6 inches taller than me, which is plenty).

[49. Ria said the following at 2:57 PM on Jan 31:]

49

At my college, a student got married to a professor. He was young as professors go, 38, but she was 22. When they were engaged, they had a little party and the bride invited several college friends--one blurted out, "Ok, who invited Grandpa?" without realizing he was the groom. lol!

It seems "unfair" to judge someone's age, but I think it's "unwise" to disregard it completely. As some members have pointed out, you'd have to be prepared for your spouse to age more quickly than you, and maybe be more of a grandparent to your children than an active and playful parent. In my own family a marriage with a significant age-difference had a sad outcome--my great-aunt installed her husband at a nursing home and then
left him for a younger man. :X

The height question is an interesting one. This might just be me, but I have a need to feel physically protected by my boyfriend. The feeling of being wrapped in arms and a chest broader and stronger than mine is so reassuring! This is actually something I am having to work through with my boyfriend. He is quite thin and about the same size as me, so sometimes I don't feel physically protected by him. Ah well, at least I'm in no danger of having to put up with a middle-aged beer-belly, haha!
My liking for musculature I don't think is terribly shallow, it's not just wanting a Ken doll with ripped abs, it's a woman's need to feel protected...

[50. Andy said the following at 4:57 PM on Jan 31:]

50

A large age gap is not the norm and offers many challenges, but it's not the beast it's made out to be by some people.

My parents are 17 years apart. As amazing as this may sound, they get along really well, they're both Christian and are happily married to this day after 27 years (true story).

I am not seeking to marry someone with a large age gap myself, nor am I advocating it for anybody else, since it's not the norm, but in my particular case, as a son, I've had a great experience. So here's to those of you nearing 40 or whatever age and thinking all hope is long lost: you have no idea what God can do. At all.

[51. Maggie (from Canada) said the following at 4:59 PM on Jan 31:]

51

My husband is pretty much the same height as me, and I'm 5'5"-and-a-half Well, he would probably say he's an inch taller, but that might be wishful thinking on his part :-) It's never been an issue. He does have a broad chest and shoulders though, so it's not as though he ever seems smaller than me.

In terms of protection, height not the best factor to use. I have an uncle who is 5'3" with a black belt in judo (and a concealed weapons licence). I'm fairly certain he could protect a woman much better than most men over 6'. In general though, when you get to know a man's character, you will know whether he would put you first and take care of your needs. I think a woman's need to feel protected is more about that than about the need for some guy who offers physical protection. My husband may not be buff or anything, but I know he would protect me at all costs if I were threatened.

To answer Mike's question: I never considered dating a man 6" shorter, but then I don't know many men that are under 5' tall.

[52. Keith said the following at 5:07 PM on Jan 31:]

52

People who think that short men can't defend themselves or fight obviously haven't watched wheel chair wrestling.

Watch and be wowed....

[53. Andy said the following at 5:11 PM on Jan 31:]

53

^ For the record, my father was 47 and my mother was 30 when they got married.

[54. Sarah D. said the following at 5:30 PM on Jan 31:]

54

I find this to be an interesting discussion, thanks everyone! I a woman who tends to be attracted to younger men I think this might be that everyone that I meet thinks I am much younger than I am (I am told I look between 19-22 and will be 31 in a few days)! But I don't feel that age makes that big of a difference to me, I tend to look at people's character first, then go from there. There is not a cookie cutter relationship out there, because God did not create cookie cutter people!

[55. SarahB said the following at 7:48 PM on Jan 31:]

55

@#47 I do not see the flip side to this question being addressed. How often do guys pursue girls that are taller than them? I am 5'7" and very few men who are shorter than me ever show interest. I think fewer men date older women and fewer men date taller women for the same reason - older and/or taller women are slightly more intimidating to pursue. But when a man steps forward and breaks those trends, we women take notice.

[56. Lindsay said the following at 9:21 PM on Jan 31:]

56

Age matters, but not much. My parents are 9 years apart and have had a wonderful married life. Strangely enough, the only place where their age difference has mattered was/is at church (since so many ministries are formed around age). My mom always moved up to attend groups for my dad's age range so that they could do them together. Let's just say that she's pretty darn young & cute for the Senior Adult Sunday School they are currently attending. :)

[57. BDB said the following at 9:21 PM on Jan 31:]

57

I suspect that appearance has a lot to do with how often people even approach each other.

A guy who is partly balding will probably be assumed to be in his 40's or older. If he shaves his head, well, maybe you will need to take cues from something else, like his truck...

I strongly suspect that some of women who aren't being approached look a lot younger than they are. A woman in jeans, a ministry t-shirt, a ponytail and an iPhone could be anywhere from 16-36 (and maybe more.) If you consider the "creep factor" mentioned in a few posts above, men who are trying to be respectful may be careful about approaching anyone they think is more than 10 years younger.

There are a few women I know who I originally thought were more than 15 years younger (about 20-22), but it turned out it was less than 10 years and they had graduate degrees. If they are hanging out with the 20-something college students, you may not realize they are in their 30's.

(Particularly if they don't put their high school or college graduation year on their facebook profile, right? I make sure those years are on my profile so that when 20-somethings from church friend me its fully disclosed.)

Anyway, I do think that education similarity can affect this a lot. It's quite possible to have great conversations with someone who shares a degree with you - even if they are 15 years younger. It provides a shared vocabulary that (in my opinion) is even more important than shared generational experiences. It's easier for an older guy to learn about the plot twists of Harry Potter than someone with no interest in finance to learn why net present value matters. When two people can function in the world of ideas together, it's going to be much more comfortable.

As far as why men might choose much younger women, consider that it might not be primarily about physical appearance. Consider the responsible example: the guy who was responsible in his 20's and rejected by peers who wanted to party in their 20's. He becomes successful, and in his 30's discovers that some much younger woman really respects the fact that he was responsible. That's very different than the divorced guy who wants to trade for a younger model.

Respect does matter to men. Watch TV sometime and count how many commercials you see where women are portrayed as the smart ones and men as idiots. That's American culture today.

Sometimes the age difference works precisely because you have a woman who DOES respect what someone brings to the table, and communicates that respect. The woman who communicates respect is going to get a lot more attention than the one who is being snarky and constantly disrespecting men in their comments. It may be easier for someone 10 years younger to not feel she has to compete in every single area and is therefore more willing to let him lead.

[58. R said the following at 11:30 PM on Jan 31:]

58

Mike Theemling: Don't be so quick to judge older brothers who choose to date younger women over older women purely for biology. It maybe a factor, but there is a whole other side. I know older guys who have tried to date women their own age (with an idea that younger women were also too young), but these older women were not interested. If younger women are interested what should an older guy do?? Take a pass?

[59. Dave In KC said the following at 7:31 AM on Feb 1:]

59

Short men can't provide physical protection for themselves or others?

Ahem, Bruce Lee was about 5'8". His weight varied, but usually was around about 145.

I'm 6'1", have done both wrestling & Bushidokan karate, & I would NOT challenge Bruce Lee to a fight. Unless I was just feeling suicidal that day or something.

[60. Dana said the following at 8:16 AM on Feb 1:]

60

My husband is 6 years younger than me. We started dating when he was 19 and I was 25. At first it was strange because, as friends, I viewed him like the brother I never had. I was attracted to him but never thought anything of it since he was so much younger. I honestly didn't think he would be interested in me. What happened was, I was able to be myself around him because I never thought about trying to impress him as a mate. He got to see the real me and fell in love. God started working on my heart and nudging me in my husband's direction. I prayed that if it was God's will that my husband would pursue me--he did. We dated for a year and got married nine months later. We've been married almost 4 years and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

[61. Sara said the following at 9:03 AM on Feb 1:]

61

That's basically the age gap between my husband and I (he's 11.5 years older than me- almost to the day) and we seem to be doing great. As many others have stated, age is not really that big a deal when the couple have mutual values, beliefs, goals- oh, and are crazy about each other!

I didn't intend to marry someone more than a decade older than me- and if you'd asked me at age 20 if that was in my future I woudl have said no- but then I met my husband and it just did not matter.

My parents are nine years apart and my husband's 10 years apart. It's not anything new. Yes, sometimes it is funny when a cultural reference comes up and I remember that my husband was in college and I was in elemetary school. But generally, I don't even think about our age difference.

Congratulations to your friends!

[62. Jessi said the following at 10:10 AM on Feb 1:]

62

I just turned 30, and my husband is 46. The age difference is pretty much a non-issue for us. We clicked so well from the very beginning that we barely thought about age. We have a great marriage. I thank God every day for him. :)

[63. Craig M. said the following at 11:46 AM on Feb 1:]

63

Not to pick at you, Dave, but don't you think that Bruce Lee, marial arts grand master and innovator, is a bit of an exception? On average, you don't think a larger man beats a smaller man? Then why, pray tell, do they bother with weight classes in boxing, wrestling, jiu jitsu and mixed martial arts? Could it be that a smaller man with skills is no match for a larger man with the same skills?

[64. Sarah P. said the following at 12:37 PM on Feb 1:]

64

Can Bruce Lee defeat a much taller opponent?? Hmm. This famous little fight should settle the answer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onGduNTYHTg

:D :D

But ya, the security aspect of height can be deceitful. As someone who practices and helps teach Tae Kwon Do 10-12 hours a week -- and who is getting serious with the sport of TKD sparring -- I know that you can't tell a man by what he looks like, but rather by what he can do.

The only reason most of the big guys who first start TKD sparring are dangerous is because they have heavy limbs that they can move with force. I am a 5'7" woman, and at this point those guys don't pose me much of a menace, since I can easily get out of the way. Some of my skinny fellow instructors/"brothers" who are about my height, however -- you can't touch 'em, and if they want to they have the power to knock over a heavy standing bag with a roundhouse kick.

Also, they have some of the most steadfast characters I know. I have seen, because we've gone through killer workouts you wouldn't imagine together. Do I feel safe around them? You betcha!

I would like to point out as well that Gracie jiu-jitsu was invented by a short guy to beat big guys. It is very practical.

[65. Craig M. said the following at 1:26 PM on Feb 1:]

65

TKD sparring is not a realistic approximation of a street fight.

[66. Celebok said the following at 1:44 PM on Feb 1:]

66

Those of you contributing to the height discussion, please keep in mind that height was only brought up by Mike (#47) to try to illustrate a point about people having superficial preferences, though I think his illustration pretty much backfired on him. I'm following this thread because I'm interested in people's opinions about age differences; I don't care to weed through a whole secondary discussion about height from people who don't even know why they're talking about it.

As for age differences, I think we pretty much established way early in this thread that large age gaps CAN work and that it's unwise to dismiss someone purely because of their age. At this point, I'm interested in any flip-side viewpoints, such as the issues of what happens when the couple gets old that a few people have mentioned.

Also, I think we do need to be careful about over-using the "age doesn't matter" card, particularly if you have a tendency to be attracted to a certain age group for emotionally or spiritually immature reasons.

[67. Sarah P. said the following at 2:38 PM on Feb 1:]

67

I for one was talking about height/security because I thought it was interesting. :D Several years ago, before I got back into TKD, I thought my future husband would have to weigh more than me and be taller than me. I don't think that any more.

Same with age. My mom used to tell me my future husband would have to be older than me so that he could "handle me." I've grown enough so that I know that's not true. I can choose to be "handle-able" by anyone. It is more of a wisdom matter what kind of person to entrust that to.

Perhaps it is just my personality as someone who looks into people and sees them shine with potential -- but I have been quite attracted to men who are several years younger in the past. Even more so as I hit my late 20s, and the men with most potential who are not yet married are in their early 20s. But then, wisdom is also teaching me that there is something to be said for men who have steadily worked on their potential and proven themselves for a little while. People who have grown into themselves. Heaven knows I myself am more fun -- and, dare I say, more attractive -- than I was in my early 20s. :D

[68. Dave In KC said the following at 3:08 PM on Feb 1:]

68

RE 64 Sarah P:

Your "famous little fight" was a choreographed movie scene, not an actual fight. And BTW, Kareem Abdul Jabbar was actually a student of Bruce Lee's style, Jeet Kune Do.

[69. Dave In KC said the following at 3:11 PM on Feb 1:]

69

RE 63 Craig M:

"Could it be that a smaller man with skills is no match for a larger man with the same skills?"

I can only speak from my personal experiences, but I can tell you I wrestled in high school, & studied Bushidokan karate in college. We had weight classes in wrestling, but there was no such thing in karate.

I worked for a bail bond company for a while, so I can say from practical experience that sparring (or wrestling) in a controlled enviornment doesn't necessarily have anything to do with a real fight. Yes, you might learn some slick moves & get lucky, especially if the other person isn't very well trained &/or doesn't have a firearm pointed at you. Plus, you look cool in front of the girls when you can smash a whole stack of pine boards or concrete blocks, even though breaking boards or blocks has little to nothing to do with real life.

When I worked for the bail bond company, myself & my partner carried small .32 revolvers concealed in an ankle holster. If we got in a fight with someone & ended up rolling around on the ground, we'd pull that out & shoot them in the gut, or whatever other convenient part of them we could reach, then shove them off. There's no way I'm gonna roll around on the ground with someone in a situation like that & take a chance of being beaten, stabbed, or shot myself, especially if he's got 5 friends coming to back him up. Also, in a actual fight, there are no "rules" about groins, gouging eyeballs, choke holds, using any impromptu "weapon" you can find, or anything else that would be illegal in many sparring/grappling/wrestling matches. And before somebody points out that MMA matches use so-called "sleeper holds," that's not the kind of choke hold I'm referring to. I'm referring to cutting off someone's windpipe until they are no longer moving. If we really thought the person we were after was armed or extremely dangerous, we'd probably approach him with a .45 or a 12 guage shotgun loaded with 00 buckshot pointed at him.

About all I can tell you is that my size/height has given me a "psychological" advantage from time to time, as some people just choose to back down when faced with someone larger or more physically imposing than they are, but in practical application, the person who's armed, more aggressive, or just plain meaner often has the real advantage.

[70. Sarah P. said the following at 3:27 PM on Feb 1:]

70

Re: the Bruce Lee fight. Yes, of course I realize that was a choreographed movie fight. But thank you for pointing that out for everyone who didn't know I was interjecting some humor.

[71. Karin said the following at 3:43 PM on Feb 1:]

71

@Celebok (#66)

Like I said at the top, my Oma and Opa worked well with a 10-year age gap, but I will add that when they got older there was a significant difference between what both could physically accomplish. He declined pretty rapidly in his late sixties/early seventies while she was still interested in physical activities like swimming, walking and hiking. Those were things they always liked to do together, so it was a little sad.

As you point out, though, it's important to examine the reasons why you want to pursue a relationship where there is a big gap (or why you want to pursue any relationship!). I don't think looking for a father/mother figure is particularly healthy, and looking for someone younger to prolong your youth isn't really either (I'm NOT saying that relationships with a hefty age gap are always based on this, btw). I suppose a young women could get a kick out of dating an older guy if it makes her feel mature and/or accomplished, but I wouldn't say that's normative for adult women as a whole.

It's an interesting discussion, for sure.

[72. MicahT said the following at 3:53 PM on Feb 1:]

72

I was also going to suggest a 12 gauge shotgun in answer to Denise's question.

[73. Craig M. said the following at 3:56 PM on Feb 1:]

73

Dave - no disagreement from me. Just saying that MMA is the closest an organized, fair fight can come to a street fight; much closer than points sparring in karate or TKD. And in MMA, they have weight classes, because it's obvious that a skilled heavyweight would destroy a skilled lightweight. Of course, weapons and multiple fighters changes that.

[74. Lee said the following at 4:52 PM on Feb 1:]

74

On the height question: don't discount "short man syndrome," i.e., when a short man has heard that women don't like short men, decided that no women like him precisely because he's short, and doesn't consider the fact that women don't like him because he's a self-unaware overcompensating obnoxious boor.

On the other hand, I know some short ladies' men. Yeah, they know they're short...but they don't let it bother them, and it turns out that it doesn't really bother the women either.

(I'm slightly taller than average. I once dated--briefly--a man that was slightly shorter than me. I never even noticed his height until he talked about it when we were breaking up, and the fact that I was taller than him "really, really bothered him." Considering we were both well into our twenties at the time, he wasn't likely to grow any taller, and I'm not sure what he expected me to do...shrink?)

[75. Jeff said the following at 3:52 AM on Feb 2:]

75

The reality is that a person’s ability to protect another is not always contingent upon size. I know of some small guys that are great fighters and in fact, there are certain techniques that actually favor smaller people.

It seems as though the point that I want to make has already been driven home by many other posters. With this in mind, my message to the ladies is to give some of my “smaller” brothers a chance. Many of them a great guys and can be very protective.

A discussion about martial arts and other fighting disciplines is always fascinating and can be an engaging topic in and of itself.

On the issue of age differences, younger woman older man makes a lot of sense both biologically and historically (please note that I am not discounting valid relationships that have the reverse scenario). Take a man and a woman both 18 years of age, she is desired for her youth and fertility while the guy her same age is valued for his ability to provide. The problem this presents is that the woman has a head start in this area whereas it will take a few (and in many cases ‘several’) years for him to reach a point where he can provide for a wife and family. The 18 year old man loses ground to a man between 22-25. Fast forward several years later and the same man that “lost out” at 18 is now the 25 year old dating someone between 18-20. Being young and fertile takes no extraordinary effort, but “going to prepare a place” for a future bride takes a significant amount of time.

Yes, women provide more than just babies and men more than material possessions.

[76. Loris said the following at 8:03 AM on Feb 2:]

76

Hmm, no significant age gaps in my family. Everyone, including extended family, is within three years of their spouse. I fit that as well, but I am two years older than my husband. There was a maturity difference at first, but after he hit 25, he closed the gap pretty quickly.

One couple I know of has a nearly 15 year age gap. It has always seemed icky to me. The man was just hovering around the youth group waiting for the girl to turn 18 so he could ask her out. There was a shortage of late teens, early 20s boys in this church, and nobody told this (immature, strange) man to go to a different church with women closer to his own age. The girl also had a domineering father who pushed her into this courtship. They married around the girl's 19th birthday and she got pregnant immediately and became a SAHM. Reports keep coming back that the man cannot talk to her about anything because she has so little experience, and that all she does is tend her (now 2) children, shop, and pester him to take her on vacation. I'm wondering why this man wanted a wife who is more of a daughter than a partner. Granted, she's thin and pretty, but she was a kid, and shows every indication of staying a kid.

[77. Em in WY said the following at 12:51 PM on Feb 2:]

77

On age difference:
My great grandma was 12 years older than my great grandpa. They were married around 25 years or so & they had a great marriage. Guess who died first? Great Grandpa, who was the younger. Great Grandma followed just about 6 months later.

[78. Lost in the World said the following at 1:05 PM on Feb 2:]

78

Craig M. @ 73 said:
"MMA is the closest an organized, fair fight can come to a street fight. . ."

Putting "organized", "fair", and "street fight" in the same sentence is like calling the Mojave the wettest desert on earth. They have weight classes because they have imposed artificial rules on a sterile confrontation where a combatant can tap the mat and everyone walks away.

By contrast, my father grew up in a large Mexican family in a rural setting. The entire thing was soaked in Mexican "machismo" and though they've all calmed down and have families, they remain unnaturally proud of their ability to win a fight. And to a man, they all agree that I should never get in front of Uncle H____ when he's mad. Apparently, in his wild child days, Uncle H____ used a tire iron, a glass bottle, and pure concussing willpower to beat both numerically and physically superior foes.

Bottom line:
The Will to Power beats physical strength, (as mentioned by Dave in KC @ 69) Gun beats Will to Power, and Money. . .well, Money beats both.

In Law School, I was taking a class from the School's Dean when he used a story to illustrate a point. One day he gets a call from a local psychiatrist saying that a law student is deeply disturbed and has been making "credible threats" against the Dean as his perceived tormentor and the police can't find him. Have a nice day.

The University makes the Dean hire a bodyguard out of the law school budget. So, the ex-marine with a concealed carry permit ends up in his office explaining that if the "undesirable" ends up in the Dean's office he's to hide under his desk while the bodyguard "neutralizes the threat". To which the Dean replied, "For the money we're paying you, I expect you to hold him here while I run to the teacher's lounge and make a bag of popcorn."

Ria @ 49 said:

"My liking for musculature I don't think is terribly shallow. . ."

A purely physical characteristic, largely outside of a person’s control, completely unrelated to whether a man will be a good Father or Husband and which touches in no way upon reality since Mongols brought black powder from China to Europe in 1241 AD, or for that matter, from 12 BC when a young, bookish man named Gaius Octavius Thurinus used his Uncle/adopted Father's name and a boat load of money to conquer his world, *isn't* shallow.

*Slow Blink*

In an. . .unrelated. . .topic, "This is actually something I am having to work through with my boyfriend," gets the L.I.T.W. stamp of approval/Blue Ribbon Award for best way to deal with this topic.

Finally, Lee @ 74, being one of above average height I shared your skepticism when my brother who is an attorney, and proud owner of six pack abs, but is six inches shorter than average height in the US said he was being turned down because of his stature. Then I read virtually any thread on this forum that addresses this issue and talked to otherwise Godly woman about this IRL. Now, I mostly curl up into a ball in the corner and mourn the death of cherished illusions about Christian women when it gets mentioned.

[79. Stephanie said the following at 1:12 PM on Feb 2:]

79

Em #77. I am curious - how old were they when they got married to each other?

[80. Ria said the following at 2:23 PM on Feb 2:]

80

Whups, my reply generated a few interesting responses!

Lost in the world, I'm fully aware my boyfriend's physical build has little to do with his ability to become a husband and father. To think otherwise would be shallow and extremely rude and unfair to him.
All I wanted to explain was, for some people "shallowness" might be unconscious and tied to psychological needs, not just women making a list "He has to have this many abs!!1! And be this much older but never younger than me!!!!!" and then crossing men off who don't make the cut (though I'm sure women exist who do that:P)

Obviously, it didn't stop me from dating my boyfriend, loving him, and now considering marriage to him^^ So don't worry, if my little selfishnesses are shallow, at least my behavior isn't.:p

Back to the age discussion, it would seem the conclusion is age doesn't matter when it comes to making good partners or falling in love, but it might in later years when the couple ages at a different pace. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak...

[81. Karen said the following at 7:45 PM on Feb 2:]

81

With the exception of my best friend, all my college girlfriends and I have married men younger than us. My husband is almost a year younger (which is nothing really) but some of their husbands are 7-8 years younger. I think it's an interesting trend.

[82. Craig M. said the following at 10:43 PM on Feb 2:]

82

#78 - Wow, Caesar! You are so historically learned! And you sure showed Ria how shallow she is for liking muscular men. Both wise and so so righteous -- what a catch.

[83. Amir Larijani said the following at 6:05 AM on Feb 3:]

83

I've got 14 years on MrsLarijani. So far, that age gap has been a non-issue.

[84. Em in WY said the following at 10:09 AM on Feb 3:]

84

#79 - Stephanie,
I think (don't have exact ages) that Great Grandpa was in his late 40s or even 50s when he married Great Grandma. She was his second wife.
Em

[85. Kelly-1 said the following at 11:21 AM on Feb 3:]

85

"Bruce Lee was about 5'8". His weight varied, but usually was around about 145."

Just sharing a different perspective, but to me, that's not a small guy! ;)

[86. Anonymous said the following at 12:33 PM on Feb 3:]

86

If a younger man has shown attraction to an older woman but he's never verbalized it, is there anything the woman can do to encourage him to pursue her? (Without directly stating her interest)

[87. Lost In the World said the following at 3:03 PM on Feb 3:]

87

Ria @ 80:
"All I wanted to explain was, for some people "shallowness" might be unconscious and tied to psychological needs, not just women making a list "He has to have this many abs!!1! And be this much older but never younger than me!!!!!" and then crossing men off who don't make the cut (though I'm sure women exist who do that. . ."

One of the reasons I chose to respond to your post was that you seemed to have a good head on your shoulders on this issue. :-) I do think you are letting our sisters off easy, however. It has landed on lists, as a cursory examination of any of the previous posts on this topic will confirm. I do not doubt that the urge for height is an unconscious reaction, but is a reaction from the cave girl portion of a woman's brain. By putting in the work of confronting the impulse, we move it from the unconscious to the conscious brain and we move past it (as you have, so wisely, done. Kudos, Chica!)

Craig M. @ 82 said:
"Wow, Caesar! You are so historically learned! And you sure showed Ria how shallow she is for liking muscular men. Both wise and so so righteous -- what a catch. "

Thank you! In a debate, the last thing one wants is to make an argument so weak that it is easily crushed. As a result, I put in some thought into both sourcing and rhetorical style (I find leaving just enough mystery in a reference to force a Google or wiki search is an awesome way to challenge conventional thinking). The fact that you (half) got my reference to (Augustus, as opposed to the more famous Julius or equally famous Caligula or Nero) Caesar was gratifying indeed!

And, "so so righteous"? You flatter me, sir! Given that we're all trying to live lives patterned after Jesus, to be recognized for my efforts is an honor. To have the added, "so" indicating an unexpected level of righteousness is more, a high honor! I will say, however, that second "so" may have been gilding the lilly, just a bit, given my current state of imperfect sanctification. Then again, who am I to argue with Craig M.?

[88. Craig M. said the following at 4:16 PM on Feb 3:]

88

Lost - You said "Gaius Octavius Thurinus." That's Augustus, not Julius or Nero.

I find your condescension towards normal human attraction, and towards the people who give it its reasonable due, off-putting and baseless. The claim to "rise above" such things is the claim of the radical ascetic. I don't think your knowledge of scrap bits of history adds a thing to the conversation, or turns condescension into wisdom. It's the equivalent of name-dropping.

[89. Catherine said the following at 6:02 PM on Feb 3:]

89

There was actually a study done on this that you could probably find with Google. From what I remember, women who were married to men who were > 6 years younger than them had a significantly higher divorce rate. Men who married women >5 years younger than them had a lower divorce rate than average IF the woman was as intelligent or more intelligent than the man. There was also some limit to the age difference beyond which there was a higher divorce rate but i can't remember it.

I have thought a lot about this study and the possible explanations- all of which are just theories. As a woman, I have enjoyed my relationships with older men (one 9 years older, one 5 years older) much more. They are father along in their careers, more established, more mature and can be great mentors and friends for a woman with intelligence and ambition. I respect them more and probably find them easier to place in the role of a leader because of the age difference. they also respect me but don't find me intimidating because i am so much younger.

That being said, you have to be wary of men who prefer younger women because women their own age won't date them- they are either too immature or prefer a woman who is just a prop or a placeholder with fertile eggs. They often want a submissive spouse who won't challenge them (especially their immaturity) or have a life of her own. I think that is why the intelligence factor is linked- the bad type of older man often prefers a less intelligent, younger spouse and this type of union often ends in divorce because there is a lack of respect at the heart of the marriage. Same goes for older women, be wary of a man who likes being in the submissive role by dating an older women and enjoys the benefits (money, stability, etc.) of dating a more mature person without working for those things himself. It's an unhealthy dynamic.

[90. Ria said the following at 7:34 PM on Feb 3:]

90

"One of the reasons I chose to respond to your post was that you seemed to have a good head on your shoulders on this issue. :-)"

Well I'm glad, but frankly between you and Craig M I nearly felt insulted rather than supported for a minute there. :/

"Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD sees the heart"
...is the human condition><

All that needs to happen is for something about you to tip the scales, something that lands you on her radar and adjusts the first impression she made of you. In my case my guy made me a French pastry from scratch. No joke! (Now don't go saying that's shallow. It was a VERY good pastry)
If nothing happens, and she's had a chance to see many facets of yourself, she's probably just not that into you and it wasn't meant to be.

I agree that sometimes first impressions and laundry lists can become hardened into...Pride and Prejudice, but I wouldn't be too hasty to assume "not attracted" is a sinful attitude.

[91. Lost in the World said the following at 8:47 PM on Feb 3:]

91

Craig M. @ 88 said:
"I find your condescension towards normal human attraction, and towards the people who give it its reasonable due, off-putting and baseless."

Wait, what? I never said that. Or anything even remotely like that. Is that why you've been so sour all day? I thought your reaction was odd given the subject. For the record, I am a fan having physical things to which you attracted.

Boy howdy.

I've got my things. I'm assuming everybody has theirs. Good for them. Good for us.

The question was whether short men are or are not more capable of protecting women. That was the question up for debate. Had stature been stated as a physical preference, I wouldn't have said anything, cause I am a fan of people having physical features which they like. I think appreciating God's beautiful creations is fine. The physical debate does not interest me. I will express no real opinion aside from saying it's a personal preference as to how long your willing to wait. More strict standards will require a longer wait. You want to wait? Cool. You don't want to wait? Also, cool. None of my business either way.

My debate was whether shorter men can defend a woman. The answer to that is yes. If a shorter guy is willing to use weapons, fight dirty, and/or take more punishment then the other guy can he will win the fight. He can also use money to pay people to fight for him like the Caesars did (In comment 78 you said "Caesar" like there was only one. What I pointed out in my last comment was that there are at least 4 famous historical figures to whom you could have been referring. It was pedantic on my part, and for that-and that alone-I must ask your forgiveness. Not that it excuses it, but the explanation is I commented angry. I shouldn't have. I apologize.). The position that a tall person is more capable of protecting a woman is an intellectually indefensible position, and thus is shallow thinking.

[92. MicahT said the following at 9:47 PM on Feb 3:]

92

All this talk of men fighting and no one suggests the woman getting a few kicks in to help her man out?

[93. BDB said the following at 11:48 PM on Feb 3:]

93

Why is this about stature again? I thought this was about being old. So, the rule of thumb to remember about the proection racket is:

Old age and treachery can overcome youth and skill...

[94. Amir Larijani said the following at 6:21 AM on Feb 4:]

94

My debate was whether shorter men can defend a woman. The answer to that is yes. If a shorter guy is willing to use weapons, fight dirty, and/or take more punishment then the other guy can he will win the fight. He can also use money to pay people to fight for him like the Caesars did

Don't underestimate what shorter guys can do. As one of those shorter guys,

I'm very physically fit, I carry a firearm and know how to use it (used to shoot competitively), and also have a variety of instruments that I know how to use.

MrsLarijani has no worries.

[95. Jeff said the following at 11:02 AM on Feb 4:]

95

Size and the lack thereof are both overrated. I would be on the "bigger" end of the spectrum, standing about 6'2" (depending upon whether I have my afro or not) and weighing around a fit 230 lbs.

Truth be told, in sparring situations I prefer going against taller ppl as opposed to shorter ones. I have long legs relative to my height, so I have a high center of gravity compared to a lot of ppl.

[96. Sarah P. said the following at 7:07 PM on Feb 4:]

96

MicahT (#92) said: All this talk of men fighting and no one suggests the woman getting a few kicks in to help her man out?

Ha! Ya know, I can pretty much take care of myself, but it's still pretty nice knowing when someone has my back. And if someone is my good friend, I got his/her back too. I hope that's how it will be with my husband one day.

[97. Anstice said the following at 7:47 AM on Feb 5:]

97

Do you know, it has never once occurred to me that my husband should be able to protect me physically? It's just not an issue for me. Frankly, I'd rather he didn't get violent whatever happened. Even if I were raped, I'd rather he left it to the law than tried to 'defend my honour.'

And the carrying of weapons doesn't really happen in England, unless you're in a gang, which I certainly hope my husband wouldn't be. The only other people who have 'weapons' are those who hunt/shoot for sport, and when they're not actually out shooting, their guns have to be locked up in a secure place to which only license-holders know the whereabouts of the key...

[98. Mike Theemling said the following at 9:00 AM on Feb 5:]

98

Maybe I should've never brought up the height preference for ladies; we seem to have rabbit-trailed into MMA fighting, firearm ownership, and six pack abs.

Entertaining nonethelss.

[99. Keith said the following at 7:15 PM on Feb 5:]

99

With all this talk about short men fighting, has anyone remembered that Jesus said that those who live by the sword will die by it also?

Getting back to topic, for #86, I would say you need to be vulnerable enough to make the guy feel comfortable pursuing you. He needs to feel safe around you. If he really loves you, he will do anything to get you, but you also need to take a first step by affirming him to feel safe.

[100. Jeff said the following at 9:16 PM on Feb 5:]

100

I would encourage all people to have some means of being able to protect themselves be that martial art training or knowledge of handling a weapon. As somebody who can't stand radical feminism, I still do encourage women to be especially vigilant in protecting themselves.

With this in mind, I think there is a stance that a woman takes in allowing her man to show himself strong in her life.

[1. Sarah said the following at 10:30 AM on Jan 30:]

1

My parents married outside their age range, and it seems to have worked. But they also married when they were over 35, so maybe it was easier because they were already older. But my pastor also married a woman 10 years younger than him while she was still college-aged, and they have a great marriage.

[2. Hallie said the following at 10:34 AM on Jan 30:]

2

Great post. My parents are 13 years apart, so I never thought age gaps were strange. My exception is when the younger person is still in their teens (18 and 30 sounds a lot creepier than 27 and 39).

Given the vast differences between my parents (age, culture, and ethnicity) I've grown up with a very open mind regarding my future spouse. Sure, I have some preferences, but in the end I know that God's plan is always the best one. I don't know the age of my future spouse, but when he comes along, I'll trust that God knows what He's doing. ;)

[3. Jacob said the following at 10:39 AM on Jan 30:]

3

The knife cuts both ways, from what I have seen.

One person I know married a man over ten years older than her. On paper, marrying an older man sounded like a good idea in that it might help her to mature. Unfortunately, there was a reason why he was still "available." He himself was immature and their marriage ended not much more than a year after it began.

On the other hand, there is a wonderful couple at my church who exhibit the same age difference and they are great together and have a very solid marriage that is an example to my wife and I (who are only 1.5 years in to married life).

The moral of the story is that it's not the age of the person, but the maturity of the person that counts. I've met some very mature 19 and 20 year olds and some very immature 40 year olds. Yet, the fickleness of the human heart renders it too blind to realize the extent of someone's maturity (or lack thereof), which all the more reinforces the need to hear (and heed) wise, godly counsel.

[4. Karin said the following at 10:56 AM on Jan 30:]

4

Well, I know it was a different time, but my grandparents were 10 years apart (Opa was older than Oma) and the only major complications occurred when they were elderly. On the flip side, my mom is a little older than my dad, but their maturity levels were about the same when they met. I think the difference tends to matter less once you're an adult because what stage of life you're in makes more of a difference than a number.

[5. aaron chinn said the following at 11:05 AM on Jan 30:]

5

I was at a wedding earlier this month with a similar age gap to the one you described. The more I encounter couples like this that fit together perfectly, the less I think about it. My friends and I joke about standard creepiness, but it's just that. My only concern is that I worry about making young ladies uncomfortable by asking them out if they're close to the threshold.

[6. Craig M. said the following at 11:17 AM on Jan 30:]

6

A ten year gap is nothing if the man is older, and attractive.

[7. Aiene said the following at 11:19 AM on Jan 30:]

7

I remember my teacher telling me the story of his relationship with his wife. He mentioned how odd it was to look at the fact that when he was 15 his wife was 3! If you look at it that way, it’s weird, but if you didn't meet the person until much later, then it’s no big deal. I think more people would marry, if they were more open to marrying someone older or younger than they are. The pastor's daughter at my church married at age 29 to a 23 year old man. He was young but, he was very mature and had to go through her parents so they knew he was living his life to a certain standard. Had she counted him out simply because of his age, she would not be married now. I try not to count people out due to age, since I'm not that old myself. I wouldn't mind dating someone years older or a few years younger but they really have to prove themselves if they are younger.

[8. Caroline said the following at 11:24 AM on Jan 30:]

8

My fiance is 10 years old than I am (he's 33; I'm 23). After my initial surprise at his age (he does seem younger, more like mid-twenties), it hasn't presented any issues. We can laugh about the difference in our childhoods and we are well-matched. I prefer that he's older since so many men are not all that mature at my age. I would rather be involved with someone mature who isn't stuck in a college mindset.

[9. Julie said the following at 11:31 AM on Jan 30:]

9

I am dating a man who is 10 years younger then me, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. We talked about our age difference at first, but now we hardly ever bring it up because it simply doesn't matter. I think about all that I would be missing if I would have stuck to what I thought was an acceptable age difference (no more then 4 years older or younger). We figure that when Jesus was on earth, He worked outside of societal norms, and we are just modeling that :) Either way, this much younger man is a better fit for me then any guy my age ever was. And I thank God daily for him being exactly who he is, age included.

[10. Julie said the following at 11:33 AM on Jan 30:]

10

I think it's definitely limiting to have a preconceived idea of appropriate age gaps. It's hard enough to find someone even if you are not inflexible in this area. I don't know if I'd want someone 20 years older than me, but certainly up up to 12 years older or 6 years younger would likely work, depending. Practically speaking, the older men-younger woman pairing can work well, because he's probably more established in life, and yet she's still got good fertility. Also, from what I've seen, many men don't feel ready to marry until their 30s, which can make life difficult for woman who want to marry someone their own age.

[11. RCC said the following at 11:37 AM on Jan 30:]

11

The thing I think is funny is that most people are ok with the woman being younger but I get the feeling that if were the other way around and the man was the significantly younger one people would think the badly of the woman.

[12. Tim said the following at 12:04 PM on Jan 30:]

12

I have a cousin who was 24 when she married her husband, who was 40, divorced with five year old twins. They are not even Christians, but they have a great marriage (this summer will be #40).

At my last church, there was a dear old lady who, when she married many years ago, was 16 and her husband was 32. Man, that wouldn't go over nowadays. :)

[13. Ashley (the original flavor) said the following at 12:14 PM on Jan 30:]

13

Jacob @ #3 is right on the money. My boyfriend is 30, I'm 26 -- four years is nothing, really, but we are just... so compatible. Thought process wise, position in life wise, things just work.

Juxtapose that with the 25 year old I dated when I was 24. We weren't at all in the same place in life and it was just a huge confusing mess.

It is so much less to do with your chronological age and so much more to do with how you each approach life as a whole and where you are, personally, in your walk with God and in the world around you.

[14. elena said the following at 12:15 PM on Jan 30:]

14

I'd agree that age differences shouldn't be a make or break deal. However their significance will almost certainly be felt more once the couple becomes elderly. A seventy year old woman will likely still be very active and engaged with outside life. An eighty year old man, on the other hand, usually faces a much more pronounced slowing down. Also, a woman who marries a man much older than herself will most likely be a widow for a significant portion of her life. My guess is most people consider their loved one worth it, even knowing these outcomes. But we should be aware of what we're getting into.

[15. Lindsay said the following at 12:53 PM on Jan 30:]

15

My parents were 33 and 21 also when they got married. A nearly 12 year age difference didn't stop them from having a good marriage.

Maybe partly because of my parents' story, I dated and married a man nearly 16 years older than I. We've been married a year and a half and have a new baby...and we have yet to have an argument. We talk about everything and are best friends and we almost always see things the same way. It does help that my husband, at 42, looks much younger and has stayed fit. Also, I appreciate his wisdom and maturity. He appreciates my input as well and values my insight. He has more life experience than I have, but I've always been mature for my age and we don't have any problems in relating to each other. In fact, it's almost freaky the way we see eye to eye on everything. We really make a good team. I do realize that it's likely that I'll be a widow at a younger age than some women, but, then again, considering how fit he is, my husband may well outlive me. There are always accidents that can happen so there's no telling who will live longer. In short, we aren't guaranteed any amount of years. Even if I knew for sure I would be a young widow, the time we spend together will be more than worth it. I can't imagine having it any other way.

[16. mlissag1 said the following at 1:16 PM on Jan 30:]

16

I think it might be daunting for a 25 year old man to marry a 35 year old woman. If he pursues marriage it would definitely be "GO TIME" on the baby front right away. A 35 year old man would more likely be ready for that, emotionally and financially.

I had a Christian man in his forties say to me the other day that he was looking forward to having kids one day. I am married so this had nothing to do with me. He said he was looking to marry younger. Part of me was really annoyed because I thought if he waited so long to marry he should look for a woman in his age range. I knew awesome Christian woman in his age range. It was annoying that he had the luxury of looking for someone younger and not worrying about fertility issues. Flip the situation and the woman in her forties might have trouble conceiving or have to look at other options.

[17. MicahT said the following at 1:41 PM on Jan 30:]

17

16. mlissag1

Your friends were in their twenties once too, weren't they?

It's odd to be annoyed that someone you know is still healthy enough to have kids.

[18. Mike Theemling said the following at 1:45 PM on Jan 30:]

18

Worldwide, not just in the Western world, the average age difference for married couples is about 3-4 years where the male is senior.

Also, do a straw poll of every married couple that you know. How many of them is the woman significantly older than the man (I define "significantly older" as 3+ years). I daresay less than 5%. But I'd bet you'll find plenty where the man is not only older, but significantly older; even 7+ years older. Doesn't matter if you are a Christian or not.

This shouldn't be too much of a mystery if we stop thinking PC. The reason why men prefer younger women is largely due to sex appeal, fertility, and our attraction towards youth in general. If given the choice all things being equal (appearance, education, personality, etc), a 35 year old man is given the choice of marrying a 35 year old woman or a 25 year old, guess which one he will pick? It has almost nothing to do with "spiritual maturity" or any other red herring excuses. It's just about biology and how men are wired.

Why is it that successful businessmen in their 50's don't marry successful women in their 50's, but rather women 20 years their junior?

Here's what this means in terms of dating. If you're a woman who is 30 years old, your pool of "eligible men" who would probably be interested in you are those who are about your age or older. But remember, most guys who are 30 years old would rather date those who are 25 in general.

Plus there's the issue of fertility. A woman's fertility starts to decline in her early 30's and starts rapidly going downhill from there. Obviously, there are exceptions and some women have no problem conceiving multiple times even in their 40's, but one should not play to the exception if at all possible.

I'm not saying there is anything "wrong" with an younger man and an older women. But that simply we need to be cognizant of the realities of peoples' preferences.

[19. JRS said the following at 2:03 PM on Jan 30:]

19

I agree with elena (@14). While we never know what Providence has for us, and every day that we do have is another gift, I am glad that my husband is only two years older than I am given normal aging and life expectancy patterns.

[20. Becky said the following at 2:16 PM on Jan 30:]

20

I struggled with this for a bit when I became interested in a man who is 6 years younger than me. I told myself I wasn't interested because of the age, but when I looked at the available men at my church that were around my age, he outshone all of them,

It's going to be different for everyone, but none of the men my age are where they should be spiritually and I certainly couldn't see them leading a home. However, this young man that came across my radar is passionate for the Lord and is proactive about becoming the man God wants him to be. We connect so well and I can see myself being able to follow his direction because I trust that he has put his faith in what God wants.

I think it's incredibly naive to think that if someone is outside of a few years of your own age that you shouldn't consider them for marriage. That's just as narrow-minded as saying if he doesn't have brown hair or drive a certain car or like chocolate then you shouldn't marry him.

[21. Maggie (from Canada) said the following at 2:20 PM on Jan 30:]

21

My husband and I are over 8 years apart, and we haven't really had any age-related issues. We married 3 months ago at 31 and 39. I know with some people you can tell that there are issues with maturity that keep them single into their 30s and later, but in my husband's case, it was simply opportunity. He spent most of the last 2 decades pursuing his goal of being a doctor and has a very rare specialization. Contrary to what you see on Grey's Anatomy, that didn't leave much time for finding love!

Honestly, I have thought about the fact that our age difference will likely mean that I will be widowed, but I would much rather have these years together than wait for someone my own age (while my own fertility diminishes). Plus, both of my grandmothers lived into their mid-90s, so it seemed likely that even if I married a man my own age, I'd outlive him.

[22. Dave In KC said the following at 2:47 PM on Jan 30:]

22

If I remember correctly, this topic has already been discussed in Episode 74 of the podcast, as well as here:  http://www.boundlessline.org/2007/01/age_differences.html
 
Suzanne Hadley Gosselin & Ted Slater have both discussed the age differences in their personal marriages on more than one occasion.
 
Speaking from my own personal experiences, I've dated women on both sides of the age-gap.  (19 years older than me & 15 years younger.)  My grandfather was 20 years older than my grandmother, & my mother a year & half older than my father.  My grandfather passed away before I was born, but from what I've heard through family they had a great marriage.  When I was in my early-to-mid 20's, I didn't date anyone much younger than me for obvious reasons, but now that I'm in my late 30's I don't think a 10-15 year age gap one way or the other makes much difference.  Although I can say from experience that once you approach the 20 year difference, there tends to be a rather obvious generation gap.  My current gf is 7 years younger, & we never really think about the age difference unless someone specifically brings it up.  I can also say from my personal experiences that the so-called "maturity gap" tends to disappear sometime in the mid-20's.  That is, if I were 30 & dating someone who was 20, the maturity gap was definitely more noticeable than if I were 35 & the woman 25.

[23. Cathy in NOLA said the following at 3:02 PM on Jan 30:]

23

My husband and I met when I was 17 and he was 24. He got a lot of flak from his friends for 'robbing the cradle.' But the truth was that I was pretty mature for my age. I never struggled with the massive immaturity of my peers and he had already had his wild stage. When I met him he was nearly finished college and determined to do well in his career. He proposed when I was 19 and married when I was 20. We've been married for 16 years now and have 5 kids. It's wonderful! I absolutely agree that you need to be mature enough to not only grasp the principles of godly marriage but also to *embrace* them.

[24. Kelly-1 said the following at 3:50 PM on Jan 30:]

24

Dave In KC - I applaud you for dating a woman 19 years older than you. THANK YOU.

18. Mike Theemling said:

"a 35 year old man is given the choice of marrying a 35 year old woman or a 25 year old, guess which one he will pick?"

So is this why I have never, ever dated a man in his 30's?

It's crazy. In the last year alone, I've spent time with/dated men who are:

6 years younger, 7 years younger, 4 years younger (woo-hoo, getting closer!) and 13 years younger (and he was actually my favourite of the bunch). Now I've gone the reverse direction and am getting to know a man 10 years older.

It's actually been a refreshing change, spending time with an older man because (like me) he wants marriage and kids NOW. Mr-13-years-younger didn't want that for, well, another 13 years. :p

At the same time, I'm conscious that I'm attempting to "steal" a 40-something man from the single women in their 40's. But as I said before, I've never, ever dated a man in his 30's. Go figure.

[25. Elle said the following at 5:12 PM on Jan 30:]

25

I think the issue of age in relationships all comes down to the two individuals in question (obviously with the proviso that they are both of a legal age). It's impossible to generalise on such an issue, and making up rules for who you can and can't see based on the year in which they were born is not really helping anyone to have better relationships.

[26. Taylre said the following at 5:37 PM on Jan 30:]

26

My parents are 30 years apart in age. My mom had me when she was 39 and my dad was 69. It caused unique problems in my childhood because not only has my dad not been able to always throw the ball in the yard with me, but he had trouble attending my activities too, and he's been altogether outside the culture of my mom and I, with cell phones and internet and fast-paced life. We have problems attending the same church, or even the same church service. Now that my dad is retired and my mom is still working, it puts a lot of stress on her to take care of him and it causes a lot of discord in the family because he is depressed that she is not retired with him, and he worries that we hate him because we always go off and leave him at home, but truly we just don't have the same interests anymore. He's interested in country music and TV and home-cooking and down-home churches and going on long drives, and my mom and I are interested in more modern music and healthy choices and reading and contemporary churches. What is okay for us, is not always okay with him (like me having a long standing boyfriend). Also his mind is going and he has trouble comprehending everything we do, so he's always behind and he thinks we conspire to do things without him knowing, when really he just forgot or it's a new development even for us. We still love and respect him, so, so, much, but it's really screwed up the later part of my mom's marriage and my home life and my dad's retirement because my mom has had to take the dominant position in the family and I've always had a dad that was more like a grandpa and my dad never got to settle down properly. So, in other words, age does matter. My mom says that now that she has me she would never do it over again, but she strongly supports not marrying someone over ten years older than you.

[27. Katherine said the following at 5:47 PM on Jan 30:]

27

I dated some 22 when I was 21. It didn't last because he was very immature for his age and I'm very mature for my age; he acted like he was 15. I know that everyone's different but I'm hoping to date someone older next time, up to 7 years older. I'm open to possibilities though if the guy is mature for his age.

[28. Mike Theemling said the following at 5:51 PM on Jan 30:]

28

By the very fact that the majority of testimonies here are of older men marrying younger women (and not so much vice versa) reinforce my point.

[29. Sarah K said the following at 6:03 PM on Jan 30:]

29

My grandmother, who was 9 years younger than my grandfather, always advised us grand-daughters to marry a younger man. Why? Because they'll live longer relative to you. Grandpa died and left grandma a widow for 16 years before she died. If he was nine or eight years younger, they could've had those years together. Food for thought!

PS. My cousin, at 39, married her 29 year old boyfriend this fall and she's now pregnant. They are really happy :)

[30. Nicole said the following at 6:41 PM on Jan 30:]

30

I find it interesting to see what others consider to be older or younger. To me if someone said they were seeing someone 'older' I'd assume they meant at least a 10 to 15 years age difference if not more, it's a little strange to think that as little as 3 to 5 years is thought of as considerably older to some! Then again, I'm out of my twenties now and I'm sure I felt 30 was ancient at 21!
I'm actually really enjoying dating a man who is closer to 40 than to 30. I have all the benefits of meeting him at his best time of life! He had his children young, and for someone like me who doesn't exactly dream of parenthood, its a huge wieght off my shoulders that I won't be asked to give him children. I can just enjoy him for who he is; confident, mature, succesful, and old enough to know not to make the same mistakes he made 20 years ago!
Don't knock dating the "older" man!

[31. Laura said the following at 7:06 PM on Jan 30:]

31

Mike Theemling is definitely onto something. I am now 30, but married at 24 to a man who was 34. Since my teen years, I'd always been far more attracted to "older" men for their maturity and conversation and when my husband was thinking about marriage in his early thirties, women in their twenties were pretty much the ones he had in mind. It really does stink for women who have difficulty finding a mate in their "prime" years (which I would guess as being in their twenties for college girls and maybe even late teens for women who may not attend college). I remember being in college in my very early twenties and thinking these were my prime years for being open to getting married and it wasn't even a Southern or "bridal" (Bible) college. I also knew I didn't want to be an older mom and so now we're done having kids at 30 and 40 respectively.

Fertility and (let's be honest) head-turning looks are prime in a woman's twenties. I know plenty of 20-something women desperately want to settle down but no men are coming along, but to all the ones who think they can wait and all those guys asking you out now still will be in 3, 5, 8, 10 years: They probably won't. Most will have long since settled down with the pretty, peppy, fertile college grad who is so interested in them, marriage and motherhood (now). By all means travel, go on missions, go on adventures, but realize your peak years for finding a husband likely are in your early to mid twenties...

[32. SarahB said the following at 8:02 PM on Jan 30:]

32

I have been pondering this issue a ton lately. I specifically prayed that Boundless would post something related to age differences tonight and then looked at the site. I just want to praise Jesus for answering even the slightest prayers! This article was featured. :)

Anyway, I am encouraged to see the positive feedback about age gaps in dating. I keep running into a man who is 16 years older than me. Although I am not interested in dating him (because he is not yet Christian), I do believe that God wants us to be friends. I don't think that our chance encounters have been coincidence. I have talked with him about Jesus quite a bit. In general, I am beginning to trust him and consider him a friend, but my older brother is telling me that no 38 yr-old could possibly want to be friends with a 22 yr-old. He is convinced that this man is a pervert, even though they have never met.
I have been praying a ton about it and I feel as if God keeps confirming that I should remain in contact with this man despite the age difference.

[33. Dawn said the following at 8:12 PM on Jan 30:]

33

Being a single in my mid-thirties, I'm really feeling this age thing when it comes to dating. Most marriage-minded men around my own age (30s-early 40s) are looking for younger women (probably because of the kid issue). The guys that show interest are in their late 40s to early 50s...and to a 35 year old woman, old enough to qualify for AARP is too old. Plus there' often a huge life-experience gap with significantly older men once you hit the 40s/50s. Many older men have been married before and have kids. For someone that has never been married, it just doesn't seem ideal. That being said, God does work in mysterious ways.

[34. anon said the following at 8:37 PM on Jan 30:]

34

Once, I tried dating a woman who was significantly older than me (40 vs 29). Before too long, I began to feel that she was a poor match, and we stopped dating.

One of the issues was that there was definitely a needy and neurotic facet to her personality that I couldn't soothe. I think she would have benefited from dating an older man, who could have taken a more emotionally dominant position in the relationship, tempering her negative traits.

At first, I didn't understand why couplings between an older woman and a younger man were so rare...but now I think I do.

[35. SHP said the following at 8:39 PM on Jan 30:]

35

Well, I guess I'm in the less common age gap situation: my husband is 5 years younger. We did marry when I was 35 and he was 30. The discussion about having children quickly had to happen early enough (if I remember right, it was around engagement time). We are happy that we had no problem starting a family - we'll have 3 kids for our 4th anniversary! But I agree that this doesn't work for everyone...

My parents have a 4 year difference (my mom is older), so for me that was not an issue. For my husband, however, it was something he had to get over when he found out my age (at the beginning he thought I was his age or less, and he never thought about marrying someone older than him). I'm thankful for my mother-in-law, who pointed to him all the couples he knew with this kind of difference who have great marriages. Now he doesn't think about it anymore.

It's quite funny when I think about it, but all the guys who pursued me before him were older than me (5 to 10 years older).

[36. Dannie said the following at 8:44 PM on Jan 30:]

36

I'm dating a guy who is 9 years older than me. I'm 33 and he's 42. I love it and we are good for each other....

I have aunts and grandparents living well into their 90s and 100s so there will probably come a time no matter who I date (younger or older) where I will be alone all circumstances being normal and not tragic.

[37. Paul said the following at 10:07 PM on Jan 30:]

37

My Grandad married Granny when they were 36 and 21 respectively. Right now they are 95 and 79; both are still reasonably healthy, although Grandad has to have a lot more sleep these days, and Granny was in a lot of pain until she had a hip replacement a little while ago.

I do recall one study suggesting that men who married significantly younger women have a longer life expectancy, and my grandparents would suggest that trend.

In my own circle, a couple I know whose ages are (roughly) 40 (him) and 22 (her) are quite well regarded by those around them. They're both quite spiritually mature, but aside from that he certainly doesn't act like a 40-year-old. In fact they are leading an short-term overseas mission team together, leaving this Saturday!

[38. Keith said the following at 11:27 PM on Jan 30:]

38

Age doesn't matter, but maturity in the husband and youthfulness in the wife does matter.

Regardless of age, a man needs to be mature enough to lead and provide for his wife and family. I feel mature enough to take care of my wife, who is 4 years older. In contrast, some men marry way younger women because they want someone as equally immature. If a guy is marrying a lady ten years younger you have to wonder whether the lady is very mature, or if the guy wants someone young because he is still really just a little boy.

Also, youthfulness in women has more to do with character than age. Some women are feminine, fun, free spirited, and flirtatious at any age. Also, femininity is something that many women grow into, and that is why some men searching for that may be attracted to older women.

Judging someone by age is really like judging someone by their skin color - it is what is on the inside that counts.

[39. Khalil said the following at 12:03 AM on Jan 31:]

39

I've experienced those age jokes too, when I was 20 my fiancee was 8; but as a 34 year old man engaged and about to be married to a 22 year old young lady, the age gap doesn't quite seem such as large.

In Lebanon this age gap isn't such a big deal too, so I feel culture has been a significant buffer for us as well as supportive family and friends.

April 7 is our wedding day...and we can barely wait!

[40. James said the following at 12:06 AM on Jan 31:]

40

I'm 32, am anticipating marrying a younger woman, I really don't have any specific range in mind. (honestly whoever would say yes) Mid-late 20's would seem best. Early 30's would have mean getting down to business pretty quickly, which I'm not opposed to either.

If children weren't a consideration I would say within a few years either way would be ideal.

[41. Anonymous E said the following at 1:51 AM on Jan 31:]

41

Well, I am currently dating a man ten years older than myself (he's 41, I'm 31), and while it took some adjusting for me initially, he is more compatible with me than any other man I've dated!

[42. Mike Theemling said the following at 5:02 AM on Jan 31:]

42

Maybe it's time for Boundless to publish this (in)famous article again.

The Cost of Delaying Marriage

[43. Jo said the following at 8:13 AM on Jan 31:]

43

Generally I guess my 'comfortable' age range is maybe 3 years younger to 5 years older - I wouldn't dismiss guys outside that bracket but I'd need time to get used to the idea.

I often find myself attracted to guys who are a bit younger, actually. I think it's partly because I look at least 5 years younger than I am, and therefore I'm more accustomed to younger guys being interested in me (because they think I'm younger than I am). Looking younger also means that I often feel a little creeped out when a guy who's more than a few years older than me expresses interest: it's fair enough if he's 40 and he knows I'm 29, but if I haven't told him my age, I'm going to assume he thinks I'm 22.

All that said, if I get to know a guy and I like him, I'm not going to be too bothered about his age. It's just that if a guy is outside of my 'peer group' I'll have less opportunities to get to know him without dating him. And I'm less likely to date a guy who's much older or younger if I don't know him a little first. Catch 22 I guess...

[44. Jeff said the following at 9:20 AM on Jan 31:]

44

Ah, the subject of age-gap relationships! A topic that will always stir up strong responses and various opinions. I love it!

Anyhow, I think that age-gap relationships are just fine if the love is genuine. These type of relationships have endured throughout the history of mankind. In recent times, the emergence of the “creep factor,” that would cause people look upon such relationships with scorn is largely influenced by a lot of attention being given to the idea of the “predator.” Obviously, nobody is advocating anything illegal and the two concepts should not be intermingled.

For two mature adults, an age gap of 3-5 years is not that significant. An age gap of 10-15 years is rather significant on the other hand. When I was 18, I found that I related well to women who were about 3-4 years older, but now at age 37, I would be open to dating a woman who is significantly younger than me. At this point in my life I will date a woman as young as 22. There are always a lot of factors to consider when thinking about marriage period. When you add in a significant age difference, then you add a little more.

I wish that more people would get a hold of some of these young women and convince them not to waste their lives through partying, chasing sugar daddies and all other nonsense. Sure it’s cool to have a great social life, but be wise with your life choices.

The great reformer Martin Luther and his wife Katherine were about 16-17 years apart.

[45. Kellie said the following at 10:40 AM on Jan 31:]

45

My husband is 5 years older than me. No problems with that, as we met at 23 and 28.

It is worth considering when dating (much) older men, though, that even though they may be capable of fathering children, women may want to consider if their potential husband is going to be able to an active and involved father (at least if you are of the mentality that the husband/father should be more than a paycheck).

[46. Jeff said the following at 1:30 PM on Jan 31:]

46

@kellie

What you mention, I have thought about often. As a male who is 37, I would want my future wife (provided she is much younger) to think things through considering our age difference. In fact both people involved should consider the impact it will have on the family as a whole.

I like sports and fitness and tend to naturally have more of a playful personality type, so I guess this can work to my advantage when the kids come along. With this being said, I don’t want to wait too much longer, but be able to enjoy children while I am relatively young.

[47. Mike Theemling said the following at 1:39 PM on Jan 31:]

47

Oh, and ladies, before you start saying how "unfair" it is to you because guys prefer younger women and that it has little to do with how people would fit personality-wise, let me say that women have their own version of the "age preference" except it's something else: Height.

How often do you see married couples where the guy is significantly shorter than the girl? And ladies, how attracted are you physically (no, really, be honest) to a man who is 6 inches shorter than you? Would you hesitate to go out with one if he asked you? And what does a guy's height have to do with compatibility? Do you see the similarity in supposed "shallowness"?

I'm simply saying that we all have preferences, and there's nothing wrong with them as long as we put them in the right perspective. But we need to be aware of them to and be realistic in terms of who we can attract and when.

[48. Kellie said the following at 2:52 PM on Jan 31:]

48

#47: Before I met my husband, I did meet a nice fellow who was somewhere between 3-4 feet tall, nothing ever came of it, but I certainly didn't dismiss him b/c of height.

As it is my husband is 5'8" (a good 6 inches taller than me, which is plenty).

[49. Ria said the following at 2:57 PM on Jan 31:]

49

At my college, a student got married to a professor. He was young as professors go, 38, but she was 22. When they were engaged, they had a little party and the bride invited several college friends--one blurted out, "Ok, who invited Grandpa?" without realizing he was the groom. lol!

It seems "unfair" to judge someone's age, but I think it's "unwise" to disregard it completely. As some members have pointed out, you'd have to be prepared for your spouse to age more quickly than you, and maybe be more of a grandparent to your children than an active and playful parent. In my own family a marriage with a significant age-difference had a sad outcome--my great-aunt installed her husband at a nursing home and then
left him for a younger man. :X

The height question is an interesting one. This might just be me, but I have a need to feel physically protected by my boyfriend. The feeling of being wrapped in arms and a chest broader and stronger than mine is so reassuring! This is actually something I am having to work through with my boyfriend. He is quite thin and about the same size as me, so sometimes I don't feel physically protected by him. Ah well, at least I'm in no danger of having to put up with a middle-aged beer-belly, haha!
My liking for musculature I don't think is terribly shallow, it's not just wanting a Ken doll with ripped abs, it's a woman's need to feel protected...

[50. Andy said the following at 4:57 PM on Jan 31:]

50

A large age gap is not the norm and offers many challenges, but it's not the beast it's made out to be by some people.

My parents are 17 years apart. As amazing as this may sound, they get along really well, they're both Christian and are happily married to this day after 27 years (true story).

I am not seeking to marry someone with a large age gap myself, nor am I advocating it for anybody else, since it's not the norm, but in my particular case, as a son, I've had a great experience. So here's to those of you nearing 40 or whatever age and thinking all hope is long lost: you have no idea what God can do. At all.

[51. Maggie (from Canada) said the following at 4:59 PM on Jan 31:]

51

My husband is pretty much the same height as me, and I'm 5'5"-and-a-half Well, he would probably say he's an inch taller, but that might be wishful thinking on his part :-) It's never been an issue. He does have a broad chest and shoulders though, so it's not as though he ever seems smaller than me.

In terms of protection, height not the best factor to use. I have an uncle who is 5'3" with a black belt in judo (and a concealed weapons licence). I'm fairly certain he could protect a woman much better than most men over 6'. In general though, when you get to know a man's character, you will know whether he would put you first and take care of your needs. I think a woman's need to feel protected is more about that than about the need for some guy who offers physical protection. My husband may not be buff or anything, but I know he would protect me at all costs if I were threatened.

To answer Mike's question: I never considered dating a man 6" shorter, but then I don't know many men that are under 5' tall.

[52. Keith said the following at 5:07 PM on Jan 31:]

52

People who think that short men can't defend themselves or fight obviously haven't watched wheel chair wrestling.

Watch and be wowed....

[53. Andy said the following at 5:11 PM on Jan 31:]

53

^ For the record, my father was 47 and my mother was 30 when they got married.

[54. Sarah D. said the following at 5:30 PM on Jan 31:]

54

I find this to be an interesting discussion, thanks everyone! I a woman who tends to be attracted to younger men I think this might be that everyone that I meet thinks I am much younger than I am (I am told I look between 19-22 and will be 31 in a few days)! But I don't feel that age makes that big of a difference to me, I tend to look at people's character first, then go from there. There is not a cookie cutter relationship out there, because God did not create cookie cutter people!

[55. SarahB said the following at 7:48 PM on Jan 31:]

55

@#47 I do not see the flip side to this question being addressed. How often do guys pursue girls that are taller than them? I am 5'7" and very few men who are shorter than me ever show interest. I think fewer men date older women and fewer men date taller women for the same reason - older and/or taller women are slightly more intimidating to pursue. But when a man steps forward and breaks those trends, we women take notice.

[56. Lindsay said the following at 9:21 PM on Jan 31:]

56

Age matters, but not much. My parents are 9 years apart and have had a wonderful married life. Strangely enough, the only place where their age difference has mattered was/is at church (since so many ministries are formed around age). My mom always moved up to attend groups for my dad's age range so that they could do them together. Let's just say that she's pretty darn young & cute for the Senior Adult Sunday School they are currently attending. :)

[57. BDB said the following at 9:21 PM on Jan 31:]

57

I suspect that appearance has a lot to do with how often people even approach each other.

A guy who is partly balding will probably be assumed to be in his 40's or older. If he shaves his head, well, maybe you will need to take cues from something else, like his truck...

I strongly suspect that some of women who aren't being approached look a lot younger than they are. A woman in jeans, a ministry t-shirt, a ponytail and an iPhone could be anywhere from 16-36 (and maybe more.) If you consider the "creep factor" mentioned in a few posts above, men who are trying to be respectful may be careful about approaching anyone they think is more than 10 years younger.

There are a few women I know who I originally thought were more than 15 years younger (about 20-22), but it turned out it was less than 10 years and they had graduate degrees. If they are hanging out with the 20-something college students, you may not realize they are in their 30's.

(Particularly if they don't put their high school or college graduation year on their facebook profile, right? I make sure those years are on my profile so that when 20-somethings from church friend me its fully disclosed.)

Anyway, I do think that education similarity can affect this a lot. It's quite possible to have great conversations with someone who shares a degree with you - even if they are 15 years younger. It provides a shared vocabulary that (in my opinion) is even more important than shared generational experiences. It's easier for an older guy to learn about the plot twists of Harry Potter than someone with no interest in finance to learn why net present value matters. When two people can function in the world of ideas together, it's going to be much more comfortable.

As far as why men might choose much younger women, consider that it might not be primarily about physical appearance. Consider the responsible example: the guy who was responsible in his 20's and rejected by peers who wanted to party in their 20's. He becomes successful, and in his 30's discovers that some much younger woman really respects the fact that he was responsible. That's very different than the divorced guy who wants to trade for a younger model.

Respect does matter to men. Watch TV sometime and count how many commercials you see where women are portrayed as the smart ones and men as idiots. That's American culture today.

Sometimes the age difference works precisely because you have a woman who DOES respect what someone brings to the table, and communicates that respect. The woman who communicates respect is going to get a lot more attention than the one who is being snarky and constantly disrespecting men in their comments. It may be easier for someone 10 years younger to not feel she has to compete in every single area and is therefore more willing to let him lead.

[58. R said the following at 11:30 PM on Jan 31:]

58

Mike Theemling: Don't be so quick to judge older brothers who choose to date younger women over older women purely for biology. It maybe a factor, but there is a whole other side. I know older guys who have tried to date women their own age (with an idea that younger women were also too young), but these older women were not interested. If younger women are interested what should an older guy do?? Take a pass?

[59. Dave In KC said the following at 7:31 AM on Feb 1:]

59

Short men can't provide physical protection for themselves or others?

Ahem, Bruce Lee was about 5'8". His weight varied, but usually was around about 145.

I'm 6'1", have done both wrestling & Bushidokan karate, & I would NOT challenge Bruce Lee to a fight. Unless I was just feeling suicidal that day or something.

[60. Dana said the following at 8:16 AM on Feb 1:]

60

My husband is 6 years younger than me. We started dating when he was 19 and I was 25. At first it was strange because, as friends, I viewed him like the brother I never had. I was attracted to him but never thought anything of it since he was so much younger. I honestly didn't think he would be interested in me. What happened was, I was able to be myself around him because I never thought about trying to impress him as a mate. He got to see the real me and fell in love. God started working on my heart and nudging me in my husband's direction. I prayed that if it was God's will that my husband would pursue me--he did. We dated for a year and got married nine months later. We've been married almost 4 years and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

[61. Sara said the following at 9:03 AM on Feb 1:]

61

That's basically the age gap between my husband and I (he's 11.5 years older than me- almost to the day) and we seem to be doing great. As many others have stated, age is not really that big a deal when the couple have mutual values, beliefs, goals- oh, and are crazy about each other!

I didn't intend to marry someone more than a decade older than me- and if you'd asked me at age 20 if that was in my future I woudl have said no- but then I met my husband and it just did not matter.

My parents are nine years apart and my husband's 10 years apart. It's not anything new. Yes, sometimes it is funny when a cultural reference comes up and I remember that my husband was in college and I was in elemetary school. But generally, I don't even think about our age difference.

Congratulations to your friends!

[62. Jessi said the following at 10:10 AM on Feb 1:]

62

I just turned 30, and my husband is 46. The age difference is pretty much a non-issue for us. We clicked so well from the very beginning that we barely thought about age. We have a great marriage. I thank God every day for him. :)

[63. Craig M. said the following at 11:46 AM on Feb 1:]

63

Not to pick at you, Dave, but don't you think that Bruce Lee, marial arts grand master and innovator, is a bit of an exception? On average, you don't think a larger man beats a smaller man? Then why, pray tell, do they bother with weight classes in boxing, wrestling, jiu jitsu and mixed martial arts? Could it be that a smaller man with skills is no match for a larger man with the same skills?

[64. Sarah P. said the following at 12:37 PM on Feb 1:]

64

Can Bruce Lee defeat a much taller opponent?? Hmm. This famous little fight should settle the answer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onGduNTYHTg

:D :D

But ya, the security aspect of height can be deceitful. As someone who practices and helps teach Tae Kwon Do 10-12 hours a week -- and who is getting serious with the sport of TKD sparring -- I know that you can't tell a man by what he looks like, but rather by what he can do.

The only reason most of the big guys who first start TKD sparring are dangerous is because they have heavy limbs that they can move with force. I am a 5'7" woman, and at this point those guys don't pose me much of a menace, since I can easily get out of the way. Some of my skinny fellow instructors/"brothers" who are about my height, however -- you can't touch 'em, and if they want to they have the power to knock over a heavy standing bag with a roundhouse kick.

Also, they have some of the most steadfast characters I know. I have seen, because we've gone through killer workouts you wouldn't imagine together. Do I feel safe around them? You betcha!

I would like to point out as well that Gracie jiu-jitsu was invented by a short guy to beat big guys. It is very practical.

[65. Craig M. said the following at 1:26 PM on Feb 1:]

65

TKD sparring is not a realistic approximation of a street fight.

[66. Celebok said the following at 1:44 PM on Feb 1:]

66

Those of you contributing to the height discussion, please keep in mind that height was only brought up by Mike (#47) to try to illustrate a point about people having superficial preferences, though I think his illustration pretty much backfired on him. I'm following this thread because I'm interested in people's opinions about age differences; I don't care to weed through a whole secondary discussion about height from people who don't even know why they're talking about it.

As for age differences, I think we pretty much established way early in this thread that large age gaps CAN work and that it's unwise to dismiss someone purely because of their age. At this point, I'm interested in any flip-side viewpoints, such as the issues of what happens when the couple gets old that a few people have mentioned.

Also, I think we do need to be careful about over-using the "age doesn't matter" card, particularly if you have a tendency to be attracted to a certain age group for emotionally or spiritually immature reasons.

[67. Sarah P. said the following at 2:38 PM on Feb 1:]

67

I for one was talking about height/security because I thought it was interesting. :D Several years ago, before I got back into TKD, I thought my future husband would have to weigh more than me and be taller than me. I don't think that any more.

Same with age. My mom used to tell me my future husband would have to be older than me so that he could "handle me." I've grown enough so that I know that's not true. I can choose to be "handle-able" by anyone. It is more of a wisdom matter what kind of person to entrust that to.

Perhaps it is just my personality as someone who looks into people and sees them shine with potential -- but I have been quite attracted to men who are several years younger in the past. Even more so as I hit my late 20s, and the men with most potential who are not yet married are in their early 20s. But then, wisdom is also teaching me that there is something to be said for men who have steadily worked on their potential and proven themselves for a little while. People who have grown into themselves. Heaven knows I myself am more fun -- and, dare I say, more attractive -- than I was in my early 20s. :D

[68. Dave In KC said the following at 3:08 PM on Feb 1:]

68

RE 64 Sarah P:

Your "famous little fight" was a choreographed movie scene, not an actual fight. And BTW, Kareem Abdul Jabbar was actually a student of Bruce Lee's style, Jeet Kune Do.

[69. Dave In KC said the following at 3:11 PM on Feb 1:]

69

RE 63 Craig M:

"Could it be that a smaller man with skills is no match for a larger man with the same skills?"

I can only speak from my personal experiences, but I can tell you I wrestled in high school, & studied Bushidokan karate in college. We had weight classes in wrestling, but there was no such thing in karate.

I worked for a bail bond company for a while, so I can say from practical experience that sparring (or wrestling) in a controlled enviornment doesn't necessarily have anything to do with a real fight. Yes, you might learn some slick moves & get lucky, especially if the other person isn't very well trained &/or doesn't have a firearm pointed at you. Plus, you look cool in front of the girls when you can smash a whole stack of pine boards or concrete blocks, even though breaking boards or blocks has little to nothing to do with real life.

When I worked for the bail bond company, myself & my partner carried small .32 revolvers concealed in an ankle holster. If we got in a fight with someone & ended up rolling around on the ground, we'd pull that out & shoot them in the gut, or whatever other convenient part of them we could reach, then shove them off. There's no way I'm gonna roll around on the ground with someone in a situation like that & take a chance of being beaten, stabbed, or shot myself, especially if he's got 5 friends coming to back him up. Also, in a actual fight, there are no "rules" about groins, gouging eyeballs, choke holds, using any impromptu "weapon" you can find, or anything else that would be illegal in many sparring/grappling/wrestling matches. And before somebody points out that MMA matches use so-called "sleeper holds," that's not the kind of choke hold I'm referring to. I'm referring to cutting off someone's windpipe until they are no longer moving. If we really thought the person we were after was armed or extremely dangerous, we'd probably approach him with a .45 or a 12 guage shotgun loaded with 00 buckshot pointed at him.

About all I can tell you is that my size/height has given me a "psychological" advantage from time to time, as some people just choose to back down when faced with someone larger or more physically imposing than they are, but in practical application, the person who's armed, more aggressive, or just plain meaner often has the real advantage.

[70. Sarah P. said the following at 3:27 PM on Feb 1:]

70

Re: the Bruce Lee fight. Yes, of course I realize that was a choreographed movie fight. But thank you for pointing that out for everyone who didn't know I was interjecting some humor.

[71. Karin said the following at 3:43 PM on Feb 1:]

71

@Celebok (#66)

Like I said at the top, my Oma and Opa worked well with a 10-year age gap, but I will add that when they got older there was a significant difference between what both could physically accomplish. He declined pretty rapidly in his late sixties/early seventies while she was still interested in physical activities like swimming, walking and hiking. Those were things they always liked to do together, so it was a little sad.

As you point out, though, it's important to examine the reasons why you want to pursue a relationship where there is a big gap (or why you want to pursue any relationship!). I don't think looking for a father/mother figure is particularly healthy, and looking for someone younger to prolong your youth isn't really either (I'm NOT saying that relationships with a hefty age gap are always based on this, btw). I suppose a young women could get a kick out of dating an older guy if it makes her feel mature and/or accomplished, but I wouldn't say that's normative for adult women as a whole.

It's an interesting discussion, for sure.

[72. MicahT said the following at 3:53 PM on Feb 1:]

72

I was also going to suggest a 12 gauge shotgun in answer to Denise's question.

[73. Craig M. said the following at 3:56 PM on Feb 1:]

73

Dave - no disagreement from me. Just saying that MMA is the closest an organized, fair fight can come to a street fight; much closer than points sparring in karate or TKD. And in MMA, they have weight classes, because it's obvious that a skilled heavyweight would destroy a skilled lightweight. Of course, weapons and multiple fighters changes that.

[74. Lee said the following at 4:52 PM on Feb 1:]

74

On the height question: don't discount "short man syndrome," i.e., when a short man has heard that women don't like short men, decided that no women like him precisely because he's short, and doesn't consider the fact that women don't like him because he's a self-unaware overcompensating obnoxious boor.

On the other hand, I know some short ladies' men. Yeah, they know they're short...but they don't let it bother them, and it turns out that it doesn't really bother the women either.

(I'm slightly taller than average. I once dated--briefly--a man that was slightly shorter than me. I never even noticed his height until he talked about it when we were breaking up, and the fact that I was taller than him "really, really bothered him." Considering we were both well into our twenties at the time, he wasn't likely to grow any taller, and I'm not sure what he expected me to do...shrink?)

[75. Jeff said the following at 3:52 AM on Feb 2:]

75

The reality is that a person’s ability to protect another is not always contingent upon size. I know of some small guys that are great fighters and in fact, there are certain techniques that actually favor smaller people.

It seems as though the point that I want to make has already been driven home by many other posters. With this in mind, my message to the ladies is to give some of my “smaller” brothers a chance. Many of them a great guys and can be very protective.

A discussion about martial arts and other fighting disciplines is always fascinating and can be an engaging topic in and of itself.

On the issue of age differences, younger woman older man makes a lot of sense both biologically and historically (please note that I am not discounting valid relationships that have the reverse scenario). Take a man and a woman both 18 years of age, she is desired for her youth and fertility while the guy her same age is valued for his ability to provide. The problem this presents is that the woman has a head start in this area whereas it will take a few (and in many cases ‘several’) years for him to reach a point where he can provide for a wife and family. The 18 year old man loses ground to a man between 22-25. Fast forward several years later and the same man that “lost out” at 18 is now the 25 year old dating someone between 18-20. Being young and fertile takes no extraordinary effort, but “going to prepare a place” for a future bride takes a significant amount of time.

Yes, women provide more than just babies and men more than material possessions.

[76. Loris said the following at 8:03 AM on Feb 2:]

76

Hmm, no significant age gaps in my family. Everyone, including extended family, is within three years of their spouse. I fit that as well, but I am two years older than my husband. There was a maturity difference at first, but after he hit 25, he closed the gap pretty quickly.

One couple I know of has a nearly 15 year age gap. It has always seemed icky to me. The man was just hovering around the youth group waiting for the girl to turn 18 so he could ask her out. There was a shortage of late teens, early 20s boys in this church, and nobody told this (immature, strange) man to go to a different church with women closer to his own age. The girl also had a domineering father who pushed her into this courtship. They married around the girl's 19th birthday and she got pregnant immediately and became a SAHM. Reports keep coming back that the man cannot talk to her about anything because she has so little experience, and that all she does is tend her (now 2) children, shop, and pester him to take her on vacation. I'm wondering why this man wanted a wife who is more of a daughter than a partner. Granted, she's thin and pretty, but she was a kid, and shows every indication of staying a kid.

[77. Em in WY said the following at 12:51 PM on Feb 2:]

77

On age difference:
My great grandma was 12 years older than my great grandpa. They were married around 25 years or so & they had a great marriage. Guess who died first? Great Grandpa, who was the younger. Great Grandma followed just about 6 months later.

[78. Lost in the World said the following at 1:05 PM on Feb 2:]

78

Craig M. @ 73 said:
"MMA is the closest an organized, fair fight can come to a street fight. . ."

Putting "organized", "fair", and "street fight" in the same sentence is like calling the Mojave the wettest desert on earth. They have weight classes because they have imposed artificial rules on a sterile confrontation where a combatant can tap the mat and everyone walks away.

By contrast, my father grew up in a large Mexican family in a rural setting. The entire thing was soaked in Mexican "machismo" and though they've all calmed down and have families, they remain unnaturally proud of their ability to win a fight. And to a man, they all agree that I should never get in front of Uncle H____ when he's mad. Apparently, in his wild child days, Uncle H____ used a tire iron, a glass bottle, and pure concussing willpower to beat both numerically and physically superior foes.

Bottom line:
The Will to Power beats physical strength, (as mentioned by Dave in KC @ 69) Gun beats Will to Power, and Money. . .well, Money beats both.

In Law School, I was taking a class from the School's Dean when he used a story to illustrate a point. One day he gets a call from a local psychiatrist saying that a law student is deeply disturbed and has been making "credible threats" against the Dean as his perceived tormentor and the police can't find him. Have a nice day.

The University makes the Dean hire a bodyguard out of the law school budget. So, the ex-marine with a concealed carry permit ends up in his office explaining that if the "undesirable" ends up in the Dean's office he's to hide under his desk while the bodyguard "neutralizes the threat". To which the Dean replied, "For the money we're paying you, I expect you to hold him here while I run to the teacher's lounge and make a bag of popcorn."

Ria @ 49 said:

"My liking for musculature I don't think is terribly shallow. . ."

A purely physical characteristic, largely outside of a person’s control, completely unrelated to whether a man will be a good Father or Husband and which touches in no way upon reality since Mongols brought black powder from China to Europe in 1241 AD, or for that matter, from 12 BC when a young, bookish man named Gaius Octavius Thurinus used his Uncle/adopted Father's name and a boat load of money to conquer his world, *isn't* shallow.

*Slow Blink*

In an. . .unrelated. . .topic, "This is actually something I am having to work through with my boyfriend," gets the L.I.T.W. stamp of approval/Blue Ribbon Award for best way to deal with this topic.

Finally, Lee @ 74, being one of above average height I shared your skepticism when my brother who is an attorney, and proud owner of six pack abs, but is six inches shorter than average height in the US said he was being turned down because of his stature. Then I read virtually any thread on this forum that addresses this issue and talked to otherwise Godly woman about this IRL. Now, I mostly curl up into a ball in the corner and mourn the death of cherished illusions about Christian women when it gets mentioned.

[79. Stephanie said the following at 1:12 PM on Feb 2:]

79

Em #77. I am curious - how old were they when they got married to each other?

[80. Ria said the following at 2:23 PM on Feb 2:]

80

Whups, my reply generated a few interesting responses!

Lost in the world, I'm fully aware my boyfriend's physical build has little to do with his ability to become a husband and father. To think otherwise would be shallow and extremely rude and unfair to him.
All I wanted to explain was, for some people "shallowness" might be unconscious and tied to psychological needs, not just women making a list "He has to have this many abs!!1! And be this much older but never younger than me!!!!!" and then crossing men off who don't make the cut (though I'm sure women exist who do that:P)

Obviously, it didn't stop me from dating my boyfriend, loving him, and now considering marriage to him^^ So don't worry, if my little selfishnesses are shallow, at least my behavior isn't.:p

Back to the age discussion, it would seem the conclusion is age doesn't matter when it comes to making good partners or falling in love, but it might in later years when the couple ages at a different pace. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak...

[81. Karen said the following at 7:45 PM on Feb 2:]

81

With the exception of my best friend, all my college girlfriends and I have married men younger than us. My husband is almost a year younger (which is nothing really) but some of their husbands are 7-8 years younger. I think it's an interesting trend.

[82. Craig M. said the following at 10:43 PM on Feb 2:]

82

#78 - Wow, Caesar! You are so historically learned! And you sure showed Ria how shallow she is for liking muscular men. Both wise and so so righteous -- what a catch.

[83. Amir Larijani said the following at 6:05 AM on Feb 3:]

83

I've got 14 years on MrsLarijani. So far, that age gap has been a non-issue.

[84. Em in WY said the following at 10:09 AM on Feb 3:]

84

#79 - Stephanie,
I think (don't have exact ages) that Great Grandpa was in his late 40s or even 50s when he married Great Grandma. She was his second wife.
Em

[85. Kelly-1 said the following at 11:21 AM on Feb 3:]

85

"Bruce Lee was about 5'8". His weight varied, but usually was around about 145."

Just sharing a different perspective, but to me, that's not a small guy! ;)

[86. Anonymous said the following at 12:33 PM on Feb 3:]

86

If a younger man has shown attraction to an older woman but he's never verbalized it, is there anything the woman can do to encourage him to pursue her? (Without directly stating her interest)

[87. Lost In the World said the following at 3:03 PM on Feb 3:]

87

Ria @ 80:
"All I wanted to explain was, for some people "shallowness" might be unconscious and tied to psychological needs, not just women making a list "He has to have this many abs!!1! And be this much older but never younger than me!!!!!" and then crossing men off who don't make the cut (though I'm sure women exist who do that. . ."

One of the reasons I chose to respond to your post was that you seemed to have a good head on your shoulders on this issue. :-) I do think you are letting our sisters off easy, however. It has landed on lists, as a cursory examination of any of the previous posts on this topic will confirm. I do not doubt that the urge for height is an unconscious reaction, but is a reaction from the cave girl portion of a woman's brain. By putting in the work of confronting the impulse, we move it from the unconscious to the conscious brain and we move past it (as you have, so wisely, done. Kudos, Chica!)

Craig M. @ 82 said:
"Wow, Caesar! You are so historically learned! And you sure showed Ria how shallow she is for liking muscular men. Both wise and so so righteous -- what a catch. "

Thank you! In a debate, the last thing one wants is to make an argument so weak that it is easily crushed. As a result, I put in some thought into both sourcing and rhetorical style (I find leaving just enough mystery in a reference to force a Google or wiki search is an awesome way to challenge conventional thinking). The fact that you (half) got my reference to (Augustus, as opposed to the more famous Julius or equally famous Caligula or Nero) Caesar was gratifying indeed!

And, "so so righteous"? You flatter me, sir! Given that we're all trying to live lives patterned after Jesus, to be recognized for my efforts is an honor. To have the added, "so" indicating an unexpected level of righteousness is more, a high honor! I will say, however, that second "so" may have been gilding the lilly, just a bit, given my current state of imperfect sanctification. Then again, who am I to argue with Craig M.?

[88. Craig M. said the following at 4:16 PM on Feb 3:]

88

Lost - You said "Gaius Octavius Thurinus." That's Augustus, not Julius or Nero.

I find your condescension towards normal human attraction, and towards the people who give it its reasonable due, off-putting and baseless. The claim to "rise above" such things is the claim of the radical ascetic. I don't think your knowledge of scrap bits of history adds a thing to the conversation, or turns condescension into wisdom. It's the equivalent of name-dropping.

[89. Catherine said the following at 6:02 PM on Feb 3:]

89

There was actually a study done on this that you could probably find with Google. From what I remember, women who were married to men who were > 6 years younger than them had a significantly higher divorce rate. Men who married women >5 years younger than them had a lower divorce rate than average IF the woman was as intelligent or more intelligent than the man. There was also some limit to the age difference beyond which there was a higher divorce rate but i can't remember it.

I have thought a lot about this study and the possible explanations- all of which are just theories. As a woman, I have enjoyed my relationships with older men (one 9 years older, one 5 years older) much more. They are father along in their careers, more established, more mature and can be great mentors and friends for a woman with intelligence and ambition. I respect them more and probably find them easier to place in the role of a leader because of the age difference. they also respect me but don't find me intimidating because i am so much younger.

That being said, you have to be wary of men who prefer younger women because women their own age won't date them- they are either too immature or prefer a woman who is just a prop or a placeholder with fertile eggs. They often want a submissive spouse who won't challenge them (especially their immaturity) or have a life of her own. I think that is why the intelligence factor is linked- the bad type of older man often prefers a less intelligent, younger spouse and this type of union often ends in divorce because there is a lack of respect at the heart of the marriage. Same goes for older women, be wary of a man who likes being in the submissive role by dating an older women and enjoys the benefits (money, stability, etc.) of dating a more mature person without working for those things himself. It's an unhealthy dynamic.

[90. Ria said the following at 7:34 PM on Feb 3:]

90

"One of the reasons I chose to respond to your post was that you seemed to have a good head on your shoulders on this issue. :-)"

Well I'm glad, but frankly between you and Craig M I nearly felt insulted rather than supported for a minute there. :/

"Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD sees the heart"
...is the human condition><

All that needs to happen is for something about you to tip the scales, something that lands you on her radar and adjusts the first impression she made of you. In my case my guy made me a French pastry from scratch. No joke! (Now don't go saying that's shallow. It was a VERY good pastry)
If nothing happens, and she's had a chance to see many facets of yourself, she's probably just not that into you and it wasn't meant to be.

I agree that sometimes first impressions and laundry lists can become hardened into...Pride and Prejudice, but I wouldn't be too hasty to assume "not attracted" is a sinful attitude.

[91. Lost in the World said the following at 8:47 PM on Feb 3:]

91

Craig M. @ 88 said:
"I find your condescension towards normal human attraction, and towards the people who give it its reasonable due, off-putting and baseless."

Wait, what? I never said that. Or anything even remotely like that. Is that why you've been so sour all day? I thought your reaction was odd given the subject. For the record, I am a fan having physical things to which you attracted.

Boy howdy.

I've got my things. I'm assuming everybody has theirs. Good for them. Good for us.

The question was whether short men are or are not more capable of protecting women. That was the question up for debate. Had stature been stated as a physical preference, I wouldn't have said anything, cause I am a fan of people having physical features which they like. I think appreciating God's beautiful creations is fine. The physical debate does not interest me. I will express no real opinion aside from saying it's a personal preference as to how long your willing to wait. More strict standards will require a longer wait. You want to wait? Cool. You don't want to wait? Also, cool. None of my business either way.

My debate was whether shorter men can defend a woman. The answer to that is yes. If a shorter guy is willing to use weapons, fight dirty, and/or take more punishment then the other guy can he will win the fight. He can also use money to pay people to fight for him like the Caesars did (In comment 78 you said "Caesar" like there was only one. What I pointed out in my last comment was that there are at least 4 famous historical figures to whom you could have been referring. It was pedantic on my part, and for that-and that alone-I must ask your forgiveness. Not that it excuses it, but the explanation is I commented angry. I shouldn't have. I apologize.). The position that a tall person is more capable of protecting a woman is an intellectually indefensible position, and thus is shallow thinking.

[92. MicahT said the following at 9:47 PM on Feb 3:]

92

All this talk of men fighting and no one suggests the woman getting a few kicks in to help her man out?

[93. BDB said the following at 11:48 PM on Feb 3:]

93

Why is this about stature again? I thought this was about being old. So, the rule of thumb to remember about the proection racket is:

Old age and treachery can overcome youth and skill...

[94. Amir Larijani said the following at 6:21 AM on Feb 4:]

94

My debate was whether shorter men can defend a woman. The answer to that is yes. If a shorter guy is willing to use weapons, fight dirty, and/or take more punishment then the other guy can he will win the fight. He can also use money to pay people to fight for him like the Caesars did

Don't underestimate what shorter guys can do. As one of those shorter guys,

I'm very physically fit, I carry a firearm and know how to use it (used to shoot competitively), and also have a variety of instruments that I know how to use.

MrsLarijani has no worries.

[95. Jeff said the following at 11:02 AM on Feb 4:]

95

Size and the lack thereof are both overrated. I would be on the "bigger" end of the spectrum, standing about 6'2" (depending upon whether I have my afro or not) and weighing around a fit 230 lbs.

Truth be told, in sparring situations I prefer going against taller ppl as opposed to shorter ones. I have long legs relative to my height, so I have a high center of gravity compared to a lot of ppl.

[96. Sarah P. said the following at 7:07 PM on Feb 4:]

96

MicahT (#92) said: All this talk of men fighting and no one suggests the woman getting a few kicks in to help her man out?

Ha! Ya know, I can pretty much take care of myself, but it's still pretty nice knowing when someone has my back. And if someone is my good friend, I got his/her back too. I hope that's how it will be with my husband one day.

[97. Anstice said the following at 7:47 AM on Feb 5:]

97

Do you know, it has never once occurred to me that my husband should be able to protect me physically? It's just not an issue for me. Frankly, I'd rather he didn't get violent whatever happened. Even if I were raped, I'd rather he left it to the law than tried to 'defend my honour.'

And the carrying of weapons doesn't really happen in England, unless you're in a gang, which I certainly hope my husband wouldn't be. The only other people who have 'weapons' are those who hunt/shoot for sport, and when they're not actually out shooting, their guns have to be locked up in a secure place to which only license-holders know the whereabouts of the key...

[98. Mike Theemling said the following at 9:00 AM on Feb 5:]

98

Maybe I should've never brought up the height preference for ladies; we seem to have rabbit-trailed into MMA fighting, firearm ownership, and six pack abs.

Entertaining nonethelss.

[99. Keith said the following at 7:15 PM on Feb 5:]

99

With all this talk about short men fighting, has anyone remembered that Jesus said that those who live by the sword will die by it also?

Getting back to topic, for #86, I would say you need to be vulnerable enough to make the guy feel comfortable pursuing you. He needs to feel safe around you. If he really loves you, he will do anything to get you, but you also need to take a first step by affirming him to feel safe.

[100. Jeff said the following at 9:16 PM on Feb 5:]

100

I would encourage all people to have some means of being able to protect themselves be that martial art training or knowledge of handling a weapon. As somebody who can't stand radical feminism, I still do encourage women to be especially vigilant in protecting themselves.

With this in mind, I think there is a stance that a woman takes in allowing her man to show himself strong in her life.