Engagement Stories: Aurora & Kenneth

My name is Aurora. I'm 45. Ken is 50. We were married on May 1, a year to the day after our first in-person meeting. We don't necessarily fit the Boundless demographic, but we're hoping our story is an encouragement to others who find wisdom for the single journey here.

This a second marriage for both of us. We were both married for the first time nearly 20 years ago. My marriage failed not long after it started, a victim of what happens when two people try to do marriage without the benefit of Jesus. Ken's marriage failed when his wife left him, leaving him to raise their twin boys alone. Both situations drove us to the feet of Jesus, begging for salvation and for help. While praying without ceasing didn't save our marriages, we each received more help and healing than we ever could have imagined. We embarked on lives as singles, me as a single woman trying to understand the Lord and His work in my life and Ken as a single dad, relying on God to provide and help him care for his sons.

Over the years, I struggled with trying to understand why the Lord left me unmarried. I followed the pattern of so many, mistaking waiting on the Lord with sitting and doing nothing to "help" myself get married. I prayed alone, sharing my desire for marriage with only one person and talking to her only when the desire for it became so painful that I needed to release it with lots of tears. I'd let it all out, feel better because I'd expressed some of my hurt and then go back to waiting/sitting.

In 2009, I read Candice Watters' book Get Married and was challenged by what she shared. I realized there were things I needed to be doing to put myself in a position for God to bless me with the gift of marriage. A big part of what I needed to do was change my attitude and invite others into the process — for prayer and for encouragement. I worked on having an attitude of expectancy when I prayed for marriage, and I worked on adjusting my motive for wanting to be married. And I invited a group of other single women to meet regularly to pray for this gift that we all wanted. All of this and more helped bring me into a deeper intimacy with the Lord. I loved the entire process of actively waiting for God to move in this area of my life!

That same year, my cousin who is also my best friend and the best spiritual training partner you could ever hope to have, challenged me to try something I said I would never try: online dating. I never really thought it was for me, and truth be told, I didn't because of my pride. I just didn't feel God would answer my prayer like that. I was above needing to go online to meet someone. So I resisted until I just couldn't hear my cousin say another word about it. "Just try it," she would say. "What's the harm in trying it?" she would prod. So I put my profile on an online dating site and planned to leave it there just to prove that it wouldn't work for me. I did not, would not actively participate in the process.

Ken, at the same time, was being encouraged by his niece, who just happens to work for the same online dating site, to put a profile up to see if he might meet someone. Like me, he was skeptical, resistant and slow to move. He wasn't necessarily looking to meet someone for marriage, but he was interested in meeting a Christian woman to see what might develop. He just didn't think it would happen online. He was also pretty certain the Lord would not work through digital means. But finally he relented, put up a profile and began to go through the process of communicating with his matches. One of those matches was me.

A challenging set of life circumstances (the deaths of my beloved grandmother and a dear friend very close together) found me on the dating site longer than I had planned. When Ken contacted me, I decided to respond. We used all of the channels of communication the site provided, and once we were comfortable with one another and what we had learned about the other's walk with the Lord, we moved to communicating by email. For two and half months, we drilled each other with all sorts of hard questions related to dating and relationships, everything from kissing to submission. I was looking for deal-breakers, anything that would eliminate Ken from being considered as marriage material. He was looking for anything that would prove I was less than the Christian woman he was hoping to meet.

We spent two and a half months emailing each other. We didn't meet even though we lived only 30 miles apart. At the end of April 2010, we finally exchanged phone numbers and spoke on the phone. Our first date was May 1. We started pre-engagement counseling (we highly recommend this) on July 4. Ken proposed on Oct. 23, and we were married this past spring in front of family and friends who had been faithfully praying for years that God would send a spouse to each of us. We were blessed to share our first kiss at the marriage altar! The day celebrated not only an answer to prayer, but it was the completion of learning the lesson that sometimes God will answer your prayer not only in a way you don't expect, but sometimes in a way you really don't want!

Ken and I are having a lovely time these days, enjoying each other and seeking the Lord for how He will use us as a couple to help build His kingdom. We are still in awe of how God has blessed us. We are thankful and humbled by His goodness toward us.

For me, Boundless was always a source of thoughtful dialogue about singleness, waiting, dating and marriage. Blog posts and the spirited discussions in the comments encouraged me, challenged me and helped me be steadfast in my approach to dating and marriage despite unhealthy counsel to the contrary from both inside and outside the church. Boundless helped keep me hopeful, trusting in the Lord and encouraged. Boundless Team, know that your ministry blesses those beyond those you planned on touching for the Lord. Ken and I are grateful for what you do!

Comments

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1. Still in Idaho said the following at 12:18 PM on Oct 7:

Congratulations! This story strikes a chord with me because it is similar to how my step-dad and mom met 20 years ago.

2. glixes said the following at 12:29 PM on Oct 7:

wao, congrats to both of you, !!! your post make me thing about my personal situation, am 30 still single, never been in a relatition before and nowdays feeling with a low selfessteem, well maybe i not doing nothing just wait ,.. again congrats

3. Ria said the following at 3:36 PM on Oct 7:

Great story, and what a cute photo!! You two look so happy and I wouldn't believe you're teetering around 50.^^

4. F said the following at 3:45 PM on Oct 7:

Your story moved me to tears. God is good!

5. Rachael Starke said the following at 3:50 PM on Oct 7:

Rueful confession alert: I usually don't read the engagement articles (not out of disinterest, but more because of time). But I had a few minutes, clicked on this, and the surprise alone from that gorgeous picture was worth it. The story is even better. To God be the glory - great things He has done!

6. Jade said the following at 4:15 PM on Oct 7:

I love this story! Congratulations and thank you for sharing. The best line is "He was also pretty certain the Lord would not work through digital means". Our timeless God can certainly adapt to modern technology!

7. arielle said the following at 4:42 PM on Oct 7:

you guys look so happy. congratulations and praise the Lord!

8. Marie said the following at 5:17 PM on Oct 7:

Awww, thanks for sharing your story, it is so sweet. The Lord is so good. God bless!

9. Angie Marie said the following at 7:46 PM on Oct 7:

Congratulations! You look so lovely together. God bless!

10. farmer Tom said the following at 8:21 PM on Oct 7:

Very cool story.

You are a lovely couple. The bride in just beaming.

Congratulations.

Praise God for His blessings in your life.

11. Denise *I met Lisa A.!* said the following at 11:57 PM on Oct 7:

Congratulations~! you two are an adorable couple... thank you for the encouragement~! Blessings!

12. Lynn said the following at 12:21 AM on Oct 8:

Congratulations to you both. You're a beautiful couple.

This is a nice story. Honestly, however, I'm not particularly encouraged by it. I turned 40 this year, have never been married, and I feel that the concerns and challenges of never-married older singles are a little different from those who have already been married once. So I don't completely identify with this story.

I had an unsuccessful 9 months of online dating and am pretty much embarking on "plan B" -- trying to live an extraordinary single life, and seeking opportunities of which I would not be able to avail myself if I were married.

That said, I'm curious about this statement in your post "I worked on adjusting my motive for wanting to be married." How did this change for you?

13. Shawna said the following at 6:22 AM on Oct 9:

Congratulations on your wedding and thank you for sharing your story. You are a beautiful couple.

As a never-married, recently-turned 38-year-old woman, I do find encouragement in your story.

Sometimes it is discouraging to read the stories of the barely 20-somethings who met while homeschooling/in Christian college/at church and were married 5 minutes later. While I believe that's God's plan in their lives, sometimes my sinfulness makes me feel inferior to them. I truly appreciate you and Boundless recognizing that there are more stories to be heard.

14. Anonymous said the following at 2:42 PM on Oct 9:

Thank you so much for posting this story. I find it very encouraging, for many of the reasons Shawna (13) mentioned above. I've never been married and, though just 28, don't find a lot in common with the younger 20-something engagement stories and advice on here. This post meant a lot to me!

15. Amarette said the following at 6:24 PM on Oct 9:

LOVE it! Congrats!!! Yall look amazing! :-)

16. RLynn said the following at 7:06 AM on Oct 10:

Terrific story--congratulations--and what a handsome couple!

17. clair said the following at 8:11 AM on Oct 10:

Congrats, such a beautiful couple. I cant believe you are 45 and 50, you look even younger than that!

I love what you said...
"it was the completion of learning the lesson that sometimes God will answer your prayer not only in a way you don't expect, but sometimes in a way you really don't want!"

In my own life, I recently had a dating situation end....I had some hesitations, but at the same time, there was a lot great about the man...I asked God that if he was not the one, i wanted God to slam the door because I couldn't tell if this was a guy to keep or close the door on...the Lord slammed the door, and even though it wasnt the answer to prayer I wanted, it was the answer and I felt 100 percent confident that this was a firm No from God.

So, to the author, in your case, how was your prayer not answered how you wanted? was it because it was through online dating? or because you waited so long to meet the right man? Please share :)

so very happy for you and rejoicing in this marriage!

18. Ro said the following at 11:35 AM on Oct 10:

Great and encouraging story.

Also agree with Shawna (#13). I also feel inferior to young couples who married very young, as I am still single and older.

19. Precious said the following at 12:03 PM on Oct 10:

Interesting read. Just before I had opened the article, I thought to myself "How come I don't ever get to see couples like me - that is older etc", and so I was just opening the story for the sake of it - yet it floored me to have my doubts cast away. This reminds me that GOD is not a man that He should lie - I will wait on Him, yes I will wait.

20. Aurora said the following at 12:42 PM on Oct 10:

Thank you for all the lovely comments, well wishes and notes of rejoicing! Ken and I are incredibly blessed that you would share a note about our story. We love what God has done for us, it's a joy to read that it touches others too!

@Lynn (#12), you asked about adjusting my motive for wanting to be married. At a certain point in God's work in my life in this area, I had to get very honest about why I wanted to be married. I realized that I wanted marriage because I was tired of being alone, tired of being the single woman among all of my friends (all of my close friends are married) and tired of being the one that people could not understand why she was still single. I wanted to be married for me, not someone else. A message I heard while visiting my cousin's church challenged me. The pastor defined marriage as the act of selfless service (ministry) to an imperfect person for their rest of their lives. He went on to say that if this was not a primary reason for wanting to marry, you might want to reconsider your desire for it. It was a sobering statement because I had to admit that ministry to another person was not high on my list of reasons. This started the Lord's adjustment of my motives. I began to change the way I prayed. I asked God to bring the man He would have me to help (to minister to and to serve). I prayed for his character and his walk with the Lord. But I really wanted to be able to see the man God brought into my life as the man I was serve as his help. As Ken and I got to know each other, I prayed and looked for specific areas of his life that I could be a help to him. And I was careful to make the distinction between doing nice things for him versus truly helping and serving him over the long haul. The Lord was faithful and as we got know each other, it was clear there were talents the Lord had either gifted me with or character traits that He had developed in me that would be a help to Ken's life. These things helped me arrive at a place of confirmation and peace about receiving Ken as my husband.

@Clair (#17), thanks for you question. Pride is an ugly thing and it can die a slow death :). The last thing I wanted was to have my prayer for marriage answered through online dating (remember, I did it to prove it wouldn't work for me!). It's sad but true that even after I recognized that Ken was the answer to the prayer I had been waiting for, I still had a hard time with how God had brought him into my life. I dreaded the natural question of "So, how did you two meet?" because this was not the testimony I wanted to give! The Lord has convicted me of this and I've felt His rebuke...early on, I felt like I could hear Him say something like, "So, I finally answer your prayer and you want to quibble over how I did it? Really, Aurora? Yeah, okay, moving on..." I know He doesn't talk like that but I sure have felt like He should have given my thinking and attitude!

Another thing that has been interesting is that because Ken and I met through online dating, single women in my church community think I have some special expertise in this area. As you can see from my story, I was a reluctant participant at best. And online dating was just one thing that I did to try to broaden my horizons and to put myself in a position for God to bless me. What I have shared with women who have asked is that this was not about online dating for me but being willing to do things that I would never do because of pride. We have to be willing to be humble enough to allow God to work however He would like. And we have to be brave enough to step out of our comfort zones and try new things, meet new people and be open to new experiences because the Lord will use each one to move His plan along. Taking this on as a lifestyle was not always easy. I had a lot of feelings that I need to deal as I went along on my journey -- anger, frustration, sadness, self-pity -- all the big ones. But when I chose to see what I was doing as doing my part in God unfolding the story of my life, I could move forward with hope and expectancy. I love that the Lord used this season to develop this in me since now as a new wife, I'm doing new things all the time some of them not necessarily easy! As I move forward, I can look at my actions as me moving in unison with the Lord's plan. Moving with Him is always better than digging in and not moving at all.

Loving Him with you,
Aurora

21. irememberphotovideo said the following at 11:21 PM on Oct 10:

Here is the link to watch Kenny & Auroras Video

http://vimeo.com/23418353

22. Ann said the following at 8:18 AM on Oct 11:

What a wonderful story and eloquent telling! Thanks and Congratulations :)

23. clair said the following at 10:44 AM on Oct 11:

Aurora,

Thank you for being willing to respond to my question. I have been trying to let go of my prideful ways in dating as well -- I have given guys a chance that I never would have this past year and even have tried online dating. Honestly, my best relationships have not been with the boys I "met in sunday school" - but guys I have met online, through setups, out with friends, etc...trying to be open for what the Lord brings even if it comes in a DIFFERENT way than we thought is good advice. Some that I will take to heart, thanks for responding. I find your story and attitude on life and relationships refreshing and uplifting!

24. Alison said the following at 12:49 PM on Oct 11:

Congratulations and thanks for sharing your story!

25. LA said the following at 2:16 PM on Oct 11:

The Photo: Lovely and Radiant!
The Story: To God Be The Glory!
Aurora & Kenneth: Grace For the Journey!

Cheers!
LA.

26. Lynn said the following at 2:46 PM on Oct 11:

Aurora, thank you for your response.

27. Mel said the following at 9:47 AM on Oct 12:

I just saw the video, it was a beautiful wedding, congratulations! It is awesome to see how God works in people's lives and to witness His miracles.

28. Emily said the following at 11:14 AM on Nov 4:

Wow Aurora! I usually never comment on blogs, this is the first time I'm doing this and I read this site often, but I was very moved by your story and how real the journey was.

I appreciate your willingness to share this as well -- as I feel like there are still a lot of us out there that can relate to various things that you spoke about...including the age factor. Myself, single, mid 30s, 'waiting' as we are all want to do in a Godly way, and figuring out what the Lord is speaking to us each in our own journey's....giving online dating a shot (so GLAD i'm not the only one out there who thought about what to tell people when they ask "how did you 2 meet"...this still scares me should I meet someone online!)...getting over the pride/embarrassment issue of that as well....all these same thoughts have been plaguing me even while I am doing the online thing. I just thank you for the freedom in your words.

OH and I love what you wrote about changing your perspective on marriage and how to selflessly pray into serving someone else...it's like a lightbulb went on for me.

All this spoke volumes to me, and I do appreciate your humility and honesty in writing your story.

Many blessings to you and Ken, awesome video AND you both don't look a day over 30!!!