Am I a Grown-Up Yet?
by Adam R. Holz on 10/04/2011 at 6:32 AM
Sometimes I don’t feel much like a grown-up.
On paper, it seems like I should qualify. My wife and I have been married nearly seven years after tying the knot when we were both 34. We have three children (Henry, 5; Annabeth, almost 3; Maggie, 1), as well as an obligatory minivan and station wagon to cart them wherever we need to go. We have a modest house in the same neighborhood where my wife grew up in Colorado Springs. And we’ve both been working in our respective professions (me, writing; my wife, church ministry) for about 15 years or so now. Oh, and we pay our taxes. That’s definitely something grown-ups do, right?
For all that, however, sometimes I don’t feel like a grown-up. Let me explain.
When you’re a child, it’s obvious who the grown-ups are. For starters, they sit at a different table at Christmas and Thanksgiving. And they always have stuff to do. They have jobs and “pay the bills,” whatever that means. They frequently seem slightly preoccupied, or grumpy, or both. Most importantly, they have privileges that you don’t: They get to stay up late and keep watching TV when you have to go to bed; they can sneak a cookie before breakfast if they want; and, of course, they can drive a car.
Oddly, it’s that mundane stuff that apparently makes us want to be one. A grown-up, that is. Attaining that coveted status seems to be a nearly universal longing. After all, how often do we ask a child today (or did we get asked when we were little), “What do you want to be when you grow up?” How often in our younger years did we daydream, “When I’m grown up, I’m going to _________”? At the moment, my 5-year-old son is deeply infatuated with the idea of being a construction worker who gets to drive front-end loaders. When he’s feeling generous, he lets me know that I can come visit him at work someday and drive tractors with him if I want to.
Here’s where all this grown-up stuff gets a bit confusing.
I think, by God’s incredible grace, I have nearly everything I ever really hoped for. Everything that really matters, anyway. I don’t have a Ferrari and I’ve never been to Bora Bora and I’ve never gotten to go backstage at a Bon Jovi concert, but apart from those flights of fancy, many of my childhood longings and dreams have pretty much been fulfilled. I should be content. Always happy, right?
Except that I’m not. Not all the time, anyway.
Sometimes a sense of shapeless longing creeps in, something that I once thought being a “grown-up” should cure permanently. In his song “The Heart of the Matter,” Don Henley describes it as “a yearning undefined.” I have everything I ever really wanted, yet still my heart gets restless at times, discontent, longing for something undefined, longing for ... more.
Slowly, I’m realizing that being a grown-up has very little to do with objective criteria like marital status, paying a mortgage or holding a job. I’m realizing that it has more to do with what I do with that “yearning undefined.” That’s the real measure of maturity, I think.
In those moments, I have two choices: I can let my longings consume me, always pushing me to chase the next thing I think might satisfy me. Or I can seek to relinquish my yearning to God and ask Him to fill me. In a word, to lead me toward authentic contentment.
In those moments, though, that choice isn't always so clear-cut. When that vague sense of discontent begins to gnaw at my heart, it’s so very easy to hop on the Internet, to page through something ridiculous like an IKEA catalog and dream of how life would be better if I just had snazzier black cherry bookshelves for the den. (And, yes, for the record, I have seen Fight Club.) To check my Facebook profile to see if anyone’s written on my Wall. It’s easy to go to the fridge for a bite to eat (“Where did all those cookies go?”), to fall prey to the alluring thought that if I just had a slightly newer minivan, a slightly cleaner house, slightly fewer bills to pay, a slightly less demanding schedule, everything would just be OK.
So what, then, does it mean to be a grown-up? I think the maturity I’m talking about has to do with learning to take all those urges, all those desires, all those undefined yearnings, and offering them to God. We say, Lord, here is what my heart thinks it needs right now, but would You take that desire and shape it and help me not to seek from a person, place or thing something I can only receive through You?
That’s hard to do sometimes. And, ironically, it’s something I probably did more consistently in my long season of singleness than I do now as a full-fledged, card-carrying, Subaru Legacy-driving husband and father of three living in suburbia.
But then again, no one ever said becoming a grown-up was easy.
1. Lisa said the following at 8:36 AM on Oct 4:
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Some very good thoughts, which I very much appreciate. I've been to Bora Bora in 1990. It's probably even more developed (worse) now. Don't worry. You didn't miss anything.
2. Ashley said the following at 8:53 AM on Oct 4:
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Lovely post; thank you for this food for thought. I do deeply appreciate it. You are a good writer.
3. MNM said the following at 9:49 AM on Oct 4:
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Thank you, thank you for this mega dose of wisdom. "Yearning undefined..." I relate...have had the same feeling, but never the words for it. Your prayer spoke to me and now I'm speaking it to God...
"Lord, here is what my heart thinks it needs right now, but would You take that desire and shape it and help me not to seek from a person, place or thing something I can only receive through You?"
4. Ria said the following at 11:06 AM on Oct 4:
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Insightful, but I guess it shouldn't be a terrible surprise to me that discontent can set in at any stage of life. You have all the things I'm still dreaming of now--a spouse, children, a steady job, a home to call my own.
But when I was younger I did dream of where I am now: I longed to get out of my town, go to college, fall in love, see the world. I longed to "grow up."
Now I'm finishing college, trying to process the last year that I spent in Japan, and keep up with the boyfriend I left there...all worried now over the next stage of life and "grown up" responsibilities!
Thanks for the reminder that contentment will never depend on my circumstances, but on my peace with the Lord, who supplies all my needs. Thank you!
5. Ashley said the following at 11:08 AM on Oct 4:
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Relevant XKCD:
http://www.xkcd.com/150/
;)
6. Angie Marie said the following at 11:36 AM on Oct 4:
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Beautiful writing; good points! I'll be sharing this with my Bible study. Thank you.
7. Julie said the following at 11:50 AM on Oct 4:
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I very much appreciate this post. I've been married nearly a year and I now have a house, a spouse, a job, a car, and a yard. By my measuring stick I'm a grown up now. I absolutely have those moments of disbelief and/or childishness, though - this post was so poignant because all weekend I've been wrestling with having to take a job I've been offered after temping there for a while. It's a sound logical decision to take it and be happy about it for various reasons, including to bless my family financially for a season, but I just don't enjoy the job very much at all. I wanted to whine and throw a tantrum and did end up crying a lot, but all for childishly self-focused reasons (as I was aware even in the moment). For me right now, career has been a pretty dismal segment of my life for the last couple years and I feel like if I could just have a better job doing something I love, I would be more content. My school years taught me that I'm the bright kid with lots of potential, after all, and it's not right that I be getting a big fat F in job satisfaction and success, so if I just had what I deserve things would be so much better! The irony is that I don't even CARE about having a shiny career: I'd rather stay home and raise chickens and children and have a small home decorating service on the side.
I had a prayer for contentment on a sticky note in the back of my desk drawer, and I've just updated it to be the prayer you share at the end of the post. Thanks :)
8. Dave said the following at 12:38 PM on Oct 4:
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Wow. Not to sound cliche, but this is exactly what I needed to hear.
I don't know what I'm going to do with it but I had that brief moment of clarity where things suddenly made a whole lot more sense.
So, thank you for writing this whatever your motivation was.
9. Nicole said the following at 3:18 PM on Oct 4:
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This is one I think everyone can relate to at some point in their lives. After reading this I feel much more confident that even though I have found myself in circumstances where I have NONE of those "grown up yard stick" things, it doesn't mean that I'm any less mature than those who do.
10. Bethany in Denver said the following at 3:57 PM on Oct 4:
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Thanks for sharing in this post. It's a reminder that this feeling is a universal condition of human existence. There is always something we wish we had that we don't, and/or something in our lives we wish was taken away.
Makes me think of this Joni Eareckson Tada quote: "Suffering keeps swelling our feet so that earth's shoes won't fit." This doesn't always mean severe hardships (though many times it does.) It just means we'll never find what we're looking for until heaven!
What I'm currently longing for is a godly husband and to have children. I have friends longing for their teenage kids' salvation. Others longing to be able to conceive children. Others longing for employment to provide for their families. It is quite possible to have Biblical, right desires that remain unfulfilled. All are part of God's design that we would submit everything unto Him to be given or taken away.
11. Kevin said the following at 4:23 PM on Oct 4:
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"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." - CS Lewis
Contentment in Christ, a wonderful thing.
12. Ashley said the following at 6:28 PM on Oct 4:
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It's good to be reminded that our fulfillment will not come from material gain, or peace of mind from obtaining the requirements the world (and sometimes myself) says we need. I'm a twenty year old college student (so I'm not REALLY "grown up" yet!) and I find even now, as I am developing, I need to remind myself my desires should be shaped by God. From being tempted to buy "one more thing" for my apartment (I do agree, black cherry bookshelves sound lovely)to being tempted to think a relationship might fulfill me, I am learning that unless I want to only fuel the craving for what will never fill, I must seek God, who is the only source of true fulfillment.
13. Chris said the following at 10:39 PM on Oct 4:
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My son was telling me about a story he was writing for class in elementary school. In the story, a magical item was going to grant him wishes. He said he had a great first wish but that he quickly decided it was not something he wanted.
I asked him what this wish was.
It was to be treated like an adult. He said he wanted that but then he quickly realized that if he was treated like an adult, he'd have to start dealing with all those things adults had to deal with.
Pretty wise for a 9 year old, no?
14. Jacob Solomon said the following at 5:26 AM on Oct 5:
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I know what you're talking about.
I'm currently studying at a university and I am not up to the task at all, even though everybody tells me that I should be because I'm so smart and I've always had good grades, but I hate it here.
When I felt depressed in former times, I used to watch porn or drink alcohol to forget my anguish. But now I've made a habit of turning to God in prayer and I hope He will help me get my life in order.
15. Al said the following at 10:37 AM on Oct 5:
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Great piece. I think sometimes we need to feel "grown-up" to appreciate what we have.
16. julie said the following at 5:25 PM on Oct 5:
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thank you for this- i really enjoyed the perspective