Un-Friending | Boundless Line

Un-Friending
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 01/25/2011 at 8:15 AM

No, this is not another post about Facebook. I'm talking about real-time friendships. As someone who has been blessed with amazing friends throughout my life, I've recently been thinking about what to do when friendships change.

I had several friendships that changed when I married and a few more that changed when I moved into the motherhood phase. The thing is, these friendships did not necessarily change because of these life events but more as an outgrowth of my changes as a person (and theirs) in response to them.

For some friendships, I used to give something to the other person that I no longer give due to my new relationship with my husband. This is the case with all of my male friends. For example, I used to be able to offer a listening ear to a guy friend, or even spend time with him, that I no longer can.

With one of my girlfriends, it was our single life stage that connected us. Even though we changed life stages simultaneously (we are both now married), our lives look more different from each other as married women than they did when we were single. Differences that always existed have been magnified by our entrance into family life, giving us less in common.

I have a very difficult time letting go of friendships -- even when it is clear that they have run their course. I would be happy to let all friendships thrive indefinitely. Friends to the end, if you will. But it just won't happen that way with every relationship.

In "Girls Need Girls," I discussed several types of female friendships. I believe every woman needs these types of friends. However, the same person may not always fill the same position. True, some friends will remain for a lifetime. The things that connect you are indelible and resistant to change in circumstances. But some friendships will be for a season -- and that's God's design.

Though "Make new friends, but always keep the old," sounds lovely, there is a pragmatic piece to how many friendships you can maintain at any given time. And if you are making new friends throughout your life, your friendships with others will certainly change.

So while I'm saddened to see some precious friendships change, I realize it's inevitable and opens the door for new relationships God may want me to focus on. What about you? What has been your experience with "un-friending"?

Christian Community | Mail This | Share on Facebook

Comments

You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

1. Josh said the following at 8:38 AM on Jan 25:

yup, agreed. I've been married for 1.5 years and the list of girl-friends I have is practically zero now (though I do have female friends that are married, either friends of my wife or wives to my friends). Marriage aside, I took it a step further and unfriended anyone that I wasn't more than acquaintances with; my facebook friend list went down from 1000+ to just over 300. It felt good, but I hope no one got offended!

2. Evie said the following at 9:00 AM on Jan 25:

I was wondering if there was something wrong with me ;) Thanks Suzanne! I don't spend as much time one-on-one with my single girlfriends anymore because a lot of what connected us before was our 'un-married-ness'. We talked about relationships (or hypothetical relationships), spending time talking about what we thought of marriage or 'do you think he's right for me?!', 'did you see that new guy in church?' or 'do you think I'm called to be single?' etc. And once that issue got settled for me and put to rest, it's like there are different things to discuss, or not as much to relate with. It's hard, though because I feel guilty for not investing as much into certain friendships as before, but as you said I think it just changes as we change. Getting married was a big culture-shift for me — a different lifestyle. I don't ~think~ the same anymore so my friendships which were based on 'same thinking / same stage / same struggles' changed as well. We are still friends but it's not that super closeness of numerous "girls nights" since my husband meets a lot of those relational needs now. But it's neat to see how God fills in the gaps. I felt I was leaving some single friends in the dust because I got busier and my husband is my priority, but other new single women started showing up :) Still getting my bearings! I think it gets easier to balance those friendships as time goes on.

3. B. Marie said the following at 9:02 AM on Jan 25:

I personally think the hardest part of letting friendships go is when one person feels like it has run its course or wants to spend less time together and the other person does not. If friendships naturally run their course and both people drift apart, then it is generally not too awkward. When one person insists, however, that you be closer to them than you feel comfortable with, it becomes uncomfortable and can harm the relationship/friendship, sometimes irreparably. I feel it is best, then, to pick up cues from the other person and allow friendships to naturally grow or wane.

4. Suzanne Hadley Gosselin said the following at 9:18 AM on Jan 25:

B. Marie #3:

I agree. That is part of what I am experiencing. Some friendships I would like to continue but it's become clear from the other person's cues that that's not going to happen. I have to be willing to let go based on the other person's prerogative. Trying to force a friendship is unproductive, not to mention frustrating.

5. DannieA said the following at 11:05 AM on Jan 25:

that's so funny to me that some people said they had to unfriend single friends after marriage....I remember BC (before children) that being single is one of the main reasons two of my married friends HAD friends...other marrieds with children had their own schedule and mine was flexible and I didn't mind connecting at their house over coffee and naptime, so those were great friendships....now that I have a child, those friendships are harder to maintain because now we both have different schedules that are dominated by the kids extracurricular activities or because of my child's naptime.

6. Gina said the following at 11:26 AM on Jan 25:

My now-married best friend has made a real effort to continue being my friend, even though I'm still single and live out of state, and even though she has plenty of mommy friends with whom she has more in common. More than that, she's made a real effort to include me in her children's lives, to the point of making me their godmother. And her husband has become a good friend too.

I can't tell you how grateful I am that they're that kind of people. Would that there were more like them! Thank God for friendships that are based on more than just a shared relationship status.

7. Jason said the following at 11:34 AM on Jan 25:

I noticed you wrote something about not spending as much time with guy friends once you got married. I noticed this and it made me think of some differences I have with the current girl im dating. I can't seem to get thru to her that its not a good idea for her to invest as much time in her guy friends anymore other than the fact that its "inappropiate". I would appriciate an opinion on how much time she should spend/invest in her frienships with other guys. Am I out of line in requesting she not invest as much time in these guy frienships? (some of them have been around for years)thanks for anyones advice.

8. Kelly-1 said the following at 12:00 PM on Jan 25:

What has been especially difficult for me is seeing my one-time-best-girlfriend now become best friends with my sister. Why? Because GF and I were single together for years, and used to go out dancing etc. together.

Then she got married and had a baby, at the same time as my sister. Suddenly they had everything in common and I was left out. I understand the progression of the friendship, but losing someone always brings sadness.

---

I think the key is that a friendship needs to survive the transition. If you make a friend who is already married, there are no transition difficulties; you bond over things besides singleness. But when "the search" is a big part of your friendship, that has to change.

I have 2 single girlfriends left and they're not people I would necessarily be friends with, but we share similar struggles. While I will be overjoyed if any of us marry someday, I don't expect to remain friends with these beautiful women, simply because we are too different in most ways.

---

Finally, Suzanne, did your friend Melissa ever marry?

9. Prickly Pete said the following at 1:08 PM on Jan 25:

Jason (#7):

I would appriciate an opinion on how much time she should spend/invest in her frienships with other guys. Am I out of line in requesting she not invest as much time in these guy frienships? (some of them have been around for years)thanks for anyones advice.

I would say that I think a lot depends on your level of jealousy and security in the relationship, and I mean that honestly, not as an insult. If the guys in question are platonic friends, there is no inherent problem with her spending time with them. But you need to be realistic about your own level of jealousy and communicate to her what makes you uncomfortable. You don't have the right to dictate who she spends time with, of course, but if you are both open and honest, hopefully you can come to an understanding that works for both of you.

Also keep in mind that friendships are among the most important relationships in all of life; God did not intend for us to exist in isolation, nor in isolation-with-a-spouse. If you think it is a bad idea for her to spend time with these people because you don't want her to have relationships with people other than you, that is an attitude you will need to change.

10. Colin said the following at 1:19 PM on Jan 25:

Josh (1) -- I agree with you. Although I am not yet married (indeed, I'm not even dating), at the age of 24 I've already seen several of my friends go through transitioning a friendship after marriage. I've been able to observe good and bad traits there (such as isolation vs. having me over for dinner). Though at the end of the day, the need for social companionship is still there and since I live alone it's hard for me to adjust.

I myself made a point this year to actually interact face-to-face more with men to satisfy social needs. I write plenty, and I have a lot of female acquaintances (at times, my facebook friends list ratio of females to males runs north of 4:1.)

11. Morgan said the following at 2:11 PM on Jan 25:

This is a very interesting discussion and one that one of my friends and I just had in the car for an hour about.

Several conclusions were reached:

1) The introvert/extrovert divide is huge. Extroverts (like me) have a hard time saying goodbye to relationships and letting go in them. We love our friends deeply and immensely and develop pieces of ourselves in them that we are loathe to let go. More than that, people and loving on people gives us energy. Introverts on the other hand, do not seem to need people in the same, demanding way that extroverts do. I have studied abroad twice in school and with my close introverted friends I was the one continually putting effort into the relationship.
2)Honestly, I don't get it why you have to cut out friendships when you get into a relationship. I understand that this person is going to take time away from you, probably time that you might spend with your friends, but so often it seems like there is a tendency to leave the people that have been by your side over the years for the person that you have only known for half the time! I'm talking right now with my best friend about this who has known her boyfriend for 6 months and me for almost three years and yet I feel like I am the one continually getting picked over. Did I really invest three years of my life just to be ditched? Of course not! I need her as my friend --she does not have the right just to decide she does not want to be my best friend just because she is someone's boyfriend.

Finally, with respect to guy friends. I have 6 guy best friends whom I fully plan on having in my life forever. They are huge encouragers, confidants and life motivators. Why should it be something that is expected that one should give up once marriage happens? We are never going to date; we are not attracted to each other. Yet in my relationships with all of them, we all have give the other so much, in truly that brotherly and sisterly sense.

12. Michelle (Cdn in the UK) said the following at 2:14 PM on Jan 25:

Great topic! I have found that my friendships have changed for more reasons than just marriage or babies (in fact, although these have changed, they haven't gone they have done just that, changed.) The friendships I find ending are those where distance have come to play. Some of those have ended because time passing, perhaps different stages in life, but more just indifference. Our lives and priorities changed. And whatever the circumstance, be it marriage, family, distance...when it was not due to a conflict, then we have stayed in touch, and just changed the way our friendship worked.

Ray Bevan spoke at our leadership day back in May 2010 and he said that God does not just prune, he willows, which is taking a plant and removing impurities. Sometimes those friendships that took us through one season can't take us through the other. In fact, sometimes those people may stop us from getting to the next season.

I guess I say that all to say that I remember that I still love those friends and that if they would need me I would be there. Otherwise I don't chose to be in contact and develop relationships in other areas of my life.

13. Tamara (from Canada) said the following at 2:34 PM on Jan 25:

It is definitely challenging when a friendship is coming to or has come to an end. I have always found it easier if there is a change in the circumstances that formed the friendship in the first place to let go of that friendship. But that doesn't mean it's easy to let go. It's the friendships that just seem to be over or to change drastically for no apparent reason that I think are the hardest to let go of.

I have found that the friendships that seem to last through everything are the ones that are formed on something other than shared interests or life stage or things like that. A couple of my friends from Bible college are friendships like that. We ended up in a small/accountability group together in the dorm my first year - sort of random selection for that. We all just signed up for the kind of group that interested us. We didn't have a lot in common with one another, other than our desire to grow deeper in our walk with God. The friendships formed with those other women are ones that are lasting through many changes in life circumstance for all of us and with cross-country distance between us now.

14. Mrs. H said the following at 2:38 PM on Jan 25:

Morgan (#11):

About introverts and extroverts ... I haven't found that to be true AT ALL. I'm an introvert myself and I think what you may be getting at is that introverts don't feel the need to have as many friends as extroverts might. But that doesn't mean they don't "need" people in the same way or that they don't love them deeply and immensely. I pour my whole self into my friendships - I just don't feel the need to be BFF with everyone I meet.

15. anonymous said the following at 3:39 PM on Jan 25:

I wish there was a protocol to "unfriend"- to say, "You blessed my life in this season. I pray God's best for you. I look forward to catching up in heaven, but we don't have the time/ interest/ whatever now. Goodbye." And to give God glory for what He did for a season. It's hard. And I'm not so good at cues.

I remember being really hurt when a friend moved and I found out randomly on facebook months later. We had drifted, I guess, but... it hurt. I want closure! I

16. Kellie said the following at 3:49 PM on Jan 25:

My two best friends and I have made the effort to keep up our friendship even though we are in different places in geography and in life. We don't see each other that often, but we connect often.

That said, I have made some new friends with whom it seems all we have in common is that we are mothers of small children and Christians, but that's good too.

17. Katie said the following at 4:13 PM on Jan 25:

Morgan,

You may want to check with your future husband about your guy friends. I imagine he might not be as on-board with maintaining them in the same way you do now as a single woman. When you're married, your husband should be the number-one emotional support in your life. If any other guy takes that place, or even part of that place, then you risk emotional attachments that should only be reserved for your husband. Marital fidelity is at stake here, even if it's only on an emotional level. I had a lot of close guy friends before I got married, but since then, I've made it a point to be very careful about my time with them. That means we never spend time alone, and I don't confide in them as I used to. Even if the guy friend and I knew it was platonic, it could look bad to others, knowing I was married. I didn't ditch the friendships, and some of my guy friends are now friends with my husband too! But those friendships have changed, and that's healthy and okay.

18. Rachelle said the following at 4:47 PM on Jan 25:

C.S. Lewis' Four Loves would be a good read when reflecting on this. His work, though, mirrors Aristotle, who said that friendships occur either for pleasure, for utility, or for the mutual good of each other. If a friendship is only about pleasure or utility, they fade away when that function passes, but if it is a friendship between two people who are aiming toward what is good and love each other for loving good things, that endures. But even in that highest form of friendship, Aristotle says that friendship is active, that is, if we want to help someone walk in virtue and righteousness, we have to be able to see how they live. So, deep, good friendships requires time and proximity. You can still wish other people good, wonderful, happy lives--but the friendship is not a full one without those elements.

In the Ethics, Artistotle says that such friendships are rare, because such good souls are rare!

19. Kelly-1 said the following at 5:24 PM on Jan 25:

Morgan - are any of your guy friends married/in serious dating relationships? If so, are you friends with the girls too?

I know that my male friends, once married, have deliberately withdrawn from the deep friendship with me. I'm fine with that; it's healthier that way for his marriage.

As for Jason's question re: his girlfriend spending time with guy friends. I would suggest that you can only ask her to cut back her time spent with these male friends once you are engaged (or seriously discussing it). When you are her husband, THEN it is appropriate for the two of you to invest primarily in each other.

Also, I wouldn't worry so much, because assuming the two of you are headed for marriage, then these friendships will naturally take a back seat. If she insists on maintaining such deep, emotional relationships with these guys, then maybe she's not the right girl for you?

20. Angie Marie said the following at 5:55 PM on Jan 25:

#15 Anonymous,
Your prayerful goodbye is just beautiful. While I have never said goodbye to a friend with those exact words, I have experienced a couple of disolved friendships over the years (and I'm only 20, hah!) that made me think those same sentiments. I've made countless dear new friends, but it is comforting that I'll hang out with some of the old ones for eternity, in heaven. That leaves more than enough time for catching up:)

21. James said the following at 8:21 PM on Jan 25:

Being a 30something single guy, I've gone through the process more than a few times. Fortunately I still live close to my family and friends...I just see the friends much less often (every few months or so). They're also the life long kind, so even though they're probably closer to their church groups at this time, nothing will replace our past experiences and time growing up. I'm sure eventually we'll go out more often together once I (hopefully) find someone.

As a result I'm out on my own quite a bit... in a sense it gives me satisfaction that I'm confident and easy going enough to do my own thing. Plus it makes for some interesting nights.

22. Gwen said the following at 8:22 PM on Jan 25:

Interesting topic - and one that's comes to my mind often. I have been friends with a young woman since our early teens. We're both in our twenties (she 25, me 24), but she has married and has a 1 year old with another on the way. Our friendship has changed dramatically since she got married, and even more so when she had her first child, of whom I am godmother.
I miss the camaraderie we had. I understand that with marriage and children one's priority changes, but it hurts a bit to not share that closeness anymore. Sometimes it's even difficult for me to carry on a conversation with her because our lives are so diverse now.

23. Texas Craig said the following at 10:46 PM on Jan 25:

Not to overspiritualize the issue (although can we really "overspiritualize" anything when all of life is spiritual?!), my general attitude is that I don't really need "friends" for the purpose of hanging out. I know plenty of people I can go to a game with or grab lunch with. But, I don't see the point in it just for friendship's sake. Rather, my true friends now are the people who are serving alongside me. People who are committed to devoting their life to following Christ in the furtherance of the gospel and in making disciples. So, I am actually sort of "cutting down" on just hanging out with people for the sake of keeping friendships alive. If people want my time, then they should join me in serving, and our friendship can blossom through that and become genuine "fellowship." But, having said that, I also am of the opinion that someone can remain a "friend" for life even if I never really see them. The key is that I always retain a fondness for them as a person, even if I never see them.

24. brx said the following at 11:17 PM on Jan 25:

"un-friending"... that sounds kind of intentional, like someone deserves some clear communication and closure. Are you giving that, or making assumptions based on "cues" you interpret?

I like to think of myself as a bridge-builder rather than a bridge-burner. While I'm not always successful, I keep trying. And, I recognize we have a finite amount of time in this life and if we keep building bridges, it's just not practical to keep traversing all of them with the same frequency. So, some bridges may get dusty for lack of regular traveling, but I like to think they are still there so people can joyfully come across now and then.

Grace & peace on all your bridges...

25. Johnny said the following at 12:12 AM on Jan 26:

First off, I do not believe in platonic friendships in the first place. I think that one party or the other (or both) are interested in the other one and that is why they are friends in the first place (no matter what they say). A girl's best guy friend should be her husband. I think that loose aquaintances with the oposite gender might be okay but not "friendships". Can you imagine a guy telling his wife that he is going to meet his platonic friend for dinner, "but no worries I don't like her like that".

As far as introverts & extroverts go: I am an introvert. That doesn't mean that I don't need friends, quite the opposite. I do, but I want a small number of close friends, not a huge number of loose aquaintances. I think that many extroverts do not really value friendship very much because they always have a bunch of "friends" (in reality aquaintances) around that they feel can take a missing friend's place.

If a friend's marriage means the end of the friendship I feel like I should not make bother making new friends to avoid the hurt of their inevitable loss. My best friend got married and he basically vanished from my life after that. It is so painful to see a selfish and manipulative woman with the personality of a spoiled toddler brainwash and isolate your best friend.

26. Lindsay said the following at 1:10 AM on Jan 26:

I have had the misfortune of holding onto a friendship that was no longer what it started out as. The result was a complete disaster!

I was living with a good high school friend during college at the time, and I noticed that things were starting to drift between us and that we didn't have as much in common anymore. When she found herself short a roommate for the following year I agreed to live with her again plus another friend of mine even though I knew in my heart that it wasn't the best idea since we were growing more and more apart in our morals and interests.

It was a matter of convenience for her, but I wanted to hold on to the friendship. I should have ended things with her on peaceful terms, but instead we now no longer speak.I had to move out of the apartment suddenly (the rift between us started growing exponentially over night) I almost had to fight legal battles with her as well! Even the thought of being in the same room as her now is horrifying. The whole experience was emotionally and financially draining, and scarred me for life.

I guess the lesson I learned is to just let friendships end naturally, because if you try and hold on you could possibly create an enemy. Its been a few years now, and I still miss my friend (or at least the friendship that we once had), but I know she will never be the friend to me that she once was, because to her I am now an enemy. Maybe if I had let things drift naturally we would still be on friendly 'how have you been? haven't seen you in a while' terms.

27. Charles H. said the following at 4:07 AM on Jan 26:

@Kelly-1, while your advice may be correct, I don't think we know enough to say for sure. What exactly is Jason (#7) defining as inappropriate?

If, for example, his girlfriend has occasional, platonic interactions with casual male friends and he wants her only to have female friends, then IMHO that's too far. In a relatively new relationship, some women want to see their man every day, others not as often.

On the other hand, if she's having problems with boundaries in those friendships, or spending so much time with the other guys that he never gets to see her, then I do think that's a relationship issue that should be dealt with honestly and openly.

28. aleksandra said the following at 5:11 AM on Jan 26:

in college, i felt i was building my foundations...finding friends who will be there for life, the ones who will care for me if i get cancer, or cheer with me for my first baby's birth.

three years after graduation, i find myself completely friendless, and it's as though college never happened.

sam johnson said, "the man who does not make new friends as he moves through life will soon find himself friendless."

29. aleksandra said the following at 5:15 AM on Jan 26:

oh, also i noticed when people unfriend me on facebook. i have a list of friends i compare it to when my total count goes down. yes, my feelings are hurt by it. if a person was in your life in college, why not always keep him in your facebook as someone you knew, remember, and still care about?

30. JamesUK said the following at 5:57 AM on Jan 26:

Some time last year, i was due to attend the marriage of a couple of Christian friends from Univeristy. I was discussing it with one of the older (60+) Christian men whom i know and I remember him asking me whether i was looking forward to it. "Not really." i replied. He asked me why and i explained that in my experience nothing quite destroys a friendship like the other peron getting married. He smiled and said "I've always felt it was something like a bereavement, y'know, you have a memory of how it was between you, but that time is passed."
"It does seem unfair though", i said "that you have helped them, ministered to them and that they then run off when their spouse comes along. That all those long hours listening to them and helping them deal with problems seem to count for naught when a better option appears."
"True", said my older friend,"but that's exactly what real love is - to do good to another without expecting anything in return. We love them, they leave us and we let them go, content in that we loved them as best we could and knowing that we have kept our Lord's commandment."
Standing in the church a few days later, i reflected upon my friends words and saw the truth they contained. We are here for them. If they treat us badly (which they will) it is between them and God, but our job is to continue to tread the fine line of heartbreak that all the lifetime unmarried must. And i wouldn't have it any other way.

31. B said the following at 6:53 AM on Jan 26:

i do agree that friendships change sometimes due to a change in life stages, e.g. single>>married. but i think as far as possible, unless the other person is truly giving you the signals that he/she does not want the friendship anymore, it would be sad to let it go without some persistence. i feel that good friendships are precious, and that if marriage or being in a serious relationship changes originally-good-and-healthy friendships drastically, i wonder if this is healthy. suzanne, i think i do understand if u are no longer able to spend any one-on-one time with your male friends. perhaps that is only appropriate with your life stage. but a listening ear when someone is truly in need? does being married take that away? if it does, i (even tho i am female) would be sad to have marriage "take away" my good friend. i have been in a serious relationship before, inevitably distanced myself from good friends due to time required with the new person in my life, then went back to singlehood, only to be so, so grateful to have all of those people support me again in times of hardship. i have come away with a renewed appreciation for friendship.

32. Ashley said the following at 8:07 AM on Jan 26:

Some of these comments make me sad.

Gina (#6) my best friend has been married about four years now and has two beautiful little ones. -- To be clear, our friendship not only made the marriage jump, but also the childrearing jump and I am still unmarried.

Suzanne, your blog post "Girls need Girls" was more than insightful. Girls DO need girls, sometimes Momma needs some play time away from the babies, and sometimes the best thing for a small marital kerfluffle is to have a sympathetic but godly girlfriend on hand.

I definitely wouldn't endorse doing a friend dump because my life circumstances change. In fact, I believe the church is all about people bonding over the commonality of christ in spite of their diverse life situations. My circle of girlfriends includes empty-nesters, mothers of college students and school aged children, mothers of toddlers and babies, newlyweds, childess couples and single gals -- and I am SO GLAD. Each of them brings something new and unique to the table.

Now, I do have friends that I have separated from, but largely, that is because of time or distance. If they called for coffee and we could work out a mutually agreeable time -- I would attend, and I'd be happy to do it. I don't consider them "not friends" or "un friended", only that they have moved to different focuses. I'm still delighted to hear about their adventures and coo over their babies when I do see them. I find that, if it's at all possible, it is so much better to leave bridges open than to burn them.

In fact, only on two occasions in my life have I ever been "un friended." The first was a girl in college who didn't feel comfortable with my newly renewed Christian faith. I found her decision regrettable, but I understood. The second situation was much more hurtful. A dear (Christian!) friend, of over two years, suddenly stopped returning my phone calls. A few months (about 5) later, she sent me a facebook message saying much along the lines of what anonymous posted up at #15 -- additionally that we had "grown apart" and that she "didn't see the value of continuing our friendship". I was very confused. When I asked for clarification, she unfriended me. I went to her church to talk in person and the staff (to which I had actually introduced her...) refused to let me speak with her, attacked my character and wrongfully accused me of a number of hurtful things. --- definitely how NOT to end a friendship.

I have had a couple toxic relationships that I did have to end eventually, but those ended through the establishment of good boundaries, which had previously not existed in those friendships (which were characterized by an unhealthy amount of dependency). It was simply a matter of kindly but firmly letting them know that I was happy for their company but no longer wished to be their taxi cab/atm/psychiatrist -- and that there were companies that would be happy to provide such services for them. For some reason they seemed to cool after they realized that I would no longer be meeting their transit, monetary, or advising needs.

33. KarissaM said the following at 9:48 AM on Jan 26:

Is it ever proper to just tell the person, "I don't want to be friends?"
I'm in a situation where there is a girl who wants to be best friends with me. In fact, she has said as much. Over the past seven years I have seen that when we were in high school and 'best friends' she was a bad influence. When she decided that I was boring or got a boyfriend, she'd forget me, only to randomly invite me to coffee or girl time to ask me questions about guys I'm interested in or to get information out of me about other people. This is a sticky situation because apparently she has not felt comfortable coming to the church we both attend (relationship issues with other former friends). I feel like it is my duty to befriend her so she doesn't stop coming to church altogether. Her idea of friendship is talking about personal things, pouring out hearts and talking about HER. For her there are no acquaintances- it's BFFs or enemies. For pete's sake, we don't even have anything in common.
I just don't want to be dropped again at the slightest whim. What's a girl to do?

34. tvgirl said the following at 10:19 AM on Jan 26:

people put too many conditions on friendship. just take things as they come. friends and people are precious, even when things in common decrease or life stages change. is it so hard to keep in touch and keep on caring? i find it kind of gross that people talk about telling someone they don't want to continue being friends or whatnot.

getting married shouldn't change a friendship...you are still the same person before you got married. plus married girls need other girls, too. there are few things more icky than being isolated within a marriage.

a friendship should not be affected by marriage, because there are other things to connect over besides your relationship status. discuss your day, the bible, people you know, whatever.

35. Cairna said the following at 10:32 AM on Jan 26:

I just wanted to chime in with Johnny #25 about the introvert/extrovert thing.

I'm an introvert, but friendships mean the world to me. In fact, I think that they mean much more to me than if I were gregarious and made friends easily.

In the Strengths Finder 2.0 test, one of my greatest strengths is that of Relator. Basically it means that I pull toward people I already know and draw strength from their closeness. http://gmj.gallup.com/content/703/relator.aspx

I'm very sad when I lose a friendship. I'm all the more sad because of how long and hard I had to work to establish that friendship.

36. Nicole said the following at 10:40 AM on Jan 26:

KarissaM #33

It's YOUR life, take charge of it. If you don't want to befreind someone, don't. You have absolutlely no obligation to this girl and are not responsible for her choosing to attend church or not. From your description she sounds like someone with issues and if you dont want her issues to become your issues, I would tell her in a civil but clear way that you wish her well, but have no intention of being a close freind with her. There are some very needy and imature poeple out there who will emotionally drain you if you let them and it isnt healthy to apease them just because we feel sorry for them, set your boundries and stick to them. That is my advice, from one who knows.

37. Elizabeth (from Canada) said the following at 10:55 AM on Jan 26:

I don't have many friends that I would no longer call friends. However, I don't call someone my friend unless I believe that it's basically a life-long committment and we have gotten to know each other over long time period (months to years). (I have high ideals of friendship!)

Yes, I do have friends that I have grown apart from. The friendships with them were based more on interests (e.g. talking about guys) which have changed over the years (getting married and/or growing up and realising that there is much more to life than giggling over guys). I'm still fond of these people, but conversations with them can be awkward and stilted. I still consider them friends, however, and would be delighted if in future years we would once again grow close. Others have mentioned bridges - I view these friendships as still having the bridges, but they have become overgrown and difficult to cross right now.

I have other friends, too. These are the sort of people who you might not see for several years but when you do it's like you were never apart and can talk openly and deeply about serious issues and topics. Here, friendship is not based primarily on shared interests but on a shared desire to serve and seek God.

38. LA said the following at 10:55 AM on Jan 26:

Suzanne, I was wondering how you navigated changes in friendship dynamics while you were still single and some of your friends got married. Maybe this will help you understand what your single friend(s) might be going through, especially females.

I've been thinking a lot about this these days, as a single person with married friends, who are also parents. It's sad to know that you're not a priority anymore regarding friendships, when you are the single party. And yes, I agree that spouse and kids comes first for marrieds, before any other earthly relationship.

For me, I've come to see these changes as seasons and I've often prayed over the years for new friends. They come and go. Most friendships will be for seasons, a few may last a life time. Even marital and parental relationships can be cut short by death and divorce (marrieds).

For the Christian, our relationship with God is meant to last forever. I think this is what God is teaching me in this season. So while I may feel abandoned and 'un-friended', I know God will not leave nor forsake me. And that's comforting. So the random and frequent calls that I would make to a now-married-friend to discuss both trivial and major stuff, I take them to God in prayer instead. Clearly, those frequent conversations can't take place when one frequently hears crying babies over the phone and the like.

This is long, yeah, I know. I'm out. :-)

39. Suzanne Hadley Gosselin said the following at 11:11 AM on Jan 26:

All: "un-friending" was (supposed to be) just a clever title. I am not advocating (nor do I) aggressively ending friendships. I am only referring to the times when this happens and you have to decide how to respond.

40. Bekah Hope said the following at 11:25 AM on Jan 26:

I agree that it's sad to lose friendships because someone has gotten married or had children. I grew up thinking that it was normal to do that though. And about a year after one of my good friends got married God showed me that I still needed her and she still needed me. I didn't have to stay away thinking I would intrude on their time as a couple. Now that friendship is one of the most rewarding in my life! No one else has encouraged me more in my prayers for a husband! No one else has prayed with me, for me, and cried with me over my loneliness. And in the same way I ache with her, cry with her, pray with her for a child. Our doors are always open to each other. Why? Because of Christ. HE is the common bond between us. Nothing else.

I agree with you Ashley (32) that the most important thing that Christians should hold in common is not their stage in life - but CHRIST! And He transcends all else! If you have true friends - who will lay down their lives for you as the bible calls us to - then your marital state is irrelevant. In fact Philippians 2:4 is very clear about this telling us not to be concerned with our own INTERESTS but looking to the interests of others. I love that it uses the word "interests" there - I think it applies to this conversation poignantly.

Honestly, if it were left up to me, I probably wouldn't be friends at all with the married friend I mention above. Our personalities CLASH. We've had several altercations over the years. We get on each others nerves sometimes. But we overcome - because Christ mandated that we do so. Our common interests are not necessarily the same, but we hold a common bond of futhering the kingdom of God, rather than our individual goals of marriage and family....

This is one area where I take issue with "Focusing on the Family". If you surround yourselves only by those with a similar life stage and interests I think you are at risk of missing out on the richness of the body of Christ in all it's diversity (speaking of young and old).

41. Renee said the following at 11:29 AM on Jan 26:

@Morgan (#11)

You have an interesting assessment of extroverts and introverts. I'm an introvert, and I've had quite the opposite experience you have had. Most of the extrovert friends I've had in my life don't really make close friends. They make acquaintances. As an introvert, I consider myself a fiercely loyal friend. I'm not really into making acquaintances, mostly because I realize that those people aren't really there for me. It's a shallow friendship. In fact, I crave true two-way friendships. Unfortunately, this seems to be a rarity to find. It doesn't help that as an introvert I have a hard time making friends. I do very much want good friends. It's hard to break the ice and have the patience to let something grow into friendship.

In my experience, extroverts can be very good at striking up a camaraderie with introverts and drawing them out of their shells. Unfortunately for me, every extrovert in my life has fallen into the "shallow friend" category. They're really just interested in adding me as yet another acquaintance and using me. I've found that these extroverts tend to abuse their charisma into getting other people to do things for them and invite them places. Meanwhile, they never invite other people anywhere. And why should they? Everyone does the inviting for them!

I think the reason so many people fall victim to being used by such popular extroverts is that their charisma is like an addicting drug. It makes people think that the charismatic person actually cares about them and is focused on them, when in fact it is simply an illusion created by an interesting conversation or a funny joke. And so the addict will keep going back for more, volunteering time and energy in exchange for another fix. These extroverts are like vampires: They're seductive and they bleed you dry.

In my case, I once managed to get hooked on the charisma drug. Until I realized it was me putting all the energy into the friendship. It took my vampiric "friend" sucking me 100% dry before I finally came to. One-way friendships are not healthy. It's no longer a friendship; it's a ministry. I realized my ministry time was better spent elsewhere on someone who was actually lonely and needed to be loved like that.

I'm sorry you've run into introverts who aren't interested in two-way friendships. You seem to be the rare exception to all the extroverts I've met, in that you actually want two-way friendships and truly care for others. Sometimes I do feel bad in that I have pushed some people away that I probably should have given a chance. It's almost become a defense mechanism to do so, because I've just been burned so many times by people who just want to use me. Even when it seems like I'm starting to make friends at church, they do something to shut me out. It's like they tried me on like a shoe and decided they didn't fit me, and so discarded me. So maybe some of the introverts you've met are cringing because they've been burned. That's no excuse, though, and on behalf of introverts everywhere, I'm truly sorry.

42. Renee said the following at 11:32 AM on Jan 26:

@Johnny (#25)

I believe it is possible to have a truly platonic relationship with the opposite gender. However, I would say that it's truly rare to keep it platonic and stay super close. I do caution others not to get too close. Keep it chaste and clean. Ladies, if you're married/engaged, keep your husband/fiance present.

I have one friend right now, and only one friend. He's not saved. You might call us acquaintances, because we don't hang out that often and we don't really confide or anything. Everything between us is chaste. As he's not a Christian nor interested in marriage, he's definitely not a candidate for me to date. The reason I call him a friend rather than an acquaintance is that he actually bothers to invite me, and accepts my invitations in turn. It's very rare to find a two-way street like that. I can't imagine telling him to get lost if I got married. What if I'm the only example of Jesus he ever sees? If I got married, the ideal would be for my husband to befriend him as well. I would want him to know he's always welcome in my life as an extended family member. I would love nothing more than to have him over for dinner with my family as a guest once in a while, with my husband present. As our level of friendship is perfectly appropriate and chaste, and not super close, I don't really see much changing between us just because I got married. The only difference would be my husband would be around, so that nothing looks unseemly.

On a side note, having this man as a friend in my life has been a real blessing. He is always chivalrous toward all his female friends. His mother actually raised him to be a total gentleman. For example, he always walks me to my car for safety without ever having to be asked. After I drive home, he calls or texts me to ask if I made it home OK. I have never been treated in this manner by any other man in my life, Christian or not. Every other man I've had to practically beg to walk me to my car in a dark parking lot. My friend's behavior has raised the standards of the kind of man I want to marry. Not to mention the kind of men I want to befriend. And no, he doesn't treat me this way because he's interested in me. He treats ALL his female friends like this. Like I said, his mother raised him right! Who say's chivalry is dead? It's just very rare.

43. Heather said the following at 11:35 AM on Jan 26:

I agree with #24 and #34.

44. Ashley said the following at 11:45 AM on Jan 26:

KarissaM #33: Coming to church because your "bff" attends there is a poor reason to come to church. Refusing to go to church because you "nemesis" attends there is a poor reason to not attend. Pray for this girl, and develop healthy boundaries with her. Calmly and confidently communicate to her that you are happy to be in her life, but that you refuse to gossip about others - if she wants to know about them, she must talk to them herself. Finally, pray for her.

Bekah Hope #40 - Solidarity, Sister! *fistbump* ;)

Suzanne: I'm with Kelly-1, How's Melissa doing these days? :)

45. a said the following at 12:27 PM on Jan 26:

Interesting point. I agree that people change, life circumstances change, and friendships change when one suddenly no longer has almost anything in common with someone they once considered a very close friend.
I don't un-friend necessarily however. Certainly you gradually lose contact with people. But I don't make it a point to cut them out of my life regardless of how much they or I have changed.
And when I run into people who were once close friends who I may have nothing in common with any longer, I still would be friendly, want to hear what is going on in their life currently, and remember all the times that God used them to bless me.
Definitely don't cut people out of your life. You'd be surprised how many times those former friends who you no longer keep in touch with, or who no longer have absolutely anything in common with you, will cross your path again later in life and God will use them once again.
Don't cut people out of your life purposefully.

46. Ann said the following at 2:54 PM on Jan 26:

Unfriending, losing touch...it happens and it hurts especially as a single. When you invest so much into a friendship and it seems to vanish in an instant because mr/mrs right comes along, it hurts. Still working through this one with God. What's the point of all the effort then? Yes, choose to love unconditionally and serve. By the grace of God. Just wish I was not left not wanting to trust.

47. Robert Hall said the following at 3:26 PM on Jan 26:

This really sounds more to me like a problem that married couples need to overcome, but sometimes refuse to.

Young married couples especially feel the need to only develop close relationships with other married couples out of the idea that single (and this is usually who gets the short end in the friendship) people just can't understand married life.

Well, maybe not in the experiential sense but that isn't our job. We are just supposed to be friends because we care for each other as people. If my not being a Dr. Phil type for your marriage counts me out in the close friendship department, then perhaps a new understanding of friendship needs to be had by married couples.

I find close friendships between the opposite sex uncomfortable for obvious reasons. But even if you have them, they don't necessarily stop because you got married. Let's be honest, if it isn't safe/appropriate when you're married, it wasn't safe/appropriate when you were single either.

48. Beth C said the following at 4:48 PM on Jan 26:

I think un-friending single friends after you're married is incredibly selfish. This is exactly why, in some churches it feels so weird to be single. I don't think the body of Christ is supposed to be fragmented according to marital status.

When I lived in WV, friends of mine were married, but made a point to continue loving their single friends. What a great ministry! I hope to be on the other side and do the same thing someday. Some of my favorite friends are couples who actually invite me into their home and let me hang out with them. In many churches couples hang out with other couples and I think this is a problem. We are a body.
Wouldn't it be great if you were friends with a single or a married woman without kids and you could impart your wisdom to them as is commanded in Titus 2?

49. aleksandra said the following at 5:07 PM on Jan 26:

"If my not being a Dr. Phil type for your marriage counts me out in the close friendship department, then perhaps a new understanding of friendship needs to be had by married couples."

EXCELLENT POINT!! :)

50. Leeandra said the following at 5:17 PM on Jan 26:

Thank you Robert Hall (#47) for pointing out the obvious about opposite-sex friendships.

Personally (and this is just based on my own observations) I've seen more marriages fall apart because the spouses thought that "my husband/wife should meet all my emotional needs" than I've seen fall apart due to infidelity.

Having a close friend of the opposite sex is not adultery. Other people seeing you talking to a close friend of the opposite sex is not adultery. Adultery is adultery.

51. Renee said the following at 6:17 PM on Jan 26:

@Beth (#48)

Wow that ministry sounds neat! You know, a lot of singles don't have much family. For a married couple to invite them into their home for, say, dinner or to watch football on Sunday with them would mean a lot to many singles. Because the church should be a family to one another. I often wonder, if I lost my Mom, where I'd spend Thanksgiving? It'd be very lonely. For married couples, young or old, to think of those who don't have their own families is quite a blessing. I hope to have such people in my life someday. Or better yet, to be that kind of person should I marry.

52. Elizabeth said the following at 6:24 PM on Jan 26:

I can relate, but not in regards to marriage. I became a Christian last year, and I don't know if I should end any friendships. I don't want to give off the vibe of "I hate non-Christians", but we don't have much in common anymore. They like to talk about getting drunk and hooking up with guys and it's difficult to sit around listening to those conversations. It's just confusing trying to figure how to end years of friendship.

53. Suzanne Hadley Gosselin said the following at 6:37 PM on Jan 26:

Kelly-1 #8: Did Melissa EVER marry? It's been less than a year and a half since I married. :) Melissa is still unmarried, however, I see God blessing her immensely in the area of relationships. And we remain fast friends. That's all I can say for now. Thanks for asking.

54. Amy Lynn said the following at 9:02 PM on Jan 26:

I was just reflecting the other day on a high school friendship that fizzled our junior year - I'm graduating from college this May and I haven't seen my friend since high school graduation. For us, it wasn't necessarily status that changed, but rather interests. I also started to mature - she wouldn't take me seriously at all and I was more focused on school and sports than she was. Looking back, it's hard for me because I'm the one who kinda 'ruined' the friendship...her mom was always comparing her to me, but in being the 'good and responsible' child, I was just being myself. I was thinking back to what I could have done differently in our friendship, but after reading this, I have realized that friendships ebb and flow and go through seasons - Hannah was my best friend from 7th-11th grade and I needed her during that time and God provided that friendship for the both of us. I am thankful for that, but we have both changed so much since then, as sad as it is, I know it will never be he same and never needs to be the same.

55. DannieA said the following at 10:43 PM on Jan 26:

Ms. H, Johnny, and Renee,

I'm an extrovert...although I classify myself as a lazy extrovert because I also have quite a bunch of phlegmatic tendencies as well as Sanguine (whoo those are old terms for personality tests)

I have found that yes I've had many acquaintences over the years....by fare the classic extrover in me was dubbed "class clown" for our Senior year student awards and I was a class officer for both student association and Senior class....different years.

But I also like friends! Acquaintances come and go but I also love to have friends and am quite frustrated when the good ones fade. Oddly enough I get along well with introverts and a couple are still friends of mine...at least I think so, but I can't tell you how frustrating sometimes it is to be the ONLY one making an effort to stay in contact. I know my friends have told me they don't like to use the phone or go out much....I get that, the definition of introverts is that they energize by having "alone" time and time to process things whereas we extroverts are energized by being around people even if by yourself (e.g. like going to a mall) but as a cautionary tale, please also try to reach out every so often too.

I "used" to be the perfect friend....single, happy to just chill at someone's house, go meet for dinner, or go to a movie, or any combination, however now that I have a toddler running around and I don't have time to grab a phone or e-mail often....it does get lonely and if I'm doing all the asking/inviting to events, house, whatever, sometimes I need a break and have the 'introverts' do the asking as well!

56. Leah said the following at 11:57 PM on Jan 26:

I have had two periods of my life where I significantly noticed this "unfriending". The first was when I was about 13 or 14. It's that time of life when girls can be very nasty. I had some friends who, frankly, were not worth the effort. I put in the effort for a long time until some other girls finally stepped in and basically said to me, in so many words "you can come be friends with us. You don't need them." And I didn't. I switched friends overnight. One of the girls I left eventually grew up and, like me, ditched the other harmful girl involved and we became very good friends again. I realised that, when it's not worth it, you can just walk away and if the other person decides they're missing you, they can make the necessary changes.

Similarly, when I finished highschool I went through a similar phase. For the first few months I still remained very good friends with my school friends. But with uni - and starting different courses and some of us committing to the on-campus Christian group and others not - we ended up in different social circles. We kept up contact but it was sporadic and much more online and less and less face to face (don't try blaming Facebook, it wasn't on the world wide web back then!) We just never saw each other like we did at school. And although I was sad to "let go" of some of those friendships, I've realised it was good to do so - most of those friendships have redeveloped since university finished. I am still better friends with those highschool friends than the people I spent time around at uni. Let something go and, if it's worth it, it will come back to you. I've been much less clingy about friendships ever since realising it. I've also placed less personal value in my friendships - having a husband helps with that though.

Marriage obviously had no play in these circumstances so I think Robert Hall is a bit off-kilter with his accusation against married couples.

57. B said the following at 11:59 PM on Jan 26:

Some of the comments on here make me sad, especially the ones where becoming married means the end of platonic friendships. I understand abiding by what would be helpful to your husband/wife, but have some of you (married or single) never been blessed by having intimate, chaste, non-genital, cross-gender friendships?

What a world it opens up, and what it teaches one about intimacy... may you so be blessed.

58. Kim said the following at 12:13 AM on Jan 27:

@ TEXAS CRAIG # 23
I am totally with you. I am single and the more I strive to get close to the Lord and serve Him, the more some friendships fall off. I have learned that those who are serving alongside me are the ones God has put on my path as travel companions.

It is always sad to lose friendships, but I believe the Lord let's it happen. Sort of a 'pruning' of friendships that have just ran their course, so that we can keep bearing fruits.

Last year I left a certain church and lost 90% of my friends there. It hurt, but I don't consider it a loss. God replaced with friends who truly care for me and push me closer to Him.

A true friend will want God's best for you, even if that means letting you go so you move forth in the direction God is leading.

59. Morgan said the following at 8:06 AM on Jan 27:

Renee, I really enjoyed reading your commentary. In fact, I've really enjoyed this space for a bunch of introverts to come and speak their minds and give me insight into how they perceive their words. It's so good for me to be able to step into your shoes.

I'm equally as sorry for you about all the extroverts who have turned out to be manipulative and shallow and only using people. I guess what is feeding a lot of what I said is I really do put in the time and energy and effort (I am the person who will drop other responsibilities to have a 2 hour conversation with someone) into maintaining relationships even when I am up to my knees in work and school and life and I often feel like this is something taken for granted. I studied abroad all last year and was disappointed that some friends found it hard to even IM me when I was online! I would hear from people at home that my friends were saying they missed me and yet that was never translated into a step of reaching out to me.

As far as my platonic relationships, yes several of these guys have girlfriends, whom I am also friends with. Most of our relationships though consist around issues of God, character, motivation, ambition and how we want to love and serve God and people. I suppose if I were supposed to exit these relationships after marriage, it would just be very difficult for me as they lift me up and encourage and motivate me in so many ways.

60. Megan said the following at 8:24 AM on Jan 27:

:-/ Been there and done that.

I'm single. I have no prospect for marriage, much more a desire to marry (right now). I'm 26 - so you can imagine how my friendships have changed recently.

There is no good way to handle things like this. Really, being upfront and honest (as always) is the best option one has. Telling your friend, "Hey, I'm incredibly busy being a wife and mom, and I'll try to hang out when I can," is a good answer. I've rarely had to *tell* someone I can't/don't want to be their friend anymore (as awful as that sounds as I'm typing this), usually these things just work themselves out.

Although, as Boundless is so famous for saying, you may want to leave that friendship door open because you *could* be a mentor in the future for that person when their situation changes. Or, in the very least, someone to come to for Godly advice. Just a thought.

61. Martha Krienke said the following at 9:12 AM on Jan 27:

#18 Rachelle
Thanks for suggesting C.S. Lewis' book The Four Loves. I've never read it, but it sounds like a great read with Valentine's Day just around the corner!

62. Kelly-1 said the following at 11:06 AM on Jan 27:

57. B asked:

"have some of you (married or single) never been blessed by having intimate, chaste, non-genital, cross-gender friendships?"

No. Not when you put the word "intimate" in there. The friendship may have SEEMED like that, but one of us inevitably developed romantic feelings for the other.

I don't know if it would be different if I and the other person were both married and therefore there was no possibility of dating. But when you're both single, if you have such a great friendship, of course dating will cross your mind. (Usually just on one side, sadly.)

Also, in my experience, if I'm the single one and my male friend is dating, he gradually becomes closer to his GF and doesn't need me any more.

Is it different for single guys who are close friends with non-single girls?

Or are you speaking of cases where you have known each other for years, so long that you truly feel like brother-sister?

---

Suzanne, thanks for answering the question! If she ever does marry, I'm sure we'd love to hear the joyful news.

63. sarah said the following at 11:07 AM on Jan 27:

This is an interesting conversation. The natural ebb and flow of friendships in life can be difficult. I'm not one who likes change myself. A few years ago, a large number of my close friends got married at the same time, and then several of the remaining singles moved away. It was definitely a lonely time. I'm engaged now, but I've found that even in spite of my changed relationship status, the single friends are the ones I'm still closest to. I hope I can be gracious and thoughtful about including them in our activities once I'm married. I intend to be. In defense of married people and their tendency to pull away -- marriage is a big adjustment. It's going to take a lot for me to get used to having someone want me home, cooking meals, doing finances together etc, let alone just the adjustments of living with a man. In my situation, my fiance is a fairly new Christian. He lost most of his single friends when he got saved due to big lifestyle differences. I want him to have accountability and support in his walk with God outside of me. I also realize it may take us to do some intentional bonding with couples to help initiate some of those relationships. Obviously, he will be my priority, and his walk with God should be ours. Sometimes there are circumstances within a marriage that outsiders can't see. I hope my single friends are able to be understanding of my situation too.

64. DG said the following at 1:33 PM on Jan 27:

Hi Suzanne,

I know that it is a fact that some friendships will be for a season and it's all part of God's plan.

I have recently experienced this with one of my mentors. I did not realize that the friendship and mentorship would only last for a season. I assumed she would be my mentor for life. However, just because the season has changed as well as our friendship does not mean that we can not still be friends. The friendship
is different now and it took time for me to accept it--despite the tinge of sadness.

I appreciate that you shared the truth that if one is making new friends throughout one's life, one's friendships with others will change.
Interestingly enough as my friendship changed with my mentor, God has brought two new peers into my life as friends. God has answered my prayers for friends! :-)

I am now praying for new mentors and accountability couples. The accountability couples will be when in the future I will enter the courtship, engagement, and marriage phases in life. I still do not know when that will be. All I know is that God is in control and it will be in His perfect timing. :-)

65. Jen said the following at 8:37 AM on Jan 28:

This topic has been on my mind and heart for the past year or so. I'm still single, while all of my close friends are married w/ kids. I would love to have that world, it's just the Lord hasn't blessed me with that at this point in my life. As Suzanne said how her friendships have changed once she was married, it's the same thing from the other side of the coin. I see that I have hardly anything in common w/ my friends that are married now and I feel us drifting b/c of these major differences. But to me I don't want to drift and be "left out" so to speak. It's extremely difficult to be the single one. I know it would be better if I had people that were in the same stage of my life, but I don't. I've just been trying to figure this all out so I can keep these friendships that I love and not feel so left behind. I may check out your book Suzanne. I often pray about this topic.

66. Kate said the following at 1:48 PM on Jan 28:

Thanks for writing this Suzanne - I was thrilled for you having the baby but I did feel sad you might not be writing for Boundless any more so it's great to see your contributions here still! (I guess this is relevant to the post topic - not necessarily leaving all your single friends behind when you move into marriage/parenthood!)

I am like Jen (65), still single when most of my friends (especially my church friends) are married and having children. I totally understand how friendships can change over time as people's circumstances develop differently, but the problem with that is that those of us whose lives don't pan out on the same timeframe as others' end up without many friends left! That kind of loneliness doesn't seem like God's plan for us.

I am hugely grateful to a few close christian girl friends in particular, both of whom now have three children each who have stayed close to me through all those changes. What a blessing! I hope they also find it refreshing to have a friend whose circumstances are not the same as theirs and who can give a different perspective on their life etc. So I'd say yes friendships change but sometimes they last too!

67. B said the following at 1:06 PM on Jan 29:

To Kelly-1, who said that developing romantic feelings will determine the end of a friendship? Once it's spoken of openly and kindly, addressed... the friendship can not only live on, but grow deeper and stronger for it all.

Of course, it behooves both parties to be people of integrity and kindness, to say what they mean, and mean what they say, and want to continue the friendship.

The Christian tradition has a long history of men and women (single, professed religious, or otherwise), including but not limited to St. Francis and St. Clare, Jerome and several different noble Roman women, who have nurtured godly, chaste, cross-gender friendships.

Quite frankly, I think evangelicals would do very well to read Catholics on this. One of whom would be Keith Clark, a Franciscan Capuchin.

68. Molly said the following at 3:02 PM on Jan 29:

I have to say that I don't really understand the not-being-able-to-be-friends-with-single-people-if-I'm-married mentality and vice versa. Shouldn't a friendship be based on more than marital status? If your mutual singleness was all that brought you together, and you are genuinely left with nothing to talk about once that disappears, then that sounds like a pretty weak foundation and the friendship was likely to crumble regardless.

I say this because one of my closest friends recently married and nothing has changed between us. Literally. Nothing. Maybe it's because her husband is also my friend. Maybe it's because she has no children and no job so she still has time for me. Maybe it's because she doesn't constantly shoehorn her husband into conversations, nor do I talk much about "singleness" issues. Maybe it's because she doesn't expect me to "get" married life, and I don't expect her to pity me for being single (even though it's not a curse, though Boundless treats it like one). Maybe it's because I'm secretly disgusted by the way her husband treats her sometimes, and thus am not "discouraged" or jealous that she's married and I'm not.

I realize that marriage can change people's outlooks on life, but the ceremony is not a magical process that changes one's personality in a matter of minutes.

Also, I concur with the first three paragraphs of Robert Hall's (#47) post.

---

On the topic of opposite-sex friendships while married, I think that if you are a married person who is that determined for whatever reason to stay close with this opposite-sex friend, that you allow your husband/wife to be present and also become friends with this person. I think that if you INSIST on being alone with them, something weird is going on.

69. Sophie said the following at 4:09 PM on Jan 30:

Hi Ms. Suzanne and everyone!!
I'm not sure if I agree with this post. That has always been my problem with some of my married friends. As soon as they get married, that's it! No phone call, maybe once a year oe something :) The excuse they usually give is that they are not focusing on their husbands :s I'm not even sure what that means. I have a marriend friend that does superbly well. She still calls and we communicate. It's not like everytime during her single years but there are some that baffle me. Why should friendships change and die out. If both of you still love each other and want to make an effort to be in the other's lives, that's great. I'm not married but I know not to treat my single friends or others like that when they get married. Again, I've never been married so I don't understand their actions. I know I won't be like that. Just my two cents :)

70. BDB said the following at 12:04 AM on Jan 31:

Jason (#7) wrote:

>>Am I out of line in requesting she not invest as much time in these guy frienships? (some of them have been around for years)thanks for anyones advice.<<

Someone once said that if a man wants a woman's time to himself, he needs to propose...

71. I_choose_to_remain_anonymous said the following at 9:57 AM on Jan 31:

@Jason-I can understand you being concerned if the girl you are dating spends a lot of time with other guys. But, I don't think it's right to demand that she spend less time with her other guy friends. You and her might date for 1-2 years and then totally break up. She shouldn't have to give up her friends for you when she and you may never even work out. Honestly, I think that a girl or guy can have lots of opposite gender friendships and be perfectly fine. I think it depends on your maturity level and that you choose to remain faithful and in love to your boyfriend or girlfriend while still maintaining opposite gender friendships.

72. I_choose_to_remain_anonymous said the following at 10:04 AM on Jan 31:

"I think it depends on your maturity level and that you choose to remain faithful and in love to your boyfriend or girlfriend while still maintaining opposite gender friendships."

@ Jason-When I said this statement above, I meant a guy being faithful to a girl and a girl being faithful to a guy, I was not advocating homosexuality at all. I realized that my vagueness could be misinterpreted, so I wanted to clarify my thoughts to others. I believe that homosexuality is not a God-honoring lifestyle.

73. Kelly-1 said the following at 2:16 PM on Jan 31:

B (67) said:

"To Kelly-1, who said that developing romantic feelings will determine the end of a friendship? Once it's spoken of openly and kindly, addressed... the friendship can not only live on, but grow deeper and stronger for it all.
"

That's the ideal, isn't it. Sadly, it happens very rarely in real life.

Do you have a real (21st century) example you can share with us, from your own life? All of my examples result in the opposite: despite assurances that, "We can still be friends," ultimately one person has cut off the other.

74. Jo said the following at 4:30 PM on Jan 31:

73. Kelly-1 said the following at 2:16 PM on Jan 31:

"That's the ideal, isn't it. Sadly, it happens very rarely in real life."

In all seriousness, I've experienced exactly that ideal, and several times. If a guy friend expresses interest in me, I respectfully turn him down and then my default position is to act the same towards him as I always have. If he backs off or whatever, fair enough - I respond to his signals and if he needs space I give him space. What I DON'T do is assume that just because he's interested in me, the friendship needs to become awkward or he needs me to change my behaviour. I could list three guys off the top of my head who this has happened with, and who I remained friends with afterwards and am still good friends with now. Another couple who I stayed friends with but we've since grown apart. I'm still on good terms with both my ex-boyfriends as well. If both people want to remain friends, there is absolutely no reason why they shouldn't. If one is not willing though, there's not much you can do.

75. Leah said the following at 4:28 AM on Feb 1:

Interesting article, and one that seems to hit close to home for many readers!

I think rapidly changing friendships are just a part of my 20-something life right now. The old childhood friends: we've grown up and become different people than we were back in the day. We've gone to different colleges and just had different lives. You study abroad and make incredible bonds, but who knows when or if you will ever see those people face-to-face again. At college, you're only with people for around 4 years, and then they graduate and move across the state or across the world. Friends who've stuck close through it all nevertheless do get boyfriends, get married, have babies. Their priorities and interests change.

....*sigh* but there is a Friend who sticks closer than a brother!

#14--like some other introverts who've posted, as an introvert myself I can tell you I do too need people!! Just not crowds of them^^ I am content with one or two *very* close friends so I don't really go seeking to make other friends. It's not that I don't like people, I just get content with the relationships I do have and don't go out of my way to make more.

On the fellow who was wondering about girlfriend's time with male friends: if you're not engaged or married, I don't think you have any right to tell her what she should do with her friends. I don't know the situation or how long you've been together etc., but to my way of thinking "boyfriend and girlfriend" don't have the responsibilities toward each other like engaged and married do. I'd talk to her about it but from reading your post you just sound a bit insecure.
But this is coming from someone who keeps guys in the "acquaintance" category and doesn't like to get close with them. :P

76. emorahbren said the following at 12:41 PM on Feb 1:

some friends are there for a season, thats why i could say once you get a new friend love each other like its the last day and utilise the time God's given you at that particular moment and when time to move on comes, you move on while you are still a blessing because the longer you delay instead of moving forward you become a curse.We have stages in life which are seasons to us Christians and we like it or not they come to an end, apart from the marriage which connects you and you are one but the rest of the relationships they are seasonal, yes i can't rule out the fact that some are for a life time but most are for a season. Every dimension you move in the Lord joins you to people in that dimension you speak the same language when you try to get back to the old dimension, they won't understand you at all

77. B said the following at 12:20 AM on Feb 2:

Kelly-1 (73) asked:

Thanks for asking. Yes, living it right now. Am 28, got to befriend and know someone at school Jan. 2010, developed a crush, spent lots of time together with others throughout summer hiking and received ++ confusing body language signals: like his head on my shoulder, him giving me an unasked-for footrub. Began to catch a glimmer that the two of us might be speaking a very different touch language (me Asian, him not, the only child of very physically affectionate parents).

Prayed, prayed and prayed some more, not for my will, but God's truth... more than that, the empowerment to live congruent to the reality that was being revealed.

One week of spending 22 hours just the two of us at the end of summer precipitated our conversation. He saw what it was costing me emotionally even to try to address the question of my attraction, despite his extreme aversion to entering confrontation without extensive prior planning, asked 2 Q's, thus ascertaining the truth of my crush. He was so nervous he was shaking at the end of it.

Both of us expected the sky to fall. It didn't. :P We still had something to say to each other after the admission. Confronted him about confusing and possibly harmful body language. He accepted criticism with good grace, asked forgiveness, had also repented.

I personally entered intense period of grief at the dying of the possibility of a relationship, once firmly spoken of. By the grace of God, the grieving period lasted 1/2 the time I had predicted it might, because I learned something new about friendship.

He is a man who is deeply invested in friendship. I am a person who makes friends for life. Both of us, separately, began to learn of the Christian church's long tradition of cross-gender, intimate friendship.

Was away in late October for 2 weeks, read Keith Clark, came back into town much clearer about my commitment to the furtherance of the faith in my own country, proud of him for his commitment to the furtherance of faith in his (precise impact on why he was not dating while studying away from home), know that I love him and will always do so, but do not need to belong to him or have him belong to me... hence now platonic friendship.

Friendship has deepened from that point on... no further complications. My life is richer for the events of last year. The Lord be praised!

78. Jo said the following at 5:11 PM on Feb 2:

Kelly:

Further to #77, I forgot to mention I've been on this side of it too. Similar experience. Much harder this way round, but yes I'm still friends with the guy and everything is fine between us. Took a while for me to feel completely okay about it, but we both made sure the friendship survived.

Contributors

About Us

Relevant Boundless Articles

SUBSCRIBE VIA EMAIL

Newer Post | Older Post

Un-Friending
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 01/25/2011 at 8:15 AM

Christian Community | Mail This | Share on Facebook

Comments

You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

1. Josh said the following at 8:38 AM on Jan 25:

2. Evie said the following at 9:00 AM on Jan 25:

3. B. Marie said the following at 9:02 AM on Jan 25:

4. Suzanne Hadley Gosselin said the following at 9:18 AM on Jan 25:

B. Marie #3:

5. DannieA said the following at 11:05 AM on Jan 25:

6. Gina said the following at 11:26 AM on Jan 25:

I can't tell you how grateful I am that they're that kind of people. Would that there were more like them! Thank God for friendships that are based on more than just a shared relationship status.

7. Jason said the following at 11:34 AM on Jan 25:

8. Kelly-1 said the following at 12:00 PM on Jan 25:

---

Finally, Suzanne, did your friend Melissa ever marry?

9. Prickly Pete said the following at 1:08 PM on Jan 25:

Jason (#7):

I would appriciate an opinion on how much time she should spend/invest in her frienships with other guys. Am I out of line in requesting she not invest as much time in these guy frienships? (some of them have been around for years)thanks for anyones advice.

10. Colin said the following at 1:19 PM on Jan 25:

11. Morgan said the following at 2:11 PM on Jan 25:

This is a very interesting discussion and one that one of my friends and I just had in the car for an hour about.

Several conclusions were reached:

12. Michelle (Cdn in the UK) said the following at 2:14 PM on Jan 25:

13. Tamara (from Canada) said the following at 2:34 PM on Jan 25:

14. Mrs. H said the following at 2:38 PM on Jan 25:

Morgan (#11):

15. anonymous said the following at 3:39 PM on Jan 25:

I remember being really hurt when a friend moved and I found out randomly on facebook months later. We had drifted, I guess, but... it hurt. I want closure! I

16. Kellie said the following at 3:49 PM on Jan 25:

My two best friends and I have made the effort to keep up our friendship even though we are in different places in geography and in life. We don't see each other that often, but we connect often.

That said, I have made some new friends with whom it seems all we have in common is that we are mothers of small children and Christians, but that's good too.

17. Katie said the following at 4:13 PM on Jan 25:

Morgan,

18. Rachelle said the following at 4:47 PM on Jan 25:

In the Ethics, Artistotle says that such friendships are rare, because such good souls are rare!

19. Kelly-1 said the following at 5:24 PM on Jan 25:

Morgan - are any of your guy friends married/in serious dating relationships? If so, are you friends with the girls too?

I know that my male friends, once married, have deliberately withdrawn from the deep friendship with me. I'm fine with that; it's healthier that way for his marriage.

20. Angie Marie said the following at 5:55 PM on Jan 25:

21. James said the following at 8:21 PM on Jan 25:

As a result I'm out on my own quite a bit... in a sense it gives me satisfaction that I'm confident and easy going enough to do my own thing. Plus it makes for some interesting nights.

22. Gwen said the following at 8:22 PM on Jan 25:

23. Texas Craig said the following at 10:46 PM on Jan 25:

24. brx said the following at 11:17 PM on Jan 25:

"un-friending"... that sounds kind of intentional, like someone deserves some clear communication and closure. Are you giving that, or making assumptions based on "cues" you interpret?

Grace & peace on all your bridges...

25. Johnny said the following at 12:12 AM on Jan 26:

26. Lindsay said the following at 1:10 AM on Jan 26:

I have had the misfortune of holding onto a friendship that was no longer what it started out as. The result was a complete disaster!

27. Charles H. said the following at 4:07 AM on Jan 26:

@Kelly-1, while your advice may be correct, I don't think we know enough to say for sure. What exactly is Jason (#7) defining as inappropriate?

28. aleksandra said the following at 5:11 AM on Jan 26:

in college, i felt i was building my foundations...finding friends who will be there for life, the ones who will care for me if i get cancer, or cheer with me for my first baby's birth.

three years after graduation, i find myself completely friendless, and it's as though college never happened.

sam johnson said, "the man who does not make new friends as he moves through life will soon find himself friendless."

29. aleksandra said the following at 5:15 AM on Jan 26:

30. JamesUK said the following at 5:57 AM on Jan 26:

31. B said the following at 6:53 AM on Jan 26:

32. Ashley said the following at 8:07 AM on Jan 26:

Some of these comments make me sad.

33. KarissaM said the following at 9:48 AM on Jan 26:

34. tvgirl said the following at 10:19 AM on Jan 26:

a friendship should not be affected by marriage, because there are other things to connect over besides your relationship status. discuss your day, the bible, people you know, whatever.

35. Cairna said the following at 10:32 AM on Jan 26:

I just wanted to chime in with Johnny #25 about the introvert/extrovert thing.

I'm an introvert, but friendships mean the world to me. In fact, I think that they mean much more to me than if I were gregarious and made friends easily.

I'm very sad when I lose a friendship. I'm all the more sad because of how long and hard I had to work to establish that friendship.

36. Nicole said the following at 10:40 AM on Jan 26:

KarissaM #33

37. Elizabeth (from Canada) said the following at 10:55 AM on Jan 26:

38. LA said the following at 10:55 AM on Jan 26:

This is long, yeah, I know. I'm out. :-)

39. Suzanne Hadley Gosselin said the following at 11:11 AM on Jan 26:

40. Bekah Hope said the following at 11:25 AM on Jan 26:

41. Renee said the following at 11:29 AM on Jan 26:

@Morgan (#11)

42. Renee said the following at 11:32 AM on Jan 26:

@Johnny (#25)

43. Heather said the following at 11:35 AM on Jan 26:

I agree with #24 and #34.

44. Ashley said the following at 11:45 AM on Jan 26:

Bekah Hope #40 - Solidarity, Sister! *fistbump* ;)

Suzanne: I'm with Kelly-1, How's Melissa doing these days? :)

45. a said the following at 12:27 PM on Jan 26:

46. Ann said the following at 2:54 PM on Jan 26:

47. Robert Hall said the following at 3:26 PM on Jan 26:

This really sounds more to me like a problem that married couples need to overcome, but sometimes refuse to.

48. Beth C said the following at 4:48 PM on Jan 26:

49. aleksandra said the following at 5:07 PM on Jan 26:

"If my not being a Dr. Phil type for your marriage counts me out in the close friendship department, then perhaps a new understanding of friendship needs to be had by married couples."

EXCELLENT POINT!! :)

50. Leeandra said the following at 5:17 PM on Jan 26:

Thank you Robert Hall (#47) for pointing out the obvious about opposite-sex friendships.

Having a close friend of the opposite sex is not adultery. Other people seeing you talking to a close friend of the opposite sex is not adultery. Adultery is adultery.

51. Renee said the following at 6:17 PM on Jan 26:

@Beth (#48)

52. Elizabeth said the following at 6:24 PM on Jan 26:

53. Suzanne Hadley Gosselin said the following at 6:37 PM on Jan 26:

54. Amy Lynn said the following at 9:02 PM on Jan 26:

55. DannieA said the following at 10:43 PM on Jan 26:

Ms. H, Johnny, and Renee,

I'm an extrovert...although I classify myself as a lazy extrovert because I also have quite a bunch of phlegmatic tendencies as well as Sanguine (whoo those are old terms for personality tests)

56. Leah said the following at 11:57 PM on Jan 26:

Marriage obviously had no play in these circumstances so I think Robert Hall is a bit off-kilter with his accusation against married couples.

57. B said the following at 11:59 PM on Jan 26:

What a world it opens up, and what it teaches one about intimacy... may you so be blessed.

58. Kim said the following at 12:13 AM on Jan 27:

It is always sad to lose friendships, but I believe the Lord let's it happen. Sort of a 'pruning' of friendships that have just ran their course, so that we can keep bearing fruits.

Last year I left a certain church and lost 90% of my friends there. It hurt, but I don't consider it a loss. God replaced with friends who truly care for me and push me closer to Him.

A true friend will want God's best for you, even if that means letting you go so you move forth in the direction God is leading.

59. Morgan said the following at 8:06 AM on Jan 27:

60. Megan said the following at 8:24 AM on Jan 27:

:-/ Been there and done that.

I'm single. I have no prospect for marriage, much more a desire to marry (right now). I'm 26 - so you can imagine how my friendships have changed recently.

61. Martha Krienke said the following at 9:12 AM on Jan 27:

#18 Rachelle
Thanks for suggesting C.S. Lewis' book The Four Loves. I've never read it, but it sounds like a great read with Valentine's Day just around the corner!

62. Kelly-1 said the following at 11:06 AM on Jan 27:

57. B asked:

"have some of you (married or single) never been blessed by having intimate, chaste, non-genital, cross-gender friendships?"

No. Not when you put the word "intimate" in there. The friendship may have SEEMED like that, but one of us inevitably developed romantic feelings for the other.

Also, in my experience, if I'm the single one and my male friend is dating, he gradually becomes closer to his GF and doesn't need me any more.

Is it different for single guys who are close friends with non-single girls?

Or are you speaking of cases where you have known each other for years, so long that you truly feel like brother-sister?

---

Suzanne, thanks for answering the question! If she ever does marry, I'm sure we'd love to hear the joyful news.

63. sarah said the following at 11:07 AM on Jan 27:

64. DG said the following at 1:33 PM on Jan 27:

Hi Suzanne,

I know that it is a fact that some friendships will be for a season and it's all part of God's plan.

65. Jen said the following at 8:37 AM on Jan 28:

66. Kate said the following at 1:48 PM on Jan 28:

67. B said the following at 1:06 PM on Jan 29:

Of course, it behooves both parties to be people of integrity and kindness, to say what they mean, and mean what they say, and want to continue the friendship.

Quite frankly, I think evangelicals would do very well to read Catholics on this. One of whom would be Keith Clark, a Franciscan Capuchin.

68. Molly said the following at 3:02 PM on Jan 29:

I realize that marriage can change people's outlooks on life, but the ceremony is not a magical process that changes one's personality in a matter of minutes.

Also, I concur with the first three paragraphs of Robert Hall's (#47) post.

---

69. Sophie said the following at 4:09 PM on Jan 30:

70. BDB said the following at 12:04 AM on Jan 31:

Jason (#7) wrote:

>>Am I out of line in requesting she not invest as much time in these guy frienships? (some of them have been around for years)thanks for anyones advice.<<

Someone once said that if a man wants a woman's time to himself, he needs to propose...

71. I_choose_to_remain_anonymous said the following at 9:57 AM on Jan 31:

72. I_choose_to_remain_anonymous said the following at 10:04 AM on Jan 31:

"I think it depends on your maturity level and that you choose to remain faithful and in love to your boyfriend or girlfriend while still maintaining opposite gender friendships."

73. Kelly-1 said the following at 2:16 PM on Jan 31:

B (67) said:

That's the ideal, isn't it. Sadly, it happens very rarely in real life.

74. Jo said the following at 4:30 PM on Jan 31:

73. Kelly-1 said the following at 2:16 PM on Jan 31:

"That's the ideal, isn't it. Sadly, it happens very rarely in real life."

75. Leah said the following at 4:28 AM on Feb 1:

Interesting article, and one that seems to hit close to home for many readers!

....*sigh* but there is a Friend who sticks closer than a brother!

76. emorahbren said the following at 12:41 PM on Feb 1:

77. B said the following at 12:20 AM on Feb 2:

Kelly-1 (73) asked:

Prayed, prayed and prayed some more, not for my will, but God's truth... more than that, the empowerment to live congruent to the reality that was being revealed.

Friendship has deepened from that point on... no further complications. My life is richer for the events of last year. The Lord be praised!

78. Jo said the following at 5:11 PM on Feb 2:

Kelly:

If you'd like to leave a comment, click here. I couldn't get the commenting feature to work correctly here, but it is available on that less user-friendly mobile version of the blog. Yeah, it's kludgy. Sorry. ~Ted.

Un-Friending
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 01/25/2011 at 8:15 AM

Comments

Post a comment*

External Links

Recent Posts

Recent Comments

Archives

Contributors

About Us

Relevant Boundless Articles

SUBSCRIBE VIA EMAIL

Un-Friending
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 01/25/2011 at 8:15 AM

Comments

Un-Friending by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 01/25/2011 at 8:15 AM

Comments

Post a comment*

External Links

Recent Posts

Recent Comments

Archives

Contributors

About Us

Relevant Boundless Articles

SUBSCRIBE VIA EMAIL

Un-Friending by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 01/25/2011 at 8:15 AM

Comments

Un-Friending
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 01/25/2011 at 8:15 AM

Un-Friending
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 01/25/2011 at 8:15 AM