What to Look for in a Mate from A-Z

What to Look for in a Mate from A-Z
by Candice Watters on 04/02/2010 at 10:30 AM

A while back I was with a group of friends studying what the Bible says about being female. It was a lively discussion and at one point, we turned to Proverbs 31. I've always loved that passage, even when it made me feel completely inadequate, because it helped me to aim at a lofty goal. Until that day, however, I viewed the passage as a description of a woman who's at least 60; someone well seasoned by life's experiences with the maturity to show for it.

These verses still inspire me to strive for excellence, but now I see them differently. Though they're about a married woman in the context of her family, they were written primarily for young men to remind them that women who make good wives are hidden. Like precious gems they're hard to find. It takes looking. It takes work. It takes diligence.

For women, these verses are vital instruction for what should make them desirable for marriage. Did you know Proverbs 31 was written as an acrostic. Each verse starting with verse 10 (the "Wife of Noble Character" section) begins with a successive letter of the Hebrew alphabet. It's a veritable checklist for marrying well; the "what to look for when you're looking for a wife."

In an effort to make it practical, I've written my own version. An English A-Z checklist.

If you're a man, ask yourself, is this woman I'm dating:

A -- Aware; of the big picture, of the world around her
B -- a Believer
C -- open to having Children
D -- Dignified
E -- Excellent in her pursuits
F -- Full of Faith
G -- Gracious
H -- Honorable
I -- Inventive
J -- Just
K -- Kind
L -- Loving
M -- Modest
N -- Noble
O -- Obedient to the authority in her life
P -- Pure
Q -- capable of being Quiet
R -- Resourceful
S -- Skilled, Stable
T -- Trustworthy
U -- Under Authority
V -- Victorious
W -- a Worshipper
X -- an eXample to others
Y -- Yearning for God
Z -- full of Zoe "life of God"

If you're wondering, like I did, if there's a companion chapter to Proverbs 31 (for men), check out Job 29. I can thank my favorite professor from Graduate School, Dr. Hubert Morken, for framing it that way.

And now the companion list for guys -- an A-Z for being a godly man. If you're a woman dating someone or considering it, ask yourself, Is he:

A -- Accountable
B -- a Believer
C -- Courageous
D -- Discerning
E -- an Example for other, younger men
F -- Faithful
G -- Gentle, Generous
H -- Husbandlike
I -- an Initiator
J -- Just
K -- Kind
L -- a Leader
M -- Masculine
N -- Noble
O -- Obedient to God
P -- able to Provide
Q -- Quick-witted
R -- Resourceful
S -- a Sage
T -- Trustworthy
U -- Under Authority
V -- Vigorous
W -- a good Worker
X -- eXcellent in his efforts
Y -- Yearning for God
Z -- Zealous for righteousness

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Comments

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1. Andrea-Elena said the following at 5:30 PM on Apr 1:

*thumbs-up*

I remember these lists from y'all's previous blog, Mrs. Watters -- some of my favorite posts. Thanks for adding them here! =)

2. Princess said the following at 8:51 PM on Apr 1:

Thanks Candice, I´ve never thought of Job 29 a male version of Proverbs 31! both lists are right on target!

3. Sarah (RS) said the following at 9:44 PM on Apr 1:

I've seen Psalm 1 considered the male's counterpart to Proverbs 31: a man who walks in righteousness & refuses to participate in the doings of the wicked, succinctly put. That struck me because it was a psalm I memorized when I was a child.

4. Phoebe said the following at 10:41 PM on Apr 1:

I like C for ladies --open to Children. You rock, Candice! What's the parallel for men, though? Job 29 says he is surrounded by his children. And a young man who appreciates and can relate to children is a gem.

And H for men -- husbandlike? Isn't that in a way the point of the list? How about Humble?

5. meganblaire said the following at 8:41 AM on Apr 2:

Thank you for the reminder, Candice! I long ago printed this list and have it hanging in a prominent place in my home. I look to it many times as I pray for the Lord to change me into a marriable woman.

I once had Proverbs 31 and Job 29 printed out side by side; such beautiful companionship. Thank you for reminding me what I should really be focusing on as I encounter single men.

6. SirTurtle said the following at 10:13 AM on Apr 2:

Quick witted?

Not sure what this means or how it helps.

7. Alexander said the following at 4:44 PM on Apr 2:

Plz answer me this:
How does one become "Quick-witted"????(guys Q)

8. Matt said the following at 9:02 PM on Apr 2:

Great post Candice. Thanks!

9. Larissa said the following at 2:31 AM on Apr 3:

Wow, what a cool idea for a blog post :D

10. Kesha said the following at 4:09 AM on Apr 3:

Currently crushing on a guy who meets that list. However am still working on fully meeting the female counterpart to it.

Agreed. H should be for Humble. or Humour? Great sense of humour...

11. Charles said the following at 6:20 AM on Apr 3:

"O" - Obedient to the Authority in her Life.

At some point Boundless and its various writers should get clear and clean about this kind of thing and what it means. I can readily find a handful of churches within an hour of me who can and sometimes do take things like this to bad extremes.

The significance is that I would never entertain a relational possibility with a woman who *chose* to put herself in a control-freak church where things like a worst-case scenario of "biblical dating" was practiced and enforced. The adoption of these notions would have all kinds of implications for the health the marriage; indeed for her life with God as well, and probably for her own social development.

Under "U" -- Under authority -- we see the the same meme repeated a different away.

12. BDB said the following at 1:44 PM on Apr 3:

Quick-witted means they had to do something with the letter Q.

And Quirky doesn't do it for some people.

13. a said the following at 6:44 PM on Apr 3:

interesting to see this blog just now. I was thinking about the Proverbs 31 woman just earlier today and sadly realizing how much I fall short. But it is true that the Prov 31 woman doesn't have to be 60 yrs old... I spent this last summer working with a young missionary family and was completely inspired by what an amazing, Godly woman the wife is - and she's a fairly young woman.
Thinking about the kind of guy I am "looking for", I realize that probably if I met such a guy, he wouldn't be interested in me because I'm not what I need to be in terms of being a Godly, mature, Prov 31 woman. So much to work on.

14. Peter said the following at 5:49 AM on Apr 4:

Q = Quality.

Might cost a more, but it's long-lasting, consistent, works like it's supposed to

15. Mandie said the following at 2:06 PM on Apr 4:

C for women is a little hard for me, as somebody who probably never can have children. My fiancé was willing to accept this. Will we adopt? We don't know yet. That requires quite a bit of financial material that's not available to us as of now or probably in the next ten years.

16. Kesha said the following at 3:01 PM on Apr 4:

#11: sermons from monergism.com pointed me to teaching where I learnt that submitting myself to the various authorities put into place in my life
(God, Parents more importantly, but also others like the government etc.) are reflective of how likely a woman will submit to the headship role of her (future) husband.
Almost like practicing subservience to the order that God himself has designed since the beginning..

17. Jessica said the following at 5:00 PM on Apr 4:

I'd have no problem having the "Q" on the women's list copied over to the men's list as well. :) Knowing when to AND being able to "keep quiet" is a virtue that should apply to men and women. I know that the same is true for many on both lists, probably the majority. I want a husband who is a Worshipper, and I want to be Courageous. Both lists show ample opportunity for growth in my own life.

18. Belle said the following at 5:09 PM on Apr 4:

If I may, the "C" for children raises a question for me.

At my age (33), I've written off ever having biological children of my own, given that I'm not seeing anyone right now, and even if I were to meet someone relatively soon and eventually get married, I would be past the age of 35 by the time I could even think of conceiving, which has always been a "no-go" area for me.

While I've made peace with the fact that I may not ever have kids (I won't entirely rule out adoption at this point-but don't most places cut you off from that after the age of 40?) I have not made peace with the thought of spending my life alone.

Is it wrong for me to still desire a Godly marriage even if I know children are unlikely for me? Is it possible that God intends for me to bless others and do his work through means other than my reproductive capabilities?

Before anyone flames me for being selfish and not marrying younger, please know that I've never been against marriage-I really just haven't met that man yet. I came close once in my early to mid-twenties (before I was a Christian) and I walked away because I knew the marriage would eventually end in divorce (and what was the point of a marriage if you were already expecting the divorce)but have not had a serious relationship since. Trust me, becoming a Christian has not worked miracles for my dating life-it's done quite the opposite.

But really, given my age-does not being open to getting pregnant really make me unsuitable wife? Is this really a deal-breaker? This has been on my mind lately...

19. Christy said the following at 8:44 PM on Apr 4:

BDB...

Thanks for the laugh. :) I think your comment illustrated a quick wit.

On similar lines, perhaps this quality could signify someone who is resourceful or solutions-oriented.

20. Phoebe said the following at 9:44 PM on Apr 4:

Belle, being open to children can mean other things as well. It means the desire to nurture the young, the openness to having them in your life, whatever form that may take. You might be a wonderful aunt now, or mentor, or teacher. And more if you get married

I would like to know why you cut the line at age 35? Yes, there are risks, but the decline of fertility means you might not conceive anyway. But if you did, wouldn't it be a gift from God even if it was hard?

I know that sounds naive, but it's the only way I know how to ask the question.

21. Heather said the following at 12:07 AM on Apr 5:

Loved Prov 31 for years now, so this was an awesome read. Thanks for posting this! Though I do have to wonder as I was reading through the lists whether it should be something that we (and our future mates) have now, or are they traits that we can trust God for in the future as the relationship develops. The only people who sort of fulfill the criteria are mentors and married to wives who had to walk their journey with them.

22. Priscilla said the following at 12:12 AM on Apr 5:

I've always found Proverbs 31 both intimidating and inspiring...I think it was Wendy Virgo who once wrote an excellent version for the modern woman.

I agree with Jessica (#17) that a lot of things on the two lists could and should be interchangeable -- both men and women should have many of those qualities.

In that context, I'm bit confused by the double standards in your "O" items: is it that you don't think women should be obedient to God, or is it that you don't think men have authorities in their lives whom they need to be obedient to?

23. EM said the following at 7:52 AM on Apr 5:

Belle, it might be a deal breaker for some guys but not for all. Just as an example, what if you were to meet a widower with child, would you be open to that possibility. Openness to children need not mean "ability to become pregnant."

24. Julie said the following at 8:49 AM on Apr 5:

Belle 18--you just never know! I am in my late 30s and I have lots of friends my age having babies, some for the first time. Yes, risks increase, but most pregnancies in the late 30s go fine. Do you think you are overestimating the risk of a problem based on something other than statistics?

I don't know a lot about adoption but I think rules vary depending on where you are and from where you would adopt.

25. Tami said the following at 9:31 AM on Apr 5:

Re: "O" for men v. women

I understand what you're getting at, but the way it is, it sort of implies that guys need only be obedient to God, not authority (ever met a guy who claims to only be accountable to God? Those guys tend to be the LEAST accountable to anyone), and for women, it sounds like they *need* an intermediary who interprets the Bible and distills God's will for them.

I would say that BOTH should read "Obedient to God and those to whom he (she) is accountable" -- yeah, way longer, I know...

26. Gina said the following at 10:01 AM on Apr 5:

#26 -- well said, Tami.

27. Tami said the following at 10:15 AM on Apr 5:

Thanks, Gina. :)

I realize, I should say that overall I think the lists are really helpful!

28. Lydia H. said the following at 10:38 AM on Apr 5:

I just wanted to mention Titus 1:5-9 listing the Biblical qualifications for an elder to be an excellent list to consider when evaluating a potential husband.

Here are a few qualifications:
Blameless
Not self-willed (selfish, self-centered)
Not soon angry
Not given to wine (a drunkard or alcoholic)
No Striker
Not given to filthy lucre (greedy, make poor ethical choices based on desire for money)
A lover of hospitality
A lover of good men (keeps good company)
Sober (mature, takes the things of God and His word seriously)
Just
Holy (love for God and a desire to be like Him)
Temperate

I had never thought of the Job 29 passage in this light. I went back to read it and actually found it confusing and a bit stretched for how it applies to this area.

Maybe that is just my notion. Any other thoughts on the Job 29 passage or Titus 1 passage?

You could also read other passages that give biblical qualifications for elders/deacons for what to look for in a godly man, i.e. 1 Timothy 3:1-7.

29. Candice Watters said the following at 10:48 AM on Apr 5:

Tami, good clarification. This post was a reworking of what, originally, were two separate posts. I suspect I would have tweaked them if they had begun as side-by-sides.

Obviously, from the the comments, these lists aren't definitive. Multiple words could go in most of those letter-slots.

Finally, I agree with the commenter who said openness to children doesn't guarantee or even require the ability to conceive.

30. Hunter W said the following at 11:30 AM on Apr 5:

I try to model my life after Psalm 112:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%20112&version=NIV

31. Lola said the following at 5:56 PM on Apr 5:

Men should have to be "pure" too.

32. Al said the following at 7:00 PM on Apr 5:

I'm a leery of lengthy checklists. Call me cynical, but most humans simply don't measure up-- they show signs of God's grace here and there, but few really hit all the marks-- and if God really calls most humans into marriage, I'm not sure how to square that with lists of non-negotiables that would render much of mankind unsuitable for marriage, including Adam and Eve.

Besides, dim-witted and less-than-vigorous folks need hope too.

Sometimes I think it might be easier just to keep things simple-- someone who knows Christ and is pursuing God, someone who loves people or desires to, someone who is wise or is growing in wisdom, someone you are attracted to (people will debate this), and add a *few* practical particulars for potential family or your unique personality and situation, and then from there, take people as a whole to see what you can deal with and what you can't.

There's no harm in challenging folks to aim high for themselves-- that's our lifelong calling in following Christ, but I'm just a tad uncomfortable with stark lists that would weed out folks that happen to come up a little short on a few qualities. It's also a little funny to see lengthy, intimidating spiritual and character prerequisites by gals, followed by: must be athletic, love children, dogs, animals, and the outdoors. I mean, are you looking for a husband or a park ranger?

And as a guy, I'm not looking for a gal who loves children. I'm not marrying a daycare. I'm looking for a gal who will love *our* children.

33. Belle said the following at 8:43 PM on Apr 5:

Thanks to 20, 23, and 24. To be honest, your comments are pretty much what I was thinking. I can't say that I'm thrilled at the prospect of dealing with "baby mama drama", but I've convinced myself that if he is God-sent, it's nothing that God doesn't think I can handle. Since I'm asking a man to evaluate and judge me where I am, as opposed to where I was even five or ten years ago, I absolutely need and want to do the same.

Seeing as I'm currently a middle school teacher, I'm definitely already open to serving kids in some capacity (when people ask if I have children, I tell them I have 150 of them, LOL.)

A recent date I went on with a man from my church was disheartening because it seemed that he was more interested in finding a woman to bear his children that he was in finding a woman to be his help-meet or partner (it seemed like a job interview for the position, TBH). Is this a realistic expectation-is this how men who actively attend church are? Was I being unreasonable to be turned off? I ask because its one of the few dates I've been on since I've decided to follow Christ.

However, I love the lists and the discussion they've generated.

34. Haley said the following at 10:16 PM on Apr 5:

I get kind of tired of articles on finding a mate but I found this list very good and helpful. I could never pinpoint exactly what I wanted in a husband (other than Christian) but this helps. thanks

btw, your actual picture is much nicer than the illustration.

35. Loris said the following at 7:16 AM on Apr 6:

Phoebe #20, I don't know Belle's reasons for setting the line at 35, but I know my reasons for not wanting to start a family after 35. My parents married late and had me when they were 37 and 40. I am an only child. When my dad was 52, he had a very bad stroke and became permanently disabled. With that stroke, I practically lost both parents because it took all of Mom's energy to care for him. A year after my dad's stroke, Mom and I were in a terrible car accident that put her in the hospital for over a month. I was 13 and left to care for my father. I know my story isn't typical, but it was hell. With middle age comes a steep rise in health problems for a lot of people, and I do not want a child of mine to be in the position I was at such a young age.

36. Margaret said the following at 8:27 AM on Apr 6:

Reading lists make me feel so inadequate I always think I have so much to improve on but how do you do that without falling into the trap of striving? It also keeps me worrying that if I every find an honourable man would he consider me honourable enough or would he be looking for the Prov 31 woman.

37. J said the following at 10:59 AM on Apr 6:

Belle #33,

A friend of mine had her first child at 37, and since, they have had 3 kids ! And dont forget Sarah wife of Abraham had hers when she was 90 !

Dont worry about age, and even if there were problems with the baby due to age of conception, I guess we have to trust the Lord (and I know that aint easy by any means)

For a start be thankful you are at least getting dates ! unlike some of the posts I've read :-)

38. J said the following at 11:12 AM on Apr 6:

And checklists? Any of us would at least have a mental checklist. But I hate checklists because it makes any disappointments worse (learn from me, haha)

Already in my mid 30s, I was contented, never felt the urge to marry (really), then I met this young Christian woman whom I got interested in, then I did soe researching and stumbled on Boundless and such checklists from various Christian sources.

Voila ... I am still convinced she is everything in Proverbs 31, someone I thought was fictional ...after observing her for a year, she turned me down. Ouch, that hurts.

So now, it's still her, or I wish I never met her, and I'd still be contented. So I am still figuring out how this is going to turn out ...

39. Tami said the following at 11:21 AM on Apr 6:

Al (32):

Thanks for writing this:

...as a guy, I'm not looking for a gal who loves children. I'm not marrying a daycare. I'm looking for a gal who will love *our* children.

I'm not a big "baby" or "kid" person, but that doesn't mean I'm closed to having children, and if I had children of my own, I would definitely love and care for them!

Belle (33):

Is this a realistic expectation-is this how men who actively attend church are?

No. Most seem to want kids... but that doesn't really come up until later, I think. The guy I met who *was* like that was a Christian but not a regular church attender. And yes, dates felt more like job interviews where he was judging my answers, rather than dates in which he actually got to know ME and I got to know HIM. He sort of insisted that -- after a couple dates -- I *should* have his view on how family life should be. I ended up telling him it wasn't going to work out because other than Christianity, we had completely different aims in life. (And we did.)

Was I being unreasonable to be turned off?

No -- he's not treating you like an individual, and not spending time getting to know YOU.

40. Adrienne said the following at 11:49 AM on Apr 6:

Thank you for the post Candice, I really appreciate clarity and honesty, coming from a so so christian home this gives me points that I can aim for and also pray for in my husband to be....

41. BI said the following at 11:59 AM on Apr 6:

In my opinion, if we follow all these lists, we will find our spouse one day in Heaven, where Jesus Christ’s perfect character will meet all our criteria. Unfortunately, here in this world we will never meet anyone who can measure up to all these set of criteria. We will only meet people with many good qualities but also with many flaws, which will discover over time. We are all sinners and no one is perfect. The Bible says it. Otherwise, why would we need a perfect Savior to die for us if we were so perfect and sinless?

However, the Bible also says that:

Proverbs 10:12 (New International Version)
12 Hatred stirs up dissension,
but love covers over all wrongs.

1 Peter 4:8
8Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Hence, the Bible actually shows that love is only love when it agrees to love someone who is imperfect, in spite of his many flaws. However, if we demand someone to meet our lists and criteria, we have no love, because we want to only gain, but refuse to give. And the primary drive for love is the desire to give something to someone unconditionally, without demanding anything in return. Jesus Christ gave his life for us, the undeserving, out of love without any obligations attached but only to give us the choice to accept God’s love and grace or reject them. We have the choice to accept this incredible, perfect love, or reject it. Christ gave his life so that we may know how great the love of the Father is for us regardless of our choice. Hence, if we are not willing to open our hearts and love someone in spite of his many flaws, we are not really living in love. However, if we open our hearts to a non-believer, we are opening our hearts to love Satan and the things of the world which are contrary to the life in the Spirit of the Light. The danger is that if we reject God’s love in Jesus Christ and we refuse to change our actions so that we may no longer live in sin but decide to live in the Spirit instead, we will be eternally separated from Christ’s love. And if we don’t have Christ’s love in our hearts and lives, how are we going to bring the kind of love that makes a marriage work between two flawed individuals who choose to love each other in spite of their many flaws?

42. James said the following at 12:45 PM on Apr 6:

J I understand how you feel, I wish I'd never met some of the girls that turned me down too.. but those are the experiences of life and make it what it is. That said, you have to get that girl out of your head. It's not healthy to dwell on it (as you probably know).

Question - what does "pure" mean? I hope it means being washed by Christ's blood - because that's the only way anyone is truly pure.

43. DJS said the following at 1:41 PM on Apr 6:

15. Mandie

Just a little suggestion. It sounds as if you are still contemplating adoption, but are unsure b/c of the financial implications. My cousin and her husband have adopted 9 children mainly b/c she was unable to have kids. Financially they could never do that under normal circumstances.

However, most states are now providing the adopting family with a monetary stipend for adopting kids with unique circumstances or special needs of some kind. Don't know if that is your thing or not, but if you have a heart for adopting kids like that it would probably be financially possible.

On a sidenote: these 9 kids are totally precious. They are the highlight of all our family get-togethers and the difference is night and day from where they were first adopted. The love and discipline of a Christian family is truly amazing.

44. EM said the following at 1:41 PM on Apr 6:

Belle #33,

Tami#39 is correct. You are not a "baby mama." You are an individual - a human being, made in the image of God, with dreams, ambitions, personality, unique interests, etc.

It is not unreasonable for a person to want to marry someone who shares their dreams, possibly including raising a family together, but it is unreasonable for him to be uninterested in you - except for your ability to produce and manage progeny.

In evaluating my marriage prospects, willingness to parent was important - but as one of many characteristics - not even the main one. In fact, it would have been a significant obstacle had my now fiance not been open to adoption - but his character, committment to the local church, respect for me, shared political beliefs, etc were the main attractions.

45. Al said the following at 3:37 PM on Apr 6:

Tami said, "I'm not a big 'baby' or 'kid' person, but that doesn't mean I'm closed to having children, and if I had children of my own, I would definitely love and care for them!"

There are gals I know who I joke with about disliking kids, but from their relationship with their mothers and siblings and the depth of their character, I know they'll be excellent mothers. Part of this stems from me not being a children person either. But I still catch myself thinking of life lessons I hope to impart on my hypothetical kids. The rest I'm pretty sure I'll figure out along the way.

46. Daniel B said the following at 3:57 PM on Apr 6:

Not sure why but apparently the letter Q isn't getting along with me. :)

"Q -- Quick-witted"

Because you're really in trouble if you marry a guy who is calculating and deliberate when it comes to humor!

"Q -- capable of being Quiet"

I've met too many women who are capable of being quiet. It'd be nice to occasionally find someone I like who is talkative enough to elaborate when I ask her about herself instead of giving the shortest response possible, and who likewise asks me questions about myself. How else are we supposed to get to know each other?

47. Andrea-Elena said the following at 4:07 PM on Apr 6:

AI (#32) said:

It's also a little funny to see lengthy, intimidating spiritual and character prerequisites by gals, followed by "must be athletic, love children, dogs, animals, and the outdoors." I mean, are you looking for a husband or a park ranger?

THANK YOU!!! Seriously, when are these outdoorsy folks going to be spending so much time outside? (Maybe I just don't get it b/c TN is not known for its outdoorsy-ness. Well, and I'm not outdoorsy either.)

I'm not hatin' on the outdoorsy folks. I could stand to be more active and would benefit (if not always like it) from my man's spurring me on to do fun things outside. But honestly, I'm pretty much a homebody, and I cannot imagine my future family getting stuff done at home, getting homework done, and preparing for the next day if we're constantly away in the evenings. Being on the go all the time is not the paradigm I'm envisioning creating with my husband for us and our kids.

And as a guy, I'm not looking for a gal who loves children. I'm not marrying a daycare. I'm looking for a gal who will love *our* children.

That's a great distinction! Luv the way you phrased it, as well. *thumbs-up*

I agree with ya. I know that not all men who want to be dads are gonna rush to hold the new babies at church. And though I love cuddling other people's babies and enjoy teaching kids of various elementary-school ages, I too don't really enjoy all children. I enjoy some of them. I know I would enjoy my own -- they'll be MINE. =D

I'm with ya -- to be people who will love our own kids and be great parents... and somehow for that trajectory to be detectable by someone who is considering you or me or whomever for marriage.

May you find the companion of your heart and life... and the future mother of your kids. May you continue to grow on a Christward trajectory and evidence that to the godly women who are observing you. =)

48. Andrea-Elena said the following at 7:25 PM on Apr 6:

Daniel B (#46):

Perhaps Candice meant quiet in the sense of Psalm 46:10 and 1 Peter 3:4, rather than silent or not communicative.

I totally agree with you: it's highly difficult and trying to attempt to get more out of a person one is conversing with (such that it's as if one is prying him/her open with a crowbar!!). I have had the same experience as you have: both with people in general and with men in particular. Even trying to figure out what questions would draw the person out more becomes challenging (maybe futile) when he or she will not give one enough information to follow up on.

I find the most rewarding, fulfilling conversations to be those that are characterized by long and short answers, remarks, laughter, hmms, observations, clarifying questions, and follow-up questions... and expressions of delight in finding things in common... and even acknowledgements that though the two of you may disagree on some points, the other has made a good, cogent argument as to why this or that point is valid for consideration.

To borrow (and paraphrase) from Jane Austen's Persuasion: "That isn't just good society---that is the best!"

49. Al said the following at 7:47 PM on Apr 6:

Hah, thanks for the well wishes, Andrea-Elena. I'm not naturally an outdoorsy person myself (obviously), so I asked my friends to take me to Yosemite to see what the fuss was all about. It was actually a rewarding experience-- there were a few incredible moments and I felt great for days from the exercise, but the whole enterprise involved six hours of snowshoeing up and down hills.

Somewhere along the way it hit me that folks now make a special point to be "outdoorsy" and those that stay under roofs are viewed with a certain distain, when all of human civilization and progress over thousands of years been about huddling together and getting *away* from the outdoors that could freeze you, drown you, disease you, and eat you. Our ancestors didn't have the luxury of dabbling with nature in goretex and SVUs and posting photos of their exploits on their match.com profiles.

50. david said the following at 8:41 PM on Apr 6:

Thanks for the list.
Where do I get training to be Quick-witted? And, isn't D and S the same?

51. David said the following at 8:52 PM on Apr 6:

Ok, I get it about quick-witted. Perhaps you meant mentally alert and not the quick-witted from hollywood movies.

52. s said the following at 10:18 AM on Apr 7:

as someone who isnt super outsdoorsey but lives in a very outdoorsey area....generally those people mean to say that, no, they dont leave the house every night of the week, but if they have an extra hour-theyd rather go for a walk than watch a tv show. Or, when the weekends come, their rest, relaxation, and fun time would be heading into nearby mtns for a walk, hike, or a day of skiing (pending on time of year of course), for family vacations they would rather head to anational park than a big city.

the funny thing is too how different parts of the country/differnt cultures define outdoorsy....in Colorado-outsdoorsy means heading to the mtns. In florida, outsdoorsy means enjoying chilling/playing at the beach, fishing, and maybe some light hunting. In the southern areas, my guess is outdoorsy is the woods, fishing, lakes, and hunting
all the same words...very different meanings!

53. s said the following at 10:20 AM on Apr 7:

i also find it interesting that we berate christians for expecting people to live up to really long lists...yet here are 2 lists that are incredibly long...

I also feel it should be mentioned as a companion piece....the man he will become or whatever it is called. basically, the one reminding women (and I think it can work the other way around) that a man at 25 is going to stil be growing and will NOT be the men you know who are 55 and 60. Seems these lists are great things to aspire to over life....but if my boyfriend is going to expect me to embody all of these at 25, then hes going to be sorely disappointed

54. Tami said the following at 11:09 AM on Apr 7:

Al (49) "Our ancestors didn't have the luxury of dabbling with nature in goretex and SVUs and posting photos of their exploits on their match.com profiles."

Hee hee :)

I agree with what S (52) says - I think "outdoorsy" means that, given the choice, they'd like to spend free time doing things in "nature" versus, say, going to the museum or watching movies.

Also that they're looking for someone willing to go camping or hiking and not freak out about bugs, dirt, etc.

55. Al said the following at 3:44 PM on Apr 7:

For what it's worth, I know a semi-homeless couple who aren't married but are engaged. I really respect the guy for being level headed, thoughtful, considerate, and being faithful with what he has right now. The guy wakes up at 5 to take a bus to his minimum wage job as a parking attendant and has been faithfully doing so for more than a year. We usually see eye to eye and get along pretty well.

The lady is able to be kind and nurturing but she's hardly able to "keep quiet". :) This is just as much an indicator of my failings and lack of patience, but hearing her somewhat high pitched and loud prattle for an extended amount of time (which is most of the time) is pretty grating to me-- especially when she seems either unconcerned with or unable to gague your interest level. She also has both physical difficulties and some mild learning disabilities and by most measures isn't particularly attractive physically.

I'm also irked when she complains about services that are free that she doesn't pay for, and as a survival instinct, she tends to call attention to her strengths and accomplishments so I wouldn't say she's completely "modest". She's also the more unrestrained one in arguments, and she's not quite as productive and resourceful as her fiance intends to be.

I've found myself becoming progressively more annoyed and judgemental towards her, and I realize that so much of this is just a violation of my comfort and what I feel to be appropriate. I'm simply unwilling most days to just love her for who she is-- and on my darker days I think her fiance can do so much better.

So I don't understand his care and loyalty to her, and I don't understand his love for her. She's not a horrible person, and she has her strengths and kindnesses, but in my judgement she glaringly lacks many of the qualities in these lists. But yet he loves her. It's a strange, accepting, Christlike love. It's a love that I secretly hope I'll never have to understand.

56. Lola said the following at 3:36 PM on Apr 8:

James #42,

Purity means sexual purity.

57. JVR from Denver said the following at 9:47 AM on Apr 9:

Whoa, whoa - are you trying to overwhelm people?

It wasn't hard enough already, you have to give men a 26 item-long checklist?

Gee, I wonder why there are so many unhappily single women.

58. Emily said the following at 5:40 PM on Apr 9:

I want to just let you all know that I don't agree with 100% of Focus on the Family or Boundless's stance on marriage. But, I really appreciated the A-Z standards.

I want to raise an issue I wrestled with in my early twenties and then on a more mild level as I have gotten older. This issue is that many women who are successful professionally and also believers in Jesus Christ still fall into relationships with men (Christian and not) who are self absorbed, disrespectful and dismissive. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear this happen to anybody (man, woman, Christian, or not Christian), but to observe this kind of pattern with my Christian girlfriends is very hurtful for me.

Does anybody have any advice about how to make sure that at least this doesn't happen to me? The Christian women I know who have been engaged in such relationships never "intended" to fall for the "character" they met, but something must have come undone.....

The last thing I want to do is to hobble in and out of a series of unfulfilling relationships.

59. Jim said the following at 1:40 AM on Apr 10:

Emily #58

On my last entry on "You're in Trouble" (Jim #59) may partly explain what you fear could happen. We can write a thesis or debate endlessly on such topics, but i think it ias basically:

1) Man's free will vs God's secret Sovereign will . We choose who to date and marry, God already knows, but He wont tell us. We go by faith, by obeying His known moral will... and things 'happen'. So whether there is "The One" or not depends on which angle you come from in such a debate.
2) In marriage, it is "for better or for worse". You are never going to know "everything" about your spouse in this lifetime. We make wise choices according what God has shown us and accept whatever consequences in a biblical way.

As I mentioned, I cant explain why, After more than 30 years, I suddenly met ONE person whom I would like to date (because I can see myself married to her for better or for worse), but even though she rejected me, I dont know if there is still a future with her, with no one, or with someone. All I can say is right now, live for God, and I'll wait for her, but it she does not change her mind, I have no desire to marry yet.

dont know if it makes sense...

60. Emily said the following at 4:18 PM on Apr 10:

@ Jim

I thank you for your response. I am sorry to hear about the woman you have your heart set on.

I think that although God gave us brains, the pull of feelings, physiological hormonal desires and sinful nature could be powerful enough to grab an undiscerning person and put him/her in a unhealthy and time wasting relationship.

I have been truly single free of dates and distractions that have snared me in the past when I knew what I should have looked for but was too stubbourn, immature and anxious to find it.

61. Heather said the following at 7:54 PM on Oct 22:

if you guys just googled "quick-witted" you would see it says this: Mentally alert and sharp; keen. so I would say another word for intelligent and/or stable as well as ready for anything that comes their way.

Great list, I will be saving this as I pray for my future husband and as I ask God to help me become the wife he needs me to be. :)

62. Nyaradzai Sithole said the following at 5:43 PM on Dec 3:

Hello Mrs Watters I've seen some of your articles they are good but I don't know if they are practical. I've seen articles concerning single christian women that they have a responsibility to make marriage happen.In your case it seemed like it worked out because by God's grace there was someone around who was interested at least and you were interested in. I am wondering how real it is for single women if in your scenario there is totally no one interested in you and noone your interested in what then do you do to create that. I also sensed this judgemental aspect in some articles towards single christian women its the same we get around at church, from married friends etc that we are not making things happen towards our getting married even after all the praying,fasting ,waiting, reading articles, etc there are so many conflicting advice from the marrieds and they seem to be impatient with the unmarrieds. The funny thing is some of them like I've noticed friends who were single were in the same scenario but once that marriage breakthrough came they will treat you like your so weird if it has not happened to you. What is up with that attitude from marrieds towards singles like they've been married all their life and you who are single are weird or your doing something wrong. Is there a God factor in all this. I'm not saying we don't want advice we do. There is too much criticism and judging going on towards singles its like a plague to be single your sent in this spin off. I've read articles from this site and this perfect picture is presented its not bad to have standards but so many people are still single even after changing themselves to be the perfect mate. I think as singles we need clarity yes, advice on changing yes but how do we get the right person after all the prayers etc some people stress on the God factor trussting God, others on preparing yourself, others on placing yourself strategically making yourself available, others pursuing without being noticed etc others on all this but there are still single people out there after following the advice.There are cases of good frustrated christian women who end up married to an unbeliever. There is so much pressure on singles. Some who are now married its like phew for them and they turn on those who are not married and begin to criticise , judge, come up with theories on why they are not married that sort of isolates singles and hurts singles people. Some of the articles we read seem to even fuel this. There are a lot of singles who are responsible financially etc, living in purity, doing all the right things but they get all this thrown in their face, the juddging and theories on why they are still unmarried.

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