Relationship Compartmentalization
by Steve Watters on 04/27/2010 at 4:00 PM
Relationships add up. Multiple relationships on the way to a later-in-life marriage can't help but affect that marriage.
It's a dangerous myth that what you experience in one relationship has no bearing on what will happen in a subsequent relationship says Dr. John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk. In a recent article called "Don't Wait for Marriage," Epp explains that many singles believe in "relationship compartmentalization, where each relationship occurs in its own compartment without any effect on another." He continues:
I like to refer to this attitude as "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Obviously, this cannot be true because what occurs in relationships, no matter how insignificant, carries some measure of influence on you, the way you think, and what you take into your next relationship. As scripture says in what is both an encouragement and a warning, "You reap what you sow."
Adding to a chorus of voices encouraging earlier marriages, Epp says:
It seems intuitive that age would bring maturity, stability, and better decisions which would result in more lasting marriages. However, there are a number of risks that work against these later marriages and question the wisdom of this social trend to delay marriage into your 30s.
He then goes on to report on two studies that I don't remember seeing mentioned on our blog before:
The starting point is a reconsideration of the claim that early marriages contribute to higher divorces. There was a study conducted in 2002 by Tim Heaton that did find high rates of marital instability associated with young marriages, but the risks were with teen marriages. The impact that age had on predicting marriage outcomes leveled off around age 21 with age making little difference for those who marry between 21 and 30.
Furthermore, there may actually be increased risks associated with delaying marriage to the end of your 20s or into your 30s. In another study conducted in 2004 by the University of Illinois, Evelyn Lehrer suggested that the risk of divorce decreased with each year from the teens to the early twenties, but then the risk reversed and began to increase with each year after the mid-twenties, offsetting the benefits of age and maturity with the accumulation of harmful dating and sexual experiences.
Here's where the myth of romantic compartmentalization comes into play:
[B]oth Heaton and Lehrer found that waiting to get married often leads to more premarital sex, premarital cohabitation, and premarital births, which are all associated with higher rates of marital instability. In addition, there becomes a smaller selection pool as you reach your early 30s (e.g., by age 30, 75 percent of the population are married). At that point, the chances of achieving a quality relationship lower because of the difficulty with finding a suitable partner.
I need to repeat that this latest post referring to earlier marriage is not targeting people who no longer have that opportunity. Nor is it offered up with the intention of applying undue pressure. It is for readers who seek to honor God with the timing of their marriages but continue to hear from parents, teachers, pastors and friends that the best marriages are in fact those that are later rather than sooner. The dangers of relationship compartmentalization add to reasons to believe the reverse.
1. CapitalJon said the following at 5:30 PM on Apr 27:
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My concern with these sorts of polls and stats is that it suggests that the goal is merely to get ppl married off and to keep them that way. Sort of like how the approach of too many youth organizations is to merely get the kids through their teenage years without a pregnancy. This misses the trouble with the heart and wayward expectations. I tell you I have never in my life resented anyone the way most men I know of resent their wives. This is heartbreaking. They have never known a Christ centred relationship and so fall into the most easily attainable and comfortable. This happens in culturally Christian circles as well when we encourage our children to strive for a PG version of the ways of the world.
What I mean to say is the proof isn’t in the statistics of the risks of divorce, but in the eyes of the miserable heartbroken people all around us.
What a waste it must be to live a fragmented life, to spend all of one’s energies burning one’s own memories.
2. Laura said the following at 6:29 PM on Apr 27:
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Thank you for this post. My first serious relationship just ended because my boyfriend abruptly decided he wasnt ready to get married so he ended it. After almost two years, he had consistently said when we get married and we had planned our wedding. Yet his parents encouraged his abrupt decision because of his age, he wasnt established in his career, etc. In the meantime, I believe they all three sinned against me.
3. keppi said the following at 6:37 PM on Apr 27:
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Steve - I hope you can answer my question: I'm a girl (28) and my boyfriend is younger (24). We have been dating for over a year now. I went back to school later in life, and I met him because our church draws the university crowd. We've talked about getting married. I finished my program in nursing this month, and got a job. He finished his degree in mechanical engineering last year, and hasn't been able to find suitable employment (He keeps himself busy working part-time for an old prof. doing research). We would like to get married, but everyone around us (his parents mostly) say we should wait (at least until he gets a job). He has said, that he just wants to go forward with marriage and really trust God to provide us with what we need. In reading your post, I am reminded that I do want to get married sooner than later (much sooner), but should we slow down? Are his parents right?
4. Karen - Australia said the following at 8:36 PM on Apr 27:
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Wow! The research details bring insight & truth to the popular belief.... Thanks SO much for sharing :)
5. Peter said the following at 8:37 PM on Apr 27:
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There is a saying that "Time heals all wounds", but it neglects to mention that even healed wounds leave scars, and scar tissue is not as functional or sensitive.
" ....what occurs in relationships, no matter how insignificant, carries some measure of influence on you, the way you think, and what you take into your next relationship. - gives the lie to the argument that repeated rejection should not be an issue for men.
6. Meg Petock said the following at 10:02 PM on Apr 27:
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#3 Keppi
I am in a situation similar to yours. I am almost 27 and am also a nurse. I met my fiancé in July 2009 while spending 6 months doing missions work in Benin. We are getting married at the end of September (yea!). He is from South Africa and will be unable to work until he gets a needed work authorization from the government, which could take several months. In the beginning of our marriage, I will be financially supporting us.
Yes, it is a non-traditional situation that might not be “ideal” but I don’t think it’s a reason to not get married. I respect my fiancé and know his desire is to provide for me. He is humble enough to allow me to support him for a season. And it is just a season. Thirty years from now, we aren’t going to be regretting waiting until he had a job to get married.
Ultimately, God is our provider. We have so many tangible things to find security in that it is easy to forget that we should be looking to Him, not employers, family members, or bank accounts, to meet our needs. I know I constantly forget.
Proverbs 18:10 says, “The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.” We are safest, most content, and have the most Joy when we are in the will of God. If He is leading you to get married soon, then get married. You are much safer with one income in His will, then ignoring His leading to satisfy a cultural norm. And our lives should look different- even foolish- to the world around us (1 Corinthians 2).
I hope that is encouraging. Best of luck as you begin your nursing career!
7. rachel said the following at 1:30 AM on Apr 28:
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I'm 32 and single- thanks for making me feel even worse about my situation!
8. Kelly-1 said the following at 2:55 AM on Apr 28:
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what occurs in relationships, no matter how insignificant, carries some measure of influence on you, the way you think, and what you take into your next relationship.
EVERY relationship you have in life impacts you in some way. Friendships, family relationships, dating relationships, non-relationships (rejection).
The deepest scars I carry are from platonic-friendships-gone-wrong. One of these experienced the joy of healing last year.
Some family members have caused me pain like no other, but I love them and they love me, and no one would caution me AGAINST relationship with them.
My dating relationships never last very long (they usually end when I tell the guy that I won't sleep with him 'til marriage!) and as such, they haven't had very significant impacts on me. Other than my expectations of men... ;) (Boundless men are of course excepted from this - but you truly are a special minority).
To me, ANY romantic relationship I willingly enter, I enter with a goal of marriage. Perhaps that in itself is harmful, because it's so easy to become disillusioned.
(Case in point: met a lovely guy 2 weeks ago and I'm already doubting his motives because we met when he called out to me on the street. i.e. He was attracted to a pretty girl rather than who I am! I am predicting we'll have that same old no-sex conversation in the next few weeks, leaving me sad and single yet again.)
9. Keith said the following at 2:56 AM on Apr 28:
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So what is the real problem? Marrying later or a bad relationship history? If a person marries later with no bad relationship history, in theory they are in just as good shape (perhaps better shape) than someone who marries younger.
Both my fiance and I were both each other's firsts (first love, first kiss, first dates, first relationship). She is 30, I am 26. I don't think age matters at all. What matters is that you save yourself for the right person, and when you find that right person you are willing to marry them as soon as you possibly can.
10. Brie said the following at 3:38 AM on Apr 28:
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I'd like to also suggest that while we should date wisely and prayerfully and thoughtfully, there is great learning found in 'failed' relationships. I'm not suggesting that we should date at abandon, but that a few relationships between first dating and the alter to help to establish the kind of person we are looking to partner with.
It is well and good to have Biblical standards to evaluate our potential 'mates' by, however, sometimes you need a few months together to see if that person does indeed have those characteristics. I'm not saying lots and lots of long term relationships, but a few medium term ones can be helpful.
11. Adam T said the following at 6:02 AM on Apr 28:
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@keppi (#3)
Not to encroach on a possible reply from Steve, I'd just like to add my thoughts as a student who is studying mechanical engineering (also later into my 20's).
If your boyfriend has his degree in mechanical engineering and has not found a job yet, he should be asking himself why that is. I say that because where I am in Huntsville, AL there's always a demand for engineers.
I don't know and wouldn't want to speculate too much. If it's the economy or it's just too soon after his graduation then I'd understand. I assume he is diligently looking.
The main point I wanted to bring up is that an engineering degree is not something to sit on for too long. Knowledge and technology within the engineering field has about a 5-yr shelf life before you start to get outdated.
He might need to branch out far from where he lives to find work if he's not considering doing that already. This came to mind because I was listening to an instructor in class talk about a guy who got an engineering degree from a school in an area where there just wasn't a big demand for engineers, and he wasn't willing to move away.
If your boyfriend is willing to make the move (and you'd be willing to make it with him after marriage) then I'm sure a job will present itself with a high enough salary to justify the move, enable it, and remove any doubts about his ability to provide. Assuming you're not here already, I'll make a shameless plug for Huntsville. It's a great town with a low cost of living and a strong medical community as well. Colorado Springs, where Focus and Boundless are located, is also similar.
12. Celebrindal said the following at 7:20 AM on Apr 28:
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Keppi (#3),
It's hard for me to say for sure without knowing the situation better. However, I encourage you to pursue marriage as soon as you are sure that both of you want to be married to each other. I don't think it is necessary for you to be in a "good" financial situation before getting married. However, I do think it is important that he have some sort of job that brings in enough money to live on before you marry. Maybe it would require a tight budget if you lived on it, but something you wouldn't starve on. That is important in case you become pregnant and need to be out of work (and also gives you the option of staying home with children).
13. monicarose said the following at 7:50 AM on Apr 28:
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Boundless, you paint such a bleak picture for people over 30 still looking for marriage. Incredibly discouraging.
14. Alison said the following at 8:28 AM on Apr 28:
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I've been subscribing to the boundless blogs for several months now, and I have to admit that there have been many moments of discouragement.
I am 24 years old. A year ago I started dating someone, and we have grown a wonderful, godly, loving relationship that has been one of the greatest blessings from the Lord. He's 35 years old. There's 11 years difference between us. In the past he really wanted to get married, but kept dating women who discovered during the relationship that they couldn't handle being the wife of a traveling preacher/evangelist. He's far from irresponsible or able to support a wife. The Lord just never gave him that opportunity until now.
Almost all of your blogs on marriage/relationships keep repeating to get married young or suffer the consequences. Or if you don't want to get married young then you're being irresponsible. I know that I might be in an "exception to the rule" sort of situation, but I'm just wondering if it's possible to temper the constant insistence for younger marriages. For some people, it's just not possible. Not everyone has the ideal. Not everyone has the opportunity. My boyfriend didn't. Often, the Lord just doesn't open that door of opportunity.
Please just be mindful. Not everything is as black and white as you so often make it out to seem. Sometimes people get married young. And sometimes it's best to wait until the right person is brought into our life. I don't think that always happens in the early 20's. Not all singles are in their 20's. And that's not a bad thing.
15. Ashley said the following at 8:42 AM on Apr 28:
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Whew. Anyone that thinks that relationships take place in a vacuum is unfamiliar with vacuums and relationships!
If I could chart out for you the amount of insecurity I carry around because of things that exboyfriends thoughtlessly said... Whew. That would be a lot of charting!
16. Lore said the following at 9:37 AM on Apr 28:
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@Rachel #7
Steve said "I need to repeat that this latest post referring to earlier marriage is not targeting people who no longer have that opportunity. Nor is it offered up with the intention of applying undue pressure." I really believe he wasn't trying to convey to those of us in our late twenties or thirties that we've somehow screwed up our lives because we may have delayed marriage on purpose OR may not have had the opportunity to enter into a marriage covenant.
I think he was posting it as a warning to those who may have the opportunity to be married at younger ages OR as a warning to them that they ought to be aware that when then finally do enter marriage they will take with them the residue (however faint or strong) of former relationships.
You don't need to feel worse about your situation! On the contrary, you can be a witness in your single years of how to maintain purity and high standards regarding marriage. When I get comments from my peers who are sleeping around, creating small uncovenanted families, going from relationship to relationship about how I seem unhindered by any of that baggage I'm GRATEFUL! What a testimony it is to both them as well as to the dwindling pool of people who understand the risks of "relationship compartmentalization!"
Don't be weary in your situation! God works in us the best situation for us and for His glory!
17. Dan said the following at 10:18 AM on Apr 28:
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I'll be the one to say right now, that this is true and it does affect marriages, and it makes it hard and a emotional roller coaster at times.
18. Sarah1285 said the following at 10:19 AM on Apr 28:
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Laura # 2:
I can relate. My fiance just broke off our engagement/relationship because he has too many "doubts and fears" (he loves me, but not enough to marry me) about getting married. Every decision in our relationship was initiated by him. I didn't ask for him to propose 3 months after we started dating. We sought much Godly counsel and no one from the beginning to the end thought we were being foolish or rash or that we were a poor match. We had a good and God-centered relationship from the beginning - but he just couldn't commit I guess. I think he liked the idea of it all but when it came down to it he was too scared and couldn't trust in God. I personally feel he is throwing away a good Godly marriage because of fear. But what can I do but entrust myself to God and not be anxious about the future. I'm tired of being fearful about whether or not I'll ever get married and I refuse to let this scar me for the future. God is giving me grace and mercy to make it through, literally hour by hour...but wow, does it hurt.
19. Matt C. said the following at 10:23 AM on Apr 28:
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Maybe it's because I admit to being a poor miserable sinner each week as part of my church's liturgy, but I really can't muster up any offense when somebody indicates there may be a disadvantage to a given condition I find myself in.
How sad that such offense often seems to outweigh the provision of important information to our brothers and sisters.
20. Mike Theemling said the following at 10:37 AM on Apr 28:
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This post reminds me of an article Suzanne wrote some time ago which I believe is pertinent and very insightful. It may provide additional explanation as to why marriages at an older age are also at risk.
Rather than "grow together" intertwined as a married couple in your 20's shortly after adulthood, you now have two adults who have lived a significant amount of time "solidifying" their identities. Certain habits, lifestyles, and life aspirations have had a chance to settle and may be at odds with those of another older adult.
Fortunately, no one is "destined" towards a doomed marriage. But if we can reduce our risks of failure, it is in our best interest to do so. And that may include not delaying marriage arbitrarily or more than necessary.
21. Julie said the following at 11:07 AM on Apr 28:
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I don't know--I do think I carry some scars from previous dating relationships. On the other hand, with each relationship failure, I got a MUCH better idea of what I should be looking for in a potential husband. Maybe I am an outlier and other people have a far greater wisdom at a younger age, I don't know. But I suspect there are a lot like me, who learn through experience. Maybe if I'd had better advice from parents and church?
22. Kristen in CA said the following at 12:11 PM on Apr 28:
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Rachel (#7): Just remember that God works against the odds. He created all we see out of nothing, parted the Red Sea, redeemed Ruth, brought about immaculate conception, fulfilled numerous prophesies and died for our sins, and the list goes on. If He can do all these things, God can certainly bring about marriage for many, many people after the age of 30. So, chin up. There is still plenty of hope for all of us out there. After all, we are people, not walking statistics. :)
23. Julie said the following at 12:17 PM on Apr 28:
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It's tough that we are biologically ready to be married in our teens, and yet not ready economically and emotionally until later (depending on when a certain maturity/stability) is reached. I guess this used to be dealt with by having older men (who had the stability and the maturity) marry younger women (who had the fertility). Now that most people meet/marry people more their own age, there is this long delay. And then with the threat of divorce hanging over marriage now, women want to gain protection through marketable skills first. And both genders strive for a quality of relationship that was probably not attained by most people in the past.
24. Walt said the following at 12:17 PM on Apr 28:
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I understand that boundless it not trying to make those of us who are over 30 and still single feel bad. But, when I read an article like this I can't help but wonder if it's not already too late for me.
25. Sue Jern (smile4joy) said the following at 1:24 PM on Apr 28:
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*Long comment ahead!* Agrees with Lore(#16). Steve already made the disclaimer in his blog post as to which group of readers he was addressing. Should people with a sexual past (who have repented), feel personally offended when something is written about purity? Should an unemployed young adult (mature student/ stay-at-home mom/ incapacitated/ etc.) be offended when there's an article on career?
If there's anyone who could've been offended by posts/articles on encouragement to marry young, the first person I can usually think of would be Suzanne Hadley Gosselin. And yet, before she was married, she never was bitter/complained about "missing the boat" (despite being honest about occasionally feeling that way in her articles, yet, she never whined about it). Through her years as a singleton (even now as a newlywed), she was determined to remain purposeful for God and continue to encourage others, including the older, never-married age-group. (*Suzanne, sorry, I know you can speak for yourself, but I'm encouraged by your testimony and had to share!*)
Moreover, I've come across other single Boundless contributors in their late-20s, early/late-30s, early-40s, and yet, still hold on to the hope that God will bring them a spouse someday (way to go!).
I suppose the whole point is, it doesn't matter at which stage of life you are right now; what matters is, are you living out God's purpose for your life? What are you doing with where you are at right now (20s, 30s, 40s) that has eternal value? How are you (single/married) being a blessing to others? Btw, I think it's OK to be frustrated with your circumstances, the difference is how you handle it. Just please, don't be bitter. In everything, give Thanks :)
Apologies for digressing from the original topic, I just felt the need to reach out to those of you who may have been discouraged/offended by Steve's post. (My disclaimer: I do believe that most of us are called to be married, and few to celibacy). Just trying to share from an eternal perspective.
God's plan in our lives remain sovereign. We need to put our complete trust in Him, in His Word and in His Promises; more than in any article that "speaks to us" or even "offends us".
26. Qwerty said the following at 1:54 PM on Apr 28:
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In response to Rachel (#7), monicarose (#13) and Walt (#24) -- just a word of encouragement.
I'm in my mid-thirties and had a similar reaction reading this article, even though Boundless wasn't trying to make us feel bad. In my case, I can see that God had his reasons for keeping me single during my twenties and I never had the opportunity to meet someone special. I was not in a period of extended adolescence spending time playing video games but being responsible with my vocation and trying to honor God in what I did.
The way I see it, it's a lot like the contrast between Jacob and Joseph. Jacob was someone who tried to do everything with his own deceitful ways. He experienced many years of pain and suffering because of some of the choices he made, especially with regard to relationships. Joseph also went through a lot of hardship, not because of his poor choices but because God had to prepare him for a greater task. Joseph saw God's hand in everything. In both cases, God's will still got accomplished and both Jacob and Joseph were blessed. With Jacob, it was in spite of his mistakes. With Joseph, it was because of his desire to honor and acknowledge God. As a result of this, God could use Joseph as a testimony of His goodness to Pharaoh, Egypt, and Jacob and his family.
So if you're single and older in life because you've been seeking to honor God, you're not an irresponsible slacker. I believe that God will honor you and use you as a blessing to others in the future.
27. Amber B. said the following at 2:12 PM on Apr 28:
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I agree with early marriage. I sympathize with those who are in their late 20s, 30s, 40s, etc. and are not yet married, who feel discouraged by these posts. Maybe Boundless should cut back a bit on the early marriage posts (there are a million on here and they all same the exact same thing), and try to publish some posts geared towards the “over 25 and still waiting to get married’ demographic.
I also get discouraged by these posts even though I’m only 21. Like I said, I agree whole heartedly with early marriage, but it’s not always possible. My boyfriend and I have wanted to get married for over a year, but he was out of work for a year and I can’t even afford to support myself, let alone both of us, on my income. He has a job now, but my parents are making us wait until he has worked for 6 months before getting engaged. His job situation is such that he could be laid off at any time, in which case we would be back to square one. So Boundless, I appreciate your views on early marriage – these articles and posts are full of great information. But we are sick of them. We’ve read these same statistics and logical arguments a thousand times, so please stop posting about it for a while! Give some encouragement to those of us that want to take your advice but are being prevented by things we can’t control.
28. notworthy70 said the following at 2:27 PM on Apr 28:
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Alison #14,
Yes, I agree with you that there are not black and white, instead we have to really depend on God's guidance because He makes it different to each individual.
However, I do believe that past relationships have effects on current relationship and will bring over into marriage life.
Just wondering are you and your bf on a long distance relationship now? Out of curiosity, regarding your bf dating history, didn't his ex's ponder with the consequences of being a pastor's wife prior to starting the relationship? If only one or two of past relationship, that's ok. But if more than that, and they all mentioned the same reasons, I think you need to rethink about that. Sorry, I don't mean to be too personal, but I myself just ended a relationship with a young pastor with the background of having several relationships. I was his #5. As time went by, I realized that the main reason why they broke up was not on the girls' part. But actually, on his part. He carried on the scar of being left alone by his mom when he was young plus another reason that I don't want to mention here. That makes him can't have long term relationship w/ girls.
29. Kelly-1 said the following at 3:09 PM on Apr 28:
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Amber B. said:
"but my parents are making us wait until he has worked for 6 months before getting engaged."
...but you're 21. An adult. An engagement is not a wedding. I don't see why you can't get engaged now? You don't need a ring or a party, just do it!
30. New Bride said the following at 3:46 PM on Apr 28:
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If I had married the first guy I had gone out with I would be miserable, isolated and alone. I learned so much of what I didn’t want, or need from that first relationship. And although I went through heartache and pain, I let God use it to refine me, not destroy me.
I agree that other relationship do effect you, but it doesn't mean for the worse either. Maybe momentarily but if I hadn't gone through that refining heartache, I wouldn't be the wife I am today, and nor would I have discovered the amazing husband that I did.
Sometimes I feel Boundless is seeking a cookie cutter way for relationships, people are not all the same, neither are relationships. And sadly, for any relationships, family, friends, romantic, there just isn’t an easy way to make it all come together with a magic formula.
I did get married later then I expected. Sure I would follow my parents and be married by 20, yet I wasn’t until 28. There were seasons where it was tough to be faithful, to trust that it would ever happen to me. I can look back now at the timeline, see all that was a journey God intentionally orchestrated, without sharing all the details, a big one being my wonderful husband wasn’t ready since he is almost 3 years younger then I. :)
Was the whole process hard, heart break and all…yes. Worth it…yes.
31. Amber B. said the following at 4:54 PM on Apr 28:
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Kelly-1 #29 --
I suppose we could get engaged now, but what good would that do? Technically you could say we ARE engaged now because we plan to get married. I just don't have a ring on my left hand and we haven't set a date or sent invitations yet. But even if we were to get engaged now, my parents would still make us wait the same amount of time, so what difference does it make?
I just get really discouraged when I read these articles and think "Yes! Boyfriend and I should get married young! We're 21, what a great age to get married at!" Then I realize we can't get married. I have no idea when we'll be able to get married. Will he lose his job tomorrow? Will he get a new job and we'll have to wait 6 months from that point? Will my parents do what they have done before: change their minds and make us wait longer than they originally said? Yes, early marriage is a good idea, but bringing up the same exact arguments about it over and over again is hurtful to those who can't do it.
32. Peter said the following at 4:55 PM on Apr 28:
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As a man in my 40s, I, too, feel the sting of the exhortation to "marry young". Yet I must not allow myself to forget that Boundless is primarily a ministry to younger people, and my sensitivity to the issue should not silence the message that younger people need to hear.
If anything, they need to hear the errors of people like me (in my case, poor theology on the way that God guides us) and be encouraged to avoid them.
If I cannot deal with the general thrust of Boundless ministry - marry well but don't delay unreasonably - then it is my responsibility to seek out ministry that meets my needs, not attempt to reshape Boundless to make me comfortable.
Not that this mean we won't disagree occasionally... :)
Regards all..... Peter
33. Joel V said the following at 5:18 PM on Apr 28:
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Brie #10: I'd like to also suggest that while we should date wisely and prayerfully and thoughtfully, there is great learning found in 'failed' relationships.
Brie, there is great learning in failed relationships if you need to learn the hard way. I have been blessed to learn from Biblical teaching at home, church and here on Boundless. And I would encourage everyone to take heed to wise counsel and avoid the cost of learning the hard way.
Sarah (#18): Your attitude is refreshing and encouraging. I think he must really be missing out.
All: It seems the focus of this post was more multiple relationships than marrying early or late. I don't see it as just another marry early post.
One thing I think would help for those who are believers is to look for evidence of conversion in a potential spouse before getting in a relationship, rather than just assuming they are a Christian because they say so. If you don't see Christ in them, what is attracting you?
34. mary kate said the following at 6:29 PM on Apr 28:
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i'm not hurt by this post, and i think it all makes sense (and i'm just shy of 31 and never married). but some readers have touched on the frustration we 'still single' folk feel when we read this stuff on here all the time.
i think more posts encouraging us to face our fears, deal with our baggage, and be proactive could be good.
35. Mary said the following at 9:13 PM on Apr 28:
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So if I don't engage in premarital sex (and therefore no premarital babies) and don't cohabitate with someone, then I should be fine if I marry in my late twenties/early thirties?
That's good to know.
36. CapitalJon said the following at 10:37 PM on Apr 28:
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Glad for where you’re at new bride, but please don’t be so discouraging to your brothers and sisters just starting out their journeys. There is also a cookie cutter way to understand where it is that truth derives from and it’s typically a very oprahesque one at that.
I don’t mean necessarily to draw you out as such statements are quite common, but that doesn’t mean such a viewpoint is prudent. What is one grateful for? Is it the experience or the new way of which they look upon the world because of the lesson learned through that experience?
The world contends that it is our experiences and our senses that will tell us all we could possibly know. But in fact, what it is Christians have faith in is that Gd is who He says He is and that His world view is true. We need not stumble into the truth.
I affirm boundless for affirming the ideal always. And I worry about those who feel personally under attack through such an emphasis. Why not encourage and listen to others and study more, rather than embrace this worldly idea that we all just need to figure “it” out for ourselves.
37. Kara said the following at 12:46 AM on Apr 29:
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This article implies two things; 1) that we some how have this huge choice when it comes to when we get married, like we can just make it happen one day by signing up, and 2) that those who've been in painful or difficult relationships in the past are at a "handicap" for getting married. Really, Boundless? I thought more of you! Everything we do and have done affects our future in one way or another. That's the beauty of walking with the Lord and knowing "..that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) ALL things!!!
38. Trevor Dolby said the following at 7:13 AM on Apr 29:
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Julie (23): Maybe we should consider encouraging girls who can't wait to marry slightly older guys. This would certainly solve one problem I have seen quite a bit: girls who have no real inclination towards academics, but love babies, have no morally acceptable outlet for their true desires. Normally, this results in non-marital sex with all the attendant consequences, as the desires win over morality, but there's no reason why the Christian church can't suggest a morally acceptable solution: marriage!
This doesn't have to mean we encourage 65-year-old guys to marry 11-year-old girls, as occasionally happens in some cultures, but it could well mean encouraging an 18-year-old girl to consider a 23-year-old guy with a job, car, and place of his own.
39. Melissa said the following at 9:07 AM on Apr 29:
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Qwerty (#26):
Thank you. I am 30 and single, and must admit, sometimes I feel like a "leftover," especially when reading articles that make one feel they have done something wrong in their "waiting period." It's easy to cry with the Psalmist in Psalm 73 "Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure; in vain I have washed my hands in innocence." But your post encouraged me just to continue being faithful to God and living a life of integrity, not worrying about the current "prison" I find myself in.
40. Kelly-1 said the following at 11:44 AM on Apr 29:
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Amber B. - I'm sorry this is all causing you pain. :(
I just wanted to ask again: why is it that your parents have so much control over you? You said they are "making (you) wait". Do you live under their roof?
I understand that you want to honour your parents' wishes and desires, but if he is a man with a heart for God, there doesn't need to be any hesitation. You're clearly old enough to be making this decision for yourself.
I don't know if you've had frank discussions with your parents yet but the idea that they have so much control over something that is ultimately YOUR (and your boyfriend's) decision is troubling.
41. SirTurtle said the following at 12:05 PM on Apr 29:
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RACHEL: I'm 32 and single- thanks for making me feel even worse about my situation!
Psalm 139:16 in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.
KELLY-1: My dating relationships never last very long (they usually end when I tell the guy that I won't sleep with him 'til marriage!) and as such, they haven't had very significant impacts on me. Other than my expectations of men... ;) (Boundless men are of course excepted from this - but you truly are a special minority).
SIRTURTLE: try picking guys that are Christian. It’ll happen less. What does a Christian guy look like? Christ. A humble servant, focused more on god than he is focused on you, Concerned for your spiritual growth in a relationship. The difference is night and day. Give someone’s claim to Christianity zero credit, look at his actions.
KELLY-1: Case in point: met a lovely guy 2 weeks ago and I'm already doubting his motives because we met when he called out to me on the street. i.e. He was attracted to a pretty girl rather than who I am! I am predicting we'll have that same old no-sex conversation in the next few weeks, leaving me sad and single yet again.)
SIRTURTLE: Try judging character? Seriously, the only way you can constantly be attracted to non-Christian men is by seeking after non-Christian guys. Quit being so caught up in his sense of humor and actually take a look at his actions and motives. Do his actions tell you that Christ is the most important thing in his life? Does he get into the word and put Christ first there?
NEW BRIDE:If I had married the first guy I had gone out with I would be miserable, isolated and alone. I learned so much of what I didn’t want, or need from that first relationship. And although I went through heartache and pain, I let God use it to refine me, not destroy me.
SIRTURTLE: You didn’t let god do anything.
SIRTURTLE: a lot of you seem to be overreacting. This article is directed at a certain group of people and as such does not apply to ALL of you. It seems to be directed at twenty something’s with a view of dating and marriage that is non-committal and loose. Early 20’s who think that you can date and experiment with whoever you’d like and not have to actually commit till later down the road. The author is warning that this lifestyle has consequences and will affect them later down the road should they wish to marry. It seems like what he’s trying to say is that it’s best to take a direct approach to getting married instead of flopping around from person to person with no purpose.
SIRTURTLE: so too all of the 30 something women on this post whining about how they did exactly or close to what Steve is saying and it didn’t land them in marriage STOP! He’s not saying is a magic pill to fix you’re marriage woes. It IS a door that God has to open. He’s talking to those who actually practiced this purposeless self seeking style of finding a husband or wife. Not those of you who were intentional.
42. New Bride said the following at 3:19 PM on Apr 29:
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Seaturtle,
I’m sooooo impressed to know that you are apart of the trinity to know that I didn’t let God do anything. That is so impressive! Wow, thank you for showing me beyond my personal knowledge of the complete story…that god wasn’t apart of that. Oh yeah, I don’t believe in a god, but The God. Makes a big difference, might be where your logic had fallacy.
43. Kelly-1 said the following at 12:14 AM on Apr 30:
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"SIRTURTLE: try picking guys that are Christian."
I didn't do any of the PICKING, I responded to invitations. :p
44. Jim said the following at 1:41 AM on May 1:
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Whoa, whoa ... the last few comments involving SirTurtle and the replies .... let us act in "love"
:-)
45. Emily said the following at 7:44 AM on May 2:
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@ Laura (#2)
This guy you dated and his parents did you a huge favor - now you are not stuck in a relationship with him. Go find someone who is going to value your time and truly want to make a commitment with you.
46. JULIE R said the following at 7:58 AM on Jul 4:
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I wanted to "save" myself for marriage, didn't date til I was 20 and fell in love and we looked to get married. My mom started telling me not to settle for the first one that came along and I caused our relationship to end. I have dated numerous others and finally settled on a man at 24 and had 2 kids and now divorced. I tell myself I have faith in God, but there's this doubt that anyone will want me. I destroyed the only relationship that I believed God was in with us and think of my true love all the time with regret. I don't know if I'll ever find another that made me feel that way. We were together for a year and never even fought and now all the relationships I have it's constant fighting and drama and on top I have 2 kids (4 & 5 yr old) that are "wild" without much direction. With me being so broken I feel I can't seem to guide them in the right direction. I looked up the term "love addiction" http://www.recovery-man.com/loveaddict.htm and I think I seriously have that!! I don't think I had it with my first and only true love, but now I seek for love to replace all the hurts I've created along the way. Some times I think maybe I should stay alone as punishment to myself. Every guy I meet doesn't want to wait until marriage and it makes me resent them for not respecting my wishes. Not that I'm looking around in church for a man but there aren't any single men around my age (30). Oh I don't know what to do. I'm so impatient and I look in the mirror and I'm looking so old. I think who'd want me anyway...The many relationships I've had have affected me and I do believe it's affected me in a horrible way and don't look at it as "experience" because I wanted to be with one man and one man only. I can never give another man my virginity. I feel there's nothing more important to share with someone. I let my mom tell me what to do and now I'm paying for it. I've always talked to God and went to church on my own as a child (she would drop me off) She wasn't allowed to go to church as a child and believes if you are a good person and do the "right" thing you'll go to heaven, but I know the truth and I know the way. She will go to church occasionally now days but some people just don't want to hear what you have to say. How could she listen to what I believe when my actions haven't reflected true Christianity.
47. Philippa said the following at 8:46 AM on Jul 5:
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Julie,
I am so sorry. I hear your pain over your lost love. (Your story reminded me a bit of Jane Austen's novel Persuasion ...)
I can never give another man my virginity. I feel there's nothing more important to share with someone.
It's not the MOST important thing you can share with someone. (I speak as a lifelong virgin, by the way). I mean, yes, of course virginity is important! But there are other virtues that are just as important ... and your history is NOT unforgivable. God can cleanse and heal your spirit and restore an inner sense of purity ... that is what He is all about!
And He can still use you as a witness to your mother! You don't have to be perfect ... just teachable. And loving and honouring your mum whilst not allowing her to control you.
Don't let Satan use your past against you, Julie. :) Don't give the deceiver a foothold. Because, in Christ, there is NO condemnation (Romans 8:1). :) Hallelujah!
And He can restore the years that the locusts have eaten.
Don't keep chasing for that lost love and getting stuck in the same old cycle of pain and regret. Surrender that lost love, and all the pain, and regrets, and your sexuality, to God. And He will work out all things for your good. :) I promise. But, more importantly, He does.
Have you ever read Leanne Payne's books? She writes so well on sexual brokenness and finding our TRUE identity in Christ alone. You might find them helpful. :)