Who's Offended? | Boundless Line

Yesterday I read the first part of Zach Bradford's article "Overcoming Her Sexual Past." Today, I read Part 2. It's a really great article on this topic. Probably the best I've read. But something the author said, hit me at a different level. In talking about his difficulty in getting past his wife's past sins, he says:

My pride was to suffer a further blow. My next stop was in Psalm 51. Here David has admitted to the murder of Uriah and to committing adultery with Bathsheba. He has committed horrible crimes against a husband and wife, against a family and, as king, against his whole nation. And how does he respond?

"For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment."

David tells God that his sin was first and foremost sin against God. And right there I had to pause and ask, "Do I see my wife's sin as sin that was primarily against God? Or am I once again putting myself in the place of God and acting as if I am the ultimate offended party?"

If all Christians remembered this truth -- that God is the ultimate offended party when others sin -- I think it would save us a lot of strife. When someone treats me unfairly or hurts me, I can recognize that there is an issue between that person and God. This should lead to compassion and empathy, because I, too, am a sinner saved by God's unfathomable grace.

In "No Offense" I explored this idea:

The thing is, I am not supposed to be offended for myself. Jesus said, "Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you" (Luke 6:28). As a Christ-follower, I am not to be overly concerned about my rights or the way I'm being treated.

The principles of God's kingdom promote a different way. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says love "is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." Love is not easily offended, nor does it give offense. In fact, these things stand in the way of love — the trademark of the Christian life (1 Peter 4:8).

Proverbs says, "He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends" (17:9). How do I "cover over an offense"? I think the answer lies in Bradford's insight -- that I recognize that I and the one who has wronged me stand equally at the foot of the cross. And that God, the One who has lost the most because of our sin, offers us both forgiveness.

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1. Leigh said the following at 3:10 PM on Dec 11:

Love it, thanks!

2. Texas Craig said the following at 3:19 PM on Dec 11:

This is a HUGE point that Christians need to learn, because so many other godly traits hinge on it. If we are not easily offended, then it helps us avoid anger, be more peaceful, be clear-minded when responding to hurtful words, be less envious, able to give gentle answers, and to generally respond to others in love, rather than out of a selfish motive.

I hope everyone on here reads this post! Thanks for posting it.

3. JMW said the following at 3:56 PM on Dec 11:

For this reason I really appreciated this set of articles. I'm not in a position to deal with someone's sexual history, but I still found applicable wisdom. How often do I assume people's offenses are primarily toward me? Far too frequently, I'm afraid. My pride tells me to be upset when I do not receive all that I deserve, or all that I claim are my rights. The reminder of to Whom the insult is truly directed was timely.

Btw, I love boundless. This is my first time posting a response, but as a long time lurker, please keep posting such encouraging, convicting, and timely bits of wisdom. :)

4. JVR from Denver said the following at 5:18 PM on Dec 11:

Amen.

I think this gives great perspective not only in talking about those who do something that hurts us, but even otherwise.

5. Julie (Ginger) said the following at 5:49 PM on Dec 11:

Thanks for this well-written distinction, Suzanne.

I'm sore at a friend right now even though I know the offenses against me have more to do with my unrealistic expectations than any real obligation on his part, and it was a good reminder that I am more offending God with my accusations than offended against.

And further on the topic of offense, yesterday I was with a friend who sometimes shuts down conversations and interpersonal warmth with his abrupt strongly worded statements of opinion, and I mentioned an instance of it that he'd recently done to me. He's a good guy so he listened and sincerely said, "I'm sorry for offending you or hurting your feelings." I twisted my mouth and replied "...or something.... thanks." because I wasn't exactly personally offended or hurt, it was more that I didn't know if he realized he did that regularly and might want to become aware of it and stop. I'll have to see if I can't reword that for him another time... and that's another topic!

6. Mike Toreno said the following at 5:53 PM on Dec 11:

The insight of Bradford's that you point to is reasonable, but his analysis would be better if he allowed himself one additional insight - namely, that he needs to grow up. She ain't his property. Losing a little of his self-importance would go a long way.

7. MegH said the following at 6:40 PM on Dec 11:

Desiring God had a great post about this Psalm a few weeks ago (Nov. 9) . . . that our sin is ultimately an offense to God. The line about God being justified when he judges because he is a holy God really spoke to me! David didn't try to argue his way out of sin, he argued for the righteousness of God.

8. Danielle said the following at 8:01 AM on Dec 12:

I really needed to read this. Thanks again Boundless!

9. Lola said the following at 3:35 PM on Dec 12:

Forgiveness is not an issue here since Zach clearly states that he has forgiven her. His article emphasises the reality that sin causes lots and lots of hurt, pain and suffering. Zach’s experience shows that forgiveness (his and God's) will not necessarily extinguish all of the consequences of sin. I pray that God will continue to strengthen him.

10. B said the following at 3:04 AM on Dec 13:

Suzanne, a good reminder--but when you say "the thing is, i'm not supposed to feel offended for myself"--i'm not sure if you mean: when someone has hurt me or has done something nasty that has caused me pain, i should not feel the hurt. if that is indeed what you mean, i think it is unrealistic and perhaps not really what we are called to. When someone has wronged us, we are indeed called to forgive--eventually, but of extreme importance is also the whole process of working through that hurt and bringing it before the Lord and acknowledging that pain. This, i believe, is an outflow of an honest and authentic relationship we have with the Lord--for if we cannot bring our grievances, pain, feelings of anger, resentment, and lay them at His feet, working on resolving them would surely be far from possible.

11. Alexis said the following at 4:44 PM on Dec 14:

Thank you!

12. ryan said the following at 10:25 PM on Dec 14:

What a struggle it is to put this into practice.

I agree that others offenses are primarily against God. Its just I have a hard time believing that they are *only* against God. Granted this article does not quite say that is the case.

Based on my experience it is possible to feel both angry/offended at others wrongs against us, and also feel compassion and empathy towards them knowing that they have really hurt our Lord. I cant speak for everyone, but I know I am able to hold both of those feelings.

I have been struggling with a situation. One that has left me practically kicked out of my small young adult (well, mostly mid 20s-30s)Bible study group. Actually I was told to either get over my hurt over a situation with a girl in the group, or stop showing up. This ultimatum came after I went to the church Pastor to talk about what happened and how I had been struggling earlier this year. He suggested I try going to the group Bible study, but leaving early. Which I did for a few weeks until the group leader asked me to stop coming (until I got over things). It wasnt just that I left early, it was also because they said I seemed really unhappy/uncomfortable and that made others feel uncomfortable.

To keep a long story short, I am unable to stomach being around my ex. Although, Im not sure she is really an 'ex' because I dont totally feel our relationship was particularly honest. She ended it abruptly and in a way that left me seriously wondering if she didnt just use me while she and her real bf worked things out. As humiliating as it is...I was defrauded in the way boundless defines it. Let alone she treated me terribly afterwards and as of today no longer acknowledges I exist.

Anyway...I just wonder if the real problem is I cant get past my own hurt over it. Thats largely what I have been told. That I need to just get over it and 'forgive' her. I cant help but think that forgiveness doesnt necessarily mean that I could handle spending time around her. Even more so when she behaves as if she wants nothing to do with me. However, that is precisely what my friends have implied. Anyway...Im just really mixed up. Would it be ok for me to ignore that I have been told to either not show or to stay for the duration of the study and show up and leave early anyway? I have nothing to lose...seriously, all they can do is really really kick me out. Which leaves me in the same situation I am already in...

PS Just in case, I have never felt that anyone (besides my ex) is out to get me or genuinely wants to get rid of me. They are just handling things as they feel is best...

13. jack said the following at 2:08 AM on Dec 15:

So the idea is this:

If you continue to feel pain even though you have forgiven someone who has wronged you, it is evidence of your unforgiveness.

Let me show how this is utter foolishness:

Person A is murdered by Person B.

Murderer apologizes and repents. Person A's family forgives the murderer. Person A's family still hurts terribly because of their loss.

Conclusion:

Person A's family is a bunch of prideful, unforgiving, unspiritual creeps.

14. Trevor Dolby said the following at 11:19 AM on Dec 15:

Mike Toreno (11): This is a little late :( but I do think you should make clear if you have walked in Zach Bradford's shoes and can therefore speak from experience (or not).

15. Trevor Dolby said the following at 11:20 AM on Dec 15:

ryan (12): Your situation sounds terrible - I shall pray for you. Beyond that, I would not deliberately ignore what you've been told, as that is unlikely to make anything get better or calmer. If you can ask your father for advice, or an older brother, or someone like that, it might help bring some clarity.

If you will permit me some wild speculation: may I recommend praying about possible hurts from your past that might lie beneath the current situation? I don't mean just with girls, either. It might explain why you can't just 'get past your own hurt over it', though . . . 'it' might not really be it, if you see what I mean.

16. Trevor Dolby said the following at 11:21 AM on Dec 15:

Lola (9), B (10): Very true. King David didn't stop feeling pain just because he had been forgiven; it's very easy to try to bury, rather than deal with, hurt and pain.

And Lola is the first person I've seen mentioning praying for Zach Bradford - well done :)

17. JuliaClare said the following at 6:26 PM on Dec 17:

I really like what is being said here, and is something I have been thinking about recently, which I think stemmed from a book I read by Timothy Keller called "The Reason for God," and he says,

"The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead I think of myself less. I don't need to notice myself - how I'm doing, how I'm being regarded - so often."

So not entirely the same thing, but you know how one thought leads to another and it got me thinking down this path. I know that I often complain about how easily offended it seems like alot of non-Christian Americans are (for instance, it is considered too religious to have a Christmas tree in the public schools of the county I live in, and parents have complained about Christmas trees in public schools in other counties around the state-yes I live in a very liberal state), but how do I myself react to being offended? I don't think pretending that the pain isn't real is the answer at all, cause that just leads to bitterness.

I think for myself I weigh the offense, and decide if it is something that really is an issue and if I should confront the person, or if I just need to let it go and move on. And so then I honestly do one of those two options. I have confronted people when something really bothers me (usually repeat offense), and readily forgive, or just let it go and forgive. Then I move on. I think this is key. Moving on doesn't mean you don't deal with the hurt, or seek counseling if need be, but you move forward. You don't hold offenses over people's heads, because that isn't forgiveness.

And if we as Christians can begin to see people as Christ does, then the conclusion that Suzanne has come to is, I feel, the right one. That all sin is against God. And what has God done about it? He's forgiven it. Consequences still happen, hurt still exists, but the offense is truly forgiven and right communion with Him is restored.

18. anonymous said the following at 7:27 PM on Dec 25:

I don't understand Evangelicals. While I do feel for the writer of the article, I believe that if he has forgiven his girlfriend/wife, then he should forgive her--completely. I would understand completely if, after learning of his girlfriend's past sexual sins, he had decided to dump her and look elsewhere, as in the religious tradition in which I was raised, sexual sins are the most heinous of sins, behind only murder and blasphemy. When I was single, I had a hard time with born again Christians who were sexually active and didn't see any problem with it, for this reason. Nevertheless, if he's going to forgive her and marry her, he should do it completely.
I married a divorced man, I know the circumstances of his first marriage, and am satisfied that he is what the Evangelicals call "biblically free" to remarry. Not that it mattered to me, I would have married him regardless of what any born again people said about it. My husband's past has never bothered me, not one bit. My husband is a gentleman, and has never spoken ill of his first wife. In my religious tradition, divorce, while definitely not good, is not the horrible evil that Evangelicals make it out to be. It is hard for me to accept that there are Evangelicals out there who look down on my husband and I, and would not allow us in their church to worship, while at the same time these same people turn a blind eye to the massive amount of sexual sin that goes on among single Christians in the Evangelical world.
I feel towards my husband exactly like Arwen did in "Lord of the Rings" when she told Aragorn, "I would rather spend one lifetime with you, than face all the ages of this world alone." I'm glad I stopped listening to Evangelicals and allowing them to bully me.

19. anonymous TWO said the following at 1:00 PM on Dec 26:

anonymous (post 18): I consider myself an evangelical (I refuse to capitalize that word because it doesn't make me better or worse than calvinists, methodists, pentacostals, etc) Christian (please keep reading), and I am engaged to a woman who has been divorced. Actually she initiated the divorce after her husband had cheated and abused her a few years into their marriage, and then after a few more years he dropped her off at her parents house and was he gone for good. She did what she could. She forgave him. She stayed with him. He left her. She is NOT to blame. I am sorry my fellow evangelicals have come across as hating divorcee's. It is unfortunate that in the evangelical church we are so slow and hesitant to accept and minister to those who have messed up, or for that matter have had bad circumstances thrust upon them that they did not chose. My fiance is not the villain here.

Years before I met her and asked her to marry me (yes boundless readers I was INTENTIONAL despite having played a few video games and seeing porn!), I mentioned that I wanted to marry a girl that has been through a lot of hard stuff and hurts. Why? She would most likely be more humble and have more of a servant's heart than what you see from some of my evangelical brother's and sister's who's insular lives and sheltered existences have kept them from having experienced the bad and good in life and therefore grow up thinking that they have the right to a "ring by spring". This may not be the "boundless" way of finding a wife (yes, once again boundless readers, despite being in my early 40s and not having gone to a Christian college, I still ACTIVELY looked for a wife and am now engaged!), but this is how my life turned out! I am thankful SO thankful for her!

20. anonymous said the following at 1:55 PM on Dec 26:

I want to clarify something. The way my first post (18) is worded, it may seem that I think divorce for any and every reason is ok. This is not the case. I have a more liberal interpretation of what "marital unfaithfulness" means than most evangelicals. For me, it can mean adultery, physical abuse, neglect, or abandonment. While I am not Catholic, I like the Catholic system where, under certain circumstances, you can petition the Church for an annulment. My husband's friends who are Catholic have told him that if he had been Catholic, the Church would almost certainly have granted him an annulment. I also believe that the innocent party is entitled to remarry. It is the lack of compassion exhibited by some evangelicals toward innocent parties who have divorced that I most object to.
Anonymous TWO, I'm glad you have found happiness, and it sounds like both you and your wife-to-be have been blessed by God to have found each other. May God be with you both as you embark on married life together.

Who's Offended?
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 12/11/2009 at 2:22 PM

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Who's Offended?
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 12/11/2009 at 2:22 PM

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Who's Offended? by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 12/11/2009 at 2:22 PM

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Who's Offended? by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 12/11/2009 at 2:22 PM

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Who's Offended?
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 12/11/2009 at 2:22 PM

Who's Offended?
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 12/11/2009 at 2:22 PM