Never Alone
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 12/22/2009 at 9:13 AM
In today's featured article, I talk about last Christmas. It was similar to many others; I struggled with loneliness and self-doubt. I think in my early 20s, it was easier to keep hope (for marriage) alive. Each holiday season, I clung to the lyrics from "Winter Wonderland" (the Doris Day version): "romance can blossom any old time." Christmas would be a hopeful season — because how great would it be to fall in love at Christmas? But it usually ended with a dose of harsh reality. Some years I handled the reality better than others:
A lot of the coping mechanisms for singleness seem to fall to pieces during the holidays. We all know Thanksgiving and Christmas are about families sitting around tables and Christmas trees, exulting in the warmth of each other's love. Such images intensify one's longing for love and belonging. A few years ago, one single friend confided, "One of my goals is to have a boyfriend by Christmas."
Christmas has made me do some crazy things when it comes to the pursuit of love. Go on doomed-to-failure dates. Rekindle interest in long-ago buried crushes. Waste time texting and e-mailing guys who are impossibly wrong for me. Weak attempts to feel desired and wanted.
Ultimately, though, my self-manufactured romance is intensely unsatisfying. So much so, that I inevitably crash in utter misery and self-pity sometime between Christmas and New Years.
I've speculated before on why Christmas may be one of the most difficult times of the year for Christians. Basically, Advent is all about Jesus and pure, life-giving hope, but Satan is intent on deceiving us into forgetting all about that and thinking it's about us. Only when we shovel out from under our own, personal miseries, can we see that things are actually good. Very good.
Perhaps Christmas is a gift in this way. It offers a season when many of our self-sufficiencies are stripped away and we are forced to refocus on where our hope lies — our eternal salvation through Jesus and the joy and anticipation of what the Father will do for us, and more importantly in us, in this life. Longings for good things we do not yet possess, can push us closer to the Savior.
If you feel alone or abandoned this Christmas, I understand. Last year I was 30 and single. But God can change circumstances in a moment; it's no big thing for Him. This year, as I celebrate Christmas with my husband, I am deeply thankful for that. As much as I understand loneliness, Jesus understands it more.
This Christmas, spend time with people you love and reflect on the fact that Immanuel — God with us — sacrificed Himself so that you and I never have to be alone.
"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" —Romans 8:32
1. Tami said the following at 9:35 AM on Dec 22:
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Thanks, Suzanne. I appreciate your articles and the consistency of your encouragement to us readers. Merry Christmas!
2. alison said the following at 10:02 AM on Dec 22:
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Thanks, Suzanne. Somehow its New Years that kills me each year. I often feel like I'm the only one that feels alone. What a good reminder to wait on the Lord.
3. angelina Tablanza said the following at 10:03 AM on Dec 22:
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Thank you Suzanne, I really resonated with this article. I take comfort in the fact that I'm certainly not alone in these feelings that seem to magnify around Christmas. And that I can celebrate that my longings are understood by God and He doesn't over look them.
4. Chris said the following at 10:15 AM on Dec 22:
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That was such a great article you wrote this morning!! I hope you enjoy your first Christmas with your husband!!
5. Kristen in CA said the following at 10:34 AM on Dec 22:
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Thanks, Suzanne. This article was timely as I am about to fly out to spend Christmas with my sister's family. It's not so much the wanting to create some sort of pseudo-relationship, but rather the loneliness that can cause me to distance myself ever so slightly. So the next time I hear an unconsciously condescending remark about my remaining unmarried, I have a good reminder to remember who does love me unconditionally, so much so, He took on human form.
I'm curious what other coping skills Boundless readers use during the Christmas season. Does one thing work better for you than others?
6. Sirena said the following at 10:44 AM on Dec 22:
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Suzanne, how is it that you always speak to my heart? Thank you for your exhortation and encouragement. I'm 32 and STILL alone for Christmas. Oh, I have lots of family around me, but that's not good enough! :o) Guess it's all about me, huh?
Thank you for reminding me how great our God is, how He loves to surprise us with Joy in His time, and how much I have to be thankful for. My heart has been heavy this Christmas season, but I've had many friends reach out to encourage me, and that in itself brings me joy. The Lord continue to bless you richly, sister!
Merry Christmas!
7. Kate Balagtey said the following at 10:54 AM on Dec 22:
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Thank you Suzanne! It came just in time for another threatening bout of wistfulness. Your article resonates a lot of my sentiments during this season, especially when everything is so romantic. But what a timely reminder it is to center our minds to this truth: Immanuel, God with us.
I'm sure to forward this to all single friends of mine.
Kate :)
8. Nicole said the following at 11:53 AM on Dec 22:
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Thank you for writing this article. I was just telling a girl friend (who is also single) that it seems like there's more couples everywhere at Christmas. There probably isn't, but it seems that way. We see couples walking through the outdoor malls, holding hands, gazing at shiny store window displays with sparkly eyes, sharing a quick kiss under the mistletoe.
I feel as if these couples have been staring at me with pity. "Look at that poor girl. She's all alone for Christmas."
I also have several acquaintances that have just gotten engaged. I try to smile and congratulate them, and I try to feel happy for them, but I can see the diamond rings sparkling at me like tiny reminders. "If someone wanted you, you'd have one of these." What a masterfully crafted lie.
Thank you for reminding me what God has promised to me. :D
9. Sarah P. said the following at 12:06 PM on Dec 22:
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I have always just loved Christmas and all these end-of-year holidays. It is hard to feel alone when your family of eleven people is (mostly) together!
10. Stacey Murphy said the following at 12:15 PM on Dec 22:
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Thank you for this timely article! I've been richly encouraged by all of your articles and the testimony of God's faithfulness in your life. May you have a sweet and merry Christmas this year as we reflect on our Savior's birth!
11. Jam said the following at 12:21 PM on Dec 22:
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One of the things I'm reminded of is that God did not, in fact,spare his own son. Jesus was abandoned by his friends, seperated from his family. If God would allow his own beloved Son to experience these things, then why not me? Sufferings have their place in my life too. It's not an uplifting message, I know, but some how it helps me understand the courses of my life better.
12. Jen said the following at 12:30 PM on Dec 22:
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Suzanne, I really appreciate your words. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Sorta like you, I never really realized how lonely Christmas could be until I turned 30. Now I worry that I'm becoming a person who doesn't like the holidays, because they seem to bring so much pain. I do not want to turn into that person! But, even though I'm 32, I still hold out hope -- it's a God-given hope, I believe, otherwise I would have given up a while ago. I have decided to take God at His word with Psalm 37:4. And I do know that He can turn things around in an instant. He can work so fast it makes my head spin!
13. Rael said the following at 12:49 PM on Dec 22:
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Thank you for your article, Suzanne. It really encouraged me. I've been moping lately about being 25 and never even having an eligible young man once express interest in me. But moping does make one miserable, it's so true! And how amazing it is when we remember how loved we are by God Himself, and that (joyous and humbling thought!) it's not all about me. He is so worthy of our trust.
I shared a link to your article on Facebook. :-)
Again, thank you. Have a lovely and wonderful first Christmas with your new husband!
14. kristine said the following at 1:07 PM on Dec 22:
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Thank you for the reminder of what is truly important. Your articles have been a wonderful source of encouragement and hope for me
15. Adam W. B. said the following at 1:31 PM on Dec 22:
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This hit me where I am as well. It's amazing how God speaks to us through different ways. I've had several friends who have gotten married or engaged over the last couple months and it does bring up some pain, and as alison#2 said, New years is rough especially since it seems like I'm gonna end up the only single person at my Sunday school class' n.y.e. get-together. Us guys are out there in this situation too. I just keep praying and trusting God will provide the right opportunities at the right time. Merry Christmas to everyone.
16. Marilyn said the following at 2:31 PM on Dec 22:
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I woke up this morning on the last day of my 39 years, to prepare myself to turn 40 from tomorrow. I called in sick, could not go to work. I feel so sad because I am still single and I do not even have a boyfriend. I have had so many single Christmases, and basically just live alone. It is hard, and gets harder by the years, especially because I keep praying and people ask me, ‘but you have prayed nothing has happened?’ It’s true. Some times I feel God has been tough on me. I truly hope it is not too late because I still have many years ahead of me and would love to live them with a companion and not alone. I even dare to believe that I would bear a child. I have never been married, no child, and have not had a boyfriend for 12 years. However I have prayed to God to grant me a partner. Anyone know any site I can go to for help..I am now single in my forties from tomorrow; this is tough, so tough sometimes I contemplate suicide....how long can I live like this...yet I pray??? The last ten years have been so so tough, because I am an immigrant sorting myself out. I would like to settle though, where can I go for counseling, prayer, or to a group where we can all pray for each other. I am a very very lonely woman with a desire for marriage.
17. Carol said the following at 2:38 PM on Dec 22:
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I've been feeling a bit down lately because I am still single. The Lord put a verse on my heart yesterday about it. It's Hebrews 11:39, 40.
And these all, having obtained a good report through faith, received not the promise:
God having provided some better thing for us, that they without us should not be made perfect.
Each person in the family of God is important, whether married, single, divorced, or widowed. Without each of us, Christ's body could not be perfect or complete. We are important to Him as a group and individually.
18. Ashley said the following at 2:47 PM on Dec 22:
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Suzanne, I wish there were some Godly older woman around that has been through what you have so I could meet her for coffee once a month and simply be reminded that God is faithful! Just last night I was on the phone with another longtime single girlfriend discussing that sometimes it just feels like the two of us and then the entire rest of the world that can't relate and doesn't try to. Your article was much needed and well timed. Thank you.
19. Kathleen said the following at 3:03 PM on Dec 22:
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I'm going to sound a different note than the one in the original post. To those who feel lonely and abandoned, it has nothing to do with your marital status. Single doesn't mean lonely, nor does marriage mean happy and fulfilled.
I know Suzanne has the best intentions, but honestly articles like this create a perception that single is lesser or lonely and that it means your life is on hold. Perhaps Suzanne felt this way about being single, but there are plenty of us who have quite full and rich and happy lives ... precisely because we don't allow anyone to tell we're 'waiting on God's timing' or we're in 'a season of waiting'. I'm taking life by the horns -- and I'd encourage more people to do the same.
20. Suzanne Hadley Gosselin said the following at 3:07 PM on Dec 22:
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Marilyn,
There is always hope. My friend Deb married for the first time at 42 and had one of the most romantic, joyful marriages I have witnessed. My friend Mary also married for the first time in her 40s (and she had two men vying for her love!). Don't close yourself off; allow yourself to be ready for love and marriage should God put them into your life. When God orchestrates the timing, it is better than anything you could make happen for yourself. Blessings to you this Christmas! May you feel God's love for you richly.
21. Brittany said the following at 3:14 PM on Dec 22:
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Dearest Marilyn,
Tears came to my eyes as I read your comment. I am praying from the bottom of my heart that God brings someone into your life. I wish I could wrap my arms around you, sister! I am a single woman as well...it is difficult when no man is pursuing. That is why I love Boundless. I feel like there is a group of women here who will understand me and share my difficulties. I hope you find some comfort here and understand how precious and valuable your soul is to Christ and His Kingdom. God bless you!!!
22. Rachael said the following at 3:29 PM on Dec 22:
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Well, I can feel a level of aloneness, and I'm married. And I often feel very sad or burdened.
On this side of heaven, perhaps for many/all of us, there will always be some level of 'wanting more' or 'unfulfilledness' or feeling of the burden of sin.
And perhaps at times we think we are sad because of such-and-such a reason, but maybe it's more complex. Maybe I think 'if......' I would be happier. But what if 'that' happened? Yes, I'd be gladdened, but I'd still have some other desire I'd want to be fulfilled.
One thing I've reflected upon recently: the incarnation of Christ.
He 'has been tempted as we are' (Heb. 4:15). I wrote on my blog: "He understands temptation and my weaknesses. While of course that doesn’t justify my sinful reactions, He knows what it is to be tempted. And, like he was able to resist and overcome sin, so I, too, should be able to do likewise if I have the same Spirit as the One “who raised Jesus from the dead” (Romans 8:11). And His Spirit is the same today as it was over 2,000 years ago.
He understands. He has been tempted. Been there ; (not) done that [he didn't sin]. But he’s been there. He knows my heart. He knows my struggles.
If I am His, I’m told to “with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Heb. 4:16).
In the time of need."
I have struggles and sadness. But I like the thought of knowing that God understands me and that as He has the power to overcome temptation, if I am His, I should have that same power [which is His], too. He overcame sin. I should be able to, too.
Also, I think it's easy to think casually about Jesus' sacrifice on the cross.
But, perhaps there was something more than the physical. His Father forsook Him. Do we ever feel alone in our sin? Perhaps Jesus experienced something of what we experience in that.
I know very well what it is to experience the burden of sin or potential sins or 'what if I sinned' "sins". And I think the real sins often don't get to me as much as the vague haunting ones. It's all a mess inside me.
Yes, Jesus was sinless. But check out 2 Cor. 5:21: "For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." (ESV). The NIV version on biblegateway.com has the footnote -"Or be a sin offering" for the part about Jesus being sin. I don't know what the original intention was, but, let's say it was that Jesus was made "to be sin". (While, again, of course He was sinless.) Maybe He was regarded as sin. Maybe that's why God forsook Him. Perhaps He felt the huge heavy weight of the guilt of all the sins? I don't know. But maybe he did feel the burden of guilt even though He did nothing wrong. It's interesting to think that maybe he felt the heavy burden of sin.
At any rate, we have a high priest who is able to sympathize with our weaknesses (see Heb. 4:15). Doesn't justify our sin.
But He understands and can provide the power to overcome.
[Not saying that people who are sad and lonely are sinning. But I think sin can contribute to a sense of sadness. I think even if people are not sinning in their sadness, God can still provide the power to overcome discontentment. Paul learned the secret to contentment. He knew He could do everything through God's strength. So, we, too, if we're His, we should be able to learn that secret as well.]
23. Tami said the following at 3:42 PM on Dec 22:
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For those of you wondering how I (or others) keep joyful during a difficult season, I echo Carol (17)'s words:
"Each person in the family of God is important, whether married, single, divorced, or widowed. Without each of us, Christ's body could not be perfect or complete. We are important to Him as a group and individually."
Reaching out to the friends and family God has given me helps me through the season. I have also asked Him to help me take every "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year!" said to me, and every gift given to me, to heart, as a blessing. I am truly starting to see and appreciate all He has given me -- not just what I DON'T have. God has obviously seen fit to give me the family and friends I have; the least I can do is give thanks for the gifts that they are.
24. Kristina said the following at 6:17 PM on Dec 22:
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Thanks, Suzanne. It's good to know that even in marriage you can still stop and remember what it was like (not that it was THAT long ago that you were single). lol
I am struggling too. It seems that every year I manage to be single from December through February, which seems to be the time of year where you are constantly reminded of how terrible it is to be single (Christmas, New Years, and Valentine's Day). I know God's promises. In fact, he promised me last March that I would be married in two year, but sometimes it's hard to trust that promise when there is absolutely no one in the picture and it's one year into the promise. I guess the Lord is using your story to show me that 1) I need to trust what I can't see and 2) all the waiting will be worth it in the end.
I do need to remember that ultimately it's about Him and not me...
25. Vanessa said the following at 6:32 PM on Dec 22:
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I'm praying that my 30th Christmas is my last one alone. This year seems easier than past ones to bear, for some reason. I don't know if I'm just resigned to the fact that God obviously doesn't have marriage for me right now...or if it's just anticipation of what He's going to do in this coming year.
All I know is that I don't feel the wretched despair. And I KNOW that being married or having a relationship doesn't automatically mean that you'll never be unhappy again. However, I have my parents' excellent example of how you make the best of things no matter what...and how together, you're better.
I could say that I have a fabulous life and I couldn't be happier...and I'd be lying. Maybe some women feel that their jobs and friends completely fulfill them. That's fine for them. If that's the way you feel, then I'm happy for you that you are fulfilled. Also, if that is the way it is for you...imagine that you lost your job and all your friends stopped talking to you. Would you feel as fulfilled then? For those of us who long for a husband and a family above a career and a social life...that is what it would be like.
26. Joseph said the following at 9:09 PM on Dec 22:
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Dear Suzanne, thank you so much for your article. Enough can't be said on this topic, and though i'm only 18, I could have said what Marilyn said nearly verbatim. I'm not going to deny that i'm still too jaded to believe that this is anything but a comforting lie, and now often don't want anyone; peace, dark, quiet and cold, is what i want now. Thank you anyway for writing and sharing your pain.
27. Sara said the following at 1:36 AM on Dec 23:
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New Year's is the time that gets me too, #2! Not for the relationship or loneliness reason, but every year I keep feeling like I should have done better the year before. It starts with my reflecting on my failure with the yearly resolutions, and then my failures in other areas... and on... and on... and on! I know the New Year is supposed to be all about a new start, but for me it always feels so depressing... so this year I think my resolution will be just to have a positive outlook for that one day! I am going to Church that day, so it may help.
28. BI said the following at 9:02 AM on Dec 23:
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I am always alone when it comes to people: I live in a country where most people are atheists and I choose not to have any deeper relationships with non-Christians. In order to get on a deeper level with non-Christians (male or female) and even network with them I have to participate in their sins and pleasures such as drinking, gambling, smoking, partying, dancing or sex. I am not willing to do either of these; hence, I am not even that good in networking with job opportunities and meeting important people. I know how to do it as I know a good deal about human psychology and habits, but I just do not want to engage in this kind of behavior. I had many opportunities to go to such secular parties even when I was in the US but I refused. Jesus is more important for me – He is my provider. Don’t get me wrong I get along pretty well with secular people, but I just do not engage with them on a deeper level, especially when it comes to their sins and ungodly pleasures.
It is unfortunate, though, that the local church has sort of banished me without giving me any reason for this. I guess they just don’t care at all about me. And I don’t want to be on their way – if they think that I am obstructing their faith in Jesus in some way, well, let me be then alone with my Daddy, Jesus. Love comes from God and if people do not want my love, because they want other things or treasure other things more, then I will give it all to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
29. Annie C said the following at 9:42 AM on Dec 23:
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Marilyn,
You sound familiar; I wonder if I once knew you. Are you from Germany originally?
Anyway, you are loved. No one can satisfy you like the Lord.
Check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ui4PBXaUrI for a wonderful video reminder of truths.
I have been married for 15 years but have known many times of loneliness and un-fulfilment. I've lacked friends and career and success. Although my husband has been a support to me, I still felt utterly depressed and disappointed. Especially around Christmas and New Year.
In fact, just two years ago, I wrote this...
NEW YEARS EVE 2007
Another year bites the dust…
God why have you forsaken me? Why have you been deaf to all my prayers and ignored every longing of my heart? Even the small, simple requests you have denied me. I can’t carry on like this. I have no where to go, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I want to hide myself in you but you have withdrawn your presence from this lifeless, broken soul. You have shown me no mercy or favour and I don’t know what to do. I give up. Show yourself or I will be forever hopeless, forever shamed, forever in contempt by all who know me. So help me, God.
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Since then, God has lavished his favour on me and blessed me in all sorts of ways, but it didn't come easily or quickly. I learned to depend on Him as my only source of joy. Nothing else compares or satisfies. God is good even during the bad times. Sounds weird but it's true. Even though you may feel abandoned, you are not. You are loved. I will pray for you now.
30. Jen said the following at 10:19 AM on Dec 23:
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To Kristina #24: How do you know God told you that you'd be married in two years? I'm not trying to be a jerk -- just genuinely curious. Thanks!
31. twilley said the following at 10:36 AM on Dec 23:
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BI, #28:
How did the church banish you? Sounds like a tough situation. I'm just curious.
32. BI said the following at 11:27 AM on Dec 23:
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twilley, 31
They just did – politely and gently without many words. Of course, I cannot give you too much detail as it will be unfair to them without giving them the chance to say their side of the story. When one is not wanted, s/he just does not want to be on the way of people. I have told them that if they need me, I’ll be more than willing to participate (as I did in the past in various activities). But I received no reply. Besides, I want to be useful to them but I can’t impose myself on others who show that they do not care about me and they do not even want to call me or email me. I guess I am not good enough for them.
33. Kathleen said the following at 11:50 AM on Dec 23:
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"To Kristina #24: How do you know God told you that you'd be married in two years?"
Kristina, I was wondering the same thing.
If you are not married in two years, will you then conclude that it wasn't God who was speaking to you?
That seems like circular logic to me, so I'm wondering if you've thought about how you'll reason this.
34. BI said the following at 12:27 PM on Dec 23:
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twilley, 31
I think sometimes it's hard for people to admit they are wrong. They will do all kinds of things in order to avoid this. This is in short my story, my really long story.
35. Tara (not the other Tara) said the following at 2:11 PM on Dec 23:
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I think it's possible that God told Kristina that she would be married in two years--God does speak to us. BUT there has to be checks. God speaks to us primarily through His Word, through prayer and also through His people. I'm Anabaptist and we believe in group interpretation as we all commue with the same Holy Spirit. And the theory is that group interpretation helps hold back, uh, "quacks" or domineering ministers.
Kristina, I would talk to those you trust with spiritual matters and ask them their thoughts on what you believe God said to you. Have them pray about it. Also, pray about it yourself EVERY night and read your Bible! Yes, there won't be a verse about your situation but every verse is God-breathed and will let you know about His Will (for all believers) and Character and Heart. Keep searching and ALWAYS test the spirits. Please be open to the fact you may be mistaken or that the "promise" was your own wishful thinking. I've heard God make promises that were kept and I've also been wrong about what I heard (realizing I was wrong before there was a chance to be proven wrong). But even if you're right, give it over to Him. He's not a magic genie to grant our every wish. We must say "Your will, not mine".
God bless, and I hope everything works out for you! :)
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As to the original topic: my last Christmas as a single was three years ago and yes, it was pretty miserable. I remember vowing I would never be alone at Christmas again. Previous Christmases had been fine but that particular Christmas was hard. I can't really remember what made that one Christmas so particularily difficult but I do recall spending alot of time on the couch feeling fat and ugly and depressed. However, God was with me during that time and brought me a "peace that passeth understanding". A few days later, when I was celebrating New Years Eve still just as single I remember being struck by a sudden calm and joy right in the midst of the countdown. As my friends all shouted, "Happy New Year" I realized that this was going to be the year I would be happy being single. It was the best feeling in the world! God is so good.
I'm almost afraid to note that I was dating my now-husband by the following autumn as I don't want to give the impression of there being a magic formula. On that New Years day I was prepared for a life of singlehood--even though it still hurt--and that peace was so precious to me. I'm now clinging to that memory because I'm married and want children which can be another long, painful wait over which I have no control.
But God is good. :)
36. Morghan said the following at 4:36 PM on Dec 23:
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Thank you so much for both articles you wrote! I actually have been doing exactly what you described...from contacting/thinking about ex's and old crushes to trying to imagine myself with otherwise unacceptable matches that I know now. I was just this afternoon telling my best friend I may never get married. This article really helped me put things back into perspective. I'm sure I'll still experience some sadness, but I know He knows what's best for me and would not withhold any good thing. I hope you & your husband have a wonderful 1st Christmas! God bless!!
37. Kristina said the following at 5:22 PM on Dec 23:
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To all who ask how God told me I would be married in 2 years:
I know it sounds nuts. LOL. I had just gone to a retreat where the Lord opened up my eyes to the fact that I was wasting my singleness wallowing in self-pity and not serving Him. I finally let go of my worrying about MY will not being done and signed up for Children's ministry the very next weekend. Not too long after that I was going over different events in my life that would all coincidentally be happening/completed in the next two years. I sort of jokingly asked the Lord if all that was to prepare me to be married. I almost immediately, in that still small voice heard, "yes," and the number two just kept flashing in my mind. For months I kept praying and asking, "Are you sure that wasn't just my wishful thinking, Lord." Trust me, I wanted to be sure, but every answer seems to be "Yes."
I've spoken to a couple of godly women and not one has mentioned red flags about the situation, but I admit I haven't asked for them to pray over it. I may just do that. I know I've done plenty of praying about it and I still continue to pray every night for a godly husband, but I'm not exactly impartial. lol
I do see that He is preparing me for marriage. So many things are happening to show me, but at the same time, if for some reason it doesn't happen, I will know that it wasn't Him and that I was in fact mistaken... and, as hard as it will be (and already is), I will continue to try to patiently wait, still giving thanks for all He's done to refine and prepare me thus far.
38. BI said the following at 7:01 PM on Dec 23:
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twilley,
Many people, even on this blog, find great pleasure in doing the following: they will say things gently but the actual meaning of the words is slightly disguised to step on someone’s foot and make them feel extremely angry but doing so with enough political correctness that only the person of interest gets it. In this way, their tongues bite venomously but no one really knows it except the person of interest and their public image is kept intact and they appear all gentle and good intentioned as good Christians. Every time I get caught up in such petty games, I have to repent before my Lord and before others for what I have done. Smart games of words do not impress the Lord as He sees only lies, dishonesty, wickedness and pride in our desire to prove we are better than someone while building up our self-image in the public eye. God calls it idolatry.
That kind of behavior of political correctness has so pervaded American culture these days that everyone thinks it’s normal to be wicked in this way as to say things that appear one way for the general public but actually carry a different message beneath the surface. And we love it. We have no fear of God anymore – we care only how to make others like us better while biting spitefully at our enemies and no means are spared. Dishonesty, lies and wickedness are employed at all levels and we forget that God calls us to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. I surely I am not afraid for my public image but I am afraid of not obeying God and of not walking according to His will. People may hate me, may sneer at me, may surround me and threaten to kill me but I won’t compromise. My God and His truth are more important to me than my own life. How are others around me going to believe my testimony if I am to behave like the world around me does?
Nowadays people do not even care how awfully lukewarm they are in their faith – they say they are Christians, while they do all kinds of wicked and evil things that the world does. They are not at all afraid or shaken by God’s warnings in the Bible about what He will do to such wicked people who pretend to know Him but actually do all kind of evil things worshipping the idols of the culture. And I am just touching the tip of the iceberg with my example of how intelligent smart people use their tongues and knowledge to destroy other people’s lives while perfectly preserving their own reputation and good image in the public eye. No wonder many people sneered at the prophets and the men of God in the Bible and tried to do all kinds of evil against them – they were challenging the status quo of their own times and wanted to purge people’s minds and hearts with the words they received from God but people liked wickedness more than God’s ways. But Jesus says in the Bible in order for one to find true life, s/he has to lay down and give up his/her own life. If others choose wickedness and choose to treat you this way, let them be – they will surely get their reward when the time comes.
39. Colin said the following at 9:22 PM on Dec 23:
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I share sympathies with Kristina -- while I'm away from Fort Worth due to the Christmas break from law school I feel God nudging me to start making relational commitments chiefly by joining a church next spring and starting to build the rest of my non-law school life.
Ironically enough, several have asked about my current relational status. I know I'll find someone eventually; I just have to do it confidently.
40. Angie at 36 said the following at 9:48 PM on Dec 23:
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You know, ironically your article on being Alone for the Holidays, has me feeling less alone. Guess I'm not the only one in the boat. I have to agree with the previous sentiments and say that your topics are always timely, Suzanne, thank you. I do have an issue though with using Abraham's life as an example to us singles: "I think of the biblical account of Abraham. God promised him a son, but as the years passed Abraham began to lose hope."
In general, this whole business of waiting stinks. And so, it's comforting to us to look at the lives of Biblical characters for hope. But, the story of Abraham only gets me frustrated. This is because Abraham was given a DIRECT promise from God that he would have a son. And most of us singles have received no such directly divine information. And so, we live on the edge of knowing that we may never marry. It is a real possibility. God promised us His love and eternal life; he never promised a companion for wading through this life's journey. It is a real fear.
And so, when you say, "Longings for good things we do not yet possess can push us closer to the Savior.", I guess I agree with you in principle. BUT, that has been my struggle. How do I allow the longing, along with that fear of "maybe never" to push me towards God rather than further away? After all "a hope deferred [does] make the heart sick".
That's my struggle, my dilemma. I figured that maybe if I wrote about it on here I might find out that once again, I'm not alone.
41. Ted Slater said the following at 8:20 AM on Dec 24:
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Bl (#38), you wrote that certain people here ...
"will say things gently but the actual meaning of the words is slightly disguised to step on someone’s foot and make them feel extremely angry but doing so with enough political correctness that only the person of interest gets it. In this way, their tongues bite venomously but no one really knows it except the person of interest and their public image is kept intact and they appear all gentle and good intentioned as good Christians."
I have to ask: Are you doing in this particular comment what you accuse others of doing? Are you, for example, thinking of anyone in particular when you speak of those whose "tongues bite venomously"?
Hypocrisy is a pretty harsh accusation, Bl. If you want to correct someone, I ask that you communicate less indirectly.
42. Suzanne Hadley Gosselin said the following at 9:00 AM on Dec 24:
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Angie 36: I think Abraham's life still applies. When he was about to sacrifice his son Isaac, that was his "maybe never." As believers we need to redefine "maybe never" as the best thing if that is what God is bringing to pass. That was a perspective I continually sought to embrace in my singleness. That "maybe never" didn't mean God loved me less or was withholding something—only that if "maybe never" happened, it would be His best for me. That's a hard truth to swallow. I realize that. But Abraham embraced that truth (that God would fulfill the promise in another way), when He gave up his son.
43. Priscilla said the following at 2:35 PM on Dec 24:
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Thanks for the article, Suzanne. Today is my last Christmas as a single woman -- I'm getting married in exactly ten days!
I know the feeling of being alone a Christmas though. In my part of the world, due to the extreme heat of summer, it's the week between Christmas and New Year, when friends and family are on holiday, which is the most popular time for weddings. There have been times when I've gone for two weddings in a day in late December and everyone is asking, "So when's your turn?" I've cringed every time, and have promised myself I will never, never ask anyone that question.
My mother has also been convinced every Christmas for the last five years that this would be her daughter's last Christmas as a single girl. She even felt the Lord was telling her so. I've felt the crash of disappointment as another Christmas rolled by without her predictions coming true.
This time last year, I was 28 and finally facing the fact that I could actually turn 30 without a man in my life. It was hard, very hard. But the Lord promised again and again that he would be there right by my side whether a man was there or not.
Three months later, I met the man whom I will marry next month! And I'm actually glad for one last Christmas as a single woman without worrying about finding the right guy.
Here's the postscript: I've just returned from our midnight Christmas Eve service, where the pastor was speaking on various aspects of Immanuel, God with us.
And I had to thank God for being with me, right beside me all through the hard single years. But I also thanked him for promising to be with me, right beside me all through the hard married years that lie ahead. I'm under no illusions that I'll never have a tough or sad Christmas again.
In those odd moments in these last days of singlehood when I worry about leaving my parents, or speculate about the unknowns of married life, I have to remind myself that my husband-to-be may not always be with me, my parents may not always be with me, but God is still Immanuel, and he is always with me.
44. twilley said the following at 4:18 PM on Dec 24:
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BI,
Sorry to hear about your troubles. Hope and pray you find a community soon you can worship with.
45. Denise said the following at 8:05 PM on Dec 24:
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I think that what makes the "hope" of a future spouse difficult for singles is that few actually know that God will work in that way on their behalf. And He hasn't promised one way or the other to most singles. That is not to discourage, only to say that the challenge of faith can't be to hold on to the hope that it will happen. That's not so much faith as a wish.
It's faith to simply continue walking with the Lord, lonesome or not lonesome, happy or unhappy. It's very similar to Paul saying "I know how to be abased and how to abound." In whatever state he was in, he was joyful, as he did not count the things of this life as the source of his contentment. As a single 20something I know that can be hard to hear. But it's true nonetheless.
Sometimes God speaks a marriage promise to us, but for most, there's no such assurance, even if it is statistically likely. He is present nonetheless, and knowing Him and communing with Him is what we will spend the rest of eternity doing. It may take a lifetime to really, deeply and truly understand and appreciate that, but getting there will be worth it.
46. Jen said the following at 6:33 AM on Dec 25:
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Suzanne,
Thank you SO much for writing this article. Just yesterday I was sitting in my living room by the tree just feeling self-pity, loneliness, and bitterness. I'm about to graduate from college in five short months, and I always envisaged getting married very soon after. Of course, I go to a women's college so that probably explains more realistically why there is no one in my life right now! :) However, it's easy to think that because I'm awkward, or too selfish, or haven't been following the Lord as best as I could this past year, that I don't deserve anyone at all. That robs me and others of the grace that God so freely gave and gives through His Son, and thinking about when He gave Jesus all those years ago, makes me understand that. And you definitely helped me see that at the exact time that I was struggling with it--God is so faithful and good!
And yet, for some reason, I can't get that nagging fear that I am not good enough for a loving husband and I might as well get over that hope and go on with living...
47. Jessica D said the following at 8:13 AM on Dec 25:
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Kathleen (19)-I agree!! My thoughts exactly!!
This is my first Christmas being 30 and single. I look forward to a life of loving and sharing and knowing God--it doesn't necessarily have to be through the avenue of marriage and children (though I would like to be married and have children). I hope to be creative with my life if God does not give me the cookie-cutter 'marriage and kids' version I've always expected!! : ) God HIMSELF is enough to satisfy all my desires and longings--I believe that and I refuse to settle for less. "Israel's strength and consolation, hope of all the earth thou art; dear desire of every nation, joy of every longing heart."
I can, however, relate to those who are lonely. I used to be INCREDIBLY depressed this time of year and even now I do get little twinges of wistfulness (that are LESS painful each year, rather than more). I think Christmas is tough because it's the end of the year and a time of inventory and reflection and thinking about yourself and often comparing to other people's lives as well as other people's expectations. I have found it helpful that in whatever circumstance to place my hope in God--not it the things he may give me but just simply in His person and who He is and what He's ALREADY done. 'Unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given! ...And His Name shalled be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. And of the increase of his government and of peacevthere will be no end!!
Merry, MERRY Christmas!!! May the JOY of the Gospel be the strength and power for those who feel alone this Christmas! : )
P.S. The article on dealing with the past sexual sin of a spouse is excellent for dealing with any painful experience. I've learned all those truths in that article over my years of complaining to God about my singleness.
48. Nate said the following at 9:57 AM on Dec 25:
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Suzanne, et al:
Firstly, thank you for the excellent article and reminder of what is really important at Christmas.
This year is the first Christmas I am 'officially' alone, after a divorce, (not counting the number of 'married' Christmas's I was alone as well). Christmas Eve was spent largely in an emotional pit for a variety of reasons...loneliness, anger, bitterness at what's happened over the last few years, and the angst that is all causing a fledgling relationship I've entered in. I spent most of the day crying and praying intensely. It was one of the hardest days I've had, and at times even despaired of life. How can such nagging pain actually be good for me? I ran out of tears and emotions and collapsed in bed.
I woke up Christmas morning, however, feeling refreshed and hopeful. Though I am alone humanly, I'm not alone overall. Jesus came to earth for me, and is with me in everything. It doesn't really remove the pain, but gives me hope for the future and comfort that He is all I need. How awful it would be to experience all this without Him being there.
More then anything in this world I want to be in a loving marriage relationship / friendship / companionship, complete with a family of my own. The pain of life, abandonment, and loneliness is almost unbearable some days. I understand where where my lonely brothers & sisters are coming from. But unless I hope in God to fulfill His promises to me & in me, what else can I hope in? What have I to live for if not for the hope of better days ahead and seeing God work? We either believe what He says to us, or we don't.
Many of you, like me, have felt alone and 'apparently' are alone. But not only is God always there, but your brothers and sisters up here on Boundless and elsewhere. You're NOT alone, NOT forgotten, and others know your pain.
Don't let satan imprison you behind the bars of lost hope and despair; a prison with no lock. God has been too faithful us in so many other ways...He sees all of us and never forgets us!! Do we believe Him or not? All this is from an equally lonely, sad human; alone another holiday, holding onto that thread of hope with everything I have.
And like Suzanne...things can change for us so quickly...especially when we aren't looking for it.
Merry Christmas to all of you.
Respectfully submitted,
--NMM
49. Bekah said the following at 3:36 PM on Dec 25:
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Nate (48)
Thank you for your vulnerability! And we DO either believe God or we don't. Hold on to hope, brother. He is faithful to walk with us. He carries our burdens, our sorrows, our joys, our desires. He is God with us.
May you have a Spirit-filled Christmas. And Merry Christmas to all Boundless readers. May we live the next year focused on Him, the author and perfecter of our faith.
50. Rebekah said the following at 9:30 PM on Dec 25:
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Thanks Suzanne, excellent article.
51. Jo said the following at 5:22 AM on Dec 26:
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BI,
"I am always alone when it comes to people: I live in a country where most people are atheists and I choose not to have any deeper relationships with non-Christians. In order to get on a deeper level with non-Christians (male or female) and even networking, gambling, smoking, partying, dancing or sex"
I don't know where you live, but I'm in England where the vast majority of people aren't Christians, so I'm not out of touch with your problem. But honestly, I think you're totally wrong when you say you would have to participate in sin to be friends with people who don't share your faith. You have to be strong, yes, but it sounds like you are. How will these non-Christians ever come to Jesus if Christians don't risk getting close to them? I really respect your desire to stay pure, but it shouldn't stop you reaching out to people that God loves. You absolutely can love those around you and have real relationships with them without compromising your own faith.
52. BI said the following at 10:50 AM on Dec 26:
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Jo,
Do you know me so that you can pass judgment on me whether I relate well with non-Christians? Please, get to know me first before you can say such things. If you knew me, you would know how vastly different I am in person – after all, part of my duty and responsibility at work is conflict resolution and coordination and communication with different people, most of them secular.
Right now I have a greater problem with stubborn and prideful Christian people who only care about themselves and think that I am not as good as they are. Giving up of oneself requires giving up of sin and evil desires, including pride, selfishness and lies. Arrogance instead of humility is what pervades today too many Christians – they think that they can get away with sin for free. That is what I am going to challenge: their assumptions and behaviors. Our love cannot save people; only Jesus’ Spirit can. But how can one make the salt salty again if it loses its saltiness?
53. Jo said the following at 1:20 PM on Dec 26:
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BI,
I wasn't judging you or assuming anything about you. You said, "I choose not to have any deeper relationships with non-Christians." That's what I responded to. I didn't mean to upset you with my comment and I don't think I'm better than you, but I do stand by what I said. You're free to disagree with me, of course.
54. BI said the following at 1:52 PM on Dec 26:
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Jo,
What do you think "deeper relationships with non-Christians" means? I am not upset; I was honest as usual.
55. Chris said the following at 3:19 PM on Dec 26:
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I found myself needing to re-read the original article each day over the last few days as a reminder that I'm not alone during the Christmas holiday. And each time, I notice something different that resonates with me. Again, I can't thank you enough for writing this article when you did.
56. BI said the following at 5:08 PM on Dec 26:
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Jo,
It’s fairly easy to communicate with seculars. I can pretend and show the right appearance without saying many words and somehow sway people into believing that I am like them. All I have to do is appear the way they expect me to appear on the surface. I can actually do this even with Christians and do exactly what they want me to do and appear the way they want me to appear in order for them to accept me the way they want to perceive me. However, I cannot deny Jesus and pretend to be something I am not – a hypocrite. I am called by my Father to give up my life and this requires for me to be honest with Christians even at the highest cost.
You see, Jo, my church wanted me to apologize for the truth – for exposing a certain man of dishonest behavior and for saying that God reveals things personally to me in dreams and visions. They tried to torture me and banish me in order to make me say that the lie is true and the truth is a lie. Similar to Galileo Galilee, my church wanted me to renounce what I knew to be true and they tried to force me to do this in the best possible way they could come up with – by isolating me, by banishing me and by spreading false rumors about me. If we were in the Middle Ages, I would have already been either tortured and killed or forced to renounce my beliefs similar to Galileo even if they did not contradict with the main Biblical message. Interestingly how this kind of behavior goes along with the compassion and love that Jesus showed to all people, even to his enemies which crucified him. Did Jesus hurt someone or try to impose his authoritarian rule by force even if he alone had every right to do it? How convenient is when you claim to know the truth and at the same time have the power and authority to impose on others your rule by force! However, Jesus did not do that, did he? Jesus was the only truth and yet he had to do the will of His Father and give up his life in the hands of evil men in the name of the greatest love in the world. Jesus was accused in a lie, a blasphemy against God, and he was tortured and crucified for not renouncing the truth. Many people loved Jesus dearly but he had to die alone because this was His Father’s will in order to accomplish what His Father wanted him to do for the greater good. Similar to Jesus, the prophet Jeremiah could not marry because he had to suffer in the hands of men and do the will of God – he had to be selfless and do the will of God during times of arrogance, sin and evil.
Even when God started to fulfill one by one the prophecies and the warnings I gave them more than 2 years ago, these people are still stubborn: they do not believe and do not want to change their ways. They still want God to serve them and their selfish ambitions as if God does not care about what they do and will let them continue without intervening in a special way. If God does not intervene, evil will reign in this world and destroy everything, and they will go to hell. But God has already started and he will intervene (and speak) on my behalf when the time comes. Then you will understand.
57. Krista said the following at 10:25 PM on Dec 26:
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This article and all the comments helped me a lot. I am dealing with my first kind/sort of break up and it was really ugly. With this incident so fresh this Christmas was exceptionally hard. I found myself constantly having to keep my thoughts in check and to keep reminding myself of both the promises that God spoke to me personally and through the ancient words.
58. Jo said the following at 10:00 AM on Dec 27:
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BI,
"What do you think "deeper relationships with non-Christians" means?"
Maybe we mean different things by it. I simply meant having meaningful conversation, being open and honest with each other, helping each other and being there for each other.
I was thinking about this post and your comments today when I met up with some old friends (non-Christians). My friendships with them are pretty shallow, and to be honest I can't think of many non-Christians that I'm really close to. Not for the same reasons as you stated, but simply because I don't have a lot in common with many non-Christians of my age, especially in terms of lifestyle. I think that can happen if we're not careful, and I think I personally need to be more intentional about seeking friendships with people outside my church family, because I really do think it's important to love people - really love them in an active way, as Jesus did.
Your situation with your church sounds very hard. I hope you find a good church where you can feel accepted.
59. BI said the following at 1:21 PM on Dec 27:
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Jo,
In general I agree with you about the way we should love people. It is interesting that one of my best friends is perhaps a non-Christian (I’m not sure where he is in the faith even though I talked with him a lot about my faith), but he helped me so much in difficult moments. He did not judge me or left me alone when I was in big trouble like my so-called Christian friends did, but he was there for me. I hope I can be there for him and for others when I have the chance even if they are not my friends. That’s the point of life for me – to serve Jesus and others. Hence, for me it’s more important that I do the will of my Lord than to feel accepted by people. Proverbs 19: 1 says it best. God’s love is unconditional, but unfortunately people’s love is very often conditional. It’s always easy to be accepted by people if you do what pleases them and pretend to be something you are not; however, it’s much harder to be like Jesus and love and serve without having to embrace sinful lifestyles. And yet, with non-Christians I can witness about Jesus, but my greatest fear are Christians who say they have accepted Jesus but still do evil – I do not know what to do about that. However, the Lord is with me so I have nothing to be afraid of.
60. MR said the following at 10:45 AM on Dec 29:
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Great article, and very timely.
Christmas is hard because there's a lot of free time. And this year it's esp. hard b/c not only am I single (as I have been for the past three years) but I'm having friend problems as well - where it seems I've been outrightly rejected by one, and distanced from several by them having other priorities / being in other cities. I've realized that the hardest thing about being single is not to be someone's priority, ya know what I mean? I've tried to embrace my solitude and picked up reading again, which has always given me solace.
What I'm worried about is, on the whole, I feel like I'm getting less able to be a normal, relational person - I just feel this distance with everyone as I get older (I'm 27). That makes it really painful. I know it's not just me who feels like this, but other people's pain pains me rather than encourages me - though it does make me feel less like an abnormal freak, which is good :).
But last night I was just thinking that if I knew something really good was going to happen soon, all this loneliness and pain would instantaneously turn into joyful solitude (which I've experienced before - I can be alone and utterly content for days if I knew I had some sort of great occasion coming up)! So THAT'S the nature of the Hope we're meant to have! Suzanne, I think our brains are connected somehow :)
61. BI said the following at 5:48 AM on Dec 30:
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twilley, 44 – you wrote > Sorry to hear about your troubles. Hope and pray you find a community soon you can worship with.<
Sometimes a person has to suffer and die under the hits of religious leaders in order to rise one day and be with Jesus in His eternal kingdom. For instance, if you invite me to your church, I would never go to it because I do not consider a church which approves of homosexual behavior as a church of Christ. And I am not going to be silent about it even if other people hate me and treat me bad. For me, holding to what I believe is true and not condoning sinful behavior which can lead souls to hell is much more important than my personal comfort and what people may think and say about me. The love of my Father and my fear from being separated from Him are much more important to me than what people think about me or whether they want me or not in their churches.
62. SH said the following at 10:55 AM on Dec 30:
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I believe that we have many direct promises from God. Bible verses like Psalms 84:11 promise us that no good thing would He withhold from those who walk uprightly. This means that if we are walking with Jesus and living according to his Word, then we can be rest assured that at any given moment in our lives, we have every good thing.
This verse has really, really helped me to endure the many disappointments that I have faced in my life. It is serves as my daily assurance. Please feel free to share any Bible verses that have helped you in your waiting process or in life, in general.
63. twilley said the following at 11:06 AM on Dec 30:
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BI, #61:
Yep, I would expect that you'd never want to go to church with me. And I've got no problem with that. Not real sure why you needed to let me know that, but alrighty then.
Just wanted to express my hope that soon you will find somewhere that you can worship in community.
64. BI said the following at 2:00 PM on Dec 30:
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twilley, 63
I'd love to go with you to a church which does not contradict basic Christian doctrine and does call sin sin. The example I gave was about a church which embraces sinful practices and behaviors as I perceive them.
65. twilley said the following at 4:19 AM on Dec 31:
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BI, #64:
Yep, I already know what you think of my church... and I don't really care!
Have a nice day!
66. Befuddled said the following at 12:04 PM on Dec 31:
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The difference in Christian love seen between Twilley and Bl is very telling.
May the New Year prove meaningful to all!