Forgiving the Past by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 12/07/2009 at 10:38 AM

In today's Boundless Answers, a reader asks Candice how to deal with naysayers to her relationship with a used-to-be-party-boy. The guy is now walking consistently with Christ, but those who knew him before the change are coming on strong with the warnings.

Candice gives her usual sage advice. She asks, "Is the repentance real?" If so, it is cause to celebrate someone whose life has been transformed by grace and Christ's power.

The good news about this situation is that your family and friends care about you enough to ask hard questions and speak into your life. I suspect we'd have fewer failed relationships if more people had that kind of wise counsel. You can afford to give them the benefit of the doubt, believing they have your best interest at heart. Thank them for their concern, tell them the good news about your boyfriend's change of heart and change of habits, and then — and this is key — invite them to spend time with the two of you and to observe for themselves.

Candice calls for mentorship and accountability, which can only strengthen the change that has occurred in this man's life.

This question reminded me of something the Lord taught me in my early twenties. I was fresh out of Bible college, and when I thought about the type of person I would date or marry, I had a standard that was based more on what he'd done (or not done) than who he was. Of course, he could have made little mistakes, I decided, but I assumed "the biggies" would never enter my world.

Then I got to know a godly potential suitor who had made mistakes. At the right time, he was honest with me about them. As I processed this new information, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that his character was godly, he was under proper authority and that he sought the Lord daily. I also observed that he had accepted Christ's forgiveness and carried no unhealthy shame. He truly was free.

This changed me. I talked it through with my parents, and I realized something: The way someone is currently living — or more precisely their current relationship with God — is more important than choices they have made in the past. Of course, someone's past actions are something to seriously consider in a relationship (Has a true change taken place and what are potential consequences of irresponsible choices?), but the current state of someone's heart, mind and soul carry infinitely more weight (to God) than a spotless record.

Another resource that helped me at the time, was Joshua Harris' book, "Boy Meets Girl," where he talks about reaching this same conclusion. If there is any danger, it is in wanting to justify someone who has not truly repented of sin issues. But, the Lord does not remember the sins of one who has truly turned away from them (Heb. 8:12); so we are not required to either.

Forgiving the Past by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 12/07/2009 at 10:38 AM

In today's Boundless Answers, a reader asks Candice how to deal with naysayers to her relationship with a used-to-be-party-boy. The guy is now walking consistently with Christ, but those who knew him before the change are coming on strong with the warnings.

Candice gives her usual sage advice. She asks, "Is the repentance real?" If so, it is cause to celebrate someone whose life has been transformed by grace and Christ's power.

The good news about this situation is that your family and friends care about you enough to ask hard questions and speak into your life. I suspect we'd have fewer failed relationships if more people had that kind of wise counsel. You can afford to give them the benefit of the doubt, believing they have your best interest at heart. Thank them for their concern, tell them the good news about your boyfriend's change of heart and change of habits, and then — and this is key — invite them to spend time with the two of you and to observe for themselves.

Candice calls for mentorship and accountability, which can only strengthen the change that has occurred in this man's life.

This question reminded me of something the Lord taught me in my early twenties. I was fresh out of Bible college, and when I thought about the type of person I would date or marry, I had a standard that was based more on what he'd done (or not done) than who he was. Of course, he could have made little mistakes, I decided, but I assumed "the biggies" would never enter my world.

Then I got to know a godly potential suitor who had made mistakes. At the right time, he was honest with me about them. As I processed this new information, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that his character was godly, he was under proper authority and that he sought the Lord daily. I also observed that he had accepted Christ's forgiveness and carried no unhealthy shame. He truly was free.

This changed me. I talked it through with my parents, and I realized something: The way someone is currently living — or more precisely their current relationship with God — is more important than choices they have made in the past. Of course, someone's past actions are something to seriously consider in a relationship (Has a true change taken place and what are potential consequences of irresponsible choices?), but the current state of someone's heart, mind and soul carry infinitely more weight (to God) than a spotless record.

Another resource that helped me at the time, was Joshua Harris' book, "Boy Meets Girl," where he talks about reaching this same conclusion. If there is any danger, it is in wanting to justify someone who has not truly repented of sin issues. But, the Lord does not remember the sins of one who has truly turned away from them (Heb. 8:12); so we are not required to either.

Comments

[1. Kellie said the following at 11:18 AM on Dec 7:]

1

I agree completely. My husband was raised in a non-Christian home and became a Christian in college. Even after becoming a Christian, he made some serious mistakes. But I met him several years later and he had repented of his past and was (and is) a Godly man. I could see no reason for me to hold his past against him if God didn't.

[2. BDB said the following at 12:58 PM on Dec 7:]

2

Before this thread goes too far down the road of forgiving the distant past, I wanted to mention that everyone marries a sinner; there simply isn't anyone else available to marry.

So, it's worth your time to think through what kind of accountability you would require for current sin.

Let me use an example that isn't often used in Christian circles: someone working under the table and not paying taxes. If they are a household worker, their employers are committing a felony, and they are engaging in tax evasion, which is a crime.

So, where would you set the accountability? Would you say that you wouldn't date them until they got a job where their taxes were witheld? Would you say that you wouldn't marry them until they filed all their past tax returns and associated penalties? Would you require the past tax returns if you knew that it would probably trigger an audit of their employer that could land them in jail?

This isn't just men working in construction, landscaping or restaurants. It could also be women working as nannies, restaurant servers or (God Forbid) at a church who doesn't understand taxes.

It's worth thinking through and discussing with mentors how to address current issues, because even if you don't face them with your spouse after you are married, you are almost certain to face something with your kids.

[3. Asa said the following at 3:21 PM on Dec 7:]

3

"...everyone marries a sinner; there simply isn't anyone else available to marry. So, it's worth your time to think through what kind of accountability you would require for current sin."

Absolutely. Given that, should my number one concern be not that those mistakes are "behind me" now, but a question of when I do sin, how do I handle it?

[4. Anon said the following at 4:27 PM on Dec 7:]

4

There's a big difference between who someone USED to be and who they are now.

I once dated and considered marrying, a man who had once been involved in a homosexual lifestyle (celibate but had "dated" men). He had fully repented, was in a mentoring relationship, and was living a God-honoring life when we met and became friends. Once we started developing feelings for one another, he was completely honest with me about his past and humbly stated that he wanted to give me a chance to ask any questions or to decide if I even wanted to pursue a relationship with him.

He eventually ended up breaking off our relationship because he felt we weren't compatible, but he did end up marrying (a woman) and is still serving God today.

God CAN and DOES change people. If their lives are showing good fruit, there is no reason for anyone to doubt their conversion.

The last guy I was interested in had quite the party past and he was claiming that he had given it up and that God was convicting him of it and that he didn't want to do those things anymore. He even went so far as to tell me that he was starting to cut off friendships with people from his past who kept dragging him back into the partying lifestyle. I found out (through Facebook, of all places) that he was still partying and I made the decision to end our budding relationship when I found out he had not been entirely truthful with me. I still pray that God works in his life to bring him fully into His will, but I could not continue developing a romantic relationship with him while he was not submitting himself to a pastor/mentor/etc.

I believe that if a person's actions and their words are lining up with true repentance, then they should not be judged for past sins.

[5. em said the following at 6:59 PM on Dec 7:]

5

Excellent post and advice! I totally agree and have experienced this myself.

[6. John said the following at 8:03 PM on Dec 7:]

6

Bdb,

Your suggestion to only date law-abiding citizens is well-intentioned, but implausible, as you are gauging your lawful and moral expectations of behaviour according to what Government tells you is acceptable.

How do you define "acceptable?" The average person commits three felonies a day, according to Harvey Silverglate. If you’re not in prison, it’s not due to innocence, but because the prosecutors simply haven’t noticed (yet). In light of this, the suggestion that we have to live up the standard demanded by innumerable Governmental legislative requirements is, well, impossible. Hence, suggesting that spousal candidates live entirely in accordance with government to the n’th degree sounds more like a misinformed interpretation of Romans 13, a bowing of the knee to leviathan, in mistaken idol worship.

Whilst the ensnaring tentacles of democracy (the god that has failed) have covered most of the globe, my westernised lifestyle means I have to live somewhere that is under the law of a State and subject to millions of coercive statutes. Even with that unhappy restriction, it is still possible to live by conscience, subject to the prodding of the Holy Spirit, knowing that we will be judged by God under a covenant of grace ... thankfully.

[7. Tami said the following at 9:14 PM on Dec 7:]

7

Anyone read "Our Daily Bread"? The reading today was about forgiveness.

As I pondered it, and the Scripture they "assigned" for the day (Luke 23:32-43), I realized the powerlessness of any attempt to TRULY forgive outside of Christ's power. To truly forgive as Christ commands -- from the heart, 70 x 7 times (a metaphor for "countlessly") -- takes a transformative act that is, in some cases, just as radical as the transformative work that Christ does in a repentant partier's (or whoever's) life.

[8. BDB said the following at 10:29 PM on Dec 7:]

8

John (#6) - there is no statute of limitations on tax evasion. That means that if you marry someone who has failed to file their tax returns and pay their taxes in the past, after you are married, the government can come after YOU and garnish YOUR wages because you are now filing together.

Yes, you MAY be able to use the "innocent spouse" defense to keep yourself out of jail. But if your spouse faces a choice between jail time and paying past due taxes and penalties, chances are spouses will dig into their savings to settle the debt rather than divorcing them and letting them go to jail.

[9. Jeremy said the following at 11:52 PM on Dec 7:]

9

John (#6):

There is a pretty straightforward difference between breaking the law accidentally or through ignorance, and breaking it intentionally. The former may indeed be an almost inescapable part of everyday life, but the latter is a clear violation of the Biblical command to submit to governing authorities.

The central issue is one of attitude, and strikes me as similar to one's attitude towards sin. Does one say that since we are all sinners, let's not try to obey God? Does one say that since we all break laws anyway, we should not strive to submit to the law? Both are unacceptable for the believer.

[10. Keith said the following at 9:44 AM on Dec 8:]

10

If a person can't forgive someone else's past, then it clear that person doesn't understand what it means to be forgiven by God.

If you can't love someone else unconditionally, then that person doesn't understand what it means to be loved by God.

Critics like these need to start remembering what Christ has done for them - and go from there......
It

[11. John said the following at 6:11 PM on Dec 8:]

11

Maybe the guy in this case really is living clean now, I don't know. But it seems that all too often people say they recently came to God as a get out of jail free card. This routine is still fooling all the naive women in the church (there sure seem to be a lot of them). These naive women then "understand" when they catch these guys doing wrong b/c "oh, they're just new Christians, they're not used to not sinning...".

I guess its so true that all these women want "bad guys" or they want ones that were until recently (but still secretly are).

[12. andy said the following at 2:42 PM on Dec 9:]

12

I have been married for 25 years and thought my wife had always been faithful to me. In thinking about some events 22 years ago, I came to the realization that she slept with another man. She denies this 100% but I am unable to believe her, and I know she is not a committed Christian and does not, refuses to, go to any church. What can I do? Should I let her deny it and just forgive her, or should I leave? I do wonder if there has been any other time it occurred.

[13. Jo said the following at 12:43 AM on Dec 10:]

13

andy 12:
You've suddenly become convinced that your wife cheated on you 22 years ago? I know you didn't give the full story, but I'd really caution you against jumping to that conclusion, unless you have actual proof that it happened. Are there other problems in your relationship that are making it difficult to trust her now? Is this a distraction from real issues or an attempt to find her guilty of something? It may not be, but the situation sounds strange. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like you have much basis for accusing her, and I can't help wondering if you're avoiding something else, or actively looking for something to blame her for. You haven't given much information though, so my apologies if I've completely misunderstood your position.

[14. Rachael said the following at 11:47 AM on Dec 11:]

14

Andy,

I think you should stay with her.

[1. Kellie said the following at 11:18 AM on Dec 7:]

1

I agree completely. My husband was raised in a non-Christian home and became a Christian in college. Even after becoming a Christian, he made some serious mistakes. But I met him several years later and he had repented of his past and was (and is) a Godly man. I could see no reason for me to hold his past against him if God didn't.

[2. BDB said the following at 12:58 PM on Dec 7:]

2

Before this thread goes too far down the road of forgiving the distant past, I wanted to mention that everyone marries a sinner; there simply isn't anyone else available to marry.

So, it's worth your time to think through what kind of accountability you would require for current sin.

Let me use an example that isn't often used in Christian circles: someone working under the table and not paying taxes. If they are a household worker, their employers are committing a felony, and they are engaging in tax evasion, which is a crime.

So, where would you set the accountability? Would you say that you wouldn't date them until they got a job where their taxes were witheld? Would you say that you wouldn't marry them until they filed all their past tax returns and associated penalties? Would you require the past tax returns if you knew that it would probably trigger an audit of their employer that could land them in jail?

This isn't just men working in construction, landscaping or restaurants. It could also be women working as nannies, restaurant servers or (God Forbid) at a church who doesn't understand taxes.

It's worth thinking through and discussing with mentors how to address current issues, because even if you don't face them with your spouse after you are married, you are almost certain to face something with your kids.

[3. Asa said the following at 3:21 PM on Dec 7:]

3

"...everyone marries a sinner; there simply isn't anyone else available to marry. So, it's worth your time to think through what kind of accountability you would require for current sin."

Absolutely. Given that, should my number one concern be not that those mistakes are "behind me" now, but a question of when I do sin, how do I handle it?

[4. Anon said the following at 4:27 PM on Dec 7:]

4

There's a big difference between who someone USED to be and who they are now.

I once dated and considered marrying, a man who had once been involved in a homosexual lifestyle (celibate but had "dated" men). He had fully repented, was in a mentoring relationship, and was living a God-honoring life when we met and became friends. Once we started developing feelings for one another, he was completely honest with me about his past and humbly stated that he wanted to give me a chance to ask any questions or to decide if I even wanted to pursue a relationship with him.

He eventually ended up breaking off our relationship because he felt we weren't compatible, but he did end up marrying (a woman) and is still serving God today.

God CAN and DOES change people. If their lives are showing good fruit, there is no reason for anyone to doubt their conversion.

The last guy I was interested in had quite the party past and he was claiming that he had given it up and that God was convicting him of it and that he didn't want to do those things anymore. He even went so far as to tell me that he was starting to cut off friendships with people from his past who kept dragging him back into the partying lifestyle. I found out (through Facebook, of all places) that he was still partying and I made the decision to end our budding relationship when I found out he had not been entirely truthful with me. I still pray that God works in his life to bring him fully into His will, but I could not continue developing a romantic relationship with him while he was not submitting himself to a pastor/mentor/etc.

I believe that if a person's actions and their words are lining up with true repentance, then they should not be judged for past sins.

[5. em said the following at 6:59 PM on Dec 7:]

5

Excellent post and advice! I totally agree and have experienced this myself.

[6. John said the following at 8:03 PM on Dec 7:]

6

Bdb,

Your suggestion to only date law-abiding citizens is well-intentioned, but implausible, as you are gauging your lawful and moral expectations of behaviour according to what Government tells you is acceptable.

How do you define "acceptable?" The average person commits three felonies a day, according to Harvey Silverglate. If you’re not in prison, it’s not due to innocence, but because the prosecutors simply haven’t noticed (yet). In light of this, the suggestion that we have to live up the standard demanded by innumerable Governmental legislative requirements is, well, impossible. Hence, suggesting that spousal candidates live entirely in accordance with government to the n’th degree sounds more like a misinformed interpretation of Romans 13, a bowing of the knee to leviathan, in mistaken idol worship.

Whilst the ensnaring tentacles of democracy (the god that has failed) have covered most of the globe, my westernised lifestyle means I have to live somewhere that is under the law of a State and subject to millions of coercive statutes. Even with that unhappy restriction, it is still possible to live by conscience, subject to the prodding of the Holy Spirit, knowing that we will be judged by God under a covenant of grace ... thankfully.

[7. Tami said the following at 9:14 PM on Dec 7:]

7

Anyone read "Our Daily Bread"? The reading today was about forgiveness.

As I pondered it, and the Scripture they "assigned" for the day (Luke 23:32-43), I realized the powerlessness of any attempt to TRULY forgive outside of Christ's power. To truly forgive as Christ commands -- from the heart, 70 x 7 times (a metaphor for "countlessly") -- takes a transformative act that is, in some cases, just as radical as the transformative work that Christ does in a repentant partier's (or whoever's) life.

[8. BDB said the following at 10:29 PM on Dec 7:]

8

John (#6) - there is no statute of limitations on tax evasion. That means that if you marry someone who has failed to file their tax returns and pay their taxes in the past, after you are married, the government can come after YOU and garnish YOUR wages because you are now filing together.

Yes, you MAY be able to use the "innocent spouse" defense to keep yourself out of jail. But if your spouse faces a choice between jail time and paying past due taxes and penalties, chances are spouses will dig into their savings to settle the debt rather than divorcing them and letting them go to jail.

[9. Jeremy said the following at 11:52 PM on Dec 7:]

9

John (#6):

There is a pretty straightforward difference between breaking the law accidentally or through ignorance, and breaking it intentionally. The former may indeed be an almost inescapable part of everyday life, but the latter is a clear violation of the Biblical command to submit to governing authorities.

The central issue is one of attitude, and strikes me as similar to one's attitude towards sin. Does one say that since we are all sinners, let's not try to obey God? Does one say that since we all break laws anyway, we should not strive to submit to the law? Both are unacceptable for the believer.

[10. Keith said the following at 9:44 AM on Dec 8:]

10

If a person can't forgive someone else's past, then it clear that person doesn't understand what it means to be forgiven by God.

If you can't love someone else unconditionally, then that person doesn't understand what it means to be loved by God.

Critics like these need to start remembering what Christ has done for them - and go from there......
It

[11. John said the following at 6:11 PM on Dec 8:]

11

Maybe the guy in this case really is living clean now, I don't know. But it seems that all too often people say they recently came to God as a get out of jail free card. This routine is still fooling all the naive women in the church (there sure seem to be a lot of them). These naive women then "understand" when they catch these guys doing wrong b/c "oh, they're just new Christians, they're not used to not sinning...".

I guess its so true that all these women want "bad guys" or they want ones that were until recently (but still secretly are).

[12. andy said the following at 2:42 PM on Dec 9:]

12

I have been married for 25 years and thought my wife had always been faithful to me. In thinking about some events 22 years ago, I came to the realization that she slept with another man. She denies this 100% but I am unable to believe her, and I know she is not a committed Christian and does not, refuses to, go to any church. What can I do? Should I let her deny it and just forgive her, or should I leave? I do wonder if there has been any other time it occurred.

[13. Jo said the following at 12:43 AM on Dec 10:]

13

andy 12:
You've suddenly become convinced that your wife cheated on you 22 years ago? I know you didn't give the full story, but I'd really caution you against jumping to that conclusion, unless you have actual proof that it happened. Are there other problems in your relationship that are making it difficult to trust her now? Is this a distraction from real issues or an attempt to find her guilty of something? It may not be, but the situation sounds strange. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like you have much basis for accusing her, and I can't help wondering if you're avoiding something else, or actively looking for something to blame her for. You haven't given much information though, so my apologies if I've completely misunderstood your position.

[14. Rachael said the following at 11:47 AM on Dec 11:]

14

Andy,

I think you should stay with her.