Friend to the Lonely
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 11/06/2009 at 1:54 PM
Last night I was chatting with a friend who is going through a painful break-up. As we talked about the loss he was feeling, he said, "I just don't want to be alone." None of us do.
I remember reading an article about loneliness a few years ago. The article talked about the decline of friendship in American society:
In Norman Rockwell's classic 1943 painting, "Freedom from Want," an extended family is gathered around the table to celebrate a holiday feast. Fast-forward 63 years to Thanksgiving [this year] and — while lack of food is still a problem for too many in this land of plenty — you are much more likely to find want of a different kind. More and more Americans are starving for significant relationships.
The article highlights a study published by the American Sociological Review that shows a "remarkable drop in the size of people's core network of confidants — those with whom they could talk about important matters." Twenty-five percent of Americans reported having no confidants at all — up from 10 percent in 1985. The article relates this trend to the decrease of marriage:
Perhaps the same thing that is sabotaging marriage is undermining friendship: our increasing unwillingness to commit to relationships that require sacrifice, mutual accountability, and a generous share of humility. That refusal is often not so much willful as fearful.
People may fear the commitment friendship entails, but they remain fascinated with it. The long-standing popularity of TV programs such as Cheers, Friends, and now Grey's Anatomy — which portray the lives of people in multilayered friendships — signals that fascination.
These types of friendships can be hard to come by in real life, but as followers of Jesus we have greater access to meaningful relationships through the body of believers. What would happen if we extended that family feeling to those who are suffocating from loneliness? Reaching the lost, the article points out, may be as simple as being a friend.
"God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing." —Psalm 68:6
1. Jo said the following at 2:12 PM on Nov 6:
Wow. I can't imagine not having anybody to confide in. And 25%? That's a lot of lonely people.
2. LeeAnn said the following at 2:43 PM on Nov 6:
Interesting blog. I was listening to a sermon by Swindoll the other day on friendships and it made realize how lucky I am to have my small my circle of friends. I count myself incredibly lucky to have an awesome best girl friend/confidant and several others I can go to for help/advise.
I think it was last year when my gal pals all left town (different reasons..they didn’t ditch me! LOL!) that I realized I didn’t have anyone to go and do things with. Rude awaking!! I work as a janitor in a large church and have many acquaintances, there is no lack of people to invest in, I just let myself become busy. So I started on a journey to correct that situation. It’s a work in progress, but I rejoined the drama team and started hiking with a local outdoor club, and joined a Bible study that brings people together from all over my city.
What amazes me is, that even as an extreme extrovert, the draw to just go to the gym, do my thing, come home, cook dinner and lay down is still something I have to push through. What is that all about?
As a parting thought….I think your blog touches on the reason social networking sites are so popular. It’s like having a friendship, because you are connected by pictures and funny little exchanges, but no real emotional commitment because there is no physical contact and no real time commitment.
3. Alexis said the following at 3:38 PM on Nov 6:
Great post and an excellent thing for Christians to think about. Is there someone at your Church or in your neighbourhood who could be suffering from loneliness? An Elderly person? A Widow? A University Student far from home? A Single with not much family? Take the time to look around you, and then do something about it! Visit them, invite them over or invite them to join you and your friends on outings. Just one small way we can extend the love of Jesus and it is so simple!
Another point; I really truly hope that none of my friendships are like Friends, Cheers or Greys Anatomy. Although there are some good points about the friendships depicted in these shows, there is a whole lot of non-Godly behaviour that I would prefer to keep out of my relationships. :-)
4. kaj said the following at 4:26 PM on Nov 6:
I will admit I get irritated when people just throw me the "Jesus is all you need" line.
I am a Christian; don't get me wrong. but sometimes I just need/want human contact.
James 2:15-17
5. Becca said the following at 4:57 PM on Nov 6:
The past year and a bit I have become intimately acquainted with Loneliness. I moved from Western Canada to the metropolis of Toronto for school. I came here trusting God, following His will while knowing not a single person in the entire Greater Toronto Area. I have spent a year attempting to get involved in a local church. I have joined a multi-generational small group, met people at work and at church, and done my utmost to establish friendships. Yet, the people here have a tenacious ability to keep people at arms length. I have found that when living in such a fast paced environment most people would rather not invest in getting to know a new person. I have found myself alternating between discouragement and optimism as I try and reach out to people. It is hard, especially when I think about the large number of amazing friendships that I left and can't invest in in the same way.
As a single young woman who desires to marry, I have become painfully aware that the loneliness makes it so much harder to wait patiently for God's timing for a spouse. I find myself longing for marriage so that I can have a family around me again (my biological family is wonderful, just really far away). I find that marriage has become the ideal solution that my heart desires to "rescue" me from my loneliness. And I struggle to remind myself that God is Sovereign and sufficient for ALL my needs and marriage is not a "rescue" from loneliness.
While God has proven to be all that I need there still exists this ache deep inside that I believe God has placed - the ache for community, friendships and someday a family and spouse. The question that I leave with you all is... what do you do with the ache? How do you keep loneliness from becoming desperation, because sometimes it is just a little too overwhelming?
6. Emily said the following at 5:20 PM on Nov 6:
Thank you for this article!!! I wish all Christians would realize this and act on it. I have a few WONDERFUL christians who found me in a time of my life when I have never been more lonely. Every night i wept because I felt so alone. They befriended me, even when I wasn't really a great friend. I was rude to them. I was mean. I said some harsh things and turned down their offers to hang out. But they kept at it. And eventually, I saw the life and light they had inside them, and wanted it too. And I accepted Christ, and that has forever changed me.
I firmly believe in seeking out the lost and being friends with them. That being said, it's never easy. More often that not, out of their own desperate longing, searching, and pain, they are not very nice or good friends. In fact, they're often terrible friends. But when I look at them, and I literally ACHE and want to cry for seeing how lost they are, how much they are striving to find happiness, I think - "If I feel this bad over 1 or 2 friends, what must GOD feel?"
If you pray for opportunities to get to know and befriend the lost - trust me, God WILL provide them. There are certainly enough lonely people in the world.
7. BDB said the following at 7:41 PM on Nov 6:
Becca (#5) wrote:
>>How do you keep loneliness from becoming desperation, because sometimes it is just a little too overwhelming?<<
Well, there are lots and lots of people in the Bible who experienced lonliness, ranging from David in the wilderness to several of the Prophets to the Apostle Paul stuck in prison. It becomes apparent that God used their time in isolation to prepare them for the next phase of their life and ministry. It doesn't mean it's "easy," especially initially. But it is often the case that Christians find themselves in seasons of isolation because God wants them to give some more time to Him, and He can't get their attention until He sets them aside for a season.
Elisabeth Elliot has written on this extensively - its a different type of lonliness when a widow loses her husband and is left with a child to raise alone. But it was at time God used in her life - and not just to write a best-selling book about Loneliness...
8. Laura said the following at 8:46 PM on Nov 6:
I just went through a painful break-up, too, but I'm not sure at this point if I fear the loneliness or future rejection more.
I have a good circle of friends and some mentors I share deeply with. But nothing can quite shake the loneliness of coming home to an empty apartment, beat after a long week of work, and having no one there for you with a smile and a hug and some dinner--then realizing that no one really cares or is affected by what I will do with my time the next two days.
The autonomy and independence of being single and independent sure isn't looking so fun this weekend.
9. Greg said the following at 11:12 PM on Nov 6:
Becca (#5)
Wow, I'm in almost the exact same situation as you! I moved from Prairie Canada to Ontario for school last year, and have struggled with loneliness. I miss my church family from Alberta whom I've known and grown spiritually in for the past 7.5 years, and have yet to find a group of young adults fellowship group here to "replace" what I had.
I go to two different churches here, one for the Sunday service (full of really energetic Spirit-filled men and women at least 20 years older than me), while the other is a weekly young adults' Bible study/fellowship.
My biological family's on the other side of the globe, so it's not like I can visit them every year. I try to make as many regular trips back to Alberta as I can, but nothing replaces having brothers and sisters around for fellowship and encouragement on a weekly basis. I still keep in touch with them online almost everyday, but as we all know, online communication is just different.
I'm not the most extroverted person out there, but do try my best to be as outgoing as possible at school. It's hard with the heavy academic schedule. Most of the people I hang out with during the week are classmates, but we never talk about anything Biblical unless they ask me about my faith.
If you ever need someone to explore Toronto or hang out with, just let me know. I know some great food places in the GTA area.
10. Keith said the following at 12:50 AM on Nov 7:
I remember when I used to volunteer on a crisis line. The overwhelming majority (over 90%) of people who called who not in a serious crisis - Most were just very lonely and need someone, even if was a stranger, to talk to.
I learned that loneliness is a problem that plagues the elderly. Many of them only have significant social contact once a week, if even that. But what surprised me was how some young and other wise successful people can be so lonely. I remember one call from a business man who had been very successful in his profession, but who quite literally had no friends. There were many others like him.
As for being practical, a good way to reach out to the lonely is to sign up for a "meals on wheels" outreach, or similar volunteer program. The real benefit for most recipients isn't the food but the social contact that comes with it. Visiting the lonely, especially the elderly, is also a good opportunity to witness...
And though it isn’t a popular idea, what about visiting the lonely in prison? – lots of isolated people there. Another place where the gospel can be fertile...
11. Freddie said the following at 6:18 AM on Nov 7:
Suzanne wrote: "as followers of Jesus we have greater access to meaningful relationships through the body of believers." I'd like to qualify that and say that we *may* have greater access if we're Christian - it doesn't come automatically. I can feel lonely in my church, even when I'm surrounded by people I know.
Also, I think there's a great gender difference. Men are often lonelier than women, and have fewer close friends, as far as I can tell. Sadly, I'm no exception...
12. Nate said the following at 8:37 AM on Nov 7:
Laura, (#8):
Amen and amen, sister.
I do truly believe that "Jesus is all we need". But what doesn't get mentioned much is that Jesus can and should take on flesh in the form of friends and 'mates'. We were created for community, not isolation.
Again, Laura, amen. I can't improve on your post. My words exactly. People tell me to cherish my singleness, and I do. It won't always be there, I know. But...this weekend, alone again... Well, you put it perfectly.
Respectfully,
--NMM
13. Sara said the following at 9:52 AM on Nov 7:
I think another thing your article unintentionally addresses is the loneliness from our transient lifestyles we have today. My family and I all are scattered around a continent. I live fairly close to my in-laws, but assuming I hadn't married, my Thanksgivings and Christmas's would likely be alone too, given my current financial status.
However, I think our society is leaning more towards "friend-families" in these days where extended family is less close. What I mean by that are families that are created by the closeness of various friends. You see this a lot in media (eg. Friends, any Joss Whedon show, Grey's Anatomy). In some ways I think this is a beautiful thing... not letting a lack of blood ties interfere with a creation of a family, and yet, I miss the idea of having a huge bunch of aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, grandparents and grandchildren crammed around a dinner table.
14. a sassy sister said the following at 12:38 PM on Nov 7:
I agree with BDB on this one. (BDB, I also read the Path to Loneliness by Elisabeth Elliot, and it was tremendously helpful in terms of the loneliness I face as a single. If I can offer any advice as a single who faces loneliness on several different fronts(my younger sister is engaged, and many of my friends are pairing off and having children)I would say:
Let it out, but constantly remind yourself that God's goodness and presence is not based on feelings. It's OK to say that you're lonely...it's another thing to let that loneliness become an excuse for engaging in unhealthy attachments.
Yes, being autonomous and independent is great as a single, but let's be honest....there benefits and costs to ALL our choices, whether we marry or not. When we engage in this sort of thinking, it belies an attempt to find security and contentment in people and things. Your identity is in Christ, and another person cannot accurately judge your value because they didn't create you. I would challenge you to ask God for strength and grace to look for those who are lonely and ignored. When you are lonely, it can be tempting to wallow. But we are to die to ourselves.
May God strengthen you and comfort you in this time, and may His love fill you to overflowing, so others can come to know Him through this time.
15. Julie (Ginger) said the following at 4:02 PM on Nov 7:
@Becca #5 - I've been in a similar situation, trying to make connections and serve God committedly in a busy city full of rushing people, and what happened was that I eventually gravitated toward the one place I found in my many reachings-out where people reciprocated my desire for meaningful connections. It IS difficult to keep trying bravely and cheerfully when others don't seem to value your efforts, but it can be done as you set your sights in faith on what is ahead and are convinced that what you are doing is worthy and honored in God's eyes. I am sure you are touching lives, even if you don't often know it. Take comfort in these things and don't let the man get you down ;)
I'm reminded of Nouwen's lovely phrase "wounded healers" as I read this post. Even as I look to be the voice and hands that God can work through by coming alongside the lonely people around me, I myself have a great need for others to be just such a person.
I'm one of the singles without much family that Alexis #3 mentions, and I tell you it IS lonely! I'm about to move from a great roommate/house situation to the other side of my metropolitan area in order to be near my church, a warm and wonderful small congregation that I have finally committed to after having commuted there for 1.5 years and then going to a different church for the last 8 months. I'm bummed to be starting over again in some ways, but I know I'm moving toward amazing relationships that I haven't found in any other church in the 4 years I've been in this city, and I am deeply grateful to be serving God here. I'm 26 and my church is mostly families with kids from babies to teens, and cool old people. There is literally one unmarried young man in my age range (the associate pastor no less), and from having known him over the years, I know he would be forthright if he were interested in dating me, so he must have his reasons. It's cool - we get along well and I would definitely explore the possibility of marriage with him if he asked me but I'm not totally convinced we would be a fit.
Back to the immediate problem of loneliness, though - a couple weeks ago a fantastic couple at church in their 60's who I've been getting to know told me they wanted to "adopt" me and could they be my Christian grandparents. They have followed up with some of the warmest words and invitations I've had in a long time and it made me weep more than once. To have someone invite me into their lives not for how I can serve them or even for my enjoyable company and witty conversation, but just because they intuited that I was lonely, made me receive their love very deeply in my heart.
Do this for others, folks. I sure will myself.
16. Melissa said the following at 4:54 PM on Nov 7:
I have a question about the issue of reaching out to the friendless. At my singles' group at church, whenever I saw a gal who seemed lonely and who no one else would really talk to, I made it a point to strike up a conversation with her and try to make her feel welcome and to start spending time with her and getting to know her. No one else seemed to care enough to spend time with and get to know these lonely gals, and those friendships went on to be emotionally exhausting, as I found that I was the only person these gals would call when they needed to talk to someone - which seemed to be frequent. As a result of these situations, I find that I no longer have any desire to reach out to those people who need a friend and seem to have none...I'm too tired and I can't handle any more!! I feel terrible for saying that, but it's true! I know one person who told me that she stopped reaching out to those people entirely because she needed friends who were uplifting rather than being "takers," but I don't think that's quite the right approach. I do believe we should befriend the friendless, but I am just so tired and frustrated about all the "normal" people out there that refuse to take any time to get to know the "quirky" people out there who need to have meaningful friendships. Recently, one of my Bible study leaders mentioned something about how we should try, as a group, to do more things to reach out to those who are lonely and need friends. I honestly wanted to say something along the lines of, "Thanks, but no thanks. I have been doing that for awhile now and can't handle any more. It's someone else's turn!!"
Does anyone else deal with that?? Does anyone else REALLY care about being a friend to the friendless? I'm sorry to sound mean-spirited. I just have become a little cynical about this issue and wanted to vent a little. Seems to me that all I see at most churches I've been to are all the "normal" and "pretty" people hanging out together and leaving out those who different.
17. Nancy said the following at 7:57 PM on Nov 7:
I wonder how much time the averag person spends on the computer vs. with real people, face-to-face? Sometimes I think the problem is just how most of us choose to invest our time. Facebook vs. volleyball league? Reading blogs vs. small group?
Online friends can be scattered all over the world, which is neat, but they can't bring over a pot of soup when you're sick.
18. K.L. said the following at 10:42 PM on Nov 7:
Unfortunately, I'm one of those 25% who report having no confidants. It sucks.
19. Charlotte C. said the following at 6:20 AM on Nov 8:
#4 Kaj
Aww, Kaj. I completely agree with you. If Jesus was enough to complete my loneliness then there wouldn't be any need for community, and I noticed how Jesus emphasizes the importance of it.
I hate it too when people tell me that Jesus is all you need when I just need someone to hug me and take interest. :(
20. Terry Dorn said the following at 7:57 AM on Nov 8:
Reaching out to the lonely is a powerful means of saving peoples lives. In ou modern day society most people do not have any real friends. Mentoring is the most effective way of curbing some of our soieties worst nghtmares. Author of the new book, "The Cross and the Psychiatrist" Fund at amazon.com or google it! Terry Dorn
21. Kelly-1 said the following at 7:08 PM on Nov 8:
I had 4 days off in a row during Easter this year. I was so excited: other than church, I had nothing to do, no committments, and could finally sit down and do all of the house-chores I'd been putting off for months.
They were the most miserable 4 days of my year, because it was JUST ME.
22. Kendall said the following at 10:33 PM on Nov 8:
I find myself in the same moods as some of you have written. I'm not an outgoing person, I've been single my whole life, and I have a really solid Christian family that are more like friends than confidants.
I've never met anyone in my same situation, throughout college and even now in grad school, so the world seems just a little smaller when I allow myself to think about loneliness.
Though the best defense against this, I've found, is to get off the computer and out of the house, even if its just to walk around the mall. It never fails that God calls to me when I'm out, just driving, or that I see someone I know, only to have a really good day tagging along with them. It's increased my confidence in my singleness, my personality, and has made me more confident in the Holy Spirit.
I'm praying for all of you who are away from family (me too) or even nursing a broken heart while following His Will.
And I always refresh my attitude with Jesus' temptations in the desert, because even when there's a temptation to want to stay in and wallow, He makes all things work for our good.
23. grace said the following at 11:05 PM on Nov 8:
I agree with #5 feelings/longings and #7 reasoning. Maybe God has me in this place of isolation right now to work on me. I was homeschooled from 5th grade on and I have lived in a rural area for most of my life, so finding a friend was/is a challenge and even in college I kept myself busy with work, so I really haven't had any long/lasting friendships.I haven't found a group that I could connect with at the church I attend (my fault). I feel like this is okay most of the time because I get along with coworkers really well and I keep busy, but there are times when I realize that it would be nice to have someone my age who is a Christian to talk to, and that I could trust to be there when I need them. I try to be there when others need me but I haven't met anyone yet that I know that I could count on to be there for me. Most of the people I call "friends" are not Christians. Other than the occasionally argument about politics and other social issues I have found my non-Christian friends to be a more down to earth/realistic and accepting then Christians that I have attended church, sunday school and work with. (sad and also possibly shows where I am spiritually).I have observed in my own life and in my siblings relationships that "friends" are there when everything is fun and superficial but no one really wants to get really involved and invest time when the going gets rough. I guess I have always wanted a friend that I have felt was genuine but I know that I also have to open up to others and give them a chance. I have tried. I hope this doesn't make me sound like I have a problem and that I am ranting. I appreciate your observations. I actually read this article in hopes that it had some suggestions on how to meet other Christians on the internet in a forum other than facebook. Are there reliable sites to find a pen pal?
24. Blue Sarah said the following at 4:27 AM on Nov 10:
I spent 4 years away from home in another city and holding onto that verse "God sets the lonely in families...". The first year was ok, I didn't expect to have instant friends but I tried and tried, oh so hard, again and again getting involved in church in any way possible etc.
The last few years were awful (how I dreaded the click as the door closed on a Friday night, empty weekend yawning ahead). Sometimes I couldn't be bothered going to church (I went from regular twice a Sunday attender to sometimes not at all; no one missed me). Life couldn't go on like this. I started going to a couple other churches and moving in different, yet interconnected circles of friends, but just as things started looking up, circumstances changed and I'm now back "home" with my family. The only thing is, I seem to be even lonlier now as I've struggled (and so far failed) to forge meaningful connections with anyone. (It doesn't help that I look younger than I am, so people just assume I'm one of the "youth", although I don't help matters there as I usually end up hanging around with the "youth" because they haven't paired-off yet)
People are too busy and have their life filled exactly the way they want it to be bothered widening their circle of friends. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I love to meet new people and make new friends -you just never know who will stick around for the journey and when, if ever, you will meet again.
Continuing to keep up over FB etc is all good but nothing beats in-the-same-room-potential-for-human-contact type friends.
25. a sassy sister said the following at 7:26 AM on Nov 10:
Dear Melissa:
Yes, there are those who are looking for those who are friendless. But when you become frustrated because you feel like you're the only one doing it(or even, in reality, the only one in your vision doing so), you are starting to go out of balance. The weight of the world starts to sit on your shoulders, and it should not be. Please remember to cast your cares on Him and to adjust your priorities accordingly. You cannot pour into others and share God's love with others if you are not allowing Him to fill your cup. That is not to say that it is all about you, but simply to recognize the importance of rest and humility(No, you can't do it all). Talk to a trusted friend or even the minister that you referred to so that there is constructive action in response to the exhaustion, not simply a vent fest about how burnt out you are.
Please also remember to bathe this entire process of friendship in prayer. While we are to reach out to those who are lonely, we must do so not only in love, but in wisdom, as everyone who is experiencing loneliness is not necessarily facing the same root problem. You cannot assume that everyone knows how to be friend or how to engage in a friendship, as our experiences have shaped our perceptions and approach to friendship.
26. BDB said the following at 6:43 PM on Nov 10:
Melissa (#16) - Hey, you just reminded me of something.
Yes, it can be draining when reaching out to people who have no social circle. Whether it's defined as loneliness or something else, it can be overwhelming.
In lifesaving for swimming, one of the things they teach you is that a drowning person is paniking. That's why you approach them from behind and put your arm over their chest, pulling them to safety while keeping their head above water. If you come up to them forwards, they might try to climb on you to get out of the water.
The response to this is to dive. By sinking down the person, in their panic, lets go because they don't want to go into the water. Then you approach from behind again, and try and get them to calm down and trust you to get them back.
Sometimes people who have no one to talk to compress all their stored-up emotions into a very small space. Whenever they say anything, the emotional intensity is overwhelming. This intimidates people and drives them away. And that reinforces the circle of them feeling alone.
In ministry, we build structure into our small groups and volunteer activities to try and mitigate this. After all, we see our church as a place to heal wounded and broken people. But that means we put lots and lots of training in place for people for almost all ministries. It's especially required for thinks like children's ministry, small-group leaders and divorce care ministries. This helps provide some structured interaction for people without them jumping on their small-group leader and sinking them.
It also gives people like small-group leaders some training in how to impose the structure. If a couple is overwhelming the group with details of their struggles, they can be referred for more specific counseling. And that doesn't mean kicking them out of the group, but it might mean telling them that when they have a prayer request, they only say, "We're asking for prayer." And leave out the details.
I was in a small group that blew up once. Another couple and I knew each other. A person who had some very intense, clinical-level challenges kind of hijacked it, and the leader didn't impose any structure. Slowing the other participants left. We made a commitment to stick around as long as the other did: "I'll stay as long as you stay."
Until one night, the only people who showed up were me, the wife of that couple, and the leader. That was the last night, and we expressed to the leader that it really needed to be handled differently. I think he's learned a lot since then.