I'll be home for Christmas ... oh wait, I'm already there.
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 11/24/2009 at 11:04 AM
According to the AP, young adults are more likely than ever to be "home" for the holidays:
Nearly 1 in 7 parents with grown children say they had a "boomerang kid" move back home in the past year, according to a study released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center. In a turnabout in the rite of passage in which a college graduate finds a job and an apartment, many are returning to their parents' empty nests because of tight finances or as they pursue an advanced degree.
Pew also reports that roughly 30 percent of adults age 18 to 34 live at home. That's up from 27 percent in 2005. Many of these individuals are back after living on their own for a time. And it seems we won't see this trend vanishing any time soon:
"Boomerang kids are a major trend, and they represent a shift in cultural norms," said David Morrison, president and founder of Twentysomething Inc., a marketing and research firm. "Young adults are the first to feel the brunt of a bad economy and the last to feel the benefits of a recovering economy. So the first way you hedge your bets is to minimize your expenses."
Saying there is now less of a stigma in moving back home, Morrison predicted that the trend of boomerang kids may lessen somewhat but still continue after the economy recovers. That could create longer-term ripple effects in social relationships, from multigenerational family tensions to delayed marriage, he said.
What do you think about young adults moving home? In various cultures and times, this kind of communal family living was accepted and even encouraged. Is moving in with Mom and Dad a viable way for young adults to save money and get ahead? Or is it not worth the independence and personal responsibility that is being lost?
1. Jane said the following at 11:15 AM on Nov 24:
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I talked to my mom about this yesterday, and she said that she'd never want me to live at home again. Our lives are in two different places, and it would just end in misery for everyone. I go back about once a year, and that's enough for me. I'm an adult now.
2. Kristina said the following at 11:16 AM on Nov 24:
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I'm sort of in the middle on this one. I'm 28 and I still live with a parent. I don't pay rent, but I do cover some household expenses and my own personal expenses (cell, car insurance, etc.). I feel that as an unmarried, single woman it is the best, safest, most accountable place for me to be. However, I do know many (mostly male) who I think take advantage of being at home way too much and would benefit from being out in the world and having personal responsibility. These people are the type that are putting off growing up far too long and really need to get it together already. I admit, I think it's different for males and females, but I do think that both need to stay close to their families or a substitute family where there is both encouragement and accoutability.
3. Josh M said the following at 11:48 AM on Nov 24:
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Earlier this year a coworker from China was in town. One thing I could not seem to explain well to him was why I chose to move out of my parents' house and even stranger and harder to grasp was that they would want me to move out and learn to live on my own.
4. Julie said the following at 11:50 AM on Nov 24:
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I believe that given our design, living in extended family is the natural way. Everyone supports everyone, grandparents help with grandchildren, the elderly have family right there and resources are pooled.
Would I want to live like that? No. I would feel like I didn't have enough space and privacy. But then I'd probably feel differently if I'd grown up in a different time or culture.
5. Keith said the following at 11:58 AM on Nov 24:
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Whose to say that the independence and personal responsibility do get lost?
For many, it simply isn't a choice; it's move in with mom and dad, or move to the streets. Judging them for making that choice would be like judging a homeless person for being homeless.
Who are we to judge?
6. Scottie in WI said the following at 12:08 PM on Nov 24:
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Very interesting topic! I know several friends in my similar situation which are practicing this very concept. This can fall right in line with the student debt/pay as you go debate. Personally, I accumulated student debt and then moved home after finishing up graduate school. However, I was working full time away from home for several years, as well as going to graduate school. I feel comfortable saying that I'm capable of making my way on my own. However, it is purely to be around family and to pay off debt that I am back at home. In speaking with a dear friend of mine, she expressed optimism towards staying with her parents entirely even after marriage. However, she does have really awesome parents who drive her and push her on. I've often thought of this as well. IF your relationship and the space necessary is appropriate for your family, how great would it be to have multiple generations all living under the same household. Boundaries would need to be established, but how great of a child rearing environment with 4+ parents working with the children? Other than social pressures, why would anyone do anything different, save the fact that you parents are the type to help grow your children in a Christ centered home.
Very Interesting!
7. DannieA said the following at 12:13 PM on Nov 24:
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Well I for one say a hearty AMEN....but then again I'm hispanic and I know it's a sort of tension and controversial conversational point between myself and my caucasion co-workers.
Yes I had an apartment after college...yes my ultimate goal was to buy a house and get rid of debt. Parents warmly gave me the option of moving in so I could get rid of student loans and all I would have to do is help out with groceries...
Yay for culture.
8. BDB said the following at 12:24 PM on Nov 24:
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Growing up, I heard the story several times of what happened when my father and uncles graduated from college. My grandfather told them that you are welcome in our home, but from now on, you are a guest, it is not your home.
The message was clear, they were expected to become financially independent and set up their own household. This kind of expectation does indeed force kids to make responsible choices. Some of the inlaws have observed that the kids in our side of the family are more independent.
Part of that is the education. Part of the education philosophy of my grandparents is to send your kids to the farthest away school you can afford. My dad and uncles went to the state college all the way across the state. (And the football rivalry over the Apple Cup continues to this day.) Because being far away from the family means that sometimes you tell your parents that everything is fine even when it's not, you just deal with it yourself. It makes you grow up.
And indeed, I never moved back home after I left for college - not even during the summers. I worked. And when I graduated from college, when asked if I needed to move home, I reminded my dad of the "guest" thing.
Still go to their home for Christmas, though...as a guest.
9. Mandy Guss said the following at 12:27 PM on Nov 24:
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For me, I didn't want to move back in with my family. After living on my own for nearly 11 years, I had to move back in because I left my corporate job to work in full-time ministry and am raising financial support before I can go. I miss my independence, but living at home has its perks too. I think if proper boundaries are set on both sides and the parents and child agree on how it's going to work, it can be a great arrangement. It has been for me and has also been an opportunity to live out my faith in front of my unbelieving family.
10. Vanessa said the following at 12:48 PM on Nov 24:
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I boomeranged once in my early 20s (post 9/11 in a dismal West Michigan economy) and am at a point where I may have to boomerang again (at 30 and in a dismal Central Florida economy). I'm single, so it's a bit different than, say, a married child wanting to move in with their spouse and maybe kids of their own.
It was rough to go back to living under my parents' roof, but after a small adjustment period, it wasn't bad. I contributed to the household as much as I could, even if it was just doing a lot of the housework that my mom was physically unable to keep up with on a daily basis...and when I found part-time and/or temp work, I would do stuff like buy the groceries for the week and cook or something like that. I'm very blessed and grateful to have parents who are not only able but also willing to help me out. I know a lot of people who are not so blessed.
11. alizzy said the following at 1:01 PM on Nov 24:
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I am a 23 year old college graduate who lives at home with my parents. In my town it is fairly common for kids to stay at home until marriage or until they are financially able to move out. I live at the beach so real estate is expensive and hard to afford for a 20something in this economy.
I am fine with someone my age living with their parents so long as they are not in the mindset that they are a child at home. That means do housework,clean, cook, run errands, pay some bills etc etc to make yourself useful as a contributing ADULT in the home. I don't think it is fair to move in and expect your parents to "parent" you or to allow you to have your way in everything. You live in their house so you play by their rules.
Personally I am happy at home since I am lucky enough to like both of my parents. I also have a boyfriend so the stigma of "living at home" isn't there. I plan to be here until I get my own place in the near future or get married. I am planning on staying in my hometown for a while so I might as well begin to look at houses. Since I have already lived by myself in a new town, I don't feel like I am missing valuable tools of independence or maturity. To be honest, it's really nice to have other people around.
Yes I may get irritated that I can't clean, cook, organize, decorate etc "my way"--but who really needs to have things their way all the time? I think the lessons in humility, sharing, compromise and communicating that I am learning by being at home are going to be far more valuable in marriage than being set in my ways.
So yeah, until I get my own place or get married I will happily sleep in my childhood bedroom fit for a 12 year old. :)
12. Mary Beth said the following at 1:17 PM on Nov 24:
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As one of the "boomerang kids," I can't say that its my favorite place to be right now. I miss the independence and responsibility that I had living in my own apartment while going to school. My parents are great, but its really easy to let my mom do everything for me because she will! I decided to move home after graduation because I couldn't find a job to pay apartment bills. Not having those added expenses of rent and electric bills have really helped, but the job market in my hometown is very small. All I have right now is a part-time seasonal job.
I don't feel that I'll be struggling with personal responsibility issues after living at home. I'm starting to get antsy to move out since most of my friends are either in school or working at internships and I'm still living at home and need something to do! I'm so glad that I'll be going to the Focus Leadership Institute in the Spring!
13. Evan said the following at 1:21 PM on Nov 24:
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I'm sort of a "boomerang kid," and I'm honestly not sure what I think of it.
I moved across the country a couple of years ago for work, and that was the first time I had lived on my own, at 25. Things went pretty well, but when I moved back, once again for work, my parents wanted me to move back in with them, and I did.
I pay rent (one of the reasons they wanted me to move back), do my own laundry, and generally try not to take advantage of the situation. I really do enjoy the relationship I have with my parents and younger siblings (an other reason they wanted me to move back). I also think the accountability is good for me.
But I still have this feeling that it's not really where I should be. It's hard to feel like a responsible adult in my situation, even though I can move out and make it on my own any time I want to. And while I try not to take advantage, It's hard to know if I'm succeeding.
What it really difficult is determining whether my desire to move out on my own again is wise or selfish. Independence is a tricky thing.
14. Amy said the following at 1:38 PM on Nov 24:
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Yes, it's viable! Living at home is enabling me to pay of my loans much, much faster than if I were living on my own. It's also provided me with a wonderful, stable support network while I transition from student to professional. My parents in particular have been a great source of encouragement and counsel. Plus, at a time where I'm praying and hoping for a home and a family of my own, living with my own family brings a great sweetness to my waiting. (And keeps me from becoming to self-centered!)
15. Lia said the following at 1:48 PM on Nov 24:
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I'm a boomerang kid, but I didn't really have a choice in the matter! Getting a job was hard enough in my small island nation, and the job that I have now doesn't pay enough for me to live on my own. I pay my parents a monthly fee towards utilities, and I buy my own food, but I do plan to move out ASAP. Living with my parents feels like such a step backwards.
16. Elizabeth said the following at 2:19 PM on Nov 24:
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I'm a "boomerang kid." I moved back in with my mom and dad when I graduated from college last May. Several of my friends have also moved back in with their parents; I even know one girl who now lives with her fiance's parents. "Discretion is the better part of valor"; I decided it was more mature to admit that I couldn't afford to live on my own and just go home in the first place, rather than try to do the independence thing, fail, and have to go home, anyway. I found a job I love, but it's only part time. Some of my friends don't have jobs at all, or are babysitting or something. We really can't afford to live anywhere besides at home.
It's not easy to live with your parents after the freedom of college. However, I am thankful for the chance to reconnect with my parents before I do leave for good (hopefully I'll get married before too long, but finances are hindering that, too).
As for personal responsibility, plenty of that can be involved in living with your family. It's important to be intentional to do what you can to help out and make the best of the situation.
17. Amanda said the following at 2:30 PM on Nov 24:
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I think it depends a lot on the reasons the young adults are moving in with their parents. Sure, there are lots of people who are just lazy and don't want to get a job, or those who are out of work and haven't found a new job or place to live yet. However, sometimes the adult child lives with his or her parents in order to be helpful, such as with a houseful of younger siblings, or in the case of a parent's illness. This does not mean the adult child is less of an adult, but rather he or she is showing maturity and care for the family, especially if he/she has a job or tries to work as much as possible to earn his/her keep and not be a burden.
Most importantly, a person should pray hard, and listen carefully for God's call, and obey Him when He gives guidance on where to go and what to do.
18. Tamara (from Canada) said the following at 2:44 PM on Nov 24:
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I think it depends somewhat on the way both the parents and the young adult moving home handle things. I moved back in with my parents after I completed college (which I had moved about 16 hours away to attend and had stayed there working on breaks so it was where I moved to). It was an adjustment for sure . . . both for me and for my parents. But, my parents were great about it and any "rules" regarding living in their home came down to plain and simple respect (and my roommates and I still do those same things in our own apartment now). It was all about things like letting them know if I wasn't going to be home for dinner or at all that night, and helping out with cleaning/cooking/etc. My parents were more than willing to make the adjustment to treating me like an adult rather than a kid and so it worked for us.
Depending on the situation, it can definitely be the best choice for young adults to make. Being young and just getting started in careers it can definitely be helpful to get on your own feet financially. The only caution I would have with it is not allowing that to keep the young adult acting/living like a child rather than the adult they are.
Even if they don't have a lot of money, if they have a job, the young adult living at home should be contributing something to the household expenses. Even if it's just a small amount because they don't have very much income, they should still be contributing some money towards it.
All in all, I don't see a problem with this. Each situation will vary, but if it's what works for all then why not?
19. Jess said the following at 2:51 PM on Nov 24:
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I personally don't believe that living with your parents has to mean that you're sacrificing independence or personal responsibility. I live with my mother, do most of the cooking, at least half of the cleaning, and all of the driving (my mother is legally blind). I work full-time, pay all of my own bills, and volunteer at my church. It's actually less of a financial strain on both of us (I pay for cable, half of the groceries, and anything else that she asks me to chip in on). I have more personal responsibility living with and looking after her than I would as a young single woman living on my own.
Perhaps it depends on the parents and the personality of the child, but moving home doesn't necessarily mean that you're putting the training wheels back on. I think that if a young adult moves home, they still need to behave as responsible adults, and not expect Mom and Dad to take care of them.
20. Jo said the following at 3:07 PM on Nov 24:
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I wouldn't do it by choice, but to save money while studying, it makes sense. I moved out for two years but when I started my masters I moved back because I just didn't have the money to pay a commercial rent. I still work part time and pay something to my Mum, but it's a LOT less than I was paying before.
But yes, I've lost a lot of freedom and independence and I have a definite feeling of living in a house that belongs to someone else, which at 27 I really don't like. So although I get on well with my Mum and the arrangement is necessary for now, I really miss having my own place and will be moving out again as soon as I can.
21. Nicole said the following at 3:14 PM on Nov 24:
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Well, as a 21-year-old living at home (although I've never moved out), I'm going to say I think it really depends. Some young people will become closer to their family by being on their own and will mature better that way, but others do better being with their family. God knows which people will do better in which situation. :) I love my family and love being around them, but some people I know love their family, but would not be able to live with them and stay sane. God made everyone different, so it makes sense that it would depend on the person and their situation :)
22. Callie said the following at 3:52 PM on Nov 24:
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I just had a conversation with a friend about this yesterday. Honestly, I think the idea of moving home to "save money and get ahead" is really selfish and dishonoring to our parents, which is actually a sin.
Moving home would be fine for a short season if our generation was there with the intent of helping out parents who are probably also financially strained right now. If we would be mature enough to contribute by paying some rent, and paying our share of the utilities, groceries, doing chores etc.... then it might be beneficial and rewarding for the family overall. As it is, though, most people move in and don't contribute. That sort of "freeloading" is what I personally have a problem with. I don't think its a good testimony. We owe our parents a little more than that!
23. DannieA said the following at 3:54 PM on Nov 24:
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I'd like to add that it did sadden my parents to no end when I finally bought my house and moved out....however, they are happy that I live only a mile away.
Again....yay culture....I couldn't fathom being "kicked out" and never having the option to go back home. That's just sad to me.
24. Kellie said the following at 4:24 PM on Nov 24:
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I lived at home during most of my time in college, my parents couldn't contribute financially to my education, but they were able to provide me with a home. I much preferred it to dorm life.
My husband also lived at home for a time. I think adult children living at home for a season is perfectly fine.
25. Priscilla said the following at 7:56 PM on Nov 24:
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After high school I spent part of a gap year serving at an orphanage in South Africa. I returned home 2 years ago and have been attending the local community college for nursing. I live at home along with a couple of my sisters. The family dynamics have changed quite a bit since two of siblings are now married and the rest of us are growing up.
I will be 22 next month and sometimes think it would be great to live in my own place or with roommates in an apartment. For now though, God has allowed me to continue living with my parents and hopefully be a blessing to them. I am thankful for our good relationship. And also am thankful I can spend more time with my youngest sister who is 15, and being able to hang out with her some nights is fun!
Being able to contribute to your parents' financial needs by paying rent, buying groceries, etc. is important. My Dad was laid off last year so I try to help out here and there and may have to begin paying them monthly rent soon. I had a bad attitude about that until reading this blog... now I see it as a way I can bless them!
Having healthy, appropriate boundaries with parents and siblings is important and vital to making it a positive experience for all too.
Furthermore, having my parents close by is both encouraging to me and nice to be able to ask their advice on various decisions. We don't always agree, but I do admire them a great deal.
26. farmer Tom said the following at 8:45 PM on Nov 24:
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I think it's interesting that mostly the ladies have commented on this thread. I believe that especially for a female, living at home under the protection of a father and/or mother is a good thing.
I lived in my parents basement for several years after I left college. I worked on the farm, worked at other jobs, and tried to save money for starting my own farming operation. When I got married then my new bride and I rented a farm nearby where we lived. I'm sure I took advantage of the things my parents provided when I lived at home, but I more than made up for those things with the unpaid labor I did for the farm.
27. Marie said the following at 10:37 PM on Nov 24:
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I moved four hours away to attend college, although I went home for school breaks and most summers. Last year I had to leave school abruptly in the middle of the semester, and at 22 years old my parents wanted me to move back in with them. I literally had no place to go, but I knew that I would never live with my parents long-term again. My family is the root of a lot of my problems, but aside from that, it is nearly impossible to be a responsible adult while living with them. My mom in particular makes this difficult. As I came home from college, I tried to be respectful of my parents by doing my own laundry, but I had to actually fight my mom to let me do this. She does everything for my brother and sister (sister is about to graduate college and get married, brother is in first year of local college, living at home while he attends). They do little to nothing to help out around the house.
I became unemployed in May, and my parents again wanted me to move home. I had a lease, though, so I used that as a big reason why I wanted to stay on my own. My dad helped me out with paying my bills and rent, and although I knew it was a burden for them, I knew that I would never be encouraged to be myself, to be an adult with my own thoughts on my life if I moved back home. My mom even wanted me to work at the same place she did. My parents seem to not be ready to let go of their adult children, and I have had to be the one to put my foot down and say, "No, I have to do this. I have to be an adult and live on my own and be responsible for myself."
28. Kathleen said the following at 12:21 AM on Nov 25:
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Is moving in with Mom and Dad a viable way for young adults to save money and get ahead? Or is it not worth the independence and personal responsibility that is being lost?"
Or maybe the issue doesn't quite lend itself to the simplistic either-or choices blithely presented above. Maybe there are a vast range of different scenarios and individuals that would affect the equation. Maybe real life rarely simulates the tidy little boxes that seem to be the product of naive thinking.
29. Scottie in WI said the following at 8:49 AM on Nov 25:
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Anyone notice how some (most) of the debate for not moving in with family is based on want, not the need or the right decision for the long term? I think this is very interesting. So many young people strive to be on their own and to have their own place and their own privacy and their own...
What ever happened to authentic community and accountability? What ever happened to 'self-sacrifice and growth for a better tomorrow', rather than 'give me what I want today.' This is the cultural change we are seeing in the Gen Ys and the instant gratification generation. Personally, I am saving and preparing myself for marriage in so many ways by being at home. How does one prepare themself for marriage when indulging in themself soley and completely on their own? Does the year or three of living on your own really get you ahead in the long run, or does it only satisfy wants and desires until you're bored with it (realize you can't/shouldn't afford it) and then try to grow into marriage or consider moving home?
Times are changing; twill be interesting to see what this next generation does.
30. DEH said the following at 11:05 AM on Nov 25:
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I appreciated what Scottie had to say in comment 29.
I see potential for abuse with both situations: living with family and living on one's own.
The person who lives with his or her parents has to fight the temptation to be a freeloader, to mooch and not be a responsible adult by contributing to the running of the household, either financially or otherwise.
By the same token, however, the people who live alone must fight the temptation to become selfish with their time and money and too set in their own ways of doing things to the point that they will find it extremely difficult to adjust to living with other people again in the future. The person with no one at home to keep him/her accountable might struggle to be a good steward of his/her time and money.
Thus, as I see it, both situations offer their unique temptations.
Also, in my opinion, there is little difference between the person who lives at home responsibly (contributing to the running of the household as an adult rather than living an extended childhood) and the one who lives in an apartment with roommates. Neither is completely independent of other people, either financially or otherwise. The only difference is that Mom and Dad might be more willing to overlook a lack of responsibility than the roommate who decides to go find someone else with whom to live.
In the end, though, I think independence is overvalued in our western culture. Our goal should be responsibility and good stewardship rather than independence. I am not convinced that God ever intended for us to live alone.
31. V.V. said the following at 11:41 AM on Nov 25:
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DannieA (#23 and prior):
Re: the Hispanic heritage thing: I'm Hispanic also. Just got married a month ago and lived with my family until then. As did my new Husband with his family. We both moved out on our own, for the first time, at the time of our wedding. (And, I'm loving it, btw!)
But, even within our Hispanic families, both from the same place, the standards are different. On my side, it'd be seriously frowned upon to be living with your family once you've married (barring any major hardship ... then, of course family swoops in!) It's just not accepted. It's leave and cleave and work it out in the name of Jesus! (Mind you, I have a very loving family!)I can't say I disagree.
On his side, it's a bit different. It's all about everyone pitching in and helping the other. Which, I think is great (but, for anyone, can make you lazy if you can still depend on parents for so much.) I like the blend however - we are fully responsible for ourselves now but it's nice to know we have family to help us with things like ... going home to do laundry :-)
We have both been blessed with great families!
32. Raven said the following at 11:50 AM on Nov 25:
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When I graduated from college, my mom got really sick and couldn't take care of herself. Moving home to me was so that I could physically take care of her while my step dad was working. I also take care of the household and any extra money I have immediately goes to my family. It's a blessing for our family because early on, it wasn't good for my mom to even be alone in the apartment. It was also good because I help to pick up some of the financial strain on them because she isn't working right now.
I am at a loss, however, at why living at home would come at the detriment of one's independence and personal responsibility? I can't speak for everyone's experience, but my parents don't pay for anything that causes me a personal burden. I pay my student loans payments. I have diabetes, and I alone pay for insulin and other supplies. I would never dare think that it is their job to take care of me the way they would if I was still in high school.
33. V.V. said the following at 12:14 PM on Nov 25:
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#32, regarding your point about "independence and personal responsibility," I guess that depends on the family, too. Though I'm 25, work full time and have travelled half the world, while living at home with my family I had steady chores and a strict curfew for years ... lets not mention the dating rules (which I came to appreciate when I experienced such peace and joy with my wedding/new marriage, but, admittedly, some were just a bit unnecessary). But, it is what it is. I lived at home and those were the rules. And, i think that's what some people might refer to when talking about the subject ... not being able to come and go at will, answreing to someone, etc.
34. Girl with a question said the following at 1:20 PM on Nov 25:
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By the way, I have a question. I am wondering whether the expectation of living independently is worth delaying getting married. If I am forced to live with my parents right now because of finances, once finances get better, is it really crucial to spend time living alone before getting married? It is really the finances preventing me from both; would it be more responsible to move straight from my parent's home to one that I would share with a husband or to insist on a time of independence first, thereby using resources that might be better used in a life and ministry spent together? I do want to be a responsible adult when I marry, but I also don't want to wait much longer than I have to, and neither does he. Granted, he is a few years older than I am and has experienced living both with his parents (while in school) and alone (is alone now, and doesn't seem to like it all that much). Both of us have recently graduated from college and have student loan debt and low-paying jobs. Especially with the current state of the economy and all that, I really don't know how long it would take for it to be financially viable for me to live alone. It might be possible to get married sooner. If it becomes financially possible to marry, do I really have to wait until I can spend time living alone first?
35. Tamara (from Canada) said the following at 3:10 PM on Nov 25:
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Scottie (#29) asked:
So many young people strive to be on their own and to have their own place and their own privacy and their own...
What ever happened to authentic community and accountability? What ever happened to 'self-sacrifice and growth for a better tomorrow', rather than 'give me what I want today.'
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Sometimes I wonder if family dynamics have a lot to do with the desire to get out of their parents home for may young adults. I know for myself, making the decision to move back to my hometown and back in with my parents for a bit after I graduated was a difficult decision. I have a very loving family and I know thay want the best for me.
But, my Father and I have always struggled to get along (we both work at it, but it doesn't come easily for us), and that has always made living with my parents challenging. By making the choice to move back to my parent's hosue for a period of time, I knew that I was making sacrifices in terms of the relationship I had (have) with my Father.
I had expereinced the relationship improving dramatically in the two years I had been on my own and I didn't really want for things to go backwards in our relationship - which they unfortunately did for the year I lived at home. But, again, in the couple of years since I moved in with some roommates our relationship has improved once again. We actually can have a good time together - something that rarely happened when I lived under his roof.
Based on that experience, I think there are times when that drive to get out "on your own" comes from a desire for better family relationships. And, moving out of your parents' house doesn't have to mean there is no authentic community and accountability. Roommates or other close friends that you are regularly with can still provide that. In many ways, my current living situation with roommates has done for more for me living in authentic community and accountability than living with my parents ever provided.
36. V.V. said the following at 3:33 PM on Nov 25:
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#34 (Girl with a Question).
I just got married and moved out of my home for the first time with my new husband, who also lived with his family until we wed. We're loving it! I wouldn't delay marriage for some dubious goal of getting experience living on your own. Rather, I'd learn to be financially responsible NOW, which will help with bigger responsibilities later.
Plenty of folks recomended I live on my own, get that experience, and I even thought about it once, but I never did. I had the option of living with my family and it made it so much easier to plan my wedding, find an apt, furnish and decorate it, without paying rent unnecessarily. It's a personal choice.
I'll note, while I never lived alone, I did do plenty of things independently: I studied abroad and travelled extensively and it was great .. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I was paying rent, though!
Let the Lord guide you and use wisdom.
(On the flip, I would never recomend getting married JUST to save money. Streamlining finances is a benefit of marriage, but shouldn't be the catalyst, I think.)
37. V.V. said the following at 3:34 PM on Nov 25:
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I should also note, plenty of my friends did live on their own before marrying, and it's worked out great for them, too.
38. Kelly-1 said the following at 7:44 PM on Nov 25:
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My mom didn't want me to ever move out, but she acknowledged that for my own personal growth, I had to.
I'm lucky in that I have an extremely good relationship with my parents. All of my siblings lived at home until they got married, and this was the pattern I assumed I'd follow. However, I got to age 26 with no prospects in sight... something had to change.
Since then I've had roommates, lived in 3 different countries, returned home for a while, lived on my own, and now had family move in with ME. All of it has been a challenging growth experience.
I know my parents would take me back in a second if I needed them but what I always remember is that it's THEIR roof, THEIR home. And despite the goodness that is living with community, it puts a lot of restrictions on an adult, from the very simple (no house-phone calls after 8pm) to the more frustrating (I want to host a huge party? Forget it!)
39. david beldon said the following at 9:09 PM on Nov 25:
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I lived at home for 6 months while I was looking for a job out of college. It was a big deal and I got to reconnect with my parents. I think it depends on the person living there. Are you using the situation to be irresponsible (not achieving in a job, not saving, not getting out of debt and saving for a house)? Is there a goal in trying to get out at making on your own? These question are guided at men. I dont think its a bad idea for women to stay with their parents as all long as they can think for themselves and not be ruled by their parents.
40. Sara said the following at 10:22 PM on Nov 25:
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I am so torn on this issue. I moved out when I was 17 to attend university in another city, and I have never returned back home to live since. I have an extremely close relationship to everyone in my immediate family, so there is no tension or anything, and they would welcome be back with open arms if need be, but I struggle with thinking that would ever be positive. In fact, I struggle to think anyone of adult age should live at home.
First off though, there are positives. There is accountability in many cases, but in most families I know, that accountability doesn't really go far. I find there is far more accountability in knowing you are responsible for yourself, than there is in having the freedom to constantly go out with friends because you don't have to work because you live at home. Secondly, I love the idea of multigenerational families. You can learn from the wisdom of your elders and joy and enthusiasm from your younger counterparts.
On the other hand, can't you still learn those things by living in a community with a variety of people, without living in the same home as them? And doesn't living on your own teach you responsibility, maturity, domestic skills for both men and women, multi-tasking (how can I carry work/school/church/family/AND cleaning my place all in one evening?), and valuable independence?
I look to the people I know living at home still. Yes, they have more money saved up. Yes, they had better grades in school. Yes, they are all good people. However, most of them are sheltered from real life, and will never understand what it is like for a poor person to truly have to choose between food and rent.
I know for my own children, I will encourage them to move out when they turn 18. Will I always be there in an emergency? Of course. I just think that the independence they will learn from being on their own is much more valuable then saving up some extra disposable income by mooching off me for a few extra years. That is really all it is... most of these people aren't contributing equally to their parents homes. They are just mooching... trying to get the benefits of a near-free life. I don't care if you pay for some bills, or help our with groceries or whatever else. Until you actually are responsible for all the bills in a home, you don't know what real responsibility is.
41. kaj said the following at 7:38 AM on Nov 26:
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Then there's the "reverse" situation: parents who are having financial problems so that they move in with their (grown) children.
42. DannieA said the following at 2:17 PM on Nov 26:
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I'm sorry Sara
I just found your post very cold. How dare you assume that people that help out with "only groceries and bills" don't deal with responsibilities???? You really have no idea do you?
Of course I will chalk it up to differences in culture, as I really find it appalling that people will actually tell their kids to leave at 18....It should be a delicate balance....You don't "hoard" your children, yet you don't kick them out either. Most children will venture out on their own anyways, and who says adult children should mooch off of their parents, I don't think so. Most parents will make sure that their grown children have a job and take care of the house....do you realize that many of my peers (of course I'm talking hispanic peers) actually stay home AND take full responsibility of household chores? Yes parents may pay the mortgage, but whoa to the hispanic adult that doesn't pick up after themselves and takes care of their parents should they stay at home....
Trust me, living at home wasn't the mooching off that most people make it seem.
As for the freedom to go in and out as you please late at night? Um I think that's where women get into trouble and 'fall into sin', so I don't see that as being a negative.
43. Kelly-1 said the following at 5:31 PM on Nov 26:
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Living at home, I contributed to bills.
Living with roommates, I paid my share.
Living on my own was a WHOLE new ballgame, because I was suddenly responsible for every single bill that came through the door. I never realised how many there were and had to become very disciplined about when things were due and savings plans.
That's a skill I think you can only learn when you have your own place (either on your own or as a married couple).
44. Sara said the following at 6:19 PM on Nov 26:
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#42 - Assuming all household responsibilities is the responsibility of anyone living independently.... plus paying all the bills, plus going to school and working, plus ensuring they have time for ministry.
All I am saying is that if you are living at home, you don't have to deal with all of that to the same extent. Plus, in the situations that I know of (and to be fair, I know only one Hispanic person, and he IS mooching off his parents, but I don't think their family is very close to the culture anyhow), the children are living at home to save money. So yes, they help out with chores, and contribute a small amount towards groceries and rent, but they don't have that full responsibility.
I wouldn't "kick" my children out at 18, but I will certainly encourage them to go out on their own. And yes they will have the freedom to go out and do as they please, and a higher risk of falling into sin, but I would rather they avoid sin by using their own self-control than Mommy and Daddy's rules. After all, when they are married, I can't give them a curfew anymore, and neither can their spouse. It will be on them to make sure they are resisting any possible temptation.
45. Kyra said the following at 9:02 PM on Nov 26:
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Oh, I think it's a horrible idea!! And I say this as a 28 yr old woman who lived on my own for nearly a decade. I say "nearly" because I am now a single mom residing with my parents.
I recently encountered a similar discussion on the mint.com blog (this is a free budgeting website and the article was discussing the financial circumstances of recent college grads). At any rate, here is my take on the trend:
What concerns me most is not the fact that more adults find the need to move back in with their parents, but that they don't seem ashamed about it. I think that shame and embarrassment serve a real purpose in all sorts of situations, and I feel like I can say that since I am myself living with my parents (i.e. so no one can accuse me of attacking a certain group, lol)...
There is a difference between a "life predicament" and a "lifestyle choice." Lately it seems like this whole trend of staying at home or moving back home has been the latter.
In my particular situation I feel that my status as a single mother is a grave predicament both for myself and my son, and that the need to move back home with my parents is also a predicament. Therefore, it practically makes me want to vomit every time I hear a voluntarily single mom call her decision a "lifestyle choice" or every time I hear a thirty-something guy brag about how he still lives with his mommy, who cooks for him and does all of his laundry.
(okay, sorry I said "guy"...I shouldn't pick on the men it's just that i'm thinking of some people in particular, all male.)
At any rate, I guess my main point is that yes, I'm proud of who I am as a person. Yes, sometimes these types of situations are unavoidable so you shouldn't let your situation affect how you view yourself as a person. However, as young adults we should do what we can to avoid any situation that stagnates our spiritual path to adulthood. Certainly delayed independence, delayed marriage (or other vocation choice), delayed parenting etc. all fall into that category. We shouldn't pretend these situations are ideal or even okay, regardless of what line modern society is pitching.
In regard to women in particular living independently, I think it depends on the personality type. For example, I lived totally on my own in two different states over five years (no roommates). I loved every second! On the other hand, my sister who now lives alone hates it and desperately wants a roommate.
On the flip side, I have quite a few friends who married during or right out of college and I'm ashamed to admit I looked down on them for a number of years. Basically I saw them as "sheltered" and having no life experience because they all essentially moved from the sheltering protection of a father who wrote out their checks, to the sheltering protection of a husband who did the same. I even remember an incident where a friend asked me how to write a check out because she had never done it before, and this was a week before her wedding (!)
All that's to say that ten years down the road, each of these women are immensely happy and not regretful of their decisions. The friend in the above example now writes many checks as a wife, mother of three and pediatric surgeon... While I enjoyed my time living alone, I think women shouldn't chase after some concept of "finding themselves" because the whole foundation seems to be built on a few myths:
Myth #1- You lost yourself. Really? Who says?
Myth #2- "You can't continue to grow and discover as a wife and mother. You need alone time to figure things out." If anything you'll grow more in these roles than in living on your own.
Myth #3- "Women who marry young before experiencing 'life' are naive and oppressed". Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't most women who marry young marry men who are around the same age? How come no one ever suggests these men are naive about life and oppressed by their responsibilities?
46. Tacuache said the following at 7:21 PM on Nov 27:
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So if there's a call for men, let me add my two cents. At this point in my life I'm in my late twenties, have three degrees (two advanced) and no job. I had to move across a state and over a 1000 miles to get "home" and have a place to live. Do I enjoy being at home? Not at all, and I want to move ASAP. I have been job searching for over a year and have had (I counted) 212 job application sent out with no positive responses. My ability to have my own place and pay my own bills is embarrassingly non-existent. However, I'm able to cook, clean, do laundry, run errands, etc. When my grandfather was hurt or when my grandmother needs help, I can contribute. I don't like being at home at all, but frankly I can see a design in why I'm here. Things and situations have come about that, if I was living elsewhere, I could've had no impact on. Previously I had been living on my own for the past 8 years and miss that freedom and responsibility. I see this as a short term thing (hopefully) and something that should be viewed as a minor inconvenience.
This being said I can also personally vouch for several friends I know who have had to move back home because of lack of a job. The economy is such that I urge everyone to not be quick to judge in such situations. When I tell people why I'm where I'm at, people are very understanding.
47. V.V. said the following at 7:30 AM on Dec 1:
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On another note (and maybe nonrelated): Someone at work referred to me as a "child bride" the other day - I'm 25, and just got married.
Just goes to show, we can't rely on the world's perspective on how things should get done. (and some vague list of "experiences" you must have before you marry, settle down, etc.)
48. Trisha said the following at 8:41 PM on Dec 15:
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I'm in my late 30s and still live in my high school bedroom. The only times I didn't live in it is when I was in my late 20s and spend two semester's in a dorm & the time I lived in hotel for 2 1/2 weeks (in Concord, NC) in Oct. 2004. Since I dropped out of 4 year college and don't have a 4 year degree for a career I can't afford to live in Chicagoland so that means eventually I will have to move out of state for good & live in a cheaper area of a cheaper state. I have been in and out of work since Marck 2006 & I haven't worked since Nov. 21, 2008....I have been in school p/t studying to be a preschool teacher's aide & I do volunteer work.
49. Trisha said the following at 8:43 PM on Dec 15:
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You don't have to be married to move out of your parents house....that is a myth. Lots of single people have houses. If they have extra bedrooms they can rent them out if they want too or if they don't need the money they can do something like take in a single pregnant teen whose parents kicked them out because they want her to have an abortion & she don't want too.
50. Trisha said the following at 8:44 PM on Dec 15:
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I don't pay rent either but I do pay the few bills I do have in my name like my car insurance and I buy my own food with food stamps....
51. Trisha said the following at 8:48 PM on Dec 15:
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The worst part of living in 'their' house is we don't have the same beliefs/values and I can't use my gift of hospitality (Like a kid I have to ask if people can come over because it's not my house....they always remind me it's not my house). I hope to move to IN in early 2011 and live there while my niece & nephew are in their teens (I'm involved in the pro-life movement and I'm concerned about them)....my niece turns 13 this Sunday, 12/20/09.