But That Is Me
by Heather Koerner on 11/19/2009 at 9:51 AM
"That drives me crazy," my husband commented on Sunday afternoon.
It was halftime of the football game we were watching. I, being not too interested in the halftime show, had retired to reading my paper. But hubbie's comments focused my attention to what the sports broadcasters were discussing: a recent video showing one college football player flagrantly attempting to eye gouge another player who was pinned in a pile.
The coach had decided to suspend the player for a half-game after viewing the video tape ("Oooo," hubbie commented. "Suspend him for a half game against Vanderbilt. That'll teach him."). But what got under hubbie's skin a little was this comment from the coach as he was interviewed:
"I don't condone that. I understand what goes on on the football field, but there's no place for that ... I spoke with him. That's not who he is ... He got caught up in emotion."
A female college soccer player, who was videoed repeatedly pulling hair, kicking, punching and elbowing opposing players in a recent match, is using the same type of language in her defense. She told the New York Times
"I look at it and I'm like, 'That is not me,'. I have so much regret. I can't believe I did that.
I think the way the video came out, it did make me look like a monster. That's not the type of player I am. I'm not just out there trying to hurt players. That's taking away from the beauty of the game. And I would never want to do that."
It's that language that was driving hubbie a little crazy on Sunday.
"Not who he is? Take a look at the video. If that's not who he is, he never would have done it, even with the emotion," hubbie said. "Better to say, 'That video showed me someone who I don't want to be. I apologize for my behavior. I've got some things to work on. I will be working on them.'"
Smart guy, that hubbie. As I thought about what he said, I thought about how exactly right he was. It's under pressure ... under intense emotion ... that my own ugly comes out bright and clear. Yep, I can hold the ugly in under most conditions. But it's when I'm frustrated with my family, or driving when I'm late to an appointment, or tired, or whatever, that Ugly Heather makes her entrance.
And it's so tempting to sweep UH under the rug. "That's not me," I protest. "I'm not like that." But, maybe, that's exactly who I am. That's exactly why I need a Savior. That's exactly why I continue to need to be sanctified.
My in-laws have a magnet on their refrigerator that reads, "Sports don't build character. They reveal it."
Perhaps for me it might read, "Life doesn't build character. It reveals it."
The next time Ugly Heather reveals herself (which, let's be honest, probably won't be that long from the time I end this post), I've got something to think about. Instead of protesting to God, "That's just not me!", I can say, "Please forgive me. Create in me a clean heart and a right spirit. Because that is me and it's not who I want to be."
1. Rachael said the following at 10:34 AM on Nov 19:
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Nice post!!
Yes, our circumstances can bring out the bad that is in us...the circumstances are not excuses.
Still, though, I think part of me feels like, "My husband doesn't completely know who I am"....I just met him last year, and we married early this year...part of that feeling might be tied with the thought that he doesn't know everything about the "apparent good" about the me of the past.
[Though the other day the thought was more like that he doesn't really feel like my family yet...part if it was probably that I was feeling sad and nostalgic about my family and holidays...I talked to my mom, and she said one day I'll wake up and feel like he is my family. There does seem to be something different about my immediate family since they have known me for a very very long time...]
Some of what might have seemed good of my past interests/activities might have been interesting to him had he known me then. I don't have all the same inclinations now.
And what he sees is what he sees. Unfortunately, I've probably behaved worse with him than I ever have in my whole life. When I was living alone, I don't think I would have expected to struggle with a particular sin that after marriage I found out I can easily embrace.
Thankfully, if God is inside us, we don't HAVE to be slaves to our sin, though, and we can have access to the same power that raised Jesus from the dead.
My hope is that in connecting myself more with God and his Word that'll spill out into my relationship with my husband.
11/15 was the day my husband proposed to me. We had married about 2 months later. So this year on that date I decided to try to prepare myself again, but this time, rather than all the 'wedding stuff', through every day prayer (including for him) and Bible reading. That's my goal. So far, there's already been a day where I think I pretty much just read one verse and wrote that in my journal. And besides that I'm surface reading from Leviticus, which is a book I'm not very knowledgeable about. Even that book can be interesting, though.
Thinking about unclean-ness, unintentional sins...sin was dealt with very seriously through the sacrifices...and now, we don't have to be atoned for by a priest as we have access to God through the High Priest who was sacrificed- Jesus!
2. Louise from Chicago said the following at 10:34 AM on Nov 19:
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I think it is nitpicking to challenge this man of the actual wording of his regret.
He admitted his behavior was unsportsmanlike and inappropriate.
What more do you want from him?
3. Rachael said the following at 10:38 AM on Nov 19:
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[Oh, and my goal is for at least about 2 months -- the time that we were engaged -- and hopefully beyond]
4. L said the following at 10:59 AM on Nov 19:
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That is exactly right!
I am saddened and ashamed of 'who i am'. often. oh, that i would be a new creation!
5. Josh D said the following at 11:46 AM on Nov 19:
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thumbs up!! this is a great insight.
6. Leigh said the following at 12:15 PM on Nov 19:
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Great post..I really enjoyed it.
7. DEH said the following at 12:33 PM on Nov 19:
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Someone wise once told me that our actions reveal who we are, for good or for bad. Often for bad.
This reminds me of something CS Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity:
"We begin to notice, besides our particular sinful acts, our sinfulness; begin to be alarmed not only about what we do, but about what we are. This may sound rather difficult, so I will try to make it clear from my own case. When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself. Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular acts: they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated. On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am."
8. eleanor said the following at 12:39 PM on Nov 19:
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how easy it is to not see our actions for what they reveal about us! thanks for the reminder.
9. mary kate said the following at 12:50 PM on Nov 19:
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good insight.
on an unrelated not, here is some wording i don't like: 'hubbie/hubby'
does anyone else LOATHE that word like i do? what is wrong with husband? i don't have a lot of wierd word hang ups. but that is definitely one of them. and it was in this post five times.
/end rant. sorry.
10. Beth said the following at 1:25 PM on Nov 19:
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The language matters. It's kind of like the fake "I'm sorry if you felt that way," apology. To say "That isn't me," is just not true, and it's blaming circumstances instead of taking responsibility.
11. Zusanne said the following at 1:58 PM on Nov 19:
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My feelings were rather hurt when someone jokingly said that she should add cushion to the time we were supposed to get together because I was "always late." I mean, I know that I tend to cut things close, but always? That was pretty harsh.
So I kept track for a few weeks. I realized that I was late more often than I was on time. It's so easy to fall into habits . . . I'm working on doing better.
If only that were my only problem (sigh).
12. Heidi Marie said the following at 3:25 PM on Nov 19:
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Wow, this is a good post. Too true. When I think of myself, I don't think of the times I'm an awful person. Just like when I picture myself, I don't picture myself when I just got out of bed. ;) I have to be more aware of the whole me, not just the good parts.
13. Rebekah in SoCal said the following at 3:55 PM on Nov 19:
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"Out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultry, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander."
Matthew 15:19
No surprises when we act out.
14. Heather Koerner said the following at 4:26 PM on Nov 19:
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DEH: Great passage!
Mary Kate (#9): I completely understand. My two pet peeves are when people write in all lowercase and write "not" when they mean "note." ;)
15. Leah said the following at 5:02 PM on Nov 19:
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Hmmm. I agree and disagree. But I think this is a similar situation to being drunk. People say that drunk people reveal their true selves. Yes and no.
Our inhibitions and mental filters are part of who we are. Alcohol, and the intense emotion associated with certain situations, remove those inhibitions and filters. So things that our mental filters might usually throw out (eg. things we might say) get through and we say or do things we normally wouldn't.
So it is true that what we've done is a result of what we were really thinking, but normally our inhibitions and mental filters would stop us doing that because we know it's wrong, rude, whatever. People might say that is "being fake" or "wearing a mask", but it's not. Those filters are part of who we are.
Of course it's still our responsibility when we disregard that filter when we're not drunk (and still your responsibility for getting drunk anyway), but the behaviours we exhibit might honestly not be who we (normally) are.
I think perhaps it also stems from our understanding of the words "that's not me" or "that's not who I am". When I hear that, I don't think the person is actually saying it was not them who did that. I feel they're essentially saying that they know better than that and that is not the behaviour they would choose to exhibit if they'd been thinking at the time.
As long as they apologise and commit to not doing it again, I don't really care what they say re: "that's not me" or whatever.
16. Kelly-1 said the following at 6:14 PM on Nov 19:
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Very interesting posts. Yes, there's a monster in me who comes out when I'm exceptionally tired/run down. And it shocks me when it happens and I wonder, how is it that so much horrible emotion can be lurking and I don't know about it?
---
Rachael - thank you so much for sharing your story. It's very insightful and touching - I pray God continues to walk with you! Do you mind if I ask about your post-marriage-sinful-behaviour? I am always looking out for things that I might be doing now that will impact my future.
17. BDB said the following at 6:45 PM on Nov 19:
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Rachael (#1) wrote:
>>And besides that I'm surface reading from Leviticus, which is a book I'm not very knowledgeable about.<<
I finally read through all of Leviticus for the first time a few months ago. It surprised me with all the detail. But more importantly, it gave me a much deeper appreciation of why Christ's sacrifice had the meaning it did. It really brought home how reconciling sinful humanity with God's holiness requires blood.
18. BDB said the following at 6:50 PM on Nov 19:
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Oh Heather (#14)...all you editor-types.
There's something weird with typepad sometimes. The words being typed in do not keep up with my fingers. I've dropped the last letter of a word a bunch o times here. [Ha! Right there! It happened. I totally typed the "f" but it didn't show up!]
Anyway, if there was a spell check on the typepad platform, the blog would be even better than it is.
I'm sure mary kate is just being artistic.
19. DannieA said the following at 9:49 PM on Nov 19:
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Sports is a great metaphor to life and I think we learn a lot about ourselves, what we are capable of, and how to curb certain behaviors when we get angry.
While I think it can be annoying when people semantically absolve themselves by saying "that's not who I am" I will say this....
sometimes it is a shock when we look back at what we did during a high competetive moment....no it's not how we usually behave (which I think is what is what they are trying to say) but it is indicative of what we are capable off....and sometimes it's good to reflect and then learn to change how we react.
Anyone remember little leagues and our parents????? hmmmm good lessons.
20. dorene said the following at 10:09 PM on Nov 19:
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I just want to comment on the quote "Life doesn't build character. It reveals it." I consider this my word for the day because it spoke volumes about the truth it holds! I have seen time and again my reaction to life in different situations and pondered why I did what I did... so I just want to say in my case it's been true life does reveal character!!
21. Charity said the following at 10:03 AM on Nov 20:
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I want to be upset about Brandon Spikes and the eye gouge, but my Gator bias blinds me . . . :)
22. mary kate said the following at 12:56 PM on Nov 20:
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burnnnnnnnnnn!!! :D touché, heather :D
and yeah, bdb, it's an artsy thing. i'm a designer/artist type. BUT... for the record, i'm quite familiar with grammar and spelling rules. i just love the decisive look of all lowercase words.
23. daniel said the following at 3:16 PM on Nov 20:
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This was a very edifying post, thank you. I've seen in my life that the first step to holiness is recognizing and embracing my own depravity. So I agree with you 100%. But I would also add a caveat: that we ought not stay there in that place of bemoaning our depravity and sin - that is a dangerous place to be. We ought to embrace at the same time our position in Christ, mainly that we are forgiven and that we are children of God. On this side of eternity, the Christian must live between this struggle and tension between who we are and who we're becoming.
24. Al said the following at 9:07 PM on Nov 20:
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I just gotta nitpick here, but as much as I like the quote "Life/Sports doesn't build character, it reveals it", I think sports and more importantly, life *both* build and reveal character.
We don't come into the world with our character immutably defined. Sure, we have personalities, tendencies, strengths, and weaknesses, but life and experience definitely contribute to shaping who we are, just as much as our personal choices in life's moments do.
In addition, God using actual life experiences to sanctify us is a completely biblical concept-- "Everything works for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose." He doesn't just regenerate us in a mystical, metaphysical way, but also shapes us through the actual intricacies of lessons, experiences, trials and difficulties. I will wager that life can shape the characters of those who aren't believers as well. Of course our own choices and responses also play into how we receive those lessons, but I don't think it's an either/or thing.
It's sort of my personal pet-peeve, but I hope that as believers, we develop more nuanced, accurate, and biblical thinking-- and be wary of allowing our understandings to be shaped by catchy, easy-to-remember slogans offering neat, tempting but false dichotomies.
But yes, life definitely reveals who we are and the darkness that lurks within. I've got my own disturbing sports moment in youth soccer that revealed that I could be a monster as much as anyone else.
25. Sara said the following at 12:22 PM on Nov 21:
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Excellent post :-D!
26. Meredith said the following at 2:02 PM on Nov 21:
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During Candidate Orientation for my missions agency, one of the speakers likened a person's heart to a tea bag. When you put a tea bag in hot water, the flavor comes out. Likewise, when you put a person into a stressful or challenging situation, their true character is revealed. Our conduct under pressure shows what's really going on in our hearts. So the question is, what's in your tea bag?
27. Sarah Fifth Street Mama said the following at 12:13 PM on Nov 23:
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At Church yesterday our pastor talked about not being a Pharisee. This went right along with that. Thank you for helping me to realize that ugly Sarah will come out and she will be forgiven and through Christ she can change.
Blessings to you