You Want to Go Where, to Be a What? by Candice Watters on 08/03/2009 at 2:49 PM

Last week I got an e-mail from a woman who is almost done with her university degree. When she graduates, she'll have her B.S. in engineering, and not a lick of debt since she went on scholarship. She'll also be a new wife. Talk about a prime earning opportunity. But there's this nagging desire she has not to work. She wants to go home. To be an at-home-wife. Is there evem such a thing?

That's the question I answer in Monday's "Boundless Answers." She writes,

On Boundless, you have often raised the subject of how important/beneficial it is for women to be at home once they've had children, but I would like some advice on the possibility of being a "stay at home wife" prior to the arrival of babies....

I'm not excited by the idea of a full-time career. Whenever I talk to people about it though, they seem to think it's an odd notion and can't understand what I would do with my time if I weren't working....

I'm confused about whether my motives behind being a housewife are pure and godly or selfish and lazy. I don't consider myself to be lazy. I guess I can envision myself tending to my home and garden, helping out with volunteer work at church, doing some sewing and other crafts, and maybe getting a part-time job. I'm worried that with a full-time career I would arrive home at the same time as my husband at the end of each day, tired and worn out, and that I would be lacking in energy to then tend to my home and cook meals (although if we were in that situation I'm sure my husband would help out).

Are these desires a bit too idealized and old-fashioned?

As much as I love her ideas (to see why, read this), I wasn't sure if there were any women like her left. Thankfully, I was wrong. Just today, I heard from Kate, who recently graduated from college. She wrote,

I currently have a steady part time job which leaves me enough time to manage our household well (a task I failed on more than one occasion during the school year!), serve in different ways in the church, and set up our home as a place where all kinds of people are welcome to drop in.

I know I am able to better support my husband and devote MUCH more time to ministry with this arrangement than if I were to plunge into a teaching career. Praise the Lord that both my husband and parents support me wholeheartedly in this decision!

What I have found surprising and somewhat disturbing, however, is the almost complete lack of support from other believers. I really have only two other friends who support my decision, one of whom is not even a believer!

I suspect there are lots of women who would love to follow in the footsteps of Kate and Grace. Are you one of them?

You Want to Go Where, to Be a What? by Candice Watters on 08/03/2009 at 2:49 PM

Last week I got an e-mail from a woman who is almost done with her university degree. When she graduates, she'll have her B.S. in engineering, and not a lick of debt since she went on scholarship. She'll also be a new wife. Talk about a prime earning opportunity. But there's this nagging desire she has not to work. She wants to go home. To be an at-home-wife. Is there evem such a thing?

That's the question I answer in Monday's "Boundless Answers." She writes,

On Boundless, you have often raised the subject of how important/beneficial it is for women to be at home once they've had children, but I would like some advice on the possibility of being a "stay at home wife" prior to the arrival of babies....

I'm not excited by the idea of a full-time career. Whenever I talk to people about it though, they seem to think it's an odd notion and can't understand what I would do with my time if I weren't working....

I'm confused about whether my motives behind being a housewife are pure and godly or selfish and lazy. I don't consider myself to be lazy. I guess I can envision myself tending to my home and garden, helping out with volunteer work at church, doing some sewing and other crafts, and maybe getting a part-time job. I'm worried that with a full-time career I would arrive home at the same time as my husband at the end of each day, tired and worn out, and that I would be lacking in energy to then tend to my home and cook meals (although if we were in that situation I'm sure my husband would help out).

Are these desires a bit too idealized and old-fashioned?

As much as I love her ideas (to see why, read this), I wasn't sure if there were any women like her left. Thankfully, I was wrong. Just today, I heard from Kate, who recently graduated from college. She wrote,

I currently have a steady part time job which leaves me enough time to manage our household well (a task I failed on more than one occasion during the school year!), serve in different ways in the church, and set up our home as a place where all kinds of people are welcome to drop in.

I know I am able to better support my husband and devote MUCH more time to ministry with this arrangement than if I were to plunge into a teaching career. Praise the Lord that both my husband and parents support me wholeheartedly in this decision!

What I have found surprising and somewhat disturbing, however, is the almost complete lack of support from other believers. I really have only two other friends who support my decision, one of whom is not even a believer!

I suspect there are lots of women who would love to follow in the footsteps of Kate and Grace. Are you one of them?

Comments

[1. Louise from Chicago said the following at 3:13 PM on Aug 3:]

1

People should have the freedom to live their lives the way they choose, but being a stay at home spouse without minor children, elderly relatives requiring similar care, or a farming operation is NOT the equivalent of full-time work.

It might have been equivalent a hundred years ago before people had all the present modern household conveniences, but not now.

I've been there folks, so this time I know from experience...

Best of luck to the lady though.

[2. Texas Craig said the following at 3:13 PM on Aug 3:]

2

I am not "one of them" (for any number of reasons, one of which is "I am a guy!"). Moreover, I do not wish to be critical. But, I do have a challenge for those women who make this their goal.

If you are not "lazy" but really have a pure motivation, then commit to documenting your time (like a lot of people in the workforce have to do) so you can verify that you really are being a good steward of your time - serving others, volunteering, doing things to support your husband (washing, cooking, etc.).

People that work outside the home have an automatic check on their time - their employer and the work they must accomplish. People that have children also have an automatic check on their time - a baby that needs you constantly to stay alive. But, someone who has neither of these checks would likely be prone to falling into selfish patterns of living, whereby they spend their time on their hobbies and interests, rather than truly serving others and their husbands.

I am not trying to question the veracity of those who have this desire. But, just as we caution men to avoid certain situations with women and to put into place checks in their life to ensure they do not fall into temptation and sin, so I think anyone who wants to pursue this path needs to do the same.

[3. Keith said the following at 3:30 PM on Aug 3:]

3

While being a homemaker is the most honorable profession, I feel it is wrong to go to university and displace another student who wanted to be in that program but didn't get in. For example, I recently read an article about a young lady who finished medical school and went straight back to be being a wife and mother. Good for her, but bad for the 83% of applicants to medical school who never get in (only around 1 in every 6 medical school applicants gets accepted at any medical school).

People need to decide what they want and stick by it. If you want to be a homemaker, don't go to university. Leave that seat (which many want but few get) to someone who actually plans on practing in that profession.

[4. BDB said the following at 3:32 PM on Aug 3:]

4

Am I one of these women? Well, no.

It's interesting to juxtapose this with the "doing hard things" thread.

When asking women in an MBA program what they plan to do, they usually have grand career plans.

Ask the same question to women volunteering in children's ministry, and they freeze...they're in children's ministry because they want to be a mom. They're not prepared to talk about their career plans.

A friend of mine married a woman with an undergraduate degree in Electrical Engineering. By the time they met, she felt called into ministry, and was actually the youth pastor at the Baptist church next to where he was stationed. At this time, they are enroute to Papua New Guinea with Wycliffe.

Though they both completed graduate seminary degrees, they both have undergraduate technical degrees. Developing nations have a huge need for technical and engineering knowledge, just as much as for construction and medical help. She's going there without an official "job" other than "mom." But I'm confident that God will use their undergraduate training in interesting (and unexpected) ways.

[5. adam said the following at 3:38 PM on Aug 3:]

5

Well I wouldn't want to marry an unproductive lump. I don't see how being unemployed and watching TV all day counts as a calling when you're married. When you're single and you do that they call you one thing: a bum. Just because there is one extra person in the house to pick up after doesn't validate the extra 7 hours of TV watching, napping, gossiping and general puttering you're able to pack into a busy schedule.

[6. DannieA said the following at 3:43 PM on Aug 3:]

6

Nope I'm not one of them. I've never met a stay at home wife (without children) that isn't overweight and glued to the soap operas during the day.

Stereotypical and crass? I'm sorry if it seems that way, it has just been my experience with the 3 young women that I've seen take this "role".

I personally find that the women who are most successful in doing this kind of lifestyle are older women who have retired or are empty nesters and volunteer and are actively busy in the community.

[7. Miss E said the following at 3:58 PM on Aug 3:]

7

Kudos for supporting this young lady, Candice!

I, too, would like to be based at home if I married, even before I had children. It * is * possible for a woman to be to be useful and productive without having a full-time job away from home. I think, as you said, Candice, that it would benefit the marriage concerned, and it could also be a real blessing to others, such as busy mothers, sick people, and the elderly. A SAHW would have the time that others may not have to visit and help people like these.

Gentlemen, wouldn't you like to arrive back from work to a clean, attractive, orderly home, with an unstressed wife preparing a homemade dinner for you?? And during the day she's had time to manage the family finances too, and has maybe been able to help you in your job in some way(particularly if you happened to be self-employed...). It sounds good to me :-)

(And, Ted, be happy - this is my second ever comment on The Line, so I'm coming out of the woodwork a little more! :-)

Miss E

[8. S said the following at 4:08 PM on Aug 3:]

8

Heck no!
I understand wanting to stay home when you have kids.
You know, there are days that I don't want to work either, but I do. It's called being responsible.

[9. DEH said the following at 4:20 PM on Aug 3:]

9

I love being a stay-at-home wife. I love the opportunities it gives me to serve the people around me, particularly my husband. And maybe that's what rankles some people: the idea that a woman can find fulfillment by serving her husband. But it's true in my life. I never feel more accomplished than I do on the days when I have done things to bless him, from making his favorite dinner to mending his favorite pair of pants. And he loves having me around. He loves that I'm available when he needs me for something and that I have time to do more domestic things that make life more comfortable for both of us. When I ask him if he would rather I worked outside the home, his emphatic answer is no. While having more money would be nice, it's not worth the trade off.

Also, with all the time I have, I can focus more on saving money. My husband and I were joking the other day that if something happened to me, he would still need the same income to live off of because I wouldn't be there to save money. I effectively "earn my keep," so to speak, by all of the little things I do that save us money, from budgeting to shopping wisely to clipping coupons to making home-cooked meals and mending clothes. Could I do these things with a job? Definitely. But it would not be nearly as easy, and I think that with the extra stress, our relationship would suffer.

And that's the biggest reason why I love my "job": being around to ease the stress on my husband makes both our lives and our relationship with each other much easier and more fulfilling things. When we were both in school, our relationship at times suffered because we were both so stressed that we couldn't carry our own burdens, let alone ease the burden of the other person.

People are always asking me if I'm looking for a job. And I always hem and haw and tell them no. What I really want to say, though, is that I have the best job in the world already. Why give that up?

[10. Renee said the following at 4:23 PM on Aug 3:]

10

I am one of them! :) Thank you SO much for sharing this. I've been married for a little over a year, and just recently began wrestling with the desire to have more time at home for all of those same reasons. I've felt guilty about it due to the general expectation that I continue working full-time until I have kids. I, too, wondered if I was just being selfish and lazy by entertaining these thoughts. Even though my husband and I have lived off of his income since day one and paid off what little debt we had within 6 months of getting married, I feel this pressure to stay where I'm at, as if it would be more "productive" than being a SAHW. Thankfully, that pressure is not so much from my husband, since he's supportive of my switching to part-time, should that door of opportunity present itself. Something I need to keep praying about, for sure.

Your article was such an encouragement, Candice. Thank you!

[11. Melissa said the following at 4:47 PM on Aug 3:]

11

I am wholeheartedly with Kate and Grace. It is my desire to one day be a stay-at-home-wife, and eventually to add the title of "mommy" to that. I can think of many single girlfriends who also long for this.

I *personally* don't find any satisfaction in my job/career, and spend most of my days longing to be at home where I feel I could do so much more with my talents and abilities. I long to be serving a husband, creating a haven of rest for him to come home to after his day. It would be so freeing to have the day to organize my household affairs, visit those who might need some encouragement, open my home for fellowship, work on ministry projects like composing Bible-memory verse songs for kids, etc. Maybe it's just my personality type, or maybe just the fact that I'm a woman...but I feel all of the creative and feminine talents that God has given me are going completely to waste with me having to be employed full-time outside the home.

Even in my single state, I find it exhausting to come home after an 8 hour day at the office, attempt to cook dinner for myself, and then take care of household chores (which I really enjoy when I'm not exhausted from work). I can't imagine having to keep up with those things being married, if I was still working full-time.

Right now, I basically only work because I HAVE to. I will delight in the day when this dream of being at home full-time becomes a reality.

[12. Melody said the following at 4:50 PM on Aug 3:]

12

Hallelujah! Yes!

I've told maybe two people about this desire and immediately vowed never to tell another soul because the reactions were appalling! You'd think I'd just told them I wanted to be homeless in some war-torn country, or some kind of supremely lazy, gold-digging mooch! It's so sad. I thought I must be the only one with these "old-fashioned" ideas now. Glad to know I'm not alone. A stay-at-home wife can be very productive and beneficial to her husband, community, and future family. What happened to guys who want to be the provider, even the sole provider? Is it so crazy that some people would choose that 50s-ish way of life because they actually like it?

[13. Sarah23 said the following at 4:53 PM on Aug 3:]

13

It is my specific prayer to find myself in such a situation! I have to find a husband first though :)

I am not ashamed about that and don't consider myself lazy in the least, I know there are many ways I could serve God, my husband, my church and others, leading a fruitful productive life. I will turn 24 this month and I've been working since I was 15, so I don't consider myself lazy or adverse to working in any way....rather I personally find it to be a higher calling.

One thing I find interesting...I have observed that some of my friends are not in the least ashamed that their house is a complete wreck because their husband, job and personal pursuits come first....I personally would be ashamed to have my home in complete disarray and would sacrifice a new car or fancy vacations so that I would have the time to care for it and my husband properly....

Not to be rude, but all the married couples I know who both work either live in a very chaotic, messy home or are stressed to the max because they are trying to keep their home in proper order and do all the other things they want to do on top of work. There truly are only so many hours in the day. Something will always give....

I praise God that these women are able to stay at home part time and enjoy taking care of their home and serving in other ways as well. It gives me hope personally that I can do the same!

Maybe the dissenters are jealous?

[14. Elisabeth said the following at 4:54 PM on Aug 3:]

14

I greatly admire these two women. I truly believe they have their priorities straight. I know that for some families, this is a very difficult thing to be able to do. However, if the Lord allows me to marry someday, this would be my preference. What an honor to serve one's husband and family in this way. It saddens me that the Body of Christ is not behind women like this.

[15. brx said the following at 4:55 PM on Aug 3:]

15

...not excited by the idea of a full-time career

...confused about whether my motives ... are pure and godly or selfish and lazy.

I guess I can envision...

I'm worried that with a full-time career I would...

While I do not think there is anything inherently wrong with being a SAHW, this college student's wording sounds more like it's betraying her fear of the unknown and that she's feeling some unnecessary anxiety by thinking she needs to have everything perfectly planned out for the next 5~10 years (a common problem with us engineering minds).

She mentions "the idea of a full-time career" making me think she doesn't really _know_ what it would really be like in her field and what kind of boundary options she could have. Too often I think, we tend to build up a very detailed image from very little real information and experience.

If she decided on engineering and maintained scholarship status, one presumes there is something she enjoyed about engineering. So, maybe she ought to seriously pray for good opportunities to try applying it.

She mentions being "worried" about something that has not happened, yet even if it does, it is readily addressable. It sounds like she's viewing the situation as choosing between to mutually exclusive options, but that's not how it really is.

She's got engineering training; so, analyze the situation, ask God to reveal options that haven't been considered, look at it from different angles, get cousel and perspectives from several wise people...

The selfishness question is really going to need to be prayed about and talked about in detail with the fiance'. If she has always been taken care of, never had to work a full-time job for living expenses, and has lots of discretionary time, could that provide fuel for resentments later on when her husband experiences a season where he feels very burdened in being the provider? Where do you want to go as a family and how soon do you want to get there?

My advice: be sure you're not turning down a great work out of fear. Try it, you might like it. You can always reduce or quit the job if/when you determine it would be better for your family.

One of the great things about the SAHW option is that it can be added at any time. Much more difficult however, is going the other direction - getting an enginering job after you've been out of school and a SAHW for a year or more.

If you do go the job route, maximize your family's options by striving to not be dependent on the second income. Then you can add the SAHW to the resume whenever you want.

Grace, peace & adventure in honest problem analysis and solution action

[16. Melissa said the following at 5:07 PM on Aug 3:]

16

I should add to my previous post, by saying that, after my 8 hour day at work, I *do* complete all the things I need to do (laundry, dishes, and ministry projects), but sometimes it means that I sacrifice sleep to do it. Sometimes I will nap for an hour or two after work to get some energy back, then I will do my cleaning until 11 pm. Just this weekend, I was up until 1 a.m. two nights in a row working on music projects for a missionary friend in Mexico. Was I exhausted? Yes. Was it worth it? Bigger YES. So, if I was not bound by my 8-4:30 existence, I could, as Candice said in her reply, exercise all the diverse roles of my womanhood while STILL getting the rest my body needs :)

[17. Louise from Chicago said the following at 5:12 PM on Aug 3:]

17

Comment 7, the former Mr. Louise F. Chicago would have said: "Yup, that's what I want to come home to, a homecooked meal and orderly house, in addition to her bringing home a full-time professional paycheck."

[18. Hannah C. said the following at 5:20 PM on Aug 3:]

18

Keith (#3): The author of the letter said specifically that she went to engineering school with the wish to be a stay at home wife and mother someday, but without any prospects. In her case, she did the smart thing. I've wanted to be a stay at home mom my whole life, but I still went to college and I'm getting my bachelor's degree. If I don't find a guy I don't want to make my parents support me or be stuck in low paying jobs. A bachelor's degree doesn't guarantee anything, but it does give more opportunities. Any woman who doesn't have any prospects should take advantage of those opportunities without guilt if she so chooses, no matter what she really wants to do with her life.

As for the main post.. I don't know if I would want to be a stay at home wife. I would definitely want some sort of a job, but a part-time job would qualify as a job in my eyes. I think it is unfair of men to equate sexual temptation with the possibility that anyone who has less than a full time job could oh so easily fall into abject laziness. To me they seem to be two different things, and I firmly believe not all housewives would act like that, though some may.

I think a married woman with a part time job and no children has many ministry opportunities available to her - at her church, perhaps at a homeless shelter, and of course with her husband and family. As long as she can balance it and not neglect her husband or her house, she's fine.

[19. k. said the following at 5:30 PM on Aug 3:]

19

I have two friends who stay at home without kids. It's not a choice that I understand, relate to, or admire much (honestly), but it works for them. Which is what matters most, after all.

Sarah23: You need to expand your circle of married friends. :)

[20. Julie said the following at 5:38 PM on Aug 3:]

20

I would have advised her differently, for practical reasons. In this day and age, it is dangerous for a woman to not have the means to support herself should she need to. Feminism has caused a lot of problems, but it did get some things right. Now this woman does have an engineering degree, so that's something, but I wonder how marketable she would be should she need to get an engineering job a few years from now with no experience? Husbands can leave, die, or lose their jobs. Yes, there are other safety nets, but it is a benefit for the woman, her husband, and her future children for her to have the knowledge that in the event she needs to support the family financially, she could. If the woman who wrote you has thought through this, then it could be the right choice. I'd push her though, to at least consider part-time work if that's possible in her field.

[21. Leah said the following at 5:40 PM on Aug 3:]

21

I finished my degree at the end of 2007, got married mid-2008. I'm not currently working but have worked since getting married (it was a contract which got extended, but the department got low on funds and wasn't able to extend my contract further). I do not want a full-time job. I want a part-time one - when I was working, I was working 3.5 days a week. This worked really well. I was earning a reasonable amount (considering I was only working 3.5 days a week), and it meant I could do housework, youth group preparation, etc on my off-days. This meant I could spend time with my husband when he was home rather than doing all the housework etc then. I also now teach Religious Education at two local schools, and when I get another job, part-time will enable me to continue doing that also.

Sarah23 (13) - I think it's rude to slyly accuse dissenters of being jealous.

[22. rachel said the following at 5:46 PM on Aug 3:]

22

I've been checking all day to see if you would post a blog on the Boundless Answers article. I admire this young woman's willingness to go against the grain. My sisters and I have many conversations on how our lack of a desire to have a "career" outside the home is more due to our desire to be a homemaker and wife and eventually mother. Though the Lord has not called us into marriage yet, we are preparing to be helpmates and wives. I admire her for taking a stand against those who would call her lazy. What a great opportunity to serve her husband and spend time volunteering, serving her church, mentoring younger women, and keeping her home. Thanks for encouraging her Candace and encouraging me in the process.

[23. Emily in Mississippi said the following at 5:48 PM on Aug 3:]

23

It's been a long time since I've been so excited just by the title of an article! Let me offer my congragulations:
First, to this young lady's fiance: You are so blessed to win a bride with a heart for the home. 'The LORD make the woman who is coming to your house like Rachel and Leah, the two who built the house of Israel.' (Ruth 4:11)
To Candice and the Boundless editors who were brave enough to tackle this question publicly.
And to the young lady herself: Congragulations on your upcoming marriage, and on having the courage to challenge 'the way things are done' in what my dad calls 'our post-Christian America'. 'May you become the mother of thousands of ten thousands; and may your descendants possess the gates of those who hate them' (Genesis 24:60). You go, girl! If the encouragement and support of a total stranger can mean anything to you, you have mine (as do the other young ladies who have mentioned their desire to be SAHWs).
Y'all have probably figured out that I am 'one of them'. I definitely hope and *plan* to stay at home from day one (and as a SAHD [stay-at-home-daughter] I am preparing for such a role).
This column made my day! Many thanks to Candice and the letter-writer!
~Emily

[24. Rachel said the following at 5:49 PM on Aug 3:]

24

Some people have suggested that if a woman doesn't intend to use her degree in the professional field, then she shouldn't take up a university place. But it's worth remembering that they can use knowledge and skills acquired in university to bless their family and community. And if a she becomes a mother, and a teacher to her children, surely the more knowledge she acquires the better?

[25. Elizabeth said the following at 5:56 PM on Aug 3:]

25

Thanks so much for this post. I am 37 years old, work full-time and am married (single for many years before this). My husband and I are trying for children, but that has not yet happened for us. We are in debt, and I am exhausted. Lately I've pondered this crazy notion of working only part time! :) I can testify, verify, stand up and be a witness to the fact that a full-time working wife is a very hard job. I do pity single moms and working moms for sure, but that doesn't negate the fact that a working wife still bears a bigger burden than a man for the care of the home. My husband is amazing, strong, magnanimous and smart. I love him dearly. But he is exhausted when he comes home from his hard labor job, and he is not inclined to start cleaning house at that point. He is also a good cook, much better than I, but doesn't always want to make the meals. He does help, but he can also stand a mess much better than I can. I, like most women, feel the burden to create a peaceful nest of a home. And though a "strong independent woman" who lived for many years without a man, I adore taking care of my husband. Therefore, I do most of the cleaning, about half the cooking, all the shopping, all the finances, and buy all the birthday presents and cards for all family members, including his. I pick up his dirty socks he flings on the floor, and I do all the laundry. We both flop in bed exhausted at night and wonder where all the time has gone.

I challenge you, gentlemen, if you expect women to "not be lazy" and work full-time, you must be willing to do exactly half the work. And not to be rude, but you probably won't, because you won't necessarily have the deep desire, like a woman, to cultivate a calm, peaceful home- at least not in the way that a woman does.

As for my husband, he would support me in whatever I did, be it quitting my job to build a "green" igloo in Alaska or what. I have already put in for part time status at my job, and feel much confirmation from reading these posts.

Our country is heading in the direction where many people will need to choose a simpler lifestyle. I believe a big part of this is allowing women the time and energy to care and nurture for others in a multitude of ways...

[26. sarah said the following at 6:03 PM on Aug 3:]

26

I'm a wife who works full time and it is exhausting and takes a toll on our household. I have several friends who work part time and would love to follow in their footsteps as they do have time to bless their husbands with things I can't right now (he can't come home to a nice cooked dinner when he gets home before I do!). I'm also not able to attend Bible studies or many ministry opportunities that are during the work day (I attend a church that highly values stay-at-home moms...there are just some of us who don't stay at home!).

It's not financially possible at the moment, but as soon as it is, we'll certainly be looking for ways for me to work part-time. I have recently moved from a job that required quite a bit of travel (definitely doesn't help in keeping a home!) to one that doesn't travel. Baby steps.

[27. Maria said the following at 6:08 PM on Aug 3:]

27

I like what Keith writes (#3)

People need to decide what they want and stick by it. If you want to be a homemaker, don't go to university. Leave that seat (which many want but few get) to someone who actually plans on practing in that profession.

I agree. Both men and women need to be intentional about their future life goals when furthering their education. I am not insinuating post secondary education to be a waste for the individual who later decides to pursue avenues which are not related to his/her prior professional/educational pursuits, but to do so with no intention of future employment in that field shows ill constructed logic and poor planning.

I would also add that this mentality (earn the degree, get the job and refuse it) robs other potential candidates from acquiring the said position that was once given to the individual who was disciplined enough to earn the degree, but later changed his/her couse of action.

[28. Kate said the following at 6:21 PM on Aug 3:]

28

I think it's up to mothers to decide if they want to have a career or not. But, I just recently graduated from college and I can not imagine never seeking a job in my area of study. I graduated with an education degree like the Kate in the article. That's one job that would allow you to be more flexible and I feel is more of a calling than a career. Why would you not save up more money with your husband? I think this is financial unrealistic for most couples and boundless shouldn't raise these women up and put down women who work. After all, we are in the 21st century.

[29. Heather said the following at 6:29 PM on Aug 3:]

29

I know this is a bit off topic, but I had a really strong reaction to a couple of the comments.

So, to those who think women who desire marriage and motherhood shouldn't pursue an education:

1. What if she's not blessed with those roles when she would choose, if ever?

2. What if she's widowed with several small mouths to feed? Life can change drastically in a matter of seconds.

A degree certainly doesn't counter God's sovereignty, but why waste His good gift of a scholarship?!

I don't know of anyone who regrets earning a degree (and the subsequent opportunities it affords). As a single engineer who would drop my four-year career in a heartbeat if blessed with a family, I know I don't!

[30. Rachael said the following at 6:37 PM on Aug 3:]

30

I'm not at all career-hearted. Well, I shouldn't say 'at all' because I may partially be.

I ended up as a stay-at-home-wife for several months after I married early this year.

This quarter I'm teaching (part-time, but there's lots of time spent on grading, prep, and commuting as well) and I don't know about next quarter. I don't know if there will be a need for me or what my life situation will be like by then.

My sister is a stay-at-home wife now. She just finished her last year of teaching. She desires a family. They were laying off teachers anyway, and I think she volunteered to leave. One thing she likes to do is write, so maybe she'll spend a lot of time concentrating on that.

I think for me, it might be better if either I volunteered somewhat substantially or worked. I can waste my time easily, though. At the same time, I really don't want to just 'work anywhere' just to have a job, if I'm not at all interested in the job. Will that happen someday? Who knows.

I don't have enough discipline to do a bunch of home stuff alone, though there is a lot of home stuff that could be done that would suck up a ton of time.

[31. Alexis said the following at 6:40 PM on Aug 3:]

31

Yes, I would love to be a stay-at-home-wife and eventually a Mom. Currently I am in an agreeable position that allows me to work 4 days a week and have a 3 day weekend every weekend. That open Friday every week gives me a day to run errands, clean the house, do laundry and bake/plan meals for the week. I know that if I didn't have that day and had to work 5 or even 6 days a week my life would be more stressful and my relationship with my husband would be strained. Because I have this day I am more relaxed during the week and on Sat and Sun because I know I can get things done on Fridays. My Husband has expressed a wish that he would love for me to be able to quit my job and just focus on being a wife, and for that person who commented about being over weight and watching TV all day. We don't own a TV but we do own an elipitical trainer! Maybe, The Good Lord will see fit to bless us with a change in job situation for my husband that would allow me to stay home, until then I am grateful for my 3 day weekends!

[32. Christina (in green) said the following at 6:58 PM on Aug 3:]

32

First of all,

Happy birthday, Sarah23 ;)

Second of all,

That was me. Unfortunately, I ended up with debt so I had to keep working. Now I have a baby and there was no part time work where I was so we're working to figure some things out financially because I quit my job.

If you can do it without putting a financial stress on your husband with college debt, than I say go for it. Single in a 1 bedroom apt was good with a full time job. But a 4 bedroom, 3 bath house with 2 living rooms and a kitchen is not exactly the quickest thing to keep clean. I've been here for 4 months and have cleaned the upstairs bathrooms twice since moving in. In my defense, I've got a newborn to tend to, but it is by no means quick and easy to take care of a single-family home with more than one person living there.

[33. Bethany said the following at 7:02 PM on Aug 3:]

33

In one word, YES!!!!!!! (And after reading faithfully for a year, this is the 1st comment I've left so that's how strongly I feel about it.)

[34. denise said the following at 7:10 PM on Aug 3:]

34

speaking just for myself here... yes!~ i would love to be a stay at home wife and have specifically made decisions if the opportunity arose (ie meeting that man would be a good start!~). I've finished my graduate program and have worked as a professional for several years ... although i have the sometimes joy of seeing my work positively impact people i really long for marriage and would love to bless my husband by keeping home and becoming a better cook before children arrive. I also have certain programs/charities i would be interested in supporting... and for goodness sake, i didn't break my back for nothing, so yes, i would find a job that would enable me to work a few hours a week (i'm talking <20) Currently i am entering escrow and having been frugal with finances will have a reasonable mortgage in the event that my future husband doesn't make crazy money which also enables me to stay at home with children.

[35. Brian said the following at 7:23 PM on Aug 3:]

35

I agree with #3. Keith. The one thing that really stuck out at me about the original question was the admission of an engineering degree on full scholarship. Depending on the educational path the woman originally took, I think being a stay at home wife can be fine. However, in light of the challenges today of getting children interested in science and engineering, I think that person has a responsibility to give back to society in a meaningful (read:technically productive) way- especially being educated at the expense of/in place of another.

[36. Lora said the following at 7:24 PM on Aug 3:]

36

I would love to one day be a stay at home wife. I do know that I get bored easily, so I would probably need a part-time job or do regular volunteering. Right now I work 30 hours per week and love all the time I have for my horses and to keep up on things as well as help my mother around the house.

[37. skp said the following at 8:11 PM on Aug 3:]

37

"Wouldn't it be nice to arrive home from work to a clean attractive orderly home".......
Running a home is a joint venture- at least in my house. Men have their version of "housework" too. What would you say if my husband used the "Wouldn't you like to came home to a perfectly manicured yard, a painted porch , a properly maintained vehicle and a non stressed out husband" rationalle for him staying at home full time.
Personally, I don't know what you would do all day. I would be bored stiff. I'd have to work at least part time. That's funny I do!!

[38. Lynne said the following at 8:16 PM on Aug 3:]

38

Kate and Grace can make wonderful use of the time outside of the workplace and before children. There are a lot of relational areas (that don't translate well to time clocks) that are quite valuable. And before anyone talks about wasting time in front of soap operas, it might be good to pause and reflect on how much time we workers spend on blogs/web/twitter during the workday.

That being said, I think a little experience now, even part-time as opposed to full-time work, increases the opportunities available in the future.

[39. Molly said the following at 8:31 PM on Aug 3:]

39

I was delighted to read this article, and I was even more delighted to read Candice's response. Finally! Someone who is a believer that actually praises a woman staying at home. Things were looking up, until, I read some of these comments. I'll go ahead and admit that I was saddened by the responses of a few them. Personally, I applaud this young woman for staying home and making her home her "center of ministry".

For those of you accusing this young woman of being lazy or unproductive, that is a very unfair statement to make. Do you have evidence that she is sitting around all day? Do you know for certain that she is sleeping in until 12:00? Do you know that she does nothing but watch TV all day? From her letter, I received a much more clear picture of how she plans to spend her time. She mentioned several activities that require a lot of time and strength to perform, as well as various ministry opportunities in her community. That doesn't sound unproductive or lazy to me.

Thank you , Candice for taking the un-popular route and encouraging this woman to stay at home. Your response has encouraged me all the more in my future endeavors as a wife/mom.

[40. Kellie said the following at 9:03 PM on Aug 3:]

40

If a woman really wanted to do that and had the financial means to, I don't see anything wrong with it (I don't think it's the more Godly or better option, just different).

While my house is not the most clean (or the most dirty), my husband and together do manage to keep up a house, enjoy each other's company, and raise a child both while working (I work part-time). Easy? No. Stressful? Sometimes. But I do enjoy my life and my family and there isn't much I would change.

[41. Craig M. said the following at 9:31 PM on Aug 3:]

41

Made a lot more sense when laundry had to be hand-washed-and-dried, meals were prepared from scratch and birth-control (and thus long-term childlessness) didn't exist.

[42. Sarah23 said the following at 9:41 PM on Aug 3:]

42

Adam #5:

Perhaps you feel a SAHW would be a unproductive lump because that's how you would be if you were in the same situation? People often are unable to comprehend someone acting differently in a situation than they would/did/do....by the way, you all seem to have totally skipped over the fact that she plans to work part time.

I could also flip the coin and remind you that not all people working full time jobs are prodcutive and responsible with their time. I've worked with PLENTY of "unproductive lumps" and that's putting it nicely! Not to mention I know many people who believe putting in their 40 hrs is all that's required of them - their personal life is a wreck. So why not be a little more graceful with your opinions.

DannieA #6: Your sweeping statement that you've "never met anyone" who met up to your standards for a SAHW is a little less impressive when you go on to state that you've only known 3. Sure, there are plenty of lazy SAHW's & SAHM's....but there are plenty who are not lazy. Let's not make sweeping generalizations and drag down what can be wonderful duty in life because there are a few bad eggs.

I truly find it interesting that it bothers people so much...the older I get the more I realize, if the world finds it repulsive/idiotic I may have just stumbled upon something great...

[43. Boaz said the following at 9:47 PM on Aug 3:]

43

I am noticing not one male yet has been supportive of this idea. As a single Christian guy, if my future wife wanted to stay at home from day 1 of marriage on, I would back it 100%. I don't care if she has completed 10 years of higher education and has $300,000 in school loans. The idea that education is ever "wasted" on an individual who doesn't ultimately use it for gainful employment is ludicrous to me. Of course, maybe my perspective is jaded by the number of young female physicians I know that are miserable working 80 hours a week away from their husbands (and in some cases children). And by the way, lazy people are going to be lazy no matter whether at work or at home...which is like the anti-Proverbs 31 wife...and I don't know any guys looking for that girl (and furthermore the lazy guy:lazy girl ratio in our society and churches in my experience is about 10:1 to begin with). Sometimes young men need some added incentive to be providers... learning to live on one salary early in marriage seems exceedingly wise to me.

[44. Marie said the following at 10:32 PM on Aug 3:]

44

I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home-wife with a part-time job. I enjoy cooking from scratch, gardening, and housekeeping-type chores. But I know that if I didn't have kids, home-keeping would not take up as much time as a full time job. So I'd work part-time; partly to keep busy, and partly because the pre-kids time is a great time to make some extra money to stash away for retirement, childrearing expenses, & college funds. Especially since it will have that much more time to gain interest before it's needed, as opposed to taking a part-time job when the kids are in highschool.

Working only part time would also leave room for volunteering on a regular basis. Lots of people volunteer here and there for one-time things, but there are certain jobs where just one person willing to commit to something longer-term on a regular basis can make a HUGE difference.

The woman who wrote in is very blessed that her husband's income alone is enough to support both of them.

[45. Marie said the following at 10:55 PM on Aug 3:]

45

I'm very glad to see this topic being discussed. I'm a 23-year-old, single woman, and I would love nothing more than to be a SAHW. I've wanted to be a SAHM since I was a kid, but even wanting that has gotten me a fair amount of ridicule through the years. I'm struggling to finish college because I can't afford it, and I'm struggling to find a job. Being unemployed right now has given me the opportunity to really think about what kind of job I want. Honestly, I have never felt drawn to any kind of traditional career. It's not that I'm lazy: except for this period of unemployment which I'm doing everything I can to bring to an end, I have had a steady job since I was 11 years old. In Candice's main article she mentioned something about women shouldering both curses. I liked that, because I feel like I'm expected to go into a man's world and behave like a man, even though every instinct and feeling inside me is drawn in a different way.

It's incredibly discouraging for me to feel like I am wrong for wanting to be fulfilling the role for which I believe I was created. I feel with every fiber of my being that I am supposed to be a care-giver, supporter, and nurturer. I would love to do that with kids, but I would also welcome time at home before kids to learn how to efficiently run the home. And yes, I've tried working in fields where I can use the skills I would need in the home. I have had jobs where I nanny and care for people in a group home. I have found that when I am giving to people in this way, it drains me because it is simply not the same as caring for your own family.

I applaud the women who educate themselves to make the most of the mind God has given them, and to prepare to care for themselves as needed. I am trying to do the same, but I long for the day when I can finally step into the role I've always dreamt of: wife and mother. Not just mother; the wife part has always come first in my mind, and I can't wait to start putting it into practice.

[46. Kelly said the following at 10:58 PM on Aug 3:]

46

I would caution her against this. I have seen single young wives, not working full time, fall into the trap of laziness.

More than that, if you are only working part-time and "managing a household" part time, how will you ever cope when the children arrive? Children are a full-time job on TOP of managing a house-hold.

I don't buy into excuses that say they want to manage a home; that's something that can easily be done in addition to a 40-hour working week. I'm single; regularly work 50-60 hour weeks, and my house is immaculate. When my work schedule drops back to 40 hours, I'll have time for service/socialising again.

--

Also, to the letter-writer. You got a free ride through college. WHAT A WASTE if you're not going to use it. And you've actually stolen that scholarship money from some person who probably needed it just as much and would have *done something for the world* with that degree.

If you wanted to study "for personal interest" then you should have paid for it yourself.

[47. Ultraviolet said the following at 11:04 PM on Aug 3:]

47

I wonder what all the supporters would say if there was a man wanting to stay at home, to tend to cleaning and cooking, to make a nice, relaxing environment for their wife to come home to from work?

In principle, does it make a difference? Or is this advocated because it is women fulfilling this role?

[48. GoingUp2JC said the following at 11:16 PM on Aug 3:]

48

I was a teacher for several years, got married, and taught for one more year before getting laid off due to budget cuts. And PRAISE GOD for getting laid off. I found that with both my husband and I working full time jobs, we had TOO MUCH STRESS and I wondered, what is the POINT of having both of us work? Our debts are paid off. Sure, we can save money for the future. But at what cost to our marriage? Doesn't the Bible warn against chasing after money? #8 S, is it being responsible to neglect one's husband because of a job? To have both of us come home from work, both of us too tired to make dinner or do laundry or go grocery shopping or clean the house or pay the bills etc. Now I can take care of these things while he is at work so that we can spend our evenings and weekends together. That is why I turned down a job offer even after being presented with one. My relationship with my husband is FAR MORE PRECIOUS than earning money for the sake of having money. And getting fat and lazy watching soap operas...well, we don't even have a TV, so no prob, Bob!

[49. Monica in New Mexico said the following at 11:33 PM on Aug 3:]

49

I graduated in May '09 with a double major in Elementary Ed and Music Ed. I was also married in May of '09. I am working part-time and taking care of my home--Grace and Kate I am with you. I want to be able to make dinner for my husband and clean the house, and take care of grocery shopping and other errands--not to say that I don't enjoy when he helps, and he does, but I guess I just want to be the keeper of my home. I love it when he enjoys a meal I have prepared, or brags on the homemade cookies I baked, or when he whistles when he walks in the door 'cause the house is sparkling clean, and I know for myself that cooking, baking and house-cleaning are difficult when I am working full-time. I would also have to say that taking care of a house and working part-time is by no means lazy or selfish--I reason that it is being considerate of my husband's wants and needs. My husband takes pride in being the sole bread-winner and meeting my and his needs without me having to work full-time. I am also blessed to have both our parents and my friends very supportive of our choice.

[50. Jenny said the following at 12:00 AM on Aug 4:]

50

I would encourage people not to knock going to college before becoming a full-time wife.

For one thing, most people don't graduate high school knowing who they're going to marry, and college offers a good opportunity to meet a broader range of Christian singles. Plus, if you don't have any prospects, the logical thing to do is acquire training for a profession.

For another thing, there's a pretty good possibility the knowledge you gain in college will help you to be a better wife and mother. And the diligence you have to develop to manage working on multiple projects at once in school comes in very handy in the home, too. Another bonus is, when your own children are ready for college, you'll be able to give them first-hand advice.

My mother graduated from college and married a few months later, choosing to be a stay-at-home-wife. (Granted, that didn't last very long, as I was on the way in a few months.) But she is one of those people who hasn't had an idle day in her life. She helped young mothers in the church, worked on setting up her home, made preparations for my arrival, and generally looked well into the ways of her household. I respect and admire her immensely, and I applaud anyone else who aims to follow in that path.

People said my mother was throwing away her degree and her intelligence, but she just chose to use it in loving her family instead of a paying career. She used her Consumer Affairs major to amazingly feed and clothe (and then some!) a family of 13 on one income. She used her knowledge to homeschool 11 children, all of us scoring above average marks on national standardized tests (which she was able to administer, incidently, because of her degree.) She runs our home as efficiently and attentively as any CEO would run a company, and she absolutely loves it.

My mom was a stay-at-home-wife--and now, mother--and she is awesome!

[51. Lissanan said the following at 12:05 AM on Aug 4:]

51

You can count me in among the supporters!

I constantly struggled working my 8-5 job. I longed to be more involved with my community. I feel like everything that I really want to do with my life is unfortunately unpaid...

Don't get me wrong, I am not lazy. I have to be doing something productive all the time, and no, that doesn't include watching TV (since I don't even have one).

I recently resigned from my 8-5 office job, because it wasn't my passion and few other reasons. I am a single college graduate and thankfully debt free. By the grace of God my cost of living is extremely low because of great circumstances. So, I am able to live off very little. Even though I am not married and I don't have the responsibility of taking care of a husband yet, I think that working a part time job to support myself and save for my future family while giving hours into Kingdom work each week sounds wonderful. I admire the women in the church who are able to run Christmas programs, serve constantly and reach out to fellow believers and unbelievers. There is so much to be done in our communites and I want to devote my time there.

Where in scripture does it say you have to work at a job outside your home for 40-50 hours a week? The word just says that those who don't work, don't eat. I absolutley agree that we need to be responsible... but if we are giving our time and energy to the Kingdom, then I see that as incredibly responsible. What about the scripture: "Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you..."

I have been so frustrated lately because I look at my options for jobs and I am so unsatisfied. I know I wasn't put on this earth to make money, eat and die. I have been trying to find some avenue of meaning, but every time I find a job that I think I would absolutely love I find out its unpaid. So, I really just want to work a part time job and serve on the side.

As it is I am extremely involved at my local church. I serve the homeless once a week, host/lead a life group for our young adults once a week, lead a prayer group once a week and serve at our service. I LOVE pouring into younger lives and reaching out. I love having the time to prepare meals for my friends when they have children or they're moving. I also love having the opportunity to volunteer at our local shelter for children taken into custody by the state. Unfortunately, when I work full time, I don't have time for all of this.

[52. Jenny said the following at 12:06 AM on Aug 4:]

52

Another thought, I am reminded of the Paul Overstreet song:

She wants to be a homemaker
It's her dream to raise the family
And give her love to just one man
And I thank God it's me
I'll never underestimate her
cause she could take this word and turn it on
But she takes her love
And makes our house a home

[53. Natalia said the following at 2:16 AM on Aug 4:]

53

Is being a stay-at-home-wife a job, a calling, or a privilege?

In much of the developing world, wives may indeed stay at home but they do so with the survival of their family in mind.
Food, much of it produced in the family garden, needs to be cooked for hours on a charcoal stove.
The water used to cook, water, wash, bathe and drink is brought in using jerrycans. The nearest well or borehole may be anywhere between 2-10 kilometres down the road... and water often needs to be fetched four times a day.

You can not tell me that the majority of women in North America face these challenges! Sure it takes time to maintain a household but staying at home all day to accomplish a general cleanliness about the home seems ridiculous.

With running water, washers/dryers, ovens, dishwashers, cars and means of transportation, it should not take 40+ hours a week to keep a house clean. Unless of course the house one lives in is much to large for two married people. In which case, the simpler way to a simpler life would be simply downsizing!

As for volunteering, it is very possible to serve the needs of ones community and still hold a part time/ full time job. And imagine! With all the extra money from the job, one could even donate money to the organization/cause which one volunteers with.

PS. Having husbands who know how to cook tasty meals, wash a load of laundry and scrub the toilets is not a bad thing! And maybe, just maybe, having a wife who works a job is not a bad thing either?!

[54. Michelle (in the UK) said the following at 2:20 AM on Aug 4:]

54

Yes I would definitely be one of them.

When I was 18 you would have had me running the other way. I am now 26 years old and I would definitely want to be a SAHW or SAHM. Now, I probably would create my own business--but I don't think that takes away from the women that are mentioned in this article.

Personally, I would combine what they are doing with my own business which I would need flexibility to do.

I believe it is honourable to stay at home and take care of the family, the house, volunteer commitments. I also feel that if you want to go out and work that is also fine. It is your choice.

However you live your life, make your marriage do it to honour God, and the covenant you made with your husband and God. I mean, it's between you and your husband how you choose to live out your lives.

For those who say that a women who chooses to stay home after completing a degree I say this. Whether it's medical school, business school or engineering everyone should have the right to an education. Just like you should have the right to choose to stay home or go to work, or choose to have kids early or later, it's a choice. Equal rights were put there for a reason--we should have the right to choose this. A woman who has a medical degree can care for her children better, for those in her neighbourhood or church, a woman with an engineering degree can help on home renovation projects better, a woman with a business degree may be able to support those in her church who need to learn to manage finance.

I'll conclude with this. I am 26 and work full time. My boss wants me to be the Managing Director of our company and fully supports me having children and getting married in this process. Will I take that role on once I am ready? I don't know. I only know this, that is a decision I will make with my future husband (should I get married, and I want to) because that decision will affect our family--no one elses.

[55. H.A.P. said the following at 2:34 AM on Aug 4:]

55

Time management can be a big issue, but I was self-employed before our marriage so I was used to working without constant over-sight. We don't even own a TV so there goes watching soap operas all day!

When my husband and I married, We wanted a baby right away so it seemed foolish for me to look for work in this country. I enjoyed house keeping and husband 'keeping' very much. :) I think it was beneficial to have 'practice' staying at home before the baby arrived. I also was able to get involved in loads of ministry and volunteer work. Most of which I still do now that I have been a SAHM for two years.

It is very hard to practice living on one income when making two. If you are in a position to stay at home immediately after marriage, I recommend you do it! and graduate to a SAHM as soon as the Lord allows.

[56. Faith said the following at 6:00 AM on Aug 4:]

56

I have my bachelors and masters in mechanical engineering and I would rather stay home and tend to my house and husband. Working doesn't appeal to me at all. I don't think that my schooling was a waste either because I graduated debt free and learned so much.

[57. Faith said the following at 6:04 AM on Aug 4:]

57

After reading the other comments I had something else to throw in. My Dad always said it was better to get a degree now when you are young instead of being ten or fifteen years down the road and your husband dies and you have no way to support yourself and your family. That is one of the reasons I worked to get a degree even though in the end I wanted to stay home with my family. Right now I am working in engineering part-time to help save money for our family.

[58. Megan said the following at 6:19 AM on Aug 4:]

58

I was actually a housewife for nearly 2 years before our daughter was born just 2 months ago. During that time I was able to be supportive and helpful to my husband. When my husband decided he needed a new job, I was able to be there during the day working on his resume, looking for job leads and sending things off for him. Then I was the one who did the packing and preparing to move and could handle all the details so my husband could just focus on work. After we moved, I was able to work on renovating our house during the day, so when my husband got off work he could focus on all the things that I didn't know how to do.

I was also able to start making my own bread and preparing healthier meals. My husband says over and over again how nice it is for him to come home and have a nice meal on the table, his clothes clean, the bills paid, etc. I didn't just sit around watching tv and getting fat. I tried my best to prepare our home and ourselves for future children. I knew that I wouldn't have as much time to learn new skills once children came (and I was right!), so I tried my best to learn those things during that time as a housewife (knitting, sewing, baking, budgeting, cleaning, etc.).

I'm very grateful for that time that my husband and I had while I was at home. It has made it much easier to get things done now with a baby.

I'm very surprised that people have made such harsh comments about women who choose to stay home before having kids. If the husband and wife find value in her staying home, then why not? I don't think this is an area where we can claim one is right and one is wrong. It worked for our family, but we certainly don't think our way is the only way. Why should couples who both work outside the home think their way is the only way?

[59. LouiseinPA said the following at 6:19 AM on Aug 4:]

59

No, I am not one of them. I do not wish to be a SAHW. It seems like these two women want to serve others-which is great-but is the wife the only one who is supposed to serve during a marriage? It seems that these women have some assumption that it is their job to do every little household task. Why can't the husbands help sometimes if they are stressed out? Husbands are always called to serve their wives-Christ was a servant leader. I don't see a need for one spouse to stay at home to "serve" the other because both should say down their lives for each other out of love.

[60. Laura Dobson said the following at 6:49 AM on Aug 4:]

60

i think much of this depends on your personal motivation organizational skills and the needs of the family. for instance: i originally went home to be a SAHW right after we were married and we were not blessed with children right away (still waiting and hoping). i had major issues with depression regarding my fertility situation and would do housework, yes but not as well as i should have beacause i was still not good at managing my time when it was completely my own. totally a personal weakness . . . and i just had too much time on my hands to mope. i am trained musician and had vague plans of teaching violin out of my home but things were really slow to get started. i fell into a horrible trap. i nagged my darling, gentle husband to within an inch of his life and was constantly in need of comfort and reassurance of his love etc. . . this got old REALLY fast. when finally one day it dawned on me. . . . i need a job! doing what i do best! teaching my music! i found a great starter job at a music school where my teaching schedule filled up quickly. i soon became very busy and something amazing happened. i got more emotionally balanced my husband and my relationship improved dramatically and i started to learn things about myself that i will never forget and that will impact me for the rest of my life. of course it wasn't because of the job. . but i think God was working through the job ad put it in my path to pursue etc.
you see, my husband didn't need me to keep house for him 24/7. he's actually pretty good at some housework himself and actually enjoys pitching in. but what has been most helpful is my contribution to the family's finanaces. it has enabled us to renovate our home and pay down our mortgage significantly and prepare for the family we know God has waiting for us.
i now after a year of working full time am beginning to be at home more (finally teaching out of my house) and look forward to the day when i am home full time with babies to look after but until then i am happy to pitch in where needed whether that means working outside the home or in the the home. i try to be versatile. . like the Proverbs 31 woman if i'm not mistaken.

[61. P&P said the following at 7:01 AM on Aug 4:]

61

What disturbed me is that original letter writer used the words "simple lifestyle." When you're 22, your lifestyle is pretty simple, but at 32? Not so much.

Even if she only works for two or three years, she will have the opportunity to build up a significant emergency fund and even some money for a down payment on a larger house, if they have children.

The reality is that people do get divorced, become seriously ill, get laid off and experience other major personal and financial setbacks. By having a few years of work experience under her belt and a few extra dollars in their joint bank account she'll have a bit of insurance against the troubles that inevitably fall to all of us.

[62. Kristyn said the following at 7:01 AM on Aug 4:]

62

Thank you Candace and contributors for this posting. I was very blessed by reading this perspective. I am a college educated professional gal who just turned 30 and am in the discernment process with a gentleman about the prospect of marriage. I have only recently been considering the option of beinga stay at home mother someday, and the possibility fo being a stay at home wife sans children, even for just a year, seems like a truen time of investment for my future spouse and I. This is not something I would have ever considered in the past, but with age and experience, and a healthy measure of God's grace, I am honestly feeling called to explore this possibility. Please keep me in yoru prayers as God's plan and path are revealed.

[63. Melissa said the following at 7:21 AM on Aug 4:]

63

Before my husband and I married, we discussed this issue a lot. He wanted me to stay at home even before we had kids, but I didn't think I could justify the time. I got pregnant on the honeymoon and worked part time till Junior arrived, and now stay at home full time with our 5 month old.

I just want to say that (1) there CAN be great value to a woman serving her family at home - even if it's just her husband and (2) it DOES take work to keep yourself productive. There are temptations to laziness. I love to read but don't do it until my "to do" list for the day is done - usually I get a half hour or so to relax in the afternoon.

I think if you really want to, you can waste time in a lot of jobs or you can waste time at home. Being productive and blessing your employer OR blessing your family at home always will require being more ACTIVE that PASSIVE. It's a challenge that everyone faces, but it is more magnified when a gal is home by herself.

So ladies who stay at home, lets SHOW others that we're valuable!

[64. Michela said the following at 7:24 AM on Aug 4:]

64

This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. I think that, honestly, a lot of women are not cut out to be working full-time jobs and taking care of a house at the same time. I feel conflicted because I have a very basic desire (and need perhaps?) to take care of my house (and after Saturday, my new husband!), and my job is so stressful and soul-crushing that it leaves me with little energy to do the things that are the most important to me.

I completely agree with Candice on this. The people who disagree need to seriously question their own motives before passing judgement on others. Where in the Bible does it say that women should work full-time? I know people will come back and ask "where does it say they shouldn't?"- and that is exactly my point. God does not specify this, but if some women feel sick at the thought of trying to balance a full-time job while pursuing their specific talents, taking care of a home and husband, volunteering at church, and doing various other things, then maybe God is calling them to a different type of schedule.

Also, I laughed at the few posts that implied some women would do this out of selfish motivation in order to sit at home, watch soap operas, and eat bon-bons. If these women are trying to improve their quality of life and their relationships with their spouses and their Lord, that's not going to help.

[65. Steph said the following at 7:49 AM on Aug 4:]

65

Interesting comments. As a teacher, over the summers, I get to live this life, only as a SAHS (Stay At Home Singleton).

What have I done for the past two months?

At home I've cleaned out and organized my closets, painted and redecorated my bedroom, cooked meals from scratch nearly every night, worked on a sewing project, baked pies and goodies to give to friends, froze sweet corn, and (attempted) to learn how to knit. I know that I did not watch a single episode of a soap opera. In fact, most days the television was off until I was ready to unwind later in the evening.

Additionally, the time allowed me to have extended daily devotions, exercise, read, and deepen relationships by having the ability to meet friends for lunch. I had the time to adequately prepare to facilitate a weekly women's Bible study, get involved with my church's special needs ministry, and be on a planning committee for women's summer retreat.

In short, this summer has been fantastically fulfilling. And I didn't earn a cent doing it.

Now, I don't say this to "toot my own horn," but to show that it is possible to stay busy with relevant work even without children, and in my case, without a husband. For me, I'm a traditionalist, and absolutely love all of the aspects of the "art of homemaking" so it comes naturally, for which I'm grateful for. I realize it isn't like this for everyone.

But the thought of being able to do all of this in a house (instead of my apartment) for and with a man I dearly love and care for? I think that sounds like HEAVEN!! :)

[66. Sarah P. said the following at 7:58 AM on Aug 4:]

66

Hey, if the lady wants to be a SAHW, and her husband would like the same for her, then who are we to judge? If I were a SAHW right now, I would still have to discipline myself to finish cleaning and house chores, because I would have way more things I could do than I would ever have time to do, things I can't do right now:

- Volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center
- Send out more queries for freelance writing assignments
- Tutor homeschool kids in Latin, Algebra, creative writing, literature, etc.
- Pray in a dedicated manner for other countries, for the future of the United States, for my husband, for my biological family
- WRITE!!

Who has time for TV? Certainly not the Proverbs 31 woman! :D :D And further, I would argue that most of those activities would move me closer to being a productive SAHM in the next stage.

[67. Katie A. said the following at 7:58 AM on Aug 4:]

67

I want to be a stay at home wife. And the guy I'm seeing agrees that a stay at home wife is what he's looking for, too. And children down the road, Lord willing!

I just keep thinking about people who think that full time homemaking is "boring" or that they surely couldn't have enough to do to fill their time. I wonder how anyone could think that when there are so many many spheres of interest to pursue in home making. From cooking to sewing to doing things that beautify the home (photography, art, pottery, etc.) to helping your husband with finances, shopping, gardening, maybe some of his work (depends on the situation!) I just can't imagine being bored. There's always more learning to do, people to begin relationships with, neighbors who might like a helping hand, services that the church needs.

And I wonder if sometimes people lash out at stay at home wives because they themselves feel a little conviction about it but can't face it. I know that can be true with other issues.

Thanks for posting this Candace!

[68. allison said the following at 8:00 AM on Aug 4:]

68

Let's do be careful about what we say about the author of this letter. She is likely reading this, and I know if someone said to me some of the words that have been used to describe her, I would be crushed. No where in her letter does she show herself to be unproductive or lazy. Seems to me she has a high view of her calling as a wife.

I could write a long post on my view of this, but I feel that it would only use too much of my time, which my 6 month old son is kind of possessive of ;) but I will say this: I have a friend who worked only 2 days a week before she and her husband had children. She wasn't lazy. She kept their home in order, prepared nutritious meals, and mentored younger sisters in Christ. It was a rather legitimate calling, I feel.

[69. Miriam said the following at 8:02 AM on Aug 4:]

69

I loved this article! Being a full-time working wife is something I've never really considered - the other has always been my natural desire. As someone with no matrimonial prospects at the moment, I am happy in my non-career type job, but am looking forward dearly to the time when I can concentrate on making a home for my husband. I think if I tried to take up the duties of a wife along with working a 40 hour week the days would end in tears more often than not.

I would love to support my husband by keeping his home, feeding him well, showing hospitality, serving others in the church, and volunteering. And just learning to be a wife!

If I could do some part time work from home or in the mornings that could be good, but I think I could profitably fill my days without paid employment.

[70. -WL- said the following at 8:03 AM on Aug 4:]

70

The argument that being a SAHW with no children is "too easy", or "not equivalent to full-time work" (comment #1), doesn't hold up. My full-time job is a breeze. I sit at a desk all day and there is no stress or deadlines. If I were to take care of a home & husband, clean, run errands, support my husband in his ministry and job, do double the laundry and serve within my church & community, it would be HARDER than my full time job. So it's relative. Does it mean ~I~ should find a harder job because mine is easy? It is all about motives. I can be lazy & selfish in my full-time job; I can be lazy & selfish as a wife & mother. If a woman has the right biblical attitude, loves the home and loves to support her husband (and they are able to have that arrangement) then that is a beautiful display of biblical roles. The fact that a married, childless woman is "at home" shouldn't imply laziness/irresponsibility and doesn't negate the fact that it could be wise and extremely beneficial to a husband and the home-life dynamic.

[71. Nancy said the following at 8:10 AM on Aug 4:]

71

I have a few friends on the other side of that coin -- they are stay-at-home moms whose kids are all in school now. Almost everyone asks them why they aren't working again, and what they do all day. (Have they ever SEEN the amounts of laundry three+ kids generate?!) It's very disrespectful to question someone else's calling, or assume they must be lazy, as several commenters have done.

At the same time, my practical self was thinking "In two years working as an engineer, you could save enough money to purchase a house outright," especially since she said her husband earns a modest salary. I mention that not to question her desire, but simply to ask if they've thought about being able to provide for future children on one salary. In our first three years of marriage (while waiting to become pregnant), we used my salary to save for a house and pay for a new car, which we're still driving 11 years later. :o)

Peace,
Nancy

[72. Paxton said the following at 8:17 AM on Aug 4:]

72

Yay! ^_^ I like the idea of a stay-at-home wife and I hope that my wife has that option when I find a wife. =)

I can see how *I* would be lazy, without a job...but the girl I'm courting is so enthusiastically service-minded that she could certainly stay as busy herself as any employer would require.

[73. Emmy said the following at 8:19 AM on Aug 4:]

73

Yes! I am one of "those" women who would love to be a stay-at-home wife. By the way, I enjoyed this question and Candice's response. Being a SAHW is something I have felt strongly about for years.

I am 28, have a master's degree, and live overseas. It is neither "laziness" or "fear of having a 'real' job" that fuels my desire to be a SAHW. Rather, I know myself. I am utterly spent physically and emotionally when I get home from work each night. I have nothing left to give anyone else. I can't imagine being married right now with such a lifestyle. Furthermore, with a full-time job I would not be able to fulfill the most important roles (wife, mom) with a high degree of excellence. Better a few things done well, than many done poorly.

Our work- whatever vocation He has given us- is to be done with a high degree of excellence so as to glorify His name. It is not for us; it is for Him.

[74. Christina (in green) said the following at 8:32 AM on Aug 4:]

74

I was going to just leave this alone but all night last night and all morning today, I've been very rankled by some of the comments here about these two girls' aspirations to being an SAHW.

The first is Adam's comment on #5:
Just because there is one extra person in the house to pick up after doesn't validate the extra 7 hours of TV watching, napping, gossiping and general puttering you're able to pack into a busy schedule.

Ummm...just because it takes YOU one hour to "clean" your house doesn't meant its (a) clean and (b) a girl is going to be that cursory in her cleaning.

From infancy, girls have a higher standard of cleanliness than boys. Every mother I've talked to has said that their little girls went through more diapers than their little boys because they complained more about dirty diapers.

As adults, in egalitarian households women still do more housework (studies show). But as my female boss noted, its not because men DON'T do housework, its just that women see a need to REDO it because it doesn't meet their standards of cleanliness.

Every guy I know may keep things tidy, but there's dust gathering on every surface, the room is vacuumed once a month, and there's a collection of urine, dust, and hair gathering around the toilet. The mirror has specs of toothpaste on it, the faucet has soap scum and dust around it, and the sink has little specs of facial hair scattered around it. And when it comes to laundry? Clothes are clean, but they live out of their laundry baskets.

On top of that, there's also the difference between living in an apt vs a house. My 1 bedroom apartment with only myself in it took me 2 hours to clean, 4 hours if I scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom. In my house, it takes me 1 hour to clean the kitchen. Because I want my appliances to last as long as possible, I am meticulous about cleaning them. Sweeping, mopping, ensuring the dishes from the dishwasher are actually CLEAN, taking care of counters and putting away stuff that my husband and I take out the night before is not a quick and easy process.

It took me 20 minutes to clean the family room yesterday while it took me all day to do all the laundry. It takes me 20 minutes for the small bathrooms and 45 minutes for the master bathroom. It takes 25-30 minutes to dust every surface so that my dad can come and visit without having a allergic reaction to the cat hair. And going through bills and paperwork that accumulates every time you check the mail? And all the coupons to save money? And making a grocery list and menu so you don't waste food that you spend money on?

And cooking dinner... Oh yeah, definitely 1 hour of work and 7 hours of tv. I haven't turned the tv on except for during baby feedings in 2 weeks (feedings are long and pretty boring).

I was going to respond to Melissa in #16 but saw she was referring to another post and read that, finding I agree with her.

But for those of you who think you can do what Melissa is doing as a married woman, guess again. Its all well and good as a single woman, but throw in a husband who you need to be building a relationship with and you discover you can't do it all. I work to get everything done before my husband gets home so that when he IS home, we can relax and enjoy eachother's company - him after his long day at work and me after mine. Thinking you can just stay up late isn't going to happen and the excuse "I'm tired" will only work once in a while without causing tension.

[75. Jenny said the following at 8:39 AM on Aug 4:]

75

Yes, I am one of them! And thank you for the encouragement, Candice. I am looking forward to being a stay-at-home-woman; wife or mother!

[76. Andreas said the following at 9:21 AM on Aug 4:]

76

I'm a stay at home wife and am not glued to the television 7 hours a day with nothing to do. This an honorable and fantastic thing to do. Not only are you support for the husband, but for the community you are in as well. I've found that I'm able to help our church, our family, our neighbors and just generally get things done. Whereas before, after coming home from work I would sit in front of the television and not do anything. This world praises career women and encourages them to get out and get a job. From my reading of the Bible, I see more praise for the stay at home wife, than the woman who goes out and gets a job like a man. This support role is heavily under played in our culture and, in my opinion, is one of the reasons are households aren't doing as well as they should/could be.

[77. J said the following at 9:22 AM on Aug 4:]

77

I think it's great to consider being a SAHW. My husband and I both work full-time, and I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. It strains our relationship.

It's not how we as women are wired.

[78. LizH said the following at 9:41 AM on Aug 4:]

78

I think that being a SAHW probably makes it a lot easier to transition to being a stay at home mom because the couple would not have to adjust to one income. Plus, the woman would already have an at-home routine so she might feel better about staying at home with a baby (which, from what I've seen, can get lonely if you are used to being around a bunch of adults all day). It is unlikely that these women are going to only be stay at home wives for the next 20 years (even if they never have kids, life happens). I think it is a valid choice for a season, especially for newlyweds. The couple would probably have a better chance to work on their marriage, and that would be invaluable!

[79. Texas Craig said the following at 9:44 AM on Aug 4:]

79

Hannah C (#18):

Sin is sin. Whether it is slothfulness or sexual immorality. The human heart is prone to sin. Sure, not all women are prone to laziness, and not all men are prone to sexual immorality.

My point is that people who are genuine in their motivation for not working should have no problem keeping a good accounting of their time so that they can verify they are not actually being sinful and selfish, because that is what the human heart gravitates to without checks. I am suspicious of those who would resist this admonition, in the same way I am suspicious of people who do not want accountability of their money or men who actively resist the idea that they should avoid compromising situations with women who are not their wives.

[80. Bethany D. said the following at 9:55 AM on Aug 4:]

80

When we were engaged the plan was that I would be a SAHM and homeschool the kids once we started a family, but the vague idea was that I would work full-time until then. Then we actually tried doing it; my husband and I got married when we had one semester left of college (class + part-time work for him, full-time work internship for me). Those months of us having two 'careers' were chaotic and exhausting, causing us to rethink our game strategy. As soon as we graduated and he got a decent-paying full-time job, I became happily unemployed. For a while I had a part-time babysitting job for a women's Bible Study, but other than that I've just been a full time homemaker - and I love it! DEH (#9) is right; I might not be earning an extra paycheck, but staying at home gives me the time to streeetch his paycheck farther by cooking from scratch, doing our own taxes, etc.

A special bonus I've found this year is that it is much easier being pregnant when you're 'just' a homemaker. Scheduling prenatal appointments is easy since I don't have to take time off from work. If I'm absolutely exhausted (which was pretty much every day during the first trimester), I can focus on keeping up with the most important household chores and let the rest slide; if I had a job, I would have to put my energy toward doing my paid work first, then collapse at home while my husband did allll the housework. Already being a homemaker means there's no psychological adjustment to getting used to spending all day at home instead of the office, no self-esteem crash from basing my self-worth on my employment status, and no financial adjustment to the loss of a second income. Choosing a career as a stay at home wife/mother might not be common, but I'm loving it!

[81. Iyana Yona said the following at 10:15 AM on Aug 4:]

81

Thank you for this post. Ooh Mrs. Watters, you just RELISH being unpopular, don't you. :-)

brx #15, good answer.

Elisabeth#14, Sara23#13,Miss E, Renee, Melissa#11, DEH...BRING IT ON, OVERTAKE, INFURIATE all the way. AMEN, I'm one of those too!

Yes, I too would love to be a stay and work at home woman. I am aiming to be able to do so within three years, Lord willing.
I'd do it today if life allowed.

For me, even as a single woman, staying home and being about purposeful work and industry are just the way to go. The trick is learning and pursuing marketable skills and endeavours in line with one's interests and passions, which will make home an option. So of course, being a stay at home wife is a given.
Interest number 1, after my Lord Christ...Husband. Such prospects.

I have been conducting some reserach over the last two years, have investigated gaps in at least three markets I may be able to fill, while being home. It is so possible. My 18 year old sister is blessed to have a vision for home industry at her age. She is persuing studies which will enable her to be self employed and work from home.

The greatest reason, I think, why most women despise the idea of staying and working at home is a lack of vision, examples and palpable fear. That's why it is imagined that being a housewife equals laziness and lack of ambtion. Someone's mama messed it up so all who choose as she did, are lazy. Or maybe the soap opera gave them the idea, as in Adam #5.

Most people, especially believers, scoff at the idea of 'home'. Home, after all, is where you sleep, eat and have a pit stop on your way to somewhere more important. If yours was/is a frighteningly dysfunctional family, home is the last place you want to be. I find that whether women want to be at or don't even dream of 'keeping at home', it is because they are driven in whatever direction they go.

Most men today long for a career focused wife. And there are plenty out there. Apparently, she is an equal in this instance. Anything 'less' is foolishness. I will not/can't marry a man who sees no value or purpose or obedience to the Word in his wife embracing being his helper suitable and homemaking as a career. No way.

I too have to keep my mouth shut and not share much of what I desire about home 'and being at home'. Especially among Church women. Being highly educated or intelligent as a woman means that being a housewife should never ever be an option. Ghastly!

Only one woman is supportive, a single mom of 3 daughters who is a most dear friend. She would love to have been an at home woman, wife and mother. It helps to listen to her wisdom and to other people who have lived some and are unafraid of being looked down upon.

So yes, I want to BE at and work AT and FROM home. Even before marriage. It requires a lot of creativity and backbone to be able to implement these plans though.
If ever I am blessed with daughters, I certainly will teach them about embracing HOME.

Louise #1, thank you for your gracious acknowledgement that you've 'been there'. Thankfully, one's personal experience does does not create an irrebuttable standard for everone else. Otherwise, I should swear off Christian men and hate all things family. I've 'been there' too.

Praying to be a housewife,

Iyana.

[82. Anna said the following at 10:26 AM on Aug 4:]

82

I'm a little surprised at the responses to this, especially from some of the guys (a SAHW referred to as something like a bum, etc.). I work full time and am recently married. After almost 11 hours away from home, I find dinner tends to be quickly thrown together (good, but could be much better/cheaper/ healthier), laundry and cleaning waits for the weekends so there's very little time to catch my breath then either and I'm usually tired and sometmes stressed. The freshest most productive hours of my day are spent at work, and though it is worthwhile it is not my highest priority. There are many times I wish that I had more energy to invest in my house, time with my husband, church activities, hospitality, etc. While I wouldn't want to stay home full time before kids, I do sometimes wonder if a part time job and more time to work around the house would be healthier. Those of you who were critical- try to look at it from our perspective. I doubt most of those who might choose to stay home are doing it out of laziness. Its obviously not for everyone. However if you believe your time is better spent that way and your financial position allows it, staying home may not be a bad thing.

[83. Alyssa said the following at 10:52 AM on Aug 4:]

83

I left a comment earlier, but maybe I did something wrong. Sorry if this appears twice.

I have also had the desire to be a SAHW. Arriving home at the same time, both tired, both hungry, to a house that you were too busy to clean up last night; doesn't sound the least bit welcoming or as if your home is a haven to come home to. As a SAHW, I would enjoy volunteering at our church and with other ministries, working to be thrifty with our money, industrious to provide for our home, etc.

I'm currently single, and have learned that most people react negatively to this. Instead of telling all, I now express only my desire to be a SAHM someday.

[84. Louise from Chicago said the following at 12:06 PM on Aug 4:]

84

Comment 25 makes an important point.

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with a man expecting that his educated wife work a full time professional job.

But it is not reasonable to expect the full-time working wife to prepare daily home cooked meals and continually keep the house in a spotless condition.

Something has to give...if the husband refused to take responsbility for meal preparation and cleaning chores, well those can be hired out.

One thing I've learned in my life is that you can't have everything.

Ideally, a husband and wife should work together to decide what is important to them as a couple, and then to decide how best to achieve those goals.

[85. KT said the following at 12:12 PM on Aug 4:]

85

I have never been so eager to respond to a Boundless Line post. I just read all the previous comments with great interest. I count myself as someone who would love to join Kate and Grace as a full-time wife. As a single lady, I have even spent time considering how I might be able to cut back on professional responsibilities so that I might be able to serve in my community more and spend time doing what I am growing to love in my home—cooking, baking, and showing hospitality with my roommates. God has been giving me a heart for the home since my second year of college, but there are few ladies like Kate and Grace who are willing to fly in the face of modern assumptions on how a woman uses her time.

I have seen a couple more examples of ladies whose decisions to display their God-given femininity blessed me. A favorite example was a younger sister of a couple who had just moved to my town. The younger sister spent her entire summer between years at college living with her sister and brother-in-law, turning down the myriad offers of internships, mission trips, and summer school that are available to a college student. She and her sister gladly employed their creativity and energy in making the sister’s new house a home by sewing curtains, landscaping, organizing, painting, and more. When I first met this sister, I confess that I was surprised that she would “waste” a summer in college that way. Now I consider what a blessing that extra help must have been to the sister and I wonder whether I or my sisters will be able to give each other that sort of support some day when we have new houses and children and could use an extra set of hands.

And one final note—I am an engineer as well who went to school on a full scholarship. I have enjoyed my engineering career, but I am much more excited about the prospect of serving in my home. I do think there is some merit to the argument some of the commenters are making about “giving back” in a technical way after the financial blessings Kate has received from her scholarship sources. (and I am reminded again to be grateful for the blessings in my life.) But would we apply those same standards to a woman with a liberal arts degree? I wonder.

[86. Jessica said the following at 12:13 PM on Aug 4:]

86

I love both the article and the blog post, because I'd like to be a stay at home wife, and I'm glad I'm not the only one. That doesn't mean that I'm planning on gossiping on the phone and watching soaps all day... I think volunteering in the community, as well as looking after my home, husband and eventual children, would keep me busy.
I hope Kate and Grace go for it. :)

[87. Tiff said the following at 12:19 PM on Aug 4:]

87

Your questions are mine, #47.

[88. Louise from Chicago said the following at 12:31 PM on Aug 4:]

88

I agree with the other commentors that in this age of modern conveniences it is not difficult in a household of two full-time working adults to work together during your spare time to adequately maintain the home and prepare meals.

Now, I am not cricitizing someone who decides he/she doesn't want to work. If the spouse agrees to it, well that is THEIR BUSINESS.

But please do the world a courtesy and be honest about your motives. If you want to spend time volunteering in your church, etc., fine, like I stated on the first comment, live your life the way you choose.

But please do not claim you need to quit working a full time job just for routine home maintenance/cooking in an adults only household, especially in this modern era of convenience.

[89. Ted Slater said the following at 12:41 PM on Aug 4:]

89

Texas Craig (#79), you wrote the following phrase: "people who are genuine in their motivation for not working...."

Um. "Not working"? Would you consider the Proverbs 31 woman "not working" because she's only working for her family, and not for someone else?

Yeah, I get tired of hearing people equate "stay-at-home-wives/mothers" with someone who is "not working."

[90. BDB said the following at 12:46 PM on Aug 4:]

90

Maria (#27) wrote:

>>If you want to be a homemaker, don't go to university. <<

An aspiring homemaker should definitely avoid student-loan debt, but there is NO reason for a homemaker to avoid university. There are LOTS of ways that a homemaker can use an university education! Here are several examples:

A) Business degrees go a long ways to helping people make solid financial decisions with their own investments, such as real estate, insurance, retirement plans, etc. Lots of families operate their own business. It's very common for the husband to be the sales/operational person and the wife to do the accounting. It takes training to do accounting properly. Doctors tend to need a lot of help running the business side of their practice, too.

B) Engineering degrees tend to expire after 5 years. But the math skills remain handy. I know women with such degrees who end up teaching math and science in their homeschool co-op.

C) Liberal Arts degrees never expire, and they prepare one to think critically and to write. Also excellent for homeschooling in language arts and history.

D) Nursing and allied health are excellent preparation for handling many things that happen to children. Training in these areas also helps moms to not overreact to a health issue and blow $500 on an unnecessary emergency room visit.

E) Bible training never expires. This is excellent preparation for anyone who would consider marrying a minister and/or intends to be actively involved in ministry volunteering. It can be a hugely beneficial way to support a husband in a ministry setting, to.

It has been by observation that educated women are much more likely to be able to function in the world of ideas, and less likely to waste their time on soap operas and gossip. Education is definitely attractive!

[91. Emma said the following at 12:50 PM on Aug 4:]

91

wow, we are really putting these women thru the wringer aren't we!

I am an au pair. I am meant to be providing live in childcare for a family with two working parents and a 13 year old girl. What do I actually do...? EVERYTHING. I go to the library for them, I do the laundry, I return things to stores, I cook, I tidy, I drive the teenager around. I take the dry-cleaning, I feed and walk the dog. I fix things around the house, I run people to & from the train station. I take the car to be serviced, I stay at home if the builder/plumber is coming, I do the grocery shopping, I make phone calls, I pick up after people, I unpack the dishwasher, I load the dishwasher.

In other words, I am the wife of this household.

Not one person, and plenty have tried, can convince me that this is anything less than a part time job. It takes me many hours a day to do a combination of what I have listed above, and even the family I work for has no idea how long it takes me. In fact, they often make comments about how easy my life is, how much spare time I have. Well, excuse me....but the last thing I am doing in my day is sitting around watching tv.

I was incensed by #2's suggestion that if women who want to be housewives want to prove they are not lazy, they need to document what they do. I think that is not only unfair but ridiculous.

As for #5, words fail me.

My life, my job requires such a level of responsibility, sacrifice, and discipline that I dare anybody to try it, really try it, for a few weeks. Yes, other people have the responsibility to live up to what the boss wants, but in my opinions its doing the work that nobody notices or gives credit, when nobody is looking or making you do it, that is true work.

I commend these women, not only for staying true to themselves, but realizing that the toll of working full time as well as trying to fit in the rest of life can just be too much. I pay you my respect.

As for everybody else, just try it, go on. I dare you.

[92. Adam said the following at 12:53 PM on Aug 4:]

92

If a couple wants the woman to be a SAHW, more power to them.

To me, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I work 40 hours per week, do the cooking, cleaning, mow the lawn, all the chores, paying the bills, etc. In addition, I still find the time to be involved in church stuff 3 nights a week. And in reality, I still have quite a bit of free time. I'm not even what I would consider a high-energy person, I'm pretty laid back.

If I had a SAHW, it would be awesome! If she were supportive of me, it might save me 5 hours a week. But hey, that's the equivalent of an afternoon a week. Add another 5 hours because there's 2 people, and we are at a little more than one work day.

Put another way, if I had a week where my responsibilities equaled 10 hours a week, I've got a term for it. A vacation!

I would love to be on a perma-vacation such as is described. Granted it would be frowned upon because of my gender.

But hey, its a free country. If a couple wants to work/vacation something out, more power to them! To argue that solely taking care of the household can somehow fill the hours of the week... I call baloney.

[93. Louise from Chicago said the following at 12:54 PM on Aug 4:]

93

Comment 70, I stand by my comment 1.

I once spent several consecutive months as a stay-at-home wife sans children.

It is my experience that it is NOT the equivalent of a full-time job outside the house.

We'll have to agree to disagree on that one....

But...your job has "no stress or deadlines?"

Wow, what kind of work do you do?

[94. Tara (not the other Tara) said the following at 12:56 PM on Aug 4:]

94

I am disgusted by the all the harsh, negative statements made against house wives here. The meanness and judging attitudes are unChristian and that's all there is to it. No one is making you be a house wife or marry a house wife. Don't judge others who choose to live this way. And it's none of your business what they do behind closed doors as if they have to justify or validate how they spend their time to you or anyone else.

Saying that, I am a wife who works full time and I am HATING every second of it. I loved my job until I got married. Now all I want to do is take care of my house and my husband. We can't afford to right now and we're desperately praying that something will work out so I can at least be a SAHM if the time comes. At least my husband helps alot around the house.

I think the Bible sooner supports the traditional roles of woman at home than the contemporary roles though I do think the Bible leaves ample room for women to work outside the home if they choose. My point is that, Biblically, there is nothing to speak against a house wife. You may not understand the choice, but you can't look down on it from a spiritual perspective.

[95. Ted Slater said the following at 1:01 PM on Aug 4:]

95

Adam (#92) -- it sounds like you're only concerned with how much a SAHW would be able to serve *your* needs, how much time she could save *you*.

What about her personal fulfillment? What about how your family might be more engaged with serving the community?

When I think of a SAHW, I think of how the woman would be free to be involved in a variety of things that may not bring in an income: volunteering, meeting with friends, gardening, etc.

I say again: The Proverbs 31 woman is a SAHW. She does not report to an employer; she does not have a professional career. Do you condemn her as lazy?

[96. Texas Craig said the following at 1:04 PM on Aug 4:]

96

I find many of the comments on here about "taking care of the home" to be interesting. I am going to say something that is probably going to be very unpopular, but I believe it is completely justified biblically. And, if you want to disagree, I would ask that you address the biblical issue and not engage in all sorts of tangential attacks. Anyway, here goes:

How is decorating our home a biblically justified act of service? If anything, it seems designed to gratify our selfish desires for nice things more than any biblical command about honoring God or serving others.

I guess it comes down to this: what is our purpose for living? Is it for a nice comfortable life in a nice comfortable home, with nice little vacations, and nice little fun events at church? Or, are we in the body of Christ called to something more?

Biblical justifications, anyone?

(FWIW, in my house, I iron my own shirts, help with laundry, vacuum, take out the trash, share in cleaning the dishes, pay all the bills, do about half the grocery shopping, cook about 1/4th of the time, do all the yardwork, and pick up after myself, my wife and my kids - in fact, my wife would tell you I am more of a "neat-freak" than she is)

[97. Lauren said the following at 1:04 PM on Aug 4:]

97

I was a SAHW for the first six months of our marriage. I defended my Ph.D. the month before we got married and then we immediately moved to a new city because my husband's job transferred him. I was offered a job in a different city, but understood that my husband and I needed to be together and since he is called to be the primary provider we had to go where his job was secure. Although I was actively looking for a job during those six months I will say that I did enjoy being at home. I was able to cook wonderful meals, keep the house clean and volunteer my time tutoring at our new/local church.

Now that I am working as a researcher full-time I still can do all of those things that I did before, I just have to be more organized. I can still prepare a meal from scratch, but I need to plan so that everything I need will be in my refrigerator when I get home. I can still clean my house effectively, I just need to put it on a schedule and plan it out. And in all honesty I think that those organizational skills will better prepare me to be a SAHM, because those little ones will be like adding on a new full-time job.

Also, just because a wife chooses to work before she has a child does not mean that the family will actively use both incomes. Now that I am working, my husband and I will continue to live off of his income and will put mine straight into the bank. This will allow us to save quite a nice nest egg before we have children and will allow us to put a down payment on a house sooner rather than later. I can say that I am really happy that I can serve our family this way. Think about the Proverbs 31 Woman. She is the perfect example of a woman who did it all, she worked diligently both inside and outside of the home. She just didn't necessarily do it all at the same time. I think this time before we have children enables me to better hone my skills outside of the home, while when I have small children I will be more focused inwardly.

However, I do not agree with those who seem to think that educating a woman who will eventually stay home is a waste of time/money/space. I also went to college and graduate school on scholarship which I think better prepares me to stay at home if I so choose because my husband won't have to deal with my debt. Additionally, what if this woman decides to home-school her children? She will be better equipped to teach them well and give them a love of math and science. All in all having lived both sides of this issue I will say that there is no right and no wrong answer. Every family must decide for themselves what is best. The Bible is clear that a woman's heart should be in the home, but there are plenty of examples of women who God called to make an additional impact outside of the house as well. I feel that I am called to be one of those women, so I chose a profession that would pay me well, give me great flexibility, and would leave me without any debt. You can do it all, just not all at the same time and you have to plan for the life God has called you to.

[98. Louise from Chicago said the following at 1:08 PM on Aug 4:]

98

Comment 81, the phrase "I've been there" in my comment 1 was just to clarify that in this instance I have actually personally experienced the situation.

Usually on my Boundlessline comments re family situations, I try to qualify my opinions by stating that I never had children, so I often do not have much experience in the particular area.

My "I've been there" comment was just to clarify my level of experience here...it was not a personal comment leveled at anyone.

You appear to have taken the phrase quite personally.

I'm sorry you reacted in that fashion.

[99. Louise from Chicago said the following at 1:11 PM on Aug 4:]

99

Comment 89, Mr. Slater do you agree that we have many more modern conveniences now than people did in Biblical times?

[100. Louise from Chicago said the following at 1:14 PM on Aug 4:]

100

Comment 91 your situation is not comparable.

There is a minor child in the household in which you work.

[1. Louise from Chicago said the following at 3:13 PM on Aug 3:]

1

People should have the freedom to live their lives the way they choose, but being a stay at home spouse without minor children, elderly relatives requiring similar care, or a farming operation is NOT the equivalent of full-time work.

It might have been equivalent a hundred years ago before people had all the present modern household conveniences, but not now.

I've been there folks, so this time I know from experience...

Best of luck to the lady though.

[2. Texas Craig said the following at 3:13 PM on Aug 3:]

2

I am not "one of them" (for any number of reasons, one of which is "I am a guy!"). Moreover, I do not wish to be critical. But, I do have a challenge for those women who make this their goal.

If you are not "lazy" but really have a pure motivation, then commit to documenting your time (like a lot of people in the workforce have to do) so you can verify that you really are being a good steward of your time - serving others, volunteering, doing things to support your husband (washing, cooking, etc.).

People that work outside the home have an automatic check on their time - their employer and the work they must accomplish. People that have children also have an automatic check on their time - a baby that needs you constantly to stay alive. But, someone who has neither of these checks would likely be prone to falling into selfish patterns of living, whereby they spend their time on their hobbies and interests, rather than truly serving others and their husbands.

I am not trying to question the veracity of those who have this desire. But, just as we caution men to avoid certain situations with women and to put into place checks in their life to ensure they do not fall into temptation and sin, so I think anyone who wants to pursue this path needs to do the same.

[3. Keith said the following at 3:30 PM on Aug 3:]

3

While being a homemaker is the most honorable profession, I feel it is wrong to go to university and displace another student who wanted to be in that program but didn't get in. For example, I recently read an article about a young lady who finished medical school and went straight back to be being a wife and mother. Good for her, but bad for the 83% of applicants to medical school who never get in (only around 1 in every 6 medical school applicants gets accepted at any medical school).

People need to decide what they want and stick by it. If you want to be a homemaker, don't go to university. Leave that seat (which many want but few get) to someone who actually plans on practing in that profession.

[4. BDB said the following at 3:32 PM on Aug 3:]

4

Am I one of these women? Well, no.

It's interesting to juxtapose this with the "doing hard things" thread.

When asking women in an MBA program what they plan to do, they usually have grand career plans.

Ask the same question to women volunteering in children's ministry, and they freeze...they're in children's ministry because they want to be a mom. They're not prepared to talk about their career plans.

A friend of mine married a woman with an undergraduate degree in Electrical Engineering. By the time they met, she felt called into ministry, and was actually the youth pastor at the Baptist church next to where he was stationed. At this time, they are enroute to Papua New Guinea with Wycliffe.

Though they both completed graduate seminary degrees, they both have undergraduate technical degrees. Developing nations have a huge need for technical and engineering knowledge, just as much as for construction and medical help. She's going there without an official "job" other than "mom." But I'm confident that God will use their undergraduate training in interesting (and unexpected) ways.

[5. adam said the following at 3:38 PM on Aug 3:]

5

Well I wouldn't want to marry an unproductive lump. I don't see how being unemployed and watching TV all day counts as a calling when you're married. When you're single and you do that they call you one thing: a bum. Just because there is one extra person in the house to pick up after doesn't validate the extra 7 hours of TV watching, napping, gossiping and general puttering you're able to pack into a busy schedule.

[6. DannieA said the following at 3:43 PM on Aug 3:]

6

Nope I'm not one of them. I've never met a stay at home wife (without children) that isn't overweight and glued to the soap operas during the day.

Stereotypical and crass? I'm sorry if it seems that way, it has just been my experience with the 3 young women that I've seen take this "role".

I personally find that the women who are most successful in doing this kind of lifestyle are older women who have retired or are empty nesters and volunteer and are actively busy in the community.

[7. Miss E said the following at 3:58 PM on Aug 3:]

7

Kudos for supporting this young lady, Candice!

I, too, would like to be based at home if I married, even before I had children. It * is * possible for a woman to be to be useful and productive without having a full-time job away from home. I think, as you said, Candice, that it would benefit the marriage concerned, and it could also be a real blessing to others, such as busy mothers, sick people, and the elderly. A SAHW would have the time that others may not have to visit and help people like these.

Gentlemen, wouldn't you like to arrive back from work to a clean, attractive, orderly home, with an unstressed wife preparing a homemade dinner for you?? And during the day she's had time to manage the family finances too, and has maybe been able to help you in your job in some way(particularly if you happened to be self-employed...). It sounds good to me :-)

(And, Ted, be happy - this is my second ever comment on The Line, so I'm coming out of the woodwork a little more! :-)

Miss E

[8. S said the following at 4:08 PM on Aug 3:]

8

Heck no!
I understand wanting to stay home when you have kids.
You know, there are days that I don't want to work either, but I do. It's called being responsible.

[9. DEH said the following at 4:20 PM on Aug 3:]

9

I love being a stay-at-home wife. I love the opportunities it gives me to serve the people around me, particularly my husband. And maybe that's what rankles some people: the idea that a woman can find fulfillment by serving her husband. But it's true in my life. I never feel more accomplished than I do on the days when I have done things to bless him, from making his favorite dinner to mending his favorite pair of pants. And he loves having me around. He loves that I'm available when he needs me for something and that I have time to do more domestic things that make life more comfortable for both of us. When I ask him if he would rather I worked outside the home, his emphatic answer is no. While having more money would be nice, it's not worth the trade off.

Also, with all the time I have, I can focus more on saving money. My husband and I were joking the other day that if something happened to me, he would still need the same income to live off of because I wouldn't be there to save money. I effectively "earn my keep," so to speak, by all of the little things I do that save us money, from budgeting to shopping wisely to clipping coupons to making home-cooked meals and mending clothes. Could I do these things with a job? Definitely. But it would not be nearly as easy, and I think that with the extra stress, our relationship would suffer.

And that's the biggest reason why I love my "job": being around to ease the stress on my husband makes both our lives and our relationship with each other much easier and more fulfilling things. When we were both in school, our relationship at times suffered because we were both so stressed that we couldn't carry our own burdens, let alone ease the burden of the other person.

People are always asking me if I'm looking for a job. And I always hem and haw and tell them no. What I really want to say, though, is that I have the best job in the world already. Why give that up?

[10. Renee said the following at 4:23 PM on Aug 3:]

10

I am one of them! :) Thank you SO much for sharing this. I've been married for a little over a year, and just recently began wrestling with the desire to have more time at home for all of those same reasons. I've felt guilty about it due to the general expectation that I continue working full-time until I have kids. I, too, wondered if I was just being selfish and lazy by entertaining these thoughts. Even though my husband and I have lived off of his income since day one and paid off what little debt we had within 6 months of getting married, I feel this pressure to stay where I'm at, as if it would be more "productive" than being a SAHW. Thankfully, that pressure is not so much from my husband, since he's supportive of my switching to part-time, should that door of opportunity present itself. Something I need to keep praying about, for sure.

Your article was such an encouragement, Candice. Thank you!

[11. Melissa said the following at 4:47 PM on Aug 3:]

11

I am wholeheartedly with Kate and Grace. It is my desire to one day be a stay-at-home-wife, and eventually to add the title of "mommy" to that. I can think of many single girlfriends who also long for this.

I *personally* don't find any satisfaction in my job/career, and spend most of my days longing to be at home where I feel I could do so much more with my talents and abilities. I long to be serving a husband, creating a haven of rest for him to come home to after his day. It would be so freeing to have the day to organize my household affairs, visit those who might need some encouragement, open my home for fellowship, work on ministry projects like composing Bible-memory verse songs for kids, etc. Maybe it's just my personality type, or maybe just the fact that I'm a woman...but I feel all of the creative and feminine talents that God has given me are going completely to waste with me having to be employed full-time outside the home.

Even in my single state, I find it exhausting to come home after an 8 hour day at the office, attempt to cook dinner for myself, and then take care of household chores (which I really enjoy when I'm not exhausted from work). I can't imagine having to keep up with those things being married, if I was still working full-time.

Right now, I basically only work because I HAVE to. I will delight in the day when this dream of being at home full-time becomes a reality.

[12. Melody said the following at 4:50 PM on Aug 3:]

12

Hallelujah! Yes!

I've told maybe two people about this desire and immediately vowed never to tell another soul because the reactions were appalling! You'd think I'd just told them I wanted to be homeless in some war-torn country, or some kind of supremely lazy, gold-digging mooch! It's so sad. I thought I must be the only one with these "old-fashioned" ideas now. Glad to know I'm not alone. A stay-at-home wife can be very productive and beneficial to her husband, community, and future family. What happened to guys who want to be the provider, even the sole provider? Is it so crazy that some people would choose that 50s-ish way of life because they actually like it?

[13. Sarah23 said the following at 4:53 PM on Aug 3:]

13

It is my specific prayer to find myself in such a situation! I have to find a husband first though :)

I am not ashamed about that and don't consider myself lazy in the least, I know there are many ways I could serve God, my husband, my church and others, leading a fruitful productive life. I will turn 24 this month and I've been working since I was 15, so I don't consider myself lazy or adverse to working in any way....rather I personally find it to be a higher calling.

One thing I find interesting...I have observed that some of my friends are not in the least ashamed that their house is a complete wreck because their husband, job and personal pursuits come first....I personally would be ashamed to have my home in complete disarray and would sacrifice a new car or fancy vacations so that I would have the time to care for it and my husband properly....

Not to be rude, but all the married couples I know who both work either live in a very chaotic, messy home or are stressed to the max because they are trying to keep their home in proper order and do all the other things they want to do on top of work. There truly are only so many hours in the day. Something will always give....

I praise God that these women are able to stay at home part time and enjoy taking care of their home and serving in other ways as well. It gives me hope personally that I can do the same!

Maybe the dissenters are jealous?

[14. Elisabeth said the following at 4:54 PM on Aug 3:]

14

I greatly admire these two women. I truly believe they have their priorities straight. I know that for some families, this is a very difficult thing to be able to do. However, if the Lord allows me to marry someday, this would be my preference. What an honor to serve one's husband and family in this way. It saddens me that the Body of Christ is not behind women like this.

[15. brx said the following at 4:55 PM on Aug 3:]

15

...not excited by the idea of a full-time career

...confused about whether my motives ... are pure and godly or selfish and lazy.

I guess I can envision...

I'm worried that with a full-time career I would...

While I do not think there is anything inherently wrong with being a SAHW, this college student's wording sounds more like it's betraying her fear of the unknown and that she's feeling some unnecessary anxiety by thinking she needs to have everything perfectly planned out for the next 5~10 years (a common problem with us engineering minds).

She mentions "the idea of a full-time career" making me think she doesn't really _know_ what it would really be like in her field and what kind of boundary options she could have. Too often I think, we tend to build up a very detailed image from very little real information and experience.

If she decided on engineering and maintained scholarship status, one presumes there is something she enjoyed about engineering. So, maybe she ought to seriously pray for good opportunities to try applying it.

She mentions being "worried" about something that has not happened, yet even if it does, it is readily addressable. It sounds like she's viewing the situation as choosing between to mutually exclusive options, but that's not how it really is.

She's got engineering training; so, analyze the situation, ask God to reveal options that haven't been considered, look at it from different angles, get cousel and perspectives from several wise people...

The selfishness question is really going to need to be prayed about and talked about in detail with the fiance'. If she has always been taken care of, never had to work a full-time job for living expenses, and has lots of discretionary time, could that provide fuel for resentments later on when her husband experiences a season where he feels very burdened in being the provider? Where do you want to go as a family and how soon do you want to get there?

My advice: be sure you're not turning down a great work out of fear. Try it, you might like it. You can always reduce or quit the job if/when you determine it would be better for your family.

One of the great things about the SAHW option is that it can be added at any time. Much more difficult however, is going the other direction - getting an enginering job after you've been out of school and a SAHW for a year or more.

If you do go the job route, maximize your family's options by striving to not be dependent on the second income. Then you can add the SAHW to the resume whenever you want.

Grace, peace & adventure in honest problem analysis and solution action

[16. Melissa said the following at 5:07 PM on Aug 3:]

16

I should add to my previous post, by saying that, after my 8 hour day at work, I *do* complete all the things I need to do (laundry, dishes, and ministry projects), but sometimes it means that I sacrifice sleep to do it. Sometimes I will nap for an hour or two after work to get some energy back, then I will do my cleaning until 11 pm. Just this weekend, I was up until 1 a.m. two nights in a row working on music projects for a missionary friend in Mexico. Was I exhausted? Yes. Was it worth it? Bigger YES. So, if I was not bound by my 8-4:30 existence, I could, as Candice said in her reply, exercise all the diverse roles of my womanhood while STILL getting the rest my body needs :)

[17. Louise from Chicago said the following at 5:12 PM on Aug 3:]

17

Comment 7, the former Mr. Louise F. Chicago would have said: "Yup, that's what I want to come home to, a homecooked meal and orderly house, in addition to her bringing home a full-time professional paycheck."

[18. Hannah C. said the following at 5:20 PM on Aug 3:]

18

Keith (#3): The author of the letter said specifically that she went to engineering school with the wish to be a stay at home wife and mother someday, but without any prospects. In her case, she did the smart thing. I've wanted to be a stay at home mom my whole life, but I still went to college and I'm getting my bachelor's degree. If I don't find a guy I don't want to make my parents support me or be stuck in low paying jobs. A bachelor's degree doesn't guarantee anything, but it does give more opportunities. Any woman who doesn't have any prospects should take advantage of those opportunities without guilt if she so chooses, no matter what she really wants to do with her life.

As for the main post.. I don't know if I would want to be a stay at home wife. I would definitely want some sort of a job, but a part-time job would qualify as a job in my eyes. I think it is unfair of men to equate sexual temptation with the possibility that anyone who has less than a full time job could oh so easily fall into abject laziness. To me they seem to be two different things, and I firmly believe not all housewives would act like that, though some may.

I think a married woman with a part time job and no children has many ministry opportunities available to her - at her church, perhaps at a homeless shelter, and of course with her husband and family. As long as she can balance it and not neglect her husband or her house, she's fine.

[19. k. said the following at 5:30 PM on Aug 3:]

19

I have two friends who stay at home without kids. It's not a choice that I understand, relate to, or admire much (honestly), but it works for them. Which is what matters most, after all.

Sarah23: You need to expand your circle of married friends. :)

[20. Julie said the following at 5:38 PM on Aug 3:]

20

I would have advised her differently, for practical reasons. In this day and age, it is dangerous for a woman to not have the means to support herself should she need to. Feminism has caused a lot of problems, but it did get some things right. Now this woman does have an engineering degree, so that's something, but I wonder how marketable she would be should she need to get an engineering job a few years from now with no experience? Husbands can leave, die, or lose their jobs. Yes, there are other safety nets, but it is a benefit for the woman, her husband, and her future children for her to have the knowledge that in the event she needs to support the family financially, she could. If the woman who wrote you has thought through this, then it could be the right choice. I'd push her though, to at least consider part-time work if that's possible in her field.

[21. Leah said the following at 5:40 PM on Aug 3:]

21

I finished my degree at the end of 2007, got married mid-2008. I'm not currently working but have worked since getting married (it was a contract which got extended, but the department got low on funds and wasn't able to extend my contract further). I do not want a full-time job. I want a part-time one - when I was working, I was working 3.5 days a week. This worked really well. I was earning a reasonable amount (considering I was only working 3.5 days a week), and it meant I could do housework, youth group preparation, etc on my off-days. This meant I could spend time with my husband when he was home rather than doing all the housework etc then. I also now teach Religious Education at two local schools, and when I get another job, part-time will enable me to continue doing that also.

Sarah23 (13) - I think it's rude to slyly accuse dissenters of being jealous.

[22. rachel said the following at 5:46 PM on Aug 3:]

22

I've been checking all day to see if you would post a blog on the Boundless Answers article. I admire this young woman's willingness to go against the grain. My sisters and I have many conversations on how our lack of a desire to have a "career" outside the home is more due to our desire to be a homemaker and wife and eventually mother. Though the Lord has not called us into marriage yet, we are preparing to be helpmates and wives. I admire her for taking a stand against those who would call her lazy. What a great opportunity to serve her husband and spend time volunteering, serving her church, mentoring younger women, and keeping her home. Thanks for encouraging her Candace and encouraging me in the process.

[23. Emily in Mississippi said the following at 5:48 PM on Aug 3:]

23

It's been a long time since I've been so excited just by the title of an article! Let me offer my congragulations:
First, to this young lady's fiance: You are so blessed to win a bride with a heart for the home. 'The LORD make the woman who is coming to your house like Rachel and Leah, the two who built the house of Israel.' (Ruth 4:11)
To Candice and the Boundless editors who were brave enough to tackle this question publicly.
And to the young lady herself: Congragulations on your upcoming marriage, and on having the courage to challenge 'the way things are done' in what my dad calls 'our post-Christian America'. 'May you become the mother of thousands of ten thousands; and may your descendants possess the gates of those who hate them' (Genesis 24:60). You go, girl! If the encouragement and support of a total stranger can mean anything to you, you have mine (as do the other young ladies who have mentioned their desire to be SAHWs).
Y'all have probably figured out that I am 'one of them'. I definitely hope and *plan* to stay at home from day one (and as a SAHD [stay-at-home-daughter] I am preparing for such a role).
This column made my day! Many thanks to Candice and the letter-writer!
~Emily

[24. Rachel said the following at 5:49 PM on Aug 3:]

24

Some people have suggested that if a woman doesn't intend to use her degree in the professional field, then she shouldn't take up a university place. But it's worth remembering that they can use knowledge and skills acquired in university to bless their family and community. And if a she becomes a mother, and a teacher to her children, surely the more knowledge she acquires the better?

[25. Elizabeth said the following at 5:56 PM on Aug 3:]

25

Thanks so much for this post. I am 37 years old, work full-time and am married (single for many years before this). My husband and I are trying for children, but that has not yet happened for us. We are in debt, and I am exhausted. Lately I've pondered this crazy notion of working only part time! :) I can testify, verify, stand up and be a witness to the fact that a full-time working wife is a very hard job. I do pity single moms and working moms for sure, but that doesn't negate the fact that a working wife still bears a bigger burden than a man for the care of the home. My husband is amazing, strong, magnanimous and smart. I love him dearly. But he is exhausted when he comes home from his hard labor job, and he is not inclined to start cleaning house at that point. He is also a good cook, much better than I, but doesn't always want to make the meals. He does help, but he can also stand a mess much better than I can. I, like most women, feel the burden to create a peaceful nest of a home. And though a "strong independent woman" who lived for many years without a man, I adore taking care of my husband. Therefore, I do most of the cleaning, about half the cooking, all the shopping, all the finances, and buy all the birthday presents and cards for all family members, including his. I pick up his dirty socks he flings on the floor, and I do all the laundry. We both flop in bed exhausted at night and wonder where all the time has gone.

I challenge you, gentlemen, if you expect women to "not be lazy" and work full-time, you must be willing to do exactly half the work. And not to be rude, but you probably won't, because you won't necessarily have the deep desire, like a woman, to cultivate a calm, peaceful home- at least not in the way that a woman does.

As for my husband, he would support me in whatever I did, be it quitting my job to build a "green" igloo in Alaska or what. I have already put in for part time status at my job, and feel much confirmation from reading these posts.

Our country is heading in the direction where many people will need to choose a simpler lifestyle. I believe a big part of this is allowing women the time and energy to care and nurture for others in a multitude of ways...

[26. sarah said the following at 6:03 PM on Aug 3:]

26

I'm a wife who works full time and it is exhausting and takes a toll on our household. I have several friends who work part time and would love to follow in their footsteps as they do have time to bless their husbands with things I can't right now (he can't come home to a nice cooked dinner when he gets home before I do!). I'm also not able to attend Bible studies or many ministry opportunities that are during the work day (I attend a church that highly values stay-at-home moms...there are just some of us who don't stay at home!).

It's not financially possible at the moment, but as soon as it is, we'll certainly be looking for ways for me to work part-time. I have recently moved from a job that required quite a bit of travel (definitely doesn't help in keeping a home!) to one that doesn't travel. Baby steps.

[27. Maria said the following at 6:08 PM on Aug 3:]

27

I like what Keith writes (#3)

People need to decide what they want and stick by it. If you want to be a homemaker, don't go to university. Leave that seat (which many want but few get) to someone who actually plans on practing in that profession.

I agree. Both men and women need to be intentional about their future life goals when furthering their education. I am not insinuating post secondary education to be a waste for the individual who later decides to pursue avenues which are not related to his/her prior professional/educational pursuits, but to do so with no intention of future employment in that field shows ill constructed logic and poor planning.

I would also add that this mentality (earn the degree, get the job and refuse it) robs other potential candidates from acquiring the said position that was once given to the individual who was disciplined enough to earn the degree, but later changed his/her couse of action.

[28. Kate said the following at 6:21 PM on Aug 3:]

28

I think it's up to mothers to decide if they want to have a career or not. But, I just recently graduated from college and I can not imagine never seeking a job in my area of study. I graduated with an education degree like the Kate in the article. That's one job that would allow you to be more flexible and I feel is more of a calling than a career. Why would you not save up more money with your husband? I think this is financial unrealistic for most couples and boundless shouldn't raise these women up and put down women who work. After all, we are in the 21st century.

[29. Heather said the following at 6:29 PM on Aug 3:]

29

I know this is a bit off topic, but I had a really strong reaction to a couple of the comments.

So, to those who think women who desire marriage and motherhood shouldn't pursue an education:

1. What if she's not blessed with those roles when she would choose, if ever?

2. What if she's widowed with several small mouths to feed? Life can change drastically in a matter of seconds.

A degree certainly doesn't counter God's sovereignty, but why waste His good gift of a scholarship?!

I don't know of anyone who regrets earning a degree (and the subsequent opportunities it affords). As a single engineer who would drop my four-year career in a heartbeat if blessed with a family, I know I don't!

[30. Rachael said the following at 6:37 PM on Aug 3:]

30

I'm not at all career-hearted. Well, I shouldn't say 'at all' because I may partially be.

I ended up as a stay-at-home-wife for several months after I married early this year.

This quarter I'm teaching (part-time, but there's lots of time spent on grading, prep, and commuting as well) and I don't know about next quarter. I don't know if there will be a need for me or what my life situation will be like by then.

My sister is a stay-at-home wife now. She just finished her last year of teaching. She desires a family. They were laying off teachers anyway, and I think she volunteered to leave. One thing she likes to do is write, so maybe she'll spend a lot of time concentrating on that.

I think for me, it might be better if either I volunteered somewhat substantially or worked. I can waste my time easily, though. At the same time, I really don't want to just 'work anywhere' just to have a job, if I'm not at all interested in the job. Will that happen someday? Who knows.

I don't have enough discipline to do a bunch of home stuff alone, though there is a lot of home stuff that could be done that would suck up a ton of time.

[31. Alexis said the following at 6:40 PM on Aug 3:]

31

Yes, I would love to be a stay-at-home-wife and eventually a Mom. Currently I am in an agreeable position that allows me to work 4 days a week and have a 3 day weekend every weekend. That open Friday every week gives me a day to run errands, clean the house, do laundry and bake/plan meals for the week. I know that if I didn't have that day and had to work 5 or even 6 days a week my life would be more stressful and my relationship with my husband would be strained. Because I have this day I am more relaxed during the week and on Sat and Sun because I know I can get things done on Fridays. My Husband has expressed a wish that he would love for me to be able to quit my job and just focus on being a wife, and for that person who commented about being over weight and watching TV all day. We don't own a TV but we do own an elipitical trainer! Maybe, The Good Lord will see fit to bless us with a change in job situation for my husband that would allow me to stay home, until then I am grateful for my 3 day weekends!

[32. Christina (in green) said the following at 6:58 PM on Aug 3:]

32

First of all,

Happy birthday, Sarah23 ;)

Second of all,

That was me. Unfortunately, I ended up with debt so I had to keep working. Now I have a baby and there was no part time work where I was so we're working to figure some things out financially because I quit my job.

If you can do it without putting a financial stress on your husband with college debt, than I say go for it. Single in a 1 bedroom apt was good with a full time job. But a 4 bedroom, 3 bath house with 2 living rooms and a kitchen is not exactly the quickest thing to keep clean. I've been here for 4 months and have cleaned the upstairs bathrooms twice since moving in. In my defense, I've got a newborn to tend to, but it is by no means quick and easy to take care of a single-family home with more than one person living there.

[33. Bethany said the following at 7:02 PM on Aug 3:]

33

In one word, YES!!!!!!! (And after reading faithfully for a year, this is the 1st comment I've left so that's how strongly I feel about it.)

[34. denise said the following at 7:10 PM on Aug 3:]

34

speaking just for myself here... yes!~ i would love to be a stay at home wife and have specifically made decisions if the opportunity arose (ie meeting that man would be a good start!~). I've finished my graduate program and have worked as a professional for several years ... although i have the sometimes joy of seeing my work positively impact people i really long for marriage and would love to bless my husband by keeping home and becoming a better cook before children arrive. I also have certain programs/charities i would be interested in supporting... and for goodness sake, i didn't break my back for nothing, so yes, i would find a job that would enable me to work a few hours a week (i'm talking <20) Currently i am entering escrow and having been frugal with finances will have a reasonable mortgage in the event that my future husband doesn't make crazy money which also enables me to stay at home with children.

[35. Brian said the following at 7:23 PM on Aug 3:]

35

I agree with #3. Keith. The one thing that really stuck out at me about the original question was the admission of an engineering degree on full scholarship. Depending on the educational path the woman originally took, I think being a stay at home wife can be fine. However, in light of the challenges today of getting children interested in science and engineering, I think that person has a responsibility to give back to society in a meaningful (read:technically productive) way- especially being educated at the expense of/in place of another.

[36. Lora said the following at 7:24 PM on Aug 3:]

36

I would love to one day be a stay at home wife. I do know that I get bored easily, so I would probably need a part-time job or do regular volunteering. Right now I work 30 hours per week and love all the time I have for my horses and to keep up on things as well as help my mother around the house.

[37. skp said the following at 8:11 PM on Aug 3:]

37

"Wouldn't it be nice to arrive home from work to a clean attractive orderly home".......
Running a home is a joint venture- at least in my house. Men have their version of "housework" too. What would you say if my husband used the "Wouldn't you like to came home to a perfectly manicured yard, a painted porch , a properly maintained vehicle and a non stressed out husband" rationalle for him staying at home full time.
Personally, I don't know what you would do all day. I would be bored stiff. I'd have to work at least part time. That's funny I do!!

[38. Lynne said the following at 8:16 PM on Aug 3:]

38

Kate and Grace can make wonderful use of the time outside of the workplace and before children. There are a lot of relational areas (that don't translate well to time clocks) that are quite valuable. And before anyone talks about wasting time in front of soap operas, it might be good to pause and reflect on how much time we workers spend on blogs/web/twitter during the workday.

That being said, I think a little experience now, even part-time as opposed to full-time work, increases the opportunities available in the future.

[39. Molly said the following at 8:31 PM on Aug 3:]

39

I was delighted to read this article, and I was even more delighted to read Candice's response. Finally! Someone who is a believer that actually praises a woman staying at home. Things were looking up, until, I read some of these comments. I'll go ahead and admit that I was saddened by the responses of a few them. Personally, I applaud this young woman for staying home and making her home her "center of ministry".

For those of you accusing this young woman of being lazy or unproductive, that is a very unfair statement to make. Do you have evidence that she is sitting around all day? Do you know for certain that she is sleeping in until 12:00? Do you know that she does nothing but watch TV all day? From her letter, I received a much more clear picture of how she plans to spend her time. She mentioned several activities that require a lot of time and strength to perform, as well as various ministry opportunities in her community. That doesn't sound unproductive or lazy to me.

Thank you , Candice for taking the un-popular route and encouraging this woman to stay at home. Your response has encouraged me all the more in my future endeavors as a wife/mom.

[40. Kellie said the following at 9:03 PM on Aug 3:]

40

If a woman really wanted to do that and had the financial means to, I don't see anything wrong with it (I don't think it's the more Godly or better option, just different).

While my house is not the most clean (or the most dirty), my husband and together do manage to keep up a house, enjoy each other's company, and raise a child both while working (I work part-time). Easy? No. Stressful? Sometimes. But I do enjoy my life and my family and there isn't much I would change.

[41. Craig M. said the following at 9:31 PM on Aug 3:]

41

Made a lot more sense when laundry had to be hand-washed-and-dried, meals were prepared from scratch and birth-control (and thus long-term childlessness) didn't exist.

[42. Sarah23 said the following at 9:41 PM on Aug 3:]

42

Adam #5:

Perhaps you feel a SAHW would be a unproductive lump because that's how you would be if you were in the same situation? People often are unable to comprehend someone acting differently in a situation than they would/did/do....by the way, you all seem to have totally skipped over the fact that she plans to work part time.

I could also flip the coin and remind you that not all people working full time jobs are prodcutive and responsible with their time. I've worked with PLENTY of "unproductive lumps" and that's putting it nicely! Not to mention I know many people who believe putting in their 40 hrs is all that's required of them - their personal life is a wreck. So why not be a little more graceful with your opinions.

DannieA #6: Your sweeping statement that you've "never met anyone" who met up to your standards for a SAHW is a little less impressive when you go on to state that you've only known 3. Sure, there are plenty of lazy SAHW's & SAHM's....but there are plenty who are not lazy. Let's not make sweeping generalizations and drag down what can be wonderful duty in life because there are a few bad eggs.

I truly find it interesting that it bothers people so much...the older I get the more I realize, if the world finds it repulsive/idiotic I may have just stumbled upon something great...

[43. Boaz said the following at 9:47 PM on Aug 3:]

43

I am noticing not one male yet has been supportive of this idea. As a single Christian guy, if my future wife wanted to stay at home from day 1 of marriage on, I would back it 100%. I don't care if she has completed 10 years of higher education and has $300,000 in school loans. The idea that education is ever "wasted" on an individual who doesn't ultimately use it for gainful employment is ludicrous to me. Of course, maybe my perspective is jaded by the number of young female physicians I know that are miserable working 80 hours a week away from their husbands (and in some cases children). And by the way, lazy people are going to be lazy no matter whether at work or at home...which is like the anti-Proverbs 31 wife...and I don't know any guys looking for that girl (and furthermore the lazy guy:lazy girl ratio in our society and churches in my experience is about 10:1 to begin with). Sometimes young men need some added incentive to be providers... learning to live on one salary early in marriage seems exceedingly wise to me.

[44. Marie said the following at 10:32 PM on Aug 3:]

44

I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home-wife with a part-time job. I enjoy cooking from scratch, gardening, and housekeeping-type chores. But I know that if I didn't have kids, home-keeping would not take up as much time as a full time job. So I'd work part-time; partly to keep busy, and partly because the pre-kids time is a great time to make some extra money to stash away for retirement, childrearing expenses, & college funds. Especially since it will have that much more time to gain interest before it's needed, as opposed to taking a part-time job when the kids are in highschool.

Working only part time would also leave room for volunteering on a regular basis. Lots of people volunteer here and there for one-time things, but there are certain jobs where just one person willing to commit to something longer-term on a regular basis can make a HUGE difference.

The woman who wrote in is very blessed that her husband's income alone is enough to support both of them.

[45. Marie said the following at 10:55 PM on Aug 3:]

45

I'm very glad to see this topic being discussed. I'm a 23-year-old, single woman, and I would love nothing more than to be a SAHW. I've wanted to be a SAHM since I was a kid, but even wanting that has gotten me a fair amount of ridicule through the years. I'm struggling to finish college because I can't afford it, and I'm struggling to find a job. Being unemployed right now has given me the opportunity to really think about what kind of job I want. Honestly, I have never felt drawn to any kind of traditional career. It's not that I'm lazy: except for this period of unemployment which I'm doing everything I can to bring to an end, I have had a steady job since I was 11 years old. In Candice's main article she mentioned something about women shouldering both curses. I liked that, because I feel like I'm expected to go into a man's world and behave like a man, even though every instinct and feeling inside me is drawn in a different way.

It's incredibly discouraging for me to feel like I am wrong for wanting to be fulfilling the role for which I believe I was created. I feel with every fiber of my being that I am supposed to be a care-giver, supporter, and nurturer. I would love to do that with kids, but I would also welcome time at home before kids to learn how to efficiently run the home. And yes, I've tried working in fields where I can use the skills I would need in the home. I have had jobs where I nanny and care for people in a group home. I have found that when I am giving to people in this way, it drains me because it is simply not the same as caring for your own family.

I applaud the women who educate themselves to make the most of the mind God has given them, and to prepare to care for themselves as needed. I am trying to do the same, but I long for the day when I can finally step into the role I've always dreamt of: wife and mother. Not just mother; the wife part has always come first in my mind, and I can't wait to start putting it into practice.

[46. Kelly said the following at 10:58 PM on Aug 3:]

46

I would caution her against this. I have seen single young wives, not working full time, fall into the trap of laziness.

More than that, if you are only working part-time and "managing a household" part time, how will you ever cope when the children arrive? Children are a full-time job on TOP of managing a house-hold.

I don't buy into excuses that say they want to manage a home; that's something that can easily be done in addition to a 40-hour working week. I'm single; regularly work 50-60 hour weeks, and my house is immaculate. When my work schedule drops back to 40 hours, I'll have time for service/socialising again.

--

Also, to the letter-writer. You got a free ride through college. WHAT A WASTE if you're not going to use it. And you've actually stolen that scholarship money from some person who probably needed it just as much and would have *done something for the world* with that degree.

If you wanted to study "for personal interest" then you should have paid for it yourself.

[47. Ultraviolet said the following at 11:04 PM on Aug 3:]

47

I wonder what all the supporters would say if there was a man wanting to stay at home, to tend to cleaning and cooking, to make a nice, relaxing environment for their wife to come home to from work?

In principle, does it make a difference? Or is this advocated because it is women fulfilling this role?

[48. GoingUp2JC said the following at 11:16 PM on Aug 3:]

48

I was a teacher for several years, got married, and taught for one more year before getting laid off due to budget cuts. And PRAISE GOD for getting laid off. I found that with both my husband and I working full time jobs, we had TOO MUCH STRESS and I wondered, what is the POINT of having both of us work? Our debts are paid off. Sure, we can save money for the future. But at what cost to our marriage? Doesn't the Bible warn against chasing after money? #8 S, is it being responsible to neglect one's husband because of a job? To have both of us come home from work, both of us too tired to make dinner or do laundry or go grocery shopping or clean the house or pay the bills etc. Now I can take care of these things while he is at work so that we can spend our evenings and weekends together. That is why I turned down a job offer even after being presented with one. My relationship with my husband is FAR MORE PRECIOUS than earning money for the sake of having money. And getting fat and lazy watching soap operas...well, we don't even have a TV, so no prob, Bob!

[49. Monica in New Mexico said the following at 11:33 PM on Aug 3:]

49

I graduated in May '09 with a double major in Elementary Ed and Music Ed. I was also married in May of '09. I am working part-time and taking care of my home--Grace and Kate I am with you. I want to be able to make dinner for my husband and clean the house, and take care of grocery shopping and other errands--not to say that I don't enjoy when he helps, and he does, but I guess I just want to be the keeper of my home. I love it when he enjoys a meal I have prepared, or brags on the homemade cookies I baked, or when he whistles when he walks in the door 'cause the house is sparkling clean, and I know for myself that cooking, baking and house-cleaning are difficult when I am working full-time. I would also have to say that taking care of a house and working part-time is by no means lazy or selfish--I reason that it is being considerate of my husband's wants and needs. My husband takes pride in being the sole bread-winner and meeting my and his needs without me having to work full-time. I am also blessed to have both our parents and my friends very supportive of our choice.

[50. Jenny said the following at 12:00 AM on Aug 4:]

50

I would encourage people not to knock going to college before becoming a full-time wife.

For one thing, most people don't graduate high school knowing who they're going to marry, and college offers a good opportunity to meet a broader range of Christian singles. Plus, if you don't have any prospects, the logical thing to do is acquire training for a profession.

For another thing, there's a pretty good possibility the knowledge you gain in college will help you to be a better wife and mother. And the diligence you have to develop to manage working on multiple projects at once in school comes in very handy in the home, too. Another bonus is, when your own children are ready for college, you'll be able to give them first-hand advice.

My mother graduated from college and married a few months later, choosing to be a stay-at-home-wife. (Granted, that didn't last very long, as I was on the way in a few months.) But she is one of those people who hasn't had an idle day in her life. She helped young mothers in the church, worked on setting up her home, made preparations for my arrival, and generally looked well into the ways of her household. I respect and admire her immensely, and I applaud anyone else who aims to follow in that path.

People said my mother was throwing away her degree and her intelligence, but she just chose to use it in loving her family instead of a paying career. She used her Consumer Affairs major to amazingly feed and clothe (and then some!) a family of 13 on one income. She used her knowledge to homeschool 11 children, all of us scoring above average marks on national standardized tests (which she was able to administer, incidently, because of her degree.) She runs our home as efficiently and attentively as any CEO would run a company, and she absolutely loves it.

My mom was a stay-at-home-wife--and now, mother--and she is awesome!

[51. Lissanan said the following at 12:05 AM on Aug 4:]

51

You can count me in among the supporters!

I constantly struggled working my 8-5 job. I longed to be more involved with my community. I feel like everything that I really want to do with my life is unfortunately unpaid...

Don't get me wrong, I am not lazy. I have to be doing something productive all the time, and no, that doesn't include watching TV (since I don't even have one).

I recently resigned from my 8-5 office job, because it wasn't my passion and few other reasons. I am a single college graduate and thankfully debt free. By the grace of God my cost of living is extremely low because of great circumstances. So, I am able to live off very little. Even though I am not married and I don't have the responsibility of taking care of a husband yet, I think that working a part time job to support myself and save for my future family while giving hours into Kingdom work each week sounds wonderful. I admire the women in the church who are able to run Christmas programs, serve constantly and reach out to fellow believers and unbelievers. There is so much to be done in our communites and I want to devote my time there.

Where in scripture does it say you have to work at a job outside your home for 40-50 hours a week? The word just says that those who don't work, don't eat. I absolutley agree that we need to be responsible... but if we are giving our time and energy to the Kingdom, then I see that as incredibly responsible. What about the scripture: "Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you..."

I have been so frustrated lately because I look at my options for jobs and I am so unsatisfied. I know I wasn't put on this earth to make money, eat and die. I have been trying to find some avenue of meaning, but every time I find a job that I think I would absolutely love I find out its unpaid. So, I really just want to work a part time job and serve on the side.

As it is I am extremely involved at my local church. I serve the homeless once a week, host/lead a life group for our young adults once a week, lead a prayer group once a week and serve at our service. I LOVE pouring into younger lives and reaching out. I love having the time to prepare meals for my friends when they have children or they're moving. I also love having the opportunity to volunteer at our local shelter for children taken into custody by the state. Unfortunately, when I work full time, I don't have time for all of this.

[52. Jenny said the following at 12:06 AM on Aug 4:]

52

Another thought, I am reminded of the Paul Overstreet song:

She wants to be a homemaker
It's her dream to raise the family
And give her love to just one man
And I thank God it's me
I'll never underestimate her
cause she could take this word and turn it on
But she takes her love
And makes our house a home

[53. Natalia said the following at 2:16 AM on Aug 4:]

53

Is being a stay-at-home-wife a job, a calling, or a privilege?

In much of the developing world, wives may indeed stay at home but they do so with the survival of their family in mind.
Food, much of it produced in the family garden, needs to be cooked for hours on a charcoal stove.
The water used to cook, water, wash, bathe and drink is brought in using jerrycans. The nearest well or borehole may be anywhere between 2-10 kilometres down the road... and water often needs to be fetched four times a day.

You can not tell me that the majority of women in North America face these challenges! Sure it takes time to maintain a household but staying at home all day to accomplish a general cleanliness about the home seems ridiculous.

With running water, washers/dryers, ovens, dishwashers, cars and means of transportation, it should not take 40+ hours a week to keep a house clean. Unless of course the house one lives in is much to large for two married people. In which case, the simpler way to a simpler life would be simply downsizing!

As for volunteering, it is very possible to serve the needs of ones community and still hold a part time/ full time job. And imagine! With all the extra money from the job, one could even donate money to the organization/cause which one volunteers with.

PS. Having husbands who know how to cook tasty meals, wash a load of laundry and scrub the toilets is not a bad thing! And maybe, just maybe, having a wife who works a job is not a bad thing either?!

[54. Michelle (in the UK) said the following at 2:20 AM on Aug 4:]

54

Yes I would definitely be one of them.

When I was 18 you would have had me running the other way. I am now 26 years old and I would definitely want to be a SAHW or SAHM. Now, I probably would create my own business--but I don't think that takes away from the women that are mentioned in this article.

Personally, I would combine what they are doing with my own business which I would need flexibility to do.

I believe it is honourable to stay at home and take care of the family, the house, volunteer commitments. I also feel that if you want to go out and work that is also fine. It is your choice.

However you live your life, make your marriage do it to honour God, and the covenant you made with your husband and God. I mean, it's between you and your husband how you choose to live out your lives.

For those who say that a women who chooses to stay home after completing a degree I say this. Whether it's medical school, business school or engineering everyone should have the right to an education. Just like you should have the right to choose to stay home or go to work, or choose to have kids early or later, it's a choice. Equal rights were put there for a reason--we should have the right to choose this. A woman who has a medical degree can care for her children better, for those in her neighbourhood or church, a woman with an engineering degree can help on home renovation projects better, a woman with a business degree may be able to support those in her church who need to learn to manage finance.

I'll conclude with this. I am 26 and work full time. My boss wants me to be the Managing Director of our company and fully supports me having children and getting married in this process. Will I take that role on once I am ready? I don't know. I only know this, that is a decision I will make with my future husband (should I get married, and I want to) because that decision will affect our family--no one elses.

[55. H.A.P. said the following at 2:34 AM on Aug 4:]

55

Time management can be a big issue, but I was self-employed before our marriage so I was used to working without constant over-sight. We don't even own a TV so there goes watching soap operas all day!

When my husband and I married, We wanted a baby right away so it seemed foolish for me to look for work in this country. I enjoyed house keeping and husband 'keeping' very much. :) I think it was beneficial to have 'practice' staying at home before the baby arrived. I also was able to get involved in loads of ministry and volunteer work. Most of which I still do now that I have been a SAHM for two years.

It is very hard to practice living on one income when making two. If you are in a position to stay at home immediately after marriage, I recommend you do it! and graduate to a SAHM as soon as the Lord allows.

[56. Faith said the following at 6:00 AM on Aug 4:]

56

I have my bachelors and masters in mechanical engineering and I would rather stay home and tend to my house and husband. Working doesn't appeal to me at all. I don't think that my schooling was a waste either because I graduated debt free and learned so much.

[57. Faith said the following at 6:04 AM on Aug 4:]

57

After reading the other comments I had something else to throw in. My Dad always said it was better to get a degree now when you are young instead of being ten or fifteen years down the road and your husband dies and you have no way to support yourself and your family. That is one of the reasons I worked to get a degree even though in the end I wanted to stay home with my family. Right now I am working in engineering part-time to help save money for our family.

[58. Megan said the following at 6:19 AM on Aug 4:]

58

I was actually a housewife for nearly 2 years before our daughter was born just 2 months ago. During that time I was able to be supportive and helpful to my husband. When my husband decided he needed a new job, I was able to be there during the day working on his resume, looking for job leads and sending things off for him. Then I was the one who did the packing and preparing to move and could handle all the details so my husband could just focus on work. After we moved, I was able to work on renovating our house during the day, so when my husband got off work he could focus on all the things that I didn't know how to do.

I was also able to start making my own bread and preparing healthier meals. My husband says over and over again how nice it is for him to come home and have a nice meal on the table, his clothes clean, the bills paid, etc. I didn't just sit around watching tv and getting fat. I tried my best to prepare our home and ourselves for future children. I knew that I wouldn't have as much time to learn new skills once children came (and I was right!), so I tried my best to learn those things during that time as a housewife (knitting, sewing, baking, budgeting, cleaning, etc.).

I'm very grateful for that time that my husband and I had while I was at home. It has made it much easier to get things done now with a baby.

I'm very surprised that people have made such harsh comments about women who choose to stay home before having kids. If the husband and wife find value in her staying home, then why not? I don't think this is an area where we can claim one is right and one is wrong. It worked for our family, but we certainly don't think our way is the only way. Why should couples who both work outside the home think their way is the only way?

[59. LouiseinPA said the following at 6:19 AM on Aug 4:]

59

No, I am not one of them. I do not wish to be a SAHW. It seems like these two women want to serve others-which is great-but is the wife the only one who is supposed to serve during a marriage? It seems that these women have some assumption that it is their job to do every little household task. Why can't the husbands help sometimes if they are stressed out? Husbands are always called to serve their wives-Christ was a servant leader. I don't see a need for one spouse to stay at home to "serve" the other because both should say down their lives for each other out of love.

[60. Laura Dobson said the following at 6:49 AM on Aug 4:]

60

i think much of this depends on your personal motivation organizational skills and the needs of the family. for instance: i originally went home to be a SAHW right after we were married and we were not blessed with children right away (still waiting and hoping). i had major issues with depression regarding my fertility situation and would do housework, yes but not as well as i should have beacause i was still not good at managing my time when it was completely my own. totally a personal weakness . . . and i just had too much time on my hands to mope. i am trained musician and had vague plans of teaching violin out of my home but things were really slow to get started. i fell into a horrible trap. i nagged my darling, gentle husband to within an inch of his life and was constantly in need of comfort and reassurance of his love etc. . . this got old REALLY fast. when finally one day it dawned on me. . . . i need a job! doing what i do best! teaching my music! i found a great starter job at a music school where my teaching schedule filled up quickly. i soon became very busy and something amazing happened. i got more emotionally balanced my husband and my relationship improved dramatically and i started to learn things about myself that i will never forget and that will impact me for the rest of my life. of course it wasn't because of the job. . but i think God was working through the job ad put it in my path to pursue etc.
you see, my husband didn't need me to keep house for him 24/7. he's actually pretty good at some housework himself and actually enjoys pitching in. but what has been most helpful is my contribution to the family's finanaces. it has enabled us to renovate our home and pay down our mortgage significantly and prepare for the family we know God has waiting for us.
i now after a year of working full time am beginning to be at home more (finally teaching out of my house) and look forward to the day when i am home full time with babies to look after but until then i am happy to pitch in where needed whether that means working outside the home or in the the home. i try to be versatile. . like the Proverbs 31 woman if i'm not mistaken.

[61. P&P said the following at 7:01 AM on Aug 4:]

61

What disturbed me is that original letter writer used the words "simple lifestyle." When you're 22, your lifestyle is pretty simple, but at 32? Not so much.

Even if she only works for two or three years, she will have the opportunity to build up a significant emergency fund and even some money for a down payment on a larger house, if they have children.

The reality is that people do get divorced, become seriously ill, get laid off and experience other major personal and financial setbacks. By having a few years of work experience under her belt and a few extra dollars in their joint bank account she'll have a bit of insurance against the troubles that inevitably fall to all of us.

[62. Kristyn said the following at 7:01 AM on Aug 4:]

62

Thank you Candace and contributors for this posting. I was very blessed by reading this perspective. I am a college educated professional gal who just turned 30 and am in the discernment process with a gentleman about the prospect of marriage. I have only recently been considering the option of beinga stay at home mother someday, and the possibility fo being a stay at home wife sans children, even for just a year, seems like a truen time of investment for my future spouse and I. This is not something I would have ever considered in the past, but with age and experience, and a healthy measure of God's grace, I am honestly feeling called to explore this possibility. Please keep me in yoru prayers as God's plan and path are revealed.

[63. Melissa said the following at 7:21 AM on Aug 4:]

63

Before my husband and I married, we discussed this issue a lot. He wanted me to stay at home even before we had kids, but I didn't think I could justify the time. I got pregnant on the honeymoon and worked part time till Junior arrived, and now stay at home full time with our 5 month old.

I just want to say that (1) there CAN be great value to a woman serving her family at home - even if it's just her husband and (2) it DOES take work to keep yourself productive. There are temptations to laziness. I love to read but don't do it until my "to do" list for the day is done - usually I get a half hour or so to relax in the afternoon.

I think if you really want to, you can waste time in a lot of jobs or you can waste time at home. Being productive and blessing your employer OR blessing your family at home always will require being more ACTIVE that PASSIVE. It's a challenge that everyone faces, but it is more magnified when a gal is home by herself.

So ladies who stay at home, lets SHOW others that we're valuable!

[64. Michela said the following at 7:24 AM on Aug 4:]

64

This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. I think that, honestly, a lot of women are not cut out to be working full-time jobs and taking care of a house at the same time. I feel conflicted because I have a very basic desire (and need perhaps?) to take care of my house (and after Saturday, my new husband!), and my job is so stressful and soul-crushing that it leaves me with little energy to do the things that are the most important to me.

I completely agree with Candice on this. The people who disagree need to seriously question their own motives before passing judgement on others. Where in the Bible does it say that women should work full-time? I know people will come back and ask "where does it say they shouldn't?"- and that is exactly my point. God does not specify this, but if some women feel sick at the thought of trying to balance a full-time job while pursuing their specific talents, taking care of a home and husband, volunteering at church, and doing various other things, then maybe God is calling them to a different type of schedule.

Also, I laughed at the few posts that implied some women would do this out of selfish motivation in order to sit at home, watch soap operas, and eat bon-bons. If these women are trying to improve their quality of life and their relationships with their spouses and their Lord, that's not going to help.

[65. Steph said the following at 7:49 AM on Aug 4:]

65

Interesting comments. As a teacher, over the summers, I get to live this life, only as a SAHS (Stay At Home Singleton).

What have I done for the past two months?

At home I've cleaned out and organized my closets, painted and redecorated my bedroom, cooked meals from scratch nearly every night, worked on a sewing project, baked pies and goodies to give to friends, froze sweet corn, and (attempted) to learn how to knit. I know that I did not watch a single episode of a soap opera. In fact, most days the television was off until I was ready to unwind later in the evening.

Additionally, the time allowed me to have extended daily devotions, exercise, read, and deepen relationships by having the ability to meet friends for lunch. I had the time to adequately prepare to facilitate a weekly women's Bible study, get involved with my church's special needs ministry, and be on a planning committee for women's summer retreat.

In short, this summer has been fantastically fulfilling. And I didn't earn a cent doing it.

Now, I don't say this to "toot my own horn," but to show that it is possible to stay busy with relevant work even without children, and in my case, without a husband. For me, I'm a traditionalist, and absolutely love all of the aspects of the "art of homemaking" so it comes naturally, for which I'm grateful for. I realize it isn't like this for everyone.

But the thought of being able to do all of this in a house (instead of my apartment) for and with a man I dearly love and care for? I think that sounds like HEAVEN!! :)

[66. Sarah P. said the following at 7:58 AM on Aug 4:]

66

Hey, if the lady wants to be a SAHW, and her husband would like the same for her, then who are we to judge? If I were a SAHW right now, I would still have to discipline myself to finish cleaning and house chores, because I would have way more things I could do than I would ever have time to do, things I can't do right now:

- Volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center
- Send out more queries for freelance writing assignments
- Tutor homeschool kids in Latin, Algebra, creative writing, literature, etc.
- Pray in a dedicated manner for other countries, for the future of the United States, for my husband, for my biological family
- WRITE!!

Who has time for TV? Certainly not the Proverbs 31 woman! :D :D And further, I would argue that most of those activities would move me closer to being a productive SAHM in the next stage.

[67. Katie A. said the following at 7:58 AM on Aug 4:]

67

I want to be a stay at home wife. And the guy I'm seeing agrees that a stay at home wife is what he's looking for, too. And children down the road, Lord willing!

I just keep thinking about people who think that full time homemaking is "boring" or that they surely couldn't have enough to do to fill their time. I wonder how anyone could think that when there are so many many spheres of interest to pursue in home making. From cooking to sewing to doing things that beautify the home (photography, art, pottery, etc.) to helping your husband with finances, shopping, gardening, maybe some of his work (depends on the situation!) I just can't imagine being bored. There's always more learning to do, people to begin relationships with, neighbors who might like a helping hand, services that the church needs.

And I wonder if sometimes people lash out at stay at home wives because they themselves feel a little conviction about it but can't face it. I know that can be true with other issues.

Thanks for posting this Candace!

[68. allison said the following at 8:00 AM on Aug 4:]

68

Let's do be careful about what we say about the author of this letter. She is likely reading this, and I know if someone said to me some of the words that have been used to describe her, I would be crushed. No where in her letter does she show herself to be unproductive or lazy. Seems to me she has a high view of her calling as a wife.

I could write a long post on my view of this, but I feel that it would only use too much of my time, which my 6 month old son is kind of possessive of ;) but I will say this: I have a friend who worked only 2 days a week before she and her husband had children. She wasn't lazy. She kept their home in order, prepared nutritious meals, and mentored younger sisters in Christ. It was a rather legitimate calling, I feel.

[69. Miriam said the following at 8:02 AM on Aug 4:]

69

I loved this article! Being a full-time working wife is something I've never really considered - the other has always been my natural desire. As someone with no matrimonial prospects at the moment, I am happy in my non-career type job, but am looking forward dearly to the time when I can concentrate on making a home for my husband. I think if I tried to take up the duties of a wife along with working a 40 hour week the days would end in tears more often than not.

I would love to support my husband by keeping his home, feeding him well, showing hospitality, serving others in the church, and volunteering. And just learning to be a wife!

If I could do some part time work from home or in the mornings that could be good, but I think I could profitably fill my days without paid employment.

[70. -WL- said the following at 8:03 AM on Aug 4:]

70

The argument that being a SAHW with no children is "too easy", or "not equivalent to full-time work" (comment #1), doesn't hold up. My full-time job is a breeze. I sit at a desk all day and there is no stress or deadlines. If I were to take care of a home & husband, clean, run errands, support my husband in his ministry and job, do double the laundry and serve within my church & community, it would be HARDER than my full time job. So it's relative. Does it mean ~I~ should find a harder job because mine is easy? It is all about motives. I can be lazy & selfish in my full-time job; I can be lazy & selfish as a wife & mother. If a woman has the right biblical attitude, loves the home and loves to support her husband (and they are able to have that arrangement) then that is a beautiful display of biblical roles. The fact that a married, childless woman is "at home" shouldn't imply laziness/irresponsibility and doesn't negate the fact that it could be wise and extremely beneficial to a husband and the home-life dynamic.

[71. Nancy said the following at 8:10 AM on Aug 4:]

71

I have a few friends on the other side of that coin -- they are stay-at-home moms whose kids are all in school now. Almost everyone asks them why they aren't working again, and what they do all day. (Have they ever SEEN the amounts of laundry three+ kids generate?!) It's very disrespectful to question someone else's calling, or assume they must be lazy, as several commenters have done.

At the same time, my practical self was thinking "In two years working as an engineer, you could save enough money to purchase a house outright," especially since she said her husband earns a modest salary. I mention that not to question her desire, but simply to ask if they've thought about being able to provide for future children on one salary. In our first three years of marriage (while waiting to become pregnant), we used my salary to save for a house and pay for a new car, which we're still driving 11 years later. :o)

Peace,
Nancy

[72. Paxton said the following at 8:17 AM on Aug 4:]

72

Yay! ^_^ I like the idea of a stay-at-home wife and I hope that my wife has that option when I find a wife. =)

I can see how *I* would be lazy, without a job...but the girl I'm courting is so enthusiastically service-minded that she could certainly stay as busy herself as any employer would require.

[73. Emmy said the following at 8:19 AM on Aug 4:]

73

Yes! I am one of "those" women who would love to be a stay-at-home wife. By the way, I enjoyed this question and Candice's response. Being a SAHW is something I have felt strongly about for years.

I am 28, have a master's degree, and live overseas. It is neither "laziness" or "fear of having a 'real' job" that fuels my desire to be a SAHW. Rather, I know myself. I am utterly spent physically and emotionally when I get home from work each night. I have nothing left to give anyone else. I can't imagine being married right now with such a lifestyle. Furthermore, with a full-time job I would not be able to fulfill the most important roles (wife, mom) with a high degree of excellence. Better a few things done well, than many done poorly.

Our work- whatever vocation He has given us- is to be done with a high degree of excellence so as to glorify His name. It is not for us; it is for Him.

[74. Christina (in green) said the following at 8:32 AM on Aug 4:]

74

I was going to just leave this alone but all night last night and all morning today, I've been very rankled by some of the comments here about these two girls' aspirations to being an SAHW.

The first is Adam's comment on #5:
Just because there is one extra person in the house to pick up after doesn't validate the extra 7 hours of TV watching, napping, gossiping and general puttering you're able to pack into a busy schedule.

Ummm...just because it takes YOU one hour to "clean" your house doesn't meant its (a) clean and (b) a girl is going to be that cursory in her cleaning.

From infancy, girls have a higher standard of cleanliness than boys. Every mother I've talked to has said that their little girls went through more diapers than their little boys because they complained more about dirty diapers.

As adults, in egalitarian households women still do more housework (studies show). But as my female boss noted, its not because men DON'T do housework, its just that women see a need to REDO it because it doesn't meet their standards of cleanliness.

Every guy I know may keep things tidy, but there's dust gathering on every surface, the room is vacuumed once a month, and there's a collection of urine, dust, and hair gathering around the toilet. The mirror has specs of toothpaste on it, the faucet has soap scum and dust around it, and the sink has little specs of facial hair scattered around it. And when it comes to laundry? Clothes are clean, but they live out of their laundry baskets.

On top of that, there's also the difference between living in an apt vs a house. My 1 bedroom apartment with only myself in it took me 2 hours to clean, 4 hours if I scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom. In my house, it takes me 1 hour to clean the kitchen. Because I want my appliances to last as long as possible, I am meticulous about cleaning them. Sweeping, mopping, ensuring the dishes from the dishwasher are actually CLEAN, taking care of counters and putting away stuff that my husband and I take out the night before is not a quick and easy process.

It took me 20 minutes to clean the family room yesterday while it took me all day to do all the laundry. It takes me 20 minutes for the small bathrooms and 45 minutes for the master bathroom. It takes 25-30 minutes to dust every surface so that my dad can come and visit without having a allergic reaction to the cat hair. And going through bills and paperwork that accumulates every time you check the mail? And all the coupons to save money? And making a grocery list and menu so you don't waste food that you spend money on?

And cooking dinner... Oh yeah, definitely 1 hour of work and 7 hours of tv. I haven't turned the tv on except for during baby feedings in 2 weeks (feedings are long and pretty boring).

I was going to respond to Melissa in #16 but saw she was referring to another post and read that, finding I agree with her.

But for those of you who think you can do what Melissa is doing as a married woman, guess again. Its all well and good as a single woman, but throw in a husband who you need to be building a relationship with and you discover you can't do it all. I work to get everything done before my husband gets home so that when he IS home, we can relax and enjoy eachother's company - him after his long day at work and me after mine. Thinking you can just stay up late isn't going to happen and the excuse "I'm tired" will only work once in a while without causing tension.

[75. Jenny said the following at 8:39 AM on Aug 4:]

75

Yes, I am one of them! And thank you for the encouragement, Candice. I am looking forward to being a stay-at-home-woman; wife or mother!

[76. Andreas said the following at 9:21 AM on Aug 4:]

76

I'm a stay at home wife and am not glued to the television 7 hours a day with nothing to do. This an honorable and fantastic thing to do. Not only are you support for the husband, but for the community you are in as well. I've found that I'm able to help our church, our family, our neighbors and just generally get things done. Whereas before, after coming home from work I would sit in front of the television and not do anything. This world praises career women and encourages them to get out and get a job. From my reading of the Bible, I see more praise for the stay at home wife, than the woman who goes out and gets a job like a man. This support role is heavily under played in our culture and, in my opinion, is one of the reasons are households aren't doing as well as they should/could be.

[77. J said the following at 9:22 AM on Aug 4:]

77

I think it's great to consider being a SAHW. My husband and I both work full-time, and I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. It strains our relationship.

It's not how we as women are wired.

[78. LizH said the following at 9:41 AM on Aug 4:]

78

I think that being a SAHW probably makes it a lot easier to transition to being a stay at home mom because the couple would not have to adjust to one income. Plus, the woman would already have an at-home routine so she might feel better about staying at home with a baby (which, from what I've seen, can get lonely if you are used to being around a bunch of adults all day). It is unlikely that these women are going to only be stay at home wives for the next 20 years (even if they never have kids, life happens). I think it is a valid choice for a season, especially for newlyweds. The couple would probably have a better chance to work on their marriage, and that would be invaluable!

[79. Texas Craig said the following at 9:44 AM on Aug 4:]

79

Hannah C (#18):

Sin is sin. Whether it is slothfulness or sexual immorality. The human heart is prone to sin. Sure, not all women are prone to laziness, and not all men are prone to sexual immorality.

My point is that people who are genuine in their motivation for not working should have no problem keeping a good accounting of their time so that they can verify they are not actually being sinful and selfish, because that is what the human heart gravitates to without checks. I am suspicious of those who would resist this admonition, in the same way I am suspicious of people who do not want accountability of their money or men who actively resist the idea that they should avoid compromising situations with women who are not their wives.

[80. Bethany D. said the following at 9:55 AM on Aug 4:]

80

When we were engaged the plan was that I would be a SAHM and homeschool the kids once we started a family, but the vague idea was that I would work full-time until then. Then we actually tried doing it; my husband and I got married when we had one semester left of college (class + part-time work for him, full-time work internship for me). Those months of us having two 'careers' were chaotic and exhausting, causing us to rethink our game strategy. As soon as we graduated and he got a decent-paying full-time job, I became happily unemployed. For a while I had a part-time babysitting job for a women's Bible Study, but other than that I've just been a full time homemaker - and I love it! DEH (#9) is right; I might not be earning an extra paycheck, but staying at home gives me the time to streeetch his paycheck farther by cooking from scratch, doing our own taxes, etc.

A special bonus I've found this year is that it is much easier being pregnant when you're 'just' a homemaker. Scheduling prenatal appointments is easy since I don't have to take time off from work. If I'm absolutely exhausted (which was pretty much every day during the first trimester), I can focus on keeping up with the most important household chores and let the rest slide; if I had a job, I would have to put my energy toward doing my paid work first, then collapse at home while my husband did allll the housework. Already being a homemaker means there's no psychological adjustment to getting used to spending all day at home instead of the office, no self-esteem crash from basing my self-worth on my employment status, and no financial adjustment to the loss of a second income. Choosing a career as a stay at home wife/mother might not be common, but I'm loving it!

[81. Iyana Yona said the following at 10:15 AM on Aug 4:]

81

Thank you for this post. Ooh Mrs. Watters, you just RELISH being unpopular, don't you. :-)

brx #15, good answer.

Elisabeth#14, Sara23#13,Miss E, Renee, Melissa#11, DEH...BRING IT ON, OVERTAKE, INFURIATE all the way. AMEN, I'm one of those too!

Yes, I too would love to be a stay and work at home woman. I am aiming to be able to do so within three years, Lord willing.
I'd do it today if life allowed.

For me, even as a single woman, staying home and being about purposeful work and industry are just the way to go. The trick is learning and pursuing marketable skills and endeavours in line with one's interests and passions, which will make home an option. So of course, being a stay at home wife is a given.
Interest number 1, after my Lord Christ...Husband. Such prospects.

I have been conducting some reserach over the last two years, have investigated gaps in at least three markets I may be able to fill, while being home. It is so possible. My 18 year old sister is blessed to have a vision for home industry at her age. She is persuing studies which will enable her to be self employed and work from home.

The greatest reason, I think, why most women despise the idea of staying and working at home is a lack of vision, examples and palpable fear. That's why it is imagined that being a housewife equals laziness and lack of ambtion. Someone's mama messed it up so all who choose as she did, are lazy. Or maybe the soap opera gave them the idea, as in Adam #5.

Most people, especially believers, scoff at the idea of 'home'. Home, after all, is where you sleep, eat and have a pit stop on your way to somewhere more important. If yours was/is a frighteningly dysfunctional family, home is the last place you want to be. I find that whether women want to be at or don't even dream of 'keeping at home', it is because they are driven in whatever direction they go.

Most men today long for a career focused wife. And there are plenty out there. Apparently, she is an equal in this instance. Anything 'less' is foolishness. I will not/can't marry a man who sees no value or purpose or obedience to the Word in his wife embracing being his helper suitable and homemaking as a career. No way.

I too have to keep my mouth shut and not share much of what I desire about home 'and being at home'. Especially among Church women. Being highly educated or intelligent as a woman means that being a housewife should never ever be an option. Ghastly!

Only one woman is supportive, a single mom of 3 daughters who is a most dear friend. She would love to have been an at home woman, wife and mother. It helps to listen to her wisdom and to other people who have lived some and are unafraid of being looked down upon.

So yes, I want to BE at and work AT and FROM home. Even before marriage. It requires a lot of creativity and backbone to be able to implement these plans though.
If ever I am blessed with daughters, I certainly will teach them about embracing HOME.

Louise #1, thank you for your gracious acknowledgement that you've 'been there'. Thankfully, one's personal experience does does not create an irrebuttable standard for everone else. Otherwise, I should swear off Christian men and hate all things family. I've 'been there' too.

Praying to be a housewife,

Iyana.

[82. Anna said the following at 10:26 AM on Aug 4:]

82

I'm a little surprised at the responses to this, especially from some of the guys (a SAHW referred to as something like a bum, etc.). I work full time and am recently married. After almost 11 hours away from home, I find dinner tends to be quickly thrown together (good, but could be much better/cheaper/ healthier), laundry and cleaning waits for the weekends so there's very little time to catch my breath then either and I'm usually tired and sometmes stressed. The freshest most productive hours of my day are spent at work, and though it is worthwhile it is not my highest priority. There are many times I wish that I had more energy to invest in my house, time with my husband, church activities, hospitality, etc. While I wouldn't want to stay home full time before kids, I do sometimes wonder if a part time job and more time to work around the house would be healthier. Those of you who were critical- try to look at it from our perspective. I doubt most of those who might choose to stay home are doing it out of laziness. Its obviously not for everyone. However if you believe your time is better spent that way and your financial position allows it, staying home may not be a bad thing.

[83. Alyssa said the following at 10:52 AM on Aug 4:]

83

I left a comment earlier, but maybe I did something wrong. Sorry if this appears twice.

I have also had the desire to be a SAHW. Arriving home at the same time, both tired, both hungry, to a house that you were too busy to clean up last night; doesn't sound the least bit welcoming or as if your home is a haven to come home to. As a SAHW, I would enjoy volunteering at our church and with other ministries, working to be thrifty with our money, industrious to provide for our home, etc.

I'm currently single, and have learned that most people react negatively to this. Instead of telling all, I now express only my desire to be a SAHM someday.

[84. Louise from Chicago said the following at 12:06 PM on Aug 4:]

84

Comment 25 makes an important point.

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with a man expecting that his educated wife work a full time professional job.

But it is not reasonable to expect the full-time working wife to prepare daily home cooked meals and continually keep the house in a spotless condition.

Something has to give...if the husband refused to take responsbility for meal preparation and cleaning chores, well those can be hired out.

One thing I've learned in my life is that you can't have everything.

Ideally, a husband and wife should work together to decide what is important to them as a couple, and then to decide how best to achieve those goals.

[85. KT said the following at 12:12 PM on Aug 4:]

85

I have never been so eager to respond to a Boundless Line post. I just read all the previous comments with great interest. I count myself as someone who would love to join Kate and Grace as a full-time wife. As a single lady, I have even spent time considering how I might be able to cut back on professional responsibilities so that I might be able to serve in my community more and spend time doing what I am growing to love in my home—cooking, baking, and showing hospitality with my roommates. God has been giving me a heart for the home since my second year of college, but there are few ladies like Kate and Grace who are willing to fly in the face of modern assumptions on how a woman uses her time.

I have seen a couple more examples of ladies whose decisions to display their God-given femininity blessed me. A favorite example was a younger sister of a couple who had just moved to my town. The younger sister spent her entire summer between years at college living with her sister and brother-in-law, turning down the myriad offers of internships, mission trips, and summer school that are available to a college student. She and her sister gladly employed their creativity and energy in making the sister’s new house a home by sewing curtains, landscaping, organizing, painting, and more. When I first met this sister, I confess that I was surprised that she would “waste” a summer in college that way. Now I consider what a blessing that extra help must have been to the sister and I wonder whether I or my sisters will be able to give each other that sort of support some day when we have new houses and children and could use an extra set of hands.

And one final note—I am an engineer as well who went to school on a full scholarship. I have enjoyed my engineering career, but I am much more excited about the prospect of serving in my home. I do think there is some merit to the argument some of the commenters are making about “giving back” in a technical way after the financial blessings Kate has received from her scholarship sources. (and I am reminded again to be grateful for the blessings in my life.) But would we apply those same standards to a woman with a liberal arts degree? I wonder.

[86. Jessica said the following at 12:13 PM on Aug 4:]

86

I love both the article and the blog post, because I'd like to be a stay at home wife, and I'm glad I'm not the only one. That doesn't mean that I'm planning on gossiping on the phone and watching soaps all day... I think volunteering in the community, as well as looking after my home, husband and eventual children, would keep me busy.
I hope Kate and Grace go for it. :)

[87. Tiff said the following at 12:19 PM on Aug 4:]

87

Your questions are mine, #47.

[88. Louise from Chicago said the following at 12:31 PM on Aug 4:]

88

I agree with the other commentors that in this age of modern conveniences it is not difficult in a household of two full-time working adults to work together during your spare time to adequately maintain the home and prepare meals.

Now, I am not cricitizing someone who decides he/she doesn't want to work. If the spouse agrees to it, well that is THEIR BUSINESS.

But please do the world a courtesy and be honest about your motives. If you want to spend time volunteering in your church, etc., fine, like I stated on the first comment, live your life the way you choose.

But please do not claim you need to quit working a full time job just for routine home maintenance/cooking in an adults only household, especially in this modern era of convenience.

[89. Ted Slater said the following at 12:41 PM on Aug 4:]

89

Texas Craig (#79), you wrote the following phrase: "people who are genuine in their motivation for not working...."

Um. "Not working"? Would you consider the Proverbs 31 woman "not working" because she's only working for her family, and not for someone else?

Yeah, I get tired of hearing people equate "stay-at-home-wives/mothers" with someone who is "not working."

[90. BDB said the following at 12:46 PM on Aug 4:]

90

Maria (#27) wrote:

>>If you want to be a homemaker, don't go to university. <<

An aspiring homemaker should definitely avoid student-loan debt, but there is NO reason for a homemaker to avoid university. There are LOTS of ways that a homemaker can use an university education! Here are several examples:

A) Business degrees go a long ways to helping people make solid financial decisions with their own investments, such as real estate, insurance, retirement plans, etc. Lots of families operate their own business. It's very common for the husband to be the sales/operational person and the wife to do the accounting. It takes training to do accounting properly. Doctors tend to need a lot of help running the business side of their practice, too.

B) Engineering degrees tend to expire after 5 years. But the math skills remain handy. I know women with such degrees who end up teaching math and science in their homeschool co-op.

C) Liberal Arts degrees never expire, and they prepare one to think critically and to write. Also excellent for homeschooling in language arts and history.

D) Nursing and allied health are excellent preparation for handling many things that happen to children. Training in these areas also helps moms to not overreact to a health issue and blow $500 on an unnecessary emergency room visit.

E) Bible training never expires. This is excellent preparation for anyone who would consider marrying a minister and/or intends to be actively involved in ministry volunteering. It can be a hugely beneficial way to support a husband in a ministry setting, to.

It has been by observation that educated women are much more likely to be able to function in the world of ideas, and less likely to waste their time on soap operas and gossip. Education is definitely attractive!

[91. Emma said the following at 12:50 PM on Aug 4:]

91

wow, we are really putting these women thru the wringer aren't we!

I am an au pair. I am meant to be providing live in childcare for a family with two working parents and a 13 year old girl. What do I actually do...? EVERYTHING. I go to the library for them, I do the laundry, I return things to stores, I cook, I tidy, I drive the teenager around. I take the dry-cleaning, I feed and walk the dog. I fix things around the house, I run people to & from the train station. I take the car to be serviced, I stay at home if the builder/plumber is coming, I do the grocery shopping, I make phone calls, I pick up after people, I unpack the dishwasher, I load the dishwasher.

In other words, I am the wife of this household.

Not one person, and plenty have tried, can convince me that this is anything less than a part time job. It takes me many hours a day to do a combination of what I have listed above, and even the family I work for has no idea how long it takes me. In fact, they often make comments about how easy my life is, how much spare time I have. Well, excuse me....but the last thing I am doing in my day is sitting around watching tv.

I was incensed by #2's suggestion that if women who want to be housewives want to prove they are not lazy, they need to document what they do. I think that is not only unfair but ridiculous.

As for #5, words fail me.

My life, my job requires such a level of responsibility, sacrifice, and discipline that I dare anybody to try it, really try it, for a few weeks. Yes, other people have the responsibility to live up to what the boss wants, but in my opinions its doing the work that nobody notices or gives credit, when nobody is looking or making you do it, that is true work.

I commend these women, not only for staying true to themselves, but realizing that the toll of working full time as well as trying to fit in the rest of life can just be too much. I pay you my respect.

As for everybody else, just try it, go on. I dare you.

[92. Adam said the following at 12:53 PM on Aug 4:]

92

If a couple wants the woman to be a SAHW, more power to them.

To me, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I work 40 hours per week, do the cooking, cleaning, mow the lawn, all the chores, paying the bills, etc. In addition, I still find the time to be involved in church stuff 3 nights a week. And in reality, I still have quite a bit of free time. I'm not even what I would consider a high-energy person, I'm pretty laid back.

If I had a SAHW, it would be awesome! If she were supportive of me, it might save me 5 hours a week. But hey, that's the equivalent of an afternoon a week. Add another 5 hours because there's 2 people, and we are at a little more than one work day.

Put another way, if I had a week where my responsibilities equaled 10 hours a week, I've got a term for it. A vacation!

I would love to be on a perma-vacation such as is described. Granted it would be frowned upon because of my gender.

But hey, its a free country. If a couple wants to work/vacation something out, more power to them! To argue that solely taking care of the household can somehow fill the hours of the week... I call baloney.

[93. Louise from Chicago said the following at 12:54 PM on Aug 4:]

93

Comment 70, I stand by my comment 1.

I once spent several consecutive months as a stay-at-home wife sans children.

It is my experience that it is NOT the equivalent of a full-time job outside the house.

We'll have to agree to disagree on that one....

But...your job has "no stress or deadlines?"

Wow, what kind of work do you do?

[94. Tara (not the other Tara) said the following at 12:56 PM on Aug 4:]

94

I am disgusted by the all the harsh, negative statements made against house wives here. The meanness and judging attitudes are unChristian and that's all there is to it. No one is making you be a house wife or marry a house wife. Don't judge others who choose to live this way. And it's none of your business what they do behind closed doors as if they have to justify or validate how they spend their time to you or anyone else.

Saying that, I am a wife who works full time and I am HATING every second of it. I loved my job until I got married. Now all I want to do is take care of my house and my husband. We can't afford to right now and we're desperately praying that something will work out so I can at least be a SAHM if the time comes. At least my husband helps alot around the house.

I think the Bible sooner supports the traditional roles of woman at home than the contemporary roles though I do think the Bible leaves ample room for women to work outside the home if they choose. My point is that, Biblically, there is nothing to speak against a house wife. You may not understand the choice, but you can't look down on it from a spiritual perspective.

[95. Ted Slater said the following at 1:01 PM on Aug 4:]

95

Adam (#92) -- it sounds like you're only concerned with how much a SAHW would be able to serve *your* needs, how much time she could save *you*.

What about her personal fulfillment? What about how your family might be more engaged with serving the community?

When I think of a SAHW, I think of how the woman would be free to be involved in a variety of things that may not bring in an income: volunteering, meeting with friends, gardening, etc.

I say again: The Proverbs 31 woman is a SAHW. She does not report to an employer; she does not have a professional career. Do you condemn her as lazy?

[96. Texas Craig said the following at 1:04 PM on Aug 4:]

96

I find many of the comments on here about "taking care of the home" to be interesting. I am going to say something that is probably going to be very unpopular, but I believe it is completely justified biblically. And, if you want to disagree, I would ask that you address the biblical issue and not engage in all sorts of tangential attacks. Anyway, here goes:

How is decorating our home a biblically justified act of service? If anything, it seems designed to gratify our selfish desires for nice things more than any biblical command about honoring God or serving others.

I guess it comes down to this: what is our purpose for living? Is it for a nice comfortable life in a nice comfortable home, with nice little vacations, and nice little fun events at church? Or, are we in the body of Christ called to something more?

Biblical justifications, anyone?

(FWIW, in my house, I iron my own shirts, help with laundry, vacuum, take out the trash, share in cleaning the dishes, pay all the bills, do about half the grocery shopping, cook about 1/4th of the time, do all the yardwork, and pick up after myself, my wife and my kids - in fact, my wife would tell you I am more of a "neat-freak" than she is)

[97. Lauren said the following at 1:04 PM on Aug 4:]

97

I was a SAHW for the first six months of our marriage. I defended my Ph.D. the month before we got married and then we immediately moved to a new city because my husband's job transferred him. I was offered a job in a different city, but understood that my husband and I needed to be together and since he is called to be the primary provider we had to go where his job was secure. Although I was actively looking for a job during those six months I will say that I did enjoy being at home. I was able to cook wonderful meals, keep the house clean and volunteer my time tutoring at our new/local church.

Now that I am working as a researcher full-time I still can do all of those things that I did before, I just have to be more organized. I can still prepare a meal from scratch, but I need to plan so that everything I need will be in my refrigerator when I get home. I can still clean my house effectively, I just need to put it on a schedule and plan it out. And in all honesty I think that those organizational skills will better prepare me to be a SAHM, because those little ones will be like adding on a new full-time job.

Also, just because a wife chooses to work before she has a child does not mean that the family will actively use both incomes. Now that I am working, my husband and I will continue to live off of his income and will put mine straight into the bank. This will allow us to save quite a nice nest egg before we have children and will allow us to put a down payment on a house sooner rather than later. I can say that I am really happy that I can serve our family this way. Think about the Proverbs 31 Woman. She is the perfect example of a woman who did it all, she worked diligently both inside and outside of the home. She just didn't necessarily do it all at the same time. I think this time before we have children enables me to better hone my skills outside of the home, while when I have small children I will be more focused inwardly.

However, I do not agree with those who seem to think that educating a woman who will eventually stay home is a waste of time/money/space. I also went to college and graduate school on scholarship which I think better prepares me to stay at home if I so choose because my husband won't have to deal with my debt. Additionally, what if this woman decides to home-school her children? She will be better equipped to teach them well and give them a love of math and science. All in all having lived both sides of this issue I will say that there is no right and no wrong answer. Every family must decide for themselves what is best. The Bible is clear that a woman's heart should be in the home, but there are plenty of examples of women who God called to make an additional impact outside of the house as well. I feel that I am called to be one of those women, so I chose a profession that would pay me well, give me great flexibility, and would leave me without any debt. You can do it all, just not all at the same time and you have to plan for the life God has called you to.

[98. Louise from Chicago said the following at 1:08 PM on Aug 4:]

98

Comment 81, the phrase "I've been there" in my comment 1 was just to clarify that in this instance I have actually personally experienced the situation.

Usually on my Boundlessline comments re family situations, I try to qualify my opinions by stating that I never had children, so I often do not have much experience in the particular area.

My "I've been there" comment was just to clarify my level of experience here...it was not a personal comment leveled at anyone.

You appear to have taken the phrase quite personally.

I'm sorry you reacted in that fashion.

[99. Louise from Chicago said the following at 1:11 PM on Aug 4:]

99

Comment 89, Mr. Slater do you agree that we have many more modern conveniences now than people did in Biblical times?

[100. Louise from Chicago said the following at 1:14 PM on Aug 4:]

100

Comment 91 your situation is not comparable.

There is a minor child in the household in which you work.