Face-to-Face Friendship
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 08/18/2009 at 7:00 PM
In today's featured article "Life. Support." Brenna Kate Simonds discusses the vital need for face-to-face friendships. After a tragic event in her life, Simonds discovered that, though she had hundreds of Facebook friends, she lacked friends who would invade her space and provide comfort. She writes:
I think everyone struggles with disconnect. It seems to have gotten worse now that you don't have to pick up the phone, write a letter or make a coffee date to connect with someone. The age of message boards, e-mail and Facebook gives me this false sense of security, that I have all these friends and I know what's going on with them and they know what's going on with me — people I rarely or never see for any kind of "face-to-face" interaction.
I've come to realize that's not what Jesus had in mind when He talked about sharing life with other believers.
I talked about the need for friendships between women in my article "Girls Need Girls."
Whether we women are aware of it or not, female friends contribute to our emotional and spiritual lives in a unique and essential way. Even married women need the intimacy and connection that comes from female friendships.
The same goes for men. A supportive network of godly friends can make all the difference when it comes to satisfaction with one's life, personal growth and godly living. Sometimes it feels as if these friendships are elusive, but seeking them out is worth the effort. Simonds writes:
Relationships take risks, they take time, but I need them in order to thrive. Following Jesus' example gives me courage to persevere in pursuing the kinds of relationships that Jesus had.
Those are the kinds of relationships that change the world.
1. Jackie Helen said the following at 7:39 PM on Aug 18:
The world of technology offers a way of connection from a distance when face to face is not possible and for that I am thankful. However, this same thing plays a big part in tearing down families by stealing family time and family conversation, allowing the open temptation of forming relationships with people we have never seen. I have seen marriages and lives destroyed by this.
Aides to communication have seen us lose the ability to communicate correctly with one another.
We are both transmitters and receivers. The message can be lost or distorted, not transmitted clearly, or not received clearly for many reasons. Then, what will be our response? This is the essence. Today many people do two things at once.
Back to back we can share the same room and time, and have no meaningful interaction with one another, but intimate contact with the pressing needs urged at us from a lap top or other electronic device.Evening after evening of rich family life is stolen from us like this, by the 'god' of 'entertainment'.
For a Christian, it must mean to heighten our alertness to what we are really here for and be watchful. Be disciplined in the use of these things.They are tools, not the meaning of life.
2. Elizabeth H. (Russia) said the following at 8:22 PM on Aug 18:
"False sense of security" is right. Sometimes when the problems really come, we don't know whom to call.
Another problem is that when we find ourselves struggling with sin, we aren't close enough to anyone at our church to confess our weakness to them.
3. Jonathon said the following at 8:54 PM on Aug 18:
Yeah boi! Love the article
4. BDB said the following at 9:49 PM on Aug 18:
This reminds me of the post Ashley wrote in the run-up to her engagement and wedding.
I submit for your consideration that how people use facebook changes after marriage, just as in-person companionship does. Moms use it as a very handy way to upload pictures of their kids. That's a much different use than, say, college students looking for a party. It's a much better platform than e-mailing kid pictures around.
It had an interesting effect on my high school reunion, too. The one five years ago had only about 30 attendees. This one had 180. The main difference was the 60 or so that have reconnected via facebook all came to specifically seek out one another. In fact, we used facebook to organize some of the events. It made a big difference that we had a general idea where people were in life, and specifically sought out those who we knew were seeing the world the same way. There are church-going Christians today who I didn't even know were Christians in high school. Like any tool, it's how you use it.
Now, if you were to diss Farm Town...
5. Charlotte C. said the following at 9:58 PM on Aug 18:
I really liked this article especially this part:
Friendships take time, and they take work. Disagreements are an ordinary part of relating, and yet people tend to run at the first sign of conflict. I recently heard a pastor say, "If you agree with someone 100 percent of the time, one of you is unnecessary." I've found I need my friendships to be secure and valuable enough to be worth the discomfort of honesty and disagreement.
I've lost a lot of friendships in the past because I couldn't handle disagreements well. I thought disagreements were unnatural in friendships and I tried to do my best to do the right thing 100% of the time. The friendship became superficial, I got exhausted ironing out all the problems and we both got resentful. I wish I had known better then.
Now, I'm embracing friendships just as it is and embracing people just as they are without excessively trying to fix them or anything.
6. Michelle (in the UK) said the following at 5:14 AM on Aug 19:
I think in today's world we're becoming more disconnected by being "connected" all the time.
However, I think we have to look rather than social networking being all bad or all good, but at the need for balance.
Social Networking sites have opened up the opportunity to connect to those we may have not stayed connected to in the past. It also allows for those living far away from family or friends to share life on a much more interactive level. These things are all very positive.
However, being poked by someone on FB doesn't mean they want to marry you. Nor does the propensity to creep or stalk the boy you like help girls not get too emotionally connected to someone.
It's the balance that we need.
My bestest friends and I keep in contact daily using FB, Texting and Blackberry Messenger (as well, cheap international phone services). Without these tools it would be more difficult to do this. I have the EXACT same tools open to me to use with the 1000 other FB friends I have (the majority of which I do know personally) but I CHOOSE not to keep those close relationships with them (although I wish them happy birthday or congratulate them on marriage, a new job or child).
Going back, I use Blackberry Messenger with my best friend in Canada (i'm obviously in London) to keep accountable. If I have a thought that I need help with, if i'm having a low day or whateve I first give it to God and ask Him to help me, but then I email/message her instantly to let her know what i'm struggling with. it's great!
What these tools do is keep me connected when I can't be physically around. Saying that I still get together with my bestest (in Canada) once a year...physically. And even if it's just a hug in the foyer at church we make sure that weekly friends here keep in close contact.
I guess all my rambling proves that it's about balance eh?
7. Amanda Kawalski said the following at 5:53 AM on Aug 19:
It's true, people are more isolated. However, I don't think it's because people are afraid to admit they need people, for fear of being percieved as weak. I graduated college, got married, and moved to a new town. My husband and I still have zero friends. We don't know where to go to meet people. In church, there are a few couples, we invited them over, but they didn't return the favor and we lost contact. His co-workers are much older and have little interest in hanging out. It's just the way society is set up-- no one gets together in the "villiage square" or shops in the same local market where you see the same people over and over. ANyway, I have no friends.
8. Tami said the following at 10:41 AM on Aug 19:
BDB (4) wrote:
Now, if you were to diss Farm Town...
I think they should have a Christian version called Bethlehem Town. It could be a interactive social game and matchmaking service in one. Guys looking for wives could be "Boaz," and women looking for husbands could be "Ruth." You could help your friends by leaving stuff on the ground, which they could glean for coins and experience points.
9. Trisha said the following at 10:43 AM on Aug 19:
As a single Christian female who likes sports it is hard to find other single Christian woman who like sports to be friends with. I'm not a girly girl....I like sports and I hate shopping (except for birthdays, Christmas)! I tend to make friends based on common interest not just the common interest/connection of Jesus. I had no friends growing up so it's hard for me to make friends in general....even plunotic relationships (which I think can exist unlike some people).
10. diana said the following at 12:09 PM on Aug 19:
Tami (#8): I love your idea!! How creative! Someone should definitely launch that one.
Regarding friends, it's almost ironic that this discussion has come up when it has. Just this week I've been realizing my own pathetic lack of close friends, not just acquaintances or FB buddies. We were visiting relatives in Europe, and it was so refreshing to sit for hours enjoying the "village" atmosphere where relationships and conversations are the most important aspects of life. Everyone knew everyone in their village (and outlying town) and connected daily or even multiple times a day. I miss that here in my life where I barely recognize my own neighbors.
This week, I've made it my goal to do some reaching out. I want some friends and the biblical formula for that is to show myself friendly. Hope it works!
p.s. I too suffered a miscarriage and was quite lonely during that sadness. Facebook condolences were nice but definitely not comforting in a meaningful way.
11. Rachael said the following at 12:30 PM on Aug 19:
It's easy for me to not iniatively, proactively try to hang out with my friends. It's all too easy let time pass by without consciously making efforts to hang out with them.
I live kind-of far from my 'main friends' (the people near where I live now are mostly significantly older and at the acquaintance level [in my mind, I generally don't classify people as 'friends' right off the bat].
I do see family more often than my friends, even though they live aways away, too.
A couple different times after I married several months ago I had different 'friend appointments' in one day.
Like killing however many birds with the same stone...except, not exactly ;)
An interesting topic that someone might want to write about or discuss is the topics of conversations that are had when meeting with friends.
12. DannieA said the following at 12:31 PM on Aug 19:
disclaimer...my comment is not meant to start a debate.
I think this is why I love working and can understand why sometimes women prefer to keep working at least part time after having children. Maybe not in all job circles but since I work in a school district, my co-workers tend to be ah more "nurturing" type so I've made some good friends through work that would support me thick and thin...it's also a good thing that FB is not allowed at work because during our breaks we socialize in the teacher's lounge.
I've enjoyed my vacation this year ( I didn't work summer school) however, I'll be more than ready to go back to work and have face to face contact in 2 weeks.
13. Lis said the following at 1:35 PM on Aug 19:
i don't think there is anything wrong with facebook as long as it does not become and obsession. i live away at school and i think it has been a really nice way to stay in touch with friends and family i don't see very much.
14. BDB said the following at 1:45 PM on Aug 19:
Let's see, Boaz was wealthy, so I suppose Bethleham Town would need to require that first - say, getting to level 30 before buying a threshing floor...
I read once that people in general can handle about 250 face-to-face relationships. Most people stay below that on facebook from what I've seen. The promiscuous frienders with more than 500 friends perhaps are less satisfied with the depth of their relationships.
15. Catherine H said the following at 2:41 PM on Aug 19:
I think it's so true what is said about needing to connect.
After years of being there for people, reaching out to people, settingup Christian support groups, community projects etc, I am now in need, and no one is rushing to my door to help me.
Also, my experience of church (21 years) has been very damaging to my life. I was driven out of my last church by the leadership for asking people in the church to read the Bible for themselves rather than rely on what the books they read tell them is in the Bible, among other misdemeanors along those lines.
I think it would be nice to have female friends, if all females were loving, positive, good people to be around. My experience is not that.
The majority of women I have met in life have been jealous of my abilities - both in work and in social life - and so have tried to drag me down, making false accusations about me, treating me with total disrespect, spreading rumours about me etc. I have had to quit my job because of the harassment I received at work - which has impacted my health - and the lies spread about me. It was working in an all-female environment. Never again.
Most of my friends have been men. It does not make me feel powerful or sexually powerful to be friends with men.
If men want to compete, they choose to better themselves, work harder. If women want to compete, they try their best to tear the other person (me) apart.
To me, men are funny, sensitive and intelligent. I find some women as such, but not many. I do have some female friends, but there are not many females I admire.
Many women complain, are weak in themselves and quick to turn against a friend (me) when the friend (me) is not convenient for them or their life choices, such as taking drugs, or acquiring a middle-class friendship group of yes women.
There's so many habits that women portray that I simply do not want to be around, and looking at the general emotional and mental weakness of women, staying with violent men (I have intervened in domestic abuse in the street many times, and encouraged the woman to walk away with me, and she has stayed with her man), and how they rely on using their bodies - whatever their intelligence - to further their lives, what is there to admire the average woman for?
What can I gain from the average woman except learn to hate myself and to think that it is normal to be abused?
To say that to have an intimate friendship with a man is inappropriate, that's so wrong. I learnt so much about being a woman from a male mentor I had at university. I have never been attracted to any of my male friends, nor have they been to me. It's a falicy.
Some women do confuse friendship with attraction or love because they have a deficit in self-love, and so fall for any man who shows them attention, but it does not mean it is the same for every woman. To say that is undermining the godly and healthy non-focus on sex and relationships that many men and women have.
Sorry if the tone is off, but one size does not fit all, and the world is not a perfect place, full of perfect women who will surround another perfect woman and learn to fulfill each other in a healthy way.
I am not perfect in my anger towards what I see in the average woman, and to be honest, I don't see my anger changing towards what women make themselves into, because what the average woman makes herself into is not what God intended.
And my anger is not what God intended, but at least it is righteous anger.
16. Michelle (in the UK) said the following at 2:55 PM on Aug 19:
BDB (14)
Being someone who's lived in 2 countries and 2 different provinces I have over 1200 friends. I'm also a pastor in the life of our church and in PR. I've got heaps of "friends" and frankly your comment about "promiscous frienders" being less satisfied with the depth of our relationships makes me upset.
I think people are taking what facebook is about too far. This is not where you develop life long friendships, it's a place to connect and to network, not to build a relationship.
Which I believe is the point of this post--fb friendships are just that fb friendships-they connect people and allow others to have a bit of insight into your life, or keep old friends in contact.
oh! and as far as Bethlehem town...love it! I think it's hilarous...
17. Sarah P. said the following at 3:36 PM on Aug 19:
BDB (#14): The promiscuous frienders with more than 500 friends perhaps are less satisfied with the depth of their relationships.
Nah, we just use it for different purposes. It's a good networking tool. I have 567 Fbook friends at last counting, but I don't use the tool for real friend-building. It's a supplement, not the source of friendships. :) And it's a good way to poke my nose into news that interests me. :)
18. K.L. said the following at 4:59 PM on Aug 19:
I totally agree that people spend way too much time on social networking sites (guilty) and not near enough time building quality relationships with one another. But what about the people who really want to be close to someone, but are absolutely terrified of the thought of being intimate with another person? What are we supposed to do? I've been dealing with this for quite a while now, and quite frankly, I'm getting tired of it. Tired of feeling lonely. Tired of feeling like no one truly knows me. I can't tell you how especially awkward it feels being a girl who doesn't know how to share her feelings. I mean, it's practically expected of us to be all emotional and to sit around crying on each other's shoulders and stuff. And since I'm not like that, I feel really weird and sometimes uncomfortable around other groups of girls. I don't know what I need to do to overcome this fear I have, but it needs to happen soon. I'm only 19, and I think my greatest fear is that I'll be this way for the rest of my life, which would really suck. So if any of you out there have any tips for people like me, that would be awesome. Particularly girls. Is there anyone who's dealt with this before or is dealing with it right now?
19. BDB said the following at 5:01 PM on Aug 19:
#16 wrote:
>>frankly your comment about "promiscous frienders" being less satisfied with the depth of our relationships makes me upset. <<
#17 wrote:
>>Nah, we just use it for different purposes<<
Perhaps I should clarify - their facebook presence is not necessarily a reflection of who their friends are.
A better example is in the book The Tipping Point. Author Malcom Gladwell describes how major changes in markets and the world of ideas come about when "masters of the weak connection" decide they are important. If someone with 1000 friends decides that support is needed for refugees from Burma, these "mavens" can use social networing sites to bring it to the attention of a lot of people all at once.
Disclosure: I didn't invent the term promiscuous friending. Serious article is here. There are a variety of techniques that can be used to minimize the risks - effective use of privacy settings for example. For those who are using it to promote their ministry, it might be a good idea to create a separate list of "true" friends who have more access to personal information, and limit access to others.
20. BDB said the following at 5:15 PM on Aug 19:
Oops! People who know lots of other people are what Gladwell calls Connectors rather than Mavens.
The Mavens are people who figure stuff out.
And on the article - while it offers good tips on eliminating risks, I also suggest that a life lived without risks gets kinda boring.
21. kaj said the following at 7:56 PM on Aug 19:
RE: Tami, BDB, et al on "Bethlehem Town:"
• Would coins and experience points be tithed?
• In keeping with Old Testament custom, could you only gift "clean" animals (i.e. no pigs)?
• What level would one have to reach in order to buy sandals?
(I admit, I'm a Farm Town addic--er, fan (: )
In all seriousness, though, I find Facebook as a one-stop shop to share pictures, look for local events, and connect with all my friends.
Anymore, I'm more selective with whom I "friend" on FB. But my rule that I had back in the days of Instant Messenger applies: I only have on there friends who were already friends in real life.
I have over 400 on my FB list (and I have even had to "de-friend" a few, for various reasons) myself. A majority of them are from college, overseas volunteer work, and in the "megachurch" I attend. With friends like these spread all across the city, country, and world, it helps to stay connected.
But I do agree that it's better as an extension, rather than a substitute, for "real-life" friends.
22. Trisha said the following at 9:10 PM on Aug 19:
There is nothing wrong with reading Christian books about any subject as long as they support what the Bible says.
23. Jo said the following at 12:27 AM on Aug 20:
BDB, "I read once that people in general can handle about 250 face-to-face relationships. Most people stay below that on facebook from what I've seen."
Not from what I've seen! In my experience, under 25s tend to have loads of friends, over 35s tend to have a lot less. And the ones in the middle can go either way. :P I know that when I meet someone now that I want to keep in touch with, I first ask if they're on Facebook (or later find them on Facebook). It's just an easy way to keep track of people.
"The promiscuous frienders with more than 500 friends perhaps are less satisfied with the depth of their relationships."
I just checked and I have 458, so I guess I'm still okay. :) Seriously though, I'll be the first to admit that probably 200 of those at least are people I never speak to, many are people from school who I was never friends with even when I knew them. It is interesting to see where they are now, but to be honest the only reason I don't delete them is because I use Facebook to promote my music as well. I think a lot of other people keep so many friends because they can't be bothered to get rid of them, but I doubt any of those would really try to claim they had close friendships with all their Facebook friends, or wanted them.
24. Elizabeth H. (Russia) said the following at 11:14 AM on Aug 20:
DannieA, I think you have a good point. Staying busy is a good way to keep those online habits reigned in.
I find that I rarely miss Facebook when I'm too busy with "real-life" appointments.
I don't think Facebook directly replaces other relationships, unless you are sitting on your computer ignoring your family members, or saying no to social opportunities so you can stay home on the computer.
But it can definitely slow down your productivity, so that you finish work and chores later and possibly have less time for hanging out with people.
25. Elizabeth (from Canada) said the following at 12:40 PM on Aug 20:
In response to #18 (K.L.), yes, it can be very scary to open up to other people. And as a fellow girl who doesn't like to "be all emotional and to sit around crying on... shoulders," I somewhat understand. In my teens I didn't see much point in female friendships where all they did were talk about what I considered to be superficial and emotional things. However, I have found some amazing friends since who are quite similar to me; there are lots of other girls out there who aren't super emotional - you just have to find them.
I think opening up is really a matter of trust - can you trust someone? For me, having friendships grow over a period of 6 months or more (from casual acquaintances to finding you have a lot in common, to finding you're spending more time with this person than other friends) helps me to become more trusting. You slowly discover more about the other person, and share things in your turn, and in your time. But it can be scary - is your friend going to reject you or laugh at you? What will you do if she does? Will it be the end of the world, or can you explain that her behaviour is hurtful? Or perhaps laugh at yourself? Also, I have always found I can be more open with my friends if they are over for sleepovers. Somehow, being tired, and talking in the dark where the other person can't see my face tends to help. It sounds silly, I guess, but it works for me.
Friendships are risky, in the sense that you can be hurt, but they are incredibly rewarding as well. I really hope and pray that you will be able to find a good friend (maybe another girl who's also lonely and also scared of opening up?). I think you will be a good friend, since you have already have a deep understanding (and empathy) of what being lonely and scared of others is like - and that's something we all struggle with to one degree or another.
26. Tami said the following at 2:06 PM on Aug 20:
Thanks all for playing along with my Bethlehem Town suggestion ;)
kaj - I think your questions are very important ones to answer!
• Would coins and experience points be tithed? After going to market you would be asked if you'd like to go tithe from there. If you do, you are "blessed" with gifts from time to time.
• In keeping with Old Testament custom, could you only gift "clean" animals (i.e. no pigs)? I think so. Also all the crops would be related to the Middle East... olives, grapes, wheat...
• What level would one have to reach in order to buy sandals? I think that should be near the end, right when you're ready to "propose." It shows you're committed, having made it through all those levels ;)
27. BDB said the following at 3:21 PM on Aug 20:
This topic is apparently trendy, because my church is about to start an anti-facebook sermon series. However, the pastors who want to go this direction are not on facebook and seem to be confusing it with Second Life or perhaps World of Warcraft.
At my Bible study, our leader said that people "don't know who we're dealing with." Those of us in the Bible study who are also facebook friends pointed to each other and said, "I know who ____ is." Or their kids, or other relatives. Seriously, when my sister posts pictures of my nephew, I know that my nephew really exists. They don't just rent him for when I visit.
It does solve one of the problems with mega-churches, too. My church used to do a church directory every couple of years. We haven't done it in 5 years or so. But the purpose of the directory was to figure out who was who and put a name with a face - the same thing we use facebook for now.
I really do think this is a technology that has been used effectively by missionaries. The problem with de-friending anyone who hasn't communicated in a week is that it would probably wipe out all the missionaries with sporadic Internet access, not to mention relatives who only use it for periodic kid-related updates. My cousins don't send me very many facebook messages, but they don't cease to be cousins.
For those with more than 500 friends, please be sure to run anti-virus software!
28. BDB said the following at 4:06 PM on Aug 20:
How is it possible to harvest truffles from a pig?
29. Tami said the following at 4:46 PM on Aug 20:
BDB, I think the pigs are the harvesters :)
30. Trisha said the following at 5:22 PM on Aug 20:
I have more aquaintances then friends because I have nothing in common with those people expect the church we attend.
31. Rachael said the following at 6:24 PM on Aug 20:
K.L.,
My guess is that it is common to not want to always (or ever) open up to a group.
I wonder if you might find a good friend(s) over time, as you rub elbows.
Perhaps as you pursue an interest or consistently attend a group of some sort, over time, at least one or two people might start to strike you as people you could hang out with or open up a little.
And, there might be seasons of your life where you have good friends, and there might be seasons of your life where you feel those connections have become more distant.
My current season is that I don't frequently interact with my better friends. I think and hope I'll make new good friends in time.
In the meantime, perhaps I should step it up with someone/people I do rub elbows with.
Like this summer, one time someone at the place I worked (who I didn't talk to much) opened up to me one time, and she may have even suggested having lunch together.
I don't know if I'll be initiative and try to meet with her. It's all-too-easy for me to not try to be initiative like that. While I doubt she and I would become best friends, maybe it would be good to try to meet with her...(but it would be easy to let it go and not meet, which might end up happening...)
Maybe people like you and I should think outside the box - God is in control and maybe wants different types of people in our lives in different seasons...
He is interesting!