Single-Friendly Sentiments or Tired Truths?
by Thomas Jeffries on 07/08/2009 at 12:58 PM
I was talking with a coworker a couple weeks back, a single woman in her late 20s, when the conversation turned to this blog. She is an occasional Boundless reader, and like many others I've met, she has what you might call a love/hate relationship with The Line.
Some days she enjoys reading very much -- at other times it drives her crazy.
So I suggested that she consider contributing to the discussion; if not via the comments section, then perhaps by suggesting potential topics. A few days later, I received the following suggestion in my in-box:
[How about] a post for singles without using any of the attached phrases/sentiments? Ready? Go. I’m holding a giant buzzer, like in Outburst.
- Don’t worry, God is in control
- God has a plan for you
- It will come in time
- You need to put your faith in God
- You need to be content with just God
- Your priorities are obviously not in the right place
- You’re obviously not satisfied with God
- He’ll/She’ll come around when you stop looking
- You need to put yourself out there more/get involved
- You need to serve more
- God thinks you’re a princess -- He’s just not ready to share you yet!
- Lots of people wish they were single again . . . enjoy it while it lasts.
- Most people are waiting till their 30s today
- The right girl/guy is out there somewhere
Now, I'm the first to admit that I've addressed a few of these subjects myself. And while I'm not about to start defending clichés, I'll also acknowledge that there is a lot of truth in some of the sentiments behind them. In other words, while the meaning still has value, perhaps we've simply heard them repeated so often that the lessons are lost in translation.
But maybe that's just me. How about the rest of you -- particularly singles -- are you tired of hearing the same-old, same-old, or do these expressions still provide some measure of comfort and reassurance? Or, on a related note, is there a particular phrase that you would prefer to never hear again?
1. obewan said the following at 1:20 PM on Jul 8:
Or, on a related note, is there a particular phrase that you would prefer to never hear again?
------------------------------
How about the "just settle" stuff?
It implies that I can "force" myself to be romantically attracted to someone I find unattractive, and that offends me in the same way someone would if they suggested a gay relationship to me as an option.
2. Tami said the following at 1:28 PM on Jul 8:
I'll address each one individually...
* Don’t worry, God is in control: YES! True. And sometimes this is the *only* thing we *can't* control, so it's how God teaches us/gets our attention.
* God has a plan for you: True. This is generally a comfort, but if it's said dismissively, then it's hurtful.
* It will come in time: I would not say this. Because you don't know!
* You need to put your faith in God: True - but it's often said dismissively.
* You need to be content with just God: No... because God gave us relationships! However, contentment *is* an important lesson.
* Your priorities are obviously not in the right place: Maybe true, but... again.. be careful how you say this :)
* You’re obviously not satisfied with God: Uh, how do you know??
* He’ll/She’ll come around when you stop looking: I hear this anecdotally a lot, but it's not necessarily true.
* You need to put yourself out there more/get involved: Maybe -- but check the person's calendar before you say this to him or her!
* You need to serve more: Only true if that's true in general.
* God thinks you’re a princess -- He’s just not ready to share you yet!: Oy.
* Lots of people wish they were single again . . . enjoy it while it lasts.: Not precisely encouraging?
* Most people are waiting till their 30s today: Yeah, but... do I do *everything* that's because what "most people" are doing?
* The right girl/guy is out there somewhere: I think this is OK, when said in love. And unmarried people should feel free to follow up with: "Know anybody?" :)
3. Natalie said the following at 1:43 PM on Jul 8:
I'm 24 and definitely not a fan of being told stories about someone in their 30s or 40s who's still single...but so content in the Lord. If anything tempts me to the brink of anxiousness, it's considering that that could be me one day. I'd much rather have someone simply offer to pray for/with me if they have nothing un-cliche-ick;) to say.
I do, however, like being reminded that God has a plan for me. Sometimes life feels very nebulous-like and I feel as though I'm just drifting along. But God's word is so direct and specific that each of us is important to Him and that He has ordered our days, the boundaries of our dwellings, and tallied up the hairs on our heads. It is a great encouragement that I can never go off the doppler with God's radar screen!
4. kaj said the following at 1:51 PM on Jul 8:
Oh, this list hits home, alright!
I've told people "One of the unpleasant things about being single is that I have to hear a lot of clichés about being single."
To me, clichés seen in your list hold little or no comfort, and I will admit I even get angry hearing them.
I'll add some more clichés to your list:
- Are you seeing anyone special yet?
- Have you tried online dating?
- You don't need a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy. Jesus is all you need.
- You aren't ready for a relationship yet.
- You need to get to know yourself and improve [such-and-such] before God will bring someone into your life.
- Perhaps you need to lose some weight (or improve your wardrobe or physical appearance).
- Use this time in your life to just have fun. (uh, not so great to hear when I'm unemployed and have little discretionary money in my budget)
- In order to meet someone special you have to be someone special.
To me, hearing any clichés--from your list or mine--just smacks of either "I don't care that you're single (actually could translate as "lonely"), or "I really don't know what to say to comfort you, so I'll just throw something out there."
Just think how these clichés would sound if, instead, we aimed them at a married couple struggling with infertility. All the sudden, such well-meaning, worn-out words take on an air of insensitivity. Do we tell the infertile they need to be satisfied with God first, for example?
There has to be a better way to comfort singles, but for now I'll give the floor to someone else.
5. a sassy sister said the following at 1:53 PM on Jul 8:
while I certainly understand how these comments and responses are unhelpful, there are other positions/comments (most of them implied here if not explicitly stated here) that are NOT helpful as a single Christian woman, such as:
*there's something wrong with you if you're not married by 35, and if you're still single, well, you either must be too (career-obsessed, selfish, immature, unrealistic, fill in any other negative depiction here) to be married.
*marriage makes you more holy and spiritual than if you were single.
*the one of the biggest threats to the Christian population is singleness. Therefore, we must get as many Christians as married as possible in order to address this problem.
*we (the Church) will only take you seriously as an adult until you marry and have children. Otherwise, we will either ignore you or treat you like a weirdo/pervert until you do.
*Men/women are to blame for the rise of singles in church.
*Once you get married and have children, you have enough life experience and trials to be qualified to give sound advice to other people.
6. Will said the following at 1:54 PM on Jul 8:
I never want to hear "He’ll/She’ll come around when you stop looking"...as a guy, it is patently unbiblical. Maybe if you are a woman then this has some merit to it...but if you are a man, it is your godly duty to seek out a wife - SEEK, not passively wait for her to fall into your lap.
Proverbs 18:22 - He who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favor from the Lord.
7. hlc said the following at 1:56 PM on Jul 8:
The problem with most of those sayings is that a) we've heard them all wayyy too much and b) they can minimize what we singles are feeling. As a single female in her late 20's, I intellectually know all of the truths in those trite sayings. And some of them have led to a misunderstandings. For the longest time, I heard that I needed to be content with God and was upset with myself when I found myself desiring marriage, thinking that my feeling that something was missing was due to my own inadequacy as a Christian.
Nowadays when I have one of those days and need to vent or express frustration at my singleness, I usually just want someone to sympathize and tell me it's okay to be sad sometimes or want marriage and a family. I think the one saying that resonates still for me is that God is in control, but only after someone has acknowledged my feelings.
8. a sassy sister said the following at 2:01 PM on Jul 8:
oh, and I forgot to add one more:
Marriage is the only way for single Christians to defeat the temptation to engage in sexual immorality.
9. Jonathan said the following at 2:06 PM on Jul 8:
I hate every single one of those Bumper Sticker Theological pieces of advice. It feels like people tell you things like that because they don't know what to tell you and they really don't want to exert some effort to really help you out. Sometimes we really need practical advice or some explanation of why I should for instance get more involved in church.
While there is something to be said for what is behind them such as being content, not to make God send you a spouse, but for your own good. It might help it with your search, but it might not. For instance, it might make you appear less desperate and less willing to jump into an ill advised relationship. But it will not help if you are alone on a desert island if you would like to find a spouse.
But, what can married couples do for singles. Host parties? Include single people in the "grown up activities." Try and avoid creating ONLY married couples bible studies. And there is plenty singles should be doing.
10. brx said the following at 2:07 PM on Jul 8:
The right girl/guy is out there somewhere
That's no better than at the end of the day...
It was also tiring to hear 'have you tried e-harmony?' when I wasn't in the mood to explain why I think on-line dating is often unhealthy.
11. Chelsey Crouch said the following at 2:08 PM on Jul 8:
When I was in college, this article was pointed out to me and it was such a blessing. It talks about some of those platitudes that you mention, Thomas, and it also gives a surprisingly refreshing perspective on how to live your life for the Lord when you're not married (yet).
http://www.jwu.ruf.org/singled-
out-for-good
12. Tamara (from Canada) said the following at 2:12 PM on Jul 8:
The one I tire of hearing is when people will quote to me, I believe it's out of Isaiah, that "God is my husband." Sorry, not much comfort in that one. It just makes me feel bad for apparently not being satisfied with just God in my life. And, it also bugs me because from what I understand that is taking that verse a little out of context, and it drives me nuts when people do that.
13. Cliff said the following at 2:15 PM on Jul 8:
I am going to go off a tangent here.
If there is a phrase I can repeat when i am feeling down or frustrated it is the fact that I once was a drunken sinner and it is only through Christ I am able to live again.
At the end of the day, even with relationship troubles and/or singleness problems, what really matter is the mercy of God that I am saved. Anything else is really just icing on the cake.
14. Charlene said the following at 2:19 PM on Jul 8:
It would be a refreshing change for others to realize that although we are single, are whole never-the-less. I recently heard a preacher say that it was God's plan for all to be married. I do not agree with that. Just because some married people can't imagine a single person being "whole" doesn't change the truth that whatever road we find ourselves on, GOD is Big enough to make us not only whole but brilliantly beautiful!
15. Ronnica said the following at 2:25 PM on Jul 8:
The first two provide comfort, but the rest are tired and irritating, no matter the truth in some of them. Particularly "He’ll/She’ll come around when you stop looking." I've done that...it's not a magic formula!
Another one that irritates me is "You will get married" or some other wording of a future promise of marriage. Really? How do you know that??? It's not a scriptural guarantee.
16. kim said the following at 2:27 PM on Jul 8:
Do I think these are truths - yes. Do I think most singles (especially older ones) need to hear them in every conversation? No.
Here's why. Often, when we singles (again, especially older ones) are talking about being single - we don't want answers (unless you have the perfect guy you want to set us up with). We want someone to sympathize with us. Most people can't. Most people I know have not been 32 and always single. So, they can't empathize. But, I'm not looking for "God has a plan". No kidding - I know He has a plan. And you know, His plan is absolutely perfect and I wouldn't go with my plan over his plan anyday. But, just listen to me, don't offer me answer!
17. Michelle said the following at 2:28 PM on Jul 8:
#5 a sassy sister, you are right on! Too often it seems that marriage is viewed as a prerequisite to being spiritually mature.
It was very encouraging to me at a church I used to attend, the associate pastor was not married. Now, he is married, but he was a pastor for about 3 years before getting married. God worked through him to minister to the church when he was single.
I believe God uses us in whatever life stage we're in for his glory! (I hope that's not a cliche...)
18. Heather said the following at 2:30 PM on Jul 8:
Tired? YES!! I'm in the same demographic as your coworker and wholeheartedly agree. It took me a long time to realize that contentment and desire are NOT mutually exclusive.
It's quite possible to be content, faithful, and serving, and still hope that marriage is a part of God's grand plan. Yet most of those phrases imply the opposite-- or worse, that if you were godly enough or doing enough, you'd have a spouse already.
And there might be a few people who wish they were single again, but most of those individuals are reaping the consequences of bad decisions. The vast majority of Christians who chose wisely and have been blessed with a Biblical marriage are THRILLED to be married. They are relieved to be "off the market" and feel everyone around them should be in as ideal a state of matrimony.
The remaining phrases are hollow promises; there is no guarantee that you will marry-- singleness may be God's ultimate plan.
So yes, as one who has fallen through the cracks of most churches because I'm no longer in college and not married, I would appreciate a cessation of cliches that leave me feeling guilty, lied to, or inadequate.
19. Scott said the following at 2:36 PM on Jul 8:
This is going to hit like 150 posts so fast.
Actually, Will (#6), your comment is one of those things that can become a phrase guys hate to hear. I agree with you that the man is seeking out a wife, and that the man initiates- but sometimes mentioning that can certainly become "oh, you're just not trying hard enough".
There are guys who are trying, putting themselves out there, and are coming up empty for whatever reason (one of my friends is definately in this category!). Hearing stuff like your statement, while well-intentioned, can become grating as the mindset goes "oh, I'm obviously not doing enough because otherwise I'd be married by now".
I agree there are guys who need that kick in the pants, but a big lesson to be learned here is that one needs to handle truth wisely. A lot of the statements up top are true, and are absolutely amazing truths, but if one wields and dispenses them like a cudgel to people (especially if you really haven't taken the time to know what that person is going through), you wind up doing way more harm than good.
That's my pet peeve.
20. Elisabeth said the following at 2:36 PM on Jul 8:
I agree with Tami. How do these people know that it will happen? How do they know there is a man out there for me? So I agree with your friend that this site can be depressing and frustrating to singles sometimes. However, you do encourage us as singles to get involved in church and serving the Lord, which I believe is what God would have us do right now. So it kind of goes both ways for me. But the clichés can be painful even still.
I'm sure you haven't heard this one before. My grandma is always...ALWAYS...telling me that Prince Charming is just getting his foot in the saddle. He still has to swing his other leg over before he can come get me. Another really encouraging one. haha
21. IMO said the following at 2:41 PM on Jul 8:
If somebody's telling you something you are tired of hearing, then ask them to stop.
22. FutureMrsLarijani said the following at 2:53 PM on Jul 8:
Even though I'm engaged, I don't want to hear any of those statements ever again.
Too often all of those are said dismissively. People are trying to be helpful and make the pain of loneliness go away. I've been warned over and over and over again that no marriage is better than a bad marriage. I'll agree with that one.
If there is a piece of advice I would give it would be warnings of a bad marriage. If I'm ever in a position to give single/unattached people advise it would be:
"What kind of marriage do you want? Can you accept that maybe you aren't ready yet, even though you may feel differently? There is truth to 'there is always room for improvement'. Even if you are a well-functioning, mature Christian, there is still room for improvement because we aren't in heaven yet. Married people don't have it all together and shame on them if they lead you to believe otherwise. Focus on living a lifestyle of repentance and continue cultivating a forgiving spirit. These sorts of things can't ever be 'too good' on this side of heaven. I can't guarantee that you will ever find a spouse. Even if you do, you still need to repentant and forgiving Christian. A spouse is not sign and seal of your salvation. They are a gift, certainly, but they aren't proof that you're an heir to the kingdom."
I refuse to participate in the propagation of pithy, Christian sayings.
23. Laura said the following at 2:56 PM on Jul 8:
YES! One of my favorites: After people ask you if you are seeing any one (which suggests to me that I am running out of time), and you respond in the negative, they quickly say, "Don't worry--you have plenty of time!"
Most people who ask are concerned in my life, but I really don't want another platitude to add to the pile of pat answers for being single.
24. Rachael said the following at 3:02 PM on Jul 8:
I think for any single or married person, "You need to be content with just God" sounds nice. Though perhaps it should be expanded a little 'content with Him, where He's put you, following Him'...
The problem is putting it into practice.
25. NeedACatchyName said the following at 3:08 PM on Jul 8:
How about some variation of the single guys are trying to avoid or delay marriage and just want to enjoy being single/single girls want to get married immediately and obsess about it constantly theme? This one is especially tiresome since most of my single male friends generally would like to find someone to marry sooner rather than later, while most of female friends are quite content being single right now and aren't interested in being in a relationship*.
* And yes, I realize that just because this is the case for me doesn't make it the case for everyone.
26. Rachael said the following at 3:10 PM on Jul 8:
I'm not single, but it doesn't matter. The phrases
"Don’t worry, God is in control"
"God has a plan for you"
Are good, I think. God IS ultimately in control. We have trials no matter what our marital status is. But God is in control.
But of course even knowing that the worries still come. Perhaps if someone were to give advice such as the above it could be nice if the person could also advice (from personal experience with Scripture and prayer or whatever) on how to deal with worry.
27. Rachael said the following at 3:16 PM on Jul 8:
And yet another brief comment.
I can identify with getting unwanted advice, and likely I've given it on this forum.
Perhaps when we are in situations when we're given advice or encouraged or made to deal with the situation in certain ways we should just accept it, even if we don't agree.
Maybe we can take those situations as kind-of character challenges...how will I react externally or internally? How can I honor God through my reaction?
Just words...but something I hope will grow into practice in me.
28. Krissie said the following at 3:26 PM on Jul 8:
I think the problem with most of those statements, is they are in some way judgmental. There's an assumption that the person isn't content, isn't trying (or putting themselves out there), isn't spiritually mature enough, etc. etc.
I agree with the person who suggested that we think of those statements in light of saying them to a married couple experiencing infertility.
There may be some truth in some of those statements for some of us, but honestly, only my closest friends have the right to speak that kind of truth into my life when they feel it's necessary, because 1) they know me well enough to know if it applies, and 2) they've proven that they love me regardless. Here on the blog, or in any generic conversation, it just comes off as uncaring and dismissive.
And another thing to add to the list, on a similar but different page. I'm turned off by posts that start with - "I was talking to my wife/husband..." - it's like throwing up a BIG RED FLAG that says, this person can't really relate to being single.
29. Heidi said the following at 3:26 PM on Jul 8:
I personally find unsolicited "words of wisdom" such as the above non-beneficial, unless it is a friend/mentor/etc who feels specifically led to make some sort of comment or address an issue of possible sin surrounding my attitude or action towards singleness.
Otherwise my heart attitude towards the comment is, "Thank you for giving me your best shot at helping, but could I please join the crowd as another regular human being now rather than a 'single'?"
30. jeanette said the following at 3:38 PM on Jul 8:
I think cliches should be avoided as much as possible in any type of discussion, whether about singleness or about getting a pet. The gift of words is what distinguishes us from quadrupeds -- we should use it in all its glory! :)
The Line delivers dependable content and if I'm in a "I don't want to hear about being single" mood, I won't read certain articles. I don't necessarily think this is bad, either for the reader or for Boundless. But the truth is, it's usually the truth that I don't want to hear. The most banal article, chock full of cliches (and truth), can be epiphanic for me if my heart is ready for it.
31. Cresanna said the following at 3:51 PM on Jul 8:
This might be a little off-topic, but I want to agree with Jonathan who said that married couples could be a help to singles by hosting groups or Bible studies that aren't 'couples only'. I go to a large church with many singles, but I've found it can be a challenge to get to know other singles. We need safe opportunities in groups to become comfortable with one another. Formal "singles groups" can be really awkward - I tend not to go because I'd rather not be hit on by 50 year old men (I'm 31). I would love an opportunity to get to know some of the guys in my church in a casual setting ... a bbq or playing card games or whatever, hosted by a married couple or with a mixed group of singles and couples.
32. Anya said the following at 3:55 PM on Jul 8:
Be thankful that someone cares about you enough to give you advice at all. The best advice is sometimes what you do not want to hear, so get over it and listen.
33. Jeremy said the following at 4:02 PM on Jul 8:
This might not quite count, but I am made a little tired / disturbed by the common (intentional?) misinterpretation of Proverbs 18:22:
The "find" in that passage pretty clearly has the feel of discovery rather than quest. It is disconcerting that it is so often used to justify an almost frantic pursuit of marriage, while much clearer verses are often ignored, like 1 Corinthians 7:27:
34. Jeni said the following at 4:13 PM on Jul 8:
I think that those who use these cliches are truly trying to encourage to whom they say them. They just don't know what else to say. Everytime I hear this encouragement, I try to remember that. I certianly have a hard time knowing what to say to the surviving family members of a loved one who died. People say tactless, hurtful things all of the time without meaning to.
Even in recognizing that these phrases are meant to be encouraging, I find myself annoyed by the above mentioned cliches. The most annoying ones are those that imply that because I'm still single, I'm somehow lacking in my spiritual life and those who are married have reached some level of perfection in their walk with Christ.
For example:
You need to be content with just God - I'm just not convinced that every married person was/is "content with just God".
You’re obviously not satisfied with God - Again, I'm not convinced that all married people are satisified with God.
You need to put yourself out there more/get involved - Um, I know a whole lot of "out there/involved" single people
You need to put your faith in God - Since I'm a Christian, my faith IS in God.
Those are the phrases that really get under my skin.
35. justice said the following at 4:26 PM on Jul 8:
I think pretending to be 'content being single' is sometimes an attempt in manipulating God into giving you someone. And in that way, its like you are trying to earn something from God, which doesnt work.
36. Candice Watters said the following at 4:28 PM on Jul 8:
TJ: I'm guessing your friend doesn't read The Line as much as she does. Other than "You need to put yourself out there more/get involved" and "Most people are waiting till their 30s today," the sentiments in her list are the exact opposite of what we're all about here. Am I missing something?
37. BDB said the following at 4:43 PM on Jul 8:
Here's the one we should be hearing more of:
When you pray about marriage, what is God telling you to do specifically?
This does several things:
1) If they're complaining instead of praying, that can be convicting. Start with prayer.
2) It gets people off the focus on what they want and towards considering what God wants. Sometimes we want things that aren't good for us.
3) Sometimes God will nudge them towards and area of selfishness or sin that needs to be addressed, and they've delayed obedience.
4) Sometimes God will provide opportunities to challenge what someone is "looking for," such as a happily married couple telling their story without being asked - and shaking up one's categories.
5) It's possible for God to point out someone's good qualities that have been overlooked. Such as those who need to learn to look for kindness before appearance.
6) If someone DOES have something specific, the person asking the question can stay alert for that. For example, for someone who feels a call to full-time overseas missions, they can keep their eyes open for someone of the opposite gender who acknowledges a similar call. This may also prevent unfortunate introductions, such as introducing a person who wants to serve the poor to someone who believes tithing is stupid, they prefer their Lexus.
38. BDB said the following at 4:53 PM on Jul 8:
IMO (#21) wrote:
>>If somebody's telling you something you are tired of hearing, then ask them to stop. <<
Ha ha! That sounds like a married person who took one of those communicating boundaries classes at church!
Yes, single people create all sorts of grief for themselves by customizing boundaries in their head, then getting angry and upset that another person wasn't telepathic enough to know that's where they set their boundary.
It might be a valid boundary, it might be a dysfunctional boundary, but either way, it's unfair to expect others to be telepathic. That only works in Science Fiction.
39. Tami said the following at 5:07 PM on Jul 8:
But this is the issue: Are such statements really *advice* per post 32's assumption? Or are they merely words spoken because someone doesn't know what else to say? (Even so, in and of themselves, such things are not necessarily malicious.)
To my mind, actual helpful advice has a practical element, a la "I recommend doing [xyz]. That's how I met my husband." or "Here are some tips for how to interact with men/women you might be interested in..." For example, several years ago I had a coworker recommend that I go to seminary to meet someone. :)
And advice is generally tailored to its recipient. Not something vague you hear over and over again, like "When you stop looking, you'll find him/her."
You might still disagree with the advice, but (in general) you probably walk away feeling like hey, the person wanted to help. As in the case of the advice I recieved, I didn't really think going to seminary was the answer for me (and from what I can tell, it's mostly married men in those classes anyway). But I appreciated that she at least took the time to think of something that made some sort of sense related to who I am personally.
40. Last One Home said the following at 5:23 PM on Jul 8:
Now that I am on the not-so-single side of this whole thing, it struck me as really odd when my best friend said "Eventually, if the right men are not asking, i'm just going to marry an unbeliever because I just want to be MARRIED that bad".... it just seemed weird because to me, finding a mate is pre-determined. They are out there. You can't not find them. I "found" the man I hope will shortly be my husband at my mom's kitchen table, helping my sister with statistics.
So as worn and tired as all the phrases are... well they render themselves true at some point, right?
But I hate hearing them, and I hate saying them, so then how do we encourage one another if the truth seems meaningless?
41. ayako said the following at 6:03 PM on Jul 8:
Anya (32), to some degree I agree with you. I know it's a blessing to have people who can acknowledge me and tell me that they care (at some level).
But it's not about "getting over" it.
Just like Kaj said, they would be very sensitive around couples who are struggling with infertility. We assume God'll give us babies, but that's not guarantee - and marriage is not guarantee either. We'd never say to infertile couples to "just get over it".
If they stop for one second before they speak those "same-old" advises/attempt-to-comfort words, (often spoken carelessly) we might have a better community and less hearts that sink.
42. Ariana said the following at 6:05 PM on Jul 8:
I think the reason why these phrases are frustrating to singles is because none of them offers the real answer. At the end of the day, neither you, me or anyone else can really answer the question: "Why is this person still single?" Those phrases act like there's a simple answer when there really isn't one. Who knows why some people are still single at later ages or have never found love? It could be them, their character/personality/choices, could be circumstantial, could be God's will, who knows, could be spiritual warefare or a Job-like test. And it could just be plumb happenstance.
I think what people talking to singles should embrace is their ignorance of the why of this person's current situation and ignorance of their future. The answer to the single person's hurting heart is the same as that to any person's hurting heart: "Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you."
We have to have faith enough to say, "Hey, I don't know why I'm still single. I don't know why I have this hurt. I'm praying and doing my best to change the situation, but whatever may come I'm going to continue to take up my cross daily and follow Him" without regard to what may or may not happen in the future.
The only time I get tired of Boundless' single talk is when I read so much that I start thinking I actually have control over the situation and that if I just did x,y, or z I wouldn't feel bad anymore about being single, or I would suddenly find a spouse.
The only answer to singles is to keep following God, whether it hurts or doesn't hurt, makes sense or doesn't make sense. That's what walking in faith is about. Not being caught up in our own expectations of what will/should happen, but to simply follow and obey.
43. a sassy sister said the following at 6:32 PM on Jul 8:
to comment #32:
I am grateful for friends and family (who know me and have a relationship with me) who give me advice. However, please know that the tone of your comment is the very justification and excuse used for singles to withdraw from community with families and married couples. I don't for a second presume to think I know everything because I'm a single; it would be nice for marrieds to stop presuming that their changed marital status somehow gives them license to start treating the singles in their midst like something to be fixed.
I am not assuming that you do such things. But please remember that by telling us to simply "get over it" only makes matters worse and makes it seem as if singleness is a problem that lies on the shoulders of singles alone. Would you tell a couple who struggles with infertility to "get over it?" Would you tell someone that is grieving the loss of a friend or family member to "get over it"? I think not(rather, I hope not).
I am grateful for many things. And in response to your comment, I grateful that because of Christ, I can choose to be slow to take offense. I pray that you can do the same when dealing with singles, and that you are rooted and grounded in the love of God when you do so.
44. Laura said the following at 6:32 PM on Jul 8:
I'm saving this list and carrying an outburst buzzer along with me to any future church functions.
What I really need to know it that Singleness is not < Marriage.
I need authentic community.
I need to grow personally not to win myself a mate but to be a closer likeness to Jesus. To live a life a of meaning and radically active faith.
45. Thomas Jeffries said the following at 6:35 PM on Jul 8:
Candice brings up a good point -- and a corresponding need for clarification. I certainly did not mean to imply that my coworker had read all those phrases on Boundless -- and definitely not from the regular authors (I can't say for sure that such sentiments have never shown up in the comments). Indeed, I've challenged some of these sentiments myself.
My guess is that her e-mail to me represented but a sampling of the well-meaning advice and suggestions she's no doubt heard over the years as a single Christian female closing in on age 30. I simply reprinted her frustration almost verbatim.
Now, do I believe that Scripture tells us to not worry, that God is in control, that He has a plan for our lives and that we need to have faith in this plan? Absolutely. Do I believe that knowing these truths is enough to relieve the hurt of loneliness and waiting that many singles experience?
We all know it's not that simple.
46. Ariana said the following at 6:41 PM on Jul 8:
I agree with NeedACatchyName #25. The implication that most men in their 20s are avoiding marriage out of selfishness/immaturity does get tiresome, and I'm not even a guy. As a woman I also don't appreciate the implication that if I am career-oriented then I must not be preparing myself to be a godly wife and mother.
The Lord does genuinely have different plans for different people that vary according to the gifts and calling He has placed in them. When I was 20 in college, oh how I wanted to get married young. A handful of years later I see that now is simply not the time. Yes, some people are rightly discerning that it would be better for them to wait for marriage.
There's a 2-edged sword here. If you're content with your singleness and not seeking marriage actively at the moment, you're being immature. But if you actually start desiring marriage and feel hurt over it, you need to learn to be content with your single state.
I think in general the judgments about where single people's hearts are is unnecessary.
47. KJ said the following at 7:24 PM on Jul 8:
Cliches I'd rather never hear again?
How about "If you're single and you aren't 100% sure you have the God-given gift of life-long celibacy, and you're not actively seeking to get married ASAP, you're sinning."
Or "A woman's fertility peaks at 25, and after that it gets harder every year to conceive." (Oh no! Does God know about this trend?)
And the contradiction of of these: "You just need to be content - contentment with your current situation throws off a good vibe b/c guys don't want a desperate girl" and "You shouldn't express contentment with being single, because it makes guys complacent."
Sadly, I have encountered most of these here at Boundless or on other Focus sites.
48. Saidahwk said the following at 7:37 PM on Jul 8:
Oh, you guys should hear the annoying things people tell you when you can't get pregnant/have a miscarriage.... Basically the same list along with long, sad looks....
49. meg said the following at 8:05 PM on Jul 8:
Chelsey- Thank you for the article you posted! (#11) SO encouraging.
I'll echo some of the other comments- often what is most encouraging is to have people
-Listen
-Acknowledge that it can be hard sometimes
-Pray
-Affirm that being single is not a station of lesser value
-Share in the excitement of what God is doing in my life, even when it looks a lot different from their journey
Some boundless posts share great encouragement regarding the last two, but at times I do need to hear the old platitudes. I think we usually know what we need to hear, so we also need to discern and remember where (or who) to go to hear it. *bookmarks above link*
50. gwyneth said the following at 8:33 PM on Jul 8:
my (married with babies) friend just told me i needed to come read this and respond...heh.
i'm nearly 29, single, and the only single person in my general network. which is AWESOME!
wait.
no.
1. online dating may or may not be healthy, but there was an obnoxious (but i guess not entirely unbalanced) boundless article about how it's really not the BEST way to find someone. ok, fine...sure, not many ppl would CHOOSE that, but...no one's got anyone to set me up with. i have at least 3 friends who all met their spouses on eharmony, and they are incredibly compatible and some even said they wouldn't change that. they were on the same page from day 1. i think it depends largely on your emotional health and frame of mind and expectations. and there will be different challenges associated w/ meeting someone on the internet that you won't have w/ someone you meet in person...but there are challenges from meeting someone in person that you don't get from internet dating.
2. the most comforting thing my friends say to me when i am feeling low about being single and not terribly happy about it (despite really having a pretty fantastic life) is: i will pray for you. they believe in me. they think i'm fantastic, and they want me to meet the guy that's going to appreciate me in all of my aforementioned fantasticness...and knowing that they're in my corner asking the Lord to hasten his arrival...counts for a LOT.
51. Joanna said the following at 8:46 PM on Jul 8:
The one that annoys me is "singleness is a gift." I know that is biblical, but when you feel like you are not gifted that way and despair the possibility of lifelong singleness that sounds more like a cruel taunt.
52. abby said the following at 9:12 PM on Jul 8:
i agree especially with the "just settle" statement as something i don't particularily want to hear. I have reeeeeally tried to settle for someone i'm not quite attracted to. i read every single article about it, but when it came down to it i just couldn't do it, even if he did have ALL 4 MUST HAVES.
53. Kelly said the following at 9:25 PM on Jul 8:
You know what I'm tired of? "You're the single one, you can do it!"
Okay, yes, it's easier for me to take Grandma shopping since I don't have a tribe of my own kids to look after. But you know what? All of those extra tasks/jobs/whatever that people keep giving me are ACTIVELY PREVENTING me from finding a mate. (Because I'm surrounded by the same subset of family/church rather than meeting new people.)
I'm sure that babysitting every Friday night is very detrimental to my meeting of potential husbands....
And all of this is on top of working full time and maintaining a household on my own. (Yes, I know, parents never get a break either. But you know, they get the joy that comes with spouse/children that is supposed to make up for it!)
54. NateT said the following at 9:36 PM on Jul 8:
Don’t forget about “your not praying hard enough”.
55. Lauren J said the following at 10:15 PM on Jul 8:
#19 scott
right on, man! this is something i have been thinking about a lot recently in a variety of contexts - wisdom isn't just knowing truth, but know how to apply it to specific situations.
the book of proverbs speaks to this, most obviously in the juxtaposition of proverbs 26:4 and 26:5 - "answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself. answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes." CONTEXT is key. that is why knowing a person is often necessary before you can effectively speak to them.
what often seems to happen to us single folk is that people take what is true (at least on some level - like it's true that SOME guys want to play and not grow up) and slap it on us like a bandaid. but it may not be true of us, or it may not be what we need to hear. answers that are pat are not typically very helpful, even if they are true.
this is why listening is good. :)
56. Ted Slater said the following at 11:06 PM on Jul 8:
gwyneth (#50), you wrote that "there was an obnoxious (but i guess not entirely unbalanced) boundless article about how it's really not the BEST way to find someone."
Which article was that? Are you thinking of "Browsing for a Mate," or something else? I've re-read it; I'd be interested in hearing what you found obnoxious about it.
For the record, we think the idea of "agency," or soliciting help from others (parents, friends, mentors, online matchmaking sites, etc.), is just fine.
57. Autumn said the following at 12:00 AM on Jul 9:
NateT (#54) you beat me to it! :P I was speaking with an elderly woman after church one Sunday and the topic of my singleness came up. Her initial encouragement for my desire to be married was "Don't worry, you're young and you have plenty of time". Then after revealing my age (pushing 30), she looks shocked and says, "I thought you were about 20, you look so young. Well...just pray harder."
If only she knew....
58. Charlotte C. said the following at 12:22 AM on Jul 9:
I agree with Tami's comment. Not all of those points are entirely true but some are on the spot.
I have a few single friends who do not want to be told how single they are. They make up excuses for why they are in the situation or avoid it altogether but rarely they do something about it. (I'm not saying this applies to all single people. :D) I guess culture makes it seem as though all singles are somehow loners.
But in the end, I guess, it all comes down to how we are cultivating ourselves in Christ. Are we preparing ourselves and our hearts for the duty of marriage? Are we loving God with all our heart and all our strength and all our might? Getting involved and active in the church helps as well as prayer because prayer is so important! But it's the faith and devotion to the Lord that's the most important. :)
59. BDB said the following at 12:35 AM on Jul 9:
Speaking of random conversations, another one happened tonight at a church potluck. Two of the couples started talking about how they met - specifically, how they had abolutely no intention of ever dating the other and yet spent many hours in deep conversations.
So these couples, successfully married more than 20 years, broke two of the rules often suggested in Boundless articles:
1) They were not at all intentional i the beginning.
2) They spent lots of time alone talking without being intentional.
And yet, it was a successful path to marriage.
This is why I like Elisabeth Elliot's "hands off and clothes on" rule: it allows for extended private conversation while minimizing the risk of falling into sin. Especially if you're both sober.
60. Nicole said the following at 1:05 AM on Jul 9:
My apologies if this is repetitious.
I dislike hearing
"You're still young"
"When you let go, stop looking, you'll find him"
"Maybe you're just too picky"
"Are you too picky"
"You could have anyone you want I'm sure you get asked all the time" (no I don't) ..insinuating maybe that I turn all these prospects down
"I remember that feeling, it's funny how things look when you're married and on the otherside"
"You have plenty of time"
"Are you married yet? Why not?"... really ... do I know the answer?
"It's just not the right time"
"I remember when..."
61. S said the following at 5:05 AM on Jul 9:
I'm tired of the comments that insist I'm single because I am putting my career instead of "finding a man." Oh, and the ones that constantly remind me that my eggs are drying up as we speak. Perfectly aware of the biology of the situation, thank you very much.
62. obewan said the following at 6:35 AM on Jul 9:
#31. Cresanna said the following at 3:51 PM on Jul 8
Formal "singles groups" can be really awkward - I tend not to go because I'd rather not be hit on by 50-year-old men (I'm 31).
----------------------------------
I am sorry you have found that issue to be a problem. However, I will say this: part of being a single woman requires you do develop the skills to turn down unwanted offers from men of all ages. I suspect the real reason you are put off is because you find older men less attractive. Would you not be just as put off by a young man who was ugly, or a young man who was a "player"?
Unfortunately, you are only hurting yourself by not participating in a singles group. The many benefits would outweigh the downside in most cases.
And not all women feel as you do. There is a 34 year old woman in one of the singles groups I attend who is close buddies with a guy in the group in his early 50's. They may not be dating, but it is obvious she likes him. A lot has to do with how handsome a guy is too. I have seen younger women who enjoy flirting with very attractive older men, and yet are put off my less attractive younger men.
As an older guy, it is something I am sensitive to though. I never "hit" on women of any age since I think that is out of place for Christian singles groups. Then too, I do not develop romantic interests in women who are more than 15 years apart in age, and really prefer women less than 10 years apart from my age. And, I am even open to the idea of older women. And yes, the older women at church “hit” on me all the time! I am not put off by it when they ask me out to a movie, or to go dancing, or to the ballgame. I take it for what it is, as a compliment, and will not sacrifice my other social opportunities just to avoid them.
Maybe the answer at your church is another singles group for ages 30-40 though. That is what they did at my church. We have groups for ages 18-30, 30-40, and 40 to retirement.
63. Lucie said the following at 8:42 AM on Jul 9:
While I've also heard the cliches, a couple of people were prone to ask, on the somewhat rare occasions we met, if I was seeing anybody, followed by an expression of obvious disappointment when I responded in the negative - as if I had failed some kind of test. On another occasion, when I was still in my teens, I commented to my grandmother that I "might never get married," which resulted in a look of wide-eyed astonishment and the response, "Of COURSE you'll get married!" I think part of that was simply generational. Many years later, my grandmother commented to my mother that she and her brother were "so lucky to have these children" (they each had a son and daughter), adding "But you and [my uncle] got married right out of college." My mom responded that that was what people did back then.
On still another occasion, my mother told me not to worry, that "I WILL rock your daughter. Just don't wait until you're 40 to have a baby. It's not healthy to have a baby after 40." I chuckled, but I'm just a year away from 50 now, never married and childless.
Personally, I'm curious to know if anyone else has gone for two decades or more (as I have) without hearing any of these cliches. In other words, no one asks you anymore if you're seeing anyone, etc. I sometimes wonder if they simply got so used to me being single that there was no reason to expect I'd ever be otherwise? I haven't even had anyone try to set me up for over a decade. It's not that it hurts me, but over the years I couldn't help wondering if the reason was simply that they considered me "undateable."
64. kaj said the following at 9:43 AM on Jul 9:
How about this time, some phrases we singles would RATHER hear instead?
For example:
- You sound a little lonely. Care to join me for lunch/dinner/ice cream/coffee?
- Would you like for me to pray with you about this?
- I'm sorry that finding the "right person" is taking longer than you expected. That sounds frustrating, especially when you see many of your friends/classmates dating or getting married.
- I'm proud of you for your high standards and not compromising, even though they may not make finding a mate any easier.
Anyone else care to share what they'd rather hear, as alternatives to the clichés we've already mentioned?
65. Tami said the following at 10:56 AM on Jul 9:
Amen, kaj (64)! :) Those things (or similar variants) are things people have said to me, and I much appreciate them. They've inspired me to do similar things for others.
One of the most encouraging things that some people have done for me is to get me involved in a variety of ministries "even though" I'm not married. It's nice to be able to use my gifts among unmarried *and* married people, without having the label of "single" attached. Sticking people in the "singles mushpot" is one of the most discouraging things I see happening in churches. And it happens to widows, too.
66. Tami said the following at 11:03 AM on Jul 9:
Hmm, looking at my comment, I wanted to explain the "even though."
I mean that in a positive way. People don't look at me as "the unmarried one". I am able to teach, lead, and serve in a variety of ministries at my church, and my unmarried status is not a hindrance. I know, in other churches, I would never have the opportunity to do what I do, because those types of things are presumed to be "for marrieds only". And for that, I'm grateful.
67. Megan said the following at 12:19 PM on Jul 9:
Will (#6): Thank you for saying that.
Jonathan (#9): I agree that "grown-ups" should include singles in their activities. My previous church had a problem getting singles involved in church roles. I wonder why?
Stuff like this (this topic along with a few others) leave an incredibly bad taste in my mouth. It's a lot of mediocre defense; I guess what I mean is: I think this article is very egocentric.
How does the responder feel in a situation like that? Do they just not know what to say? How many times in a day do we respond the same way in other situations when we don't know what to say?
I agree it's a bit annoying to hear these commonplace responses, but we're (yes, me included) sitting here complaining about something that, at the end of the day ;-), is really unimportant.
If you bring up the fact you are single, then the other person's response is warranted. On the other hand, if you didn't bring up the fact you're single then that may be the time to say, "I appreciate your [advice, answer, etc]" but I'm really not thinking about the fact that I'm single."
My 34 year-old single guy friend told me he had an older woman approach him at church and say, "I'm still praying that you'll get a Barbie," in a very unhelpful way. After I finished laughing, he said he responded somewhat like this: "I don't need for you to pray that I'll end up with a Barbie." Definitely an uncomfortable situation, and I can definitely appreciate his respectful response.
Where's the happy medium? The most appropriate response from someone who might not know what to say to a single person? "I'm sorry to hear that you're single?" Personally, hearing someone say, "Well, you'll get married. You're a beautiful Christian woman whose got a lot of life," is rather encouraging. I'm not going to hold it against someone if they tell me, "Don't worry, God is in control."
I think this article is not needed because it's causing all of us to sit around and feel like every married person is trite in their response to us single folks.
68. Dan (real name) said the following at 1:46 PM on Jul 9:
I am involved in a small group who's focus is absolutely independent of marital status - our group is focused upon serving the needy. We are made up of single and married people.
Soon after joining this group I decided to make a move to another city due to a job relocation. The gentleman who is the leader of the group, as we were talking privately about my relocation and some of the stresses involved, said to me that there were plenty of single women available in the town I was moving to. He didn't say this condescendingly or as advice, but he just knew that I was desiring a wife, and that is all he said to me. This was ENCOURAGING to me because he didn't give me all the tired lines and cliches that us single are bored with and sick of hearing (see all the previous comments above).
Here is my 2 cents and if anyone would like to pick up on it, wonderful:
Just because you can say something doesn't mean you should.
We singles are tired of unhelpful advice, contradictory counsel from books written from equally qualified authors, and constant blaming of one sex or the other over the lack of a spouse.
There is a time to give advice, and a time to keep silent. There is a time to speak up, and a time to listen. Instead of subjecting us single people to ill-timed advice or judgmental words, how about affording us the grace and blessing of a listening ear or an ENCOURAGING word?
(this applies to those who want children as well).
69. Liz said the following at 2:19 PM on Jul 9:
This article made me smile--it's funny to hear the rants of others, and even though I love Boundless, I can relate to some of it!
I'm single, but I would imagine that there are married people out there who feel the same about this:
Every time I hear sexual impurity compared to a used toothbrush, un-sticky duct tape, candy in the street or a ripped-open, poorly wrapped present, it really upsets me.
Sexual sin IS sin, and it's important to talk about it but (to state the obvious) human beings are NOT toothbrushes, tape or any other inanimate object. Human sexuality is unique and complicated and to reduce it to a dumbed-down question like "Would you rather brush your teeth with a dirty, used toothbrush or a nice, shiny unopened one?" isn't helpful to anyone, particularly someone who has sinned sexually in the past but who has chosen to regain purity through God.
70. Tamara (from Canada) said the following at 4:14 PM on Jul 9:
#64 kaj says:
"How about this time, some phrases we sinlges would RATHER hear instead?"
--------------------------------------
This reminded me of a conversation I had with an older lady on my street who my rommates and I have been getting to know and have been helping with yard work, etc. The other night on the way home from a walk she was in the yard so we stopped to say hi and chat for a bit. Somehow the conversation got on to the topic of marriage and singleness. She said some words that were encouraging to hear: "Singlehood is not a curse." She didn't say marriage was awful or anything of the like, but she also didn't make us feel like something was wrong with us because we (my roomates and I) are in our mid-20s and still single. I think sometimes we need that reminder too - that being single isn't a curse and we can still live life to the full and look forward to marriage one day without feeling like our still being single is wrong or a bad thing.
71. Jo said the following at 9:39 AM on Jul 10:
Things we'd rather hear instead:
There's a lovely Scottish lady at my church who's in her late 60s, and I know that she's actively praying for me to find a good husband. I find it hugely encouraging.
For a start it's nice that she recognises it's something I might like prayer for, even though I've never asked her. And it's also nice that she's not doing it because she thinks my life as a single person must be awful, or because she thinks I ought to be married by now - she simply wants me to be blessed.
When she talks to me about it she's so enthusiastic - she's like a child saying "I asked Daddy to give you this lovely present and I can't wait to see what he comes up with!!". So all the worries that it might never happen for me get squashed by the exciting thought that God really likes me and has good things in mind for me, just like this lady does.
72. J. said the following at 3:52 PM on Jul 10:
“I don’t know, try eating chocolate cake.”
--Rev. Ed Young of Fellowship Church, Grapevine, TX, on what singles should do because they can't reap the benefits of married sex
Apparently his church has a singles ministry. I can't imagine his remark did much to improve the morale of the group, though.
73. Tami said the following at 4:50 PM on Jul 10:
J. (72) -- re: Young's statement -- WOW. That is fantastically unhelpful. Takes the cake :P
Seriously, it's especially unhelpful, because "eating chocolate cake" affords none of the emotional, spiritual, mental, or physical benefit of *any* relationship (let alone the marital one!). Dare I say, it's bordering on unhealthy to say "attempt to sublimate your desire with eating" (or shopping, or whatever). Not to mention, the frustrating dismissiveness behind it.
Not that eating chocolate cake is not enjoyable. :) But it's most definitely not a relationship. I would have preferred he said, "pray." At least I'm interacting with the Almighty God!
74. Ann I. B. said the following at 2:16 AM on Jul 12:
As with any HOW TO resource, after a while the reader will start to see the same advice. This is perfectly fine because the resource helps all of the new readers out there who haven't read these concepts before.
What a person can do is step away from Resource A for a while and read something else, and go back to A at a later date, hopefully with a fresh pair of eyes.
75. gwyn said the following at 2:03 PM on Jul 21:
re: comment 56
i just reread the article, too (yes, that is the one to which i was referring.) i don't know that i can put my finger on a specific phrase that made it feel obnoxious to me.
like i said, it was balanced and very careful to present both sides as viable approaches.
it was more the tone of the article...like...yeah, ok, this can work, but it's not the BEST way. there was a vibe of "the best way is to have someone in your community introduce you to someone so you can find love the old-fashioned way." and perhaps i'm reading into it because that is my ideal but is NOT happening in my life at all.
but candice believes that her story is wonderful and something to be emulated and therefore (probably unintentionally) the slant of the article is that finding someone online is a last ditch resort...if you've exhausted the "best way". it felt a little judgmental...that's why it rubbed me the wrong way.