Take Care of Your Parents
by Motte Brown on 07/07/2009 at 4:53 PM
Many of you reading this blog are coming of age where decisions about caring for a debilitated parent or grandparent have become a reality. In the face of such trials, Mollie Ziegler Hemingway writing for Christianity Today challenges us to be unwavering as we seek to honor our parents:
The generations handling care for dying parents are facing something their ancestors never did. They're part of smaller and less-stable extended families. They're less likely to live near their parents—sometimes they are thousands of miles away. And the amount of time spent caring for elderly family members can extend from a few tough years to many difficult decades. Even the strongest families will be stretched to the limit when attempting to fulfill the commandment to honor one's parents. So what do you do?
You take care of your parents.
Hemingway advises us to "think scripturally" when caring for the aged:
- If your parents are Christians, help them plan their funeral so that it's the clearest possible testimony to Christ's crucifixion, resurrection, and return. What's more important: that the people gathered learn about that time your dad took you camping and told a good joke, or about the forgiveness of sins?
- Make sure your parents have simple prayers for comfort during painful and difficult deaths. One pastor reported that a parishioner facing lung cancer prayed, over and over, "Lord, have mercy; Christ, have mercy; Lord, have mercy." Another person learned Psalm 23 so well that it became part of her vocabulary; she could go to it even when it was difficult to concentrate on other things.
- Keep in mind the value of the individual. Christians believe that our worth begins in the womb, and doesn't end until we are cradled to our Father's bosom. When so many people determine worth based on what you can do or contribute, it becomes easy to disregard the elderly as useless. But it is our Father in heaven who determines who is worthy. One's identity isn't changed by illness.
My wife was just 28 years old when her mother was diagnosed with Early-onset Alzheimer's disease. In 2005, we moved to Colorado Springs from Washington D.C. to help care for her. As Ella has lost every sense of herself and others, this last truth from Hemingway, that one's identity isn't changed by illness, has been an effectual and sustaining truth as we seek to honor her.
Because even though she doesn't know who she is, her identity is safe with God.
1. J. Tucker said the following at 6:17 PM on Jul 7:
"Because even though she doesn't know who she is, her identity is safe with God."
Thank you for the encouraging words, Motte. Like your wife's mom, my mother was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's when I was 18. I haven't been on the front lines of her care as my sister and father have due to education and job location, but I hope and pray that I will be able to honor my father with similar care for him when the time comes.
2. DEH said the following at 8:49 PM on Jul 7:
Thanks for writing this. It's something that I think we young people need to remember when planning our futures.
Growing up, I watched my mother care for her cancer-striken mother followed by her grief-striken father, who struggled with Parkinson's Disease. I witnessed their father-daughter bond as she held his hand, as he reached out for one last connection to those he loved but must leave behind, as he held tight until Jesus called him home. Those months and days and moments made an indelible impact on my young life, and as I plan for the future, caring for both my and my husband's parents as they eventually grow frail and face death is something that is just a part of my plan. It will happen (assuming that they die of natural causes and that Lord willing I outlive them). And just as I have been ordering my life in a way that will be conducive to staying home with my future children, I have also sought to order my life in a way that will allow me to support, care for, honor, and return the love of the people who raised me and supported, cared for, and loved me and made me the woman I am today. It's a debt of gratitude that I owe them and one that I am willing to pay. It's the least I can do to honor my parents for everything they've given me.
I wish more young people were intentional about caring for their aging parents. In our worship of youth culture, we've definitely lost an important part of our heritage: our love and respect for the elderly, who, by their very presence if nothing else, still have much to teach us about life.
3. Lynne said the following at 9:11 PM on Jul 7:
Last fall my 76 year old mother fell while visiting relatives in another state. She broke both her legs and was close to bed-bound for approximately 2 months. She required 24-hour care. My sister and I live about an hour away, and we took turns spending the night down there for approximately 2 1/2 months before shifting to a couple of times a week for another month.
I can't express how difficult it was. I'd love to say that I handled it graciously, and grew much closer to my mother. Instead I'll say that God gave me the grace to get through it. There was nothing easy about it. My mother and I have very different personalities. We are not now closer than we've ever been, I did not decide to move closer.
However, here is what I did learn:
1. I love my kids so much, I really saw how my role works in our family.
2. I have a wonderful husband, who now understands the stories I tell about fights with my mom during my adolescence.
3. I have a wonderful sister. She is single and all my mom's old people friends expected her to move in. Just keep that in mind if you're the "single" one. She didn't.
4. 90 minutes one way is WAY too long a commute.
5. Even though our relationship is sometimes strained, my mother and I did have some good moments. One was when I started "smoking." She was apologizing for being troublesome and I told her I had taken up a new coping mechanism. Then I pulled out those bubble-gum cigarettes and started puffing on one. She almost rose up and walked! Then she told me she would spank me when she could walk again.
6. It's just hard. You pray, you turn to God, friends and family for support. They help, but it's just hard.
Well, sorry I've rambled so long. This post just really struck a note for me. My husband and I have talked about the financial, family, and time sacrifices we've made in coping with that situation and some of the remaining limitations. It's not fun, but I'd do it again. It's really just shone us again, in small earthly ways, the enormity of God's love and sacrifice for us.
4. RMB said the following at 9:22 PM on Jul 7:
Thank you for highlighting this article. This is an issue many of us younger folks forget or avoid, but it is really important to contemplate as we are making plans for our adult lives. Even those of us with relatively young, healthy parents will likely need to take care of them at some point, and it's not too early to begin preparing for that. This is probably just as important and biblical as preparing to be parents ourselves.
5. Rachael Starke said the following at 9:33 PM on Jul 7:
I appreciated the article, and I hope there are a lot more like it. With the economy going down the drain, and healthcare costs rising all the time (especially when it comes to the last years or months of life), it's interesting that we take so much more about saving and planning for things like college than we do about the end of life.
But I also wish churches would do more to shepherd their older members by reminding them of their need to make their wishes known early and often. My husband's mother is almost funny about it - reminding us every time she visits about where all her papers for her last wishes are, and is even seriously talking about having the initials DNR tattooed on her person for her 78th birthday. We laugh, but it's actually a relief to know that she's got it all laid outl.
But my parents, on the other hand, hem and haw and even get offended when I ask them simple questions about whether or not they've made a will. They're also in their 70s, and my dad is even in the ministry, but somehow the notion that they are in their sunset years is offensive to them. I tell them over and over that this has absolutely zero to do with any concern over inheritance (if there's anything left over after estate taxes and funeral costs), and everything to do with being helpful and making our duty (which we believe is what God calls it) a joy, and not an inordinate burden. My husband is the only man in the family and already works really hard to provide for us. The thought of him having to wade through all the paperwork and tax problems becuase my parents have been poor stewards is really frustrating.
6. Rachael said the following at 9:55 PM on Jul 7:
That must be really hard to see a parent seem to change into a different person because of illness.
re: the first of Hemingway's suggestions posted here
-->it seems that learning about one's behavior on a camping trip and salvation wouldn't be mutually exclusive. I think it would be neat if both the message of salvation was clear but also if there were room for people to share their thoughts and memories of the person who passed away.
-->As for the second point. I'm not currently involved in scripture memorization, but, I think one of the many benefits of Scripture memorization could be to have the verses in the heart if one becomes unable to read in old age. And of course in the hopes that it might pop up in times of trial, etc.
7. Harma-Mae said the following at 10:38 PM on Jul 7:
So very true. I work in the hospital, and it is amazing to see how strong family support affects patients... there are some families that will have someone in with the patient almost every minute of the day. As Christians, we can really use these opportunities to witness to others through our actions to our parents.
8. obewan said the following at 5:57 AM on Jul 8:
Isn't expecting the child to move to be near the parent a bit unreasonable? Why not move the parent to be near the child?
I was living in Michigan while laid off and unemployed for 4 years just to be near my elderly mother. (Parts of Michigan have up to 18% unemployment).
I could not even find a job for $6 an hour to scrub toilets, and trust me I tried HARD. Finally, I was hired for 7 or 8 times that amount but had to move 1800 miles away to take the job.
I am not saying children should be selfish and put money before family, but we have to be realistic about where some careers might take people. Then too, I am in a highly specialized career where moving is almost mandatory to take a new position when laid off since jobs openings are so few.
Also, there are many good care homes. What good does it do to be "near" a parent if they have to be in a care home anyway? The only advantage I can see is more regular visits, which might keep them happier, but if they were younger, they would still miss their child in the same way.
It is a moot argument for singles that have to be at work every day. There is no way I could play nursing home nurse and be at my job too if I had to care for an invalid full time.
9. Lucie said the following at 7:27 AM on Jul 8:
Motte, I have some sense of what you and your wife have gone through. My mother was a caregiver for nearly a decade to her own mother, in the home that we share (three generations under one roof!). Even before my grandmother moved in with us, we took turns for a long time visiting her at her home every weekend to help care for her when her aides were off, or at hospitals and nursing homes where she had several stints. While Mom had outside help in our home, the burden of doing literally almost everything for my grandmother fell on her - and she in her late 60's and 70's. (I recall her once saying, "I never dreamed I'd be changing diapers at my age.") There were a lot of stresses and strains and difficulties, but Mom shouldered the burden with more foritude than I have ever believed myself capable of (helped in large part by her faith), and saved a lot of money by refusing to put Grandma in a nursing home. No one expected her to live to 97, which she did, but I am convinced it was precisely because she was cared for at home. In her final year hospice care enabled my mother to make it through those last months, and the dying process, which took five days, was incredibly difficult for her to witness (my brother and I work full-time, so we had only limited exposure to it), but in an odd and good way, also "educational" - and I will never forget the last night of Grandma's life, when Mom, my brother and I sat together in her room (she was unconscious at that point) and "went down memory lane" together, looking at old scrapbooks and family photos and letters. It was a very precious time, and Grandma passed quietly sometime after midnight that night. Almost a year later, I still get emotional when talking about it, although while living through those years, there were so many times (I say without pride, believe me!) that I wished God would simply take Grandma because her life was a burden to herself and so hard on Mom. Yet God provided through those years - in a decade Mom had no more illness than a single head cold, despite being exposed to sick people numerous times - and this was only once instance of His provision.
It's rough road to walk down, and I have a special empathy for those who do.
10. Sarah P. said the following at 7:48 AM on Jul 8:
Alzheimer's. What a sad and terrible thing. I am glad you are writing about this topic. At 25, I know little enough about my own health care, never mind what would be needed to care for an ailing parent (who, at least in my case, would share my distrust of most aspects of modern medicine). :P
11. P&P said the following at 7:57 AM on Jul 8:
I think this is a topic that should be covered in more detail, not only in this blog and in churches but also in community groups as well.
Young people (especially those with older parents i.e. people who had children in their late 30's and into their 40's) should be thinking about the reality of these situations as early as possible. It is painful and scary to discuss, but discussing them and getting things settled legally and emotionally before the inevitable occurrs is incredibly important.
These things include power of attorney, healthcare proxy (so the parents' wishes will be followed out) and the location of financial and personal documents (wills, house deeds, bank account numbers, family heirlooms like jewelry and photographs, etc.).
End of life decisions and funeral arrangements should also be detailed. It allows for the parents to have control over their lives and prevents family strife as well.
Finally, this is also something that adult children need to discuss with their spouse or fiancee. It's easy to say "lets live as far away from these people as possible" when everyone is still in good health but as a parent's health declines, even the most independent child can have a change of heart. Better to discuss the possiblity early than risk a divorce over fufilling a family obligation that was never considered.
12. Carl said the following at 11:35 AM on Jul 8:
Thank you for this blog. I would like to see Boundless do a few in-depth articles on the subject.
Two years ago I moved in with my grandfather after a decline in his health took him to where he could no longer care for himself.
It has been a challenge to say the least.
I'm not going to explain myself anymore (pulls hair out).
13. Loris said the following at 12:54 PM on Jul 8:
I'd like to see more on this too. My parents married late in life and I am the only child. Every year, my father has more dietary or other medical restrictions put on him and I see my mother's world closing in as his does. When one spouse is ill, both are. I doubt I'll have much to do with Dad's final care, but when he passes, I will ask my mother to sell her house and move nearby so we can have her help with any children we have, and be handy to take care of her if/when she needs us.
14. IMO said the following at 1:29 PM on Jul 8:
Carl,
Wow I can't even begin to imagine what a toll this is taking on you....Are you the only one taking care of your grandpa? Do you have a strong support system? Any resources to help you and your grandpa?
My aunt took care of my grandparents and it basically sucked the life out of her. We finally put our grandma in a nursing home, after her dementia got way out of control, for even my aunt to deal with...
15. Kellie said the following at 7:01 PM on Jul 8:
#8: Due to my grandma's poor health, my great-grandma was in a nursing home. My grandma visited her everyday, often bringing treats and/or grandchildren.
As someone who often works with elderly people, I know having family members near and willing is key in helping with recovery from illness and trying to keep a person as independent as possible longer.
16. obewan said the following at 6:06 AM on Jul 9:
My question on this is what does a family do when a parent refuses to move or sell their home?
My mother is 91, and getting so senile that she cannot manage her own finances like paying the electric bill monthly even!
She lives in a house, and is a burden to the neighbors who graciously mow the lawn and take care of snow removal for her - for free.
Two of us siblings live thousands of miles away, and one sibling lives near her in a tiny 1-bedroom apartment.
The sibling at home resents being "saddled" with mom's care and neglects her to the point of danger.
The other two siblings have offered to house and care for mom until she dies - all mom has to do is sell her house and move.
Mom refuses to sell her home and even simplify and move to a senior apartment or assisted living facility. She has high hopes that she will just experience sudden death while living at home.
I get to my wits end with every Sunday afternoon phone call too. It takes a lot of patience. Her memory is so bad that she literally repeats the same questions over and over again - at least 5-7 times each because she cannot remember the answers for even 3 minutes! (It can keep me on the phone repeating myself for up to an hour.)
17. Margaret said the following at 9:06 AM on Jul 9:
One thing to consider when asking an elderly parent or grandparent to move out of their house to be closer so you can take care of them at your convenience is how long they have lived in that place. It can be devestatingly traumatic and disorientating for an elderly person who has lived in the same home for decades to suddenly be uprooted, travel somewhere else (near or far), and expected to settle in a strange place. This is one of the reasons why elderly people who are moved into nursing homes for care often decline much more rapidly after their move.
18. Bri said the following at 10:21 AM on Jul 9:
I can definitely relate with the elderly relatives that are unwilling to consider moving out of their home. My grandparents live in a split level home where nothing is on the same floor. No bathrooms on the level with the kitchen and living room. Their health has really gone down in recent years. They have had back surgeries and problems with their balance that make stairs really dangerous but nothing can convince them to leave their house. I am afraid that it will take something terrible to convince them to move. My grandmother is very sensitive if the subject is even broached. How do you take care of them and ensure their safety without offending them?
19. Loris said the following at 2:55 PM on Jul 9:
I'm fortunate that my mother is sensible and brave enough to discuss these issues with me. She said herself that she will want to leave near me after she is widowed. My parents are not that old-mid sixties-but my dad's fragile health hastens those discussions. I feel for those trying to honor senile/forgetful parents and grandparents in extreme old age.