Secondhand Jesus: Episode 76
by Ashley Ramsey on 07/02/2009 at 3:16 PM
 iTunes | Listen Now/RS |
The Honeymooners -- 00:00
The Boundless team is pleased to announce Mr. and Mrs. Matt Tucker! Matt and Karen dropped by on their honeymoon. That, my friends, is dedication. Lisa, Steve, and I talk to the Tuckers about meeting online, long-distance dating, intentionality, and the maple goodies they brought us all the way from Nova Scotia.
Secondhand Jesus -- 28:49
Glenn Packiam is back in the studio to talk about his book Secondhand Jesus. Glenn says that often times we rely on the "experts" to give us the cliff's notes version of their journey with God instead of walking with Him ourselves. He brings us back to a middle ground of using "well worn paths but engaging them for ourselves."
Shift Work Struggles -- 46:03
She works the night shift and it makes her feel disconnected from her family, friends, and church. What's worse is that the schedule is really draining and she snaps at the people she loves. Candice sympathizes with her sleep deprivation and feeling disconnected but reminds her that there's no excuse for unkind behavior -- even if you do have a terrible schedule.
Thanks to Anna Gilbert our featured musical artist. I've enjoyed listening to her music today. I think you will too.
1. Dan (real name) said the following at 10:32 PM on Jul 2:
I haven't listened to the program, but my life experience rings true with the shift-work sister-in-Christ.
I too work a rotating shift that many times leaves me irritable, short-tempered, and crabby. I have learned to set boundaries with myself and others when I have those "off" days. For example, on days when I have tons of energy, I will get alot of stuff done around the house, and involve myself with other people, so that when the off days come, I don't have to feel guilty for keeping a low profile and being a slacker. Also, I have informed some of my closer friends that I do struggle with my energy and temper on off days, so they have an understanding of where I am coming from.
2. Tee said the following at 11:40 PM on Jul 2:
I really enjoyed the discussion with the new Mr. and Mrs. Tucker. I wish the two of them God's best as they start their new life together!
3. Paul P said the following at 12:46 AM on Jul 3:
I so resonated with Matt, and his setting things in to the Biblical pattern, but coming from a foundation not based on Christ. Boundless has been central to my change of perspective in the realm of love and marriage since around 2000. (Go podcast! But the articles are where it’s at!) I am 36 (and kind of freaking out about how long this has taken), and marriage hasn’t been accomplished, yet in my life, but I’m still committed to pursue all that is necessary to ready myself for it. Until 3 years ago, I was not in a faith community that supported marriage through the Biblical pattern. But I have drawn a lot of encouragement from Matt’s story. Other then my current uneasiness of my age, and the label of ‘what’s wrong with THAT guy’, I am committed to this process. I would love to hear more of Matt’s struggles and how he arrived at the altar.
4. Rosalie said the following at 1:44 AM on Jul 4:
It was great to here from some people from Nova Scotia (and great to hear Lisa has visited there too). I used to live there and it's still home in many ways even though I live in the Southern Hemisphere now (where yes, it is winter)
The rest of the show was enjoyable as well. Thanks, Boundless team.
5. Holly said the following at 9:48 AM on Jul 6:
I don't know how to phrase this, so I'm just going to say it and plea for God to make it clear to you that my heart is in the right place.
Listening to the hosts/guests (sorry, I can't always tell whose voice is whose when the discussion goes on for awhile) talk about their relationships on this one made me feel sad and almost cold. What kind of love or passion is present in a relationship when people have rational discussions about not saying "I love you"? It sounds more like negotiating a business arrangement than falling in love with a fellow child of God and passionately looking forward to a life together.
I'm sorry; I have read much of the Boundless material on dating/courting and agree with a huge percentage of it, but listening to what it sounds like when put into practice was just....not what I am hoping for in my life. At all.
I would greatly appreciate some sort of post or follow-up on what love and passion look like in relationships that follow the Boundless model of intentionality. Thank you.
6. Kansas Girl said the following at 11:12 AM on Jul 6:
Thank you, Boundless for another amazing podcast! The topics addressed through the articles, blogs, and podcasts always seem to be so timely and exactly what I need to hear when they are published. As I have navigated through college, graduation, had my first year of teaching, and develop friendships your articles are appreciated. Like the Tuckers, my faith has grown so much since I discovered your site in fall 2004, when I was a freshman in college. Also, it was amazing to hear Karen say how powerful it was for Matt to take the risk in the relationship with intention and male leadership so that she did not have to question how forward to be.
Thanks again Boundless, your ministry means so much to so many!
7. Ashley Harris said the following at 11:45 AM on Jul 6:
Hey Holly,
I was one of the roundtable participants who talked about saying "I love you."
After reading your comment, I realized that my spiel might have sounded one-sided (that side being the reasonable side). Please let me assure you that while we did choose, in what might seem like strictly rational way, not to say I love you till we were engaged that doesn't mean we divorced feelings or passion from our relationship.
It's just that I've found passion and feelings have a better place inside the safety of a defined and committed relationship.
"Love always protects." It's a loving thing to take unnecessary risk out of romantic relationships by having a equal level of clarity (being committed/defined) and connection (being "in love").
It wasn't like a chick flick that's for sure. Which is great because at some point in the movie the girl always ends up crying to her girlfriend over a pint of ice cream. :)
I'd be glad to dialog about this more. Being an analytical personality I sometimes communicate in a logical, non-feeling way that isn't an accurate picture of my story with my fiance.
I've found dating along the "Boundless guidelines" to be very, very sweet.
8. BDB said the following at 11:58 AM on Jul 6:
Holly (#5) - to extend on Ashley's comments (#7) - it's also one of Elisabeth Elliot's recommendations to men - that the three words "I love you" immediately be followed by four more, "Will you marry me?" The goal is that once it is spoken, it is a promise that one never goes back on.
It falls into the category of men setting boundaries on their behavior so as not to defraud women.
9. Holly said the following at 1:29 PM on Jul 6:
Thanks, Ashley. That helps clarify. I was listening to it cringing, and honestly thinking, "Are these people engaged or did they just agree to become a joint business venture?" (Sorry! That's kind of what it sounded like.) The singles around here want to find Godly marriages and compatible partners, etc.....but we also want to fall in love! :) Thanks for the reply.
10. Karen T said the following at 6:32 AM on Jul 8:
Hello everyone! It's so interesting to read all these comments. Matt and I felt both excited and privileged to be on the show and share our journey towards marriage with everyone. Boundless is such a great resource of Biblically based, solid Christian material for Christian singles to tap into IMO. There doesn't seem to be a lot of things out there for Christian singles, especially as comprehensive as Boundless.
I also want to comment with Ashley about discussions about saying "I love you". While we did not wait until we were engaged, we decided to be very careful with using the word "love" until we were sure of our feelings. That word can sometimes be taken way too lightly. When I truly knew I was in love with Matt, I prayed for the right moment to come to be able to express this. When we finally said the words "I love you" to each other, it was a VERY special and romantic moment...especially since it really felt like God was leading us there.
11. Matt Tucker said the following at 9:40 PM on Jul 8:
Paul M, I am happy to hear that you found our story encouraging; that is what I wanted. I'm afraid I don't have time for much of a discussion - we've only recently returned from our honeymoon and are in an ultra-busy season of life right now - but here are some thoughts.
Boundless has been central to my change of perspective in the realm of love and marriage since around 2000. (Go podcast! But the articles are where it’s at!)
YA SRSLY :)
I would love to hear more of Matt’s struggles and how he arrived at the altar.
For me, there came a point where, owing to school/career pressures, I decided it was time to get married soon or it would become a lot difficult later. That was what gave me the impetus to start looking. After I had decided that it was time to find someone, the biggest issue became, well, okay, how do I meet someone who is the sort of woman I want? Which brings up two issues: 1) how do you find someone, and 2) what sort of person are you really looking for?
Boundless has said in the past that the best place to meet someone is generally at your church, and as a rule I think I agree, but of course I met Karen online so I'm partial to that route as well. Bottom line: I don't think you should rule anything out (and especially don't let pride rule anything out for you. There really is nothing wrong with being set up by your mother if it works out in the end...).
As far as 2) goes, I could add a lot more than I have time for, but let me just say that I've had a lot of my preconceptions shattered about what a woman 'should' be. If I were starting from scratch right now to look for a wife, I would be open to many more opportunities than I might have been several years ago. Bottom line: give all sorts of women a chance; if you haven't had much in the way of serious relationships before, you really might be surprised about who is good for you (and especially don't let pride rule anyone out for you).
Other then my current uneasiness of my age, and the label of ‘what’s wrong with THAT guy’
I don't want to trivialize those very real feelings of yours, but... 36 isn't really old. Didn't Ted Slater get married at 35 or something? I know one extremely special lady whose father became a Christian later in life and didn't marry until about 40! I really wish people would reject those kinds of labels; they erode confidence, among other things, and there's no good reason for it.
marriage hasn’t been accomplished, yet in my life, but I’m still committed to pursue all that is necessary to ready myself for it.
If you're willing to admit that you even need to make an effort to 'ready yourself' for marriage, you're probably closer to being ready than a lot of people are. (Does that make sense? It's like people who are willing to admit they are sinners are closer to God than people who think they are perfect. There's a lame analogy for you.) The biggest question I have for you is: what are you doing about marriage? Intentionality starts right now - if you think you'd like to be married, don't just think about it, actively work towards it. Figure out ways to meet people. Find ways to build confidence if that is a problem.
I will pray for you before I head to bed. :)