Navigating the Single Sea by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 07/22/2009 at 11:37 AM

Several years ago, I wrote the following:

I am single. I'm not ashamed to say it. Most of the time I'm OK with it. By "OK" I mean I don't break down in tears after attending my fifth wedding in one summer. I don't mourn with a tub of mint chocolate chip and "Sleepless in Seattle" every time I have a quiet Saturday night ... or four. And I barely cringe when my married friends get a twinkle in their eye and utter those dreaded words: "Soooo (they drag this word out endlessly), is there a guy in your life?"

It seems Rachel Starr Thomson finds herself at a similar point in life. In today's featured article, she writes:

Before I attended that first wedding back in May, I was as thoroughly happy being single as I've ever been, but now I must admit that my ship of singleness feels a little less even-keel than it used to. I am not strictly envious, nor strictly lonely, but I am definitely wistful. Also wry (a Jane Austen-like sense of humor is a marvelous advantage during wedding season). And doing a lot of thinking.

My own position is odder than most, I think, because not only am I a single young woman whose friends are all getting married (not really an uncommon position to be in), I'm a single young woman who's never been entirely convinced that God was calling her to get married. Ever.

Thus, the position I find myself in is one of watching my friends face into futures that are taking shape, with comforting lines and seemingly predictable challenges, while my own future still looks like an open horizon at sea. Light and darkness in a sky that goes on forever.

I see Thomson's point. Married life seems more settled than single life. When you get married there is a sketched-out plan: enjoy newlywedness, have children (most likely), establish a home, save for the future, grow old together. In singleness, there can be a sense of waiting ... is "the plan" just around the corner or will it never arrive? And in light of not knowing, what should I do?

In "Single While Active," I addressed the action side of this waiting period; Thomson addresses its inherent worth. Singleness is a time where God speaks (and we are perhaps more available to listen), she says. It is a time where we can focus on building an intimate relationship with Him while also establishing sweet community with those around us. Additionally, singles may have more flexibility to make big plans and more time to invest in championing the family.

In the end, it's very dangerous to compare singleness to married life and say that God is at work more in one than in the other. Thomson emphasizes that what makes married and single the same -- God's desire to glorify Himself through willing lives -- is more important than what makes them different.

I'll settle down on my little ship tonight, swallow away my human confidence, and glory in all the possible futures that lay before me. One thing I know: Married or single, there's wonder and holiness in all our paths.

Thomson has discovered the heart of the matter. Our ships aren't as different as they may seem. After all, they're headed in the same direction. And there's profound comfort in that.

Navigating the Single Sea by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 07/22/2009 at 11:37 AM

Several years ago, I wrote the following:

I am single. I'm not ashamed to say it. Most of the time I'm OK with it. By "OK" I mean I don't break down in tears after attending my fifth wedding in one summer. I don't mourn with a tub of mint chocolate chip and "Sleepless in Seattle" every time I have a quiet Saturday night ... or four. And I barely cringe when my married friends get a twinkle in their eye and utter those dreaded words: "Soooo (they drag this word out endlessly), is there a guy in your life?"

It seems Rachel Starr Thomson finds herself at a similar point in life. In today's featured article, she writes:

Before I attended that first wedding back in May, I was as thoroughly happy being single as I've ever been, but now I must admit that my ship of singleness feels a little less even-keel than it used to. I am not strictly envious, nor strictly lonely, but I am definitely wistful. Also wry (a Jane Austen-like sense of humor is a marvelous advantage during wedding season). And doing a lot of thinking.

My own position is odder than most, I think, because not only am I a single young woman whose friends are all getting married (not really an uncommon position to be in), I'm a single young woman who's never been entirely convinced that God was calling her to get married. Ever.

Thus, the position I find myself in is one of watching my friends face into futures that are taking shape, with comforting lines and seemingly predictable challenges, while my own future still looks like an open horizon at sea. Light and darkness in a sky that goes on forever.

I see Thomson's point. Married life seems more settled than single life. When you get married there is a sketched-out plan: enjoy newlywedness, have children (most likely), establish a home, save for the future, grow old together. In singleness, there can be a sense of waiting ... is "the plan" just around the corner or will it never arrive? And in light of not knowing, what should I do?

In "Single While Active," I addressed the action side of this waiting period; Thomson addresses its inherent worth. Singleness is a time where God speaks (and we are perhaps more available to listen), she says. It is a time where we can focus on building an intimate relationship with Him while also establishing sweet community with those around us. Additionally, singles may have more flexibility to make big plans and more time to invest in championing the family.

In the end, it's very dangerous to compare singleness to married life and say that God is at work more in one than in the other. Thomson emphasizes that what makes married and single the same -- God's desire to glorify Himself through willing lives -- is more important than what makes them different.

I'll settle down on my little ship tonight, swallow away my human confidence, and glory in all the possible futures that lay before me. One thing I know: Married or single, there's wonder and holiness in all our paths.

Thomson has discovered the heart of the matter. Our ships aren't as different as they may seem. After all, they're headed in the same direction. And there's profound comfort in that.

Comments

[1. Ciku said the following at 1:41 PM on Jul 22:]

1

I'm totally loving your focus on singleness this month!! very encouraging!! single or married Gods purpose remains the same- to draw us to himself!! Amen!!

[2. DannieA said the following at 1:56 PM on Jul 22:]

2

I'm enjoying the fresh salt air. :) :) :)

[3. LisaC said the following at 2:50 PM on Jul 22:]

3

Ditto to #1!

Being a recent college grad, and single these articles have helped shift my focus back to where it needs to be. I want to thank you all for all you do.

[4. brx said the following at 6:56 PM on Jul 22:]

4

"Our ships aren't as different as they may seem. After all, they're headed in the same direction."

Nicely said. Thus, single & married people really can find places to connect & grow & encourage each other on the way!

Grace, peace & adventure! I'll be passing it on.

[5. Kelly said the following at 8:54 PM on Jul 22:]

5

The article REALLY resonated with me. So often I feel adrift, disconnected.

However, that's been changing over the past year or two, with the advent of children. Not mine, but those of my siblings, my friends. Everywhere I look, there's an entire new generation appearing and even though I'm single, I get to know and love them too.

It is AWESOME being an aunt. They're my family, even if not directly my own.

[6. JAM said the following at 10:47 PM on Jul 22:]

6

It's this phrase that got me: "I'm a single young woman who's never been entirely convinced that God was calling her to get married. Ever." With "gift of singleness" mentioned shortly thereafter....hmmm...

Yes, God speaks to us, but there is nothing in the scriptures that even remotely points to him "calling" anyone to get married.

Don Raunikar's book "Choosing God's Best":

"Before you can determine whom to marry, you must first answer a preliminary question: Does God want you to marry anyone, ever? Or is His plan for you to remain single? Scripture teaches that marriage, like salvation, is an unmerited gift from God (Genesis 2:18). When God wanted Adam to have a wife, He brought her to him. Their marriage was a gift from God. But Scripture also tells us that singleness is God's gift as well."

This is spiritual abuse -- suggesting to singles that they must wait for some kind of charismatic message, when if fact, the Bible never speaks of divine mate-finding or confirmation of assignment, but rather, human effort and personal choice (1 Cor 7:8,9 36 & 39; Proverbs 18:22; 1 Cor 9:5). Sure, God's sovereignty is at work in our lives, but the scriptures don't encourage us to focus on divine attribution where our decisiveness -- and the decisiveness of others -- is key.

[7. allison said the following at 6:08 AM on Jul 23:]

7

Very thought provoking, Boundless.

Personally, I am married with a child, but my best friend is single with no prospects in sight. I have often mused that our lives seem to have nothing in common, yet she is probably the dearest girl-friend I have ever had. I have wondered what it was that drew us together when we are so seemingly "different." I always come back to the idea that it's our common beliefs and relationship with Jesus Christ.

I appreciate your perspective on this. I think you are right. My friend and I are not so different as it might appear, because as followers of Christ, we exist for His glory. It would make sense that if our love for Christ is truly the most important part of our lives, then we have the most important thing in common. And the path of her life is no less significant than mine. It's what God is using to bring her to greater holiness, just as He is using marriage and motherhood in my life.

You've given me food for thought!

[8. Leah W said the following at 7:35 AM on Jul 23:]

8

I really liked this article! It was great to hear a young woman admit that while she admires married couples she doesn't necessarily feel the need to join them. (And she was honest about her feelings towards the weddings she attending this year.) :)
She really came across as a woman who is not only content with where she is, but willing to do what God wants in her life.
It truly was refreshing to read.
Thank you!

[9. Charlotte C. said the following at 9:25 AM on Jul 23:]

9

#3 Me three!!!

I am really really really liking these articles and posts as well. :D Yay for Boundless!

[10. Lucy Goosey said the following at 12:04 PM on Jul 23:]

10

I definitely enjoy these articles, because they always point the reader back to God.

I am a Christian, black, single, and 28 (not necessarily in that order and there's more to me than that!). I recently viewed clips about a documentary called SoulMate by Andrea Wiley. It is a film about the high percentage of "African American" women who have never been married. It is geared toward Christians. I watched her being interviewed on several clips for other shows.

She is so encouraging, because she too draws viewers back to God. The only ONE who can fulfill us whether we are single or married.

We as humans want a quick fix to things we see as a problem and we often want to do what WE can humanly do to solve it. That often comes in the form of service (what we do in the church). I got that idea from reading a SoulMate viewing response by a single, black woman. She said how she was not impressed by the film...that it left her sad, because it didn't offer any solution.

Mrs. Wiley talked about how, during your service, you shouldn't just put yourself in the midst of men just because you might nab one. You should serve just to serve. Service isn't something you do to get something in return.

If you serve to get a man, then you'll probably give yourself praise for what you think you did to get it.

On the other hand, if you don't end up getting what you think you want, then you might think that you're not as good as someone who has it or that God doesn't love you.

All that puts the focus back on you, but your focus, my focus, must be on God.

Mrs. Wiley put into words something that has been in my heart for years. I am in the midst of men during international ministry and homeless ministry and before I attend any of the events, I always pray that God helps me to focus on service and not how cute the guys I serve with may be. I pray this, because I am human and guys can really be cute. I get real in my prayers and say, "God, now you know such and such is cute, please don't let me go in here and act like a fool. I want to serve these people as you would have me to do, so please guard my heart" and so on.

I believe that message resonates with any Christian...even those who aren't black.

[11. Tami said the following at 1:01 PM on Jul 23:]

11

Lucy Goosey (10) wrote:
I am in the midst of men during international ministry and homeless ministry and before I attend any of the events, I always pray that God helps me to focus on service and not how cute the guys I serve with may be. I pray this, because I am human and guys can really be cute. I get real in my prayers and say, "God, now you know such and such is cute, please don't let me go in here and act like a fool. I want to serve these people as you would have me to do, so please guard my heart" and so on.

I appreciate this. It's very honest and God-honoring. Thanks for sharing.

[12. Amanda said the following at 11:38 AM on Jul 24:]

12

lucy goosey, thanks for your post! Its a great reminder who our focus should be on! Spot on Sister!

[13. David said the following at 7:40 AM on Jul 26:]

13

Having stumbled across the site ... can I add that widowers and widows are not necessarily old and grey? And that they too are (in the providence of God) single ... and having "learn therewith to be content"? It's the same situation as being single - but again.

[14. Tracy said the following at 10:35 PM on Aug 7:]

14

Boy, did I need this. I am feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight. Seems my 2 BF are getting together this weekend w/ husbands and kids and I am not included. This happens frequently and as childish as it seems, it hurts my feelings.

I like what you wrote about singles and marrieds not being so different. I know this, but think they don't. I am going to look up the scriptures listed here. I think it is interesting that it says Marriage is an unmerited gift from God. Why are we all not given this gift? Well, I guess everyone has different gifts, like singing and such, but still...

I get annoyed with myself for sometimes feeling "less" b/c I have never married and don't think my friends see that they contribute to it too. Thjey say things like "When you settle down..." or "you'll see it differently when you get married...."

I am 40 yrs. old. I resent the implication that I am "unsettled" and it sounds like I am running the streets. The other implication is that upon receipt of the wedding ring you are bestowed with this gift of "seeing" things the right way.

On every Mother's Day my pastor prays for families and mothers and then he goes on to pray for the single people that they may get married and fulfill God's plan. It makes me so upset and mad that I don't go that day anymore.

I need to refocus and center my attention on where it should be (Christ) and not on trivial things like hurt feelings...but it is hard sometimes.

[1. Ciku said the following at 1:41 PM on Jul 22:]

1

I'm totally loving your focus on singleness this month!! very encouraging!! single or married Gods purpose remains the same- to draw us to himself!! Amen!!

[2. DannieA said the following at 1:56 PM on Jul 22:]

2

I'm enjoying the fresh salt air. :) :) :)

[3. LisaC said the following at 2:50 PM on Jul 22:]

3

Ditto to #1!

Being a recent college grad, and single these articles have helped shift my focus back to where it needs to be. I want to thank you all for all you do.

[4. brx said the following at 6:56 PM on Jul 22:]

4

"Our ships aren't as different as they may seem. After all, they're headed in the same direction."

Nicely said. Thus, single & married people really can find places to connect & grow & encourage each other on the way!

Grace, peace & adventure! I'll be passing it on.

[5. Kelly said the following at 8:54 PM on Jul 22:]

5

The article REALLY resonated with me. So often I feel adrift, disconnected.

However, that's been changing over the past year or two, with the advent of children. Not mine, but those of my siblings, my friends. Everywhere I look, there's an entire new generation appearing and even though I'm single, I get to know and love them too.

It is AWESOME being an aunt. They're my family, even if not directly my own.

[6. JAM said the following at 10:47 PM on Jul 22:]

6

It's this phrase that got me: "I'm a single young woman who's never been entirely convinced that God was calling her to get married. Ever." With "gift of singleness" mentioned shortly thereafter....hmmm...

Yes, God speaks to us, but there is nothing in the scriptures that even remotely points to him "calling" anyone to get married.

Don Raunikar's book "Choosing God's Best":

"Before you can determine whom to marry, you must first answer a preliminary question: Does God want you to marry anyone, ever? Or is His plan for you to remain single? Scripture teaches that marriage, like salvation, is an unmerited gift from God (Genesis 2:18). When God wanted Adam to have a wife, He brought her to him. Their marriage was a gift from God. But Scripture also tells us that singleness is God's gift as well."

This is spiritual abuse -- suggesting to singles that they must wait for some kind of charismatic message, when if fact, the Bible never speaks of divine mate-finding or confirmation of assignment, but rather, human effort and personal choice (1 Cor 7:8,9 36 & 39; Proverbs 18:22; 1 Cor 9:5). Sure, God's sovereignty is at work in our lives, but the scriptures don't encourage us to focus on divine attribution where our decisiveness -- and the decisiveness of others -- is key.

[7. allison said the following at 6:08 AM on Jul 23:]

7

Very thought provoking, Boundless.

Personally, I am married with a child, but my best friend is single with no prospects in sight. I have often mused that our lives seem to have nothing in common, yet she is probably the dearest girl-friend I have ever had. I have wondered what it was that drew us together when we are so seemingly "different." I always come back to the idea that it's our common beliefs and relationship with Jesus Christ.

I appreciate your perspective on this. I think you are right. My friend and I are not so different as it might appear, because as followers of Christ, we exist for His glory. It would make sense that if our love for Christ is truly the most important part of our lives, then we have the most important thing in common. And the path of her life is no less significant than mine. It's what God is using to bring her to greater holiness, just as He is using marriage and motherhood in my life.

You've given me food for thought!

[8. Leah W said the following at 7:35 AM on Jul 23:]

8

I really liked this article! It was great to hear a young woman admit that while she admires married couples she doesn't necessarily feel the need to join them. (And she was honest about her feelings towards the weddings she attending this year.) :)
She really came across as a woman who is not only content with where she is, but willing to do what God wants in her life.
It truly was refreshing to read.
Thank you!

[9. Charlotte C. said the following at 9:25 AM on Jul 23:]

9

#3 Me three!!!

I am really really really liking these articles and posts as well. :D Yay for Boundless!

[10. Lucy Goosey said the following at 12:04 PM on Jul 23:]

10

I definitely enjoy these articles, because they always point the reader back to God.

I am a Christian, black, single, and 28 (not necessarily in that order and there's more to me than that!). I recently viewed clips about a documentary called SoulMate by Andrea Wiley. It is a film about the high percentage of "African American" women who have never been married. It is geared toward Christians. I watched her being interviewed on several clips for other shows.

She is so encouraging, because she too draws viewers back to God. The only ONE who can fulfill us whether we are single or married.

We as humans want a quick fix to things we see as a problem and we often want to do what WE can humanly do to solve it. That often comes in the form of service (what we do in the church). I got that idea from reading a SoulMate viewing response by a single, black woman. She said how she was not impressed by the film...that it left her sad, because it didn't offer any solution.

Mrs. Wiley talked about how, during your service, you shouldn't just put yourself in the midst of men just because you might nab one. You should serve just to serve. Service isn't something you do to get something in return.

If you serve to get a man, then you'll probably give yourself praise for what you think you did to get it.

On the other hand, if you don't end up getting what you think you want, then you might think that you're not as good as someone who has it or that God doesn't love you.

All that puts the focus back on you, but your focus, my focus, must be on God.

Mrs. Wiley put into words something that has been in my heart for years. I am in the midst of men during international ministry and homeless ministry and before I attend any of the events, I always pray that God helps me to focus on service and not how cute the guys I serve with may be. I pray this, because I am human and guys can really be cute. I get real in my prayers and say, "God, now you know such and such is cute, please don't let me go in here and act like a fool. I want to serve these people as you would have me to do, so please guard my heart" and so on.

I believe that message resonates with any Christian...even those who aren't black.

[11. Tami said the following at 1:01 PM on Jul 23:]

11

Lucy Goosey (10) wrote:
I am in the midst of men during international ministry and homeless ministry and before I attend any of the events, I always pray that God helps me to focus on service and not how cute the guys I serve with may be. I pray this, because I am human and guys can really be cute. I get real in my prayers and say, "God, now you know such and such is cute, please don't let me go in here and act like a fool. I want to serve these people as you would have me to do, so please guard my heart" and so on.

I appreciate this. It's very honest and God-honoring. Thanks for sharing.

[12. Amanda said the following at 11:38 AM on Jul 24:]

12

lucy goosey, thanks for your post! Its a great reminder who our focus should be on! Spot on Sister!

[13. David said the following at 7:40 AM on Jul 26:]

13

Having stumbled across the site ... can I add that widowers and widows are not necessarily old and grey? And that they too are (in the providence of God) single ... and having "learn therewith to be content"? It's the same situation as being single - but again.

[14. Tracy said the following at 10:35 PM on Aug 7:]

14

Boy, did I need this. I am feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight. Seems my 2 BF are getting together this weekend w/ husbands and kids and I am not included. This happens frequently and as childish as it seems, it hurts my feelings.

I like what you wrote about singles and marrieds not being so different. I know this, but think they don't. I am going to look up the scriptures listed here. I think it is interesting that it says Marriage is an unmerited gift from God. Why are we all not given this gift? Well, I guess everyone has different gifts, like singing and such, but still...

I get annoyed with myself for sometimes feeling "less" b/c I have never married and don't think my friends see that they contribute to it too. Thjey say things like "When you settle down..." or "you'll see it differently when you get married...."

I am 40 yrs. old. I resent the implication that I am "unsettled" and it sounds like I am running the streets. The other implication is that upon receipt of the wedding ring you are bestowed with this gift of "seeing" things the right way.

On every Mother's Day my pastor prays for families and mothers and then he goes on to pray for the single people that they may get married and fulfill God's plan. It makes me so upset and mad that I don't go that day anymore.

I need to refocus and center my attention on where it should be (Christ) and not on trivial things like hurt feelings...but it is hard sometimes.