Marriage is Worth a Second Thought
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 07/08/2009 at 5:34 PM
I'm thinking about marriage these days—more than I ever have. I'll be getting married this fall. So I read with interest Candice's article "Thinking About Marriage."
Unlike Candice, I did not pore over bridal magazines as a young woman or dream much about what my someday-wedding might look like. I did, however, think about the kind of man who someday might be my partner—how we would live and serve God together. Having the privilege of watching a healthy marriage play out through the example of my parents who have been married 35 years, I formed a positive perspective on marriage.
I was blessed to grow up in a family where many of the benefits of family life were realized. I had a father who showed in every action that nothing delighted him more than his wife and children. I had a mom who listened, tenderly brushed away tears when necessary and spent late nights speaking words of wisdom and truth to me. I had siblings who made me laugh and cry and mostly be extremely grateful for their friendship, which was unfailing. I know what is possible.
For years a myth has circulated among Christian singles that you shouldn't think about marriage too much or it might become an idol. Candice counters, pointing out that a healthy desire for marriage actually fuels chastity and purpose among singles:
If you lack a vision for marriage, you're setting yourself up for lax sexual standards, relationships without momentum, and heartache. If you don't have a deliberate goal in mind — either single service or Christian marriage between two chaste believers — it's pretty easy to fall prey to sexual temptation. And many are falling. According to pollster George Barna, "Among 21-year-olds, fewer than 1 out of 5 are married, and more than 4 out of 5 have had sexual intercourse — most of them with more than one partner."
The hope of marriage is an antidote to promiscuity. If you believe in Christian marriage and are purposefully working toward it, it's a lot easier to set physical boundaries and character expectations in dating. Not only do those boundaries help you obey God's command to save sex for marriage, they increase the likelihood that the men you're spending time with will be good candidates for marriage.
I believe that my looking forward to marriage kept me from seeking out the immediate gratification of impure relationships. I was aware of the value of the thing for which I was waiting and didn't want to do anything to threaten that. Thinking about marriage is a good thing. What kind of spouse do you desire to be? What will be the purpose of your marriage? Considering these things may actually enhance the way you're living for God and developing your character now as a single. After all, it comes back to faithfulness in all things, regardless of your marital state.
1. Amir Larijani said the following at 5:48 PM on Jul 8:
Suzanne: Congratulations!
2. Tami said the following at 5:49 PM on Jul 8:
The questions you pose at the end are really spiritual formation questions. A good thing for ALL of us to ponder.
And... that's part of what I love so much about Gary Thomas' books -- he writes about all of life (marriage included) as a spiritual discipline. I wish he would write a book for unmarrieds about how to live in preparation for marriage.
I don't mean an *engagement* book; nor do I mean a *dating* book. I mean a "how do I spiritually and emotionally prepare myself for married life even if I'm nowhere near married" book.
3. a sassy sister said the following at 9:19 PM on Jul 8:
Suzanne:
While I am glad that you found Candice's article to be helpful as an engaged woman, I find the article and this post as a single woman to be one of the most unhelpful and frustrating posts yet. I feel like Boundless is beating a dead horse, and to top it all off, further frustrated that it isn't arising and galloping off into the sunset.
You have been exposed to godly examples and healthy relationships, and you count your blessings, and you should. But there is a difference between thinking (i.e. prudent, realistic reflection)about marriage in regards to making changes in your life in regards to marriage, and being so singly-focused on marriage that you see it is as the finish line. Please remember in your coupled/engagement bliss that your personal experience is not a mandate for all other single believers to follow. It is not simply enough to hope for marriage and think that it will somehow guard your heart against lust and sexual promiscuity; to do so takes a flippant and unrealistic view towards what marriage and takes the focus off of Christ and on yourself and your desires(which, while healthy, must be put in context of pleasing God and growing in relationship with Him).
Let's get real here. There are lots and lots of single Christian men and women who long for marriage---and some who are proactively preparing for their married lives from such hope. Some may very well be doing things that are sabotaging their efforts. But simply "hoping" for marriage doesn't automatically increase someone's chances for marriage, nor is it a real antidote for promiscuity. That's like saying that regular sex in marriage will stop marrieds from committing adultery. There is a difference between something helps set the environment for change than saying that it alone is the cause of change.
4. CT said the following at 9:53 PM on Jul 8:
I don't know that the Apostle Paul would agree.
5. Keith said the following at 11:52 PM on Jul 8:
Make plans; expect God to change modify them. That is all humans can, and are expected to do.
6. Laura said the following at 1:08 AM on Jul 9:
Thanks, Suzanne.
It seems that many times I've heard the "marriage is miserable" message from the same mouth I hear "save yourself for your spouse." And I want to say, "Wait a minute, I should save myself for *that*?"
Granted, my "waiting" is not primarily because I want a good marriage (primarily as an act of obedience), but discouraging comments are no help.
I love seeing married couples who like each other and like to be together. It makes me think with fondness about my own (eventual) marriage and remind that yes, it IS worth it.
7. Luann said the following at 5:08 AM on Jul 9:
I agree that we need to have a vision for marriage, that we need to have hope for it and to faithfully pray for it. My concern arises more with the "proactive efforts," because I honestly do not understand how they can be productive if marriage is not yet in God's timing. Will they not, like efforts to work on a house that God's not yet building (see Psalm 127:1), just be futile and in vain? And isn't there a danger in trying to take matters into your own hands instead of faithfully waiting (while hoping and praying) on God's timing (see the Sarah/Abraham/Hagar situation)? If Candice has thoroughly analyzed these questions elsewhere, please tell us where. If not, I humbly request her to think about doing so because her thesis and readers would benefit greatly from a discussion on these issues.
8. Sarah P. said the following at 8:15 AM on Jul 9:
I really appreciated the article, as I appreciate most things Candice writes. :) I think she is a lady with a solid head on her shoulders, and she has helped me confirm and put words to a number of things that have puzzled me in the past.
sassy sister (#3): I think you're right. Hoping for marriage alone will not "fix" sexual impurity. But if you're not cultivating a vision of sex in its proper place, it's well-nigh impossible to know what to do with those painful emotional and physical urges. The "keep your heart" in Proverbs 4:23 does not mean covering it with a tarp so that no seeds of any sort may take root. It means nourishing it like a healthy garden, watering it with the Word and weeding regularly so that seeds of love and care can grow strong. It means growing a peaceful, orderly, and beautiful fruit grove by "abiding in Christ" (John 15).
Luann (#7): What if you are unemployed, and it is God's will that you remain so for a while? Won't proactive efforts to find employment just result in failure? Of course! But you won't know your unemployment is God's will without the failed efforts. Otherwise, it could just be the result of sloth.
Now, there could be a time when you suddenly find room and board paid for, and you are terribly busy with a volunteer organization. In that situation, unemployment would also obviously be God's will.
9. k.boyd said the following at 9:09 AM on Jul 9:
about 4 years ago, i had a real change of mind - all of a sudden i knew i wanted to be married...and as a sassy sister said - that longing didn't protect me from impurity and lust -- but a year ago, i knew something was wrong - i asked God to change my heart on the issue and it too has been engaged in this desire - and i clearly see how my outlook on purity has changed. I am now with a man who values God's heart on purity as well - and i reminded everyday, that God looks at our heart and that we can come and ask of Him when our motives are right (james 4:3)...God has shown me that wanting marriage for His Glory is a beautiful thing --- and I am sooooooooo thankful for the work of Boundless and this ministry. I see the beauty of Eph 5 in your work - reminding us that marriage reflects that love of Christ for His church.
I love you guys!
10. JuliaH said the following at 9:12 AM on Jul 9:
Hoping for marriage will not keep you pure. Putting your hope in Jesus and committing yourself to righteousness will.
11. AJ said the following at 9:54 AM on Jul 9:
"The hope of marriage is an antidote to promiscuity. If you believe in Christian marriage and are purposefully working toward it, it's a lot easier to set physical boundaries and character expectations in dating. Not only do those boundaries help you obey God's command to save sex for marriage, they increase the likelihood that the men you're spending time with will be good candidates for marriage."
Don't unbelievers also desire to be married? For example, aren't there possibly virgin atheists and agnostics that hope to be married? They may or may not value biblical purity, but something must separate a "Christian relationship" and a Christian "hope of marriage" as opposed to any other worldview.
It is found in God's Word. If the "hope of marriage is an antidote to promiscuity," what about Christian eunuchs [Matt.19:12]and Christians who God clearly calls to remain single for the Kingdom of God[ i.e. international missionaries and possibly nuns or monks]?
Marriage can just as easily become an idol as anything else [T.V., horseback riding, working out]. Our "perspective" on marriage should be most concerned with the glory of God and not ourselves. Paul states, "Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband." [1 Corinthians 7:2]
Therefore, our focus or intentions as a born-again Christian should not be, "I will revolve my thinking around the hopeful idea of getting married until I finally do." That thinking can easily become your entire worldview. E.g, "How does this or that relate to me getting married soon [job, sex, house, friends,free-time]"? If that is the predominance of your thinking prior to getting married, then what happens when you do get married? If you "attempt" to overcome lust, temptation or fornication simply by thinking about your [possible future] spouse, you will fail. That thinking ultimately revolves around yourself and is idolatry.
Rather, Paul states one of the main reasons for marriage is not to simply "be married" but to "not sin"! If we cannot control ourselves sexually, then we should be married. But God clearly makes it a gift as He does singleness [1 Corin. 7:7,8]. We glorify God by loving Him with all our heart, mind soul and strength. If that includes marriage, so be it.
Although sex is a regular part of being married, which is God's Grace and blessing, the mindset of remaining pure within marriage is certainly not because we wanted to ultimately bless and please our spouse. That is only part of it. It stems ultimately from the fear of God, His righteous judgement of sin and the fact that we know sin by the law. It is by His Grace and Holy Spirit. When it comes down to it, I am such a depraved sinner that without the Sovereign Grace of God holding me, I would forsake my entire life [including the sanctity and beauty of marriage] to please myself with sin. I would not think about my spouse or anyone else [which is where that thinking becomes immediately futile] apart from the sanctifying power of the Holy Spirit alone. We should ultimately remain pure prior to marriage [and while you are married] because lust, adultery and fornication are sins and God hates them.
However, the single life is no less blessed or sanctifying than married life. It is just different. You are able to utilize your gifts in different ways. It is the same God who ultimately saves the person He desires to be married and the person He desires to remain single. Jesus Himself said, "For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven." Matt. 12:25
Marriage between a man and woman is clearly only for this life. For all of eternity, believers are married to Christ [who doesn't sin against you like your spouse does and will]!
Last but not least, as John Piper coined, "Jesus Christ, the most fully human person that ever lived was never married."
His very purpose was to come and die for our sins on a rugged tree [and rose again]. If this is what we see prior to getting married, then we get marriage and the Gospel right. We only now understand the very purpose of marriage and the utter sacrifice it is according to Ephesians. Only Christians can marry rightly because it rightly belongs to those who understand what the eternal marriage is all about. It is about the Gospel.
God Bless
12. Tami said the following at 9:58 AM on Jul 9:
JuliaH has it...
If we have a vision of how God intends us to live, and we participate in that vision (via the sanctification process), then we are likely to live life in a way that honors and glorifies Him. This is our ultimate call, and what we'll be accountable for when we reach heaven. God won't ask us, "What's wrong with you? Why didn't you ever get married?" But He *will* ask every one of us, married or not, "What did you do with what I gave you?"
Not that there's anything wrong with living with preparation for marriage in mind... not at all. And please don't think I'm suggesting that we all live in a beatific fog, separated from daily life. But our ultimate vision is to set our minds on things above, not on earthly things (Col 3:1-4). A vision of Christ will give us a vision for all He values and intends... which includes a holy life, and a pure lifestyle, lived with godly intention from day to day.
13. Limey said the following at 10:13 AM on Jul 9:
Sassy - I see where you are coming from. I think, though, that the point of this article is sortof like the book of Proverbs. Proverbs isn't a sweeping cure-all .. follow these things and x, y, z will happen in your favor. For example, Proverbs 22:6 - Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it. This is not universally true but it IS wise and something we should do.
I can tell you that staying marriage-minded has helped me not form intimate friendships with men for the sake of craving companionship while not planning on marrying them. Like Suzanne said, thinking about it and what we can do now to prepare will help keep us focused, and not on self-gratification & what feels good right now, like casual dating with no purpose.
I think the summary is .. if you are unmarried and you have a godly outlook on marriage and relationships, the rest of your life will reflect that (including the way you relate with the opposite sex.) We SHOULD be thinking about it in the sense that everything we do now could be helping or hurting our (possible) future marriage relationship.
Ultimately, wanting to honor and please God by keeping our minds and bodies pure for His service should be our goal. If we love Him we keep His commandments, and we are called to holiness as believers whether marriage is in our future or not.
14. ayako said the following at 10:19 AM on Jul 9:
Amen to JuliaH.(10) I totally agree with you.
15. Lynn said the following at 10:42 AM on Jul 9:
In general I thought that Candice's point that looking to marriage protects against promiscuity was grossly overstated and oversimplified.
What then, is the message to people who long to be married, but have serious, valid doubt that it will actually occur?
I am a single woman in Lisa's age group, and I have wanted to be married for years. At this point, I am ready to throw in the towel when it comes to finding (or being found by) a husband. However, I abstain from sexual activity because God calls me to be pure whether I see marriage in my future or not. Active engagement in the local church, accountability, fellowship with a community of believers, and the power of the holy spirit help you guard from promiscuity.
16. Joel said the following at 11:21 AM on Jul 9:
Come on guys, nobody said the hope of marriage was the silver bullet for all the woes and challenges of a single person. She's saying the hope of marriage is a positive thing as opposed to a negative thing. I can say from experience that knowing what your goal is and keeping it in mind is a great motivator for doing things in the present that will help you toward that goal, whether it's fixing a car, getting a degree, or keeping one's eye out for the right partner (and being the right partner).
#3's analogy is incongruous:
"But simply "hoping" for marriage doesn't automatically increase someone's chances for marriage, nor is it a real antidote for promiscuity. That's like saying that regular sex in marriage will stop marrieds from committing adultery."
In the first half she says that hoping for marriage doesn't increase the chance of marriage, implying an effect on the probability of an outcome. The second half makes an absolute claim on the effect of one condition on an outcome. Of course regular sex in marriage will not absolutely stop marrieds from committing adultery, but I'll bet the farm that it would make adultery much less likely. What does she propose then? If an action does not absolutely guarantee a desired outcome but merely makes it more likely, the action should be disregarded? Should I stop paying attention while driving since being a defensive driver does not guarantee that I will never be in an accident? Should I stop studying since it does not guarantee that I will never fail a test?
17. a sassy sister said the following at 1:17 PM on Jul 9:
Joel:
Here's what I propose:
I propose that marrieds concede to singles that singleness, sexuality, and promiscuity cannot be easily addressed by telling them to execute a plan for marriage and get married. I propose that marrieds stop acting as if they reached the Promise Land once they got married,and stop behaving with an patronizing attitude that marriage is for everyone and that the answer to a single's struggles in life can simply be solved by getting married.
I know lots of single Christians who had a plan/vision for marriage(and I mean they literally asked for help, got involved and looked for a spouse, etc.)and they're still single. Can you come to a place and see them as your brothers and sisters in Christ and not look at them as something to be fixed or deficient because they're unmarried? While singleness is not for everyone, the Scriptures do not guarantee a spouse for everyone.
So what I do propose is thinking that marriage is not about God's purposes,not mine. It is not about having my way, ending loneliness, or having someone who will unconditionally love, respect, and support me. I agree that it is about God's glory. And that means understanding that my time as a single is to be productive building the kingdom of God and growing in relationship with Him. That means that my time is not simply spent solely with the attitude of "I'm doing this for my future wife/husband.", because we are not the ones who have any control over another person's ability to decision to love us or to marry us. The time is spent placing that hope in context with the faith that says, "I believe that God will reward those who seek Him, and I trust that He will meet the needs, regardless of whether or not I marry." You are serving God because you trust Him, obey Him, and love Him with all your heart, soul and mind. You don't do it because you think that it will make you look good in the eyes of someone you're interested in. That is not killing the desire for marriage, but rather takes it out of a narrow focus.
What that practically looks like:
hope for marriage but make the most of the time for the kingdom of God, growing in relationship with God and other believers. There are other relationships in your life in this time that you have opportunities to nurture and encourage that you won't be able to do if and when you marry.