Getting Real About Singleness
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 07/14/2009 at 3:51 PM
I love real people's stories. Throughout my single years, true stories have encouraged me the most. That's why I appreciated today's featured Boundless article, "Talking Singleness."
In the article, Mark and Sarah, who married several years later than the national average, discussed how they dealt with singleness, how they met and what they wish they would have done differently. Mark says:
I could have done a better job of looking for other relationships as my relationships changed. I didn't see any natural methods beside joining a softball team — which I did, but it didn't help.
I also could have tried harder to network with people and say, "Look, I'm struggling with relationships and community; can you help me figure out ways to build that stuff in my life right now?"
And I could have thought outside the box to use my time, because you have a lot of time. I could have gotten a master's degree. Taken a six-month or yearlong sabbatical from work for a missions trip. Gotten a second job to pay off bills. I wasted a lot of time waiting for life to happen for me.
Community and activity were two themes that emerged from this interview. Don't wait for life to happen to you while you're single. Do use your time wisely. Ephesians 5:15-16 puts it this way: "Be very careful, then, how you live — not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil."
Incidentally, when I recently interviewed a dozen married couples, these two things — an obvious investment in community and a zest for life — surfaced again and again as attractive qualities that drew individuals to their now-spouses.
I love real people's stories. Look for mine tomorrow as the featured article.
1. Tami said the following at 3:57 PM on Jul 14:
I, too, appreciated this article. It really resonated with me, and encouraged me as well.
Like Mark I really don't like the word "single," for reasons similar to the ones he states. I try to avoid using it if I can. It was nice to hear another, now-married Christian say that. :)
2. Kristina said the following at 4:13 PM on Jul 14:
It's good to know that some married people do remember the struggles they went through as singles and are willing to give solid advice instead of the same old recycled cliches. This article was very encouraging to me.
I am vowing right now to try to give the same kind of advice and encouragement when I am no longer single.
3. Nancy said the following at 4:29 PM on Jul 14:
I agree with the interviewees' advice to see what God has for you, and follow it (rather than simply waiting to get married). I was single for almost 10 years, and my church didn't have a singles' or young adults ministry -- but I never felt the lack of it, because I was plugged into other areas of ministry, and trying to follow God's will for me. Great advice!
4. Trisha said the following at 5:38 PM on Jul 14:
Singleness is a gift from God that allows you do things He wants you do without having to have someone to ask (i.e. Go on a missions trip). Does anybody not believe in plunotic relationships with the opposite gender anymore?....For example if you have been friends with member of the opposite gender since grade school while can't you still be just friends as adults?
5. a sassy sister said the following at 5:48 PM on Jul 14:
It was a great interview....and force it actually acknowledged American church culture's elevation of relationships and confusing approach to deal with singles...
6. KR said the following at 6:11 PM on Jul 14:
My interest was piqued by the latest podcast's mention of Jonathan Edward's sermon "The Preciousness of Time and the Importance of Redeeming it" so it I looked it up online. Its a fairly short read and I'd definitely recommend checking it out.
What a heart check. oh man. thanks to boundless for presenting these *old* ideas based on solid biblical truths in fresh ways that hit home to me in this crazy life stage!
7. gracerose said the following at 8:55 PM on Jul 14:
My issue is that a lot of this advice isn't new when you're over 30. I'm 31 and I've already traveled nationally and overseas, volunteered, been active in my church, moved cities, changed jobs, gotten all my degrees, developed wonderful, authentic friednships, been to therapy, resolved my issues, and I am still single! It's exhausting after a while. I've been looking for this guy since I was 13. Where could he possibly hiding? :-)
This is mostly venting and I understand that this website is geared towards people much younger than me. But still, singleness is different after you hit 30.
8. K.L. said the following at 9:08 PM on Jul 14:
Uh, Trisha (#4)? I think you meant to say "platonic" in your second sentence there. "Plunotic" is not a word. Sorry, I just found that kinda funny. lol
9. Kit said the following at 9:11 PM on Jul 14:
When I was single for ever and ever (it felt) and watching all my friends and little sister date uncontrollably, I have to say that never felt like "a gift from God."
I think to use such phrases is a cop out and I often wonder if anyone truly means it. I did all these suggested things--I had an active social life, pursued internet dating, attended a thriving church, all while doing my master's degree/assistantship full time. However, I still desired that human companionship. AFter graduate school I made finding a mate my primary goal and ...dare I say it?...intentionally gave up my career pursuits (musician--requires evening and weekend work) I met someone within six months and married him a year later.
I think it's dangerous to encourage people to be overly busy during the single years. I have many friends who are still 'busy' but consequently have no time to find a mate. Certainly don't squak on your attitude, but don't be too busy. The feminist dream is not often true: I don't know many women who have both. (Edit: this is the resident boundless liberal speaking, too! ) :-)
10. Victoria said the following at 11:24 PM on Jul 14:
This article was a great reminder for me. It is so important to remember that God calls us to our time of singleness as a time of usefulness for His kingdom.
The reference to Paul's ministry was especially apt. There is much work,in the church in America and abroad, that unmarried people are best equipped to do.
A book that really helped me view the this period of my life as a period of usefulness is Lady in Waiting by Jackie Kendall. I highly recommend it!
11. Freddie said the following at 1:38 AM on Jul 15:
I think this was a very good article. Some Boundless articles seem a little, well, artificial, but this felt very real. Thanks!
12. Dawnson said the following at 6:39 AM on Jul 15:
While parts of the interview have definitely given me things to think about, I feel like the interviewer completely skipped over the period in their relationship that I was most interested in.
"Now after you two eventually met, you dated for a year and a half. Then you got married, nearly three years ago."
Boom. Done. Met, dated, married, NEXT! Come on! After years of extended singleness you're not going to tell me how it finally came together?! That's the part that worries me in my own life, how am I going to meet someone great when all I seem to do now is work and sit in traffic? Hearing other people's stories of how it all came together is usually encouraging.
Anyway, was really bummed that that section of their relationship was glossed over.
13. Kris said the following at 7:18 AM on Jul 15:
I felt really encouraged by this article! I'm still dealing with singleness. But with God's help, I'm slowly learning how to break out of those habits of self pity and instead learn to trust Him with my life (whether I am single forever or not.) It's hard to not be able to see the unknown future, but God is still good!
14. a sassy sister said the following at 9:32 AM on Jul 15:
I think there was encouragement to be plugged in ministry wise; I didn't see an encouragement of being "too busy." There is a difference between having a life and making time for a relationship, and putting your entire life on hold looking at every turn for a relationship to develop. I think grace, balance, and real community are needed for singles.
15. Suzanne Hadley said the following at 9:54 AM on Jul 15:
Dawnson #12,
Read my story "A Year to Love" on Boundless today!
16. Tami said the following at 10:08 AM on Jul 15:
Dawnson -- Though I too would've liked to know more about how the couple got together, I think the point of *this particular* article was to show what two now-married people did on the road to marriage. Otherwise the article would've been several screens long :) Today's article from Suzanne covers the "how we got together" part in more detail, so perhaps Boundless made an editorial decision to focus that way.
And sassy sister, I agree -- there's a huge difference between filling up one's life with activity (which can merely be a means of *escaping* relationship), and committing to follow one's purpose and calling within the context of community. I think the article was encouraging the latter.
17. SG said the following at 1:02 PM on Jul 15:
Let me start by stating that I do find reinforcement in thoughts about singleness in this article. there are good things about it. BUT
Seriously?! Though their specific age isn't stated, there's a reference to being married after 30, though I don't know if these 2 are even just passed 30. And I state this because there's a big difference between being 23-25 and single and 30 or pushing 30 and single. I guess I was just expecting to hear something from someone who got married for the first time at 40 or 50 since they were "single longer than they expected". I don't deny that Mark and Sarah make good points and that I agree with much of what they say. However, printing an article about people this young and stating that they've been single for so long seems to reinforce the thought "just wait, it'll happen soon." And that's what bothers me. It's like what is made to stand out is what aligns this article to the ever irritating and antagonizing position the church views singles.
I, like Mark and Sarah, am irritated with how Christians view being single. I really enjoy the freedom of being single. I've travelled around the world, served locally and overseas, and have a career I enjoy. But unfortunately, I find that to make a couple meeting at age 30 or sooner sound like "WOW, they made it!" ridiculous. While I do understand it was difficult for them and God did great things in each of them, I find the approach or the angle to defeat the purpose of the article, at least in my eyes.
I realize this may make me sound like a bitter single. But I can assure you that I'm not bitter about being single, only the perspective that me being single is the exception and not the norm...when it clearly is norm.
18. Adam said the following at 1:08 PM on Jul 15:
At 29 I just tell people not to give me advice on relationships; it's a good way for them to get their head bitten off.
I'm a pretty successful, well-rounded, attractive, spiritual guy. I just take issue when people tell me how great it is to have all this "freedom." There just isn't anything that I want to do in life that I couldn't do as well or better with a partner. Someone suggested, I can take a missions trip. Life isn't just missions trips, and some of us just aren't called to do them. Besides I have a career that I can't really take a year away from. Some people suggest that I could do something dumb like buy a motorcycle. Who wants to ride a crappy motorcycle? And if you're poor, all this single 'freedom' doesn't mean anything when you can't afford to do anything anyway (which I'm not).
19. Peter said the following at 5:16 PM on Jul 15:
Dear People...
What do you say to someone who has been seeking God for a wife for over 20 years, without answer?
What do you say to someone who is as active in church as time and talents permit - spending 5 hours on the road every week, just in order to attend?
What do you say when this person believes that God has placed them in a country area, in an industry dominated by men, and where there is a paucity of single women?
What do you say to someone who has a condition that makes communication more difficult, and friendships slower to develop? Who has a limited tolerance for social interaction?
I love the stories and the advice on this site, but some of us aren't quite typical.
Love.......... Peter
(Not bitter. Not despairing. But rather Prov13:12(a))
20. Rebekah W. said the following at 7:44 PM on Jul 15:
This was one of the most helpful articles that I, as a single, have ever read on Boundless. Thank you!
21. Kit said the following at 8:11 PM on Jul 15:
I should clarify that when I say I put my career on hold for a year or two that does not mean I stopped all involvement. But my musician friends are all still single, and in our field, here's why: to be a truly successful performer you have to marry your career. I did stay involved and started my own private studio in fact, but it did not require me to work EVERY night or EVERY weekend as I set my own schedule. I was content with my day job to provide my financial needs for a few years because I wanted to make time for dating...and with classical music, that is VERY hard to do if you truly want to be at the top because it is weekend and evening work for low pay...most of my friends who are successful in the field ARE married to their jobs...and not other people. (I'm also not saying God can't bring two people together. But statistally, in music, even our profs at our Christian school told us this. It's a FACT in my field.)
I just wasn't willing to do that when I'm in the 'dating prime' so to speak (early/mid 20s) By no means did I mean that should be a step everyone should take and I also, just my .02, know plenty of poeple who, in an attempt to escape lonliness, make up tings to do. So I was commenting more on that than the article I suppose but think it's something many people do.
22. Lindsey said the following at 8:13 PM on Jul 15:
I liked this interview...perhaps because I could relate to A LOT of what this couple went through during their single years. I just turned 29 and am reasonably content with being single, however I have found myself struggling with slight depression and loneliness as almost all of my friends are now married (we know how that changes the dynamic of friendships) and many have had their third or fourth child. I am certainly ready, now more than ever before, to get to know someone I would consider marrying. However, I would say that for me, the core issue of discontentment is not a longing for a husband per se, but a need for genuine community out of which I would (hopefully) discover my life partner. I belong to a very family-oriented church where singleness isn't "weird" or alienating...I am without doubt "a part of the family"...prayed for, supported and loved, which is how it should be for all singles in the church. I think what has hit home for me time and again with this article as well as other boundless articles is my need to be more intentional about putting myself in community and even being honest and saying, "I'm struggling with loneliness and need to be surrounded by encouraging people right now"...It's easy for me to retreat or withdraw, I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, so this is a real challenge for me, but I believe that as I make intentionality a greater reality (a necessary move in our hyper-individualistic culture), the Lord will bless it, and new things (perhaps the unexpected?) will happen. Thank you for reminding me of this.
23. Mark said the following at 8:24 PM on Jul 15:
It was really refreshing to have people who have walked through the 'singleness wilderness', share about their perspectives. However like others I don't see someone who was single until their 30s as 'long term single'. I'm over 40, I've been in church all my life. I've not ever had a 'serious girlfriend', but still believe that in God's time I will find my 'helpmeet'.
24. GoingUp2JC said the following at 11:07 PM on Jul 15:
It is inaccurate to portray single years as "years of freedom" because that implies that marriage equals imprisonment.
To me it is like our relationship with Christ...although we have complete freedom, we CHOOSE to be devoted to Him and Him alone and we find DELIGHT in that "slavery"! (It is somewhat of a paradox!) And so it is the same way with my relationship with my husband...I do not feel as though I have lost my "freedom of being single"...instead I find joy in being free to love him and be devoted to him and delight in him.
25. Amanda said the following at 1:47 PM on Jul 16:
As for the "freedom"of bgeing single, well....wouldn't it be lovely to have the luxury of spending money on big trips? Yeah, who has that anymore? I may be single and young and have time for stuff, but I've never had the cash to go on a month long vacation or whatever. Personally, it wouyld be much more fun to do that with a spouse then alone anwyay.
I agree with Goingup2JC, marriage deosn't equal a lack of freedom. You just have a different sort of freedom and different ways to use it.
Lonliness is a nasty thing, but it helps to have family and friends around to support you, though its so easy to turn into a hermit.
I love encouraging stories, and hearing how people made it through their struggles.
26. single at 37 said the following at 7:10 PM on Jul 16:
Why is being married the goal? I've never understood that. I know so many married couples who are unhappy. I've never had a serious boyfriend. I've been ridiculed by women I thought were my friends because I've never had a serious boyfriend. I notice that men don't even look, let alone talk to women who carry a few extra pounds like I do, so I've gotten used to the idea that there won't be anyone in my life. I don't know if that makes me bitter or realistic or both. I just think I'm too old and too overweight now. Plus I've gotten used to my freedom, if I want to go somewhere or do something, I do it. There's no one to argue with me. But people, and I notice its mostly women, keep telling me what a nice catch I am and all these great features. But guys don't seem to notice to them. So I gave up. I live my life the way I want. I'm not unfriendly to men, its just that they don't approach me the way they approach all the little skinny ones. I got tired of putting myself out there to be rejected. So now I do what I want.
27. Dan Real Name said the following at 9:09 PM on Jul 16:
Hi Peter (#19);
I hope I will be the first to respond to you so as to spare you from useless advice from people who married in their 20s and therefore think they have all the answers. I am 41 yrs old and a single male. I cannot relate to you totally regarding your life situation. However, as someone who has been on a lot of dates over the last two years, and still finds myself single, I can tell you from my experience that there are some things in life that are just beyond the simple formulas (i.e., if you do such-and-such, then you will get such-and-such), explanation, empty advice, and thoughtless remarks. I just don't know why I still find myself single.
Sure there are people out there who don't match up what is "typical" - I myself am not typical in that I am a single male in my 40s, I don't obsess over golf or football, I don't sit on 24 church committees, I haven't been on a billion mission trips, and I don't think of myself as Mr Hot Shot Christian Godly Guy, I just am who I am. And over time I have had to learn (and still am learning) that I am not defined by what a few christian authors or bloggers say about me because I am in my 40s and single, but I am who God says I am, and because God is for you and me, so who can be against you and me (Romans 8:31)?
I know that my comments may have not been helpful, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and also that you are not sinning in your desire to have a wife, nor are you sinning because you have no wife.
28. Scott A said the following at 8:56 AM on Jul 17:
Dan, I like your point. Sometimes, we just don't know why God does certain things. We *do* know that God is working everything for our good, and we hold to that. We hold to the promises we have (promises of salvation, renewal, and love, to say the least) because God is faithful.
Many times we just don't know why certain things happen. In my life God has revealed to me why he's done certain things (always for my good). Some things I'll never know exactly why God did them, other than for my good.
With regards to singleness, I could be married within a year, or I could go the rest of my life as I have the first years (without a significant relationship). Either way, God is doing it for our good.
One more thought: I don't like referring to the "freedom" of singleness as "I can do more stuff like travel the world, etc, etc." I personally find it more useful to view it as "I do not have time that is necessarily devoted to the love of my wife and kids". Certainly, if I'm married, I look forward to spending that time. However, with that view, I see my "Freedom" as a single almost as a challenge and an opportunity to redeem it for the kingdom (not that loving your wife and kids isn't, what I'm saying is that I see my freedom as an opportunity to shape how I use my free time for the Lord!).
Don't despair, God is good. I speak as one who just might be older and single one day. :)
29. Catie said the following at 9:39 AM on Jul 17:
Lately I have been struggling with how to balance my life, which is a hard thing for anyone to do. But God has been showing me, little by little, that there are more important things and more exciting things than having a boyfriend and my career. I am longing to do what Sarah and Mark are encouraging us (singles) to do! I want to get involved and be a part of something that is bigger than me and my small view of the world. I want to be adventurous and see what adventure God has for me. But frankly I am scared, I'm scared because I like order, I like to be able to plan for something and I like to have all the elements before I try to put them together to make a whole. So being a single woman, in college, striving for a career, sounds safe to me. But life isn't about being safe is it? No its about being God's child and doing as he calls us to do, which is not always the "safe" thing to do, emotionally or physically. So I am just a woman, struggling with plugging myself into things that don't deal with my career, family, or meeting my future husband. But I'm trying.
30. Hope Rickett said the following at 12:10 PM on Jul 17:
I read the full article on this subject just now and I have to say that I've been alot like mark was before he got married. Lonely, sad and introverted. I've been thinking inwardly instead of upward. i need to invest my time in others lives. I've been single pretty much since 15 and I'm 27 now. If God has someone for me, great! If not, I need to remember that God and only God can sustain me. Marriage is not the be all, end all of life.
31. Erin said the following at 3:43 PM on Jul 17:
I identified a lot with Gracerose (#7). I am 32, and like her, am succesful and have achieved many accomplishments. I admit I could be "out there" a little more in my community but it does get exhausting when you feel like you are already doing all the things you're supposed to do, especially after 12 years. The game is definately different after 30; the stakes seem higher for one thing. And if you want kids, the pressure is worse than ever.
I worry that I am more vulnerable to making compromises (premarital sex for example) for a relationship that I might not have been willing to make in my 20s because I am that lonely.
On the other hand, I have gotten closer with the Lord in the last 6 months as I hit rock bottom with loneliness/depression which in itself might be the whole purpose for this phase of my life. But my desire to have a mate almost becomes an idol because it's something I put in importance above the Lord - I have to watch that.
I have to constantly remind myself that a husband is a gift from God and I can't demand gifts. I have to trust Him (hard when you're unhappy!) and carry on one day at a time with faith. Faith that Jesus does love me and does want good things for me, marriage or not.
32. a sassy sister said the following at 8:46 PM on Jul 18:
Erin:
that's a wonderful attitude to have. I completely understand that you must carry on with faith. Truth is, God's goodness is not based on getting what I want from Him, nor is His nature dependent on whether or not things happen on my timeline(or other people's,for that matter). As a single Christian woman, I really struggle dealing with couples and married friends as a single, especially since it seems that they've entered a new social territory and you have to fight even harder to maintain a friendship with them. What's even harder is dealing with the attitudes that make marriage the norm and denigrate singleness, when the Bible esteems them both. While I believe that secular culture degrades marriage, I am starting to think that American church culture degrades singleness in a reaction to secular culture.