Dating Is Just Fine
by Ted Slater on 07/31/2009 at 5:59 AM
I used to make a big deal differentiating "dating" and "courting." I've lightened up.
To me, a "date" is simply a pre-arranged social engagement with someone to whom you may be attracted. To me, "dating" is a relationship in which two people regularly participate in this kind of engagement.
That's it.
A husband and wife can go out on a date. Both the worldly and the godly can do "dates" and "dating." You know, I'd even go so far as to say that group dates, which have a larger sense of camaraderie than one-and-one dates, could legitimately be considered "dates."
Yeah, maybe I define things more broadly than most.
Here's the thing. You can do "dates" and "dating" in ways that honor God, and in ways that dishonor Him. Simply put, as I've stated before (and updated slightly), I think dating that honors God is characterized by the following:
- Intentionality (moving toward clarity about whether or not to marry)
- Purity
- Community (accountability to parents and/or mentors, and a degree of transparency about the relationship within the couple's community of believers)
- Christian compatibility (serving God better together than apart)
If your dating (or courting, if you prefer that term) includes these characteristics, I think you're doing just fine. If your courting (or dating) is directionless, sexually impure, rejects input from parents or mentors or godly friends, or is not concerned about God's involvement in the relationship, then, to be frank, I think you could do better.
Now, lighten up and go on a date, would ya?
1. kboyd said the following at 6:19 AM on Jul 31:
LOL - love it TED!!!!
2. mary kate said the following at 7:40 AM on Jul 31:
love it. and totally agree. 'how to get a date worth keeping' and 'boundaries in dating,' both by dr. henry cloud, opened my eyes to the idea that a date is just a date.
3. Jayme said the following at 7:53 AM on Jul 31:
"Now, lighten up and go on a date, would ya?"
Is that permission to ask out a man? ;0)
4. Louise from Chicago said the following at 8:51 AM on Jul 31:
All right, now I can sleep at night knowing that Ted Slater thinks "dating" is okay!
:)
5. em said the following at 9:48 AM on Jul 31:
totally agree. well said.
6. BDB said the following at 10:36 AM on Jul 31:
See? Approving all those comments has influenced you. Time for an article on blogging discernment.
7. Texas Aggie said the following at 10:41 AM on Jul 31:
Amen, sir.
I wouldn't want to court for many reasons. One of the less-serious of these is food. After all, in dating I get to take my girlfriend out for delicious meals (which I also get to enjoy). After so many great steaks... courtship just couldn't cut it for me!
8. Jo said the following at 10:59 AM on Jul 31:
You recent posts do seem to show the lighter side of Ted, I like it. And I completely agree. We should not make such a big deal out of these things!!
9. Sylvia said the following at 11:42 AM on Jul 31:
This reminds me of the time I hung out with a couple Christian friends and was introduced to a large group of their friends. I was just inquiring a guy and a girl I had just met who seemed close, so I asked: "Are they...courting?"
My friend gets this really distressed,worried look and says "No, they're DATING."
I had no clue about the distinctions then. Now I try to use more neutral terms like "together" or... "an item"?
10. Tami said the following at 11:42 AM on Jul 31:
Vaguely dating related...
There are some good new articles on the Christianity Today site about not delaying marriage & using the Internet to find a suitable match.
...And may I suggest CT's been snoopin' around Boundless? One of the Line's fair and lovely bloggers is quoted in one of them. :)
11. brx said the following at 12:25 PM on Jul 31:
How about Josh Harris' "courtship, schmourtship"?
...
Yeah, she and I are schmourting.
You're what?
Schmourting. It's just that "dating" and "courting" seem to be such loaded words for many people; so, let me explain what I mean. What we're doing is characterized by these four things ...
Wow, thanks for sharing that; it brings up some important considerations for our relationship.
Grace & adventure in being an open witness :>
12. Suzanne said the following at 1:54 PM on Jul 31:
Tami--- I saw the CT article too! It was very interesting and yes it does sound like it could have come straight from Boundless. Very interesting! And I loved that Boundless got a shout out! :-)
13. Megan said the following at 2:01 PM on Jul 31:
Thank you for saying this, Ted!
14. Craig M. said the following at 2:06 PM on Jul 31:
And after ten years of Joshua Harris-inspired linguistic hysteria, the circle finally comes around to a close and Focus employees start to admit that the whole thing was an embarrassing exercise in Christianese. It's about time.
15. kaj said the following at 5:50 PM on Jul 31:
Now, lighten up and go on a date, would ya?
I would go out on a date if a quality Christian gentleman asks me out! (:
16. Dan real name said the following at 7:20 PM on Jul 31:
After reading Joshua Harris' book many many many years ago, I thought he had made some good points, but I also thought that he had erred in painting all dating relationships as "when you are dating, you are sleeping with your boy/girlfriend, therefore dating is bad" - which hasn't been my experience. I am glad people are finally realizing (albeit late) that dating isn't necessarily a bad thing).
17. Heidi said the following at 6:29 AM on Aug 1:
Agreed. But.... (haha)
Our secular culture does "dating" in a very different way that Christians are called to do it. It *can* be helpful to use a different label to emphasize this distinction, and a great witnessing opportunity as well. In awkward times a brief explanation when asked of why you're using the term such as "my idea of dating is very old-fashioned to the point that the word 'courting' is a more precise label" is all that's needed.
The different words "courting" and "dating" can also be helpful during a debate among Christians as to whether or not our culture's version of dating is appropriate for Christians. We have to call it something. Intentionality, purity, and community are three things that are completely lacking in the world's definition of dating. So when we use the word "dating" the world generally assumes that our kind of dating is their kind of dating. It isn't. There's a time and a place to emphasize the difference and also a time and a place to use the common terms.
In other words, we have no reason to either bash or exalt labels; just use them with the good sense the Lord gave you and we won't have a problem!
18. Ashley said the following at 12:43 PM on Aug 1:
Great post. Can we send this link to all the guys in my church that aren't too concerned in the least about finding wives right now... even though they're all in their mid twenties?
19. Charles said the following at 4:03 PM on Aug 1:
Rock on, Ted. Keep thinking those happy thoughts.
20. Tom said the following at 12:08 PM on Aug 2:
Finally, some sense from the boundless writers. Well said.
21. Jonathon said the following at 5:08 PM on Aug 2:
HAHAHA love it!
22. Angelise said the following at 10:40 AM on Aug 3:
Amen. Thank you. The Christian community has been looking for this kind of advice. In our attempt to battle against a world that is running from the principles of the Kingdom of God, we have created a mess of terms that creates legalistic barriers to living fully in relationships. The goal is and has always been, honoring God. Your bullet points were great. Thanks. Joshua Harris would approve. ;p I think this is what he had been trying to say all along. LOL. We just got so caugth up in the letters of the law, instead of the spirit of it. God, forgive us!
That being said, the question is whether your relationship has a purpose and that purpose being honoring the Lord and possibly marriage. "ARE YOU COMMITTED?" should be the question we're asking. Like a Kenyan man asked my boyfriend and I on the boardwalk yesterday. "If you are not married or engaged, are you committed?" It was refreshing to meet a complete stranger concerned about the focuse of a relationship. Amen. We should all aim to be more like him! :D
23. Phoebe said the following at 12:03 AM on Aug 4:
Jayme, perhaps, under the right circumstances! Ever read the articles about "Pulling a Ruth?"
I like to ask guys out to coffee every so often.
24. em said the following at 11:26 AM on Aug 4:
I also think the four principles you outline here are a lot wiser and less confusing than the ones you start with - based on Croft's article, apparently...
For instance, for some of us "community" is less about authority (which can carry overtones of being told what to do) and more about transparency and humble eagerness for wise counsel.
Also, "better together than apart" puts an appropriate emphasis on the wisdom of knowing each other (not just marrying the nearest Christian single) and moves away from the idea that a relationship is godly to the degree that it conforms to some people's ideas about complementarian doctrine (which, while it doesn't have to be, can be as "rules-driven" as the courtship movement became).
25. Dave said the following at 9:58 AM on Aug 7:
What's wrong with delaying marrage, or even not looking to begin with? I'm not. I'm perfectly happy being alone, doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. And don't give me the "The Bible says men are suppose to get married" balony. I still, despite hanging around on Boundless for quite some time now, fail to see any concrete evidence of that or where that applies to my life. Please do enlighten me. (If this is even posted. I've had a bad time getting messages posted that talk about my lack of a desire to be married. I anxiously awat to see if someone can convence me.)
26. Ted Slater said the following at 3:08 PM on Aug 7:
Dave (#25) -- There is nothing wrong with intentionally pursuing a life without marriage. Indeed, a life a celibacy is very honorable. I can think of several people in Scripture who were able to serve the Lord in peculiarly powerful ways because they remained unmarried. We affirm this pursuit of life-long singleness.
But such a life means no dating, no flirting, no pornography ... and no diminishing of marriage. The Apostle Paul was single, and yet he spoke very highly of marriage, with not a hint of cynicism. He didn't have a girlfriend, and never spoke poorly of marriage.
Dave, if you seek a life without marriage, then may the Lord bless you richly and help you serve Him powerfully.