Thoughts of a Newly Not-Single

Many of you know me as the single girl who writes articles for singles (and not-singles). Well, in March, God began a new chapter in my life: I began the transition to becoming a not-single.

The change was so sudden and unexpected that I have struggled to shift gears. Because of that, I have been hesitant to talk (in a public way) about the godly guy in my life. But God has been working as steadily in my not-single state as He did in my single state, teaching me new things about myself and my relationship with Him. And He's been prompting me to begin talking about it. So here's my first insight as a not-single.

Not-Single Insight No. 1: There's Nothing Wrong With You

Well, technically there is something wrong with you. After all, we are all sinners (Rom. 3:23). But many times during my singleness, I struggled with wondering if there was something about me that was defective. In "Seven Myths Single Women Believe," I wrote:

For a long time I believed that if I were thinner, I would attract a husband. Magazines with images of women with flawless skin and model-thin bodies fuel that inner voice that says, You're not thin enough. You're not pretty enough. Or worse, I wonder if it's my personality. I talk too much. Or I laugh at the wrong times. Or I'm too assertive. It's easy to look at married women and wonder: Why them and not me?

Single women. There is nothing wrong with seeking to improve your faith, character and outward appearance. That's not what I'm saying. But what the Lord has shown me through my relationship with Kevin is that the right kind of relationship affirms the person God has created you to be. The first time I met Kevin, I was wearing a wordless book bracelet. (Read the story of the wordless book).

It was the night before I began serving at VBS at my church and I had made the bracelets for all the kids in my class. It happened to be an outward sign of a core passion of mine: child evangelism. I was meeting a friend at Starbucks and the barista asked me: "Where did you get that bracelet?!"

I was surprised to have the bracelet recognized. I told the barista, who introduced himself as Kevin, that I was teaching VBS and he said: "I'm going to be a children's pastor!" Our initial conversation and "click" arose from something that was integral to who I am. The words from my "7 Myths" article reveal a diminished understanding of God's purpose for relationships. Changing who you are to attract someone veers away from God's design for bringing people together. I'm not saying it's not a great temptation to try to be something "better" to attract a special someone's attention. However, our calling is to be the people God created us to be. After all, a childish bracelet and accompanying childlike enthusiasm may deter one fellow, but it may be irresistible to another.

God is teaching me that the best kind of relationship is one where each person's God-given traits and gifts are affirmed in the presence and personality of the other.

Comments

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1. Tami said the following at 5:01 PM on Jun 2:

Hey, that's really cool. Thanks for sharing.

'Round my parts, though, if I wore a wordless book bracelet, people'd probably think it was a Rastafarian statement. ;)

But back to your point... Be who you are. Because I can also say from experience: *changing* who you are to make someone else happy will tend to make you *unhappy* -- and likely wouldn't please someone who wanted you to change, anyway.

2. BDB said the following at 5:25 PM on Jun 2:

Ah yes, the Wordless Book.

For our short-term mission trip to Cambodia last year, the host oranization asked us to prepare a Bible study to be delivered to villagers waiting in line for the medical clinic. I was assigned the task, and after praying about it, decided to bring along the materials and hand out Wordless Books.

After handing them out to the mostly children present, we walked through the relevant verses for each color, first in English, and then in Khmer.

I can't say there were a lot of decisions made based on our presentation. However, for the existing Christians in the villages, this was a new tool. They immediately understood how to use it in evangelism. In one village it was a 10-year-old that was excited at how she could use it to talk with other kids in the village. A very excited little evangelist!

In another, the village pastor who spoke no English got up at the end of presentation and asked if he could ask some questions of his villagers. For several minutes he went through the book in Khmer to help them understand better.

Since the size of our audiences was about twice as big as we expected, we ended up going to a local office-supply store and buying more materials to make books in-country. They can make them for themselves going forward. It was very satisfying to be able to introdce a new tool - one that will be useful long after we returned to the United States.

3. Ned said the following at 5:47 PM on Jun 2:

I will nitpick your word choice from your quoted article, but I affirm your statement. I understand that your sentiment is that women need not feel like they have to emulate 'model-thin' women they see in magazines. I think that 'model' is the wrong word. Yes, they are models, and you are referencing their typical thinness, so the analogy is correct. The word 'model', though, means 'a standard or example for imitation or comparison'. I don't think it is entirely accurate that to say that the level of thinness found in models is something to be used as a model in the same. A photo model isn't something to be emulated like a model student. To say that someone who poses for a camera is a model defines that person as the standard by which others should be judged, which I think we agree is not that idea. The fact that other are judged (or judge themselves) based on that image is often tragic. So: I agree with you, and then some.

4. Stephanie said the following at 6:01 PM on Jun 2:

Thank you for this post, Suzanne. It was a great reminder of something I don't hear enough, especially from your perspective of a "newly not single." Thanks!!

And congrats, too! What a fun story. I'm looking forward to hearing what else you learn through this experience!

5. Krissie said the following at 6:05 PM on Jun 2:

Thanks so much for sharing, as a still-single person, I appreciate the insight of someone one step ahead of me, as you reflect on your singleness and the transition your making.

Please keep writing about it!

6. k.k. said the following at 8:08 PM on Jun 2:

This is very encouraging to read! Thanks for sharing and please keep us updated on the transition because I know some of us singles may benefit from it.

7. Bria said the following at 8:15 PM on Jun 2:

So excited for you, Suzanne! And, thank you. This was exactly what I needed to hear tonight.

8. Kaley said the following at 8:18 PM on Jun 2:

Cool! I totally agree...the problem is with all the guys.

Okay, I'm totally kidding.

9. Tee said the following at 9:50 PM on Jun 2:

This really spoke to me. Thank you so much. I can't wait for more lessons!

10. Carol said the following at 10:26 PM on Jun 2:

Thanks for the encouraging words.

I know I am who God made me to be. There are things I can improve, but many aspects of my body, mind, and personality just are what they are. Knowing that God made them that way on purpose really helps me to trust Him more.

And your story proves that God can provide a person who appreciates my unique personality in His time, at His pace.

11. Keith said the following at 11:20 PM on Jun 2:

Congratulations on your new relationship !!! For me, I was 24 before I dated, so I understand that the wait can be tough.

Being in a relationship can certainly validate the good things about you. But have you ever considered that you were single for so long BECAUSE you were such a great catch. Some people find trouble settling down not because they are flawed but because they are too good for most. It's the same with some people and their careers; they may be fired from numerous jobs, not because they are a poor worker, but because they are actually overqualified and need to try something harder. I think the same applies to relationships.

Anyway, good luck....

12. Callie said the following at 11:41 PM on Jun 2:

What a great story! Thanks so much for sharing!

13. Leah said the following at 12:10 AM on Jun 3:

Ned (3) - I think her use of the word "model" was completely acceptable. "Model" does not just have one definition. Not only does it mean the definition you posted, but it is also the name of an occupation, which was how Suzanne was using it. If I said "she's as thin as a model", people would know I'm talking about the occupation 'model', not the "someone worth emulating" 'model'.

14. AY said the following at 2:10 AM on Jun 3:

Thanks so much for sharing this insight! Please keep sharing more.....I'd love to hear more!!!

15. Lizzie said the following at 5:00 AM on Jun 3:

What a great story Suzanne! It's also just what I needed to hear. There's hope for me and other thirty-somethings yet ;)

16. Lerato said the following at 6:37 AM on Jun 3:

Hey Suzzane,

thanks for the insight- it does help insecure-prone girls like myself who think that they are too odd to ever be liked by anybody.

I am also considering to email a portion of your post to some of my guy friends who we were arguing with yesterday about the types of girls that tend to be, basically as a peace flag.

Thanks again and happy being "not-single"
Lerato

17. Carrie (the original) said the following at 6:38 AM on Jun 3:

"God is teaching me that the best kind of relationship is one where each person's God-given traits and gifts are affirmed in the presence and personality of the other."

Very well said, Suzanne. I also have recently started the transition to being "non-single". I am amazed at how well my prayers have been answered. It's been realized on both sides that this is totally a God thing.
I am definitely not a super-model by any stretch of the imagination and, yet, he is still attracted to me. That just baffles me.
I will be interested to see how your story unfolds, Suzanne. I am happy for you!
Let's hope that the exhiliration of this new chapter of our lives keeps up more - and not less - dependent on the One who is making all this happen.

18. Suzanne (not the author Suzanne...another Suzanne!) said the following at 7:23 AM on Jun 3:

Congrats Suzanne! That's so wonderful!!

Can't wait to see what God can teach you through this relationship. I hope you two will spur each other on in your walks with Christ and give God all the glory for this fun time of dating! :-)

19. LeeLee said the following at 8:07 AM on Jun 3:

Hi Suzanne, I'm a newly not single person as well. I'm completely with you - it's been a bit of an adjustment. All my closest friends have been in relationships for the past few years and I was always the "single one." Your whole mindset shifts when you realize that there is someone who adores you just as God made you. But anyway, great article and congrats!!

20. Jorden said the following at 8:07 AM on Jun 3:

Awesome congrats Suzanne! And thanks for sharing :).

Yeah, I would say definitely be who you are. No one want's someone who is being fake.

Isn't it awesome how God can make such a difference by a random little encounter you didn't expect? I met my current girlfriend quite unexpectedly, and it was even funnier because I wasn't looking for a girlfriend at the time(I was hoping to start college before I got involved in another relationship). But I could tell there was chemistry when we met; so I worked towards getting to know her through e-mail and church. And after getting to know her some I felt like it was God's will for me to pursue her as "more than friends". So now it has been 8 months since I met her and we have been officially dating a little over a month ^_^.

21. rachel said the following at 8:39 AM on Jun 3:

I experienced a similar flash of understanding when things got serious with my now-husband. I realized that to maintain a relationship as intense as a lifelong commitment requires, there's no way I could keep up any sort of facade. I wish I'd been able to receive that message sooner. Oh well, it's a great blessing to meet someone who delights in you, even if what attracts them is out of the mainstream. I'm very happy for you!

22. Michelle said the following at 8:45 AM on Jun 3:

I'm newly not-single too, but I'm driven to change because I'm in a relationship. Just the fact that I'm with a godly man spurs me on to be closer to God, to improve my relationships with other people and to get in better shape. But I don't think that was the kind of change that you're talking about, is it?

23. Sarah P. said the following at 9:00 AM on Jun 3:

Suzanne and Carrie (#17), I am not at all surprised to "see" this news. From the posts and comments I have witnessed on here, I think you all have a lot of wisdom. Glory and praise be to God; I hope and pray that it works out in a wonderful way.

24. Carrie (the original) said the following at 10:31 AM on Jun 3:

Michelle (#22) - while wanting to more secure in Christ, more outwardly beautiful, and a better friend aren't bad things in and of themselves, my question to you is "why?"
I won't pretend to know your heart, but based on my own short-thus-far dating experience the temptation to make the other person's approval your "arriving point" is incredibly strong. In fact, the only thing that keeps that attention at bay is (silently) chanting to myself "He's not Jesus. He's not Jesus. Not Jesus. Not Jesus. He's not Jesus."
Silly, yes, but it helps me in immeasureable ways.
The guy I am dating has faults (many of which I am oblivious to and those that I'm not obvlivious to are kinda endearing) and this helps to remind me that he isn't the Savior of my soul.
Heaven help me if I ever think that he is.

Comment # 23 - Thanks, but as Suzanne's original article (7 Myths) points out, "getting someone" doesn't equate godliness.
I know of some very ungodly people who have been married for years and are making a mockery of the sacred institution.
Relationships are a means of sanctification, as are children. As a woman in my church often says "God will sanctify you, one way or another!"
Relationships are a gift, but if done well, they will tear you up one side and down the other. Or so I've been told. ;)

25. brx said the following at 10:37 AM on Jun 3:

What an insightful wordsmith you are, Suzanne! What a great quote about intimate partnership - I'm going to use that one! (with proper credit of course :) I might temper for some I share with by cautioning to be careful not to use "God-given trait" as an excuse for issues that we don't want to deal with.

Grace, peace & adventure!

26. Kit said the following at 11:28 AM on Jun 3:

That's a great post, and it's something I experienced when dating my now husband as well.

I remember the first time I had messed up hair and he saw it, I kind of freaked out. I thought, "oh no! I look a mess." He just laughed at me. "I think you're cute."

It really does change the way you see, there really isn't anything wrong with you. He still says that. :-)

27. Sarah P. said the following at 11:34 AM on Jun 3:

(#24): Thanks, but as Suzanne's original article (7 Myths) points out, "getting someone" doesn't equate godliness.

Of course not. I only meant that I have seen characteristics up to this point that it seemed to me were indicative of an attractive personality. Not that I would really know, of course, since I am female. :D

28. Trisha in AR said the following at 1:39 PM on Jun 3:

Love this story! What a great reminder of being true to ourselves. Blessings do come from this!

Congrats on the relationship.:)

29. Olivia said the following at 2:51 PM on Jun 3:

"Magazines with images of women with flawless skin and model-thin bodies fuel that inner voice that says, You're not thin enough. You're not pretty enough. Or worse, I wonder if it's my personality".

Suzanne, I can relate to your posting about a possible personality flaw. As a late 20-something single, this has often come to mind as to why I don't have a potential someone in my life. Immediately, I am labeled as quiet and reserved, which I am but I often thought it was something that I had to change. I realize now that in my quietness, I have become a good listener and in my reserve, I can observe others. These qualities have allowed me to give counsel to others.

I've also wondered if I've been called to singleness but I haven't received any confirmation in this. Like you said, God knows my desire to get married and have children. My life, despite any valleys of lonliness I may be experiencing at the moment, is rich with ministry, family, work and most importantly intimacy with God.

When I was in my previous relationship, I came to know first hand what it feels like to have sin seperate me from my relationship with Christ and that is not something I want to experience again..ever! In the midst of my pain, I know that God still finds beauty as I pour out my heart to Him. In the last two years, if I could encapsule my faith walk with God into one word, it would have to be TRUST. Many times I've told the Lord that I trust Him and my desire is to align my will with His and not vice versa.

My favorite part of any love story is the "meet cute" and I think yours is very cute =) Enjoy the journey God has in store for you with Kevin!

30. Ned said the following at 9:46 PM on Jun 3:

Leah (13) - I suppose my nitpick is better aimed at how society has developed the language such that the same word is used for two things where a correlation should not always exist. For model to mean both 'a standard or example for imitation or comparison' and a person who makes their living in front of a camera lens because their appearance matches an contrivance of someone's ideals invites comparison, which I think we can agree is illegitimate.

31. Vanessa said the following at 7:59 AM on Jun 4:

Off to make a wordless book bracelet...

32. Sarah said the following at 11:07 AM on Jun 4:

I needed to hear that! Thanks Suzanne! :-)

33. Lydia said the following at 11:06 PM on Jun 4:

Thank you for sharing, Suzanne!

34. Leah said the following at 11:52 PM on Jun 4:

My comment is sort of coming as a tangent from Michelle (22) and Carrie (24)'s comments.

I never put up any sort of facade before I began dating anybody. Any of the guys who were potential boyfriends knew me for at least a while beforehand and saw me for who I was. When I began dating my now-husband, there was no pressure for me to make myself "better" to gain his approval... because I knew I already had his approval. However, the desire to make myself "better" in many aspects was still there because I knew God had commanded it (spiritually), because my boyfriend liked it (physically, emotionally, mentally etc) and it was just plain better! (all of the above).

I guess if I had started dating someone who I had not known much beforehand, the temptation to make myself look better might have been there... but then again, I never had any desire to go out with someone I didn't already know reasonably well.

Ned (30) - I think you're spot on there. It's sad that a word which suggests we should emulate someone has been applied to people who are not always good people to emulate. Society has made the distinction, though, between models and role models, so that is helpful.

35. Emily said the following at 10:35 AM on Jun 5:

Suzanne, I loved this! Thanks so much for it! :]

Some of my friends get down in the dumps about being single, and I'm usually the one to lift them up, even though I'm single, too (at the ripe ol' age of 17, haha). They say the same exact things you stated:

"For a long time I believed that if I were thinner, I would attract a husband. Magazines with images of women with flawless skin and model-thin bodies fuel that inner voice that says, You're not thin enough. You're not pretty enough. Or worse, I wonder if it's my personality. I talk too much. Or I laugh at the wrong times. Or I'm too assertive. It's easy to look at married women and wonder: Why them and not me?"

but that's so not true! and I'm really glad you reiterated it on here. thanks again!

36. Scott said the following at 10:26 PM on Jun 8:

I know Suzanne is female, but does the same advice apply to guys too? Or if girls aren't responding to a guy asking them out, is there something wrong with the guy*?

*For the sake of this I'm excluding things like "guy is not a Christian", and any severe things.

37. Rachael said the following at 9:17 AM on Jun 9:

re: 36

Remember many types of people marry...those of us with lots of things wrong with us, and those of us with many things wrong with us, and perhaps some with a few (obvious, but probably lots of hidden) things wrong.

But not all those types are meant to marry everyone...Everyone's not drawn to everyone; everyone's not meant for everyone...

So if the person's not interested? Must not be your future mate, or it's not 'the time'...