The Highest Virtue
by Ashley Ramsey on 06/10/2009 at 3:05 PM
I’m editing a pre-marriage module for the Focus on the Family marriage subsite. One of the articles I'm trying to cut down is First Year Off by Jonathan Dodson. He wrote it for Boundless a couple years ago. I've had to take off my reading glasses and have a come to Jesus moment here in my cubical over this article.
That's the thing about working at a Christian webzine, if your heart's sensitive to the Holy Spirit the stuff you have to edit, read, and write can really be convicting. (I guess that's not so much the thing about working at a Christian webzine as just being sensitive to the Spirit. Which unfortunately, I'm often not.)
The first part of the article made me feel pretty warm and fuzzy about my upcoming nuptials but as I neared the last section Jonathan's words began to rub against one of my idols: efficiency.
Here was the conversation I had with Jonathan (in my head) as I read. The brackets are the things that Jonathan didn't actually say. Ted said that in real life Jonathan is a nice guy, so I'm sure he won't mind too much that I'm putting words in his mouth.
***
Jonathan Dodson: Time isn't money and efficiency isn't the highest virtue—
Ashley Harris: WHAT?! Who told you that? Well whoever it was…they lied. Efficiency most certainly is the highest virtue.
Jonathan Dodson: [Wait a minute now, let me finish.] Time isn't money and efficiency isn't the highest virtue — love is — and love can be very inefficient.
Ashley Harris: Have you been talking to Brian?
Jonathan Dodson: [Brian who? And…uh…couldn’t you just read the article and stop interrupting me.]
Ashley Harris: Brian. My fiancé. All this talk about love not being efficient sounds a lot like something he would say. He’s asks me to do stuff that’s completely inefficient in time and energy saying that it’s important to him and it makes him feel loved. Like waiting on him to fix his car so we can do errands together. Me watching him change oil doesn’t make sense when I could be picking up dry cleaning and buying groceries. Did he tell you to write this?
Jonathan Dodson: [No. I’m pretty sure I wrote this article long before you got engaged. Unless you’ve been engaged since 2007.]
Ashley Harris: Okay, then. Go on…
Jonathan Dodson: [Like I was saying in my article,] a few weeks ago we got a babysitter and took an entire weekend to ourselves. This weekend occurred just before I left for an overseas trip on Sunday night. I returned on Friday to preach my first Easter sermon. Over the next two weeks I had to finalize a master's thesis, fly to Texas for an interview, defend my thesis and prepare another sermon. Oh, and there was my other part-time job. I could have really used that weekend away to work on my thesis or sermon. From a productive standpoint it was a pretty inefficient weekend.
Ashley Harris: No kidding. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything but think about all the stuff I had to get done. Like last night, I had a dress fitting that took wayyyyy longer than they said it would. There were invitations to work on, and I was packing to go out of town for my friend's wedding, and I was cooking dinner, and I had the worst attitude and barely managed to ask Brian about his day—
Jonathan Dodson: [Not to be rude, but this is my story.]
Ashley Harris: Oh, right. Sorry about that. Guess I’m still a little stressed about those invitations.
Jonathan Dodson: [Invites can be stressful. But like I was saying,] efficiency isn't my highest virtue. Well, at least I strive for it not to be. In choosing to take that time off, my wife and I had one of the most intimate, fun, and insightful times we've had in a while. By taking a step back from vocational and social responsibilities at work, church, and/or school, we were able to spend more time knowing and loving one another. In turn, that led to a greater relational intimacy and understanding, which fueled our marriage for the future.
Ashley Harris: Uh...I need to get back to editing your article.
As you can see I didn't have anything else to say to Jonathan. I was silenced by conviction. Deep down I believe that efficiency is the highest virtue even though I know it’s not. How can it be when scripture says that the greatest virtue is love?
I want to get to a place where I can choose to do seemingly inefficient things with the people I love instead of always doing what “makes sense.” I want their happiness to make more sense to me than getting things done my way.
1. jd said the following at 3:51 PM on Jun 10:
Hi, Ashley. I can really relate to your post. My fiance thinks it's great when I watch him work on something that really does not interest me... like changing the oil in his car or working outside on some yard project. I don't know why guys enjoy this, but they do. I would rather be efficient by working on something else, but he enjoys the time together so much that it is well worth it. I've really been trying to be more loving in this way... still working on that!! And yes, invitations really are stressful!!! Sometimes it's hard to remember that planning for your marriage is much more important that planning the wedding day. :)
2. Tammy said the following at 3:52 PM on Jun 10:
Sounds like the quick path to being a bridezilla.
3. Ashley Harris said the following at 4:17 PM on Jun 10:
Bridezilla? I resent that ;)
4. Rachel said the following at 4:29 PM on Jun 10:
My boyfriend is the opposite way. He loves getting things done and being productive. We are long distance right now and sometimes when we talk on the phone we don't have very much to say and I would like him to stay on the phone with me even if we aren't saying much because I feel like it is being with him, but he feels like that is pointless and he would rather get off the phone and be productive...
5. Jonathan Dodson said the following at 4:30 PM on Jun 10:
Honest, insightful, funny, and creative...and I didn't mind the brackets!
Grace to you as you approach marriage, Ashley. It's a wonderful gift.
6. brx said the following at 6:56 PM on Jun 10:
Ha-ha! Ashley, that's awesome! And, you hit on a big reason we need to be careful in grumbling and criticizing churches and leadership. Sometimes real love does not accomplish changes as fast as we'd like it. :-\
Grace, peace & patient adventure to get your hands greasey & oily under the car too! - many guys dig it when the girl is willing to get dirty with them! :)
7. Mike said the following at 7:01 PM on Jun 10:
jd (#1) wrote:
My fiance thinks it's great when I watch him work on something that really does not interest me... like changing the oil in his car or working outside on some yard project. I don't know why guys enjoy this, but they do.
Heh, heh...I could just say, "It's a guy thing," but I'll resist and actually explain.
Men built intimacy through shared activities, not necessarily through shared conversation. This is starkly different from women. Allow me to illustrate:
Husband (who has spent the day fishing with his buddy): Hi, honey! I'm home!
Wife: Hey! Did you have a good time?
Husband: Great time! Jim and I had a blast.
Wife: What did you talk about?
Husband: Uh...nothing. We just fished.
Wife: Nothing? You spent all day together fishing, and you talked about...nothing?
Husband: Uh...yeah, that's right.
Wife: How can you have a great day without any conversation at all? I don't get it...
Emerson Eggerichs calls it "shoulder to shoulder" time. Guys can spend all day in a boat together, saying nothing more profound than, "Pass me a soda", and feel as though they've really connected. It's the same with their wives. When he wants you to sit and watch him do something, he's looking for that shoulder to shoulder time. To him, that's building intimacy...but to her, it's puzzling at best.
So, in the same way you just want to chat with him, even when you have no actual information to impart (which is completely alien to the male mind), he wants you to be with him when he's performing some activity he enjoys. In both cases, it's an intimacy-building activity.
So when he wants you to watch him change the oil - or play his favorite video game - just humor him and pretend it's as though you wanted to chat just for the sake of chatting. It's a guy thing.
:-)
8. Kelly said the following at 7:26 PM on Jun 10:
An extreme example of this - I once dated someone who WALKED TOO SLOWLY for me.
(I'm high energy, and charge down the street, always anxious to get to the next location/appointment/whatever. He was the type to amble slowly, stopping and smelling the flowers.)
It was soooo funny when we'd walk holding hands; I'd always end up tugging him along.
9. Rachael said the following at 9:45 PM on Jun 10:
"I want their happiness to make more sense to me than getting things done my way. "
Beautiful. Selflessness isn't usually my automatic reaction, though.
Waiting for my 'one' isn't my funnest of activities for me either. I don't constantly do that, outside the house, though. I think I had more moments before marriage where I'd be 'waiting' for him...but these days generally my 'waiting' situations don't involve him at all. Mainly because a ferry separates my current abode from civilization. Just kidding...only slightly about the civilization part, though.
10. Alex said the following at 3:40 AM on Jun 11:
Thanks so much for this Ashley. I found it really helpful and look forward to reading the edited articles. I love efficiency, making lists, working to a schedule, but sometimes I make the schedule so tight, I don't have quality time to spend with people. I think it applies to friendships as much as spouses. I'm trying to allow more sponataneity in my life to enable better relationships. I feel God is teaching me about my pride and selflishness. Just because I have a plan and a schedule, doesn't mean my activities are more important than someone else's and should take priority over serving others and loving them.
Thanks again for sharing this.
11. Robert said the following at 3:59 AM on Jun 11:
Good article... two thumbs up for you.
I learned about "inefficient" love few years ago, but apparently down the road I have forgotten it.
I was trained as an engineer, I used to work as an engineer, and I want to spend my productive years in engineering. Indeed, I feel that I am a natural born engineer. As an engineer all I have learned is all about efficiency. By definition, to be efficient means to do things correctly. Of course I understand that love is great, and I have tried to live my life based on "fuzzy" stuff called love. It felt great but everything started going creepy.
I started to ask myself: is this a proper life for every human being, especially Christian? Everything feels wonderful, everybody is happy, but I saw "holes" everywhere—some are really big holes. Are we supposed to let it be and go on with our "happily ever after" life? Sometimes I feel that we need to hit down somebody so that he/ she wakes up and starts figuring out what is happening. Sometimes I even think we should leave absolutely hopeless fellows who want to listen only whatever they want to listen and to do only whatever they want to do. How can this kind of people get their lives straight? Even God's forgiveness will not apply for those who are unrepentant. I felt like living in a fantasy land. I was not sure whether that was what God wants (well, if it was, let it be; who am I to say no?).
Even at times I ask: what is love? I know that Christ has died for us because of His greatest love. We have to love our neighbors; we should love our spouses. But why do we love them? Even when you choose your fiancé or spouse you apply certain criteria. How do you know that you love your God, your spouses and your family? Nowadays people say so many things about love until we don’t really know about love. People say: Jesus loves you, I love you, let’s make love, etc but my mind and my heart still don’t understand. I still can’t really reconcile love and order (efficiency).
Any comment?
12. BY said the following at 7:13 AM on Jun 11:
To all church folks,
First things should come first. God should be first in our lives, our utmost priority, as love comes from God. However, we should first put our own House in order. Putting our own House in order means not pretending to be someone we are not, and means seeking the truth, seeking purity, righteousness, humbleness, mercy and justice. Otherwise, God’s spirit will depart from our House and the covenant with God’s people will be broken. Closing our eyes to injustice, and pretending that the truth is a lie and the wrong is right is not something that will make God be proud of us. One day what was hidden will be made known and better we are not ashamed when everything is exposed and revealed into the light. Putting our own House in order means above all letting go of our own self and trusting Jesus with all that is in our messy life, and that’s when true love can step in our lives. Then, serving God and serving others will be a joy and not a burden, and then, one day we’ll reap eternal rewards in heaven because of the seeds we have sown while here on earth thanks to the Spirit that dwells within us.
God’s peace and grace to all!
13. Kim said the following at 9:56 AM on Jun 11:
Re #11
I was trained as an engineer... As an engineer all I have learned is all about efficiency.
Ditto. I think efficiency is the highest value in engineering. When your schooling and career drill this into your brain every day, it's hard to shake.
It does help to remember that love isn't always efficient. And that I answer to God for my time. He's the one who measures and evaluates my day, not anyone else. His metric isn't efficiency, it's... what would you say? Obedience? Loving God and loving each other, the greatest commandments?
So if I love, and it isn't efficient... if the number of activities I could have done today decreased because I wasn't multitasking... what have I really lost? I believe God gives us just enough time to accomplish his will every day.
14. Kari said the following at 1:39 PM on Jun 11:
Mike-- thanks for your insight!! I REALLY appreciate it. I try so hard to do this for my boyfriend because I just had an inkling that I should. But now I actually get it. Wonderful.
15. Mike said the following at 2:43 PM on Jun 11:
Kari (#14) -
My pleasure.
16. IMO said the following at 2:49 PM on Jun 11:
#7
That's my husband too!
I definitely get it, though. Plus I feel special that he wants my company.
Don't ever want that to change. :)
17. brx said the following at 3:59 PM on Jun 11:
Re: Robert [#11];
I hear ya. I kind of look at as if we're all working on this really complex project - so complex that no one engineer can quite understand everything that is going on at any one moment outside of his area. God is the higher-level director who is coordinating multiple agendas and has the visibility to do that. God tells me to focus on a few things and try to leave room for the unexpected - and to be flexible when the need for a change comes in. God is also trying to groom me for some management responsibility - where things are less determinate and more finesse is required to deal with more unknowns and the uniqueness of people's personalities.
Efficiency is still really good, but in the big project we have to realize there are more agendas and goals involved than our own - and ours are not always the most important.
Grace, peace & adventure!
18. BY said the following at 10:50 PM on Jun 11:
Robert #11,
Does it matter how many "efficient" things have you done in your life if you do not enter the kingdom of Heaven? Does it matter how much do you love in your life if you do not enter the kingdom of Heaven? So, please first worry about entering the kingdom and do every possible effort to enter it. Because, outside the kingdom there will be a lot of pain and suffering, gnashing of teeth, etc., and your life with all its "efficiency" will turn out to be absolutely meaningless outside the kingdom. Please read John 14:15.
19. BY said the following at 5:33 AM on Jun 12:
To all church folks again:
On the topic of putting our House in order and about the greatest virtue in our lives:
During the time of the prophet Jeremiah the kingdoms of Judah and Israel were prosperous and erected lots of tall and beautiful temples and buildings. There were many religious people in Judah and Israel during the time of the prophet Jeremiah. However, when the young lad, Jeremiah, started to prophesy, nobody really paid any attention to him. Just the opposite, he was disturbing people’s peace and being a nuisance that people, especially the religious leaders, tried the hardest to avoid. However, when the Babylon army reached Jerusalem, all Jeremiah’s prophesies appeared to be near to their ultimate fulfillment. So, did the people and the religious leaders realize that they were wrong from the very beginning and decided to turn back to their God? Did they start believing Jeremiah’s words now that the enemy was right at their doorstep? No. They accused Jeremiah of trying to discourage the soldiers by suggesting that they should trust God and surrender to the enemy so they would not be hurt. Hence, they threw Jeremiah into the well and almost killed him. Why would they continue being so stubborn and obstinate to the most obvious and do such a horrible thing to the only true prophet of God among them? And all this, after they started seeing everything that Jeremiah warned about coming true? However, at this point in time, people, especially the religious leaders, had told so many lies about Jeremiah and his character that no one was listening or paying attention to him as no one was listening or looking for God. Yet, they knew that God was speaking but they preferred to save their good name and good image in public and refused to admit that they might have been wrong. Ultimately, they refused to let go of the idols in their hearts and turn back to the true God. We all know the rest of the story.
Jesus turned to the wealthy and the prosperous and told them to let go of their wealth and possessions and give them to the poor and come and follow him. Jesus said to the people that they should give them to the poor, not to the poor believers and not only to those who deserved, but just to give them away and let go of everything. Jesus told them to give if someone asks them and to give even more than what they were asked. Jesus told them to show mercy and pity to the least of these, believers and unbelievers, deserving and undeserving, the same way God has shown them mercy and pity when he forgave them their sins and allowed them to come into the Kingdom of God through his Son. So, if you see a Jeremiah around you, constantly nagging you, stop and consider your position in the world to come before you ignore him looking down on him. God cannot be bought with gold and money, and good name and image in public will not get you into heaven. Jerusalem during the time of the prophet Jeremiah used to be a very beautiful city on the outside but inside was corrupted and depraved. However, if we give away even to those who do not deserve, and if we bless those who curse us, God will honor our giving because he will know we are doing it for him and not for ourselves and God will bless us with much more than we have ever given away. Most importantly, turning back to God and relying solely on Him means letting go of everything: money, possessions, pride, ego, prestige, power, prejudice, lies and judgmental attitudes as a way to define oneself in relation to other people; letting go of everything because nothing is worth as much as entering the kingdom of God and obeying His will. If we let go of our lives now, we will surely find true life in the world to come.
If you say you believe in Jesus and he has forgiven your sins, but you still hold on to your life and your sin, you should ask yourself if you really have known the power of God in your life. What do you actually know and believe about Jesus because he made it quite clear – in order to enter the kingdom of God, you should let go of everything that you hold on in this life?
God’s peace and grace to all!
20. brx said the following at 2:41 PM on Jun 12:
Re: BY [#18];
It looks like you assumed Robert [#11] is not in the Kingdom of God. Whay would you think that?
The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob is also a God of order. God's order and Kingdom can certainly encompass efficiency in God's ways. From the Bible, it seems clear that God is concerned for good stewardship in all things. Being efficient is part of being a good steward. I think God is efficient - in that He knows what is effective and what is not - in accomplishing His goals.
When we think God or love is not being efficient, we might not be measuring against the accomplishment of God's agenda. To correctly guage efficiency, one has to know what the goal is. God's agenda and goals may not always be obvious, but I'm content to keep Him as the company director. :)
Grace, peace & adventure!
21. Rachael said the following at 11:12 AM on Jun 17:
Someone wrote: "Even at times I ask: what is love?"
Love is complicated. I think it would be interesting to do a study on the types of love and see which words are used in different places of the Bible.
English has one word - love - that is used to cover different types of love. But you don't love hot chocolate in the same way that you love your mom, for instance.
Not all love requires feeling to act. Like 'agape', for example...
Anyway, love is confusing, but maybe remembering there are different types of love would help the confusion a little...