Not-Single Insight No. 2: Be Open to the Unexpected
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 06/05/2009 at 11:15 AM
Some of you who read "Thoughts of a Newly Not-Single" about how I met my boyfriend Kevin, may have noticed a puzzling time lapse: Met perfect-for-me, evangelism-bracelet-recognizing-guy in June; became not-single in March.
It was perfect and it was not perfect.
Two weeks after our initial meeting, I discovered that Kevin was significantly younger than me. We both decided at that moment (though of course unspoken) that the age difference was a deal breaker.
And so, life returned to normal and all thoughts of anything between us were forgotten. Kind of. The thing was, Kevin just kept popping up in my life. A month after we met, he was hired as a children's ministry coordinator at my church, so I saw him each Sunday. Then I organized a fundraising comedy improv show in the fall, and the woman in charge of finding actors recruited Kevin to act in the show.
Our interactions through those months, though completely platonic, revealed to each of us the character and vision of the other. Because I served fifth graders at our church, Kevin would hear about what I was doing from members of the children's ministry staff. I would watch his leadership in the children's area as well as among our peers.
In his sermon series on Song of Solomon, Tommy Nelson talks about Paul's analogy of a race for the Christian life. Nelson points out that as Christian singles "run the race" God has set before them, they should be looking to see who is to their right and left as they run. Who is keeping pace, running nearby, heading the same direction? "Ask that person to run a few laps," he says (speaking to the men). "That's dating or courtship."
That was Kevin's and my experience. As we were running (metaphorically), we would keep glancing over and seeing the other person. The final straw was when he asked me to co-lead a young adult Bible study at the beginning of this year. I accepted, still in a platonic state of mind, but the connection and cooperation we experienced as we began to do ministry together was too great to ignore. Eventually, we prayed through the age difference issue and felt peace about proceeding in spite of it.
Some dating and married friends of mine have described similar barriers that had to be overcome in their relationships. My sister had to accept her now-husband's speech impediment. Another friend had to come to terms with her boyfriend's diabetes. A third worked through being more highly educated than her intended. The violation of one's expectations can come in many forms.
In "7 Myths Single Women Believe" I wrote:
Just as my junior high mind projected who I would recognize as "the one," my grown-up self entertains expectations of how I'll feel when my "soul mate" arrives on the scene. The truth is, God knows best the kind of man who will inspire me to greater devotion to Him. As I seek the Lord, I can trust Him to reveal that person to me in whatever way He sees fit.
The benefit of a not-perfect element to the relationship is that when God overcomes the barrier, you feel even more confidence in what He is doing. It also forces you away from your "checklist" for "the one" and opens the door for God to give you something you wouldn't have known to pick for yourself. In my experience, that something is better than you would have expected.
1. farmer Tom said the following at 11:50 AM on Jun 5:
I'm very curious about this age difference thing, Suzanne. From your picture you appear to be about 18 maybe 21 max, what is this guy, 13 or something?
2. Mike Theemling said the following at 12:06 PM on Jun 5:
I believe that I heard Nelson's series on Song of Solomon on CD some time ago. It was pretty good and gave some insights that I've never considered before.
Congratulations on your "newly not-single" status Suzanne.
3. Carrie (the original) said the following at 12:11 PM on Jun 5:
LOL @ farmer Tom . . . this is a good guessing game! :)
Since Suzanne seems to be a somewhat-accomplished journalist, I'm going to say she is about 27. My guess is that Kevin is 23.
With the guy being younger, I can totally understand why that could be a potential deal-breaker.
4. Kellie said the following at 12:25 PM on Jun 5:
So you haven't followed the Boundless "rule" of meeting and getting married within a year. :-)
I think what you wrote is very true and important. It seems that the singles I know who have been single are holding out for an ideal mate who doesn't exist. I'm not exactly saying one has to settle, but there is no perfect person.
5. Jo said the following at 12:29 PM on Jun 5:
Hahaha! I think Suzanne is older than she looks. :) Which I'm guessing works out okay because she and Kevin probably don't look massively different in age, right? (I look young too, I could probably date a teenager and get away with it from the looks perspective - not that I'm planning to...)
Anyway, I met a couple on holiday last year where the wife was about 5 years older than the husband (34 and 29 I think). Never would have guessed it in a million years, either from their looks or their personalities / behaviour. They were a great match and a lovely couple.
That said I totally understand the hesitation, I think I'd be the same. But kudos on not letting it stay a dealbreaker when everything else fits. :)
6. Jo said the following at 12:32 PM on Jun 5:
Oh also Suzanne - did you put March and June round the wrong way? Otherwise you must've started dating two months before you met, which would be quite miraculous...
7. brx said the following at 12:40 PM on Jun 5:
That's interesting. Age difference kept popping up in the back of my mind as an issue regarding a couple of wonderful, but older Christian sisters, which led me to back off. Now I'm intentionally dating a gal who looks 25 and with my early grey, I look 45. She says she doesn't have a concern with it, but I'm still concerned that some people will think me some kind of lech and/or that she has father-issues; though, our real difference is 7yrs.
Suzanne, please don't state your age difference with Kevin on the Boundless line; I fear for the number of firm opinions you'd get!
Grace, peace & adventure!
8. Louise from Chicago said the following at 1:02 PM on Jun 5:
Comment 1, I always had the impression from Ms. Hadley's posts that she is in her late twenties/early thirties.
She must just look young to you in her picture.
9. Suzanne Hadley said the following at 1:06 PM on Jun 5:
Farmer Tom, you are my new favorite person. Thank you! Yes, he has a rather lot of facial hair for his age.
10. Craig M. said the following at 1:06 PM on Jun 5:
You're still single. You have a boyfriend, but you're single. Not trying to be rude, just saying.
11. Julie said the following at 1:26 PM on Jun 5:
Very awesome, Suzanne! You're so right about being able to be open to what you might not expect. And I've always LOVED that look to the right, look to the left, and see who's running with you analogy, and didn't know where it came from - Thanks :)
I had a similar story over the last year - we knew each other in the context of a big small group, then moved up into co-leadership, then started a smaller, deeper small group together, then found ourselves in the same ministry elsewhere, etc. All at a platonic level... but we kept glancing over (metaphorically) and seeing each other, and kept discovering more and more vision and passion in common. I'd dismissed him as a romantic potential for a long time because I made some hasty wrong assumptions, but over time we not only found ourselves working together but got to see each other's character (and his leadership) tested in many situations.
"the connection and cooperation we experienced as we began to do ministry together was too great to ignore." -- Just so.
So for a season we awesomely dated and looked toward engagement :) Sad ending (sorry) - he unexpectedly and for a rather stupid reason didn't get into pharmacy school, and once his intended means for provision got all disrupted, he tearfully ended our relationship and disappeared into his textbooks and work so as to get into pharm school this year. I love Boundless's emphasis on marrying wisely but earlier and not getting trapped in the "perfect financial picture" snare, but while he agrees, he can't get from here to there without being on the beginning of the path (accepted to grad school) to financial security. Bummer for me :)
I've let it go as he's unavailable until further notice and have begun going on dates, but in the back of my mind is a niggling thought wondering what's going to happen in early '10 when he gets his acceptance letter....
12. Suzanne Hadley said the following at 1:27 PM on Jun 5:
Jo,
Nope. Met June 2008; began dating March 2009.
13. Sara said the following at 1:43 PM on Jun 5:
Tommy Nelson's series of messages on Song of Solomon are excellent and I would recommend them to anyone. They are VERY insightful.
Thanks for the post Suzanne!
14. BDB said the following at 1:53 PM on Jun 5:
brx (#7) wrote:
>>Suzanne, please don't state your age difference with Kevin on the Boundless line; I fear for the number of firm opinions you'd get!<<
Opinion example: if Suzanne is involved with someone significantly younger, a guy here can get involved with a woman significantly younger, and the universal equation remains in balance!
15. Julie said the following at 2:06 PM on Jun 5:
brx - wow, joke's on me - all this time I thought you were married! So I'd been keeping to myself my many and repeated admiring reactions to the worldview and intentions and perspectives that come through on your posts :) Grace, peace, and adventure back to you, bro - you totally rock.
16. Andrea said the following at 2:06 PM on Jun 5:
I am looking forward to future installments, Suzanne!
I had to chime in on this insight, because it is one that resonates with me. I'll be 29 this month, and am in a relationship with a wonderful Christian man who, at 27, just happens to be a year and a half younger than me. Now, that's not a "significant" gap by any means, but until last year, when I met him, it was a gap that I had been unwilling to even consider allowing. My "ideal" was someone at least a couple of years older than me.
It's a real prejudice on our part as women, that we need to overcome. I'm glad God opened my eyes so I could see what a great opportunity I had in front of me.
I must admit, though, that I still got a kick out of teasing my guy that if we had dated when we were younger he could have brought a college girl to prom (I was a sophomore in college when he was still a senior in high school). He laughed, and insisted that if he had known me then, he definitely would have. It's a fun ongoing joke between us, considering neither actually went to a prom when we were of age.
17. jessica said the following at 2:12 PM on Jun 5:
I can TOTALLY relate Suzanne. My thing was the guy HAD to be taller than me (I'm 5'10") AND Japanese American. Or at least Asian American. And a missionary. (I've been in Japan on missions for the past two years and am returning to Japan for full-time missions with Campus Crusade). I'm still not entirely sure what God's plan is for me since I AM going to Japan, but in March (same time as you!) I got into my first relationship with a friend I've known for a few years now. I wrote him off initially because he's not taller than me, but he loves the Lord with all his heart, is missions-minded and we (annoyingly at first) kept doing the same things unintentionally and kept "running into each other". Thanks for your post!
18. Jo said the following at 2:28 PM on Jun 5:
Suzanne,
"Nope. Met June 2008; began dating March 2009."
Ah, that makes a LOT more sense than my way! :) That is quite a long journey then. Although not the longest. My bro and his girlfriend had been friends for a decade before they got together...
19. Christopher from Albuquerque said the following at 2:41 PM on Jun 5:
I don't understand the whole issue of age differences being a deal breaker. I'm almost 36, and I would certainly consider a woman who was either in her twenties, thirties, or forties-- *as long as* she had some serious Godly maturity. A love for holiness is very attractive to me. :-)
20. Christopher from Albuquerque said the following at 2:46 PM on Jun 5:
Hearing about women who want their potential spouses to be taller than them is tough for me.... I have a physical disability and use a wheelchair. I'm always looking up to almost everyone! :-) (wincing smile)
21. Suzanne Hadley said the following at 2:51 PM on Jun 5:
Andrea,
Our age difference is also a source of good humor between us. One day he said something was "fresh," and I said, "Like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?" Then I quickly said, "Oops. Did you watch that show?!"
His response, "Why do you have to be like that? Of course I watched that show!"
Me: "Probably as reruns on Nick at Nite."
Him: "Maybe."
22. Suzanne Hadley said the following at 2:55 PM on Jun 5:
BTW, this conversation is reminding me of a post by Steve Watters did last month regarding age difference: http://www.boundlessline.org/2009/05/divorcedanger-from-age-gap.html
23. Adam said the following at 4:13 PM on Jun 5:
Suzanne,
The "Fresh Prince" joke reminds me of something that happened to me at work recently. I'm also a Starbucks Barista and a teenager I work with was speaking to a drive-thru customer when his voice cracked. I mentioned I could do a pretty awesome Steve Urkel impression before my voice got deep. He responded with, "Who's Steve Urkel?"
Being that my income is still currently on that barista level, and I'm still in college, I can relate to the financially challenged not wanting to start a relationship. I have a group interview for a 2nd job with the Apple Store on Sunday night, so I'd appreciate everyone's prayers.
24. Jessica said the following at 4:35 PM on Jun 5:
Christopher from Albuquerque, I was convicted and wrong for being attracted to guys based on physicality. That was the first thing my boyfriend and I talked about when we had our DTR in March because he knew I wanted to be with someone taller and he's NOT taller than me. In that instance when he asked me if I was OK with his height I told him I was convicted by the verse, "Man looks at outward appearance, but God looks at the heart" and over the past few months I've really grown to love his heart more than anything. We're still not sure of where our relationship is headed - not because of the height issue but because I'm going to Japan for missions "long-term". And I don't know how long that is. But if we don't work out, it will DEFINITELY not be because of height!!
25. BDB said the following at 5:07 PM on Jun 5:
Jessica (#17) wrote:
>>My thing was the guy HAD to be taller than me (I'm 5'10") AND Japanese American. Or at least Asian American.<<
Height is the clearest example of how women choose men by looks as much as men choose women. They just look at other things. I'm glad you were able to adjust your expectations.
When traveling to Asia for the first time I discovered that being 5'8" was the perfect size for fitting on a 747 flight over the Pacific. And yet, I was still tall enough to see over the crowds of Asian men.
So yes, a 5'10" Asian is indeed setting a high bar. It means he had to grow up in a family wealthy enough for good nutrition. It likely also means he could never have been seriously ill as a child. I was sick a lot until I was about 5 and had my tonsils removed - been quite healthy ever since. Being ill cost me two inches compared to my dad. And yet, I'm still noticeably taller than my grandfather, who grew up during the depression, when nutrition was limited.
Incidently, 5'8" is the perfect height to be a fighter pilot. The cockpits of tactical aircraft are cramped for tall folks.
But you should never ask a man if he's a fighter pilot.
If he's not, you'll make him feel bad.
If he is, he'll already have told you...
26. Derek Wong said the following at 5:14 PM on Jun 5:
I wrote a post about age here that I thought might be interesting to some:
http://www.goingthewongway.com/244/age-its-just-a-number/
And I must say that I agree with Craig about you actually still being dating but single (as far as I can tell). Still the whole thing is interesting because I, too, am currently not single for the first time (for a year now). It's different, and I'm trying to enjoy the different times that God has given to me.
27. Mo said the following at 5:18 PM on Jun 5:
@ Craig M.
"You're still single. You have a boyfriend, but you're single."
Dating couples may be technically single, but they're really not, in practicality. Single means being alone. (And specifically, being alone in a world of couples.)
28. Craig M. said the following at 5:19 PM on Jun 5:
Jessica--I don't think there's a thing wrong with determining to date the sort of man to whom you're attracted. If you're not attracted to men shorter than you, don't date them. And don't feel bad about it. There's no equivalence between Christ's analysis of one's soul and the vagaries of sexual attraction. Of course, I'm 6'2" so that's easy for me to say.
29. brx said the following at 7:42 PM on Jun 5:
Re: BDB [#14];
Ha-ha! My dad used to say the girl should be half the guy's age plus 7. Of course, that was just a silly equation he made up because it matched the ages of he and my mother at the time! Though, it does illustrate a wise trend: the older the couple, the wider the acceptable age gap.
I'll just say that if there's a significant age gap of any sort, get lots of objective, wise counsel -which we should all be doing already anyway, married couples included, right? :)
Grace, peace & adventure
30. brx said the following at 8:17 PM on Jun 5:
Re: Jullie [#15];
Wow, thaks for the compliment! And for the record, married people appreciate sincere compliments just as much as single people! Letting people know they're appreciated with specific compliments is part of the
"Love Everybody" principle.
The people who receive every compliment as a come-on, those are the ones with a problem, not you. Try not to worry about them.
As far as wisdom I seem to have, really, I think it's that God has finally got me humble enough to see the planks in my own eyes - and humble enough to ask other believers to help me remove them. :)
Re: Jessica [#24];
Though we Christian guys ultimately do understand the relationship is all about God... we'd probably rather not hear that you were convicted by a Bible verse to accept some physical limitation we have. In general, we're quite happy hearing something like "oh, what? - that's not an issue - God seems to have totally changed my heart about that - there's sooo many other things I like about you that I don't even consider that thing I once thought I was concerned about!!"
Grace, peace & adventures in complimenting!
31. brx said the following at 8:22 PM on Jun 5:
Re: Julie [15];
I recently came across this quote in a biography of a fascinating leader for Christ:
"By the end of the summer I had learned a lesson I would never forget: "What people will think" is largely a boogeyman of our own self-centeredness." - Demos Shakarian, The Happiest People on Earth
I copied it down because I can relate a lot.
Grace, peace & adventure!
32. K.L. said the following at 9:52 PM on Jun 5:
I've never really had a lot of expectations as far as what I want in a boyfriend. Pretty much just as long as our personalities work together, and he's a strong Christian, I'm happy. Then again, I probably have some sub-conscious expectations that I've never really thought about. Not sure. I just don't worry much about those things.
33. Ali said the following at 10:00 PM on Jun 5:
Reading Suzanne's post and everyone's comments has warmed my heart! Thanks so much - it's made my day :)
Suzanne - I am so excited for you! I've enjoyed reading your posts for a long time now and have admired your spiritual maturity. I knew it was only a matter of time until God brought you together with a godly man!
34. Lynn said the following at 11:25 PM on Jun 5:
This is an encouraging story, and congratulations on your new relationship Suzanne. However, I agree with Craig #10's comment. You are not married so you are still single.
35. Christopher from Albuquerque said the following at 1:42 AM on Jun 6:
Jessica (#17),
I'm glad that you're not allowing a certain physical preference to completely rule out a Godly single man who does not necessarily fit that preference. A good choice, I think (and I *hope* that I'm thinking according to Biblical principles here)!
Craig M (#28),
I can agree with you, to a point, but I think it is worth examining, from time to time, what we find to be attractive in the opposite sex and measuring it by the characteristics that the Bible tells us are most important in a spouse.
For the sake of conversation, if I limit myself to only dating very conventionally physically "attractive" or "hot" Christian women (attractive by Western society's standards, that is-- and not that I really think in those terms so much, but just for the sake of the conversation), I am almost definitely missing out on some wonderfully Godly women from whom I could grow and learn and who could grow and learn from me.
It is not wrong to have physical preferences for one's potential spouse, but to the extent that one allows those preferences to utterly rule out certain Christians of the opposite sex, that *might* be wrong, in terms of Biblical principles.
One last thought-- to me, holiness in a Christian woman's character *is* "hot!" :-)
36. Vanessa said the following at 2:06 AM on Jun 6:
For me, the age gap between myself and the guy I am interested in is essentially the gap between my little brother and myself. I found out his age long before he found out mine. When I casually mentioned my younger brother and he asked his age, I balked because I knew they were only 3 months apart. He assumed my brother and I were closer in age than we actually are, and I didn't get a chance to correct him.
I knew he was open to dating someone slightly older than himself, but not as significant as the age difference between us. I finally fessed up to my age on my 30th birthday, and it was quite the shock to him, as I do not look my age at ALL, and I believe he thought me to be at least 2 years younger. Lucky for me, he has adjusted to it and it does not seem to bother him.
I was able to overcome my preconceived notions of the age gap because his maturity level, walk with God, education, career path and progress, and also his upbringing (nearly identical to mine, except a larger family) and morals/values so closely resemble my "ideal." It was worth overlooking the age gap. Had I known about the significant (to me) age difference when we first met, I probably wouldn't have given him as much of a chance. I would have missed out on a wonderful opportunity simply because of my preconceived ideas.
37. jessica said the following at 2:35 AM on Jun 6:
@BDB (#25) way to embrace exactly the way God made you and even seeing the good in being your height.
@ Craig M. for sure attraction is important! But sometimes girls become attracted to guys who don't fit their "list" (the point of Suzanne's article). I was just surprised that I WAS attracted to my boyfriend since he's not taller than me and I've known him for a few years and wasn't attracted before. Also, there was a guy who fit my "list" and I WASN'T attracted to him even though he liked me for a couple years and I even asked God to change my heart towards him (it would've made going to Japan/the missions thing a lot easier since he's going long-term too). Attraction is so strange. That was something I've really struggled with also. How important IS "attraction"?
38. Vanessa said the following at 7:47 AM on Jun 6:
lol- way to throw in your height, Craig. Are you Asian? Why don't you send Jessica an email. ;)
Good thoughts, Suzanne. I know of several couples where the woman is significantly (3-5 yrs, 7 in one case) older than the guy and it has worked out really well! For me, my personality tends to be a dominant type anyway, so I it's a little harder for me to think of a younger guy as "eligible". Don't think me silly- I really think it does have something to do with personality.
Anyway...so happy for you, Suzanne. I appreciate your insights now as a happily dating woman.
39. Kellie said the following at 9:45 AM on Jun 6:
Re #17 and #25: I guess an advantage us short girls have is we don't have to be picky about that. (at 5'8" my husband is a good 6 inches taller than I am). Although my aunt, who is 4'11" always wanted a tall guy....and her husband is 6'5".
40. Mike Theemling said the following at 9:48 AM on Jun 6:
Jessica (#17),
Congratulations on your going to Japan to work for CCC.
Nihon ni doko e ikimasu ka?
(Sorry, I haven't practiced it in a while so I'm probably botching the question).
By the way, there are a lot more taller Japanese now since they've been introduced to Western food. Unfortunately, there are also a lot more overweight Japanese than in the past as well. Hooray for Makudonaru!
41. Keith said the following at 10:02 AM on Jun 6:
In regards to the age issue, I think most women are open to dating someone couples years younger than them, but would never think of dating someone shorter than them....
I also found the whole "single" vs. "married" dichotomy interesting. I attended a new church recently and they gave me a visitor’s card to fill out and it only had the options "single" or "married" to fill out - Which I found interesting.
42. brx said the following at 10:24 AM on Jun 6:
Re: BDB [#25];
"Incidently, 5'8" is the perfect height to be a fighter pilot. The cockpits of tactical aircraft are cramped for tall folks.
But you should never ask a man if he's a fighter pilot.
If he is, he'll already have told you...
If he's not, you'll make him feel bad."
I like your witty humor bro! Keep it up!
Oh, and you're right too; I would have already told her. ...but if she's as smart as a Prov 31 gal, she probably would have deduced it already. :)
43. Stephanie said the following at 12:27 PM on Jun 6:
My husband and I are 7 years apart... and he's the younger one. I think it really depends on the circumstances..in our case, he looks older than he is (and is more mature than the guys that are my age..) and I look younger than I am. Most people peg our ages as being about the same, somewhere in between our two real ages.
That was a huge thing for me to get over, because I had always had only a "two year window" around me. But as I got to know Jerry, I saw just how well suited we were. I needed a little longer to be ready, that's all. :) So I can see God's wisdom in all that happened to bring us together.
God bless, Suzanne!
44. brx said the following at 4:00 PM on Jun 6:
Re: Mo [#27];
Regarding whether 'single' means being alone...
I'd like to be careful in how I view single or not status. When we start to view unmarried and not dating people as "alone" that can point us down the path of idealization and/or discontentment.
Periodically being alone is good, for single people AND married people. Being lonely is not so good. At times I'm told, married people can be even more lonely than single people.
Author Lauren Winner (a Boundless contributor) has touched on that lonely topic too.
Love everybody - and try to love them first!
45. brx said the following at 6:01 PM on Jun 6:
Re: "Not-Single"
I wonder if Suzanne picked that term to intentionally be vague or because they still haven't decided how to refer to their relationship publicly.
My friend and I have had conversations about what to call our relationship when people ask. Intentionally-dating, dating-with-a- purpose, intentionally-getting-to-know-each-other, purposely-spending-time-together... I don't really want to use the term "dating" because of the not-so-pure understanding of that term in the culture that surrounds us. I'd rather use a term that invites less conservative folks to ask about what I mean. "Courting" I think implies a more intimate commitment than we're at right now.
"My girlfriend" - I haven't introduced her that way because that's not her significant identity. I want her to be known among my friends and people we meet according to her name and awesome qualities rather than as "Brx girlfriend - what was her name?" I certainly don't mind letting it be known that we're intentionally getting to know each other and I'm kind of proud to be seen with her (she makes me look good), but I don't think that should be a significant part of her identity - or mine.
If one is engaged... well, that's definitely further along the line with commitment towards 'one-flesh'...
Grace, peace & adventure in having the weird discussions
46. Megs said the following at 10:04 PM on Jun 6:
WOW! this is just what I needed tonight! I am struggling with deciding whether or not to date this WAY amazing guy.. but he is 6 years older than me and in the military.. so I dont know if those are factors or not. but this was a HUGE encouragement. Thank you.
47. Reid said the following at 7:44 AM on Jun 7:
"Be Open to the Unexpected" reminds me of the part in Hitch where he justifies his paid dating advice by saying it helps women to "get out of their own way" and consider good, well-meaning suitors who have some rough (as in "not smooth") edges.
...or maybe I'm remembering the gist of it wrong and giving it too much credit...
48. BDB said the following at 12:42 AM on Jun 8:
So, did Suzanne take him to see Hannah Montana yet?
49. Leah said the following at 5:43 AM on Jun 8:
farmer Tom - as beautiful and young as Suzanne looks, she doesn't look 18 ;) However in today's Hollywood industry, I wouldn't put it past them to cast someone in their mid-20s (which I imagine Suzanne to be) as an 18 year old! They like to make highschool seniors look like fully mature young adults... when they're not.
Craig M - why? What's your definition of single that somehow means a person with a boyfriend/girlfriend is single? Yes, when it comes to their marital status they are single, but when it comes to their relationship status they aren't. It wouldn't be right of them to go for a one-on-one dinner or coffee with a different person of the opposite sex. The way they relate to people of the opposite sex changes when they have a boyfriend/girlfriend. It's not married but it is not single either.
Re: age difference... I know a couple (now in their mid-40s) where the husband is, perhaps, 3 or 4 years younger than the wife? They were interested in each other before he reached 20, but she refused to date a teenager! So once he turned 20 she allowed herself to go out with him ;)
50. diana said the following at 8:38 AM on Jun 8:
I think the whole idea is to be willing to consider someone that is different than our preconceived ideas of our future mate. I had such deep-set, strongly held "ideals" (i.e. foolish notions) that I let several really wonderful guys pass me by in my most marriable years. I view that now as pride and misguided idealism. Those same guys have proved to be incredible, faithful, steady men. If I had to do it over, I would have looked a little deeper at the time and put less emphasis on superficials, and even on the level of romantic expression that I expected some of these guys to have.
God was gracious enough to give me a wonderful mate, but I didn't "recognize" him as such for over a year. I just didn't realize that God might have picked a tall, foreign European out for me who spoke with a heavy accent and who had zero materialistic tendencies, due to being raised under Communism. I didn't realize that God was going to challenge me in my marriage, not just allow me to be coddled by someone who always knew just what to do/say to make me "feel" loved. I never imagined that I'd have to die to self by laying down my cultural expectations and humbly helping my husband to navigate the issues that come with being new in America.
P.S. And no, he didn't marry me for a green card!
51. Tami said the following at 8:50 AM on Jun 8:
brx (31) -- I like the quote you share there. It reminds me of what I read in Ed Welch's When People are Big and God is Small, which is about "fear of man". Good book!
52. Stephanie said the following at 9:13 AM on Jun 8:
Thanks, Suzanne, for this post. I frequently have struggled with, "but he is toooo young!" It is good to see that relationships with girls being older than guys can work out. I think it is a bit of a struggle for me because my mom, aunts, etc. married men older than them.
Re:#25 - I used to hate being short (5'2"), but I, too, decided after making a rather long flight that being able to stand up in the airplane (in the seats) is worth it!! :)
53. Becky said the following at 9:14 AM on Jun 8:
I'm with Diana. It took a long time for me to let go of my preconceived ideas of what my husband would be. (This includes physical as well as other things like his age, his family, his past and his personality traits.)
However, what I discovered was that once I let go of those expectations, it gave God room to go SO far beyond them. I'm SO SO glad I didn't remain in the little box I had created.
Also, my fiance happens to be 8 years older than me. I've found that after a few weeks, the age difference became totally obsolete.
I'm getting ready to marry a wonderful, Godly man who I never would have chosen for myself because of my ridiculous expectations. But then that's how I know it's from God.
54. brx said the following at 11:20 AM on Jun 8:
Re: Leah [#49];
"It wouldn't be right of them to go for a one-on-one dinner or coffee with a different person of the opposite sex."
I think it's important to realize that is a personal expectation and should be discussed rather than assumed. Though I was initially challenged at the time when a couple gals I had been seeing (not at the same time) mentioned that another guy had been asking them out and we had not yet had a discussion about exclusivity. I calmly encouragd them to go out with the guy if they wanted to (being careful not to have a snarky or sarcastic tone) because I didn't want them continually wondering - and I also admired their integrity for telling me with great sensitivity towards my feelings. One ended up getting together with a great guy that I later admired as a brother, and the other girl quickly came back to me after one date with another guy - totally boosting my confidence as a result! :)
"The way they relate to people of the opposite sex changes when they have a boyfriend/girlfriend."
That's just it; the way they relate to others should NOT change significantly - if they have already been treating others truly as brothers and sisters in the Lord.
So, maybe we should realize we're not married, the person we're dating/courting does not belong to us, and that we should not expect a level of commitment that is reserved for marriage. Have the discussions and set boundaries for the sake of integrity and trust rather than because of personal insecurity. Remember, we're looking for a good partnership that we can commit to with marriage, not just in our own interests, but also in their interests. (Phil 2:4)
Grace & peace that comes with trust
55. farmer Tom said the following at 11:59 AM on Jun 8:
First, I'm older than dirt, more than half the female population looks young to me, and I figure any woman with hair as long as Suzanne's has to be under 25 since it seems that the culture encourages any female that is past about 25 to whack their hair off so that they look "more professional" or "business like". It's an atrocity, but a reality.
Second, while I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, I ain't stupid, always guess a womans age young, it will flatter them and keep you out of trouble.
Third, I'm fascinated by how many of you posting on this thread have actively limited the number of potential mates on the sole basis of age. You do understand percentages do you not? Five years difference in age out of an average life span is not a very large percentage.
Using age as an important factor, taken to the extreme, would mean that the ideal potential marriage partner would have the exact same birthday as you do, born on exactly the same minute as you were, that way you are both exactly the same age.
No wonder so many of you complain about no one to date, your list of criteria is impossible to acheive.
56. Suzanne Hadley said the following at 1:33 PM on Jun 8:
My use of the term not-single is meant to be casual not dictionary accurate. I am indeed single as in unmarried. Sorry if I confused anyone.
My point is when you have been a not-dating single for many years, being in a relationship ends that form of singleness. Thanks for understanding it's a matter of semantics. I plan to continue using the term in future posts.
57. Lydia said the following at 6:21 PM on Jun 8:
Gee...this relationship stuff is complicated. Why not just stay single for goodness sake. Those of you who don't have a mate, just don't worry about it and live life. There is more out there to chase.
By the way: I'm an 18 year-old. Probably the dumbest and most inexperienced person on the face of this planet, but I think young adults worry too much about relationships.
58. Loris said the following at 5:46 AM on Jun 9:
I am two years older, four inches shorter than my husband. Age didn't matter so much; height did. My mom married a man shorter than she is (she's 6'0), but I couldn't do it. Since I'm 5'10-ish, my cutoff height was 6'0 for a man. My husband was 6'0 and some change when we married. We married so young that over our first year of marriage he grew an inch and a half to a hair under 6'2. Perfect!
59. Jenny said the following at 9:54 PM on Jun 9:
I used to think I could never marry a man who was younger than me. Then I met several mature, godly couples with strong, time-tested marriages where the husband was several years younger than the wife. So I had to rethink my views on that.
I also was interested in a guy at one point, but I really couldn't get past certain little quirks of his, like the appearance of his hair and the way he walked. Then a close friend admitted that at first she wasn't interested in her then fiance because of silly little things like that, too, but when she got to know his heart and saw how well they worked together, she realized those things really didn't matter. That was an eye-opening lesson for me. There are certain things that are important in a relationship, and other things that may seem like a big deal, but diminish when you look at them through God's eyes. I never ended up getting together with that guy, but I will still have that lesson for future relationships. What really matters is the man's heart and what the Lord is saying to you about him.
60. Natalia said the following at 3:21 PM on Jun 12:
Thanks, Suzanne, for this post, this is a much needed subject to discuss - he is significantly younger... I am not trying to ask your age, but could you please say what your age difference is??? That may also help some of us! I am incredibly attracted (if not to say hopelessly in love with) to a wonderfull Godly man 9 years younger. Feeling very sad and trying to limit our interaction.. Needless to say, 5 years doesn't seem like a difference for me at all...
61. Sharon said the following at 7:33 PM on Jun 20:
I went to Denton Bible Church during the two years that I lived in Denton for school and Tommy Nelson's Song of Solomon sermons are my absolute favorite.