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I was 18, sharing an apartment with a buddy in Houston. I was hungry. And I didn't know how to cook.
I searched the pantry. OK, it wasn't a "pantry," just a cupboard with random stuff in it. I pulled out a loaf of white bread and a jar of Prego.
Sauce went on slice of bread went in microwave went in mouth.
Yeah, I did not know how to cook.
I've since learned how stinkin' easy it is to make simple, relatively healthy meals. How hard is it to boil some whole wheat spaghetti, drain it after 15 minutes, and stir in a jar of mid-priced sauce? Not hard at all. Add some freshly sautéed mushrooms, and broil a few spears of asparagus, and you've got a respectable meal. That's Cooking 101 stuff. Stuff I wish I'd known when I was 18 and on my own.
I've learned that, in the words of Ratatouille's Chef Gusteau, "Anyone can cook."
I'd like to start a series here on the Boundless blog offering simple recipes, simple techniques, a simple approach to the therapeutic, hospitality-facilitating craft of cooking. I'll wrap up this first one with some photos I took yesterday of my little back yard garden that'll give you a sense of where I'm at now in my culinary journey: a pair of apple trees, rows of tomato plants, a pepper plant, squash, basil, dill, cilantro, thyme, rosemary, mint....
And to think that not so long ago I was content with microwaved spaghetti sauce sandwiches.
Hi Boundless!
I'm writing from Papua New Guinea, where I live and work as a missionary doing research on languages that aren't written down yet and don't have the Bible. (Did you know there are over 196,000,000 people from more than 2000 languages without a single verse of God's word in their languages?!)
Even though I spend most of my time working in an office in the Highlands of PNG, I get to travel to different parts of the country to do research. (In the picture, I'm interviewing a local church leader during a recent survey trip, while some kids and young guys look on.) The survey team and I are headed off to the rugged Western part of the country next month and hopefully out to the tropical island of New Britain in the fall.
Using the internet here is really expensive, so while I can still read a no-pictures version of the Boundless Line, I patiently wait for my sister in the US to burn the podcasts onto a DVD and mail them to me. Mail can take a few weeks to get here - I just listened to the Christmas episode in June! But the Boundless podcast is good enough to wait for, and like the saying goes it's "better late than never!" :-)
Thanks for the godly advice and thought-provoking articles!
Sara
The disturbing part of the article Steve blogged about is the reason most of the women "doing konkatsu" it gave: they want to quit their jobs. Yuriko Akamatsu, a 35-year-old office worker, has attended two matchmaking parties in the past six months. "I want to get married because I sometimes feel like quitting my job," said Ms. Akamatsu, who didn't find Mr. Right at either party. "Marriage is like permanent employment."
That approach is all wrong. Some government officials like the idea because they're worried about falling birthrates. Again, in itself, it's not a great reason for encouraging marriage. What about the churches? Some are making money on the trend by charging for prayer services. Yes, charging! The irony (which will surprise few of you savvy Boundless readers) is the overabundance of women in such deliberate settings, and the dearth of marriage-minded men. (But really, given the conditions, can you blame them?) Apart from Ephesians 5, and a bold commitment to live it out, our human efforts at getting, and staying, married are doomed to end in divorce, or at best, survive in misery. To the single men and women of Japan, I say, "Start reading Boundless--you'll get a lot more help getting married than you will hanging out at the Green Bar!"
I was intrigued by an article featured on the front page of the Wall Street Journal this morning. Here's how it started:
Desperate to turn around his money-losing singles bar last summer, Yuta Honda decided that marriage would be his only salvation.
Abandoning a marketing plan based on the ephemeral attractions of one-night commitments, Mr. Honda rechristened his place a "konkatsu bar," a place for "marriage hunting."
These days, his Green Bar is packed with marriage-seeking singles in their twenties and thirties -- a rare success story in the Roppongi entertainment district, where businesses are closing right and left in the economic downturn.
Singles bars have always been notorious for opening their doors to people looking for all types of relationship connections, but Mr. Honda found success in narrowing his target audience to those who were specifically seeking marriage.
My sense is that Mr. Honda provided a valuable service to his patrons by allowing them to self select among those who wanted to skip relationship games and cut to the chase of their primary desire--marriage.
What's your impression on this approach? Does it seem too blunt to immediately hold up the possibility of marriage in a gathering of singles or does this filtering approach actually sound appealing to you?
Hello! I read Boundless articles when I’m sitting in my cubicle at work. You’ll probably be able to guess where that is if you look closely at the concentric circles in the photo!
At least once a week, I eat lunch at my computer and read Boundless articles. I jot down discussion topic ideas for the singles small group I lead and e-mail articles that remind me of situations my friends are in.
I spend a lot of time in this little box. It’s nice to take some time during the work day to be refreshed in the Lord, united with other Christian singles like me from all over the world.
Thank you for being a light!
Sarah
 Steve and I celebrated our birthdays this weekend -- we were born one day apart -- and though we're a year older and just one away from the BIG one, we noticed again that we still feel young. He still feels 19 (his grandfather felt 17 in his 70s). Me, 28. Whatever "young" age we feel year after year, despite the passage of time, we're not alone. According to USA Today, "Few see themselves as 'old,' no matter what their age."
Columnist Sharon Jayson writes,
No matter what their chronological age, most people say that they aren't yet "old" — and that they feel younger than their birthday count, according to a new nationally representative survey of almost 3,000 adults by the Pew Research Center.
According to the study, the reason for this young at heart, and in mind, feeling is the volume of people growing old (or older).
"We are becoming an older society, as are most advanced societies around the world, and we are about to hit a big new wave of adults entering older age," says Paul Taylor, who directs Pew's Social and Demographic Trends project.
The study notes that about 39 million Americans, or 13% of the U.S. population, are 65 and older — a figure that has tripled from 4% in 1900. In two years, the oldest of the nation's 76 million Baby Boomers will turn 65. And by 2050, according to Pew Research projections, about one in five Americans will be over 65, and about 5% will be ages 85 and older, up from 2% now.
And what is it that ties the newly graying population together?
Frederick Augustyn Jr. of Greenbelt, Md., who heads the Aging and Senior Culture area of the Popular Culture Association, says Baby Boomers fuel such resistance because they grew up as a youth culture and don't want to give in to old age.
The good news for Boomers is that old age isn't as bad as it's made out to be:
Among those age 65 and older, the perceived downsides of aging (such as memory loss, illness, inability to drive or an end to sexual activity) aren't experienced as much as younger people think they'll be.
Still, the survey rings hollow. I think the reason we feel young, no matter how old we get, has everything to do with what happens when aging ceases,
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end" (Ecclesiastes 3:11).
My life took a turn a dozen years ago. Though I personally didn't care for their style, I bought a Delirious album, thinking it'd be good for me to become familiar with their music.
I came to love their music, and have since come to appreciate a swath of contemporary Christian music. Sure, a whole lot of it is worthless pabulum: uninspired lyrics spit out by some Random Christian Cliché Generator, skill-less musicianship, tired rhythms and chord progressions, sterilizing production. But some Christians creating music for today's generation speak with a relevance and passion and quality that inspires me in my devotion to the Lord and my devotion to excellence.
So today I'm listening to RED, a band whose lyrics wrestle with our disposition to sin, that explore our struggle to honor the Lord with integrity. That they use distorted guitars and edge into metal/screamo at times does not distract from the urgency and desperation of their message. Indeed, I find that it promotes it, helping me better engage it.
I don't know that I would have denounced this kind of music a decade ago; I may have just dismissed it. But these days I adamantly appreciate the breadth of musical styles embraced by many of today's Christian musicians.
I had a conversation with someone earlier this week who was condemning the music of today's Christian artists because it's "loud" and "rhythmic" and "extreme." Such music, because it may provoke a physical response, he dismissed as "sexual." His judgment reminded me of Michal, King David's wife, who mocked her husband for the "vulgar" way he was "leaping and dancing before the LORD." God's judgment against her? Barrenness.
I'm learning not to be so quick to write something off as ungodly simply because it's not my preference. After all, the Lord's ways are not like my ways. And where Scripture doesn't express a clear judgment, perhaps I should be slow to express mine. At least in the realm of music.
Well, that's a little peek into where some of my thoughts are today: affected by a discussion I had a few days ago and by my current iPod playlist. May what you find here -- our articles, blog posts, and podcasts -- effect some engaging discussions for you! :-)
Michael Jackson is dead. I heard it first through a CNN email news alert yesterday only minutes after it was confirmed. I read some of the follow-up stories and tributes, reminisced with coworkers, then drove home to a marathon set of his music being played on local radio.
I didn't cry. Despite being an icon of my generation, MJ sufficiently distanced himself from the public, the press, and, well, reality -- so as to not endear himself personally to many in recent years. It was easy to forget he was still around sometimes.
But I remember him. And I certainly remember his influence on me and my peers. I recall one day in junior high, the day after Thriller was released. One of my classmates walked into choir class at Graham Middle School with a shiny new copy of the album (the LP, of course). She had stood in line hours the night before to purchase it, and now placed the record on a table, still gleaming in its plastic wrapper, as we gathered around to gaze upon it in wonder. I still remember the hush over our circle as we admired Michael's crisp white suit and back-lit frame. He amazed us. And when Thriller went multiplatinum and MTV, Pepsi, Disney and others took MJ's image and shaped it into something otherworldly, we thought he was unstoppable.
But time and life proved otherwise. Fast-forward about 20 years. I was sitting at Focus on the Family, listening to Christian apologist Lee Strobel speak in an employee chapel. Lee looked out over the crowd and issued what I think he called the 1:1:1 Challenge. He asked us all to think of one unsaved person to pray for at 1pm each day, for one minute. I love challenges, and being an overachiever who happens to have many non-Christian friends, I decided to do a 5:5:5. I thought of several friends and family immediately. But I wondered about a fifth. I asked God to help me think of the person whom I believed to be most out of his reach -- someone who, if I was being honest, I didn't think would ever come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. And just like that, into my mind popped Michael Jackson.
And so every day for weeks, then months, then years, I prayed for the salvation of Michael Jackson. I followed him casually in the news, and it never looked good. He got weirder, wilder and more erratic in his behavior. But I continued to pray. Because that's what God called me to do.
As of today, I have no idea where Michael Jackson stood spiritually at the time of his death. But God knows. And God will decide what He does with Michael's soul. It may sound cliche, but it's devastatingly true: The King of Pop will be called to give an account to the King of Kings.
Friends called me yesterday, and, knowing my prayer connection to MJ, asked me if I'm OK. I am. For my part, I extend my sympathies to Jackson's family, friends and fans. And I'm going to keep praying. Because the power that was Michael Jackson was real, especially to a pop-loving girl in the 80s.
But the power that is Jesus Christ is greater -- great enough to snatch souls from the fires of hell. And it is this power that gives me life. And it gives me hope for that next person I'll be called to pray for. I can't wait to find out who it'll be.
When couples get married, does it matter what vows they repeat? In a column for the Wall Street Journal last week, David Lapp, of the Institue for American Values, talked about the plans he and his fiancée had for customizing their wedding vows.
I told him [their pastor] that we planned to write our own vows. He dismissed my idea and directed us to the Book of Common Prayer (published in 1549) for the vows he thought we should exchange. The vows there are more formal, and hardly original: "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part." My sensibilities were offended. "Don't you know this is our wedding?"
Lapp follows this story with what I found to be an intriguing thought:
...let's imagine for a moment that, instead of reciting the oath that his 43 predecessors have taken, President Barack Obama had insisted at his inauguration on personalizing it, perhaps replacing "I will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States" with the more flexible "I will try as hard as possible to do the job of president of the United States." That sounds a little more natural and honest, he might have argued: How does he know if he'll always be able to live up to his word? Besides, he might have stated, "The traditional oath is what every other president has said. I want mine to be original."
We, the people, would have been outraged -- and rightly so. The very specific words our Constitution requires the president to recite demonstrate the gravity of the obligations he assumes. They can't be reduced to the whims of one person.
He goes on to say:
Like the presidential oath, the traditional marriage vows -- whether Catholic, Jewish or Protestant -- typically ask a marrying couple to make specific pledges: as the Catholic marriage ceremony puts it, "I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health." And for how long? "I will love and honor you all the days of my life." The words of religious marriage vows are direct and uncompromisingly clear.
Lapp also includes a story I hadn't read before that has been rolling around in my head ever since:
In 1943, German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote a letter to a young bride and groom, reminding them that "it is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love."
Will your marital vows be direct and clear enough to help you sustain love?
Hello Boundless!
Right now, I'm working as an intern at a small Christian school in Chiba, Japan. Chiba is a "small" suburb of 1 million people about an hour from Tokyo. Hopefully you get a small taste of the busyness and chaos from the picture. I love living here, and am preparing to head home for the summer, and then college.
Thank you Boundless for the thought-provoking articles and links. I don't think Boundless could be stereotyped by any one topic, except that everything is written from a Biblical perspective.
Ganbatte kudasai! Keep up the good work :)
Lydia
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Note: We have about a week's worth left of submissions for our Where Are You? feature. So if you'd like it to continue be sure to send us a pic and para about where you are.
Episode 75. Doesn't that sound noteworthy? I feel like we should have a toast or something. The thought of giving a toast makes me kind of nervous though. So scratch that. Maybe Lisa will post a toast-ish type comment. I bet she gives great toasts.
Take A Hike -- 00:00
Steve, Suzanne, Motte and I talk trails this week. Motte (a non-hiker) wants to know what makes for a good hike, what gear is essential, and why anyone would want to leave the comfort of their kitchen table and Wall Street Journal.
I should have corrected Motte during this segment. He referred to Steve and me as "avid" hikers. I wouldn't call myself avid. I like hiking. I've been known to spend a few days on the trail but I'm not the person you want to get lost in the woods with that's for sure (mostly because I have a flair for the dramatic and I tend to overreact a bit).
Case in point, there was this one time on the Appalachian Trial where I developed mild hypothermia from being rained on for three days and not eating because my hands were too numb to get into my pack. If I had been the guide, I would have sat down in the trail and cried myself to a cold hungry death. Fortunately, I was not the guide and I lived to tell about it.
Sex and the Soul -- 18:38
Donna Freitas, professor of Religion at Boston University, joins Lisa to talk about "juggling sexuality, spirituality, romance and religion" on today's college campuses. Donna's book Sex and the Soul draws on her countless interviews with students about the hook-up culture of America's college campuses. She says students at secular universities want out of the hook-up scene and students at religious universities want an open dialogue about sexuality.
Long Term Incompatibility -- 41:38
It's been three years and he still doesn't know if she's the one. They're really different. She's a dreamer and he's Mr. Practical. He isn't ready to marry any time soon and she's always wanted to marry young. Does she cut her losses and look for someone more marriage-minded or does she wait on him to make up his mind? Steve, Suzanne and Motte weigh in.
And before I sign off, thanks to Silent Substitute for their musical contribution to this week's podcast. You'll be hearing a couple tunes from their EP Do Make Room.
I've covered this topic before but I thought I'd update it with some new data from a CNBC.com article: Texting while driving is worse than driving drunk. Much worse.
Car and Driver Magazine tested how long it takes to hit the brakes "when sober, when legally drunk at .08, when reading an e-mail, and when sending a text." Here are the results:
- Unimpaired: .54 seconds to brake
- Legally drunk: add 4 feet
- Reading e-mail: add 36 feet
- Sending a text: add 70 feet
That's a lot of cushion required for sending a text vs. drunk driving. But as dangerous as it is, the author of the CNBC.com article fears it'll take more deaths before public opinion changes about texting and driving.
According to this blurb in Variety, Facebook is coming to a theater near you.
Columbia Pictures is in advanced talks with David Fincher to direct "The Social Network," the Aaron Sorkin-scripted film for Columbia Pictures about the formation of Facebook.
The film will focus on the evolution of Facebook from its 2004 creation on the Harvard campus by sophomore Mark Zuckerberg to a juggernaut with more than 200 million members.
It's interesting that Hollywood chose to make a movie about the formation of Facebook instead of creating a story (or stories) about how the advent of social networking has affected our lives. You know, like what they did with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail."
What about you? Does a movie about the evolution of Facebook sound compelling enough to go see?
We talked about being a good groomsman or bridesmaid on a recent episode of the Boundless podcast. But nobody mentioned that scooping poop may become one of the regular duties in-between escorting grandma down the aisle and lighting candles.
From a USAToday.com article:
Pet-loving couples are increasingly including their dogs (and other pets, to a much lesser degree) in the wedding parties of some very formal weddings — decking them out in silk and satin and including them in the receiving line, on the program and in the portraits.
"Many people think of their pets as family members, and they wouldn't think of having a special day like this without that member," says Celina Bojorquez, co-owner of Beverly Hills Mutt Club, purveyor of upscale accessories like doggie tuxedos ($70 and up) and couture dresses ($170 to $500).
It seems the preferred method of inclusion is to have a groomsman walk the dog(s) down the isle on a fancy leash and have it sit at the alter while the vows are taken. Yo!
Any of you soon-to-bes planning to have your pooch as part of the wedding party?
I met a friend for lunch today, and as I jumped into my smoldering black car with black interior (Note to self: begin saving non-profit salary that is already compromised by excessive Starbucks runs and trash mag purchases to buy summer sports car or fun, trendy Vespa for use from June-Aug), my stereo erupted in sound. Loud sound. Ok, ridiculously loud sound. I find this disconcerting, because this means I had it that loud when I arrived at work this morning, and if I really listen to the stereo that loud, I will soon be deaf. (Wait, can I hear the keys click as I type?! Phew. So far, yes.)
Anywho, the second thing I found disconcerting was the music itself. Because here I was on a beautiful summer day, moonroof open (allowing the sun to scorch my head and almost give me convulsions), air conditioning on (after I shut the moonroof, so don't judge), checking how I looked in my new and unnecessary but outrageously awesome new sunglasses, and blazing down the road...to a classical guitar piece.
Ooof. I was in my car on June 24th with a concerto as my soundtrack. Not acceptable. Worse, I knew I couldn't jump over to the radio, because the only songs playing there now are "Boom Boom Pow" and "Poker Face." Even the country stations will have a version of "Poker Face" soon -- just you wait. So friends, I need help creating a summer playlist. I gave a shout-out over on Facebook immediately after lunch, and realized after receiving too many suggestions of the Beach Boys' "Endless Summer" that 1) I need cooler friends, 2) I need younger friends, and 3) I had a Beach Boys T-shirt in jr. high that I wish I still had.
So hit me. What are the best summer songs out there? Which songs hold memories, which evoke summer perfectly, and which just kick a mad beat? While you're thinking, I'll give you a few reasons why summer is the best season (I don't have to include this, friends, so consider yourself fortunate. Bonus material right here):
- More daylight
- Driving at night with windows open
- Sleeping at night with windows open (unless you live in a sketch area and need to be careful)
- Berry season
- Summer camp, even if you don't go to summer camp anymore
- My birthday (just sayin')
- Road trips
- Independence Day (USA)
- Independence Day (other countries that I am too lazy to look up)
- Anything to do with water and being in water
- Special limited-edition ice cream flavors through Schwan's, Ben & Jerry's and others
The list goes on. Feel free to add to it. Summer-haters, don't bring us down. Yes, we know many of you live in humid, bug-filled regions, but this is your problem. Move to Colorado!
I love you all.
About a month ago I was reading a short article on, of all things, the "Riskiest Search Terms on the the Internet." Evidently, certain Internet search terms have a very high likelihood of landing you on a web site containing malware.
For example, "screensavers" is the number one riskiest Internet search term with a 59.1% chance of landing you on a web site containing malware. Number Two? "Free Games" (24.7% chance of malware). But it was Number Three that caught my attention: "Work From Home" (15.6% chance of malware). There are so many people wanting to work from home that it's the number three target of cybercriminals.
I thought of that today when I was reading "Five Myths on Fathers and Families" by W. Bradford Wilcox. In his article, Wilcox warns about five common myths the American media often put forward around Father's Day, despite the fact that they simply are not true.
The second myth Wilcox describes is the myth that "Women Want Everything 50-50." Wilcox writes: "Most married mothers nowadays do want their husbands to do their fair share of housework and childcare. But they do not define fairness in terms of a 50-50 balancing act where fathers and mothers do the same thing at home and work. Instead, contemporary mothers take into account their husbands’ work outside the home when they assess the fairness of the division of labor inside the home.
Moreover, most women who are married with children are happy to have their husbands take the lead when it comes to providing and do not wish to work full-time. For instance, a 2007 Pew Research Center study found that only 20 percent of mothers with children under 18 wanted to work full-time, compared with 72 percent of fathers with children under 18. My own research has shown that married mothers are happiest in their marriages when their husbands take the lead when it comes to breadwinning — largely because his success as a provider gives her more opportunities to focus on the children, or balance childcare with part-time work (the most popular work arrangement for married mothers). So, on this Father’s Day, dads who are fortunate enough to hold down a good job and make a major contribution to their families’ financial welfare should take some comfort from the fact that they are likely to be boosting not only their families’ bottom line but also their wives’ happiness."
There's no way to tell for sure who is doing all those "work at home" Internet searches. But my guess is that we would find -- just as the Pew Research Center and Wilcox did -- a large number of moms who want to be spending more time with their children.
It's something to consider. Will you be in that majority of moms that do not want to be working full-time outside the home? Is there anything you can do now to give you more options then?
HT: Challies and Dr. Mohler
Hey Boundless! Typically you
will find me in Atlanta, GA, but last week I kept up with Boundless
while in Sarajevo, Bosnia on a short term mission trip. This picture
was taken at an internet cafe in Old Town in Sarajevo near the hostel
where we were staying.
Bosnia is a lovely place with great people who are eager to explore
deeper questions, far more so than many of the people here in the
States. And, as my first mission trip, Bosnia will always hold a
special place in my heart.
- Anna
In the past 10 years I have been a bridesmaid four times. I've worn the dresses and uncomfortable shoes. I've attended the rehearsal dinners, played silly games at the bridal showers and given the speeches. Most recently, I stood up as a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding -- my sister who is nine years younger.
As much as I am glad for my friends who have found their loves, I've sometimes felt like second fiddle. Other times I've felt just plain alone and miserable. But recently as I was meditating on the story in Song of Songs, I noticed this wonderful cast of characters called "the friends." In today's featured Boundless article, I write:
Throughout the book, the role of the friends becomes clear: rejoice, challenge, help and protect. The implication is that without these friends, the betrothed woman would be lost and vulnerable to impropriety or unwise decisions.
It's unfortunate that our culture often reduces bridesmaids to token friends who swoop in wedding week to wear impractical dresses and shoes. The friends in Song of Songs are not of this variety. They are deeply invested in the health and happiness of the betrothed couple.
Being the friend of the bride is an important role that can be mutually edifying (Romans 14:19). Watching my sister's romance and subsequent marriage was a profound experience for me. For the first time, I caught a vision for what God can do in a relationship He ordains. I caught a glimpse of this type of encouragement in Song of Songs:
No matter how stellar of a friend you are, finding yourself continually in the pack of "friends" and never the "beloved," can be disheartening. I imagine that is why the beloved encouraged her friends with this statement:
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. (2:7)
This message was so close to her heart that she repeated it three times. Her relationship with her beloved is so affirming, miraculous and right, that she wishes the same for her friends. I believe she is telling her friends to wait on God's timing for a beautiful, heaven-honoring romance. She is urging them to hold out for the love God has for them and not settle for chasing after it in their own way.
So all of you serving as bridesmaids or groomsmen this summer, be encouraged. Put the effort forth to support and rejoice with your friends and recognize that someday it may be you. Eight months after going dateless to my sister's wedding I became engaged. And I'm thankful I did not awaken love in my timing.
Mohnish Pabrai, a New York money manager, thinks it's very important to have heroes. "It just so happens," Pabrai said in a recent interview with Marketplace, "that my hero is alive when I'm alive. And my hero is actually willing to accept a bribe to sit down for a meal. So we paid the bribe and we got the meal."
Who did Pabrai have a meal with? Warren Buffett. How much did Pabrai pay for that meal? $650,100 (although he did only pay two-thirds of that ... another friend paid the other third).
In the interview, Pabrai talked about the lunch and what advice Buffett had to share. Pabrai determined that they had about 54 different threads to the conversation (the lunch lasted three hours), but a few stuck out -- including Buffett's advice to Pabrai's daughters: "For example, Warren told my daughters that the single most important decision they would make in their lives was who they decided to marry. And I think that's something that sticks with them. They actually think about that."
In fact, Pabrai talked about how one of his daughters, who attended the lunch with him, threw Buffett off-guard with a question about his marriage: "...she suddenly brought up, she said, "Yes, was it hard when your wife left you?" So his first wife, Susan Buffett, in the 70s left Omaha and moved to San Francisco. I think the question caught Warren off-guard, I could see his eyes well up. But I think it took him just a few moments, then he was in control. Then I think he spent the next 40 minutes on Susan."
Interestingly, to me at least, the Marketplace reporter didn't seem very concerned about Buffett's marriage talk, despite the fact that it was such an obviously important topic in the lunch and to Buffett. Instead, she followed up with questions about philanthropy and his temper.
But, I just wondered if anybody else listening to the interview caught the phrase that I did ... that Buffett thinks that who you decide to marry is the "single most important decision" a person makes in his or her life.
For me, I'd disagree with Buffett. The single most important decision that each of us makes doesn't have to do with our spouse. But I would agree that who we choose for a spouse is important. What's essential, I think, is to pray, to know exactly what are the "non-negotiables," to remember what's not essential, and to embrace the responsibility of the decision without letting it paralyze you.
(FYI: Pabrai was the winner of the 2007 charity auction to have lunch with Buffett. Last year's winner won with a bid of $2.1 million. Bidding is now underway on eBay for this year's lunch. Last bid I saw was for $82,100. Pre-qualified bidders only. Hmmm ... I'm not going to bid for this, but who would I bid to have lunch with? Deep thoughts.)
This is not the place to discuss this family's lives or question their decisions. This is a place to offer up our written prayers to the Lord on their behalf.
* * *
Lord, please bring the Gosselins back together as a loving family. Please provoke family and friends to come close to them and encourage them as husband and wife to practice humility, tenderness and respect toward each other. Please comfort their children as they suffer through this painful season. And may Your name be honored through the difficult decisions both Jon and Kate make during the coming weeks and months. In the name of Jesus, amen.
I'm here in Brevard, North Carolina. I live and work at a Christian Camp in the mountains of western North Carolina. On our property we have 16 waterfalls, this being the biggest. We just started our 40th summer, my third year on staff. I don't even remember how I first heard about Boundless, but now it's to the point where I think "How many days 'til Thursday?' I shared the Guys Guide with a couple of my friends, and we talked about that on the way to take some of the kids whitewater rafting.. good times. The second picture is a view from the top of the mountain just NE of the camp; at the bottom of the valley (opposite direction of this shot) is the above waterfall. Jesse
Today Candice answered a question that I believe meets singles right where they're at. That question, in essence, is: How and where can I meet a potential mate? Candice points out the importance of a network—friends and family members who can make the introductions. According to research by The Marriage Project, Candice writes, most people meet their spouses through introductions by a family member or close friend. In the end, it's not so much "where you go" to find a mate, but who you know and what they know about you.
I like Candice's advice. I also believe this goes beyond simply meeting people who will introduce you to potential mates. My investment in my Christian community affected my relationship with my now-fiancé, Kevin, in a slightly different way. We met on our own—a chance meeting at Starbucks. But because we attended the same church, he heard good reports from those in the church who knew me and saw how I was serving. Months before we began dating, seeds were planted in Kevin's mind about my character by people who knew me. A few of them even encouraged him specifically to consider a relationship with me. Though he didn't have romance on his mind at the time, when he decided to start a Bible study for twenty-somethings, I was a likely choice for co-leader. And that connection led to our relationship. As Candice points out, a healthy investment in mentor relationships can hold multiple benefits. Ask them to pray with and for you about your desire for marriage. They might surprise you by the introductions they can arrange. And even if they don't know any eligible bachelors right now, their discipleship will benefit your spiritual maturity. Further, they may be able to give candid advice about other improvement you can work on to make yourself more marriable.
Another fantastic blessing of cultivating this level of community is that when you do find yourself in a relationship, you have instant support, accountability and encouragement as you walk through courtship, engagement and into marriage. Our community was thrilled when Kevin and I got engaged, because they knew us both and approved wholeheartedly of the match. Candice's win-win advice produces positive benefits that extend beyond introductions.
I was riveted by Kimberly Eddy's article "The Long Journey from Obesity." Her candor about something so sensitive for most women was disarming. So was her reminder that being overweight doesn't necessarily equal being unfit or inactive. Having been both fit and trim, and postpartum and flabby, I was most encouraged by her story of visiting Austria where she found that even as she enjoyed foods she loved, she returned home lighter, not heavier. She says, I've had to get beyond the fads of the dieting business and embrace
temperance in all things. Sugar isn't bad; too much sugar is bad. Fats
aren't bad; too much fat is bad. God has told us that it is good for us
to enjoy what He's given to us (Ecclesiastes 5:18), and as Christians
we should be temperate in all things (1 Corinthians 9:25).
Since that time [in Austria], I changed my dieting strategy to reflect a
healthier, more balanced diet and lifestyle. I've made it a point to
never eat while multitasking, driving or standing. I only eat if the
table is set, and I am sitting down and relaxing, including snacks.
When I shop, I always park in the back of the parking lot, and walk as
much as possible. Unless time or weather are issues, my laundry gets
hung outside, though I admit to still having trouble with that one. I
like my dryer. I'm fairly certain that I'd be kicked out of my neighborhood if I started hanging my laundry on a line in our backyard (or at least sent a firm reprimand by the zoning committee), but I love what she says about eating intentionally. Sitting at a set table. Even for snacks. It's amazing how many calories I ingest while standing in the kitchen cooking, cleaning and caring for our four children. And they're usually calories I'm too busy and distracted to even appreciate. No more. And that brings me to the second awesome article from last week: Jenny Schroedel's The Conscientious Omnivore. Her insights about eating with a grateful heart are transformational. For someone who's too often lived to eat, rather than the other (healthy) way around, both food articles from last week have given me new motivation and commitment to eating (and moving) the way God meant us to. I'm hopeful I'll get fit in the process.
I enjoy a variety of food, including meat. Lamb saag, chicken saltimbocca, spicy tuna rolls, sauerbraten, ground turkey tacos, rueben sandwiches — I love all of them. Yummo!
To be honest, though, the less I think about where it came from, the easier it is for me to ingest it. When the food reminds me too much of the animal it came from — shrimp, chicken wings, ribs, quail, osso buco — I sometimes lose my appetite.
At those times, I remind myself that eating meat has been sanctioned by God Himself. The Lord specifically told Peter to "kill and eat" a variety of animals.
Paul also affirms the eating of meat, writing that we are free to "eat whatever is sold in the meat market without raising any question on the ground of conscience." He goes on to explain:
If I partake with thankfulness, why am I denounced because of that for which I give thanks? So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
And that's how I personally deal with my weirdness about eating certain foods: I thank the Lord for His provision, a gift that sustains me and that tastes good. And then I dig in.
Some people — certain indigenous Americans or native Hawaiians, for example — take it a step farther and express thanks to the creature itself. I've never done that, but I can appreciate how such an expression conveys the seriousness and sensitivity of the situation. An animal's life has come to an end, after all, and it strikes me as appropriate to be so resolutely grateful.
Boundless author Jenny Schroedel has wrestled with this as well, which led her to avoid eating meat for almost a decade:
I didn't like meat's texture, the color, but most especially I didn't like the idea. By the time I was in fourth grade, I lost my appetite completely.
One day, though, while serving food at a homeless shelter, she felt convicted to simply and humbly eat whatever was put before her with gratitude. And so she ate a sloppy joe.
For Jenny, her gratitude for meat has worked itself backward to a concern for the life of the animal from which the meat has come. The thankfulness she has for the food translates to a thankfulness for the life of the creature that provided it. This seems consistent with Proverbs 12:10: "A righteous man has regard for the life of his animal." Decent people want to see life treated with appropriate respect; the callous only care about their bellies.
I'm not going to join PETA. I'm not going to demean those who care for animals at large farms. I am interested to see, though, how my thankfulness for a juicy filet mignon affects my attitude toward the life that produced it. And consequently toward the One who created and provided that life in the first place.
Dear Boundless, I am here in Windsor Ontario Canada. I read
your webzine almost daily and since one of my nearest and dearest
friends happens to write for you guys I have to say I am a little
biased when I say you guys are GREAT! I am engaged (wedding is on June
27th, 2009) to a wonderful man who also enjoys reading your articles. Boundless has been an encouragement to me through my single years and
into my dating years and subsequently my engagement. I know that it
will continue to be so as I become a wife and mother. May God bless
you for your efforts and dedication to our generation. The little one
you see in the photo with me is my adorable neice Layla Marie, she just
loves to play in the snow, we have lots during the winter. Currently
it is sunny and warm as we are heading into Summer, soon it will reach
well into the 90 degree area with high humidity. Keep up the good work
Boundless and I'll be here, looking forward to the next article! In Christ,
Alexis Kryzaniwskyj (soon to be Mrs. Benjamin Joel Fluit)
***
Congratulations Alexis and Benjamin! We pray this week leading up to your wedding would be blessed.
I must've been 10 or so. I'd just come back from summer camp, enthused about the greatest sport of all time: tetherball.
So my dad bought a long pole, got an iron cap for it, found some rope, picked up a tetherball in town somewhere, rummaged up an old tire, mixed some concrete ... and made it possible for me to play tetherball any time I wanted.
Maybe a year later my dad must've noticed a high-tech inquisitiveness about me. So he got some plywood and made a workbench in the basement, bought a small soldering iron from Radio Shack and showed me how to use it, and then ordered me a Heathkit shortwave radio. I remember the long hours I'd carefully affix diodes and transistors and capacitors and resistors and wires and rubber feet and knobs to the circuit board and chassis. I remember the smell of the solder, the care I put into making sure I didn't melt any electronics, and the stations I brought in once it was all assembled.
Over the years, my dad showed me how to plant corn using fish guts as fertilizer, how to rinse garden carrots off in the lake before eating them, how to tack into the wind in our little sunfish, how to cross-country ski, how to weld copper pipes and elbows, how to shoot a .22 and an arrow, how to clean a northern pike, how to use a slide rule, how to mix epoxy, how to paint a wall, how to use his stethoscope, how to look through an endoscope at the inside of someone's stomach.
Now I've got kids of my own. Now I understand the attentiveness, sacrifice, inconvenience and expense of good parenting.
Thanks, Dad. May I be as good a father to my daughters as you've been to me.
I'll never forget the panic attack I had leaving the hospital after my first child was born. As I was strapping her in the car seat, I remember thinking, Wow, she's really mine. I mean, I'm responsible for her now. I actually have to take her home.
Which I did ... never going above 25 miles per hour ... with the hazards on ... waving at the people tailgating to go around.
While I know it's a bit cliche, it did happen. And it does illustrate (if only a little) the immediate effect of fatherhood on men.
First Things' blogger Andrew Peach goes a lot further in his article on the change that takes place when men become fathers. He concludes that children "literally and perhaps even intentionally" kill the father's "ego-centered lives."
Most fathers-to-be suppose that their old ego-centered lives will continue more or less unabated after the child arrives. With the exception of a few more obstacles and demands on their time, their involvement with their children is envisioned as being something manageable and marginal. Nothing like a complete transformation—an abrupt end to their former life—really enters men’s minds.
But then the onslaught begins, and a man begins to realize that these people, his wife and children, are literally and perhaps even intentionally killing his old self. All around him everything is changing, without any signs of ever reverting back to the way they used to be. Into the indefinite future, nearly every hour of his days threatens to be filled with activities that, as a single-person or even a childless husband, he never would have chosen. Due to the continual interruptions of sleep, he is always mildly fatigued; due to long-term financial concerns, he is cautious in spending, forsaking old consumer habits and personal indulgences; he finds his wife equally exhausted and preoccupied with the children; connections with former friends start to slip away; traveling with his children is like traveling third class in Bulgaria, to quote H.L. Mencken; and the changes go on and on. In short, he discovers, in a terrifying realization, what Dostoevsky proclaimed long ago: “[A]ctive love is a harsh and fearful reality compared with love in dreams.” Fatherhood is just not what he bargained for.
Yet, through the exhaustion, financial stress, screaming, and general chaos, there enters in at times, mysteriously and unexpectedly, deep contentment and gratitude. It is not the pleasure or amusement of high school or college but rather the honor and nobility of sacrifice and commitment, like that felt by a soldier. What happens to his children now happens to him; his life, though awhirl with the trivial concerns of children, is more serious than it ever was before. Everything he does, from bringing home a paycheck to painting a bedroom, has a new end and, hence, a greater significance. The joys and sorrows of his children are now his joys and sorrows; the stakes of his life have risen. And if he is faithful to his calling, he might come to find that, against nearly all prior expectations, he never wants to return to the way things used to be.
In this life, few things illustrate the biblical principle of finding yourself by losing yourself quite like fatherhood. It's a great reminder as we seek to honor our father's this weekend.
HT: Between Two Worlds
I can't tell you where I am or I might have to shoot you. =) This is a picture from biking around the neighbourhood.
Call me technologically deficient, but I recently discovered how to download podcasts on iTunes, including the Boundless show! It's a welcomed Sunday activity, as there's nowhere to get that kind of input around here in person.
Feel free to talk to the Big Guy for the family here and the people we meet anytime you want. =)
I have a big announcement. But you'll have to listen to this week's Boundless Show to find out what it is.
I will tell you that you will hear me discuss my relationship with Kevin and our age difference (I am older). At first, it was a deal breaker for both of us. But once we came around (in God's timing and through His obvious orchestration), we discovered some of the unique—and sometimes delightful—aspects of a May-December relationship.
On the podcast, Ted and his wife Ashleigh also discuss their age difference. In their case, Ted is the elder of the two. How does the more-than-a-decade difference play out in their marriage? On many counts, they say, it doesn't matter.
I walked away from our discussion with this: In the search for a godly mate, keep an open mind. Don't focus on incidentals, such as age, social status or career success. Instead, concentrate on the person. Is he or she godly? Are the two of you compatible? Do you see evidence that God is confirming the relationship?
Enjoy the discussion (and the announcement)! Then share your thoughts here.
You're How Old? -- 00:00
Age differences. You've read about it on the blog and now we're bringing it to the roundtable. Ted and Suzanne brought in their "others" Ashleigh and Kevin to talk about their age difference experience. If you're wondering how to deal with an age gap, these two couples have a great perspective so listen in.
Jeff Caylor -- 27:07
For this week's culture segment we have our good friend Jeff Caylor on the line from Hong Kong to talk about his new album What Birds Dream, his upcoming nuptials and Michael Jackson cover songs. Jeff is not only our culture guest but also our featured musical artist.
He Likes me, He Likes me Not -- 47:17
He texts, he flirts, he asks her to coffee and then ... nothing. You know that story, the one with the guy who acts like he likes the girl but then for some unknown reason he stops talking to her. Apparently this guy can't make up his mind and she wants to know what to do about it. Does she call him out? Can they still be friends? Suzanne and Lisa give some been-there-done-that advice.
Ted brought his Flip videocamera to the studio this week, catching us as we prepared for the recording. Check it out:
According to a new study, "Not Who You Think They Are: The Real Story of People Who Attend America's Megachurches", young and single adults make up a larger proportion of megachurch congregations than they do of smaller congregations.
In what the authors describe as the "first major national survey of megachurch attenders," the study looks at three major themes:
- Who attends a megachurch
- Why they come
- Why some stay (their italics, not mine)
In the first theme, "Who attends a megachurch?", the study found some similarities between the congregations of megachurches and those of smaller churches. Both congregations are "predominantly female, well-educated, middle class and married with children." But, the study states, "if one looks closer at the information, significant differences emerge."
Specifically, megachurch congregations are "considerably younger" and have "many more singles."
Considerably Younger: Nearly two-thirds of megachurch attenders are under 45 years old, while only a third are for the all-church sample. Megachurches also have a significantly higher percentage of 18- to 24-year-olds in their congregations (18%) compared to typical churches (5%).
Many More Singles: Single adults represent about 10% of a typical American church congregation. However, they represent almost one-third of a megachurch congregation. "Interestingly," the authors write, "these single attenders were twice as likely to be living with other singles when compared to churches of other sizes, but equal in percentage for those living alone. This suggests that perhaps a larger percentage of the megachurch singles are students, a perception confirmed in our visits to the megachurches."
That got me to wondering why young singles seem to prefer megachurches. According to the study, worship style is the strongest factor in initial attraction to a megachurch, followed by senior pastor, church reputation and music/arts. If that worship and teaching are biblically sound, then this trend could be a fine thing. But I am concerned about the lack of older Christians, older marrieds and older parents in megachurches. Wouldn't it be difficult to benefit from the wisdom of mentors when there are so few? How can we learn from marriages that have stood the test of time if we're surrounded by those who are either aren't or are only recently married? How can we learn from parents who have brought up their children in fear and admonition of the Lord if we never actually see them? Christian maturity is not limited by age but I've also learned over the past decade that I shouldn't discount the benefits of a life lived following the Lord. Perhaps your experience is different. But, when I'm honest, I realize that the best and most sound biblical advice I've received are from those who are able to look back at my life stage, not those who are participating in it with me.
What about you? Do you attend a megachurch or a smaller church? Do you see pros or cons to either?
I'm going to be honest here. I don't always get a chance to read the daily article. It's not that I don't like them. Before I started working here, I read them everyday. But by the time I've updated twitter, moderated comments, published blogs and answered emails the day's half gone and I've got to get busy with editing and archives and such. But being the resident health nut, the title of today's article caught my eye.
If you're like me and you tend to spend most of your Boundless moments on the blog, pull yourself away and read this article start to finish. In The Long Journey from Obesity Kimberly Eddy talks about her struggle with obesity. She wasn't always overweight. In fact, after five babies she still fit in her wedding dress. Not many people can say that!
Obesity is not something I ever thought I would need to deal with. I was very into natural health, eating right, and exercising. I was very prideful that after five closely spaced babies, I could still pull on my wedding dress (which I kept it in my closet, just to say I could still put it on). An accident, then a serious illness and some drug interactions later, I was suddenly obese, and no amount of dieting made the excess weight budge for several years.
I had to reach a point in my life where I decided to focus more on eating healthy, in moderation, and exercising in moderation. I made a decision to be as healthy as I could be, even if, due to these fluctuating metabolic and health problems, there was very little change on the scale or in my clothing size.
As I read about her dedication to exercise and healthy eating in spite of never seeing the results in weight loss I thought about some of our commenters here on the Line.
In the time I've been moderating your comments I've come across more than one person who, like Kimberly, is overweight because of a medical condition not lack of discipline. If you're one of those commenters, I hope you find comfort and encouragement in Kimberly's story.
Hello Boundless team and readers,
I’ve been reading Boundless
for about three years and usually comment on Boundless line as "Lady
Akofa." Boundless has been influential in shaping my values about
relationships, marriage, family and biblical womanhood. Although,
contextually, some points may not apply to me, I just love that Candice
Watters and John Thomas tackle hard questions from readers, with such
graciousness and tact, always pointing readers back to the final
authority: God's word.
May I use this opportunity to say a hearty, big thank you to the Boundless team for your labor of love? THAAANK YOU!
It's
mango season and I'm standing in front on mango trees in my house
grounds, with a wooden barn and the gardener's trousers in the
background. You guessed right, I love mangoes.
My arms are reaching out, sure it was a
self-portrait but really.... I'm sending lots of hugs to you all from Ghana,
Lady Akofa. :)
Relationships can really mess you up. Take professional golfer Sergio Garcia for example. In a USA Today article featuring Garcia and his return to the U.S. Open at Bethpage Black after nearly winning there in 2002, he talks about how his break-up with Greg Norman's daughter, Morgan-Leigh, has affected his game this year.
Garcia, who has slipped to No. 4, said in May that he has been reeling since his relationship ended with Greg Norman's daughter, Morgan-Leigh.
"A couple of personal things happened, and that didn't help," Garcia said about the state of his game. "Then, obviously, you lose a little bit of confidence, and it's harder to recover from that. When your head is not where it should be, it doesn't matter how much you practice, because you are not thinking about what you are doing.
Even when relationships are done biblically, there's almost always an emotional investment that requires healing if it ends. When they're not done biblically, they can feel like mini-divorces requiring a sports psychologist. (Not that Garcia needed one though.)
It'll be interesting to see how Garcia does this weekend. Especially given the focus required for a sport like golf where the slightest distraction can give you the yips .
Having trouble sleeping? Then read yesterday's Boundless article A Third of our Lives from Jenny Schroedel. She not only instructs how to get a good night's sleep, she explains why it's good for the soul.
Sleep is also a reminder of our mortality. The threshold of sleep is the very edge of life. "Sleep is a gift of death," Rossi said. "In sleep we have no more money, memory or consciousness. Each night, we experience a small death as a prelude to our ultimate death, and each morning we experience a small resurrection." George MacDonald echoed his sentiments, saying that in sleep our bodies are "sown in weakness, but raised in power."
John Piper has "a brief theology of sleep" along these lines that's quite humbling as well.
Sleep is a daily reminder from God that we are not God. “He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep” (Psalm 121:4). But Israel will. For we are not God. Once a day God sends us to bed like patients with a sickness. The sickness is a chronic tendency to think we are in control and that our work is indispensable. To cure us of this disease God turns us into helpless sacks of sand once a day. How humiliating to the self-made corporate executive that he has to give up all control and become as limp as a suckling infant every day.
"[H]elpless sacks of sand" and "suckling infant[s]." Awesome.
I read your blog and articles from the living room of my first apartment. I've been reading them since I was a young teenager, and they have always been a meaningful source of wisdom in my life.
Thank you and God Bless,
Amanda
We recently received this request from a Boundless reader:
I have been following Boundless for quite some time now and greatly appreciate the wisdom you all have shared with the rest of us!
I have finally decided to share something I have been troubled with for some time. When I was younger I kept to myself. I have always been more of an introvert and never had a large number of friends. Since I joined the military, I have drifted away from almost all of them. Now I find myself relatively alone and am not sure what to do. I can’t seem to make new friendships, as my schedule in the military is constantly changing and I frequently work nights and weekends.
I can’t regularly attend a church for the same reasons. While I still consider myself an introvert, I really want to be able to have a strong group of friends and be part of a church. I don’t have any kind of mentor either. I am very close with my family, but since I live across the country from them, there is only so much they can do.
And when it comes to trying to find a wife, it seems impossible. The only people I am around are my coworkers, but I haven’t been stationed with any other believers. I know the military is the right place for me to be. I don’t have any doubts this is where God wants me, but I am so isolated. The closest I get to church is by podcasting the Boundless show and several churches that post their sermons online.
I know this isn’t exactly a question, but it is something I need help with. I would greatly appreciate your prayers, and any advice.
I’ll address some general issues and then answer a few of the questions specific to the reader's military situation, but I think this is also a case of throwing this open to the Boundless readership for their … well, boundless advice.
First, I'm an introvert and, like you, I like to be by myself. I understand. It's not that I don't have friends or don't get along with people; I just tend to keep my own company. But I've learned over the years that you get out of a relationship what you put into it. If you’re going to have friends, you have to be a friend. Often it’s up to you to make the first move.
Ditto for finding a mate. Boundless if full of advice on the man's need to be the initiator. I know it's easier said than done, but learn to step out in faith. Sometimes it’s as simple as striking up a conversation. (Just beware of using pick-up lines, whether intentional or not.) Nothing forced or corny. And don't just talk about yourself.
As for your military situation, you are not specific as to which branch of the military you're in, where you're stationed, what rank you are, or what your MOS is. (That's military occupational specialty to the uninitiated.) That makes it hard to give specific advice.
I do know that it's sometimes hard for Christians in the military to find a good church. Every base usually has a minimum of one chaplain. Some have many. The potential problem is that some chaplains are not believers. I'm not talking about Jewish or Muslim chaplains, either. Even some ordained by Christian denominations—ordination by a recognized religious body is a prerequisite for all chaplains—do not believe or preach the simple Gospel. But he (or sometimes she) is the only choice you have. For example, the military considers a Mormon chaplain as fulfilling a Christian billet.
If you're Stateside and you can’t find a chaplain who preaches the Word, try to find a good church off base. Many are happy to provide rides to military people, so it’s just a matter of looking in the phone book and making a few calls. If you're overseas, that might be more problematic. But groups such as The Navigators and other Christian outreaches often have people posted near military bases. And even though it may be hard to attend Sunday services every week, a good church should have small groups or regular Bible studies that you can participate in. It's important to worship God, but it's also important to have fellowship with and learn from your fellow believers.
As for finding a wife, I'll say beware, especially if you're overseas. (This from a guy who met and married his wife in Switzerland.) In a lot of places women see an American serviceman as a ticket to "the land of the big PX" and a quick Green Card. No, not every foreign-born woman is like this, but a certain number are. You need to show an extra measure of discernment on top of what you normally would in meeting women here in the States.
Even if you find an American who interests you, you face some restrictions that the average Boundless reader doesn’t—namely, that commissioned officers and enlisted personnel are not allowed to fraternize. Sometimes when you’re out in town in civvies, you can’t tell.
(True story: A Marine gunnery sergeant stationed in Japan had been teaching himself Japanese in order to improve his chances with the local women. He saw a beautiful woman at a restaurant off base and started to chat her up in his best Japanese. She just gave him a small smile and let him go on and on, finally interrupting him with perfect, Southern-accented English that sounded straight out of Gone With the Wind: "I can't understand a word ya’ll are sayin'." Turns out she was Japanese-American born and raised in Atlanta and didn’t speak a word of Japanese. Moreover, she was a Navy lieutenant, a commissioned officer, and he was an noncommissioned officer, meaning even if they’d hit it off, the relationship would have violated the rules.)
You're right, too, that crazy schedules in the military throw up another obstacle that most civilians don't face. Again, you’ll have to make the effort. Things won't simply fall into your lap. God doesn't usually work that way. But it is easier to steer a moving car than one that’s sitting still, so start moving, pray, and trust God for His best.
If I may be so bold, I also suggest reading a book addressed to specifically to people like you. Beyond that, I’ll throw it open to the Boundless crowd and see what advice they offer.
hello i read your article about enslaved by sex and i am youth leader in the church and i have a girlfriend i have been with for 2 years and we entered the church together and we had sex before and then we stopped and then we continued and then we stopped for a while a long while and then we stopped and after i while i was so deep into sin that i was scared to tell anyone because my pastor started trusting me and i would feel like i failed him.
So begins the question that John Thomas addresses in today's Boundless Answers column, "Tormented by Sexual Sin."
I decided against editing the question too much, beyond adding paragraph breaks and cleaning up some of the more egregious punctuation. I left much of it as we received it, though, so that you might get a better sense of this young man's desperation.
In his shout-out to Little Rock, John characterized his reply as "a rant." Hm. Is it a rant? You decide -- here are a few paragraphs:
I'll be honest, most young Christian men in your situation are too selfish and cowardly to make the changes necessary to move forward. They keep talking about change, but never actually do anything about it — until something happens that forces it. They talk big of wanting to be used by God but continue to waddle around in sexual sin and pornography, sapped of all their strength, powerless in the kingdom of God.
Why won't they get violent with their sin? Why won't they rip the computer out of the wall? Why won't they burn the magazines? Why won't they break off the relationships? Why won't they repent in dust and ashes? Why won't they change?
Well, because it makes them feel so good.
Warriors on the sidelines, watching the adventure go by, while they eat their stew.
Strong words. The truth is, though, that sometimes we need strong words to motivate us to honor the Lord rather than seek selfish satisfaction for our desires.
I've been in a similar place: being in a sinful relationship while serving in church leadership. And I've benefited from such strong counsel as John's, and benefited from experiencing the painful consequences of my sin.
I pray this young man, and maybe even you, find John's words to be redemptive, and not dismiss them too quickly as "a rant."
This is me at my kitchen table in Little Rock, writing today's Boundless Answers: Men column. I've just finished a rant and as you can tell I'm pretty pleased with myself. That is lovely Arkansas in the background. In the foreground is my unshaven face.
John Thomas
Much less.
On current events related to the economy and foreign affairs, young adults ages 18-29 averaged 20 percentage points lower than older adults on a simple 12-question quiz.
Here's the summary from Pew:
As in the past, younger Americans (ages 18 to 34) are not as knowledgeable about the news as are older Americans. On a current event knowledge survey, young adults averaged 5.9 correct answers out of 12 news-based questions, fewer than the averages for Americans ages 35 to 49 (7.8) and above age 50 (8.4). In fact, for each of the 12 items tested, a greater proportion of both age groups over age 35 knew the correct answer than adults under 35. The knowledge gap is widest on foreign affairs.
I know I'll get railed for this but I couldn't help notice that the 20 percentage point differential is pretty close to the gap (16 percent) in how young adults voted in the last presidential election versus the 30+ crowd. Hm.
I took the test and answered 12 out of 12 correctly. I don't say that to impress, but to show you how easy it was.
To test your current events knowledge, go here.
Yesterday on his blog, Randy Alcorn answers a question from a young couple who are $100,000 in debt and wondering about how much, if any, they should be giving to the church.
The couple acknowledges that they are "reaping consequences from bad choices." But now that they are attempting to pay down the hundred grand of student loans, they are getting different advice on where giving should fit into their budget. They ask:
We have been counseled in a number of ways on this. One is that you continue giving SO THAT God will meet your need (which is much like the "prosperity gospel" and we believe the motive for giving is not right). Then we were taught that we need to be faithful, even if the budget is tight, to give at least 10%, and that that should be our FIRST check we make out each month (even if we know we won't make our other bills) as evidence of the priority of God and His church in our lives. We've also heard it taught that since we're in debt, our money is not our own so we need to work really hard to pay that back so that our money is freed to give back to God.
I understand what you are saying about the heart of giving, but I was wondering what is the biblical approach in these situations?
Alcorn addresses many points in his answer, but here are a few highlights:
- "I disagree in the strongest possible way with those who argue that since we're in debt we shouldn't give to God until we get out of debt."
- "I agree 100% with the position that we need to be faithful in our giving, maintaining it in difficult times and increasing it if we haven't been giving much in the past. Often our lack of giving has been a large part of our financial problem. Certainly, it is never a solution to it."
- "Debt is especially dangerous when we’re tempted to rob our primary creditor (God) to pay our secondary creditors (people)."
- "We owe the first fruits to God, not the last fruits. Those who put God first will pay off their human creditors, while those who put human creditors before the divine Creditor always get into trouble."
- "If by giving to God we can no longer afford to make payments on a loan, then we need to liquidate our assets, take losses where we must, and cut spending to a minimum to eliminate the debt."
You can read the entire answer here.
I was a Focus on the Family Institute Student in Fall 1998. What an amazing semester!
Since leaving Colorado Springs I've finished college, gone to seminary, received my M.Div. and worked at a local church for over five years as the Director of Community. I often use your articles as discussion starters with young women I disciple.
In August my husband of three years, whom I met at church, and I will be traveling to rural Yola, Nigeria. He is going to be a professor of Petroleum Chemistry and I'll be volunteering with local non-profits, teaching ethics at the university or hanging out at an orphanage to love on some babies.
I have you on my bloglines feed so I'll stay in touch while we are gone and hopefully our Nigeria students can benefit from boundless as much as our American ones have. You can follow our travels and stories on our new blog: Tales of LIFE in Yola, Nigeria at www.clifandcorrin.com.
Blessings,
Corrin
I really enjoyed Tim Challies' article today comparing reading books on the Kindle with reading books on, well, bound pages with a spine and everything. Here is Challies on why he prefers ink on paper:
Its book-like qualities were its best qualities; its non-book-like qualities were the ones that got to me. All of the things that annoyed me were the things that made the experience more like operating a computer and less like reading a book. Pages took too long to turn; I could not splash yellow highlighter on the pages; I could not skim through the book looking quickly for a word or phrase or note; I could not scrawl notes in the margins.
Not that there aren't benefits that come with a Kindle like being able to transfer notes to a computer through a USB port or free access to classics. But for all its benefits, Challies explains that, "Everything I wanted the Kindle to do, a book could do better."
Books are the perfect technology. I'm convinced of it. This is why the Kindle experience failed me -- it was an attempt to make the book better. And this is impossible to do. There is no technology more perfectly suited to its purpose than this one. In comparison to the book, any e-reader falters and fails.
I sort of feel the same way about reading my Wall Street Journal. I love the experience of it. I love the look, feel, smell and sound of it. (Yes, the WSJ has a sound.) I love sending my boy to fetch it in the morning. I love reading it in my favorite chair with cup of coffee on the side table.
I hope all the print-is-dead talk is wrong. There are so many ink-on-paper experiences that would be missed if we go the way of the e-reader.
Ashley had to fly to Virginia for bridesmaid duty and Lisa is in some sort of media spokesperson training so the podcast blog is up to me today. Which stinks because I had absolutely nothing to contribute to this week's roundtable on being a good groomsman or bridesmaid. But don't let that dissuade you from listening because the other three slayed the segment, especially Lisa who sent me this email when we landed on the topic:
"How to be a good bridesmaid = put your life on hold, empty your bank account and act like a slave."
She backs up that sentiment with a couple of stories from her bridesmaid experiences.
Improving the Wedding Party -- 00:00
I've been a groomsman four times in my life. But it was the groomsmen at my own wedding who taught me what being a good groomsman really means. And it's more than just escorting mothers and lighting candles. One in particular, my father, prevented a AFV type moment with a simple wink.
Dr. Mohler's New Book -- 21:50
Simply put, Dr. Albert Mohler is da bom. This week he joins us by phone to discuss his new book The Disappearance of God: Dangerous Beliefs in the New Spiritual Openness. Here Dr. Mohler talks about the disappearance of hellfire and brimstone preaching and church discipline. And, as a bonus, Dr. Mohler shares his reaction to the murder of late-term abortionist George Tiller.
Why Try? -- 39:51
You won't want to miss this week's question from a young woman who feels called to singleness and asks if she needs to wear make-up or otherwise make herself beautiful. Candice Watters tackles this one from a perspective of stewardship. To find out how, listen now.
Finally, I want to thank independent artist Zach Dodd for providing this week's music from his cd Children Without Names. I've enjoyed listening to it all week and think it's a great enhancement to the show.
From ScienceDaily.com we get this headline: "When Young Men Are Scarce, They're More Likely To Play The Field Than To Propose." According to the press release:
In places where young women outnumber young men, research shows the hemlines rise but the marriage rates don't because the young men feel less pressure to settle down as more women compete for their affections.
But when those men reach their 30s, the reverse is true and proportionately more older men are married in areas where women outnumber men.
This finding comes from a University of Michigan researcher named Daniel Kruger,who studies evolution and how it relates to contemporary behavior. Taking an evolutionary perspective, Kruger would have expected men who are outnumbered to take a rational "survival of the species" type-approach and to compete for a partner in order to pass along their genes, but that's not what he found.
"Marriage patterns aren't rational because men and women have somewhat different reproductive strategies," Kruger said. "Men have a greater reproductive benefit than women from having a greater quantity of relationships. If they can leverage their scarcity into attracting multiple short-term partners, they will not have as much of an incentive to settle down."
Those of us who don't proscribe to an evolutionary view of life recognize that men and women have a lot more on their minds than "reproductive strategies." We know humans are driven by motivations that are more complex than simple animal instincts. What other motivations do you think might be at play than the evolutionary theory Kruger offers?
For additional food for thought on this topic, check out the article series Plenty of Men to Go Around that Candice wrote. That article provides the reminder that there just aren't many metro areas where single women outnumber single men. Despite conventional wisdom, single men outnumber single women in the great majority of communities throughout the United States.
Hi Boundless!
I'm a Jamaican teaching English in Japan. This is a picture of the beautiful outfits worn by Japanese Maiko (a bit like hostesses in training). I took it while I was in Kyoto.
When you relocate to the other side of the world you are bound to have moments when you ask yourself, "What am I doing?" It was during one of those moments that I googled something like, "Christian advice, young adult, What am I doing?" and found Boundless.org.
That was almost a year ago. I visit the website every day and I have listened to every podcast. Boundless has provided a virtual community of support, guidance and reinforcement. I've been telling anyone who will listen -- here and back home -- about the website.
I'm just one of many readers and listeners helped along in my walk with Christ by your ministry.
Thank you Boundless.
Symerna
I’m editing a pre-marriage module for the Focus on the Family marriage subsite. One of the articles I'm trying to cut down is First Year Off by Jonathan Dodson. He wrote it for Boundless a couple years ago. I've had to take off my reading glasses and have a come to Jesus moment here in my cubical over this article.
That's the thing about working at a Christian webzine, if your heart's sensitive to the Holy Spirit the stuff you have to edit, read, and write can really be convicting. (I guess that's not so much the thing about working at a Christian webzine as just being sensitive to the Spirit. Which unfortunately, I'm often not.)
The first part of the article made me feel pretty warm and fuzzy about my upcoming nuptials but as I neared the last section Jonathan's words began to rub against one of my idols: efficiency.
Here was the conversation I had with Jonathan (in my head) as I read. The brackets are the things that Jonathan didn't actually say. Ted said that in real life Jonathan is a nice guy, so I'm sure he won't mind too much that I'm putting words in his mouth.
***
Jonathan Dodson: Time isn't money and efficiency isn't the highest virtue—
Ashley Harris: WHAT?! Who told you that? Well whoever it was…they lied. Efficiency most certainly is the highest virtue.
Jonathan Dodson: [Wait a minute now, let me finish.] Time isn't money and efficiency isn't the highest virtue — love is — and love can be very inefficient.
Ashley Harris: Have you been talking to Brian?
Jonathan Dodson: [Brian who? And…uh…couldn’t you just read the article and stop interrupting me.]
Ashley Harris: Brian. My fiancé. All this talk about love not being efficient sounds a lot like something he would say. He’s asks me to do stuff that’s completely inefficient in time and energy saying that it’s important to him and it makes him feel loved. Like waiting on him to fix his car so we can do errands together. Me watching him change oil doesn’t make sense when I could be picking up dry cleaning and buying groceries. Did he tell you to write this?
Jonathan Dodson: [No. I’m pretty sure I wrote this article long before you got engaged. Unless you’ve been engaged since 2007.]
Ashley Harris: Okay, then. Go on…
Jonathan Dodson: [Like I was saying in my article,] a few weeks ago we got a babysitter and took an entire weekend to ourselves. This weekend occurred just before I left for an overseas trip on Sunday night. I returned on Friday to preach my first Easter sermon. Over the next two weeks I had to finalize a master's thesis, fly to Texas for an interview, defend my thesis and prepare another sermon. Oh, and there was my other part-time job. I could have really used that weekend away to work on my thesis or sermon. From a productive standpoint it was a pretty inefficient weekend.
Ashley Harris: No kidding. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything but think about all the stuff I had to get done. Like last night, I had a dress fitting that took wayyyyy longer than they said it would. There were invitations to work on, and I was packing to go out of town for my friend's wedding, and I was cooking dinner, and I had the worst attitude and barely managed to ask Brian about his day—
Jonathan Dodson: [Not to be rude, but this is my story.]
Ashley Harris: Oh, right. Sorry about that. Guess I’m still a little stressed about those invitations.
Jonathan Dodson: [Invites can be stressful. But like I was saying,] efficiency isn't my highest virtue. Well, at least I strive for it not to be. In choosing to take that time off, my wife and I had one of the most intimate, fun, and insightful times we've had in a while. By taking a step back from vocational and social responsibilities at work, church, and/or school, we were able to spend more time knowing and loving one another. In turn, that led to a greater relational intimacy and understanding, which fueled our marriage for the future.
Ashley Harris: Uh...I need to get back to editing your article.
***
As you can see I didn't have anything else to say to Jonathan. I was silenced by conviction. Deep down I believe that efficiency is the highest virtue even though I know it’s not. How can it be when scripture says that the greatest virtue is love?
I want to get to a place where I can choose to do seemingly inefficient things with the people I love instead of always doing what “makes sense.” I want their happiness to make more sense to me than getting things done my way.
Over at the Gender Blog, I found a very insightful and helpful editorial by Dr. Denny Burk (located in the latest edition of The Journal for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood).
In it, Dr. Burk outlines what he believes are the main points of contention between a biblical and secular worldview on gender and sex. First, Dr. Burk addresses the three main secular views:
- Gender is something that you learn, not something that you are. "In other words, the idea of male and female comprises a set of stereotypes that we absorb from our culture. Male and female does not designate a universal, innate distinction among humans. Thus gender is merely a social construct."
- Sex is for pleasure, not for God. "We might call this the Sheryl-Crow-philosophy-on-sexuality. If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. This perspective affirms any and all attempts to get sexual pleasure so long as such attempts do not harm others. If it feels good and you're not hurting anyone, then how could it possibly be wrong?"
- Marriage is cultural, not universal. "In other words, marriage is something that came from human culture, not from God. It has a human origin, not a divine one. With God out of the picture, humans are free to make marriage into whatever they want."
Dr. Burk contrasts those secular beliefs with three biblical truths:
- Gender is something you are before you learn anything. "In other words, the distinctions between male and female find their origin in God's good creation, not in what we learn from culture. That is not to say that people do not absorb ideas about gender from the culture, some of which are quite unhelpful. But that fact should not be used to suppress the truth that in the beginning God differentiated humankind as male and female as a part of His original creation-work."
- Sex is for God before there is any lasting pleasure. "When people treat pleasure as the goal of sex, not only do they inevitably end up in immorality but they also end up with less pleasure. God is not a cosmic killjoy when it comes to sex. He intends for His creatures to enjoy this great gift for His sake, and that can only happen when God's people realize that the body is not for immorality but for the Lord (1 Cor 6:13)."
- Marriage is universal, not cultural. "From the Garden of Eden forward, God intended marriage to be an enacted parable of another marriage: Christ's marriage to His church (Eph 5:31-32). Thus, marriage is not defined by the culture, but by the gospel itself."
Good stuff. Reading Burk's article helped me to articulate some of the underlying assumptions in the debates over sexuality and gender in our society. But, my favorite part of the article was when Burk recommended that Christians emphasize a two-pronged approach to gender and sex in our culture -- both a countercultural message from the church and countercultural living among individuals and families in the church. By doing both, we both proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ and show its power in our lives.
I confessed a couple of weeks ago that I was growing anxious about having volunteered to be a crew leader with my church's Vacation Bible School.
As I wrote in my blog post on Day 1, things didn't go all that badly. I felt like I was connecting with my eight elementary-aged kids, and I was enjoying their friendship. Then Day 2 came along; you may have sensed a bit of weariness in the blog post I wrote that day.
Well, partly because my plate was full here at work, and partly because I lacked the creative energy to do much writing, blog updates for Days 3 and 4 and 5 were left unwritten.
Until now.
So, yes, I spent the mornings last week caring for eight kids, aged 6 to 11. Lots of personality, lots of energy. Consequently, lots of personal engagement and energy was required of me. Which left me drained. And kind of on edge, to be honest.
I'm reminded of Carolyn McCulley's article, "You Made Me Sin," in which she speaks of our hearts as a kind of sponge. Circumstances squeeze it, and out comes ... something:
[W]hen we get squeezed by the circumstances of life (an inevitability), we ooze the overflow of our hearts. We usually don't like what we see, so we blame the squeeze. We blame the circumstances. "I wouldn't have reacted that way if I hadn't been tired." Or, "I only said that because I was hot, thirsty, and uncomfortable." That's our default setting: blame the circumstances.
But Jesus tells us the overflow is what's already in our hearts. Being tired, hot, thirsty, or uncomfortable are only "revealers"; they aren't the reason we react in anger. We're angry because anger has taken root in our hearts.
And that's what I saw this past week. Doing motions for the same songs day after day squeezed the sponge of my heart. Having kids jump on me and hang from my neck, even after I'd asked them not to, squeezed the sponge of my heart. Seeing other volunteers who seemed bored or agitated to be there squeezed the sponge of my heart. Feeling like I didn't have enough time to distribute things to the kids or talk with them about anything meaningful squeezed the sponge of my heart.
And out came sin. I began watching the clock, eager for the morning to end, eager to get away from the noise. I found myself disengaging a bit from the kids who enjoyed strangling me. My hand motions were half-hearted; the ones that included sign language I began to disregard as uncreative and uninspiring, and maybe even a politically correct "statement" from the choreographer.
Yuck. Sin is ugly, hm?
Will I volunteer again next year? Right now I'm thinking no. I think my energies are best spent in a more academic, less relationally demanding way. Was I wrong to volunteer this year? No, I think it was the Lord's will that I serve my church and these kids in the way that I did. A lot of kids were truly blessed.
To be honest, I was blessed as well by VBS. That week gave me, and my friends, an opportunity to see the gunk that coats my heart. Maybe with their help I can scrape some of that off and instead saturate it with something more pure.
This is me recording an interview for the culture segment of the Boundless podcast. I'm the producer, David Salkeld, and in the background you see Lisa Anderson talking via phone with Dr. Stephen Meyer. If you're not currently getting the Boundless podcast, subscribe!
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