How Young is Too Young?
by Candice Watters on 06/08/2009 at 4:57 PM
Ever wonder if you can get married too young? I don't mean when you're 16, or 12, or anything weird like that. I'm talking about youthful, early 20s marriages. In today's Q&A for women, I answer a question from a 19-year-old woman who agrees with what Boundless says about not delaying marriage. She's just wondering if delay is OK or even necessary in her case. She writes,
I agree that we should not delay marriage. But I also think it is unhealthy to get married too young. Given the structure of our society, how young is too young? How soon can one be practically expected to get married?
Wanna know what I said? Here's a snippet:
... statistically, marriages entered into by teenagers are more prone to end in divorce. It's not inevitable, but more likely. And anything you can do to make your marriage more divorce-proof is a good thing (especially in our divorce crazy culture). However, while research has demonstrated value in waiting until after the teen years to get married, that same research hasn't shown that the likelihood of marrying well will continue to improve with every year you wait. In fact the opposite is true. ... In the end, delay — even by 19-year-olds — can put wear and tear on your heart the same way it can when you're much older. And young marriage isn't the bane so many try to make it out to be.
You can read the whole thing, including my aside to older never-marrieds who are tempted to think my reasoning is bad news for them, here.
1. BDB said the following at 5:30 PM on Jun 8:
The irony is that some really responsible people delay marriage because they decide on their own they're not ready...
2. DEH said the following at 5:44 PM on Jun 8:
First, I truly appreciated Candice's thoughtful response and how she didn't come right out and say yes or no to getting married young. Many people have knee-jerk responses to teens who want to get married.
My take on the issue is that it really depends on the couple. Some people are ready to take on a life-long commitment at 18 or 19. Many more are not. I got married at 19 (my husband was also 19). It was right for us, and five years later, we're still going strong because we have taken our commitment to each other very seriously. But I wouldn't recommend everyone or even most people do what we did. It takes a lot of maturity to get married young, and not all or even most teens have that. Better to wait a few years (though not too many!) and prepare yourself better for being married than to marry young when you're not ready and end up a young divorcee.
As a side note, I have always been curious about the studies that show that teenage marriages are more likely to end in divorce. I wonder if this is a cause or a correlation. Often, people who get married as teens do so for less-than-stellar reasons, whether because of out-of-wedlock pregnancy or a bad home life (not all couples do--my husband and I didn't--but many teens do). In fact, I imagine things like this contribute far more to leading teens to wed than to leading twenty-somethings into marriage, percentage-wise. Isn't it possible that these other things do more to hurt young marrieds than the fact that they're young? I've just always been curious about the peripheral issues that these studies may not pick up on.
One last thing: I do think that it's important not to simply spout statistics at young engaged people about how their marriage is destined to fail (been there, done that), and instead support them and teach them how to be good marriage partners. That support and mentoring can go a long way to making any marriage more successful, whatever the age of the participants may be.
God bless!
3. Amir Larijani said the following at 5:50 PM on Jun 8:
Research can provide a basis for the general, but cannot speak to the particular.
I know couples who married in their teens; a friend of mine, at age 18, married his 15-year-old fiancee. They've been fine after 14 years of marriage.
Both approached it with the pressures and expectations of everyone around them. The pastor, in an unguarded moment, suggested that they were marrying too early. The groom had some baggage from one prior relationship.
But they both approached this as Christians who wanted better than they had as children. Even at 15, the bride was more of a "grownup" than many 25-year-olds. Raised in the projects in downtown Louisville, she had seen the disaster from her mother's relationships, and her sister's drug use.
They were the only couple married by the pastor--during his first five years as a pastor at that church--who did not eventually divorce.
As long as both bride and groom are (a) of sufficient maturity, and (b) are counseled about the importance of the marriage covenant, the magnitude of the roles to which they are aspiring, and some of the ways in which that will flesh out, I don't see a problem with early marriage.
I'd like to know how much that "research" applies to couples who marry early and (a) are Christians, (b) attend church regularly, and (c) pray together.
Any two of those factors would probably impact the "research" substantially.
4. DannieA said the following at 6:30 PM on Jun 8:
While I don't think there's a magical age to get married, there are some things that may make it *easier* in the long run (not that marriage isn't work or hard or great!)
My parents were married at 19 and 20. They are still married, and almost to 35 years of marriage. That being said, if I would have wanted to get married at that age, they would have really advised against it? why? they both dropped out of college to get married and although never a financial mess, it was difficult at times with the limited education they both had for a while. (now my mom has an AA and works...dad tries hard especially during hard economic times with car sales)
If one finds a good man/woman, I say get married, there just *is* something to be said for having at least a technical certificate, A.A., or Bachelors.
My 2 cents based on my parent's life and mine.
5. Andrew said the following at 7:12 PM on Jun 8:
The longer you wait the more you'll notice all the good ones are already scooped up.
6. Amelia said the following at 7:17 PM on Jun 8:
Wow! The asker of this question could have been me 3 years ago! As an 18 year old in a great relationship with a Godly guy, I spent a lot of time wondering if I was too young to get married. I had moved away to go to uni, and we spent hours on the phone every night. He was very keen to get married, and soon! I just wasn't sure, and my doubts led me to consider breaking up with him. Similar situation or what?!
After much thought and prayer, research about what marriage entails, and some pre-marriage counselling, I realised that we were marriage-ready in every respect, and it was only my chronological age giving me doubts. This just wasn't a good enough reason to delay marriage any further!
We were married when we both 19 (though he was 2 weeks from 20). That was 2 years ago, and things are good! He moved to be with me, so that I could keep working on my degree. I'm still working on it!
Candice, I think your advice is spot on. I think they should definitely take some time to really think through whether they are ready for marriage, and get as much advice (from respectable, Godly, trustworthy sources) as they can! They should pray about it, and think some more. But think in terms of maturity and understanding of the biblical picture and practicalities of marriage, not age! If there are no red flags, then there's no cause for delay.
7. Julie said the following at 7:23 PM on Jun 8:
I would want to see those stats about the divorce rate and age of marriage. Neil Clark Warren has said that those who marry at 24-25 have a lower divorce rate than those who marry at 21-22. And that the rates fall considerably for those who marry in their late twenties. I'm not saying those studies are more valid--but the one you cited seems to come to a very different conclusion.
I think it's great to marry young IF you are a mature person ready to make such a huge commitment. We are the first generation to have experienced divorce in such high numbers. Many of us have not seen a healthy marriage model, and it seems to take a while for us to develop the discernment it takes to make a really wise decision in a spouse. Yes, there are disadvantages to delayed marriage. But if the result is a better choices, and one that will truly go the distance, perhaps it's a fair tradeoff, particularly for those of us doing our best to break negative family patterns.
8. Julie said the following at 7:26 PM on Jun 8:
See http://www.divorcerate.org/
9. the most frequent Kate said the following at 7:30 PM on Jun 8:
If she were to get married at 19, I'm sure she'd receive a lot of annoying commentary! I know I did at 22, which I don't think is that young at all considering I had already finished a college degree and I'd known my now-husband for many years! Yet I still found myself having to defend the decision left and right because of how "young" I was. (At least nobody's bothering me about it now!)
I believe had I been more intentional about planning for adulthood and building a relationship that was leading to marriage from a younger age, I could have married a couple years younger. I don't think it was so much my age as it was opportunity to learn and come across these kinds of ideas and make them practice in life. But, in reality in my life I didn't happen to come across such information until I was 21 or so. If I'd gotten married without that maturity and vision, I'm sure it wouldn't have turned out as well as it has now.
I would probably say at 19 it isn't typical for people to have that vision and maturity in our culture, where being a "real adult" probably means more like 25+ typically, rather than the legal 18... but that doesn't say much for individual differences either. So this is probably an impossible question to answer definitively.
(Also the link to the touchstone article in your article didn't work).
10. Nikki Webber said the following at 7:37 PM on Jun 8:
I was engaged at 19 and married at 20. I have to admit that it did help that my husband is six years older. We knew eachother for eight months before the wedding. Although it seems like a quick timeline, one thing that really stuck in my brain from that time was the Boundless Quote "Love is a commitment of the will to the true good of the other person." If both people can really grasp what this means, and are also commited to following Jesus Christ wholeheartedly, I do not think there is any reason to delay marriage.
(Incidentally, we have been married for 18 months, and it has been the most humbling, maturing process that either of us have yet undertaken. Being married young has given us an opportunity to mature and grow together under the Lordship of Christ. I am more in love with my husband today than on the day we married, and I am 100% sure that he's commited to me, too).
(Also incidentally, I know plenty of 30-year-olds who are not ready for marriage. It all comes down to if you're truly ready to lay down your life on the line.)
11. M said the following at 9:43 PM on Jun 8:
Timely article... I'm getting married in twelve days at age 21! We've gotten the "you're too young" speech from some people, but the Christians we are in community with don't share that opinion.
I graduated from college early and am working. I know several people who have gotten married with one or both of them still in school. Their parents chose to continue paying for their education. This does not seem ideal, to be married and still being supported by your parents. But, it's better to marry than to burn, so I think it is acceptable.
12. BDB said the following at 2:16 AM on Jun 9:
Can you post a link to the Dr. Norval Glenn study you cite?
I find it interesting that he chooses age 28 as his cutoff. The statistics I've seen suggest that risk for divorce is highest in the teen years and drops until age 28, where it levels off.
If both studies are valid, it suggests that people marrying after age 28 are both less satisfied and less likely to divorce, which seems odd.
I'm curious to know how he is measuring the "adjusting" from independece, too. Some 28 year olds own their own home, some are still dependent on their parents. Does the study control for these factors?
There is anecdotal evidence that between the ages of 18 to 28, people may develop a romantacized view of marriage that does not reflect the day-to-day operational reality. Comparing cleaning up a child's vomit to taking a cruise with "the girls" might indeed result in a lower satisfaction initially.
Unless, of course, ones cruising experience also includes vomit, due to seasickness, alcohol, or a combination thereof.
I suspect that those individuals who never developed an interest in the single party scene are those who report higher marital satisfaction simply because they don't miss that party scene. I've unfortunately seen a few young marriages break up and the ex spouses immediately want to get back to dating and partying with their single friends. I suspect, but cannot prove, that those who never were drawn to partying see no social advantage to delaying marriage. Another way of phrasing it is that there's no incentive to hold onto one's social "freedom" for someone who just goes to church and spends time with their family. Their lifestyle does not require "freedom" from marriage.
13. Loris said the following at 5:28 AM on Jun 9:
I got married at 20 and my husband had just turned 19. Money was tight and we fought a lot our first year, but I'm very happy we had the chance to mature together.
14. Michelle (in the UK) said the following at 7:58 AM on Jun 9:
Thanks Candice for writing this article. I don't know that we can say there is a perfect age to get married.
I look at some people who get married relatively young and they have long happy marriages and then I see those who get married late in life with the same.
I wonder if there are more factors: How someone was raised? Their view of God and of Marriage? The examples of relationships that were around them growing up and as they got older? What their motivation is to get married? These contributing factors can make a huge difference, no matter what the age is, to how well the marriage works.
I think that if we look at marriages with a biblical perspective, take Ephesians 5:21-32 for an example combined with a healthy motivation to get married and an even healthier commitment to stay married...then you're going to have the better chance of getting married and staying married.
I remember someone on this quoting Will Smith and how he and his wife said that they took divorce out of the equation...(and yes I know he was married once before...this is not the point)...then that's a great statement to make before you even say 'I do.'
I'm 26, single and living far from home where I don't have my parents and family to support me in this journey to marriage. Thankfully I'm part of an amazing church and have a group of incredible friends both single and married, all of praying and cheering each other on in whatever stage we're in.
Why did I say that? Because if we have this: a commitment to God, to His Church, a praying and supportive set of family and friends, no matter what age we get married...well, the world is not perfect, but it seems like we can increase the chances of a good marriage!
15. obewan said the following at 8:14 AM on Jun 9:
It seems to me that marriage before college graduation is too young - assuming they are headed to college.
I suppose if they are in a vocational career then completion of an apprenticeship or something would be good. There at least should be a good steady job with enough income.
As for the delay stuff, I will agree that it gets harder for older people to commit. If you think it is hard for a 30-something to commit, wait till you hear from the 40-somethings.
I have become very selfish with how I spend my time for starters. Then there are my eating habits. I am friends with women who have completely different tastes than me. We do not agree on food. I suppose for two, we could just cook two entrees, but for a family it would be hard to decide who gets to eat what.
Then there are the lonely single women with pets. I have some serious allergies, and the pets would have to go. I hate to even ask, so I don’t even start relationships with those women – it is a convenient excuse I suppose.
16. Kellie said the following at 8:46 AM on Jun 9:
I think it's important to note that for many of us (especially those who seem to frequent Boundless), this isn't really a question. If you're not dating someone when you're 19 you don't need to consider if you should get married. I didn't meet my husband until I was 23 and he was 28 and delaying our marriage was never an issue. I do think secular society encourages longer dating periods, but they also encourage pre-marital sex (and that is one reason Christians marry sooner :-) ). Interestingly enough, my friends who married young (20, 22, etc.) haven't had kids yet, where all the couples I know who have married in mid-late twenties or beyond all have children or are expecting them.
17. Elisabeth K said the following at 9:15 AM on Jun 9:
The only experience I've had with people marrying young is my one friend. She got married right after she graduated from high school...I didn't think that it was a good idea and I voiced my opinion in a gentle way. It didn't work out in spite of the fact that they were both professing Christians and they just finalized their divorce this past January. It breaks my heart, but it was a Biblical reason for divorce and I think it was the right choice. However, I know she wasn't mature enough to get married when she did!
And to echo some other posts its always good to get marital advice and counseling no matter what your age before getting married. It can help a lot.
18. Rachael said the following at 9:24 AM on Jun 9:
re: Divorce rates
I don't think Christian should even see 'age' alone playing a part in that with regard to their own marriages.
Sure they can think about 'age' as a factor in a decision to marry, but not age or the effect of it to divorce.
19. Tami said the following at 9:27 AM on Jun 9:
I think a lot of the people commenting here who married/are marrying young are a bit of a self-selected group. :) If you're reading Boundless' material, you are indeed more likely to have the attitude (and information) that will help you have a successful young marriage. And that's a very good thing! As others have posted, it has *less* to do with age, and *more* to do with preparation and willingness to commit. (I also think it has to do with having a realistic view about what marriage *is*.)
But, on the other side of things, I think a lot of the *older, unmarried* people who post here are outliers as well - that is, *not* the type to place partying/"freedom" as a priority over marriage and family. I certainly did not intentionally delay marriage. Perhaps God has other things I need to learn before I get married, but I don't think it has to do with some intentional desire on my part to stay a perpetual teenager, or a fear of losing my "freedom" (I've always been more like what BDB describes in post 12). Just sayin'. :)
20. Keith said the following at 10:43 AM on Jun 9:
I think some people misunderstand the Boundless message !
Boundless ISN'T telling people they have to marry young; and obviously some people never have the opportunity to marry young.
What Boundless IS SAYING is don't delay marriage for non-Godly reasons. Whether we are in our twenties or our forties, we shouldn't delay marriage, or any responsibility that God gives us.
21. Jo said the following at 11:01 AM on Jun 9:
Re: teenage versus early twenties...
I can't imagine there's a massive difference between 19 and 20, really (which is the situation in the BA column), I think there's a bigger difference between say 20 and 23 - but that's just from my experience, and I agree that it's an individual thing. My cousin is getting married in August - she's 19. My brother's reaction (not to her face) was basically "What an idiot", which really annoyed me. I know I wouldn't want someone at my wedding who felt that way. I don't see her enough to judge her maturity and readiness, but I'm very sure that her family would have been advising her wisely.
I know for myself that I went through a definite shift from 'wanting a boyfriend' to 'wanting a husband'. And all the things that come with that: changing priorities, noticing different things about the guys I was interested in. That's when I figured I was 'ready' to start the journey towards marriage. Hasn't happened yet, but I reckon I'm getting readier all the time...
22. Michela said the following at 11:29 AM on Jun 9:
I agree with a lot of comments- that basically there is no "right" age, and that the marriage timeline is different for everyone.
I had imagined I would get married at an earlier age. I hoped to get married when I graduated from H.S., but that didn't happen! Then, I hoped to find a spouse at college (I wasn't just going for my Mrs. degree, but it was definitely at the back of my mind...). When that didn't happen, I found myself starting a career with no prospects in sight. I realized then that I just wasn't ready for marriage before that. I was too dreamy-eyed about all of life's possibilities, and not ready to fully commit my life to someone else.
Since then, God has dramatically changed my life's direction and I am now engaged to be married in a few short weeks. I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God's timing is perfect. Somehow, even with all my failings and frustrations, He managed to intertwine my life with an amazing young man and prepare my heart for that ultimate commitment. Now, I feel ready.
23. Megan said the following at 11:29 AM on Jun 9:
I liked Candice's article, and I like how Boundless staff will answer hard-pressing questions like this.
I have a hard time swallowing the pill that is statistical data. I was a Mathematics major, and statistics is so ... untrustworthy. It deals with trends, almost like trying to determine the future.
I was listening to AFR today and on one "talk" show, they were talking about a survey that Mathematica (funded by Planned Parenthood) conducted to yield statistical results about Abstinence Education. The survey was from middle and high schoolers, and the first question was as follows:
How many sexual partners have you had?:
a)1
b)2
c)3
d)4 or more
So the question itself was flawed ... meaning that those who had no sexual partners couldn't answer the question. You throw out the surveys that are incomplete. Are you following me?
Obviously, not all statistical data is/are flawed but it doesn't speak of the individual. The problem I have with the study that Candice referenced is that we don't know how these findings REALLY came about, and it doesn't seem like they take in to account someone's relationship with Christ.
I have more of an issue with the flipside of this article, being someone who is older. I am 24, single, and was saved at 22. So if I don't get married until I'm 30 (prayerfully this won't be the case), is that really bad? What if I marry someone who is 10 years older than me? Will that be a problem as well? No, as long as I'm walking with Christ and seeking His will. Where are the stats on that?
Obewan (#15)-
"Then there are my eating habits. I am friends with women who have completely different tastes than me. We do not agree on food. I suppose for two, we could just cook two entrees, but for a family it would be hard to decide who gets to eat what."
Yikes. If you can't sacrifice in the types of food choices you're making, and a possible future wife couldn't either, then I'd say you're really not ready for marriage. I don't want to be snarky, but that's a little immature.
24. DannieA said the following at 11:55 AM on Jun 9:
Obewan (15)
You know there are hypoallergenic dogs right? You could probably date women that have certain breeds.
That being said, as a single woman with a dog (that is not hypoallergenicc) thank you for not leading a person on. I was raised with thre trains of thought! Dogs,spouses, and children are forever.
25. Hello_there said the following at 11:58 AM on Jun 9:
Amir in #3 mentioned that his friend of 18 married his 15-year-old fiancee.
Isn't that statutory rape in most states?
Anyway, it's great this particular couple is going strong after so many years. For most couples, however, this would be way too young.
26. Amber said the following at 12:16 PM on Jun 9:
I was married at barely 20. I also have several friends and sisters who were married between the ages of 18-20. We all have strong marriages years later. That being said, we all married men who are 3-5 years older than we are. I think that can make a difference, compared to marrying someone who is 20 as well. But, it really depends on the people and the situation. My best friend married while still in college and they were poor, young students together. It was hard, but they are closer to God and each other because of it. I think it also depends on maturity. And if the relationship is one that is grounded in God, knowing that He will be the only thing to satisfy us and not depending on your future spouse to do so.
We were fairly mature for our ages, most of us had been working, taking care of responsibilities, etc. like adults for quite some time. We hadn't just graduated from years of hanging out and going to parties all highschool. But, I've definitely grown up a lot since I was married and I think much of that was due to the responsibilities of marriage. My husband has too--it's been exciting to grow together. I really think it all comes down to wisdom in your situation. I felt that God was calling me to marriage, and that the man I was dating was the guy I was supposed to marry. I was willing to take a step of faith and trust God. My husband loved the Lord, loved me, could provide for me and was a good spiritual leader. I knew that together we would grow.
My observation has been that there are some who need to grow up so they can get married and there are some who need to get married so they can grow up. It's important to know which category you are. Seeking counsel from wise people around you will help determine that.
27. BDB said the following at 12:25 PM on Jun 9:
Megan (#23) - do you have a link to that article?
I've had people hammer me about how abstinance education "doesn't work." I'd love to have a way to indict the study.
28. BDB said the following at 12:43 PM on Jun 9:
For the record, I had eggs with SPINACH in them this weekend.
I was a guest.
29. Ashley Harris said the following at 12:46 PM on Jun 9:
Eggs with spinach sounds so good right now. I'm eating tomato soup and a peanut butter sandwich.
30. DEH said the following at 12:56 PM on Jun 9:
Amber (26) said:
"My observation has been that there are some who need to grow up so they can get married and there are some who need to get married so they can grow up."
So true. I think my marriage has been the greatest catalyst in my life thus far for true personal growth and character building. I can only imagine what having children will be like.
31. Megan said the following at 12:58 PM on Jun 9:
#27 -
I've done a little "researching", looking for the types of questions on this Mathematica survey, but I can't find any right now.
Here's a link to the show I listened to on AFR:
http://www.afr.net/index.php?option=com_sermonspeaker&task=singlesermon&id=11599&Itemid=0
What I referenced in my comment can be heard near the end of the first hour I do believe. Lakita Garth was the guest.
While doing a little "researching", I found this from Abstinence Clearinghouse on the Mathematica study:
http://www.abstinence.net/library/index.php?entryid=3131
Here's the study itself:
http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/cgi-bin/fulltext/117934920/PDFSTART
Maybe this will be helpful.
32. Tami said the following at 1:13 PM on Jun 9:
Eggs with spinach... sounds good and healthy to me, too!
As does tomato soup and a peanut butter sandwich.
I'm pretty flexible about food. So long as it doesn't involve something I can't eat (due to allergy)... I'm there. Pretty much. The stuff I don't really care for... well, I'd have to be married to Anthony Bourdain or Andrew Zimmern to worry about making much compromise there :P
33. obewan said the following at 2:12 PM on Jun 9:
#23. Megan said the following at 11:29 AM on Jun 9
Obewan (#15)-
"Then there are my eating habits. I am friends with women who have completely different tastes than me. We do not agree on food. I suppose for two, we could just cook two entrees, but for a family it would be hard to decide who gets to eat what."
Yikes. If you can't sacrifice in the types of food choices you're making, and a possible future wife couldn't either, then I'd say you're really not ready for marriage. I don't want to be snarky, but that's a little immature. "
-------------------------------
I never said I could never give up my favorite foods. I just meant to point out that it is a consideration.
The woman I am thinking of is hardheaded and unbending on foods. I am the one that is flexible. Except for her scalloped corn. She raves about it and forces it on me at every potluck. I cannot stand it because it is gross and slimy (unlike my mom's it has a Jell-O like substance in it). I don't have the heart to tell her that I don't care for it, but she for sure will tell me she hates my stir-fry, when the rest of the singles group raves about it.
Then too, I have my diet considerations to worry about. I am on portion control, and some of the women I know are bloated as a result of bad eating habits. I suppose I can still diet if married to them, but it is easier to be set in my ways in my old age. I don't see it as a maturity issue though.
Even if I married someone with drastically different taste, it would not matter. I have been cooking for myself my entire life, and I am sure she would allow me to conjure up my favorites from time to time as long as I offered her the same courtesy. I mean, it might just mean Tabasco and jalapenos in my chili and none in hers. LOL
34. BDB said the following at 2:23 PM on Jun 9:
Right after my grandparents got married, my grandmother asked my grandfather how many pancakes he wanted. He said 21. She said, "Are you sure you want that many?" He said yes, he always ate that many.
Well, it turns out that his mother made pancakes about 3 inches in diameter, and grandma learned to make them to cover the whole plate. She made 21, he got through about three and had to apologize.
Some time ago my grandfather was commenting how on an overseas cruise some Americans were insisting on Cherios for breakfast. He thought they were really missing out on the travel experience by demanding that their food be the same anywhere.
Sometimes the problem is in the preparation. I thought I hated certain vegetables. Then I had them prepared in a Wok pot, where they were essentially steamed. They tasted good this way. I learned that I dislike STEWED vegetables, and like steamed vegetables.
That said, I'll probably never make eggs with spinach on my own if I'm cooking.
I don't eat cavíar either. I know where it comes from. Where I come from, we call fish eggs "bait."
35. Steven M said the following at 3:15 PM on Jun 9:
A good rule of thumb is if one spouse would have to drop the other one off at highschool in the morning, then they're too young.
36. Amir Larijani said the following at 5:31 PM on Jun 9:
Hello_there asks:
For the state involved, there was parental consent. Both sets of parents were cool with it.
37. Keith said the following at 7:46 PM on Jun 9:
Steve M,
What if they didn't have to drop the other off at school because they already worked there???
Well when I in high school, a romantic interest developed between a 16 year old student and his 25 year old teacher. To avoid a conflict of interest, she resigned and left the school - And as soon as she did, they started a full blown relationship. On his 18th birthday, they married, and have had a happy relationship ever since.....
38. Leah said the following at 1:42 AM on Jun 10:
DEH - as a young woman who got married at 20, I think I'd say the divorce rate among those who get married in their teens is probably a causation thing, rather than correlation. (Although it may also be a correlation thing). It's absolutely true that people can get married in their teens and make it last (I know people who, 30 years later, are still going) but when I look at most teenagers I know, they are going to change dramatically as people over the next 5 years. Not just in personality (even a 25 year old can change dramatically over 5 years) but in maturity and just their understanding of themselves, their partner, the world, etc. I think at that age most people are still developing themselves. This of course is not necessarily damaging to a marriage- I'm still 'developing' myself- but I think for a lot of people at that age, they put more emphasis on that than on developing the relationship with their partner. Then they get to 25 and realise they are two completely different people compared to when they got married, and so get divorced.
Of course this shouldn't happen among Christians. One would hope they'd put more dedication and emphasis on their marriage.
Also, coming of DannieA's comment: age and qualifications etc often work out differently. I had completed a 3-year bachelor's degree by the time I turned 20 and got married. In my state you graduate highschool the year you turn 17, and seeing as my b'day is in December, I was still 19 when I finished uni. My husband, a year older, had finished his 3-year degree a year before me, so had been working for a year before we got married. Sometimes people prefer just a year-long diploma, or might be a tradesperson nearing the end of their apprenticeship- indeed, I know several people who got married and stayed in university (both partners). There are many ways you can get decent qualifications (and therefore, jobs) while still getting married young :)
39. Gail said the following at 6:23 AM on Jun 10:
Obewan (#15):
"It seems to me that marriage before college graduation is too young - assuming they are headed to college."
I'd have to disagree with that, as someone who married the summer before their last year of college. I definitely got a lot of negative comments from people about it at the time, and even now (5 years later) many people think it's really odd when it comes up in conversation.
Bizarrely, my husband (who was mid-way through his PhD) and I were actually better off financially that first year married than single as a result of the weird UK student fees/loans system! (Not that I'm suggesting finances as a reason to get married, just that getting married as a student isn't necessarily a bad thing.)
The biggest advantage for us of getting married then was that we were still able to live in college accommodation (a nice little 1-bed flat) and had the support of our church and our friends nearby, which wouldn't have been the case if we'd waited a year until I'd finished college, as we moved a couple of hours away.
We certainly wouldn't have wanted to wait another 3 years until my husband finished his PhD - although the time he took was because he also worked part time for the last 2 years.
Your mileage may vary, but our first year of marriage as students was a really great experience, and I wouldn't have changed it for anything.
40. Louise from Chicago said the following at 7:46 AM on Jun 10:
Comment 37, sounds like Newt Gingrich and his first wife Jackie Battley.
Comment 36, may I ask which state?
The fifteen year old is the only one, I think, who would have needed parental consent.
And as for this fifteen year old in question, you stated that she was more mature than many twenty-five year olds.
I for one do not believe that is possible.
41. Allison said the following at 8:40 AM on Jun 10:
I am encouraged to hear from so many who have married young. I too, am another such young wife.
I know that not everyone should marry young, but I just appreciate that the folks at boundless don't act like I'm crazy because I did.
I am 21 and my husband and I just had our 2nd anniversary yesterday. Thus far, we have had a great relationship. It's not that there's never been hard times (I mean hey, we have a 4-month old!), but we received so much godly counsel before our marriage, that I feel we were in a good place to start out with. I don't say that out of pride at all. We learned so much ABOUT marriage before we ENTERED marriage, that I think we were better prepared than we would have been left on our own.
It also helped that my husband was out of college already with a steady job and I was about half-way through.
42. NeedACatchyName said the following at 9:35 AM on Jun 10:
In reference to the food thing...
A lot of it depends a little on the culture of where you live. For example, in the deep south (where I live), it's considered downright insulting to say that you dislike someone's cooking. It doesn't matter if the only reason that you disliked the dish was that it contained broccoli, which you think is the most vile substance on Earth, if you didn't eat it, you insulted the cook. I'm not sure if other areas of the country/world are like that, but in the south, you better eat what's in front of you, and unless you're allergic to it, there really are no exceptions to this rule. So for some of us (like myself) who are picky eaters, this means that you just have to develop the ability to eat something even when you think it's really, really bad. It's not always easy, but I find that it helps to eat things that you wouldn't otherwise consider eating while at home so that you can acquire some new tastes.
Oh, and I'm with you on the whole portion control being difficult thing. I've focused on that a lot in the past year or so, and I've gotten to the point where I can't stand that "uncomfortably full" feeling you get from eat too much, so I prefer to limit my portions to what I think is reasonable. Unfortunately, in the south we seem to have this cultural rule that if you *really* liked a food then you would get up and get seconds (and thirds, and fourths) of it*. So if you don't do so, the cook starts to wonder why you didn't like what you were eating, and then you start to come full circle to that whole "if you didn't like the food, then the cook takes it as a personal insult" problem.
Don't get me wrong, overall, I like living in the south, but I really wish that the culture were a little less obsessed about taking food issues so personally.
* And this is probably the biggest reason that southern states always rank the highest on those "most obese states" surveys.
43. obewan said the following at 11:15 AM on Jun 10:
#42. NeedACatchyName said the following at 9:35 AM on Jun 10
"In reference to the food thing...
A lot of it depends a little on the culture of where you live. For example, in the deep south (where I live), it's considered downright insulting to say that you dislike someone's cooking."
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Amen to your whole comment. I live in Florida. LOL
When we have a singles potluck with 30 people we have enough food for 100, AFTER eating seconds and thirds.
And, it shows on the waistlines of many of the attendees. I stopped attending, and lost 15 lbs over 6 months using my portion control diet. All I have to do now is figure how to do portion control if I go back to the potlucks.
44. Scott Arnold said the following at 11:33 AM on Jun 10:
I do have to respect Boundless for keeping mindful of the older singles who struggle with "God, I have a legitimate desire that is being redeemed by you; why am I forced to wait"? It's very tough, and as I get older (not that I'm that old yet ><) I could be one of those guys!
45. obewan said the following at 11:49 AM on Jun 10:
#44. Scott Arnold said the following at 11:33 AM on Jun 10
"I do have to respect Boundless for keeping mindful of the older singles who struggle with 'God, I have a legitimate desire that is being redeemed by you; why am I forced to wait'? It's very tough, and as I get older (not that I'm that old yet ><) I could be one of those guys!"
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For me, the age 30 transition was the traumatic experience. That is where most "young" singles groups kick people out.
Now that I am "older" it is actually getting easier as the years go by. It helps having contact with dozens of people my own age who are in the same boat. I did not always live in an area with singles groups for over age 30. I feel blessed.
46. Erica said the following at 12:15 PM on Jun 10:
You are too young if both of you are 18 years old and are recent graduate without a steady job. You are too young if at that age you still believe love conquers all. This means your problems with your parents; finances, jobs and not enough education will not affect your lives and your children. You are too young if at that age you are excited to marry your boyfriend/girlfriend (as a Christian) for a chance to start having sex. In real life you have to deal with more things than sex like the electricity bills, water bill, taxes and telephone bills, furniture.
As you get older you will be able to reason through problems much better. At 15, I believe the whole world is against me. At 18 I recognized that there is some wisdom in what I was being told by my parents, teachers, church brethren. At 21 I recognized, the easiest to succeed is to learn from your own mistakes and even more wiser to learn from other mistake. I change a lot too. Those guys and girls I thinks were cool at 15 and 16 years old at 21 I recognized it is best to keep them out of my life. They were mischief-makers and two of the girls were having premarital sex. These were persons I know from before I was 12 years old. It was then I stopped hang out permanently with them.
At 18 years you might believe I don’t need a college education because I want to be a stay at home mom. Education is never a waste as what Dr James Dobson always said. At 18 years you parents are prepared to pay for your education and all you have to do is study. After marrying at 18, at 27 when you now have children you might regret never going to college. Now you have to pay for it out of your pocket, look after your children and household expense. Also, spending your life regretting your missed opportunities.
The Young lady in the letter should get counsel from her parents and minister before going ahead with the marriage.
47. Hannah C. said the following at 1:00 PM on Jun 10:
I'm twenty and engaged to someone eight months younger than me. We don't have a wedding date yet, but at the earliest it would be eleven months from now.
Our engagement was the product of at least a year of him talking with his parents and us talking about it (and one conversation of the both of us with his parents) before they were convinced he was mature enough to ask me. And we have to finish premarital counseling before we set a date.
My parents married at 19 and almost 21, are still married over twenty years later, and are much more easygoing about the whole thing! My mom also thinks my fiance is much more mature at 19 than my dad was at 21. My mom's parents married when my grandmother was 18..and they were married 59 years, until she passed away last September.
On the "flip side," there are a couple of people I knew in high school who are now married/engaged, and of the ones I know of all came about because of a pregnancy. Of course, nothing is to say that they won't last forever, either.
48. DEH said the following at 5:30 PM on Jun 10:
I don't think getting married before finishing college is a bad thing in and of itself. It has certain positives and negatives.
For example, compared to dorm life, married life is much more of a balancing act. You have to find time to shop for and cook your own food. You need to find time to bond with your spouse. It's often easy to get distracted, and often I felt like I just wanted to get on with life and buy a house and have kids, not go to class and do homework. It's often hard to manage this balancing act, and my husband and I took longer than four years to finish because of it.
Overall, though, I think there are numerous positives. First, it's cheaper in more than one way. Compared to living in a dorm, sharing an apartment with your spouse saves a lot of money. (At my school, the only students who could live outside of the dorms were those who still lived at home, those over 21, and married students. I got married at 19.) Not only that, though, but most young students get far more financial aid as independent marrieds than as singles whose financial status is determined by their parents' income and assets. This is the only reason my husband was able to finish school. If we had not gotten married, he would have had to drop out because of finances. Fair or not, this is the way it is in the U.S.
Another thing is the support. Having a partner to push me along was immensely valuable to me. It's like with exercising or dieting: there's strength in numbers.
In my experience, which will certainly not mirror everyone's, my married college years (all four of them, lol) were much easier overall than my first year was when we were still dating.
49. Leah said the following at 6:26 PM on Jun 10:
Erica (46) - your scenario you gave is just one possible one. I wouldn't go out of my way to encourage 18 year olds to get married, but many of the assumptions you made are not necessarily right.
When I turned 18 I had already completed the first year of my bachelor's degree. I really only wanted to be a mother but knew that wasn't going to be for several years, so what was I going to do in the interim? So your whole "at 18 you might believe you don't need a college education coz you just want to be a mother then you get to 27 and have kids without a degree and realise you have to pay for it yourself and regret missed opportunities" is void. Not to mention, what do you mean "missed opportunities"? If someone gets married at 18 or 19, what is to stop them going to college then? And even if they don't, so what? Since when did a college education become the be all and end all? A lot of tradespeople these days earn a lot more than professionals. A lot of jobs just require a diploma, and many don't require a qualification at all and provide on-the-job training. And how does marrying young make you "miss opportunities"? I was engaged at 19, married at 20... please, do tell me which opportunities I've passed up. I have a degree, I've travelled more than most people my age that I know (regardless of marriage status).
The people I thought were 'cool' at 15 and 16 were my friends, and are still my friends 6 years later. At 15, I had already gotten past the "the whole world is against me" mentality.
Your scenario was full of assumptions and generalisations that are often not true.
50. Amelia said the following at 7:24 PM on Jun 10:
Erica (#46): You seem to present education and marriage as an either/or situation. I disagree. What's to stop this 27 year-old who regrets not having a degree from getting one? Not much. There's plenty of options - part-time, night classes, distance education, online courses.
I'm not a fan of the 'missed opportunities' mentality!
51. The G said the following at 9:42 PM on Jun 10:
A dude out there's on to something.
... it's like he's read Candice's articles! :)
52. Erica said the following at 8:50 AM on Jun 11:
Amelia, after being married and with a child and realised how my time was taken up in caring for my family. I realised my mother was right, I couldn't study the way I did when I was single without a family. Somepersons can do it. I'm not alone when I speak to my friends who are wives and mothers and they told how many times they spent looking after children. We came to the same conclusion. Being from a humble background a college education enable me to earn a better salary than my siblings who have not attended one. My mother always complimented me on the kind of live my son live.
Trade is good but it does not guaranteed that you get the same amount of money every week or month. This month is a good month you might earn 30,000 dollars next month you might earn 10,000.
53. BDB said the following at 11:03 AM on Jun 11:
There's anoter level to consider: finishing the undergraduate degree before marriage, and going to graduate school while a mom. I know one woman who did this - going to law school after her kids were old enough to be in school. She's now an attorney, here kids are grown and functioning successfully.
54. Tami said the following at 11:54 AM on Jun 11:
Regarding graduate school -- There are a TON of young moms and expectant moms in my program. Probably in part due to the nature of the work, and part due to the flexible nature of the school's program itself.
Because I like to pretend to some degree of privacy here, please don't ask what the program is. :) Suffice it to say there are certain graduate programs that seem to "naturally" appeal to women, especially moms or want-to-be-moms.
And it's interesting, because I've *always* wanted to do graduate work, but previously I pictured myself in a Creative Writing (MFA) or History (MA/PhD) program. What I'm doing now is more "practical," yet I use all my skills, and I can make the program as intellectually challenging as I want it to be. And yet, when I end up with the degree, I'll be well suited to a cool, interesting job that has flexible hours, in a field that's friendly to children.
55. Julie said the following at 12:22 PM on Jun 12:
Candice, you and Steve have shared a lot about your relationship and marriage. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that the quality of your relationship had a lot to do with being a bit older. You were both mature, you had a clear sense of your vision and the kind of ministry God was calling you to. The struggles Steve shared about settling down with one woman probably would have just been worse for him at a younger age. I could be wrong, but I'm wondering if you are overlooking how your older ages and maturity helped your relationship happen and contributed to its quality? Would your wonderful relationship have happened at 18 or even 22?
56. BDB said the following at 2:42 PM on Jun 12:
I actually know a lot more moms who did the graduate-school thing, not many in the MBA program though. Tami is right, there are mom-friendly fields.
Many of them are also volunteer-friendly. Nursing, for example, involves hospitals, that often have volunteers. (The lawyer-mom mentioned above also does pet therapy - taking her dog to visit children in the hospital.) If you volunteer somewhere, it can make it easier to get a job there after one's children are in school.
Teaching is like that, too. There are a LOT of certificated teachers who volunteer in my church's Sunday School. Their classroom management skills are superior to mine. But teaching children is clearly their gifting, and volunteering first helps build confidence when they become professional teachers later. There's also opportunities to work part-time in lots of school settings.
But frankly, you can do it in accounting, too. There's lots of women in accounting and bookkeeping. Again, it can be done part-time while a mom and move back to full-time after the kids are gone.
57. Kendra said the following at 6:15 PM on Jun 12:
I'm getting married next month at age 21 (my fiance is 22). I've received loads of annoying comments from others about our being too young. The biggest thing I hear from others is their concern that we're not "financially secure". I don't really know what financially secure looks like in this economy, but we both have consistent jobs and above all else we have God who provides! I'm so glad to be tying the knot soon, we are ready!
58. BDB said the following at 7:02 PM on Jun 12:
Because of comments like Kendra (#57) and Leah last year, I try to be encouraging to the young engaged folks - particularly if I think they are reasonably mature enough.
(I don't expect them to know the details of how to buy a house yet, for example.)
Sometimes the immaturity is apparent, and I might confine my enthusiasm to, "When are you starting pre-marital counseling?" which my church requires. If their "plan" is to elope to Vegas, then my enthusiastic support will be a lot more tempered.
Even just in my volunteer experience, I've seen 20-year olds that keep their commitments 100% of the time, and 50-somethings who can't seem to remember and are full of excuses about why they forgot to show up.
Knowing that folks like Kendra don't get a lot of support, I definitely try to help compensate. Especially if they've clearly thought through the marriage (not just the wedding decorations.)
As for "financially stable," I remember the Far Side cartoon that had a female insect introducing a caterpiller to her parents, the caption reading,
"Listen, we may be young, but we're in love and we're getting married - I'll just work until Jerry pupates."