How to Meet Someone
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 06/22/2009 at 5:00 PM
Today Candice answered a question that I believe meets singles right where they're at. That question, in essence, is: How and where can I meet a potential mate?
Candice points out the importance of a network—friends and family members who can make the introductions. According to research by The Marriage Project, Candice writes, most people meet their spouses through introductions by a family member or close friend.
In the end, it's not so much "where you go" to find a mate, but who you know and what they know about you.
I like Candice's advice. I also believe this goes beyond simply meeting people who will introduce you to potential mates. My investment in my Christian community affected my relationship with my now-fiancé, Kevin, in a slightly different way.
We met on our own—a chance meeting at Starbucks. But because we attended the same church, he heard good reports from those in the church who knew me and saw how I was serving. Months before we began dating, seeds were planted in Kevin's mind about my character by people who knew me. A few of them even encouraged him specifically to consider a relationship with me. Though he didn't have romance on his mind at the time, when he decided to start a Bible study for twenty-somethings, I was a likely choice for co-leader. And that connection led to our relationship.
As Candice points out, a healthy investment in mentor relationships can hold multiple benefits.
Ask them to pray with and for you about your desire for marriage. They might surprise you by the introductions they can arrange. And even if they don't know any eligible bachelors right now, their discipleship will benefit your spiritual maturity. Further, they may be able to give candid advice about other improvement you can work on to make yourself more marriable.
Another fantastic blessing of cultivating this level of community is that when you do find yourself in a relationship, you have instant support, accountability and encouragement as you walk through courtship, engagement and into marriage. Our community was thrilled when Kevin and I got engaged, because they knew us both and approved wholeheartedly of the match. Candice's win-win advice produces positive benefits that extend beyond introductions.
1. Ashley said the following at 7:40 PM on Jun 22:
Congrats on your engagement! God bless!
It's great to have mentors praying with you for a spouse. I had a few older Christian women disciplining me and teaching me about Biblical womanhood and preparing me to become a wife before I even met my husband.
He moved to town and visited our Sunday school and eventually planted himself in our Bible study though he joined a different church. It didn't take long for my mentors to realize that God intended us to be married. It was so great to be supported and encouraged and affirmed by my church family to help bring us together. Before he moved to town, there were no prospects in sight! God is gracious and He provides when the time is right, sometimes in ways and places we wouldn't think.
2. Jorden said the following at 10:30 PM on Jun 22:
BTW congratz on the engagement!
My girlfriend and I aren't engaged(:P little early to be thinking of that currently), but I thought it was kinda cool how it worked out when we started dating. You see my church has basically 3 tiers of people in my age group: People who come on Wednesday, People who come on Sunday, and then people who come on both.
I am one of the "both" people. But my girlfriend used to only come on Sunday mornings. She is shy enough we never had really met before when we did, but I'm glad about that because we clicked almost immediately. I don't know if it was an accident or not, but we were very intentional...accidentally :P. It was just weird because neither of us planned on dating 100%, but we just kinda got to the point where I knew I had to ask her out, which I did. And she accepted :).
It was kinda funny because like your church family, Suzanne, almost everyone seemed to be "rooting for us". This one girls mom who doesn't even know me that well, I heard, was hoping we would date. I just found that kind of funny. And so far everything has gone great ^^.
3. Leah said the following at 2:00 AM on Jun 23:
In response to the "where" question: anywhere Christians gather! Church, camps, campus groups, bible studies, etc. I know SO many married couples who met their spouses through their university's Christian group. In fact, AFES (the Australian Fellowship of Evangelical Students, the umbrella organisation of scores of evangelical student groups in Australia) is also known as "Australia's Fastest Engagement Service" or "Australia's Fastest End to Singleness"!
4. Charlotte C. said the following at 8:58 AM on Jun 23:
Congratulations on your engagement, Suzanne! :D
5. Kellie said the following at 9:29 AM on Jun 23:
My husband and I were part of a young adults bible study that directly led to four marriages and (so far) four babies. We were the odd couple out, as we did not meet via the bible study or church, but I guess we're the other 40% (we met online, it worked well for us, although not someting I would recommend for everyone).
6. john k. said the following at 10:38 AM on Jun 23:
I thought this was a great article and really highlighted the importance of community and having rels with older ppl who know both you and your potential spouse. The dating scene is wrought with too many expectations and hype often to really know each other personally and in the true contexts of what each of you are really like. Esp in the context of ministry and serving I think you can really learn a lot about one another.
Through the help of my community and older ones who mentored me and my wife, we were able to meet and enter courtship and even handle some difficult times of our courtship together. I'm very thankful for the community of mentors who helped the both of us during that time of our lives and who continue to help us even now.
7. Lady Akofa said the following at 11:58 AM on Jun 23:
Suzanne... congrats to you and Kevin!
Are we talking about 'How' or 'Where' to meet someone?
8. brx said the following at 11:58 AM on Jun 23:
"...and what they know about you."
Yes, you have to let people get to know you - make friends, participate in groups and activities, etc. Funny, I was talking yesterday evening with the woman I'm purposely-dating and apparently, she was interested in dating me for a few months before we actually were - and she was frustrated at the time about that - and yet, from my point of view, I was finding it difficult to get to know her well enough to decide whether I wanted to pursue her.
So, maybe we all should consider whether we present ourselves as open and easily known with integrity in community?
Suzanne,
Your article "Rejoice with Those" which was just published today - I was talking just last night about the importance of a community of friends being involved in significant-other and marriage relationships! I like the way Lauren Winner phrased it too: if we believe according to the Bible, that we are our brother's keeper, then to some extent, we are also responsible for the health and fidelity of the relationships of others. Thanks for your insightful confirmation!
Grace, peace & adventure on The Way!
9. Jeni said the following at 12:59 PM on Jun 23:
Where to meet? Anywhere! From what I've read it's more in the "how" - being approachable and open - than it is in the "where".
Of course I'm still looking for the United States Equivalent of AFES (#3)!
10. Christopher from Albuquerque said the following at 3:04 PM on Jun 23:
Well, of a few days ago, I am now officially in a courtship! :-) I met the woman in question five years ago in the apartment complex in which we both lived. We had each lived in the building for some time before we came to know each other and became friends.
To add to the irony, we didn't enter into a courtship until we had each not only moved out of the building but actually moved to different states (on opposite sides of the U.S., no less)! (Honestly, I was interested in her years ago, when we did still live in the same building, and I expressed my interest to her, but at the time, she was hurting from a previous relationship and not ready to open her heart to me.)
As we moved away, to different states, we intermittently kept in touch, as we dated other people. One of my relationships actually reached the point of engagement, but painfully, we ultimately broke up. Through this tough time, I and my friend kept in touch. She attempted to encourage me, as I felt alternately grieved, hopeful, and numb to any prospect of a future life with anyone.
Almost a week ago now, I decided to just "move on with my life," serving God in whatever way He would have me do, without even thinking of whether marriage could be in the future for me. It's not so much that I had completely ruled out marriage-- I just decided to deliberately set aside thoughts of it and simply live to serve God, regardless of whether or not I ever "found anyone."
Then, a few nights ago, I was chatting with this friend on-line, when she asked me if I would like to talk with her via webcam. I said yes, and when I saw her face, smiling back at me, on my computer screen, I thought about our years of friendship and how precious she was/is to me, and I realized that I could still easily envision her as more than a friend. I told her of these thoughts, and wonder of wonders, she responded positively! I am striving to still remember that God may or may not have marriage in our future... but humanly speaking, I hope to pursue it! What a blessing it is to have one's long-time friend as one's courtship partner! :-)
My point in all of this is to say, don't necessarily completely rule out a future with anyone (as long as the person is a growing Christian, and you enjoy time with him/her)! The person whom you once met and were friends with just may, years later, be your courtship partner, even if you each move to different states in the interim!
11. Natasha said the following at 3:08 PM on Jun 23:
Hi Jeni #9
Well, I'd guess the American equivalent to "Australia's Fastest Engagement Service" is probably the same as the Canadian:
Bridal School (Oops, I mean Bible School) ;)
Or so I've heard...
12. brx said the following at 3:35 PM on Jun 23:
Re: Jeni [#9];
AFES (Aus Fellowship Evangelical Students)
is related to
IFES (International Fellowship Evangelical Students)
which spawned
IVCF (Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship) in the US and Canada. And yep, many college and grad students end up meeting their future spouse through IVCF groups and activities. :)
www.ifesworld.org
www.intervarsity.org
BTW, you don't have to be an enrolled student to get involved with either organization!
Grace, peace & adventure on The Way
13. brachialplexus said the following at 3:36 PM on Jun 23:
Congrats Suzanne on the wonderful news! And thanks for all the articles on your new found perspective.
I read Candice's reply, and I can empathize with the girl who wrote in. I know this is more about the "Where", but in Candice's reply I felt that she questioned the girl's expectations of a Biblical husband. I think, and please correct me if I'm wrong, the girl has a legitimate point when she says that the single men in her church may not be "husband material". My view is that even though a man meets all items on the checklist; loves God, active in His church, able to lead, etc... despite fulfilling all these Biblical husband mandates, it does not automatically mean that he is husband material for you - or does it? What I mean is, a girl who has her path set out before her, and kinda knows where God is leading her could have several of these godly men in her church, but none of them going in the same direction - and that could rule out the whole bunch right?
14. Jeni said the following at 3:57 PM on Jun 23:
Ah! Thank you Natasha and brx. Until I read your comments, it didn't dawn on me that AFES (IFCS, IVCF & Bible school) was a student organization. Obviously, I need to read more closely! I'm looking for a post-student organization. ;-)
15. Leah said the following at 4:55 PM on Jun 23:
Natasha (11) - no, bible school is, well, just that - bible school! AFES groups are Christian groups on secular university campuses.
brx is right when they said you don't have to be an enrolled student to get involved. One of my best friends met her husband via our AFES group (Christian Union) and he wasn't even a student! (He just tagged along with his sister and cousin, lol).
16. Bettie said the following at 9:44 PM on Jun 23:
It was very encouraging reading your comments and hearing the testimonies of how couples meet. I have been waiting for over 20 years to meet my mate. I am not sure what I need to do to place myself in the right place at the right time for this to happen. I am in the age catagory of 55-65, not too late.
17. Amy Scoggin said the following at 8:08 AM on Jun 24:
It's really encouraging and downright awesome to hear what God is doing for the folks who have waited on His time! Congratulations all, and many blessings.
18. Mark Lewis said the following at 12:47 PM on Jun 26:
I wonder if there's a connection between the Christian no-dating fad of the past 10-15 years and the fact that Boundless seems to get emails every week that go something like, "I'm 30 years old and single, but I really want to get married. How do I meet my future husband?"
19. Dan said the following at 3:40 PM on Jun 27:
Couldn't you all find a differant word to use besides the over used word "community". It reminds me too much of communism, which we used to be against in this country. I guess it is what the colleges teach: community, diversity, systainablity etc. I'm sorry, but you have received an indoctrination, not only an education. Please be on your guard. Remember, that the more "communities" there are out there, the more us and them there are out there. There is only one race, only one community, the human family. Please don't be so egar to let yourselves be used to start the next battle, the battle between us and them. Lets not let the elites do to us, what they have done to the human family across the seas. We are citizens of the "United States". Please enough with all these communities. "My brothers and sisters in Christ", okay...great, but not community...ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
20. Christopher from Albuquerque said the following at 3:08 PM on Jun 28:
Mark (#18),
Over the past four years, I have been a member of two churches which counsel against *worldly* dating but not *all* dating. Josh Harris, the man who has largely helped Christians in recent years to carefully think about these matters, is also against *worldly* dating but not necessarily all dating.
Josh's idea, and the idea in the churches I have been in, is that dating, as the world often does it, is largely "recreational," not taking things very seriously, and not having any careful thought and intentionality behind it. This kind of dating is careless and does not even attempt to proceed according to Biblical principles.
Therefore, a person is dating three or four people at the same time (and not really taking any of them seriously, but just "having fun"), or a person is dating another person for quite a long period of time but is not willing to actually commit to moving in a definite direction toward marriage.
Each of these models is very problematic, Biblically speaking. The first treats people as objects and shows a thoughtless attitude toward relations between the sexes. The second model is seemingly more serious but is just as damaging as the first (if not more), because it leads to at least one person becoming very emotionally bonded to the other without the context of *marriage* in which that bonding should take place.
The serious Christians whom I know are wary of "dating" in the two senses which I mention here. However, there is a more thoughtful form of dating which proceeds according to *Biblical principles* of each person being careful of the other's feelings, not treating dating as simply a "fun" pastime, and not treating the dating situation in a cavalier way, letting it drag on for years without deliberately moving toward marriage.
Some call this more thoughtful form of dating courtship; some call it "Biblical dating." One crucial part of it is that other people (usually in one's local church) are holding the people in question accountable, so that the relationship is proceeding in a God-glorifying way.