Everything Matters More When You Become a Father
by Motte Brown on 06/19/2009 at 9:05 AM
I'll never forget the panic attack I had leaving the hospital after my first child was born. As I was strapping her in the car seat, I remember thinking, Wow, she's really mine. I mean, I'm responsible for her now. I actually have to take her home.
Which I did ... never going above 25 miles per hour ... with the hazards on ... waving at the people tailgating to go around.
While I know it's a bit cliche, it did happen. And it does illustrate (if only a little) the immediate effect of fatherhood on men.
First Things' blogger Andrew Peach goes a lot further in his article on the change that takes place when men become fathers. He concludes that children "literally and perhaps even intentionally" kill the father's "ego-centered lives."
Most fathers-to-be suppose that their old ego-centered lives will continue more or less unabated after the child arrives. With the exception of a few more obstacles and demands on their time, their involvement with their children is envisioned as being something manageable and marginal. Nothing like a complete transformation—an abrupt end to their former life—really enters men’s minds.
But then the onslaught begins, and a man begins to realize that these people, his wife and children, are literally and perhaps even intentionally killing his old self. All around him everything is changing, without any signs of ever reverting back to the way they used to be. Into the indefinite future, nearly every hour of his days threatens to be filled with activities that, as a single-person or even a childless husband, he never would have chosen. Due to the continual interruptions of sleep, he is always mildly fatigued; due to long-term financial concerns, he is cautious in spending, forsaking old consumer habits and personal indulgences; he finds his wife equally exhausted and preoccupied with the children; connections with former friends start to slip away; traveling with his children is like traveling third class in Bulgaria, to quote H.L. Mencken; and the changes go on and on. In short, he discovers, in a terrifying realization, what Dostoevsky proclaimed long ago: “[A]ctive love is a harsh and fearful reality compared with love in dreams.” Fatherhood is just not what he bargained for.
Yet, through the exhaustion, financial stress, screaming, and general chaos, there enters in at times, mysteriously and unexpectedly, deep contentment and gratitude. It is not the pleasure or amusement of high school or college but rather the honor and nobility of sacrifice and commitment, like that felt by a soldier. What happens to his children now happens to him; his life, though awhirl with the trivial concerns of children, is more serious than it ever was before. Everything he does, from bringing home a paycheck to painting a bedroom, has a new end and, hence, a greater significance. The joys and sorrows of his children are now his joys and sorrows; the stakes of his life have risen. And if he is faithful to his calling, he might come to find that, against nearly all prior expectations, he never wants to return to the way things used to be.
In this life, few things illustrate the biblical principle of finding yourself by losing yourself quite like fatherhood. It's a great reminder as we seek to honor our father's this weekend.
1. Darren said the following at 11:38 AM on Jun 19:
Dear Motte:
Thanks for the nice father's day piece. Sometimes as a 2x parent, I feel like its hard for me to be a human being. Both my wife and I have so many balls in the air, its hard to have a decent conversation. When others ask me how things are going, I tell them, "We're staying about two steps ahead of total chaos." I sometimes find myself longing for the day, when these burdens will be eased. I look back wistfully at my single life, when it seemed like my revolved around drinking coffee at Starbucks, sleeping in and going out with friends.
Moreover, I envy my friends with much older kids, because it seems like they have turned the corner. This is truly not the life that we bargained for.
Yet, like Motte writes, "through the exhaustion, financial stress, screaming, and general chaos, there enters in at times, mysteriously and unexpectedly, deep contentment and gratitude." For better or for worse, this is life. This is "new normal." Yes, life is busier and just a little crazy, but I also have a wife and two precious children who make me laugh and who remind me that life is not just about me and about having "fun."
I can totally understand why some people choose never to get married and have children, but I wouldn't exchange "this life," my life for anything. This is my God given and most blessed life. Although, my life as it stands today leaves me little time to sit around drinking coffee and thinking "deep thoughts," without my wife and children, I would most certainly be diminished as a person. I am content and thankful that I can have one of the most privileged titles, that of "father."
2. Louise from Chicago said the following at 1:35 PM on Jun 19:
Happy Fathers' Day everybody!
3. LDB said the following at 2:07 PM on Jun 19:
Wow! that excerpt is the best explanation of fatherhood I've ever read. I look forward to being married to a man who is content with sacrifice and commitment. And happy father's day to my wonderful daddy!
4. Lauren T. said the following at 2:29 PM on Jun 19:
I think this is really what it means to "lay down your life" for someone - at least as much as the literal laying down of physical life. That's how I understand the verse to say that a husband should be to his wife as Jesus is to the church in laying down his life for her sake.
It's why I've never had any trouble with the concept of "submission": because I'm only commanded to submit to his leadership while he's commanded to lay down his life for me.
Just as my father here on Earth has laid his life down for his wife and his children.
5. Rich Bordner said the following at 1:25 AM on Jun 20:
I'm about to be married in a little over a month. Peach's words made me swell with anticipation at what I have coming.
My thoughts on Peach's words can be found here:
http://pugnaciousirishman.com/2009/06/18/fatherhood-anyone/
6. Leah said the following at 3:29 AM on Jun 20:
Hazards on? Really? Lol. Nice article though.
Darren (1) - I'm not a parent or anything, but I'm the oldest of 4 (I'm 21) and just moved out of home a year ago, so I have been witness to raising 4 teenagers. I'd agree that raising little kids is probably 'crazier', but don't yearn for the future without appreciating the present. I've just recently read a blog of a woman who said that, for a while, she mourned the loss of her children's young childhood (her children were then about ten years old). But then she was told not to keep looking at the past but to appreciate every stage because they are just new parts of life.
And teenagers present their own set of problems :P You might not have to deal with dirty nappies ('diapers' to you Americans), drawing on the walls and screaming temper tantrums, but you'll have to deal with curfews, making sure homework/assignments get done (sometimes at midnight the night before the due date), and teenagers' own versions of temper tantrums. Not to mention teenagers can totally give toddlers a run for their money in both the noise & trashing the house stakes :P (When I talk about teenagers trashing the house, I'm not talking about serious damage. I know most teenagers, like my siblings, are decent kids who respect property. I was just talking about being plain messy :P... which most teenagers are!)
Every stage, I think, has its own challenges and rewards... and the grass always looks greener from the other side :)
7. Shell said the following at 5:55 AM on Jun 20:
or mother.
8. Nancy said the following at 10:02 AM on Jun 20:
A few years ago, I read a quotation from a movie actor who said that parenthood saved him "from a life of terminal self-involvement."
Now, if only my three children hadn't decimated my short-term memory, I'd remember who said it . . .
Happy Father's Day, Motte!
9. Anakin Niceguy said the following at 12:10 PM on Jun 20:
A good article on fatherhood. Every man needs to be sober and count the cost of embracing the role of husband and father. It's not something to get into without careful reflection, and it is certainly not for everybody.
Here's something else to think about:
Just as women have been told the lie they can "have it all," men of the past have bought a lie they can be super ambitious and be great fathers. Overachieving men of the past have though they could fob the responsibilities of being a parent off on their wives. In that respect, there are great many men who were "successful" in their respective fields, but nonetheless had a lousy family life. We have seen the fallout of confused Baby Boomer men raised by emotionally distant fathers of the so-called "Greatest Generation."
Women are beginning to realize they can't be SuperMom (as Candice Watters makes clear in her article, "Kids Don't Retrofit"). The same, I think, holds true for men being SuperDad. Think about the sons of a few high-profile evangelists. It can be tough for sons who don't have a normal Dad, but have to walk in the shadow of a highly visible, highly respected figure.
Another matter: There are qualities that may make a man successful in the secular realm, but which are a liability in the family unit. Being driven, ruthless, and aggressive with your competitors and board members is one thing. Being driven, ruthless and aggressive with your children is another thing.
If men want to be great fathers, they may have to sacrifice more than their hobbies and free time. They may have to sacrifice their careers and their dreams of success. Think about. I say this because social conservatives seem to focus on the father of the ghetto who is physically absent from his children's home, but yet overlook the father of the boardroom, office cubicle, or church building who is emotionally absent from his children's lives.
10. Keith said the following at 4:04 AM on Jun 21:
Do children really kill men's "ego centered" lives? Do most men really have "ego centered" lives before having children? I question that because I know so many men, Christian and non-Christian, who have served others selflessly for years on end, and who are yet to be husbands and fathers.
It is also important to remember that the children we father are not really ours; they belong to God. It is God who formed them and brought them into the world, and their soul will one day return to God. As fathers, we have a very limited role and a short time frame. Our children are not ours - They are just lent to us for a short period of time for us to love and teach.
The calling of fatherhood has been undermined for so long in our Western culture, but as Christians we must not allow ourselves to push the pendulum the other way and elevate the role of fatherhood to unreasonable levels. Otherwise we will feel likely disappointed when we find that the role of fatherhood may not be all that we expected it to be. Maybe the gap between what we expect fatherhood to be - and what it really is - is why so many young men are afraid to become fathers.
In conclusion, I have to say that if we are living for our children, then we are living for the wrong reason. If we are working hard to bring home a pay check for our children, if we are painting our room for our children - we are doing it for the wrong reason. We live for God, and God, not us, will take care of our children. When ee as men aspire to be fathers, it is not because it adds to our identity, but because our love for our children is a (partial) reflection of the love God has for us, His children
11. Simon from Texas said the following at 4:01 PM on Jun 22:
Why does drifting away from friends have to be part of the sacrifice of fatherhood? That's depressing. Life shouldn't be that way.