Before You Get Engaged
by Motte Brown on 06/03/2009 at 10:49 AM
Did you read Monday's Boundless article Premarital Doubts? It's about an engagement gone wrong. Guy meets girl online, begins dating, gets to know family, gets engaged ... sees red flags.
I wonder if our checkup for seriously dating couples would have helped. Here's a description:
What’s really important for a healthy, lifelong relationship? The Couple Checkup for dating couples helps identify what really matters when considering a forever partner. It brings fresh insights, relevant advice and real-life perspectives on a variety of areas -- communication, compatibility, family backgrounds and more!
Each personalized assessment delivers:
- A detailed relationship report (15-20 pages)
- An easy-to-use interpretation guide
- Insights into 20 key relationship dynamics
- Personality, compatibility and background insights
- Suggestions for future growth
And more!
If you'd like to do everything you can to avoid an engagement gone wrong, it may be worth your while to spend 30 minutes and $30 dollars to take our checkup. Just go to www.family.org/couplecheckup.
1. Tami said the following at 11:24 AM on Jun 3:
Not having taken your survey, I can't speak to whether or not it would help.
But my immediate sense is that the problem is deeper than compatibility or communication (though those are certainly important considerations). I completely agreed with John Thomas's advice. I think the issues began well before these folks started dating, and they are well advised to return to seeking Christ first.
If the writer and his girlfriend are reading: I know 21 doesn't feel "young," and I don't think that marrying at 21, in and of itself, is wrong. But, as I read the letter, I got a sense that you're really rushing things. For your own sakes, please heed John Thomas's advice, and slow down and seek God. You will receive the clarity and peace you need, even if, in the short run, you're distressed by the wait. Or the breakup.
2. Melanie said the following at 11:33 AM on Jun 3:
Another resource to consider is "101 Questions to Ask Before you Get Engaged" by H. Norman Wright. It thoroughly covers all aspects of life from a Christian standpoint, and encourages discussion on hot topics. My husband and I bought two copies and went through it together before we decided to move ahead and get married.
3. charlene said the following at 2:38 PM on Jun 3:
I wish I had that before I married my (now ex) husband.
4. Leah said the following at 5:14 PM on Jun 3:
I never took that checkup. Why pay $30 for something I can get my friends and family to tell me? And probably with a lot more accuracy?
5. pass the ammunition said the following at 6:32 PM on Jun 3:
Would these surveys be relevant for couples who are not believers? I'm thinking about recommending them for some friends.
6. Michelle said the following at 8:37 AM on Jun 4:
During our dating relationship and engagement, my husband and I used the check-up and the book mentioned above "101 Questions." My husband and I found the book a lot more helpful and fun to go through. The book doesn't shy away from tough questions and it really helped facilitate some good conversations. My husband cites it as one of the reasons he felt comfortable proposing.
7. Kellie said the following at 9:00 AM on Jun 4:
Pre-marital counseling is good too (and is sometimes required by churches if you want to get married at them). Engagment is not marriage, while a broken engagement is sad, it is probably better than a bad marriage or a divorce.
8. Tyler said the following at 9:46 AM on Jun 4:
Pre-marital counseling helped my wife and I catch a lot of issues before they became huge life-consuming problems. I always recommend it to couples. It's not just for engaged folks either - we started soon after we started dating/courting and it was a life-saver.
9. Motte Brown said the following at 1:17 PM on Jun 4:
pass the ammunition:
Yes, this would be a good resource for non-believers. The standard Life Innovations Couple Checkup was built on 20 years of research and is useful for both believers and non-believers. We (Focus on the Family) added spiritual dimensions to the assessment for our audience.
Leah:
I agree that friends and family play an important role before you get engaged. But that in no way diminishes the value of this assessment. We wouldn't have invested our time and money in it if we didn't think it was worthwhile.
10. Carrie (the original) said the following at 1:45 PM on Jun 4:
My boyfriend and I must be very transparent. We took it and the results weren't shocking in the least.
There are a few things it gave us to talk about it, but as I expected, we are pretty much on the same page.
11. Ted Slater said the following at 4:09 PM on Jun 4:
Leah (#4) and those who are concerned about the cost of this assessment whose comments we did not publish: I'm planning to write a blog post that addresses why some things may require payment, and other things do not cost you a thing.
This blog, for example, as well as the articles over on our Webzine, do not cost you anything. The cost to produce these things is covered by those who are financially supporting our ministry.
We'll see if I have time today to write that blog post....
Ted.
12. beck said the following at 6:12 PM on Jun 4:
interesting that the young man writing the letter seems to have an outlook that is the polar opposite of "soul-mate-ism"- sort of an "anyone wil do"ism. Perhaps a call for moderation on the spectrum?
13. Kyle said the following at 9:22 PM on Jun 4:
I agree with John Thomas's advice. A few years ago, I was in a very similar situation. I won't go into all of the details here, but after she and I got engaged, I began to see a totally different side of her. We had rushed into things and I started seeing some major red flags. We dated less than 3 months before we were engaged and planned to get married 7 months after we started dating (we did know each other for a few years before we started dating, but not well). I suggested that we move the wedding date back so that we could make sure we were ready and knew each other as well as we thought. Her response was, "now or never." That was enough to convince me that my concerns were valid and I ended the relationship.
That was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but it was also one of the smartest decisions I have made. Through all of that, I felt God's presence and heard His voice more than any other time in my life. That definitely helped me get through it, but it was still very tough!
I am not saying that this young man should make the same decision I did, but he should be open to whatever God leads him to do.
14. Leah said the following at 11:38 PM on Jun 4:
Ted - I totally understand that certain things have to cost money. And I also understand that there are couples out there for whom this "Couples Checkup" would be especially helpful because they do not have the same sort of family/friends/church support network that I and many others have. I was only making the point that the cost, combined with the fact I already had people who would probably tell me the same stuff the check up would, made it not worthwhile for me.
15. Carrie (the original) said the following at 9:07 AM on Jun 5:
Leah (#14) - the operative word in your argument is probably. Having done the assessment and not having either my boyfriend or I be surprised, is a good, confirming thing.
The people that you know are falible. Fortunately, several of my friends are quite bold in expressing concerns and telling me things that I should work on. However, even though I have had pastors, elders, and friends encourage me in my relationship - it was really nice to be able to take advantage of an objective resource.
It's nice to actually know instead of thinking that the resource "probably" will be of no use.
16. Sara said the following at 11:56 AM on Jun 5:
I totally agree with Carrie (#15). My fiance and I took it recently and it was so reassuring and confirming to know that we were indeed on the same page in almost all the areas. It also gave us some things to discuss as well. Like Carrie said, even though we are surrounded by great Christian friends and family, it is still enlightening and a great "converstation starter" to take this assessment together. It will also give us some heads-up as we start premarital counseling.