Always a Bridesmaid
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 06/23/2009 at 2:35 PM
In the past 10 years I have been a bridesmaid four times. I've worn the dresses and uncomfortable shoes. I've attended the rehearsal dinners, played silly games at the bridal showers and given the speeches. Most recently, I stood up as a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding -- my sister who is nine years younger.
As much as I am glad for my friends who have found their loves, I've sometimes felt like second fiddle. Other times I've felt just plain alone and miserable. But recently as I was meditating on the story in Song of Songs, I noticed this wonderful cast of characters called "the friends." In today's featured Boundless article, I write:
Throughout the book, the role of the friends becomes clear: rejoice, challenge, help and protect. The implication is that without these friends, the betrothed woman would be lost and vulnerable to impropriety or unwise decisions.
It's unfortunate that our culture often reduces bridesmaids to token friends who swoop in wedding week to wear impractical dresses and shoes. The friends in Song of Songs are not of this variety. They are deeply invested in the health and happiness of the betrothed couple.
Being the friend of the bride is an important role that can be mutually edifying (Romans 14:19). Watching my sister's romance and subsequent marriage was a profound experience for me. For the first time, I caught a vision for what God can do in a relationship He ordains. I caught a glimpse of this type of encouragement in Song of Songs:
No matter how stellar of a friend you are, finding yourself continually in the pack of "friends" and never the "beloved," can be disheartening. I imagine that is why the beloved encouraged her friends with this statement:
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. (2:7)
This message was so close to her heart that she repeated it three times. Her relationship with her beloved is so affirming, miraculous and right, that she wishes the same for her friends. I believe she is telling her friends to wait on God's timing for a beautiful, heaven-honoring romance. She is urging them to hold out for the love God has for them and not settle for chasing after it in their own way.
So all of you serving as bridesmaids or groomsmen this summer, be encouraged. Put the effort forth to support and rejoice with your friends and recognize that someday it may be you. Eight months after going dateless to my sister's wedding I became engaged. And I'm thankful I did not awaken love in my timing.
1. Rachel A. said the following at 2:56 PM on Jun 23:
Thank you so much for writing this article.
My best friend is getting married this fall and ever since she has asked me to be a bridesmaid, I have been looking online for the purpose of bridesmaids. The podcast last week and your article have really helped me to see the important role that I play not only in the most superficial sense of helping her with errands or other tasks that she needs done but also in spiritually encouraging and provoking her. I feel like I can serve her in a far greater capacity now than what I could a few weeks ago :).
2. Margaret said the following at 3:36 PM on Jun 23:
I've been a bridesmaid the past 4 summers in a row, and have at least 2 more lined up in the next couple years. It is always a wonderful experience (even if sometimes a bit crazy), and I look at it as one opportunity to be a blessing to the couple, and receive the honor of being recognized as a special friend. For me, being a bridesmaid does not stop when the reception music ends and the gifts are packed. I take seriously my part in the ceremony that establishes a new marriage, and tell my friends that in asking me to stand with them on their wedding day they have also invited me in to be a friend, support, counselor, and prayer partner for their new union... for life.
Though I'm still single, and do occasionally feel that twinge of "when will it be my time?" (probably more often than I'd admit even to myself), I rejoice every time one of my friends makes the commitment to marriage, and I've see many of God's blessings shine through in each of my friends marriages.
3. Mike said the following at 4:19 PM on Jun 23:
You know, you wrote this for the women, but some of this applies to me too. I remember when my wife decided she was leaving how difficult it was to go to other people's weddings.
Then, I went through a season where Scripture became very painful on the subject: "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." (Matthew 19:9) and "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." (Matthew 5:32)
So, the hurt when someone else is walking down the aisle - or waiting at the front of the church for her - while you're left alone isn't just for women.
Nevertheless, it's a calling to invest yourself in the happiness of others. I'm getting better at it, with grace. (I'm playing piano at a wedding here in a few weeks.)
And, it's a real training ground for accepting His plan and timing. After all, doing it my way didn't work out so well.
4. farmer Tom said the following at 5:07 PM on Jun 23:
Mike,
I would like to talk to you about your comment.
email me, fTom64@gmail.com
5. Kelly said the following at 8:46 PM on Jun 23:
My bridesmaid-duty count is 6, and all 4 of my younger siblings are married/engaged. My baby sister, 10 years younger, is getting married in December.
More than that, I'm now aunt to an increasing number of kids.
In terms of missing the boat, it's never been so clear to me; when my entire community (of peers) is full of families and children.
How can I turn the "left behind" feeling into something positive?
By stopping being resentful, by accepting, "this is what it is," by enjoying the community that God HAS given me. I may never have my own children, but I get to share theirs. And that's a pretty special thing.
6. BDB said the following at 10:03 PM on Jun 23:
The question is, do all bridesmaids have uncomfortable shoes?
7. Nicole said the following at 10:29 PM on Jun 23:
this was encouraging for me to read. I have personally never been a bridesmaid, but I have attended many weddings of friends both older and younger than me and I sometimes feel the twinge of why not me and feeling lonely later. But the greatest encouragement to me is that my younger brother is getting married in about 6 weeks and as happy as i am for him it is still hard. But this reminded me of 2 things: 1. I need to support and pray for my brother and his new wife and 2. My convictions can stand firm... my time will come, in God's timing and it will be better than anything I could ever think or dream of.
because God makes all things beautiful in His time!!!
8. Leanne said the following at 12:10 AM on Jun 24:
Haha, this article is very ironic since I have just returned from a bridal shower for a bride whose wedding I will be in later this Summer. Thank you for the encouragement as I am now two times a bridesmaid...
9. Erin said the following at 1:20 AM on Jun 24:
Thanks for this article, definatly spoke to me :)
10. Leah said the following at 1:25 AM on Jun 24:
I have a friend who was a bridesmaid 5, maybe 6 times in as many years before she got married.
As for me being bridesmaid, I was actually a bit of the reverse of this- I was expecting to be bridesmaid (not head bridesmaid or anything) for a girl who was one of my bridesmaids, and I'm not. We once told each other (about 2 years ago now) that we would both include the other in our weddings, and sure enough, 4 months later when I got engaged I included her.
I would have felt ok if she was only having 1 or 2 bridesmaids, but what bothered me was that she had 3 and chose not only her future sister-in-law and her bestfriend (those two I totally understand), but she also chose a girl who she's often not been on speaking terms with over the past 2 years. I was a bit taken aback by that and it took me a little while to come to terms with realising I wasn't as special to her as I had thought. It sounds conceited, but I hope people realise that's not my intention.
Otherwise I've only been bridesmaid once, and I'm going to be again this year. I was flowergirl twice when I was a kid though :D
11. Rachael said the following at 7:30 AM on Jun 24:
"I may never have my own children, but I get to share theirs. And that's a pretty special thing." -- Kelly, comment 5.
An application of that attitude to a variety of contexts would be really cool. Yep, indeed, our life "is what it is". Doesn't mean that we should remain stuck in our sin. But when there are circumstances that our beyond our control, indeed, 'c'est la vie'.
Somehow I have an impression, and I could be wrong, that my friend had said that she likes to see others enjoy themselves (like in social gatherings). She is a quiet person. Again, I could be wrong, but somehow I have that impression...
I think it would be awesome if we could get to the point (and for those who have gotten there) where we long for others' happiness more than our own. Or at least rejoice or accept it and not be left longing or wishing, or envying (maybe we can envy circumstances without realizing we're envying them). If I was asked to list some "If...then it would be better"s, I would. And to some extent change could be reached, in the areas that relate to my efforts. But there are also circumstances beyond my control...
But they're not beyond God's!
12. Trina said the following at 8:35 AM on Jun 24:
Thank you so much for writing this!
I am deeply encouraged by the role that friends, both bridesmaids and groomsmen can take when it comes to blessing the bride and groom. I think its something that most don't really think of, except for the duties of planning a bridal shower or making sure the groom is breathing normally. It is our opportunity to stand with them and witness something holy, the union of two people within the covenant of marriage.
I have to admit that my views have only shifted to this, being almost nonexistent after my husband left. Directly after I was invited to be apart of not one, but two weddings of friends and though it was harder than I ever thought, I am able to look back now and see that in that God was even encouraging me to hold on. He really is in charge, and even if you catch the bouquet seven more times or slip into one of the most interesting colors that have ever been seen on an evening gown, God is in all of that. And His timing is so much better than anything we could even think of!
13. The Future Mrs. Riley said the following at 9:26 AM on Jun 24:
You never know what could happen....being a bridesmaid could be a blessing, in an unexpected way! I was maid of honor for my younger sister and then again the maid of honor at the wedding of my best friend last summer. I was single, happy for my best friend, but single....and then the best man walked in. He saw beyond the less-than-flattering dress and uncomfortable shoes, comforted me with kind words when I cried at the wedding, and asked me about myself... Long story short, on October 17th, one year to the day after he asked me to date him and consider marriage, I will walk down the aisle again and marry my fiance, who truly is the best man!
Yes, maybe most people's bridesmaids stories won't end with another wedding like ours did, but be encouraged -- God is in control and can use any situation, even weddings to bring two single people together!
14. Elisabeth K said the following at 10:06 AM on Jun 24:
I get the blessing of being the matron of honor at my sister's wedding in a couple of weeks and I'm nine months pregnant! Thankfully, she let me choose my own dress and my own shoes so neither one is unattractive or uncomfortable.
I have a friend I asked to be in my wedding two years ago and she is a perfect example of being rejoicing with those who are rejoicing. She a little younger than I am and would like nothing better then to get married, but nothing has happened so far.
15. Scott A. said the following at 10:44 AM on Jun 24:
Yeah, I learned that character quality about a year ago. I found out that I was a very jealous and selfish person when dealing with the fact that I haven't really been a part of the dating game when others were already getting married! However, God (and good roommates) broke me of that sin and now I'm becoming a man who supports relationships both in service and prayer, even though my situation hasn't changed one bit. I really marvel at and am thankful of the Lord's ability to pull out those deep heart sins and cut them off of the vine, even if it a very painful process.
16. BDB said the following at 11:12 AM on Jun 24:
Trina (#12) wrote:
>>except for the duties of planning a bridal shower or making sure the groom is breathing normally.<<
And not locking their knees. Don't pass out!
17. Kami said the following at 12:47 PM on Jun 24:
BDB (#6) "The question is, do all bridesmaids have uncomfortable shoes?"
I'm wearing cowboy boots (as are the other bridesmaids, and the bride) to a wedding this Saturday! I love it! Granted, she is getting married in a pasture. :)
18. Amir Larijani said the following at 12:50 PM on Jun 24:
Suzanne: this is not adding up. Your sister is 9 years younger than you are, and married. And yet you look barely old enough to be a college grad.
Either that, or I'm just getting old...
19. BDB said the following at 12:51 PM on Jun 24:
Kami (#17) wrote:
>>Granted, she is getting married in a pasture. :)<<
I've heard that stilletos are a bad choice for those outdoor weddings on grass.
20. Tami said the following at 1:10 PM on Jun 24:
BDB wrote: "I've heard that stilletos are a bad choice for those outdoor weddings on grass."
Unless you're helping the property owners aerate the lawn...
21. Carrie (the original) said the following at 1:29 PM on Jun 24:
Amir (#18) - It was mentioned in the podcast that Suzanne is in her late 20s. There is an 8 year age difference between her and her fiancè. He's in his early 20s.
Since you have a picture on your blog - you don't look that old either. Besides, didn't you mention somewhere on these pages that you were pursuing someone who was 14 years your junior?
You don't look that old on your picture - so what is she, like barely legal or something?! :p
22. Carrie (the original) said the following at 1:31 PM on Jun 24:
Wait . . . sorry . . totally mis-responded to the comment.
Suzanne is in her late 20s, so her sister just got married super-early in life apparently.
Where is my head these days????
23. Suzanne said the following at 1:48 PM on Jun 24:
Carrie,
You're sweet. :) I'm actually 31. My sister married at 22.
24. Carrie (the original) said the following at 2:45 PM on Jun 24:
Suzanne -
Sorry, I thought I remember you saying you were 28 or 29 in the podcast.
Again, I'm not all here lately. Sorry 'bout that.
I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, Suzanne, but I have a friend who is your age and has five kids. I'll be turning 28 next month and I have 0 children, but then again I'm not married.
So, technically, you're younger than some other 31 year olds. You have much less "mileage" (as my mother-of-five-friend says).
And at almost 28 myself, I don't consider 31 old.
Or 42 for that matter. ;)
25. Rachael said the following at 3:07 PM on Jun 24:
"And yet you look barely old enough to be a college grad." - someone
That can be taken as a compliment.
But just for informational purposes, let's remember that some people look young but aren't that young...
Even if people are young and look young, of course they shouldn't be looked down on for that reason (Timothy was told to "let no one despise [him] for his youth", 1 Tim. 4:12).
But for example, say someone new comes to work with you. Don't necessarily assume they're not experienced if they look young...and if you do assume that, still treat them respectfully....
26. Rachael said the following at 3:26 PM on Jun 24:
As for uncomfortable shoes (but relating to the bride), they can be functional, like, if the dress is too long and would cost an arm and a leg to get it hemmed professionally.
I'm not a high heel professional and rarely wear them, but, I was able to walk around on my wedding day and live to write this comment about it...
27. Jo said the following at 3:49 PM on Jun 24:
Rachael:
"But just for informational purposes, let's remember that some people look young but aren't that young..."
Indeed. My favourite 'looking young' story was from a couple of years ago when my brother and I were meeting some of our friends in a pub. You had to be 18 to get in, and the guy on the door was ID'ing everyone. My 6' brother (three years younger than me) got an apologetic "Sorry mate, I have to ask for everyone's ID", then I got an abrupt "ID please" with an obvious attitude of disbelief that I could possibly be old enough. I was 24. Anyway, he looked at my driving license, saw that I had the same last name as my bro and said rather sheepishly, "So, you're the big sister then." I just smiled sweetly...
28. Rachael said the following at 4:21 PM on Jun 24:
Jo - HA! My sister used to take pride in telling people that she was 4 years younger than me -- for effect. She's taller...I'm not short, though.
And then as I mentioned on this blog I was guessed to be my husband's daughter. That woman may not be so familiar with my generation's variation of looks or something. Not sure. She blatantly guessed our relationship that way and wasn't trying to joke initially or be mean.
Before we married, a kid may have guessed if he was my dad and I was the daughter, but I am not sure of his intent, and kids' judgements of age aren't quite as developed as adults' can be.
And then I may have heard something at a distance before about someone mumbling (or saying quietly) 'daughter'. Even if she did say 'daughter', maybe she wasn't referring to me. And I could be wrong about that overhearing thing, but, it's my impression that that might have been mumbled at a distance.
Impressions can be wrong, but they still happen.
I think if people have question and if it gets out they should either be safely out of earshot or say it directly to the person's face...
I really don't look that young. But I'm thin, wear little to no make-up, and I don't wear sophisticated clothes for the most part. Oh and I often wear ponytails. So in some people's minds perhaps these things equate to youthfulness.
29. Leah said the following at 5:44 PM on Jun 24:
BDB- Re: bridesmaid shoes...
I was bridesmaid last year and the shoes WERE uncomfortable, but that was just coz I hadn't worn them in properly... a year later I wear them all the time lol.
I am going to be bridesmaid again and I LOVE the shoes we have. They have high heels and I LOVE heels. They'd be a pain for many girls I to walk in, lol, but I can do it :)
This wedding I'm going to be in will be in a church but originally the reception was going to be outdoors in a park. The bride was intending on have two pairs of shoes - stilletos for the wedding (she's a mega heels fan, more than me) and then ballet flats for the reception in the park :) But we ended up having to move the reception to an indoors location.
I also believe the shoes my bridesmaids wore were quite comfortable. I didn't try them on, but three of my bridesmaids were not big 'shoe' people and don't do well in heels, so I chose something with a lower, chunkier heel and ankle straps and they were all quite happy with them.
30. Kelly said the following at 7:03 PM on Jun 24:
Something else to throw out there - I find it surprising whenever I hear about members of the bridal party meeting for the first time at/just before the wedding.
For all my friends' weddings, the groom has already become an integral part of our 'community', and therefore of course we all already know his best friends (groomsmen).
I guess it would be different if you were in the wedding party for someone you hadn't seen in a long time, or a best friend who'd moved out of state. But that makes no sense to me, having a bridal party who isn't actually THERE to help you prepare!
(And in my baby sister's wedding, I'm going to be partnered with a young man who I've known since I was 12 and he was in diapers.)
31. Amir Larijani said the following at 10:05 AM on Jun 25:
Carrie:
Now you're sounding like my fiance'...
32. Carrie (the original) said the following at 10:14 AM on Jun 25:
Amir has a fiancè???
Whoa!
33. Becky said the following at 3:22 PM on Jun 25:
I've got 7 (count 'em ... SEVEN) weddings as a bridesmaid under my belt, including two as maid of honor.
I often wondered if it would ever be my turn. I couldn't even imagine it.
Guess what? 52 days and I'll be in the white dress.
34. Amir Larijani said the following at 6:16 PM on Jun 25:
Carrie says:
Ever since the Resurrection, people have been looking for miracles and signs.
I'd rank this up there with a Red Sea parting. Rumor has it, she does too.
35. Leah T. said the following at 8:34 PM on Jun 25:
This just reminded me.... I'm going to be bridesmaid in a couple of months and still need to find some (hopefully comfortable) shoes.
36. Blue Sarah said the following at 5:58 AM on Jun 26:
I would love to be a bridesmaid and share in other people's happiness, but it seems I'm not bridesmaidenly enough.
It started around the time I was 5; other friends were flower girls and I just assumed I would be too and when that didn't happen at least bridesmaid but after all these years it looks like it will never happen.
Sill, I'd way rather be a bride once than any amount of other things.
37. Rachael said the following at 3:42 PM on Jun 26:
Blue Sarah, doesn't mean you're not bridesmaidenly enough. And who knows, there may be a bride who connects with you more than the people she chose.
I chose two people who are kind-of a 'set' (and my sister). We occasionally got together all the 3 of us.
But who I chose doesn't mean I didn't have meaningful times with others...
I think I would have been okay having simply my sister if my husband had expressed a desire of having only one.
I may have even been okay if I had chose to have no one, but, that would have hurt my sister, I think (I think she expressed that).
It's probably nice to have at least one, especially if you have a sister who would find that role meaningful.
38. Leah said the following at 12:26 AM on Jun 28:
Kelly 30 - in relation to the bridal party, some people put more emphasis on wanting to honour those who have played a significant part in their life rather than choosing people who can be especially helpful in organising their wedding.
My husband had four groomsmen and they all except one lived out of town. The bestman moved not very long ago and knew my sister (maid of honour) quite well. Groomsman A moved not all that long ago too, and knew Bridesmaid A as first hubby, then I, were mutual friends. Groomsman B lived in town but did not know Bridesmaid B until they bumped into each other at work and were like 'hey - you're going to be in Leah's wedding!' (they recognised each other off facebook :P) Bridesmaid B was a friend from school and Groomsman B was a friend from my husband's old church, so there was no real reason for them to have known each other. Groomsman C, however, has lived out of town for several years, but was also a very good friend of my husband's from his school days & they kept in touch. So there was really no way for him to know Bridesmaid C (although he knew Bridesmaid A because they went to school together!)
Also, as far as the groomsmen go, there is very little preparing that they are required to do :P All my bridesmaids lived in town except for one who, while she lived in the same city, was on prac in another town for several months (but squeezed in as much helping as possible on her weekends back!)
Bridal parties are not just choosing someone who will be the most convenient/helpful in preparing your wedding.
39. Andrea said the following at 8:12 AM on Jun 28:
In what I call "Phase 1" of weddings (early twenties), I watched as my acquaintances and cousins married off, one by one. I attended each wedding with a sense of bittersweet joy for the couple and yet a small sting of longing for myself to be the one walking down to meet a grinning groom.
I actually felt a twinge of jealousy at not only never being the bride, but also never being a bridesmaid. It sunk in pretty hard that none of my high school and early college friends had been close enough for that. I was always the guest ... never the bridesmaid.
Then, the inevitable happened; Phase 1 of weddings became Phase 1 of babies. Now I attended yet another shower for those girls I had been to their weddings a mere year or two before, and then, just when the showers stopped, Phase 2 of weddings began!
Wheeeee!
It started with a bang. My younger brother married. I got the "when will we be at YOUR wedding, Andrea?" comments from family. Oh, joy.
The weddings of my friends, however, started taking a decided turn. I was closer to these friends ... women and men I had bonded with later in life who had been, like I still was, an "older single." I rejoiced even more with these beloved friends.
Phase 2 of weddings is drawing to a close, and I will soon be a bridesmaid at last. My dear 32 year-old roommate is marrying in December. Her time has come, and I couldn't be happier for her.
Even more, I'm happy to have bonded with my "later life" friends and be able to share in their joy even more, in some ways, than I was with my "early life" friends.
There's a few of us still left in the bouquet or garter toss line, but we'll make it through.
And we'll dance at your reception with the best of them ... unless it's the Chicken Dance. We draw the line there. After all, we've already had that humiliation a dozen or so times before. Take pity.
40. Bekah said the following at 6:03 PM on Jul 2:
This article was very encouraging! I will be a bridesmaid 6 times this summer and will have played my violin in 3 others by the end of August. I have struggled to rejoice in the joy I wish was mine. But, as the weddings draw closer, the Lord has encouraged me to pray for and with them. I love this comment:
*I take seriously my part in the ceremony that establishes a new marriage, and tell my friends that in asking me to stand with them on their wedding day they have also invited me in to be a friend, support, counselor, and prayer partner for their new union... for life.*
Awesome.