A Plea for Help from a Military Reader by Tom Neven on 06/16/2009 at 8:46 AM

We recently received this request from a Boundless reader:

I have been following Boundless for quite some time now and greatly appreciate the wisdom you all have shared with the rest of us!

I have finally decided to share something I have been troubled with for some time. When I was younger I kept to myself. I have always been more of an introvert and never had a large number of friends. Since I joined the military, I have drifted away from almost all of them. Now I find myself relatively alone and am not sure what to do. I can’t seem to make new friendships, as my schedule in the military is constantly changing and I frequently work nights and weekends.

I can’t regularly attend a church for the same reasons. While I still consider myself an introvert, I really want to be able to have a strong group of friends and be part of a church. I don’t have any kind of mentor either. I am very close with my family, but since I live across the country from them, there is only so much they can do.

And when it comes to trying to find a wife, it seems impossible. The only people I am around are my coworkers, but I haven’t been stationed with any other believers. I know the military is the right place for me to be. I don’t have any doubts this is where God wants me, but I am so isolated. The closest I get to church is by podcasting the Boundless show and several churches that post their sermons online.

I know this isn’t exactly a question, but it is something I need help with. I would greatly appreciate your prayers, and any advice.

I’ll address some general issues and then answer a few of the questions specific to the reader's military situation, but I think this is also a case of throwing this open to the Boundless readership for their … well, boundless advice.

First, I'm an introvert and, like you, I like to be by myself. I understand.  It's not that I don't have friends or don't get along with people; I just tend to keep my own company. But I've learned over the years that you get out of a relationship what you put into it. If you’re going to have friends, you have to be a friend. Often it’s up to you to make the first move.

Ditto for finding a mate. Boundless if full of advice on the man's need to be the initiator. I know it's easier said than done, but learn to step out in faith. Sometimes it’s as simple as striking up a conversation. (Just beware of using pick-up lines, whether intentional or not.) Nothing forced or corny. And don't just talk about yourself.

As for your military situation, you are not specific as to which branch of the military you're in, where you're stationed, what rank you are, or what your MOS is. (That's military occupational specialty to the uninitiated.) That makes it hard to give specific advice.

I do know that it's sometimes hard for Christians in the military to find a good church. Every base usually has a minimum of one chaplain. Some have many. The potential problem is that some chaplains are not believers. I'm not talking about Jewish or Muslim chaplains, either. Even some ordained by Christian denominations—ordination by a recognized religious body is a prerequisite for all chaplains—do not believe or preach the simple Gospel. But he (or sometimes she) is the only choice you have. For example, the military considers a Mormon chaplain as fulfilling a Christian billet.

If you're Stateside and you can’t find a chaplain who preaches the Word, try to find a good church off base. Many are happy to provide rides to military people, so it’s just a matter of looking in the phone book and making a few calls. If you're overseas, that might be more problematic. But groups such as The Navigators and other Christian outreaches often have people posted near military bases. And even though it may be hard to attend Sunday services every week, a good church should have small groups or regular Bible studies that you can participate in. It's important to worship God, but it's also important to have fellowship with and learn from your fellow believers.

As for finding a wife, I'll say beware, especially if you're overseas. (This from a guy who met and married his wife in Switzerland.) In a lot of places women see an American serviceman as a ticket to "the land of the big PX" and a quick Green Card. No, not every foreign-born woman is like this, but a certain number are. You need to show an extra measure of discernment on top of what you normally would in meeting women here in the States.

Even if you find an American who interests you, you face some restrictions that the average Boundless reader doesn’t—namely, that commissioned officers and enlisted personnel are not allowed to fraternize. Sometimes when you’re out in town in civvies, you can’t tell.

(True story: A Marine gunnery sergeant stationed in Japan had been teaching himself Japanese in order to improve his chances with the local women. He saw a beautiful woman at a restaurant off base and started to chat her up in his best Japanese. She just gave him a small smile and let him go on and on, finally interrupting him with perfect, Southern-accented English that sounded straight out of Gone With the Wind: "I can't understand a word ya’ll are sayin'." Turns out she was Japanese-American born and raised in Atlanta and didn’t speak a word of Japanese. Moreover, she was a Navy lieutenant, a commissioned officer, and he was an noncommissioned officer, meaning even if they’d hit it off, the relationship would have violated the rules.)

You're right, too, that crazy schedules in the military throw up another obstacle that most civilians don't face. Again, you’ll have to make the effort. Things won't simply fall into your lap. God doesn't usually work that way. But it is easier to steer a moving car than one that’s sitting still, so start moving, pray, and trust God for His best.

If I may be so bold, I also suggest reading a book addressed to specifically to people like you. Beyond that, I’ll throw it open to the Boundless crowd and see what advice they offer.

A Plea for Help from a Military Reader by Tom Neven on 06/16/2009 at 8:46 AM

We recently received this request from a Boundless reader:

I have been following Boundless for quite some time now and greatly appreciate the wisdom you all have shared with the rest of us!

I have finally decided to share something I have been troubled with for some time. When I was younger I kept to myself. I have always been more of an introvert and never had a large number of friends. Since I joined the military, I have drifted away from almost all of them. Now I find myself relatively alone and am not sure what to do. I can’t seem to make new friendships, as my schedule in the military is constantly changing and I frequently work nights and weekends.

I can’t regularly attend a church for the same reasons. While I still consider myself an introvert, I really want to be able to have a strong group of friends and be part of a church. I don’t have any kind of mentor either. I am very close with my family, but since I live across the country from them, there is only so much they can do.

And when it comes to trying to find a wife, it seems impossible. The only people I am around are my coworkers, but I haven’t been stationed with any other believers. I know the military is the right place for me to be. I don’t have any doubts this is where God wants me, but I am so isolated. The closest I get to church is by podcasting the Boundless show and several churches that post their sermons online.

I know this isn’t exactly a question, but it is something I need help with. I would greatly appreciate your prayers, and any advice.

I’ll address some general issues and then answer a few of the questions specific to the reader's military situation, but I think this is also a case of throwing this open to the Boundless readership for their … well, boundless advice.

First, I'm an introvert and, like you, I like to be by myself. I understand.  It's not that I don't have friends or don't get along with people; I just tend to keep my own company. But I've learned over the years that you get out of a relationship what you put into it. If you’re going to have friends, you have to be a friend. Often it’s up to you to make the first move.

Ditto for finding a mate. Boundless if full of advice on the man's need to be the initiator. I know it's easier said than done, but learn to step out in faith. Sometimes it’s as simple as striking up a conversation. (Just beware of using pick-up lines, whether intentional or not.) Nothing forced or corny. And don't just talk about yourself.

As for your military situation, you are not specific as to which branch of the military you're in, where you're stationed, what rank you are, or what your MOS is. (That's military occupational specialty to the uninitiated.) That makes it hard to give specific advice.

I do know that it's sometimes hard for Christians in the military to find a good church. Every base usually has a minimum of one chaplain. Some have many. The potential problem is that some chaplains are not believers. I'm not talking about Jewish or Muslim chaplains, either. Even some ordained by Christian denominations—ordination by a recognized religious body is a prerequisite for all chaplains—do not believe or preach the simple Gospel. But he (or sometimes she) is the only choice you have. For example, the military considers a Mormon chaplain as fulfilling a Christian billet.

If you're Stateside and you can’t find a chaplain who preaches the Word, try to find a good church off base. Many are happy to provide rides to military people, so it’s just a matter of looking in the phone book and making a few calls. If you're overseas, that might be more problematic. But groups such as The Navigators and other Christian outreaches often have people posted near military bases. And even though it may be hard to attend Sunday services every week, a good church should have small groups or regular Bible studies that you can participate in. It's important to worship God, but it's also important to have fellowship with and learn from your fellow believers.

As for finding a wife, I'll say beware, especially if you're overseas. (This from a guy who met and married his wife in Switzerland.) In a lot of places women see an American serviceman as a ticket to "the land of the big PX" and a quick Green Card. No, not every foreign-born woman is like this, but a certain number are. You need to show an extra measure of discernment on top of what you normally would in meeting women here in the States.

Even if you find an American who interests you, you face some restrictions that the average Boundless reader doesn’t—namely, that commissioned officers and enlisted personnel are not allowed to fraternize. Sometimes when you’re out in town in civvies, you can’t tell.

(True story: A Marine gunnery sergeant stationed in Japan had been teaching himself Japanese in order to improve his chances with the local women. He saw a beautiful woman at a restaurant off base and started to chat her up in his best Japanese. She just gave him a small smile and let him go on and on, finally interrupting him with perfect, Southern-accented English that sounded straight out of Gone With the Wind: "I can't understand a word ya’ll are sayin'." Turns out she was Japanese-American born and raised in Atlanta and didn’t speak a word of Japanese. Moreover, she was a Navy lieutenant, a commissioned officer, and he was an noncommissioned officer, meaning even if they’d hit it off, the relationship would have violated the rules.)

You're right, too, that crazy schedules in the military throw up another obstacle that most civilians don't face. Again, you’ll have to make the effort. Things won't simply fall into your lap. God doesn't usually work that way. But it is easier to steer a moving car than one that’s sitting still, so start moving, pray, and trust God for His best.

If I may be so bold, I also suggest reading a book addressed to specifically to people like you. Beyond that, I’ll throw it open to the Boundless crowd and see what advice they offer.

Comments

[1. Jimmie said the following at 9:30 AM on Jun 16:]

1

I'm in the Army and experience similar problems. Military ministries in local churches are becoming more and more common. I work at Fort Campbell, KY and frequently drive over an hour to Nashville, TN because I found a good group of friends to link up with down there. They understand my life is hectic and unreliable but we hang out when possible. As for the majority of the problems you are facing prayer is your best bet. What you are looking for does exist you just have to find it. As mentioned in the Navigators is a good resource as is Officer Christian Fellowship if you have an organization like that near you. You can also research churches online. They often mention their military ministries and might be more friendly to your unique situation. I would recommend prayer though above all. Many churches in military communities understand your life style and have built their ministries around that. For example I worked Awana one year and they would double book all the instructor slots and have extras on standby when things got busy on the base.

Just some ideas. There is a place for you to work; the hard part is finding it.

[2. hlc said the following at 9:42 AM on Jun 16:]

2

First off I want to thank you for your sacrifice in serving our country!! A few thoughts - I definitely agree with Tom that sometimes (although it is hard!), taking the initiative is key. As someone who has several friends with erratic schedules, the initial, awkward part of our friendship required them to be a little more proactive b/c I couldn't ever figure out when they were available. After a while it wasn't a big deal at all, but it was harder in the beginning.

I would also suggest some of the social networking sites, like Facebook. It can be a great way to reconnect with people and keep in touch with old friends. You may even get "introductions" from friends who have friends in that area. If you are a more introverted, private person it's easy enough to keep your friendlist small and not have to friend every person you went to high school with!! (one of my hs friends is very much an introvert and keeps her friendlist very small.) Also, if your church has a young adult group they may have a group or page where they post events and gatherings not during the "normal" time and allow you to get connected to people outside of church. Definitely look for other gatherings, bible studies, church services that your church offers. Hopefully you're able to attend at least one of those a week even if it's not the same one!

God bless! Hope you are able to connect in some way.

[3. NeedACatchyName said the following at 10:51 AM on Jun 16:]

3

I'm not in the military but I have several friends in the military, so most of what I write is based off of what they've told me based on their experiences.

On the church thing, what other people have said about finding a church to connect with off base is good advice, though that's not always an option, depending on the availability of transportation and your schedule. But if it is an option, that's probably your best bet. I think there is usually an on-base religious service option, and if the chaplain running it is good, then that could serve your religious needs, and possibly give an opportunity to fraternize with other soldiers who share your religious beliefs. Just be aware that most on-base services are going to be labeled either "Protestant" or "Catholic," so in the case of the Protestant service, it will be designed to be as generically Protestant as possible. In other words, if you're looking for theological distinctive such as strong reformed theology (which seems to be fairly popular with Boundless readers), you won't find it here.

The wife thing is tricky, and you certainly have my sympathies. For overseas deployment, I think that Tom gives a valid caution. Honestly, if you're going to just be overseas for a relatively short, fixed length of time before you return to the U.S. (like, say, a year or two), you might want to consider just postponing looking for a mate until after you get back to the U.S. I know that a couple of my friends who have been overseas have chosen to just focus on their military work while on a deployment, and then look for a mate when they return to the states.

For those who are in the U.S. it can still be difficult to find a mate. The military is still an overwhelmingly male occupation, so the male/female ratio can be ridiculously tilted towards males in military towns, which can make it very difficult for men to find a mate. I think the best solution might be to keep your contacts open "back home" (assuming you're from a different town than where you're stationed), and let your friends/relatives try and set you up with someone they know. That's not to say you won't find a mate in a military town, but having contacts back home where the male/female ratio is likely to be more favorable (because let's be honest, it really doesn't get much less favorable than a military town) is a good idea. And the person who "set you up" is likely to encourage you and help you get into the relationship, which is a big plus for introverted folks.

[4. L said the following at 11:01 AM on Jun 16:]

4

I know this will sound simplistic, but what i did was pray. I asked God to send me a special friend or two and he really did. It wasn't overnight. It took a while, but he sent me two amazing women of God who teach me alot everytime i am with them. Getting out there is important, but God loves to hear from us too.

[5. brx said the following at 11:08 AM on Jun 16:]

5

Tom has given some great advice. I'm an introvert too; though, with courage and Jesus' strength, I've kind of become an 'ambi-vert' having some tendencies for both.

Jesus can do the same for you with your prayerfully seeking His guidance and then acting on it. As a soldier, you've received some of the best training in the world - to have discipline & courage to do what needs to be done inspite of your selfish reservations. And, that training is applicable to all areas of our lives - in reaching out to community, in serving others, and eventually in serving a mate. You've got the discipline to handle busy schedules and that includes scheduling time for community and a future mate. It's not easy, but I have no doubt you can do it in Christ's strength because you love Him and you love what He loves: people!

BTW, normally, it's not a problem for officers and enlisted to attend church or Bible studies together. But, keep a short leash on any attraction development by reminding yourself they are unavailable to you - period. Also, your commanding officer is supposed to be trained to give you some guidance counseling...Christian or not, the very act of you humbly asking some of these questions to him/her could be a beautiful witness of your faith in Christ's providence.

So, man-up, soldier! God has prepared us! Seek His Word, be listening for His answers, and take those steps of faith to ask others. Tom is right - you can't steer a ship that isn't moving, much like you can't lead a dance partner that isn't lifting her feet.

I'll be praying for you!
Grace, peace, courage & adventure on the way with Jesus!

[6. BDB said the following at 1:52 PM on Jun 16:]

6

A good friend of mine graduated from West Point. He met his wife when stationed in Arizona for his MOS. She was the youth pastor of the Baptist church just off base.

He's from Western Washington. She had previously been doing graduate work in Nuclear Radiation Engineering in Alabama, before she felt God calling her into Ministry. Meeting in the Arizona desert is a remarkable example of God moving the pieces around.

Of course, she initially hit on his roommate, but still...

In August they are heading to Southeast Asia as missionaries, something they never thought they'd be doing when they got married 14 years ago.

On a tactical basis, Facebook seems to be working quite well for my military friends. They have Internet access, even while deployed to Iraq, so they can stay connected to an extent regardless of their physical location. It also helps their wives stay in contact with friends from each location as they move around. Facebook becomes an interesting support network for the spouses minding the fort while the service member is somewhere else for training, deployed, etc.

[7. Blessed said the following at 3:07 PM on Jun 16:]

7

Check out http://www.cadence.org/

They are a mission organization dedicated to serving our military at a few bases stateside and many overseas. They run "Hospitality Houses" off base where military members can go to have fellowship, worship and quite possibly the most meaningful Christian relationships of their lives. They serve both singles and families and have been a tremendous blessing to our family and to all the wonderful friends we made there.

[8. Brian Ramsey said the following at 3:33 PM on Jun 16:]

8

A word of encouragement:

My older sister is a marine, and she's recently been developing a greater depth of relationship with and understanding of God. She and our family had been praying that she'd find at least one person in her area with whom she could relate with in her faith.

She mentioned this to a classmate, and "coincidentally" he has been growing in a new-found passion for Christ. They have been an answer to prayer for each other.

I recommend at least mentioning what you're experiencing to people around you.

God might cause a "coincidence" to happen in a similar way.

[9. Sarah Jane said the following at 9:14 PM on Jun 16:]

9

Heya, Just wanted to pass some encouragement your way - it may seem simplistic, but I have seen God's grace in my life.

My boyfriend is in the AirForce. He is posted in a different city. And having journeyed together for the past 16 months plus, I have seen some of the challenges of establishing and maintaining relationships - on a friendship, fellowship and romantic basis.

However God is faithful. He introduced us at a wedding. Despite living in different parts of the country, He placed us in the same time at the same place 6 times over one summer. For each new posting He has placed people around my boyfriend, although it definately takes time. And I know that He will be faithful as I look to move to the same city as him.

My encouragement would be that God knows you, and how you work, He knows the challenges you face, and He knows the blessing & people He wishes to place in your life. I will be praying for you!

[10. Rachael said the following at 10:23 PM on Jun 16:]

10

I wonder if many of us crave a treasurable friendship in the vicinity or a church that 'really fits'. I would love both of those. I'm in a spot where I have no treasurable friendships in my city, unless you count my husband. "But you're married!" one may think. Yes. But it would still be nice to have a good friend that doesn't live too far away. Retired people are nice. It's interesting living on a small island. I've interacted with people on small talk level. I'm an introvert, and my heart isn't quite into simply small talk. A quality conversation with a friend is a treasure.

But...this is where I am. Does the Bible say you must find a very deep and special friend, or group of friends, in whom you can find a lot of fulfillment? ...no.

Sure it's icing on the cake. And there very well may be those people in the vicinity of those of us who are currently without special friends who live nearby.

I wrote this awhile ago:

"Love can be lived in small ways in friendships of presence. Offering to help in the kitchen. Helping someone move. Showing up to a wedding. These presents are all acts of presence that can be remembered and appreciated by the recipient and practically forgotten by the giver."

Right now there are likely some readers who feel like many of their interactions are with 'friends of presence' and aren't really deep...

But...love can still be shown. That's what I'd like to remember and practice... I want to grow more comfortable with not having a close friend who I see at church or in a group. Sure it would be nice. And very likely I'll again be in the situation where I regularly or somewhat regularly see a good friend at church or somewhere...

But for now...this is where I'm at...I do have good friends. I realize, though, that I don't see good friends regularly, and I realize that people come and go...

But God is there...

[11. Rachael said the following at 10:26 PM on Jun 16:]

11

(Oh, "where I have no treasurable friendships in my city" sounds bad...basically I don't have any close friends outside my husband who live too near.)

[12. Charlene said the following at 9:05 AM on Jun 17:]

12

Food for thought: some churches have locators on their website. For example, Assemblies of God have a locator program that will show you a listing of the affiliated churches near your current zip code. They also list other countries as well.

[13. BDB said the following at 11:13 AM on Jun 17:]

13

Praying about where to find a good church can work well, too.

I attended a good church in college. I went once with a fellow student, but didn't have a car and quickly forgot where it was.

After I had a car, working at an English-language school during the summer, I was thinking about this again. I saw a flier for the local airports - they were charging a penny a pound for short intro flights in light aircraft. I thought this would be a neat thing to take the students to.

When I got there, while the students were flying, I was talking with one of the owners. It turned out that they were missionaries with Mission Aviation Fellowship. And THEY knew where that specific church was, and gave me directions to it. That's a "divine appointment."

After graduating from college I moved to a new city. I drove around a bit looking at churches. One, in a commercial complex near my apartment, had "worship team practice - Tuesdays 7pm" on the window. I thought that sounded promising.

So one day, during the week, I went into the office and asked them where the nearest Bible bookstore was. She gave me directions to two. I thought this was a very good sign, and I've been attending that church ever since.

[14. Rachael said the following at 11:26 AM on Jun 17:]

14

Contentment. I want to grow in this area, and I probably never will be a complete master.

But, in case it helps anyone left wanting (in whatever area: relationships, circumstance change, whatever..)

There's that all-familiar passage found in Philippians 4. Right after saying he learned the secret of being content, Paul wrote in vs. 13 that he "can do all things through him [God] who strengthens [Paul]."

But here's another cool passage that might not be as familiar:

“Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.”

-1 Timothy 6:6-8

[15. BDB said the following at 11:53 AM on Jun 17:]

15

Living on an island in Puget Sound is definitely different than in a cramped city. There are fewer neighbors. Some of my friends kept a small apartment in town close to work while their "real" home was on an island. My grandparents did this for a number of years, though they were retired also. At 90, they moved to the assisted-living retirement home about 1/4 mile from the apartment they had for years.

[16. Meghan said the following at 2:20 PM on Jun 17:]

16

Being in the military, I've had the same issues--and here I had been thinking "girl to guy ratio in the military will work in my favor!" However, even so, the Lord has really been good in blessing me with mentors -- relationships that may be more relatively available in the immediate vicinity for you, and that can help you with the search for a mate, as well. When I got up to my station in Alaska, I knew I needed to find a church -- I kind of flipped open the phone book, and then started checking out mission statements on-line. I had to check a few out before finally finding one I settled into. Even so, it wasn't one with a lot of singles, but I was immediately plugged into strong Christian couples who were friends, spiritual parents, and role models all roled into one. I joined Officer Christian Fellowship -- it was quite scary to show up on someone's doorstep cold (literally. . .it was an Alaskan winter), without prior in-person introduction, for my first OCF bible study. . .but after a few weeks, I had some of the best mentors of my life. It's still hard, especially with deployement, to meet single Christians -- but no matter how much you (I know I did) cringe inside thinking of ascending those steps to a stranger's house for a bible study -- it is worth it -- and who knows, perhaps someday a similar Believer of the opposite sex will walk through the door looking for the same partner to live a Christian life with in tandem. Maybe the mentors you develop there will introduce you to someone. The hardest part is sometimes charging in -- but bravely charging in to the fight is your calling -- keep that fire kindled on the church steps as well as on the base -- on that bible study doorstep as well as in the Sandbox. And, the Lord will be with you in all cases. There is no greater ally to be found.

[17. Chris Ashton said the following at 7:00 PM on Jun 18:]

17

As a former police officer, I know how difficult it is to be involved in a church as a shift worker. And in the same way that U.S. military chaplains may or may not be believers, Aussie police chaplains are likewise a mixed bag.

One assumption that the letter writer makes is that God wants him to be in the military. He says:

I know the military is the right place for me to be. I don’t have any doubts this is where God wants me, but I am so isolated. The closest I get to church is by podcasting the Boundless show and several churches that post their sermons online.

Obviously, his being in the military is not outside God's sovereign will and providence, but it may be contrary to His commanded will. Hebrews 10.25 for example, commands us not to neglect meeting with other believers. It says nothing about sermon podcasts!

I don't want to suggest that this man should not be in the military, and I thank God for faithful men and women in the armed forces, and for the chaplains and Christian organizations that serve them. But I think that it's wrong to assume that God wants you in the military, especially when, by your own choosing, you're in a situation where you are isolated from fellowship, and where it so difficult for you to obey Him.

[18. -Z said the following at 8:14 AM on Jun 19:]

18

First off, many thanks to Tom Neven and everybody else for your advice and prayers. I will be checking out the recommended book, websites, and organizations.

To clarify a few points...

I am currently stationed overseas at a very small specialty unit. There is usually eight of us, mixed officer and enlisted. (I am an officer) There was another Christian here for part of my tour, but now I am the only one. Due to the location here, I don't have access to any Christian churches of any denomination, and our unit doesn't have a chaplain. (Yes, I am being vague about location on purpose, sorry)

I should be back in the states in about 6 months or so, I have already been researching the most likely bases I will be at next to try to find a church there.

In regards to #17, I didn't go into detail about my joining, but before I signed I spent almost 2 years praying through the options with my family and friends and we were all in agreement. Also, there were far too many 'coincidences' throughout the process where a delay of even 2 days would have blocked me, but everything lined up perfectly. I have also grown far more in my short years of service then I did as throughout most of my civilian life.

[19. BDB said the following at 2:16 PM on Jun 19:]

19

-Z (#18) wrote:

>>I am currently stationed overseas at a very small specialty unit. There is usually eight of us, mixed officer and enlisted.<<

Oh, one of THOSE units. Gotcha.

You may need to think of your deployments like mission trips. Not that you're doing missionary work, but you're working.

I know missionaries who are working while they are overseas - rescuing children from prostitution is not an activity that lends itself to dating, for example.

A surprising number of missionaries are prior military. Mission Aviation Fellowship was founded by WWII pilots who realized aircraft was by for the best way to get missionaries and medical supplies to and from villages where there are no roads.

Consider that this time is not primarily for you to find a mate, but for God to teach you how to operate in the mission field where you must rely on yourself more than in a comfy suburban church community. You'll need to develop your own spiritual disciplines, which will be helpful in the future when you are leading something somewhere remote.

I've met several women who've felt called to missions, and have the guts and independence to function in a foreign country, without a lot of modern conveniences, far from family. But they get tired of doing it alone. Seriously consider the missions possibility. The skills you develop on your deployments are transferrable.

[20. Meghan said the following at 2:54 PM on Jun 19:]

20

Well, based on your clarification as to your circumstances, I suppose my earlier advice can wait till you move back stateside. For now, just patience. Remember that every so often even Jesus went off by himself in the wilderness -- forty days and nights, if I remember correctly. Kind of a remote tour in itself.
Sounds like you've already got the right moves planned out for when you get back to the states. . .finding a church, plugging in. Keep getting in the Word on your own until then, and I think you'll do just fine getting back in the swing of things at the new church you find.
"Like cold water to a weary soul, is good news from a distant land"
Prov. 25:25

[1. Jimmie said the following at 9:30 AM on Jun 16:]

1

I'm in the Army and experience similar problems. Military ministries in local churches are becoming more and more common. I work at Fort Campbell, KY and frequently drive over an hour to Nashville, TN because I found a good group of friends to link up with down there. They understand my life is hectic and unreliable but we hang out when possible. As for the majority of the problems you are facing prayer is your best bet. What you are looking for does exist you just have to find it. As mentioned in the Navigators is a good resource as is Officer Christian Fellowship if you have an organization like that near you. You can also research churches online. They often mention their military ministries and might be more friendly to your unique situation. I would recommend prayer though above all. Many churches in military communities understand your life style and have built their ministries around that. For example I worked Awana one year and they would double book all the instructor slots and have extras on standby when things got busy on the base.

Just some ideas. There is a place for you to work; the hard part is finding it.

[2. hlc said the following at 9:42 AM on Jun 16:]

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First off I want to thank you for your sacrifice in serving our country!! A few thoughts - I definitely agree with Tom that sometimes (although it is hard!), taking the initiative is key. As someone who has several friends with erratic schedules, the initial, awkward part of our friendship required them to be a little more proactive b/c I couldn't ever figure out when they were available. After a while it wasn't a big deal at all, but it was harder in the beginning.

I would also suggest some of the social networking sites, like Facebook. It can be a great way to reconnect with people and keep in touch with old friends. You may even get "introductions" from friends who have friends in that area. If you are a more introverted, private person it's easy enough to keep your friendlist small and not have to friend every person you went to high school with!! (one of my hs friends is very much an introvert and keeps her friendlist very small.) Also, if your church has a young adult group they may have a group or page where they post events and gatherings not during the "normal" time and allow you to get connected to people outside of church. Definitely look for other gatherings, bible studies, church services that your church offers. Hopefully you're able to attend at least one of those a week even if it's not the same one!

God bless! Hope you are able to connect in some way.

[3. NeedACatchyName said the following at 10:51 AM on Jun 16:]

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I'm not in the military but I have several friends in the military, so most of what I write is based off of what they've told me based on their experiences.

On the church thing, what other people have said about finding a church to connect with off base is good advice, though that's not always an option, depending on the availability of transportation and your schedule. But if it is an option, that's probably your best bet. I think there is usually an on-base religious service option, and if the chaplain running it is good, then that could serve your religious needs, and possibly give an opportunity to fraternize with other soldiers who share your religious beliefs. Just be aware that most on-base services are going to be labeled either "Protestant" or "Catholic," so in the case of the Protestant service, it will be designed to be as generically Protestant as possible. In other words, if you're looking for theological distinctive such as strong reformed theology (which seems to be fairly popular with Boundless readers), you won't find it here.

The wife thing is tricky, and you certainly have my sympathies. For overseas deployment, I think that Tom gives a valid caution. Honestly, if you're going to just be overseas for a relatively short, fixed length of time before you return to the U.S. (like, say, a year or two), you might want to consider just postponing looking for a mate until after you get back to the U.S. I know that a couple of my friends who have been overseas have chosen to just focus on their military work while on a deployment, and then look for a mate when they return to the states.

For those who are in the U.S. it can still be difficult to find a mate. The military is still an overwhelmingly male occupation, so the male/female ratio can be ridiculously tilted towards males in military towns, which can make it very difficult for men to find a mate. I think the best solution might be to keep your contacts open "back home" (assuming you're from a different town than where you're stationed), and let your friends/relatives try and set you up with someone they know. That's not to say you won't find a mate in a military town, but having contacts back home where the male/female ratio is likely to be more favorable (because let's be honest, it really doesn't get much less favorable than a military town) is a good idea. And the person who "set you up" is likely to encourage you and help you get into the relationship, which is a big plus for introverted folks.

[4. L said the following at 11:01 AM on Jun 16:]

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I know this will sound simplistic, but what i did was pray. I asked God to send me a special friend or two and he really did. It wasn't overnight. It took a while, but he sent me two amazing women of God who teach me alot everytime i am with them. Getting out there is important, but God loves to hear from us too.

[5. brx said the following at 11:08 AM on Jun 16:]

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Tom has given some great advice. I'm an introvert too; though, with courage and Jesus' strength, I've kind of become an 'ambi-vert' having some tendencies for both.

Jesus can do the same for you with your prayerfully seeking His guidance and then acting on it. As a soldier, you've received some of the best training in the world - to have discipline & courage to do what needs to be done inspite of your selfish reservations. And, that training is applicable to all areas of our lives - in reaching out to community, in serving others, and eventually in serving a mate. You've got the discipline to handle busy schedules and that includes scheduling time for community and a future mate. It's not easy, but I have no doubt you can do it in Christ's strength because you love Him and you love what He loves: people!

BTW, normally, it's not a problem for officers and enlisted to attend church or Bible studies together. But, keep a short leash on any attraction development by reminding yourself they are unavailable to you - period. Also, your commanding officer is supposed to be trained to give you some guidance counseling...Christian or not, the very act of you humbly asking some of these questions to him/her could be a beautiful witness of your faith in Christ's providence.

So, man-up, soldier! God has prepared us! Seek His Word, be listening for His answers, and take those steps of faith to ask others. Tom is right - you can't steer a ship that isn't moving, much like you can't lead a dance partner that isn't lifting her feet.

I'll be praying for you!
Grace, peace, courage & adventure on the way with Jesus!

[6. BDB said the following at 1:52 PM on Jun 16:]

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A good friend of mine graduated from West Point. He met his wife when stationed in Arizona for his MOS. She was the youth pastor of the Baptist church just off base.

He's from Western Washington. She had previously been doing graduate work in Nuclear Radiation Engineering in Alabama, before she felt God calling her into Ministry. Meeting in the Arizona desert is a remarkable example of God moving the pieces around.

Of course, she initially hit on his roommate, but still...

In August they are heading to Southeast Asia as missionaries, something they never thought they'd be doing when they got married 14 years ago.

On a tactical basis, Facebook seems to be working quite well for my military friends. They have Internet access, even while deployed to Iraq, so they can stay connected to an extent regardless of their physical location. It also helps their wives stay in contact with friends from each location as they move around. Facebook becomes an interesting support network for the spouses minding the fort while the service member is somewhere else for training, deployed, etc.

[7. Blessed said the following at 3:07 PM on Jun 16:]

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Check out http://www.cadence.org/

They are a mission organization dedicated to serving our military at a few bases stateside and many overseas. They run "Hospitality Houses" off base where military members can go to have fellowship, worship and quite possibly the most meaningful Christian relationships of their lives. They serve both singles and families and have been a tremendous blessing to our family and to all the wonderful friends we made there.

[8. Brian Ramsey said the following at 3:33 PM on Jun 16:]

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A word of encouragement:

My older sister is a marine, and she's recently been developing a greater depth of relationship with and understanding of God. She and our family had been praying that she'd find at least one person in her area with whom she could relate with in her faith.

She mentioned this to a classmate, and "coincidentally" he has been growing in a new-found passion for Christ. They have been an answer to prayer for each other.

I recommend at least mentioning what you're experiencing to people around you.

God might cause a "coincidence" to happen in a similar way.

[9. Sarah Jane said the following at 9:14 PM on Jun 16:]

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Heya, Just wanted to pass some encouragement your way - it may seem simplistic, but I have seen God's grace in my life.

My boyfriend is in the AirForce. He is posted in a different city. And having journeyed together for the past 16 months plus, I have seen some of the challenges of establishing and maintaining relationships - on a friendship, fellowship and romantic basis.

However God is faithful. He introduced us at a wedding. Despite living in different parts of the country, He placed us in the same time at the same place 6 times over one summer. For each new posting He has placed people around my boyfriend, although it definately takes time. And I know that He will be faithful as I look to move to the same city as him.

My encouragement would be that God knows you, and how you work, He knows the challenges you face, and He knows the blessing & people He wishes to place in your life. I will be praying for you!

[10. Rachael said the following at 10:23 PM on Jun 16:]

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I wonder if many of us crave a treasurable friendship in the vicinity or a church that 'really fits'. I would love both of those. I'm in a spot where I have no treasurable friendships in my city, unless you count my husband. "But you're married!" one may think. Yes. But it would still be nice to have a good friend that doesn't live too far away. Retired people are nice. It's interesting living on a small island. I've interacted with people on small talk level. I'm an introvert, and my heart isn't quite into simply small talk. A quality conversation with a friend is a treasure.

But...this is where I am. Does the Bible say you must find a very deep and special friend, or group of friends, in whom you can find a lot of fulfillment? ...no.

Sure it's icing on the cake. And there very well may be those people in the vicinity of those of us who are currently without special friends who live nearby.

I wrote this awhile ago:

"Love can be lived in small ways in friendships of presence. Offering to help in the kitchen. Helping someone move. Showing up to a wedding. These presents are all acts of presence that can be remembered and appreciated by the recipient and practically forgotten by the giver."

Right now there are likely some readers who feel like many of their interactions are with 'friends of presence' and aren't really deep...

But...love can still be shown. That's what I'd like to remember and practice... I want to grow more comfortable with not having a close friend who I see at church or in a group. Sure it would be nice. And very likely I'll again be in the situation where I regularly or somewhat regularly see a good friend at church or somewhere...

But for now...this is where I'm at...I do have good friends. I realize, though, that I don't see good friends regularly, and I realize that people come and go...

But God is there...

[11. Rachael said the following at 10:26 PM on Jun 16:]

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(Oh, "where I have no treasurable friendships in my city" sounds bad...basically I don't have any close friends outside my husband who live too near.)

[12. Charlene said the following at 9:05 AM on Jun 17:]

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Food for thought: some churches have locators on their website. For example, Assemblies of God have a locator program that will show you a listing of the affiliated churches near your current zip code. They also list other countries as well.

[13. BDB said the following at 11:13 AM on Jun 17:]

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Praying about where to find a good church can work well, too.

I attended a good church in college. I went once with a fellow student, but didn't have a car and quickly forgot where it was.

After I had a car, working at an English-language school during the summer, I was thinking about this again. I saw a flier for the local airports - they were charging a penny a pound for short intro flights in light aircraft. I thought this would be a neat thing to take the students to.

When I got there, while the students were flying, I was talking with one of the owners. It turned out that they were missionaries with Mission Aviation Fellowship. And THEY knew where that specific church was, and gave me directions to it. That's a "divine appointment."

After graduating from college I moved to a new city. I drove around a bit looking at churches. One, in a commercial complex near my apartment, had "worship team practice - Tuesdays 7pm" on the window. I thought that sounded promising.

So one day, during the week, I went into the office and asked them where the nearest Bible bookstore was. She gave me directions to two. I thought this was a very good sign, and I've been attending that church ever since.

[14. Rachael said the following at 11:26 AM on Jun 17:]

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Contentment. I want to grow in this area, and I probably never will be a complete master.

But, in case it helps anyone left wanting (in whatever area: relationships, circumstance change, whatever..)

There's that all-familiar passage found in Philippians 4. Right after saying he learned the secret of being content, Paul wrote in vs. 13 that he "can do all things through him [God] who strengthens [Paul]."

But here's another cool passage that might not be as familiar:

“Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.”

-1 Timothy 6:6-8

[15. BDB said the following at 11:53 AM on Jun 17:]

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Living on an island in Puget Sound is definitely different than in a cramped city. There are fewer neighbors. Some of my friends kept a small apartment in town close to work while their "real" home was on an island. My grandparents did this for a number of years, though they were retired also. At 90, they moved to the assisted-living retirement home about 1/4 mile from the apartment they had for years.

[16. Meghan said the following at 2:20 PM on Jun 17:]

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Being in the military, I've had the same issues--and here I had been thinking "girl to guy ratio in the military will work in my favor!" However, even so, the Lord has really been good in blessing me with mentors -- relationships that may be more relatively available in the immediate vicinity for you, and that can help you with the search for a mate, as well. When I got up to my station in Alaska, I knew I needed to find a church -- I kind of flipped open the phone book, and then started checking out mission statements on-line. I had to check a few out before finally finding one I settled into. Even so, it wasn't one with a lot of singles, but I was immediately plugged into strong Christian couples who were friends, spiritual parents, and role models all roled into one. I joined Officer Christian Fellowship -- it was quite scary to show up on someone's doorstep cold (literally. . .it was an Alaskan winter), without prior in-person introduction, for my first OCF bible study. . .but after a few weeks, I had some of the best mentors of my life. It's still hard, especially with deployement, to meet single Christians -- but no matter how much you (I know I did) cringe inside thinking of ascending those steps to a stranger's house for a bible study -- it is worth it -- and who knows, perhaps someday a similar Believer of the opposite sex will walk through the door looking for the same partner to live a Christian life with in tandem. Maybe the mentors you develop there will introduce you to someone. The hardest part is sometimes charging in -- but bravely charging in to the fight is your calling -- keep that fire kindled on the church steps as well as on the base -- on that bible study doorstep as well as in the Sandbox. And, the Lord will be with you in all cases. There is no greater ally to be found.

[17. Chris Ashton said the following at 7:00 PM on Jun 18:]

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As a former police officer, I know how difficult it is to be involved in a church as a shift worker. And in the same way that U.S. military chaplains may or may not be believers, Aussie police chaplains are likewise a mixed bag.

One assumption that the letter writer makes is that God wants him to be in the military. He says:

I know the military is the right place for me to be. I don’t have any doubts this is where God wants me, but I am so isolated. The closest I get to church is by podcasting the Boundless show and several churches that post their sermons online.

Obviously, his being in the military is not outside God's sovereign will and providence, but it may be contrary to His commanded will. Hebrews 10.25 for example, commands us not to neglect meeting with other believers. It says nothing about sermon podcasts!

I don't want to suggest that this man should not be in the military, and I thank God for faithful men and women in the armed forces, and for the chaplains and Christian organizations that serve them. But I think that it's wrong to assume that God wants you in the military, especially when, by your own choosing, you're in a situation where you are isolated from fellowship, and where it so difficult for you to obey Him.

[18. -Z said the following at 8:14 AM on Jun 19:]

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First off, many thanks to Tom Neven and everybody else for your advice and prayers. I will be checking out the recommended book, websites, and organizations.

To clarify a few points...

I am currently stationed overseas at a very small specialty unit. There is usually eight of us, mixed officer and enlisted. (I am an officer) There was another Christian here for part of my tour, but now I am the only one. Due to the location here, I don't have access to any Christian churches of any denomination, and our unit doesn't have a chaplain. (Yes, I am being vague about location on purpose, sorry)

I should be back in the states in about 6 months or so, I have already been researching the most likely bases I will be at next to try to find a church there.

In regards to #17, I didn't go into detail about my joining, but before I signed I spent almost 2 years praying through the options with my family and friends and we were all in agreement. Also, there were far too many 'coincidences' throughout the process where a delay of even 2 days would have blocked me, but everything lined up perfectly. I have also grown far more in my short years of service then I did as throughout most of my civilian life.

[19. BDB said the following at 2:16 PM on Jun 19:]

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-Z (#18) wrote:

>>I am currently stationed overseas at a very small specialty unit. There is usually eight of us, mixed officer and enlisted.<<

Oh, one of THOSE units. Gotcha.

You may need to think of your deployments like mission trips. Not that you're doing missionary work, but you're working.

I know missionaries who are working while they are overseas - rescuing children from prostitution is not an activity that lends itself to dating, for example.

A surprising number of missionaries are prior military. Mission Aviation Fellowship was founded by WWII pilots who realized aircraft was by for the best way to get missionaries and medical supplies to and from villages where there are no roads.

Consider that this time is not primarily for you to find a mate, but for God to teach you how to operate in the mission field where you must rely on yourself more than in a comfy suburban church community. You'll need to develop your own spiritual disciplines, which will be helpful in the future when you are leading something somewhere remote.

I've met several women who've felt called to missions, and have the guts and independence to function in a foreign country, without a lot of modern conveniences, far from family. But they get tired of doing it alone. Seriously consider the missions possibility. The skills you develop on your deployments are transferrable.

[20. Meghan said the following at 2:54 PM on Jun 19:]

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Well, based on your clarification as to your circumstances, I suppose my earlier advice can wait till you move back stateside. For now, just patience. Remember that every so often even Jesus went off by himself in the wilderness -- forty days and nights, if I remember correctly. Kind of a remote tour in itself.
Sounds like you've already got the right moves planned out for when you get back to the states. . .finding a church, plugging in. Keep getting in the Word on your own until then, and I think you'll do just fine getting back in the swing of things at the new church you find.
"Like cold water to a weary soul, is good news from a distant land"
Prov. 25:25