Sexual Purity: a Matter of the Heart

Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with a friend and she mentioned how maintaining physical boundaries with her boyfriend was a lot more difficult than she expected. "I mean, we're not teenagers anymore!" she said. Basically, maintaining physical purity—even in a relationship consisting of two committed Christians—was more difficult than anticipated. Anyone relate?

My brother is a youth pastor, so I've thought a great deal about the messages Christian teens receive about sex from the church. Most of it is of the "true love waits" variety. If you ask, "Why does true love wait?" the party line answer is that sex will be more fulfilling if you do. Plus, you'll avoid those nasty consequences that label you with a social stigma—such as getting pregnant out of wedlock.

But the meaning of sex and God's call for purity goes so much further than that simplistic presentation. I recently read Theology of the Body for Beginners by Christopher West. The book really transformed my thinking on sex and chastity. Maintaining purity as a believer is not just about controlling inappropriate sexual behaviors and managing consequences, it is about allowing God to transform your heart and whole way of thinking. I wrote the following in today's featured article "Leaving the Edge:"

If you are in a relationship—even a godly one—a whole universe of purity choices presents itself. Is kissing OK? What about making out? What touch is appropriate and what touch is sinful? On the ladder of physical expressions that ends with sexual intercourse, at what level does one begin sinning?

The flaw in these questions is that the emphasis is on the wrong thing: the behaviors. Purity is a heart issue. Luke 6:45 says: "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart."

This is a heart issue. Even self-control, as needed as it is, only manages sexuality. In response to my article, Daniel Weiss Senior Analyst for Media and Sexuality for Focus on the Family Action wrote the following:

One thing I would have added in this article is the idea of sacrificing a lesser love for a greater one. We sacrifice what we want now, for what we are promised in the future. I sacrifice sexual touch with my girlfriend now to enjoy uninhibited, chaste, complete intimacy with her later. Or, I sacrifice sexual activity in this life in order to experience the full communion of the saints in the next. These aren’t theoretical; but very real choices with eternal payoffs.

The main truth we need to grasp as believers is that God has a radically different—and infinitely better—design for sex than the world delivers. And keeping in step with the Spirit by embracing purity at every stage allows sex to be what God intended—a sacrificial covenant seal that reflects Him. Since the Garden of Eden, Satan has been trying to convince us to take something less than God's full deal for us. Pushing physical boundaries in relationships does exactly that. When we leave the edge, God has so much more for us.

Comments

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1. Pete said the following at 7:00 PM on May 5:

It's unhealthy for the church to be so focused on sex. If church leaders would stop harping on this issue, perhaps everyone could get their minds on more worthy things. In fetishizing virginity and abstinence the church loses perspective. It's just weird.

2. Clare Marie-Therese Duroc said the following at 7:18 PM on May 5:

If you have the opportunity, the original Theology of the Body by John Paul II is a deep and fascinating read. I'm only about 10 chapters in, but there's some really eye-opening, and really very moving, stuff in there.

3. Emily said the following at 7:49 PM on May 5:

Christopher West is a wonderful, encouraging teacher. I've been privaleged to attend 2 of his conferences, and I've come away with a better understanding of God's design for me as a woman, and of His design for how I should relate to men. Of course, human relationships are simply a dim picture of Christ's selfless gift of love through sacrifice and the Church's open receipt and response. The Theology of the Body has been a great discovery for me and my family.

4. RuRu said the following at 8:41 PM on May 5:

I think that there is a better than the how far is too far or what is ok? " The focus is on appeasing the flesh enough not on the pursuit of holiness. The better question is: "what can I do in order to protect this person's purity and further them in seeking the God?"

5. K.L. said the following at 11:25 PM on May 5:

A couple weeks ago, one of the ministers at my church was speaking to my college class on sex and relationships. One of the questions that were asked was, "What exactly is sexual immorality?". He basically responded by saying that sexual immorality is anything that you do to seek sexual satisfaction outside of marriage. Now, I'm already very conservative when it comes to sexual purity, but this really helped solidify my beliefs on the topic of "how far is too far."

6. brx said the following at 1:15 AM on May 6:

Sometimes in analyzing it's helpful to consider the extremes and prayerfully seek the right balance.

Talks in Christian culture circles have often covered what complete lack of purity looks like, but not complete purity. Consider two Christians genuinely contending for purity and genuinely wanting to know if they'd make a good match for marriage. If their minds are completely turned away from sexual thoughts such that purity is without question... how do they even know any sexual attraction exists between them?

In practice, working the whole thing out in faith requires lots of communication, humility, trust, and courage in confronting the totally awkward.

Grace, trust, peace & adventure!
PS: security must be in Christ, not in what the other thinks of you; else, you'll never be free to be yourself.

7. LouiseinPA said the following at 8:05 AM on May 6:

I have also read Christopher West's book and found it very helpful.
Pete, I would disagree with you about churches placing too much emphasis on sexuality. I think what churches need to do more of is explaining WHY sexuality and chastity are so central to spiritual formation rather than simply present a list of Dos and Don'ts. West does this beautiful (well, really Pope John Paul II b/c West is just explaining the Pope's writings).

The Pope talks about how sex outside marriage is fundamentally selfish because it is not within the covenant of marriage. This selfishness and lack of understanding of real, self giving love is exactly what plagues our society today.

8. Abby said the following at 8:30 AM on May 6:

Sexuality is not in and of itself sinful. God made it, He blessed it.
There is nothing wrong with looking at your boyfriend/girlfriend and saying "I want to have sex with them."
There is nothing wrong with wanting to do the most intimate thing two people can do with the one you love most.
As two people get to know each other and draw nearer to each other, they are evaluating if this is the person they want to run through life with, if this is the person they want to become one with.
Sex makes the invisible union of two people/souls, visible.
Sex is the physical representation of the two becoming one (praying together, talking together, experiencing life together, maturing together).
So, sex outside of marriage is wrong because sex is the act of marriage.
In the 1600's, marriage vows included "With my body, I thee worship..."
Can you tell I like Theology of the Body? :)

9. Pete said the following at 9:43 AM on May 6:

"sexuality and chastity are so central to spiritual formation"

This is where the church goes wrong. By making such a big deal out of sex, we've got everyone in church sensitized to the activity to unhealthy proportions. The attitudes of the unchurched often seem sane and natural in comparison.

I also do not think that the Pope is in a good position to instruct everyone about sexuality. That so many are learning about sex from the pope should raise an eyebrow.

10. Lola said the following at 10:05 AM on May 6:

Abby #8,

you said: "There is nothing wrong with looking at your boyfriend/girlfriend and saying 'I want to have sex with them'."

It is in fact sinful to want to have sex with anyone to whom we are not married. As such we should avoid all situations/relationships that cause us to want to have sex with anyone but our husband/wife. Matthew 5:27-30.

11. LouiseinPA said the following at 10:31 AM on May 6:

Pete-please elaborate on why the now deceased Pope is not in a good position to instruct people on chastity. What in your opinion ins a natural or proper attitude towards sexuality? How should we as Christians respond?

12. Pete said the following at 11:38 AM on May 6:

#11: well, if the goal is to learn how to handle life-long chastity, popes might have something to say. But the concern is prior: in fetishizing chastity and abstinence, the church is exacerbating its difficulty with sex while losing sight of many important issues.

13. Abby said the following at 12:14 PM on May 6:

Lola,
I worded that poorly, I apologize.
Let me clarify.
I meant to say that I do not think it is wrong to say "I would like my sexual experience in marriage to be with that person." Without any lustful thoughts, detailed plans, or objectification. Much along the line of "I want my future life to be with that person."
Pete,
I am curious as to how the church is "fetishizing" chastity and abstinence. Do you object to them being taught? Actually sex is a worldwide issue ranging from multi-billion porn industries to child prostitution to rape to an AIDS pandemic.
Theology of the Body is not just about sex, it is about how we interact as humans. The basic principle is that because the body and soul are intertwined, violence against the body is violence against the soul.

14. Pete said the following at 12:35 PM on May 6:

#13: To be sure, there are plenty of very concrete dangers associated with sex. Sexual activity is also wonderful and valuable in many obvious ways. The church introduces problems, however, when it over-spiritualizes sex and tries to attribute to it an even greater significance. This is why many Christians are more obsessed with sexuality than their secular peers--despite the sublime and eternal plans which God has revealed to them. Sufficient to sexuality are the wonders and dangers that it already has.

15. Jo said the following at 4:03 PM on May 6:

Lola,
"It is in fact sinful to want to have sex with anyone to whom we are not married."

Firstly, temptation isn't sin. Secondly, a person doesn't magically switch from not wanting to have sex to wanting to have sex the moment the minister says 'man and wife'. Abby re-worded what she said, but I actually prefer her first attempt because it's more direct. Of course a person should want to have sex with their fiance - why would you agree to marry someone you didn't want to have sex with? This is the sort of thing Christians don't say because it's so easily misconstrued, but it should be said because it's true!

Of course I'm defining want as a general desire, and not as dwelling on the idea to the point where it becomes destructive.

16. The G said the following at 1:50 AM on May 7:

Surely popes aren't limited in their wisdom to only speak on what they have personally experienced any more than a layman -the religious are, you know, educated, and they actually do interact with real people. If anything, I suspect their own chastity gives them spiritual clarity that someone who has personal physical experiences to juggle might lack.

In any case, John Paul the Great was known to be a particularly insightful priest who gave good counsel. Beyond Theology of the Body, his book Love and Responsibility, written before his pontificate, has been said to change lives.

I just came across this earlier today; it indicates that popes can very well understand the nature of sexuality:

http://www.lifesitenews.com/ldn/2008/jul/08072506.html

17. Nawanda said the following at 7:03 AM on May 7:

Casting crowns sings a song called "It's a slow fade":

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

One never just falls into sin, especially sexual sin, it always start with a small temptation, over a usually LOOOONG period of time.. the Devil is patient.. he knows where you are weak... but luckily, when we are WEAK.. God is Strong!! :)

blessings!

18. Lola said the following at 8:02 AM on May 8:

Jo #15,

I wasn't referring to temptation. I was talking about lust.

What is lust if it is not the desire to have sex with a person to whom you are not married? [Matthew 5:27-30]

On temptation, read James 1:13-18. There is nothing godly or positive about temptation.

19. Jo said the following at 11:29 AM on May 8:

Lola,

There is a difference between a friendship and a dating relationship. If you're dating someone, there is an aspect to your attraction towards them that does not exist in friendship.

Now you can call that special male-female attraction any number of things (romance, chemistry), but it is fundamentally sexual, isn't it? Not in the sense that as soon as you think of that person you have to start lusting after them, but it's all part of the God-given desire for intimacy with another person (physical as well as emotional) that drives us towards marriage.

You obviously don't have to sit around fantastising about having sex with your boyfriend; you can choose not to indulge the desire by acting on it or dwelling on it lustfully. But underneath all that self-control (which is right), there is a natural and good desire for intimacy with that person. So it isn't wrong to acknowledge that, and it isn't even wrong to be tempted by it (although I agree with you that temptation isn't something we should welcome!). The underlying desire is not bad, it's created by God and it's a wonderful thing in its proper context, which is marriage. Before marriage we are not to act on that desire, but I think we can be aware of it without sinning one bit.