 |
 In Defense of Pick-Up Lines
| ||||||||||||
 |
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Okay, my title is a bit misleading. But “In Defense of Klutzes Who Spout Pick-Up Lines Without Realizing It” wouldn’t fit.
You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.
Tom, you poor thing! I think your main problem was in the staring. A guy asking me, "Don't I know you from somewhere?" doesn't creep me out at all. Staring while bagging groceries, however...she probably figured you were memorizing all the items she was purchasing, and were going to make some weird, stalkerish move as a result.
I too was once falsely accused of trying to pick up a girl. I was at the mall, and saw I girl I thought was from my church. I came up from behind her and gave out my best "HI!".
She turned around, and was someone else, and I then said, "sorry, I thought you were someone else..." She was quite indignant and sneered back at me with distain.."Yah, I bet you did!" LOL
Tom! LOVE the story! Thank you so much for this little reminder. I think us girls often get so tired of the lame pick up lines that we actually get to the point where we don't trust any nice guy just saying hello. (or what happened to me this weekend-standing outside the train station a guy rolls down his window, whistles and stares intently as if that is going to work out in his his favour!)
Further we often don't have a chance to someone who could actually be someone to have a future with!
Again, thanks for the Good (and humbling) reminder!
I just read the original post on this topic, and I find the attitude demonstrated in it pretty sad. It takes a lot of courage for a man to "cleverly" approach a woman. Some guys who work up the nerve are jerks, but many are decent guys putting their pride at risk. I'm second to none in my disdain for lame pick up lines, but the mere act of approaching a woman ought to be praised.
Has it not occured to the original poster that maybe a man CAN tell a good deal about a woman just by looking at her for a few minutes? You try to dress attractively but modestly, right? You wear sensible but feminine shoes? Maybe he saw you looking at a book on a topic that demonstrates your intellectual capability? It's not a 38-point "E-Harmony" quiz (ugh), but it's enough to tell him that you might be someone worth meeting. Why do you have such a negative reaction to that? How hard is it to say "thanks but no thanks" if you're just not interested? Honestly.
I would understand it completely if the writer were worried about her safety in the presence of a stranger, but she doesn't indicate that was a concern. Instead she just expresses a visceral distaste for the idea of being approached by men she doesn't know. Well, how do you expect to meet men if you're closed to meeting them?
Oh, you're going to limit yourself to church events and set-ups by friends, or Mom? And how is that working out?
I'm not a guy, but I know there are times where I've wanted to ask a familiarly looking guy if I knew him from somewhere, but didn't soley because of the cliche and not wanting him to think I was trying to pick up on him. Too funny!
LOL! The sad thing is, that many guys *do* use the "don't I know you?" as a cheesy line. I think that's the "line" I've had used on me the most.
...but yeah. By the guy's demeanor, it's usually pretty clear if he means that sincerely (in which case, I usually say, "no, must be someone else" or, if he looks vaguely familiar, "maybe -- where did you go to school or church?") OR if he's using it as a line (in which case I usually just say "no" and shuffle on).
I don't think disgust is how I would usually act...
Though I do have to say, I think I understand why pick up lines make many women uncomfortable. *Generally,* if a woman is being "randomly" approached in public, it's *usually* not because the guy wants to have a nice conversation over a cup of tea. So if the guy comes across as kind of obvious, or has a "line," a girl can feel skeptical, and thus act in a negative way.
Which is why I think the "natural" approach -- "hello," or, "can you recommend a shampoo to me?" or (if you're at a concert or whatever) "this is a great band. How long have you listened to them?" is better than, "nice eyes!" or anything cheesy or clearly manufactured as an "approach".
And mode of dress doesn't *always* seem to be a determining factor. One of the cheesiest guys to approach me did so when I was wearing baggy sweats.
It's not *being approached*, it's how the approach is accomplished.
I had to chuckle as well. This tends to so be me. In highschool I would comment to a guy that they looked "hot"...typically due to the fact that they had sweat pouring off their head. To which they would teasingly reply "thank you." And I would smack my forehead wondering how my oblivion could have duped me yet again...
When I'm out by myself and a man on the street or in a store tries to talk to me, I usually glance at him without making eye contact to make sure I don't know him, and then continue doing what I was doing--shopping or whatever. If he persists in talking to me, I leave. I know this comes across as unfriendly, and that's how I mean it. I've never been approached by an unfamiliar man who had good intentions.
Don't get me wrong--I was single for years and every time I went to a coffee shop or book store somewhere in the back of my mind I hoped I'd bump into a cute, Christian single man. That never happened, but I met the right guy anyway (through blogging). He confessed that he always hoped he'd meet the right girl that way as well.
I find that grocery-baggers become more friendly when you comment on how efficient they are. After all, they get evaluated by how well they move the line. One time the person really was very fast, and I commented they could train people how to do this. This was met with a broad smile, "I am a checker trainer!"
One time I noticed that the clerk's tag said merchandising. I asked if they handled the end displays. They froze for a second, the broke out in a big smile and said, "Yes! But we all do a lot of jobs here, but I do like merchansing!"
Though some of the young women who do bagging also change their hair in, um, interesting ways, as 20-something's are wont to do...when people make dramatic, obvious changes like that it's one of the few times I break my own rule and comment favorable on appearance.
(Purple highlights is a good look for you!)
To avoid the cliché, I try to ask people if they were from a specific spot. If I can't think of the specific spot, I'd either pick school, church, a work-related organization or something that was as close as possible to where it might be. Asking someone, "Do you volunteer with ______ charity?" has never resulted in a negative reaction. But several times they say, "No, but I was thinking I knew you, too." It might be simply that we shop at the same grocery store...with the clerk with the purple highlights...
I think all to often we women forget how the male ego works. Granted there are jerks out there, but to suppose all men are that way is foolish and wrong. I do know that I get tired of paying the price for this very thing. Just because the women blew them off in a hurtful way they are more wary and now shy away from the other opportunities.
We should learn to be honest and gracious in our responses. I believe if we were, more men would take the lead like we so desperately need when it comes to the world of dating.
Cheers to all the men who do try... keep at it you will find the right lady!
rachel #8
"I know this comes across as unfriendly, and that's how I mean it."
I don't doubt that you've had bad experiences, but still - this comes off as a little harsh to me. I mean there are totally times I would do that too - if I was in a situation that could be threatening, there's no way I'd talk to a stranger. But if you're in a store or something similar, what's the worst that could happen, really?
I was 'chatted up' by a 50-something guy on a train once - it started off just friendly and I was happy to talk, but when he suggested meeting up "so long as the age difference isn't a problem" I gave him a pretty clear no. An uncomfortable experience, sure - but I never had to see him again, so what was the harm? And if he'd just been a nice guy with no ulterior motive (it does happen!), how awful would he have felt to be blanked or glared at without good reason? I can completely sympathise with the temptation to avoid contact, but I really don't think it's the right thing to do.
(PS, I've got nothing against 50-something men. It's just that I'm only 26, AND I look about 5 years younger than I am...)
(PPS, I think this is like the third 'Once when I was on a train' story I've posted in these topics, so for anyone wondering, yes that is pretty much the only place where anyone chats me up. Good old train journeys.)
Just a couple grocery store comments:
1) kind-of related. Potential pick-up line for people: telling someone they look like someone famous. I think I reminded a grocery store customer of a TV show character. Maybe it was my demeanor or who knows what that triggered his thought. Or maybe he had poor eyesight. It's very likely he wasn't trying to pick me up at all, but it was an unexpected exchange.
2) Grocery store comment that's not at all related to pick-up lines. I don't remember all the advice my mom gave me at my bridal shower, but I think one was this: "Remember the Safeway checker."
The point being something like if we're kind to people we don't know, shouldn't we be that much (or presumably, more) kind to our spouses?
That's all. Oh, and my brother had an interesting grocery store experience. Way back when, when he worked at one, he accidentally gave away a grocery cart full of food (think the lady had gone to the bathroom and he ended up giving it to someone else - yikes!). And that might have been his first day? Not sure.
That's all :)
Okay, let's say you're a man in a public place, you see an attractive woman who's wearing a cross necklace, and you catch her eye.
Would there be anything wrong with, "Hello. You know, you're an attractive lady, and I noticed your cross. I'm a Christian too, and I'd be honored if you'd join me for lunch."?
Thoughts?
Now that I think about it, in the produce section one day I asked the location of an uncommon item, and instead of telling me, the produce person said, "Oooh...what are you making?!?" She didn't have a ring, either...hmmm...should have paid more attention...
14 - if I were single and the only communication I had with someone was that question in a 'random' public place and if I didn't know anything else about the person, I'd decline.
One of my girlfriends met her husband in the candy isle of the 99 cent store. Apparently he liled her smile (and probably her attractive figure)and struck up a conversation . . . an hour later they left the store with plans for a first date.
I guess it can happen.
Mike (#14)--Yep, she'll LOVE that you noticed that tiny little piece of gold dangling below her neckline. Good luck....
Let's see, the shortest time I'd known someone that resulted in an hour-long lunch was at the Subway in the Taipei airport. She was in line behind me.
No pick-up lines, though. We were in transit from a medical mission trip to Cambodia. She, a Canadian, was heading home after spending several weeks ALONE in Cambodia doing NGO-related medical follow-up.
The funny part is that I realized later we both looked terrible - spending a few weeks sweating in a 3rd world tropical country will change your perceptions of what is acceptable to look like in public.
It became quickly apparent to me that she wasn't a Christian. But it was also apparent that what she was doing was a lot harder than what we were doing. And frankly, after a while, it's just nice to be able to talk to someone in your native language at full speed. She was doing a master's degree in Neuroscience. Fascinating conversation.
Of course, in the U.S., most people are far too guarded to have lunch with someone they met in line at a sandwich shop.
Craig M. (#18) -
Hmn. I didn't say anything about "tiny". And women wear jewelry expressly for the purpose of it NOT being noticed?
Didn't realize that.
;-)
I have a tendency to sort of 'spaz out' and freeze up when men approach me out of the blue; but that has more to do with my personal insecurities than anything.
The creepiest experience I had was when I had just moved into a new neighborhood and the guy across the street kept eyeing me. He, then, crossed the street to introduce himself and proceeded like this:
'What's your name?'
'Are you married?'
'Do you have kids?'
'Are you a church-girl?'
'Are you a virgin?'
All of these questions were asked in rapid succession, each following immediately after my answer until he got to the last one and I told him that his questions were getting too personal. This was within the first two minutes of my laying eyes on him!
If THAT is the way that godly men feel they are supposed to meet women and ascertain that they are godly women, I have to say that I find THAT approach to be up there on the creepy and intrusive scale! :)
Mike, #14: I actually think that I would respond well to something like that. I wear my cross specifically so that people will notice it, so if someone did, I would be pleased. I think you should try it on someone and report back. ;)
Mike # 14 , Sarah # 23
I as well wear my cross so that it will be noticed. An outward show of my faith is a glimpse of my inward connection to the Lord. I would respond if a gentleman noticed and asked me your questions.
I don't wear a cross necklace. I don't always wear jewelry, but one necklace I wear at times is a wedding gift I got from my husband. I don't think my reason is always so that people will notice it, unless that's there subconsciously. And if it didn't show I guess wouldn't put it on.
Actually I likely don't always think about my motive but it's also probable I may have worn it for my husband's sake before. It has a special meaning. It's a widow's mite and so it's significance is about giving the best you can. It's a cool meaning...
Sorry, Tom. That's one of those moments one doesn't care to relive. It happens to women too - if you are friendly and they are not? Well lets just say it's not a good mix. :|
Craig M., your sarcasm kills me!ha!
Jo (#12) I think I understand what you're saying, and I agree with you to a certain point. There's no imminent danger in a store or on a train or in many other public places, and it would probably not do me any harm to engage briefly with men who initiate a conversation.
I traveled and lived abroad a lot as a teenager and learned early to put up the defenses. I guess I feel that, when I'm out and about, I'm not in a good position to separate the masculine nice-guy wheat from creepy-guy chaff. :)
rachel #27
I do totally sympathise. I have the tendency to have my guard up too, and I think a lot of it is a product of the culture we live in where there are creepy guys and it's easier to just avoid contact. But I guess it's something I'm trying to fight against in myself and I'm gradually learning to be more relaxed, and it does pay off when sometimes I end up having nice conversations with people around me. It's a tough one, I agree.
Just had to say this because this is the second article I've read in a few days that has mentioned someone working as a bagger at a supermarket checkout... in Australia, the check-out operator does all the bagging o.O
Btw, funny story. Made me grin.
And my husband still relishes using cheesey pick-up lines on me.
I do think these article shed light on something. Given the number of women who are uncomfortable when approached by strangers, some changes need to be made.
Older generations (say happily married in their 50's) are often encouraging men to make these approaches. When the response is sharply negative because someone is a stranger, it still comes across a "not interested in you, specifically."
So, ponder this example:
Mentor: Why not Susie?
Young Dude - who has already approached Susie and been rebuffed because she doesn't know him very well - thinks to himself, "She's not interested." But that's a little embarassing to say out loud.
So instead he makes up an objection of his own, whether based on appearance, or his "type," or how he's too busy with his career right now, etc.
While I completely undertand why women would prefer to not be approached by strangers, I see women structuring their time so that no one eligible ever gets near them. There's lots of women who go to my church who I don't know at all. They sprint out of church immediately after the service completes, and I never run across them in a volunteer setting. My guess is that they are spending their time with their girlfriends and/or family. By structuring their time that way, they are limiting who has a chance to get to know them.
If you are unhappy with the quality and/or quantity of men who are approachng you, you must make a change in where you are putting your time. Maybe that means volunteering somewhere new at your church - without your existing friends. If you're always staying in your comfortable group, and rebuffing anyone outside that group, it is likely nothing will change.
BDB (#30) wrote -
"When the response is sharply negative because someone is a stranger, it still comes across a 'not interested in you, specifically.'"
Bingo. Differences in how men and women perceive things.
Of course, it does make me wonder...if you're rebuffing men because they're strangers, how will you ever meet anyone? Isn't everyone a stranger until you meet him for the first time?
;-)
To BDB #30...
Except if you are the hall director of a freshman housing building with 18-19 year old males, attend nursing school with 0 single males, and have about 2 hrs for church a week. Then, you really aren't trying to schedule men out of your life.
I guess I am doomed to invites from only my 18 year old freshman. :) I will note that my situation is transitional and rather unique.. but has done quite the number on my invites from Christian men in my peer group.
Oh, man, I know how you feel... I did that once when I was innocent and then I did it again...
Did you know that rejection like this triggers the area in the brain that generates real pain? We men HATE rejection and for a good reason.
By the way, great writing...
If you'd like to leave a comment, we're afraid you'll have to use a non-mobile device to do so. I just couldn't get the mobile comment entry form to work right. Alas. ~Ted.
1. Lisa Anderson said the following at 8:57 AM on May 18:
Tom, you poor thing! I think your main problem was in the staring. A guy asking me, "Don't I know you from somewhere?" doesn't creep me out at all. Staring while bagging groceries, however...she probably figured you were memorizing all the items she was purchasing, and were going to make some weird, stalkerish move as a result.
2. obewan said the following at 9:41 AM on May 18:
I too was once falsely accused of trying to pick up a girl. I was at the mall, and saw I girl I thought was from my church. I came up from behind her and gave out my best "HI!".
She turned around, and was someone else, and I then said, "sorry, I thought you were someone else..." She was quite indignant and sneered back at me with distain.."Yah, I bet you did!" LOL
3. Michelle (in the UK) said the following at 9:54 AM on May 18:
Tom! LOVE the story! Thank you so much for this little reminder. I think us girls often get so tired of the lame pick up lines that we actually get to the point where we don't trust any nice guy just saying hello. (or what happened to me this weekend-standing outside the train station a guy rolls down his window, whistles and stares intently as if that is going to work out in his his favour!)
Further we often don't have a chance to someone who could actually be someone to have a future with!
Again, thanks for the Good (and humbling) reminder!
4. Craig M. said the following at 10:32 AM on May 18:
I just read the original post on this topic, and I find the attitude demonstrated in it pretty sad. It takes a lot of courage for a man to "cleverly" approach a woman. Some guys who work up the nerve are jerks, but many are decent guys putting their pride at risk. I'm second to none in my disdain for lame pick up lines, but the mere act of approaching a woman ought to be praised.
Has it not occured to the original poster that maybe a man CAN tell a good deal about a woman just by looking at her for a few minutes? You try to dress attractively but modestly, right? You wear sensible but feminine shoes? Maybe he saw you looking at a book on a topic that demonstrates your intellectual capability? It's not a 38-point "E-Harmony" quiz (ugh), but it's enough to tell him that you might be someone worth meeting. Why do you have such a negative reaction to that? How hard is it to say "thanks but no thanks" if you're just not interested? Honestly.
I would understand it completely if the writer were worried about her safety in the presence of a stranger, but she doesn't indicate that was a concern. Instead she just expresses a visceral distaste for the idea of being approached by men she doesn't know. Well, how do you expect to meet men if you're closed to meeting them?
Oh, you're going to limit yourself to church events and set-ups by friends, or Mom? And how is that working out?
5. Kristina said the following at 10:33 AM on May 18:
I'm not a guy, but I know there are times where I've wanted to ask a familiarly looking guy if I knew him from somewhere, but didn't soley because of the cliche and not wanting him to think I was trying to pick up on him. Too funny!
6. Tami said the following at 11:30 AM on May 18:
LOL! The sad thing is, that many guys *do* use the "don't I know you?" as a cheesy line. I think that's the "line" I've had used on me the most.
...but yeah. By the guy's demeanor, it's usually pretty clear if he means that sincerely (in which case, I usually say, "no, must be someone else" or, if he looks vaguely familiar, "maybe -- where did you go to school or church?") OR if he's using it as a line (in which case I usually just say "no" and shuffle on).
I don't think disgust is how I would usually act...
Though I do have to say, I think I understand why pick up lines make many women uncomfortable. *Generally,* if a woman is being "randomly" approached in public, it's *usually* not because the guy wants to have a nice conversation over a cup of tea. So if the guy comes across as kind of obvious, or has a "line," a girl can feel skeptical, and thus act in a negative way.
Which is why I think the "natural" approach -- "hello," or, "can you recommend a shampoo to me?" or (if you're at a concert or whatever) "this is a great band. How long have you listened to them?" is better than, "nice eyes!" or anything cheesy or clearly manufactured as an "approach".
And mode of dress doesn't *always* seem to be a determining factor. One of the cheesiest guys to approach me did so when I was wearing baggy sweats.
It's not *being approached*, it's how the approach is accomplished.
7. Stephanie K. said the following at 11:42 AM on May 18:
I had to chuckle as well. This tends to so be me. In highschool I would comment to a guy that they looked "hot"...typically due to the fact that they had sweat pouring off their head. To which they would teasingly reply "thank you." And I would smack my forehead wondering how my oblivion could have duped me yet again...
8. rachel said the following at 12:05 PM on May 18:
When I'm out by myself and a man on the street or in a store tries to talk to me, I usually glance at him without making eye contact to make sure I don't know him, and then continue doing what I was doing--shopping or whatever. If he persists in talking to me, I leave. I know this comes across as unfriendly, and that's how I mean it. I've never been approached by an unfamiliar man who had good intentions.
Don't get me wrong--I was single for years and every time I went to a coffee shop or book store somewhere in the back of my mind I hoped I'd bump into a cute, Christian single man. That never happened, but I met the right guy anyway (through blogging). He confessed that he always hoped he'd meet the right girl that way as well.
9. BDB said the following at 1:11 PM on May 18:
I find that grocery-baggers become more friendly when you comment on how efficient they are. After all, they get evaluated by how well they move the line. One time the person really was very fast, and I commented they could train people how to do this. This was met with a broad smile, "I am a checker trainer!"
One time I noticed that the clerk's tag said merchandising. I asked if they handled the end displays. They froze for a second, the broke out in a big smile and said, "Yes! But we all do a lot of jobs here, but I do like merchansing!"
Though some of the young women who do bagging also change their hair in, um, interesting ways, as 20-something's are wont to do...when people make dramatic, obvious changes like that it's one of the few times I break my own rule and comment favorable on appearance.
(Purple highlights is a good look for you!)
10. BDB said the following at 1:18 PM on May 18:
To avoid the cliché, I try to ask people if they were from a specific spot. If I can't think of the specific spot, I'd either pick school, church, a work-related organization or something that was as close as possible to where it might be. Asking someone, "Do you volunteer with ______ charity?" has never resulted in a negative reaction. But several times they say, "No, but I was thinking I knew you, too." It might be simply that we shop at the same grocery store...with the clerk with the purple highlights...
11. Fallon said the following at 1:24 PM on May 18:
I think all to often we women forget how the male ego works. Granted there are jerks out there, but to suppose all men are that way is foolish and wrong. I do know that I get tired of paying the price for this very thing. Just because the women blew them off in a hurtful way they are more wary and now shy away from the other opportunities.
We should learn to be honest and gracious in our responses. I believe if we were, more men would take the lead like we so desperately need when it comes to the world of dating.
Cheers to all the men who do try... keep at it you will find the right lady!
12. Jo said the following at 2:21 PM on May 18:
rachel #8
"I know this comes across as unfriendly, and that's how I mean it."
I don't doubt that you've had bad experiences, but still - this comes off as a little harsh to me. I mean there are totally times I would do that too - if I was in a situation that could be threatening, there's no way I'd talk to a stranger. But if you're in a store or something similar, what's the worst that could happen, really?
I was 'chatted up' by a 50-something guy on a train once - it started off just friendly and I was happy to talk, but when he suggested meeting up "so long as the age difference isn't a problem" I gave him a pretty clear no. An uncomfortable experience, sure - but I never had to see him again, so what was the harm? And if he'd just been a nice guy with no ulterior motive (it does happen!), how awful would he have felt to be blanked or glared at without good reason? I can completely sympathise with the temptation to avoid contact, but I really don't think it's the right thing to do.
(PS, I've got nothing against 50-something men. It's just that I'm only 26, AND I look about 5 years younger than I am...)
(PPS, I think this is like the third 'Once when I was on a train' story I've posted in these topics, so for anyone wondering, yes that is pretty much the only place where anyone chats me up. Good old train journeys.)
13. Rachael said the following at 5:58 PM on May 18:
Just a couple grocery store comments:
1) kind-of related. Potential pick-up line for people: telling someone they look like someone famous. I think I reminded a grocery store customer of a TV show character. Maybe it was my demeanor or who knows what that triggered his thought. Or maybe he had poor eyesight. It's very likely he wasn't trying to pick me up at all, but it was an unexpected exchange.
2) Grocery store comment that's not at all related to pick-up lines. I don't remember all the advice my mom gave me at my bridal shower, but I think one was this: "Remember the Safeway checker."
The point being something like if we're kind to people we don't know, shouldn't we be that much (or presumably, more) kind to our spouses?
That's all. Oh, and my brother had an interesting grocery store experience. Way back when, when he worked at one, he accidentally gave away a grocery cart full of food (think the lady had gone to the bathroom and he ended up giving it to someone else - yikes!). And that might have been his first day? Not sure.
That's all :)
14. Mike said the following at 7:55 PM on May 18:
Okay, let's say you're a man in a public place, you see an attractive woman who's wearing a cross necklace, and you catch her eye.
Would there be anything wrong with, "Hello. You know, you're an attractive lady, and I noticed your cross. I'm a Christian too, and I'd be honored if you'd join me for lunch."?
Thoughts?
15. BDB said the following at 9:20 PM on May 18:
Now that I think about it, in the produce section one day I asked the location of an uncommon item, and instead of telling me, the produce person said, "Oooh...what are you making?!?" She didn't have a ring, either...hmmm...should have paid more attention...
16. Rachael said the following at 10:25 PM on May 18:
14 - if I were single and the only communication I had with someone was that question in a 'random' public place and if I didn't know anything else about the person, I'd decline.
17. Rebekah in Socal said the following at 11:10 PM on May 18:
One of my girlfriends met her husband in the candy isle of the 99 cent store. Apparently he liled her smile (and probably her attractive figure)and struck up a conversation . . . an hour later they left the store with plans for a first date.
I guess it can happen.
18. Craig M. said the following at 11:13 PM on May 18:
Mike (#14)--Yep, she'll LOVE that you noticed that tiny little piece of gold dangling below her neckline. Good luck....
19. BDB said the following at 12:38 AM on May 19:
Let's see, the shortest time I'd known someone that resulted in an hour-long lunch was at the Subway in the Taipei airport. She was in line behind me.
No pick-up lines, though. We were in transit from a medical mission trip to Cambodia. She, a Canadian, was heading home after spending several weeks ALONE in Cambodia doing NGO-related medical follow-up.
The funny part is that I realized later we both looked terrible - spending a few weeks sweating in a 3rd world tropical country will change your perceptions of what is acceptable to look like in public.
It became quickly apparent to me that she wasn't a Christian. But it was also apparent that what she was doing was a lot harder than what we were doing. And frankly, after a while, it's just nice to be able to talk to someone in your native language at full speed. She was doing a master's degree in Neuroscience. Fascinating conversation.
Of course, in the U.S., most people are far too guarded to have lunch with someone they met in line at a sandwich shop.
20. Jo said the following at 1:07 AM on May 19:
Mike, #14 -
Yeah, that assumes that people who wear crosses are always Christians...
21. Mike said the following at 3:28 AM on May 19:
Craig M. (#18) -
Hmn. I didn't say anything about "tiny". And women wear jewelry expressly for the purpose of it NOT being noticed?
Didn't realize that.
;-)
22. BAC said the following at 8:28 AM on May 19:
I have a tendency to sort of 'spaz out' and freeze up when men approach me out of the blue; but that has more to do with my personal insecurities than anything.
The creepiest experience I had was when I had just moved into a new neighborhood and the guy across the street kept eyeing me. He, then, crossed the street to introduce himself and proceeded like this:
'What's your name?'
'Are you married?'
'Do you have kids?'
'Are you a church-girl?'
'Are you a virgin?'
All of these questions were asked in rapid succession, each following immediately after my answer until he got to the last one and I told him that his questions were getting too personal. This was within the first two minutes of my laying eyes on him!
If THAT is the way that godly men feel they are supposed to meet women and ascertain that they are godly women, I have to say that I find THAT approach to be up there on the creepy and intrusive scale! :)
23. Sarah P. said the following at 8:59 AM on May 19:
Mike, #14: I actually think that I would respond well to something like that. I wear my cross specifically so that people will notice it, so if someone did, I would be pleased. I think you should try it on someone and report back. ;)
24. Fallon said the following at 10:04 AM on May 19:
Mike # 14 , Sarah # 23
I as well wear my cross so that it will be noticed. An outward show of my faith is a glimpse of my inward connection to the Lord. I would respond if a gentleman noticed and asked me your questions.
25. Rachael said the following at 11:42 AM on May 19:
I don't wear a cross necklace. I don't always wear jewelry, but one necklace I wear at times is a wedding gift I got from my husband. I don't think my reason is always so that people will notice it, unless that's there subconsciously. And if it didn't show I guess wouldn't put it on.
Actually I likely don't always think about my motive but it's also probable I may have worn it for my husband's sake before. It has a special meaning. It's a widow's mite and so it's significance is about giving the best you can. It's a cool meaning...
26. Trisha in AR said the following at 11:44 AM on May 19:
Sorry, Tom. That's one of those moments one doesn't care to relive. It happens to women too - if you are friendly and they are not? Well lets just say it's not a good mix. :|
Craig M., your sarcasm kills me!ha!
27. rachel said the following at 2:23 PM on May 19:
Jo (#12) I think I understand what you're saying, and I agree with you to a certain point. There's no imminent danger in a store or on a train or in many other public places, and it would probably not do me any harm to engage briefly with men who initiate a conversation.
I traveled and lived abroad a lot as a teenager and learned early to put up the defenses. I guess I feel that, when I'm out and about, I'm not in a good position to separate the masculine nice-guy wheat from creepy-guy chaff. :)
28. Jo said the following at 3:18 PM on May 19:
rachel #27
I do totally sympathise. I have the tendency to have my guard up too, and I think a lot of it is a product of the culture we live in where there are creepy guys and it's easier to just avoid contact. But I guess it's something I'm trying to fight against in myself and I'm gradually learning to be more relaxed, and it does pay off when sometimes I end up having nice conversations with people around me. It's a tough one, I agree.
29. Leah said the following at 7:25 PM on May 19:
Just had to say this because this is the second article I've read in a few days that has mentioned someone working as a bagger at a supermarket checkout... in Australia, the check-out operator does all the bagging o.O
Btw, funny story. Made me grin.
And my husband still relishes using cheesey pick-up lines on me.
30. BDB said the following at 12:39 PM on May 20:
I do think these article shed light on something. Given the number of women who are uncomfortable when approached by strangers, some changes need to be made.
Older generations (say happily married in their 50's) are often encouraging men to make these approaches. When the response is sharply negative because someone is a stranger, it still comes across a "not interested in you, specifically."
So, ponder this example:
Mentor: Why not Susie?
Young Dude - who has already approached Susie and been rebuffed because she doesn't know him very well - thinks to himself, "She's not interested." But that's a little embarassing to say out loud.
So instead he makes up an objection of his own, whether based on appearance, or his "type," or how he's too busy with his career right now, etc.
While I completely undertand why women would prefer to not be approached by strangers, I see women structuring their time so that no one eligible ever gets near them. There's lots of women who go to my church who I don't know at all. They sprint out of church immediately after the service completes, and I never run across them in a volunteer setting. My guess is that they are spending their time with their girlfriends and/or family. By structuring their time that way, they are limiting who has a chance to get to know them.
If you are unhappy with the quality and/or quantity of men who are approachng you, you must make a change in where you are putting your time. Maybe that means volunteering somewhere new at your church - without your existing friends. If you're always staying in your comfortable group, and rebuffing anyone outside that group, it is likely nothing will change.
31. Mike said the following at 3:47 PM on May 20:
BDB (#30) wrote -
"When the response is sharply negative because someone is a stranger, it still comes across a 'not interested in you, specifically.'"
Bingo. Differences in how men and women perceive things.
Of course, it does make me wonder...if you're rebuffing men because they're strangers, how will you ever meet anyone? Isn't everyone a stranger until you meet him for the first time?
;-)
32. Samantha said the following at 5:52 PM on May 24:
To BDB #30...
Except if you are the hall director of a freshman housing building with 18-19 year old males, attend nursing school with 0 single males, and have about 2 hrs for church a week. Then, you really aren't trying to schedule men out of your life.
I guess I am doomed to invites from only my 18 year old freshman. :) I will note that my situation is transitional and rather unique.. but has done quite the number on my invites from Christian men in my peer group.
33. Dave F said the following at 5:41 AM on Sep 30:
Oh, man, I know how you feel... I did that once when I was innocent and then I did it again...
Did you know that rejection like this triggers the area in the brain that generates real pain? We men HATE rejection and for a good reason.
By the way, great writing...