How 'Bout a Girl's Guide?
by Candice Watters on 05/13/2009 at 3:30 PM
I'm in the midst of writing and editing the articles and pieces of articles that will make up the girls' version of the Guy's Guide to Marrying Well. If you haven't seen it yet, it's worth a minute to click on the image and flip through the free booklet online (heck, it's worth it just to hear the cool sound effects!).
I think the end result will be even better if I know what you think should be included. What articles or topics would you like to see in the soon-to-be completed Girl's Guide to Marrying Well?
So what'll it be? Please leave a comment if you have some ideas.
1. Tami said the following at 3:34 PM on May 13:
Names and numbers of local eligible guys, listed by denomination and/or theological bent?
;)
2. Candice Watters said the following at 3:42 PM on May 13:
Tami,
Now that would be useful, wouldn't it!
3. Yvetta said the following at 3:42 PM on May 13:
Questions for the girl's dad to ask the guy (or for the girl to find out).
4. Ronnica said the following at 3:51 PM on May 13:
I second Tami's idea!
It would be nice to have a list of sorts of red flags...not necessarily deal breakers, but things that need to be examined further. Also, something about contentment where you're at NOW.
5. Melanie said the following at 3:53 PM on May 13:
LOL whatever you do, Candice, make sure what you give away for free doesn't compete with "Get Married" too forcefully- we just purchased it for our College and Career group ;)
6. mary kate said the following at 3:57 PM on May 13:
as i said on facebook, a reminder that sometimes there's just not much else you can do but sit and wait and be content where you are!
7. Rachael said the following at 3:59 PM on May 13:
-Maybe some general Biblical thinking principles, and emphasize the importance of them. One book I LOVED that I read at some point before I married was "When Sinners Say I Do". Unfortunately, I don't know where my copy of that book is now, but it was so good and contained a lot of basic theological perspectives.
-Maybe emphasis the importance of one's own personal relationship with God and spiritual growth.
-Expectations and the subtleties and far-reachingness of them.
-Reminders of the importance of self-sacrifice and humility, the importance of how we respond to situations...how to grow in those areas; ideas for how to cultivate fruits of the Spirit and Scripture into daily life, simple tips for remembering to turn to God and Scripture
-I think I used to wonder about 'warning signs'...I don't know about those. I don't think little 'signs' of our sins are always indicative of massively huge problems that the spouse can't deal with. Sometimes/often the signs should be heeded in relationships I suppose, but I don't think they always need to fall in the major alarm category.
-Etc :)
8. Candice Watters said the following at 4:00 PM on May 13:
Not a chance, Melanie. ;)
Where's your group?
9. Laura M said the following at 4:02 PM on May 13:
Places to go to meet them. How to let them know you're interested in being a wife without scaring them off? How much do guys really need to make to support a family these days? Haha.
10. Jen said the following at 4:04 PM on May 13:
1. The importance of communication. My exhusband and I had no communication unless we discussed the children; what we ever did before them remains a mystery to me, but then it was only a year before the first child.
2. The importance of not comparing. I was constantly compared to his mother in the cleaning and never sick departments(she was very neat, I was not;she was not sick ever, I was a lot).
3. When is it a good time to visit his/her parents-like I know it's good to let them know of their grandchildren or their child is sick, but I mean, do they need to know what we agree/disagree on? do we need to visit them every day? do we need to live in the same town?
11. ice said the following at 4:08 PM on May 13:
be responsible, it's attractive!
I once met up with a girl that I was supposed to go on a date with and her card got declined. instant turnoff for sure.
Know and appreciate the sacrifices men make that you may not see for a while.
12. Cassandra said the following at 4:09 PM on May 13:
Names and numbers of local eligible guys, listed by denomination and/or theological bent?
lol that would be great! For me it would be "do you believe in Biblical inerrancy?" I can't believe how many guys don't want me to submit to them. Can I find a guy who's less feminist than me?? That would be awesome.
13. JuliestD said the following at 4:11 PM on May 13:
This might not be popular...but perhaps something on how to know if you're not ready.
I see a lot of split on this -- people tell girls my sister's age (mid-twenties) that if they don't "feel ready" for marriage then they aren't. But, then I see people also telling girls in their early twenties who claim they "feel ready" for marriage that they can't possibly be and it must be puppy love.
I know feelings are important, but there must be some logical line to draw somewhere, isn't there?
Just a thought. I'm dealing with this issue afresh now that my younger sister is in a relationship and asking me questions like, "how did you know he was the one?" And I try my best not to give the answers that infuriated/frustrated me when I was single, like, "you just know."
Good luck, Candice! I'm praying and pulling for you. I have both your books and been a reader of Boundless since the very beginning!
14. Hmmmm said the following at 4:11 PM on May 13:
Can you put something in about how to be involved in church together???
My boyfriendy-courting-partner-man-person and I are very involved... in different church families.
And it struck us both very early on that it is awkward to be involved in totally seperate church families and activities, when that it the center of both of our lives. We are both serious and intentional about marriage, and so we both WANT to be involved in church together as we make our way toward marriage-- we want to be on the same page and build mutual relationships with others.
So now we are attempting to figure out which church to attend as a couple..... and well, he "wins" without complaint from me whatever he chooses, obviously.
But I have not seen any advice anywhere about what to consider-- when to start attending together, etc.
15. Hmmmm said the following at 4:12 PM on May 13:
Well... maybe that doesn't apply to "marrying well" if we are only discussing the meeting of eligible people.... but oh well
16. FrankH said the following at 4:14 PM on May 13:
Being a pragmatist, I think that for most folks in the church and on boundless, the lack is not in spiritual credibility [1] but in dealing with real-world social issues. In no particular order, I'd recommend:Gentleladies don't have as many "chances" to miss completion with relationships; each try has time cost on the order of a year. Seek good guidance early.There is a trend for gentleladies to be more educated, intelligent, ... . Not itself a bad thing, but it often leads to less willingness to contend with another person's worldview. (Consider the motivation behind comment #1.) I'd say that close enough match in worldview is good enough.Anyways, my 2 cents.
[1] Somebody is going to harp on this point. I honestly think good enough is just that, good enough. It's easy to argue that one can never have too high a standard. But consider that people will be bummed to not meet those overly high standards. Good people get disqualified. You might better solve the problem of quality (was there a problem to begin with?) and create a worse problem. Are we better off?
17. JuliestD said the following at 4:27 PM on May 13:
Here here, Frank! I agree.
There is no perfect man. I married the last one. (JK!!)
Realize ladies, you may think you're settling -- but if you really viewed yourself accurately as a sinner, you might not think so.
18. ruth said the following at 4:34 PM on May 13:
My question would be how to determine how serious he is when he is starting to pursue i.e. is he just after any girl or considering you as a possible wife.
19. a sassy sister said the following at 4:38 PM on May 13:
I've got a few topics:
not seeing singleness as a problem but as an opportunity to grow into being the woman God wants you to be; counteracting and addressing loneliness and bitterness as a single.
avoiding the comparison trap and grass is greener mentality when it comes to being single and watching your friends couple off and disappear.
How to engage with older women in the church and not slide into gossip by focusing solely on your romantic life but in ministry, discipleship, and evangelism.
the crucial aspect of having a solid identity and value in Christ and not basing your esteem or acceptance on being in a relationship.
Discerning between femininity that is based on tradition and femininity that is based on a solid understanding of Scripture.
Exercising grace to the men in your community and dropping unrealistic(and unbiblical) views of masculinity and femininity in healthy, God-honoring brother-sister relationships; addressing gender bashing on both sides
Having a healthy, Biblical view of sexuality that is more broad than simply telling people not to have sex; discussing purity in heart and body.
20. Sofia said the following at 4:49 PM on May 13:
How about:
1) In a new relationship, when the Christian guy (who really is honestly devoted to God) says he loves you, and you are interested, but are shy and reserved? You don't feel as strongly as he does, but hope that someday you might grow in love for him. Any tips on this? Also, how do you respond to him when he, knowing that you don't yet feel the same, says things like "I love you", not in a dramatic way, but in a very calm, genuine manner?
2) Speaking on being shy and prudent towards a relationship that MIGHT actually be REAL in God's eyes and time, how do you go about deciding how affectionate to be? (as far as knowing "when" you are comfortable enough to kiss, things like that) And I def speak for myself, I have no reservations in letting people know that even thinking about the "wedding night" makes me somewhat scared and unsure of how willing I will be. (Unless you think by THAT time I will be more than willing!)
21. FrankH said the following at 4:49 PM on May 13:
[RE Ruth in comment #18]
Ask your older and wiser friends?
Imagine if there was a way to tell. All the guys who want to get with you would discover it and behave so that they pass the test. Back to square one.
22. HeavenlyMinded said the following at 4:49 PM on May 13:
I am firmly committed to men being leaders in relationships. I am also rather reserved and a little shy; between the two, I struggle with appropriate ways to signal that I'm available and would not mind them asking me out, without being forward. Some practical, specific, suggestions for how to encourage guys in this area would be appreciated!
23. Andrea said the following at 4:56 PM on May 13:
-when you should start praying together as a couple
-RED FLAGS!
-what to do if your family doesn't approve of him or vice versa
-advice for different age groups
(twenties, thirties, and so on)
-checklist for what needs to be in place before engagement and/or marriage (practical things)
24. Tami said the following at 4:59 PM on May 13:
Frank... sigh... Comment #1 was a joke... no personal rigid worldview, and certainly no overly ridiculous and insurmountable high standard, implied.
I rarely pull the "if you knew me" thing online, but... if you knew me, you would know that was absolutely not my motivation.
25. Rachael said the following at 5:04 PM on May 13:
Maybe you could also send out a questionnaire to people in churches to get information...
And perhaps some people would have extra copies of their toasting speeches or advice that they've given to others at bridal showers or in thoughtfully composed e-mails or something.
My mom gave me some thoughtful heartfelt advice at my bridal shower. I may have even been given a copy. However, where is it? That is the question.
Which brings me to a practical topic for the book: how to go about finding important things, and then, once married, how to go about finding your spouses' important items :)
he he. Problems double once you get married. Just kidding. Some problems may halfen...
26. Janelle said the following at 5:14 PM on May 13:
We talk a lot on Boundless about having a career that is compatible with being a stay-at-home-mom someday. What about a list of some professions that are generally conducive to that? I really only ever hear "teacher and nurse," but there have to be more.
27. Julie said the following at 5:39 PM on May 13:
Wow, great timing! I definitely have a question that I was actually considering sending to the Q&A columns - basically, when is it wise to be patient for a good man (like Comment #11 mentions sacrifices)? I am unsure how to proceed in the aftermath of a breakup that was due to an unexpected (and temporary) change in his circumstances, and not at all from determining we shouldn't marry. We're both in our mid-20's.
We developed an amazing friendship while co-leading a small group and our hearts eventually turned toward each other for all the right reasons (values, Kingdom mission, time-tested character, etc). We dated intentionally, purely, joyfully, and with mentor approval for several months until in Feb. our tentative timeline got wrenched when he did not get into pharmacy school this year(due to old credits, not grades). He called a stop to our dating so as not to emotionally defraud me, because he couldn't see himself getting married in the next year anymore for a variety of reasons.
I did the hard work of moving on, and though we are still friendly in the same small group, contact is low.
Taking stock after 3 months, I discover that I am just as drawn by his heart and character as ever, and I know he still values me. Now what? Advice would be welcome :)
28. Anonymous-this-time said the following at 6:01 PM on May 13:
I think it's amazing that you are making the girl's guide to marrying well. the guy's guide was great.(couldnt resist checking what the other side was reading)
a.Please don't focus too much on how singleness is a time to develop your character and singleness is a time to avoid being bitter. it sometimes makes it seem that married people don't have to work on their character because they are "hitched" and don't get as "bitter" as singles.because the divorce rate even among christian couples tell another story. single people have a hard time enough hearing that from other well-meaning christians.
b. if possible, please include advice about being discerning in relationships that almost seem perfect. for example, a girl may be pursued by a perfectly decent Christian guy but yet he's obviously not the guy for her. Especially with few of them around, it's deceptive to hang on to them because of fear of not meeting someone new. Yet, that guy is obviously not in God's plan for her life.
c. please include strong yet almost gentle but very truthful words about christian women holding christian men to a reasonable biblical standard. maybe if all women demanded that, there won't be so many feminine christian men in the church.
Hope writing the guide is much fun.
29. Dorene said the following at 6:02 PM on May 13:
I'm just really happy that this is coming out! I was hoping for it so it's nice to see it finally arriving. Thanks Candice! and y'all for contributions!
30. Kate said the following at 6:11 PM on May 13:
I agree with #18-
"How to engage with older women in the church and not slide into gossip by focusing solely on your romantic life but in ministry, discipleship, and evangelism."
Even if it's not gossip some encouragement on not letting relationship talk take over all relationships, even our relationship with the Lord.
31. Beth said the following at 6:33 PM on May 13:
THANK YOU to Sassy Sister and FrankH...(everyone else for that matter). I have felt so unready for marriage, lacking social skills like talking to the opposite sex because I have friends (who I respect!) that say you can't be friends with males! I have also read "Love & Respect" which totally opened my worldview of marriage and just the need to communicate...thanks to Boundless for your insight and guidance through this process.
32. Kelly said the following at 6:55 PM on May 13:
That it's OKAY to only date Godly men, even if that means you only have 1 date every 5 years or so.
33. Laura said the following at 6:58 PM on May 13:
-How to tell if a guy is really ready to lead a wife and family spiritually.
-The difference between a guy playing the man in a relationship and taking leadership and risking himself/*earning* trust vs. expecting to have your heart served to him on a platter.
-What a woman's responsibility in a relationship is; being guarded can be a *good* thing.
-How to deal with a broken relationship and let yourself heal, hope, and prepare for a successful one without overabundant cynicism.
I spent eight months last year dating the man I was convinced I was going to marry. We have similar family backgrounds, seemed to agree on doctrine, finances, children, etc. I was convinced beyond a doubt that he had what it took to lead a family and was ready to marry him. After leading me to think we were getting married soon, he broke up with me abruptly. Amid all the heartbreak and pain, I've come to see a lot of things I never did before.
I wish I would have known what it looked like for a guy to play the man in a relationship--I honestly didn't even know what that looked like practically and, without realizing it, made a lot of excuses for him.
It's taken months since our relationship ending for me to honestly evaluate some aspects of our relationship. I was describing one aspect of our relationship to a friend yesterday and she got an absolutely dumbfounded look on her face. I immediately explained that I wasn't trying to make him look like a jerk. To which she responded that no, I was just telling her facts and he made his own status obvious. That may be true, but I had to add "But I LET him." I required no more (and often less) than he offered.
Elisabeth Elliot (I think) has well said that men will be precisely as much gentlemen as women require of them and no more. I don't mean that as a put-down to guys. If we as women don't treat guys as if we expect them to be the men we know they can be, they tend to sink to the level that we treat them at. I wish I had really *gotten* that before entering a relationship.
34. Janice said the following at 7:18 PM on May 13:
Definitely address the beauty of submission/deferring to others and what that can look like prior to marriage just in relationships with others.
I'd love to see something about some "how to" tips on the stages of emotional intimacy as a relationship moves from dating to marriage. After years of guarding my heart, sometimes that is hard not to keep walls up.
Finally, coming from some dysfunction (on a serious level), I'd like to see the guide offer helpful tips for handling a serious relationship without getting freaked out by fear issues. I know you're probably going to say get a mentor (and I have an awesome one!!). But for those who don't have a mentor I think it would be helpful.
Oh one more!! I think it is SUPER important to emphasis that women shouldn't write off a guy if the 80 percent is really good (godly, Christian, good character, etc). There's always 20 percent we can't change but I think more girls would be in relationships and/or married if they got over themselves just a tad (and I say that as someone who used to do this so its in love, ya'll!).
35. CanadianGirl said the following at 7:21 PM on May 13:
How to affirm and encourage (in ways that are honoring to God) the men in our communities to become like Boaz. How to talk with men (in groups) about our desires for marriage without harping on the subject/making the men feel uncomfortable, intimidated, or preyed upon. Please provide practical suggestions for what we can do every day!
36. Anya said the following at 7:48 PM on May 13:
- what to do about denominations and other faith differences between couples
- the time line of getting married, is it wise to marry while in college/ grad school?
- how to stay physically pure while dating
- what are practical ways to learn about what kind of husband/ father this man will be while dating?
37. mindlab said the following at 7:57 PM on May 13:
I'm a guy; am I allowed to poke my nose in here and make a comment?
9. Laura M and 22. HeavenlyMinded both asked roughly the same question: "How to communicate that you (the young lady) are interested/open to being pursued without being inappropriately forward."
Great question, and it obviously (from my experience) needs answering. I realize there are limits to friendship, but that would be my answer: be a friend. I frequently interact with young ladies who one Sunday act like they're 'interested', and the next week will act merely 'civil.' That's NOT friendly, it's annoying.
A guy (this guy anyway) needs to know more about you than your first name before asking you out. The only way to do that is the be a friend. Make it clear that you are interested in a friendship; start conversations, make it a point to say 'hi' a couple days (or Sundays) in a row, and don't flip on the 'cold' switch when he responds by being friendly.
38. IWishToRemainAnonymous said the following at 8:22 PM on May 13:
Going along with the dealbreakers thought - how about signs of a potentially abusive relationship?
39. Emma said the following at 9:01 PM on May 13:
#22 HeavenlyMinded
Great suggestion! I'd love to see some articles on this too :)
It's like the "breaking twigs" analogy that "Doing things right in matters of the heart" (i think by John Ensor?) was getting at. How do we break twigs to signal "hello, i'm over here!" without being forward and taking the leadership step that the guy should be taking?
40. Em said the following at 9:23 PM on May 13:
LOVE that you're doing this - thank you!!! (I will admint to reading the Guy's Guide out of curiosity for what advice they were being given) ;)
Some thoughts for the Girl's Guide:
1. Topics to discuss PRIOR to engagement vs. during engagement.
2. How to determine whether your careers and callings complement eachother and whether you can serve God better together than apart.
3. Expectations - How to trust God that He knows your heart and is in control, without letting expectations (both prior to and during a courtship/proposal/engagement/wedding/marriage) cause you to be discontent or question a relationship that otherwise is God-honoring.
4. Skills that women can develop during their single years to prepare for marriage.
5. Encouragement to 'guard your heart' emotionally, spiritually and physically.
41. Em said the following at 9:27 PM on May 13:
More ideas:
1. How to express romantic affection in non-physical ways during a courtship and engagement.
2. How to approach a potential mentor and suggestions for the various 'looks' that relationship can take on.
3. Accountability
42. Merly said the following at 9:34 PM on May 13:
A few thoughts:
1)What's the best way for a girl to clearly state to a guy that she's only interested in someone who's REALLY preparing for marriage because they WANT to, not because of external pressures (family, friends, society, etc.)? A lot seems to get lost in communication...
2)Something about how a girl can take the initiative to end a courtship/friendship that seems like it has no direction. I would hope it would be the guy who takes the lead on this, but oh well. I think many times girls wait for guys to do this, but you could be waiting for a long time.
3)Adding excerpts from the "Not Your Buddy" article would be ideal.
I've been waiting for this for a long time...yay!!
43. Em said the following at 9:41 PM on May 13:
And more:
1. How to heal and forgive after a breakup, so that you don't bring these wounds into your next relationship and future marriage.
2. Tips for getting to know the parents/family of the man you are courting, especially if the famiy dynamic is different from your own and knowing that they could be your future in-laws.
3. Actively serving and running hard after Christ during your single years. Viewing these years as an awesome opportunity to minister to younger women, serve in your church and community, learn dependance on Christ, and develop spiritual discipline habits.
44. Brooke said the following at 9:56 PM on May 13:
I haven't read all the comments, so this may already be mentioned.
Maybe something like what not to say on the first five dates. Or how long should you wait before starting to ask about if they want kids, and other questions that make it fairly obvious that you are considering marriage?
45. Jayme said the following at 9:59 PM on May 13:
I'd like some "timeline" advice regarding when it's appropriate to what level of details. You read books like "Emotional Purity" that would have you sharing very little before engagement or even marriage. But then how do you evaluate if you can marry this person?
I don't necessarily mean a "by date 3, tell your views on biblical submission"....but...at what time (just dating, engaged, married), should we:
-talk about biblical roles in a marriage and what that looks practically for us (she always cleans, he makes all decisions, she has freedom to spend up to X dollars decorating the house vs. he approves ALL purchases, she won't ever work outside the home even if children aren't present yet)
-combine church lives (assuming the dating couple doesn't go to the same church - at what point in the relationship do you start determing "your" church?)
-talk specific on finances. (saver vs. spender, debt vs no current debt)
-talk about past relationships (number of them? why you broke up? is that relevant even?)
stuff like that is on my mind as a 29-year old in a serious dating relationship for the first time.
46. Sheri said the following at 10:30 PM on May 13:
I would like it to include what you need to know before you really get involved. I have had a hard time getting out of bad relationships in the past once I am already in one. It would be nice to know about the red flags before I get serious. Also, names, numbers, age, and location would be great. :)
47. Carey said the following at 11:12 PM on May 13:
I would like to see some realistic advise to the epidemic of single girls in their late twenties/early thirties including myself who have not married because the choices we have had would not be considered "marrying well". What to do when the pool is limited and you are down to possibly not marrying at all, or choosing from a pool of men with a LOT of baggage???
48. Bethany in Denver said the following at 11:14 PM on May 13:
Hi Candice,
I think it would be great to have an excerpt from Carolyn Mahaney's book Feminine Appeal That is one of the best books I know of on the topic of being a Biblical wife and mother.
Also, I always think you can't have too many of the not being "buddies" articles. I know of too much heartache on both sides caused by this lack of intentionality and just 'hanging out'.
49. Kris said the following at 11:18 PM on May 13:
* The importance of knowing who you are as an individual. Having your identity solely in Christ.
* Tackle the concept of contentment.
* The difference between being 'assertive' and 'aggressive' as a woman. i.e. Going to the coffee pot after service and offering the guy you are interested in a packet of sugar.
* Biblical views of manhood and womanhood.
* Getting yourself together to give yourself away. Self assments to try to be a 'healthy' and well-balanced person.
* When communicating through a conflict doing it in a manner that is focused on connecting with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
* Flags: red, yellow and EVEN green - what should you look for in a potential spouse.
* What if he's got it all together but there's no attraction/chemistry?
* Physical boundary lines.
50. BDB said the following at 11:29 PM on May 13:
#11 what do you mean HER card was declined?
Why was she buying on a date?
51. BDB said the following at 11:31 PM on May 13:
You could do a pro-guidance vs. anti-guidance thing. Seriously, I'll bet if you wrote to Elisabeth Elliot and told her what you were doing, she'd give you permission to publish something of hers for the "pro" side.
52. FrankH said the following at 12:21 AM on May 14:
[RE Tami in #24]
Darn written communication has the "what you say" but not the "how you say it". Oh well.
Ooh! I have another recommendation!
Differences in worldview, theology, politics, approach to money or debt, how many kids when, etc hurt relationships.
So, I think it's a good idea to look for hints (evidence?) that the prospective gentleman is willing to bridge the issues which divide people.
A good friend advised me (a guy) to think "what matters to her matters to me."
53. brx said the following at 2:23 AM on May 14:
Some ideas about what to include in a girl's guide to marrying well
------------------------------
...not exactly in any specific order... I hope something here is helpful... (many apply to men also)
Treat EVERYONE as a worthwhile human being created in the image of God. Consider, do you treat everyone well, or only the people you're interested in dating or hanging out with?
Ask the question: God, is there anything you want me to do, or change, or work on before I pursue (or be pursued in) a 'significant-other' type relationship or one with this person in particular? If God brings something to mind as you listen for His response, then DO IT! Expect more frustrations and ambiguities than you'd like if you do not DO what God tells you to. Remember that old parental advice, "first things first!" Yeah, I know this is frustrating, but you did ask God to be in control, right? And you did say that you trust Him, right?
Learn to encourage guys to lead; ask questions and if his answers are too vague for your liking, kindly encourage him to get more specific or explain for you. Don't belittle or treat him like a child, but ask like you really care what he thinks and you want to know. Your nurturing gifts can be very helpful in establishing clear communication.
Learn to deal - in a tactful, Christ-like way - with men. In particular, if a guy expresses unambiguously - with words - an interest in you while you do not have returning sentiments, then do not run away, nor avoid contact, nor employ a go-between, but rather be confident in Christ and have the awkward conversation with tact. If a guy expresses ambiguously - without specific words - then DO NOT ASSUME he is interested in anything more than friendship as brother/sister in Christ. If his actions are really seeming to express more than his words, then go back to learning to encourage a guy to lead; tactfully ask questions - to get him to be specific and step up to the plate. If an interest actually comes to the plate then you can deal with it appropriately.
Consider as a group of women, challenging - in a loving and friendly way - a group of men to step up to a manly hosting and hospitality role together, such as hosting a Bible study or a BBQ for the women. Watch for who is stepping up and actually trying to grow into being a confident man of integrity. Look closely, it may not be the guy who seems to have all the natural, swave ability.
Secret: some (most) of the very outgoing, funny, friendly, center-of-attention people are actually the most insecure and are hiding it by over-compensating. That's not necessarily a bad thing if it stays within healthy boundaries, but be aware of it. Don't be blinded.
See if the guy is willing to learn how to dance. Pick something easy like east-coast swing or traveling waltz, not something like tango. This question and action can reveal a lot about the extent of a guy's issues with pride, fear, and humility. And, if he's willing to learn a lead-follow type dance with you, it can reveal how well you two can learn to work out helpful communication.
Authentic discipleship - is the guy actively involved in it with some other guys? Who are they? What effect does it have on him? Is it more than just memorizing Bible verses? How important is it to him and why? How has he grown in the last three years? Are YOU actively involved in discipleship with some other women? same questions to you...
Provide some articles or brief discussion regarding:
+ the purpose of marriage
+ how men/women, boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands/wives will relate to each other in Heaven (considering this I think sheds light on how we should treat each other while on earth)
+ how husbands and wives are equal partners in a joint endeavor
+ the value of seeking and involving 3rd party objectivity, together
+ the importance of being better together in loving your neighbors
+ the value of being willing and able to have awkward discussions when necessary
+ agreeing to honor God and do the loving thing regardless of whether you will end up married to each other.
+ how to know the difference between love, sexual attraction, and infatuation.
+ how love and marriage is more about community than about you
God points out in His Word that yes, you are your brother's [and sister's] keeper. As such, it can be argued that Christians share in responsibility for the fidelity of their brother's and sister's relationships. This implies relationships and marriage is not such a private thing as the world would have us believe.
Advice from a Covenant Life Pastor: Ask - Are you ready for a relationship?
---
Enlist 3 people in your life:
1. a Peer
2. a Parent, if you have one; if you don't, someone who really knows you well and who is in a different season of life than you, possibly a married couple.
3. a Close friend - a close, godly friend, whom you would humbly admit is much more mature than you.
--
Go to them; ask them these specific questions - and beg them to be honest - brutally honest, because an enemy heaps up kisses, while a friend tells the truth;
1. Do you think I'm ready to pursue a relationship, or be pursued in a relationship? Why or why not?
2. What areas both practical and character related, do I need to change in, to be prepared to marry?
3. Ask, how would they go about changing in these areas.
4. Ask, who would they suggest that you go to for help in changing.
Dream big! Because God can make them come true.
Ryan Shupe And The Rubber Band
54. Mary said the following at 5:57 AM on May 14:
I would like to see something in relation to potentially choosing a spouse that is *much* older, as in 10+ years. I know the general desire for us women, is to find a mate that is compatible in age with oursleves. (I just turned 30) However, that is rarely evident these days, and what I've noticed almost everywhere is that there are far more eligible 40-somethings Christian males, than there are 30-somethings or even 20-somethings that *WANT* to marry.
Any advice along that line would be helpful. I know Boundless has recently posted a couple of articles on that, but as a young woman who has not yet married, is now 30, and only seems to be getting attention from the men in that age category (story of my life--too! lol), I wonder if I should not pass up the potential suitors that are in my church, that happen to be 10+ years older than me?
I would love to marry now and in a few years God-willing, start my family. Do I wait to find someone who is within my desired age range of 5 - 7 years older? I attend a fairly large church and the singles groups show you two extremes: hundreds of 20-somethings that mostly are not ready for marriage, and on a good day the 34 - 44 singles group gathers 50 people. All the guys there are 40+. I do find many pros for the older ones, they generally are more mature Christians, however the disparity in age is also a big deal. I've never met anyone close to my age that I could relate to (due to their immaturity), and consequently they haven't been attracted back perhaps because I appear too mature for them....*sigh*.... lol :-)
Thank you!
55. Michela said the following at 6:55 AM on May 14:
Ice #11
I sincerely hope that this was not a date. Otherwise, you technically should have been paying for her...
=)
56. Noelle said the following at 7:30 AM on May 14:
I second what Janelle said. What should we be doing with these 'in between' years that's productive and preparatory?
57. Clayton said the following at 7:34 AM on May 14:
Nice job Candice! I learned alot of valuable information by reading the "Guys Guide to Marrying Well" as well as a direction to finding a Godly spouse. I found Boundless.org a little over 3 months ago where it has now become part of my morning routine, along with ESPN (guilty!) Nice work and good luck developing the guide.
58. Jen said the following at 7:35 AM on May 14:
What about when one of them has been married before and/or she divorced him or visa versa? In my case, I divorced him and now I'm wondering if it is going to be held against me or the reason I'm not in a dating situation now is because I've been married before and no one wants 'used goods'.
59. Irene M. said the following at 7:39 AM on May 14:
Nice. I can't wait to read this. Here are a couple of quick topics that I'd love to read about either in the guide or on Boundless.
~Dating when you come from a broken home. Specifically, how to approach dating when your family life has skewed your standards and dealing with insecurities.
~It was also be nice to have some advice specifically for young women who do not have a male family member (or older male church member) to interview potential guys. Could you please give some advice on how to conduct a Christian dating relationship when the woman is on her own?
~Dating when you are a Christian convert. All of the Christian men I have dated have never considered the possibility of having non-Christian in-laws and really don't know how to handle it. How can a convert create a relationship between her family and her potential husband?
~How to conduct a relationship when the woman is more successful career-wise and/or will be more successful after graduation.
60. ~WL~ said the following at 7:54 AM on May 14:
Along the line of red flags... maybe you could talk about the role that "peaceful feelings" play in the relationship moving towards engagement. Like, when to break it off if you feel unsettled, and determining if that uneasiness is rational or irrational. Many articles on here discuss not putting too much emphasis on ~gut feelings~ when it comes to choosing whom to marry, but when SHOULD we pay attention to those feelings?
61. Sarah P. said the following at 7:59 AM on May 14:
I like sassysister's and Andrea's (#23) lists.
Janelle (#26): Accountant, writer, website builder, entrepreneur of many kinds, distance learning instructor for high school or college
Aspects for marrying well:
- Getting right with God/growing in spiritual walk, so as to discern best His overall will for our many callings
- True purpose of marriage
- Building talents and inclinations in the areas of home upkeep and hospitality
- Building mentorships
- Where to find godly men/how to get to know them
- Involvement of parents/authorities
- List of helpful resources to learn more
62. Joyce said the following at 8:16 AM on May 14:
Thank you for the post, Candice!
- How can you overcome fear and distrust of men? Especially if your parents are divorced, annulled or separated, what can you do to prepare for marriage?
- How can you reconcile getting married with a vocation that may involve a lot of moving? Would a job in the military or in diplomacy be a bad idea for those who want to become wives and mothers?
- How much should you change so that you would have better chances of getting married? Would it be advisable for a shy girl to go out to every party just so she could find a husband only to revert back to her natural personality once married?
- What are wonderful prayers for people who want to be married? Thank you and God bless!
63. Isa said the following at 8:20 AM on May 14:
I second Tami's motion!
Aside from that,
1. How Proverbs 31 translates on a modern- day level?
2. How to tell a guy's a keeper (include warning signs as a previous commenter said).
3. Becoming a person worth marrying
4. Intentionality (I like how you talk about that Candice) without being TOO... pushy/ straightforward.
5. Setting high standards vs. unrealistic ones
6. Practicing biblical submission but not necessarily having to submit to ALL the guys in your church/ life (I honestly can't imagine submitting to ALL the guys I know (except for this one guy... but that's for another time) but I also want to be able to "spur" these men on towards godliness in a purely platonic way).
7. What it means in a practical sense for "men to be gentlemen and women to be ladies"
8. How to keep your feet on the ground when your head's in the clouds (I know a sometimes when I meet a boy who loves Jesus and pursues justice who seems pretty awesome,it's hard to really see him for who he is and what he's like and I instead see what I want to see... so I guess something about how to stay objective when you're in a relationship/ meet someone new.
That's all I can think of for now...
PS.there's this great book called "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye: Trusting God with A Hope Deferred" by Carolyn McCulley that I find to be a great and very biblically sound, down- to- earth read on many relevant topics that Women (especially the single ladies) deal with
64. Kathryn said the following at 8:22 AM on May 14:
Some things I would love to see:
Getting married right after college. When is the right time to get married? Should you wait till after graduate school or if you get a job.
How to deal with parents that don't want you to get married before you're 30 and have 200,000 in your savings account. What to say to parents that want you to date a lot of people before you 'settle' down instead of get married to a guy you have been courting for four years.
Biblical femininity and what that means as a single, engaged, dating, and married woman.
I'm a big fan of all your articles, so I'm sure I'll soak up any wisdom you can provide!
65. Andrea-Elena said the following at 9:21 AM on May 14:
Everyone has submitted great ideas. Heavens... Candice could do an entire collection of guides!!
I think a helpful resource would be an explanation of pair bonding -- the physical, spiritual, and emotional details of the stages and the progression. The book Smart Love, by Nancy Van Pelt, gives an excellent illustration/explanation (and I seem to remember a chart) about it. Helped me understand why it was that crossing certain boundaries really did prematurely form a bond with the man I was dating. (That was 10 years ago!! Wow.) Maybe you could get permission to reprint some of her stuff. (Maybe she got it from Dr. Dobson! I don't remember.)
I actually started a project similar to what Candice is proposing... for myself. Wish I could work on this with you, Candice!!!
An annotated bibliography of suggested resources for various areas of growth, including practical books (like really good cookbooks and other homemaking resources -- How to Organize Everything is a wonderful example), would be great. I'll send an e-mail with my suggestions for resources. (The list is growing rapidly and is getting far too long for a blog post comment!!)
Thanks in advance for all your hard work, Candice!! You rock!!!!!!
66. Renee68 said the following at 10:51 AM on May 14:
Suggestions/Advice for older singles (35 +) who have never married or are single again. People assume because I am a 40 yr old never married single that I just never wanted to get married and still don't want to get married. Wrong.
67. Eileen Ong(From Singapore) said the following at 11:34 AM on May 14:
hi!!maybe you can provide some insight on how to prioritise our expectations in finding a godly husband?that would be really helpful.
68. yet another jen said the following at 11:38 AM on May 14:
Everyone has a lot to say about this! Thank you #53 for the wise words.
ANd I definitely liked the reference to "my boyfriendy-courting- partner-man-person" :)
I guess for myself I would like advice about knowing HOW and when to let down those walls guarding my heart. After spending so long alone, I have built up ways of dealing with things in my life, that I'm having a hard time figuring out how to be vulnerable to any guy. There is one I'd like to try it out with :) but with no stated intention from him, I can't just let him have that part of me yet. How can I let him know it is there and waiting for him without opening myself to more hurt?
Or actually to any guy? How can I still be my sweet self at 28 that I was at 21? Instead of the tougher more independent woman I've had to become?
How should I feel about a guy that I HAD respected taking some not-so-wise paths? Why does he seem more immature at 28 than he did at 24? Does this negate his potentiality to me?
If he had married me then, maybe he wouldn't have these problems that he's facing now! How do I tell him that!? :)
Does a woman with strong convictions and practical applications in life have a very small chance of marrying anyone at the same level spiritually? Well actually I think the answer to that is yes. Sad but true.
If anyone wants to start attempting my questions or any of the many many others here, please jump right in!
69. ICE said the following at 11:45 AM on May 14:
BDB,
I had met a girl, talked a bit on the phone. Due to the circumstances, we were going to go on a date the following week. Meanwhile I met her and a friend at a restaurant as they were paying... declined! Ya, she was a bad idea anyways.
"Guide for marrying well for jacked-up Christians"
This might be a more effective guide. What do you do when your parents have been married 5-8 times... and they are Christians. You're at a church, join a growth group, but half of them seem shallow. Some are working on not sleeping around while the others have no social skills to get a date and i feel caught somewhere in between.
A lot of these questions the ladies have seem foreign to me. How do you know when to bail, what's a dealbreaker? Where does forgiveness and sticking it out with someone you love, cross the line, when youre engaged.
How do you grow spiritually with someone? My ex wanted to read the Bible with her, then discuss it, which I always find super boring. You need time to absorb what you read, not to mention I can barely pay attention when someone else reads, i always read ahead!
70. brx said the following at 1:30 PM on May 14:
Re: ICE [#69],
Really - you backed out of a date because you overheard that her credit card was declined at a restaurant cashier? Do you actually know the details of why it was declined?
I ask because I've had cards declined and when I investigated, it was for no fault of my own (except for one case where I purposely set one of my cards at a low limit and then misremembered how low I set it a couple years later while using it for a string of trip expenses). Regardless each time, my pride was hurt as I was afraid the 'declined' announcement made me look bad infront of other people.
Would you say you have much patience for other people?
71. Rachael said the following at 1:35 PM on May 14:
-It might be good to encourage the guide's readers to break-up on account of gut feelings of uncomfortability.
-Buddies issues and on making assumptions: neither one are fail-safe; buddy zone can be dangerous for the heart.
72. brx said the following at 1:36 PM on May 14:
Re: Laura [#33],
Along the lines of what you bring up, it might be good to point out in the guide:
You train others in how to treat you by the way you treat yourself and the boundaries that you assert.
A pastor/MFT talked a lot about that, but neglected to mention that healthy boundary assertion goes in hand with good communication. IE; do NOT assume that other people can read your mind, that they just know or understand your expectations or boundaries. Talk about them and talk about your reasoning. Consider the definition of "tact". Ask about their expectations and boundaries. And as you both talk about those things, be asking "are these loving and Jesus-like?"
Perfection in rules, structure, and expectations is not what makes good, dynamic relationships, but Jesus-like attitude and trajectory is.
----------------
another thought to include in the book:
Ask, "what am I attracted too?" "Am I really attracted to the right things?" If you find you're not attracted to the right things that really go into making a lasting marriage, then ask why not and how to go about having a heart change.
Grace, peace & adventure in the awkward!
73. Court said the following at 1:40 PM on May 14:
what about what makes a man notice a woman? What makes a man ask a woman out and what makes him not ask a woman out?
74. Court said the following at 1:42 PM on May 14:
Oh! also, info for if you are in your thirties and still not married. I am definitely NOT one of those women who put her career before relationships and it seems that is what most people think is the reason as to why I am single. It seems that Christians have all this advice and interest in 20somethings getting married - but, once you past 30, all interest is over.
75. Stephanie said the following at 1:57 PM on May 14:
I would love to see a simple list of questions to ask/topics to bring up. I usually have concerns (I mean in the relationships I had), but don't know if I am being too sensitive or asking too much too soon.
Later on I usually wish I would have asked more earlier on in the relationship.
76. RLynn said the following at 2:06 PM on May 14:
I agree with Renee68--something for us older singles (40+) who have never been married and are still interested. We haven't put our lives on hold, are growing believers and active in church, and most of us haven't had a date in years. Do we just "give up" or still have reason to be hopeful?
77. Beth G said the following at 2:08 PM on May 14:
I agree with No. 47. How should Christian singles evaluate another's past? If a potential marriage partner has come to faith late in life after a lengthy season of wild, indulgent partying, what is the demarcation point for expecting them to meet Biblical standards for relationships? Immediately at salvation? How should moral failures while a professing Christian be handled? If one potential mate is eager for the other to "forgive and forget" their past is that a red flag? And these days, with older singles faced with fewer potential marriage partners, odds may be high that a potential partner could have been divorced, so how does that factor in? How should a Christian evaluate whether a potential partner's divorce met Biblical parameters that would permit remarriage?
78. BDB said the following at 2:50 PM on May 14:
>>I second what Janelle said. What should we be doing with these 'in between' years that's productive and preparatory? <<
At first I thought that said, "Preparatory Purgatory."
79. BDB said the following at 3:10 PM on May 14:
brx (#72) wrote:
>>A pastor/MFT talked a lot about that, but neglected to mention that healthy boundary assertion goes in hand with good communication. IE; do NOT assume that other people can read your mind, that they just know or understand your expectations or boundaries.<<
Oh, this would be a good one. I definitely know single women who get upset about their "boundaries" but never actually communicated where their boundary was. I really think this creates a problem in groups.
Example: say a woman decides to set her boundary so that she will never go to lunch or coffee alone with a man. A guy asks, she says it's inappropriate. Well, communicating that it is her boundary is good. Getting upset that he dared to ask is not really fair - and probaly will reinforce a trend in that group of no one asking for fear of doing something inappropriate.
Someone could easily conclude that if she feels that way, her friends ALSO feel that way, and then the guy adjusts to not asking ANY of them out so as to not do anything inappropriate.
Meanwhile, he has non-Christian women inviting him to lunch or out for coffee.
Even on facebook people set different boundaries for no discernable reason:
1) Some women who are fine with intiating the friending.
2) Some women who will accept a friend request, but will not initiate it.
3) Some women who believe it's inappropriate to be friends with anyone they don't know in another context.
Who's right? Is there a "right" answer? Or is the important thing for people to communicate where their boundaries are so that other people know what to do, instead of simply running on their past experience with others.
I completely agree that it's a red flag when someone deliberately ignores your boundaries - the same thing is true in a work environment. But is it reasonable to expect others to guess where those boundaries are?
80. Sarah said the following at 8:25 PM on May 14:
how to plan on becoming a stay at home mom, like what is contained in the article "If you want it all, you need a plan"
how to start praying together and ways to grow spiritually with each other
81. eBeth said the following at 10:49 PM on May 14:
What a married relationship looks like for people who've never been exposed (grew up in a single parent home). I.e., 1 argument doesn't mean you and he aren't a good match. Just some basics that might seem obvious to some folks :) Thanks for the writing and guidance. Your site has been such a blessing.
82. Jorden said the following at 11:55 PM on May 14:
Wow you girls are going to have the boundless writers going for months before they finish this book if they answer all your questions :P. Not always a bad thing. I just found it slightly funny.
Sounds like it will be good though. Will probably peek in and see what it says when it's finished ;).
83. Candice Watters said the following at 2:58 PM on May 15:
Wow, awesome advice everyone.
When I finish answering all your questions, I'll have the 5,000 page guide ready to go!
Seriously, we're aiming for late summer. Hang in there, it will be ready soon!
84. Another Commenter said the following at 7:51 AM on May 16:
I have read that unresolved problems with one's own family relationships can create problems in marriage. How can we be aware of and avoid these kinds of potential problems?
85. Anna Beth said the following at 11:52 AM on May 16:
My personal beliefs on marriage is that the main point (not all of them, but the main point), is that you can serve God better TOGETHER than you can APART. If you can do more things together for serving God and his Kingdom then you can while being single, that is the main reason to why you marry. Love, compatibiltiy, worldviews, companionship, etc etc, are are very important factors, but for me; the most important is that you're better together for God than apart.
86. em said the following at 12:38 PM on May 16:
What to do if you are not a "good, sweet Christian girl"...
I mean, you are a passionate disciple of Jesus Christ and seek to follow Him in every area of your life, but you just aren't and probably never will be what the guys are taught to value in a woman or women are taught to value in each other... They are superficial things maybe but people have started to equate them with godliness or being "feminine." Like loving flowers and gifts of chocolate, scrapbooking or shopping, watching chick flix, not being educated beyond high school (or maybe have a bachelors in teaching or nursing)... instead, you are bold, enjoy initiating and leadership roles, read books for fun and work in a male dominated profession... We few women who are "Rationals" in the Myers Briggs assessment can easily feel very left out by extra-biblical Christian stereotypes.
The most helpful thing I ever read from Boundless was Rachel Starr Thomson's article "For Such a Girl as I" in your experiment with a magazine.
87. em said the following at 2:51 PM on May 16:
85 - Anna Beth...
Great point, but for most of us, "Love, compatibility, worldviews, companionship, etc" are how we get an idea of whether we would serve God better together than apart. It's easy enough once someone is married to look at them and say that no matter what they are going through, God's purpose is best served - he is most glorified - in the marital context. But before marriage, one has to make the decision about whether to spend the rest of one's foreseeable future with another. One doesn't usually decide to do that with someone to whom they are not attracted, for whom they do not feel affection, where there is obvious incompatibility in worldview and whose company they do not particularly enjoy because they believe that they would somehow be better together than apart for God... :-) Hosea was the exception not the rule, eh?
88. tina said the following at 7:33 PM on May 16:
Re: em's comment. #86
Excellent teachers and nurses must take initiative, be bold, and lead those around them. Please don't demean these professions and those whose highest level of education is high school. There could be a number of circumstantial, personal, financial reasons why one obtains a high school diploma and/or beyond.
89. BDB said the following at 10:30 PM on May 16:
OK, em, I understand your point.
(For the record, I test as an eNTj)
Think of it this way: just because you can take control of a situation, doesn't mean you must take control.
I have three critical incidents I can share.
Early in my career, when I was about 24, I was scheduled to go on a business trip with a sales manager, a married woman in her late 30's. Being an experienced traveler, I volunteered to make all the arrngements. She let me do it. This included everything from plane tickets to ground transportation to hotel. I'm sure she had the ability to do it, but she let me do it.
More recently, I went to visit someone. While I arranged my own flight, she insisted on doing everything else: picking me up at the airport, picking a restaurant, having her assistant make my hotel reservation, etc. It actually took me a while to figure out what was happening: she was insisting on taking the initiative with everything. Unless I pried it out of her fingers.
Last year, I had the opposite thing happen again. I was asked to participate in a market study driving some cars. I was assigned a college student for a few hours to take down my responses to the extensive questionaire.
It became quickly apparent that we were going to be going into and out of the building over and over again with each car. It just felt wrong for this tiny college girl to be opening doors for me, even though she was officially "in charge." So after the first one, I made sure I was walking faster as appropriate. We didn't discuss it, she just let me do it. It was nice to not have to fight over a simple courtesy.
My grandmother has a powerful intellect and personality. She is still quite sharp at 93. If we were to take one of these fathers who believed would be a mom and therefore not need college, and sat him down with my grandmother - well, after a few hours, I'm confident that she would change his theology and send him away with a stack of brochures to get his daughter enrolled in something pronto. She's still that strong, and passionate about education.
But she doesn't try to control everything. She and my grandfather divvied up the world, and each of them gets to control half the world. They are BOTH passionate about education.
Which is why all my female cousins went to college and graduated, then went to graduate school...we have one doctor, one lawyer and one accountant among the three girls.
90. em said the following at 10:49 PM on May 16:
no offense intended...I think I meant the opposite of what you heard in my comment. I don't mean to imply that I or anyone is "better" in any way because of formal education, type of profession, personality or movie preference. There are many girly girls who are extraordinarily godly - and of course teachers and nurses impact lives like few others. Rather than demeaning these choices, I was intending to observe that they are (RIGHTLY) held up as models in the Christian community - but often to the neglect of equally godly choices by others. In other words, I'm saying that if there are two amazing women - one a third grade teacher who patiently instructs, corrects and gives her life away for twenty boys and girls and the other a small business owner who runs a crew that specializes in home renovations and repairs - based on profession alone, some Christians will conclude that the first woman is more godly/feminine than the other. I'm suggesting this ought not be. Both women may be mature and growing disciples of Christ, although their lives look quite different. The diverse giftings of a wide variety of women should be valued in the church.
For my edification, can you explain what in my comment sounded demeaning to you? One of my most amazingly gifted friends, who challenges my mind and whose company I just enjoy is an SAHM who never went to college and has never worked in a white collar professional environment, and she is very "girly" in her home decorating style. I don't look down on her at all and wouldn't tolerate anyone else doing so. I hope you can see why it would concern me that my words communicated to you a lack of respect for women whose gifts are different from mine.
It has just been my experience that, in the church, Esthers and Hannahs and Tabithas are compared favorably to Jaels and Deborahs and Priscillas. The Bible doesn't make such judgments and we shouldn't either...
91. Belle said the following at 3:16 PM on May 17:
Perhaps a wee section on what young girls (try teenager years) can do to start preparing for the whole marriage/engagement scene. I may be young, but it is never too early to start preparing!!!
92. Em said the following at 9:50 PM on May 17:
Also, how about encouragement and advice about balancing serving God during your single years in your church and community while also making time for a relationship.
93. H.A.P. said the following at 10:05 AM on May 18:
I think it would be good to look at spiritual gifts and temperaments early in a relationship. If you believe in masculine leadership and spiritual headship, then when you marry you are essentially joining his ministry. If you are strikingly different, it is a good thing to evaluate what that means for your future ministry together.
I'm the type that would 100x rather worship by washing dishes in the church kitchen than waving my hands on stage. Thankfully my husband isn't a worship leader, but if he was I have no doubt he would want me right beside him. I am so thankful that instead he is a Sunday school teacher. This is something I can work along side him comfortably using my gifts and talents as well.
94. H.A.P. said the following at 10:09 AM on May 18:
I loved the Guy's Guide, by the way, and hope the Girl's Guide is as simple and direct.
95. Cassandra said the following at 10:16 AM on May 18:
They are superficial things maybe but people have started to equate them with godliness or being "feminine." Like loving flowers and gifts of chocolate, scrapbooking or shopping, watching chick flix, not being educated beyond high school (or maybe have a bachelors in teaching or nursing)... instead, you are bold, enjoy initiating and leadership roles, read books for fun and work in a male dominated profession... We few women who are "Rationals" in the Myers Briggs assessment can easily feel very left out by extra-biblical Christian stereotypes.
I am an NT Rational, have a leadership position at work and The Notebook is not my favorite movie. I defy a lot of feminine stereotypes too, but I've come to really appreciate the ideals of Biblical femininity. I think it's important to separate Biblical femininity from cultural 1950s femininity. Biblical feminity does not dictate what type of movies you'll like, education level you'll attain or that you'll like to cook and crochet, but it does talk about male and female roles within relationships and in church. And even those definitions leave quite a bit of wiggle room for people's gifts and personality types. I have a leadership role at work so I love "following" in my personal life. :)
96. Sheri said the following at 4:33 PM on May 19:
#50
They may have simply been together when she had to make a purchase. I've dragged guys with me to Walmart when I was buying groceries or running erreands because they wanted to go.
97. Jeff said the following at 9:17 PM on May 19:
I think a girls guide would be an excellent idea. Here are some of my suggestions for my sisters.
1. Find a man who is truly dedicated to growing in the Lord (even if he doesn't have all of the trappings of spirituality).
2. Marry a man with a good work ethic. Doesn't have to be rich, but should be diligent.
3. Find a guy who compliments your weaknesses with his strengths and vice versa.
4. Marry someone who will be disciplined in loving you even if he doesn't feel like it.
5. Find a man who respects your family even if he doesn't always agree with them.
98. Gracie said the following at 2:45 PM on May 21:
Candice,
I'm thrilled to hear that you're thinking of doing this! We ... well, I'll speak for myself ... I need it!
First, suggestions on getting your guy friends to read "Guy's Guide"? :) I think that would tae care of the need for a girl's version.
I guess my biggest overall concern/area of interest/need for clarification is life planning, for lack of a better term. I'm currently a nursing student, living at home, and commuting about 20 minutes 5 times or more a week for classes. My family and I are deeply invested in a small group of former-legalist Christians. We have a large percentage of young adults, especially young men, ranging in years from 25 to 18. Not a single one is married! Not a single one has ever dated! Not a single one has ever shown an interest in any one from the opposite sex! With my parents' blessing, I've decided to pursue a four year degree at a Christian college. Although, I'm not exactly fainting with a desire to get married at this point, I know I CAN NOT, as a person AND as believer, stay single! It won't work!I guess what I'm really suggesting is that we as young women need to know when we have the permission to move out (not just from our parent's homes; in other ways, too) in the hopes that that step would lead to marriage. I feel God's leading to go forward with my choices, but there's no denying it's difficult. If I knew I was going to be married in the next few years, I think I would stay home. However, I don't have that confidence. Instead, I only know that Christ loves me, and it seems important that I make proactive choices to get where He ultimately wants me.
Whew! I'm completely going in circles ... fact of the matter is, there's often not a whole lot going in terms of marriage (and, let it be said now that I am generally considered an opttimist). When does a girl move forward to serve Christ alone while still hoping to marry, believing that she WILL marry, and keeping herself available and open to the possibility? Are there some practical choices that may be more condusive with marriage? Should college be an option when you do want to marry, and not when you're 45?
99. Miandra said the following at 5:41 PM on May 21:
I would love it! thanks!
100. em said the following at 6:24 PM on May 21:
Cassandra (#96), I think you are correct in saying this: "I think it's important to separate Biblical femininity from cultural 1950s femininity."
Sadly, a lot of churches seem to still want stereotypically 1950s women and call that "femininity." I wonder if they would accept the woman King Lemuel's mother encouraged him to find.
Sometimes I lead and sometimes I follow. I can and do follow good leaders - at work & in my personal life. I also lead at times. I like a healthy give and take, with mutual respect and trade offs in leading and following. But as an ENTJ, I have been told for years that it is "bad / ungodly / unfeminine" for me to initiate activities or talk first in a group or lead a mixed gender ministry team, or even start a conversation sometimes. I highly value the local church, I respect my pastor, & I want to be obedient to Scripture but sometimes all the legalism surrounding gender roles tempts me to want to run away and never come back.