He Who Loves His Wife Loves Himself
by Heather Koerner on 05/21/2009 at 8:04 AM
I remember the first time I started rooting for professional golfer Phil Mickelson. It was the 1999 U.S. Open. Mickelson was in serious contention to win his first-ever major championship, but insisted on wearing a pager throughout. You see, his wife was expecting their first child (expecting any moment, in fact) and was to page him if she went into labor. Mickelson made it known that if the pager went off, he was off as well.
There's a man, I thought, who knows his priorities. I was hooked (or sliced).
Today, I rooted for Phil and his wife again. Mickelson announced that his wife Amy has been diagnosed with breast cancer and that he will be taking an "indefinite leave" from the PGA Tour.
Jack Nicklaus commented, “No one, especially Amy, deserves to have to face the battle that accompanies cancer. But we know that Amy has this amazing inner strength and spirit, and with Phil’s unwavering love and support, they will fight and overcome this.”
With his unwavering love and support. They will fight. Wow.
In his book, The Christian Husband, Bob Lepine tells a story about Robertson McQuilken. McQuilken served for years as the president of Columbia Bible College and Seminary until his wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Lepine quotes him:
"I approached the college board of trustees with the need to begin the search for my succcessor. I told them that when the day came that Muriel needed me full-time, she would have me ... So began years of struggle with the question of what should be sacrificed: ministry or caring for Muriel ... When the time came, the decision was firm. It took no great calculation. It was a matter of integrity.
That was no grim duty to which I was stoically resigned, however. It was only fair. She had, after all, cared for me for almost four decades with marvelous devotion; now it was my turn."
Lepine writes how McQuilken is "a reminder that it is often harder to live for your wife than it would be to die for her...In the end, sacrificial love involves a willingness on the part of a husband not only to prefer his wife as more important than himself (see Phil. 2:3), but a readiness to lay down everything he holds dear to care for her. It is a decision on the part of a husband that nothing will supersede his marriage covenant. It's the kind of love that never gives up."
It's an amazing and mysterious truth that he who loves his wife loves himself. But a truth, it is. I just want to honor those husbands who lay down their lives, those who are willing to and those who aspire to be that kind of husband.
1. Em said the following at 8:27 AM on May 21:
So beautiful...THAT'S the kind of man I want to marry :)
2. Sarah P. said the following at 9:04 AM on May 21:
Something like that is almost unbearably beautiful. I think it is because it images Christ so clearly.
3. Charity said the following at 9:05 AM on May 21:
Wow. Love the PGA and love watching Mickelson play. I had the pleasure of following him down the fairway (with about a thousand others:)) in March of this year during Saturday's round of the CA Championship in Miami (Doral). Mickelson has come a long way since the days when he used to 'lose his wheels' any time he pulled ahead.
I'm thrilled to see that, when so many celebrity marriages fold under pressure, Phil Mickelson knows where his true priorities are.
4. Charlotte C. said the following at 9:37 AM on May 21:
Wow, I just wish I could meet a man like that. This was a touching post :)
5. Holly said the following at 10:25 AM on May 21:
*tear*
6. Jen said the following at 10:33 AM on May 21:
I'm in total agreement but would like to add I hope I will be that kind of wife too when/if the time comes.
7. Janice said the following at 10:38 AM on May 21:
I love that you wrote this article. In a society that does all it can to belittle men, tear down men, and make it all about the individual, Phil is taking a stand for his marriage and family. That matters.
I had the privilege of working 4 years for a man who left his job as a CFO to care for his terminally ill wife (cancer). Seeing the dailiness of Steve's sacrifice, his commitment to her "in sickness and in health," and the effect on his marriage and family ... is still staggering a decade later.
We need more men like Steve and Phil! I've always admired Phil's integrity on the golf course and now have further reason to respect him off the green.
8. Merly said the following at 10:39 AM on May 21:
It has been almost 3 years now since my mom passed away from breast cancer. In some ways, the struggle to watch a loved one endure this pain is equivalent to the suffering itself. She changed from being a full-time nurse, amazing mother and wife, to being bed-ridden for nearly 18 months. I always say she was still as active as her pain would allow.
Through those years of struggle and finally death, I saw the true nature of love emerge from my father. He quit his job and literally provided around-the-clock care for mom meeting her every need like a father caring for a child. My sister and I had a chance to witness the most amazing years of my parents' 30- year marriage play out in front of us.
Having experienced this has redefined the qualities I now look for in a guy. It's probably not fair to hold someone up to such a standard, but true character is always revealed in the toughest of circumstances.
Thanks for the post... =)
9. BDB said the following at 11:10 AM on May 21:
Billionaire John Malone has a private jet.
But his wife is afraid to fly.
So he also has a bus for when they travel together.
Here is an old article, seventh paragraph down.
10. Chad said the following at 11:20 AM on May 21:
Charlotte (#4), if church is one of the places you meet men, I would ask you to consider how you know you haven't already met one like that?
11. Michaella said the following at 11:52 AM on May 21:
Heather, you just made my day.
Recently the Lord did something amazing in me that I didn't think possible...He showed me that real faith in Him and His perfect plan for my life is what will allow me to rejoice with and be inspired by those who have what I want, especially concerning relationships, (instead of thinking resentful or depressing thoughts!)
It's a MUCH better way to live...not to mention, you give to your female friends the gift of a friend who is ACTUALLY GENUINELY rejoicing with her!
Thank you so much for sharing this.
12. Elisabeth said the following at 12:51 PM on May 21:
That was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing.
13. Steve said the following at 1:08 PM on May 21:
I would without a doubt do this if I could. Phil Mickelson is a multimillionaire through his years as a pro-golfer and his endorsement deals. I would suspect that most of us other husbands, though wanting to do the same, would not be able to due to financial constraints. Which is more of the man? Quitting your job or staying with your job in a very tough situation to still provide for your family?
14. Sarah P. said the following at 2:04 PM on May 21:
Steve (#12): I expect that you would take the situation as it came and do whatever was most appropriate to love your wife, day by day. I don't think that love is a competition to prove manliness. :)
15. Michaella said the following at 2:33 PM on May 21:
I hear what you're saying Steve....if we're not careful we can be swept away by big gestures...which can often necessitate access to lots of resources.
I can only speak for myself and share that what would touch my heart is the heart of a man that places my needs above his and is willing to sacrifice for me, is willing to be inconvenienced for me. And of course, that can mean staying in a tough job for your family's sake.
The catch is that that is a matter of the heart so it'll be hard for any on the outside to judge;o)
Maybe men should just be in competition with Christ...to aim to love their wives as He loves the church.
And btw, I pray that I will be a wife who will similarly place my husband's needs above my own too.
God bless;o)
16. Michaella said the following at 2:35 PM on May 21:
And the man who is "more of a man" (not that I think it need be a competition) would perhaps be the one who loves his wife more.
And we'll prolly never be absolutely sure who that is because that's a heart issue and God says we don't even know our own hearts...moreso someone else's.
Only He knows:o)
17. Joy W. said the following at 2:39 PM on May 21:
My dad was an amazing model of this same kind of sacrificial love in his marriage to my mom. Though healthy when they married, she was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis several years later.
Eventually, she became completely unable to walk, so my dad built ramps and did what he could to make the house more accessible for her. My family is by no means wealthy, but since we kids were grown, he retired at 65 (not his original plan) to stay home and take care of her.
I know it wasn't easy for him sometimes, but his tenderness toward her surpassed that of any nurse or other professional caregiver. My dad is my hero.
18. Merly said the following at 3:09 PM on May 21:
Joy (#17) My mom was placed on in-home hospice care during her last 6 months. It was an awful experience to endure as a family, but even their staff agreed my father cared better for my mom. She was a nurse and they say nurses make for difficult patients...they're right! =) You're right...dad's are heroes.
19. Rachael said the following at 4:00 PM on May 21:
I agree with Lepin in that it would often be harder to live self-sacrifically for someone than to die for the person.
If someone came up to me and said, "One of you will die. You or _________." Most likely I'd give my life, as would many other people if in the same situation. (Unless perhaps there was the inkling that the person would kill us both and so it would be pointless to do that...I don't know. It's too hypothetical.)
But, DAILY DYING (self-sacrifice) with joy seems so tough to me. Even if I do things, I don't always have the attitude of joy, or disappointment can accompany it. "Daily dying" is also most realistic in that I'll likely never have the opportunity to actually literally sacrifice my life for someone (though it could happen...it might be more realistic for people like firefighters, though).
I think, often perhaps, physically dying would seem easy, or at least easier, in comparison to the daily dying. But at the same time, maybe those heroes who gave their lives would give anything to daily die instead of physically die...
Grass is always greener on the other side.
Then there are probably the people who fit into both categories (daily dying and literally giving their life for another)...like, Jesus for example. And there was nothing easy about His death....
So, not to minimize heroes who literally give their lives. That's so cool!
Anyway, though, daily dying does seem hard, but I want to grow in this area.
20. Rachael said the following at 4:07 PM on May 21:
There's a book I've not read but is mentioned on The Blazing Center blog called "Loving Your Wife As Christ Loves the Church" by Larry E. McCall. Probably wives could benefit as well and perhaps learn to grow in their love for their husbands. Some of the chapters are mentioned on that blog.
I don't know if the blog's website that talks about this book will come through on here, but in case it does, it's:
http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2009/03/husbands-this-books-for-you.html
21. BDB said the following at 5:01 PM on May 21:
OK, the point of the article I attempted to cite is that a mean old cable executive has a lot in common with the golfer cited in the OP. Except he's a billionaire who could, in theory, afford be a playboy if he wanted to. He chooses another path.
Since something is wrong with the link in the comments today, so here is the relevant paragraph:
The telephone does not ring in Malone's office--except when his wife, Leslie, calls on a line reserved for her. All other calls are screened by a lone secretary. For a man driven to succeed, Malone has an unusually brief office day--five and a half hours. He arrives at about 9 A.M., leaves at 11:30 A.M. to drive home for lunch with his wife, returns just before 2 P.M., and leaves three hours later, sometimes to meet Leslie at a local health club. To accommodate his wife, who will not fly, he bought a customized recreational vehicle two years ago--"a land yacht," he calls it, noting that it is the same size as a Greyhound bus. Twice a year (in late January and in early June), they pack their dogs--seven of them--into the vehicle, fill the tank, and drive nearly forty hours to Boothbay, Maine, where they have a vacation home. They spend several months a year there.
22. katers said the following at 9:32 PM on May 21:
Rachael (#20), I would definitely recommend Pastor Larry's book. : ) He is my pastor at the church I go to during the school year, and he is a very good teacher of the Bible. Now that it's summer I'm sad that I won't get to hear him preach for another three months!
23. Leah said the following at 11:30 PM on May 24:
Steve (13) - I don't know how America looks after people in this situation in their welfare system, but in Australia, if your partner requires around-the-clock medical assistance, you can quit your job and get welfare payments to support the two of you- most likely, your partner on a disability pension, and yourself on a carers pension. Or you can stay in your job and still get payments (probably less) to pay for a nurse.
24. Debbie said the following at 1:38 PM on May 31:
This is a first for me to dig into a blog...hmmm.God...There are extraordinary men, doing wonderful acts because GOD is in place, and on the throne. I witnessed it when my mom was diagnosed w/lung cancer; w/9mos.-1 yr. to live. I don't belive he knew God's hand was over him, but looking back, he retired from his half of a family business, and took very good care of her, until she died, 9 mos. later. They were both mightily blessed in all this. And, I.
25. Mary Hart said the following at 7:11 PM on Jun 5:
Thank you for this article! My husband, Tom Hart, is that kind of man. Family first. His love for the Lord and family shines above all others. He has generously supported our family, children and me on many occasions beyond the call of duty. One year I was offered a summer job assignment. He wanted me to try it. So I accepted. Do you know he played MR. Mom and organized CAMP DAD organizing board games, Sport camp practice activities, outdoor education events, trail hikes, bike rides, crafts, meal times, field trips to the zoo, beach and amusement parks. Our children offered the program to neighborhood friends and CAMP DAD filled right up. The two week venture was a big success. Tom video taped most of the two weeks. The kids will always remember that very educational and awesome time with their beloved father. I am so proud of him his giving goes beyond imagination. Thank you.