"How're ya doin'?"
"Just fine."
"Yeah? No, really, how are you doing?"
"Um."
So, are they a bit out of line for pressuring me for vulnerability, or am I a bit out of line for giving a culturally-expected response to what I interpreted as a simple way to make a connection, a simple way to affirm each other's existence?
Discuss.
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"Fine" usually suffices for me for the polite "how are you?" from the casual acquaintance.
I don't like "What's up" though I've probably used it and may use it in the future. The standard rushed response is just "Not much". How boring. How can "Not much" really be up...
I wish we had more casual interesting expressions in our greeting exchanges.
On a culturally verbal sidenote...
Sunday at church my husband and I were talking with someone...my husband shared some difficult news, and the man's response? "Praise the Lord." I find this quite interesting, but I might not be brave enough to use it to someone if they were sharing their difficult news with me. I hope I would be able to handle receiving this response should I share hard news. I might even appreciate it. It's so interesting to me, and I like this.
I believe the Lord gives and takes away, and it would be neat if this attitude were more prevalent, but I suppose in our culture the standard "I'm sorry..." will suffice as responses to hard news. It's the heart that counts...
My greatest pet peev in all of life is when people ask how I'm doing as they walk past me without stopping. Rude. I know it's meant as a greeting not a question, but it wearies me to say "fine" or "good" quickly enough for them to still be in ear shot.
Although, it's not as bad in the West as it was in the South. And the worst place of all in the South is in church.
So all that to say, I do believe we are culturally conditioned to give a lame and completely insincere response to inquiries about how we're doing. And it's sad.
Well, the economy is in a difficult place. People do handle this kind of upheaval differently. Those who experience mass layoffs for the first time often experience a range of emotions - whether they are among those that lose their job or among the remainder that have to pick up extra work.
Those of use who've been through it a few times may have been making contingency plans all along, so we simply execute the plan when things get difficult. It's possible that those experiencing more dramatic emotions are concerned that the quiet ones are internalizing all the stress.
I don't think there is any Biblical commandment for people to be "vulnerable" with everyone who wants to know what everyone is feeling.
At the same time, I've tried to be careful to be open to talking with people out of work who are being proactive and acheiving mixed results. It's a balance - people who are used to working with others lose that when they lose their job - they benefit from being able to run through their tactics on being proactive with people - but it's still a mental adjustment to prepare to work for a new organization.
Some people do sink into depression when they lose their job. Others start building a variety of pro-active approaches. I think the pro-active people prefer to talk to each other, because they're all working the problem aggressively. But they aren't necessarily looking for empty platitudes, or a shoulder to cry on. They're most comfortable with others who are working the problem.
Of course, it's not just job stress. I notice that people who are absorbed with new parenting challenges are often most comfortable discussing them with other parents. Those facing a cancer diagnosis are often most comfortable discussing "the new normal" with those who've been through it.
I think a close friend, wanting to encourage you that he still IS a close friend in a setting in which there is an adequate amount of time and space to discuss serious issues does well to put a little bit of pressure on a close friend for information that will help him be a better friend during that specific season.
Otherwise, I think it can be really out of line to demand vulnerability from acquaintances. I think people whose intentions may be good still need to realize that many people question others about their lives in order to gossip, pass judgment, or just give themselves the upper hand. Even when this is not the case, a person being questioned may feel uncomfortable when someone tries to make a play for the contents of his heart. We need to be wise, sometimes, about whom we share our hearts with. That being the case, I think we need to respect the rights of others to be wise, and help them to do so.
Though this does remind me of an exchange I heard from a comic once:
Married Person: How's your love life?
Single Person: Fine. How's your sex life?
[Ponder possible responses here.]
I think it's fine to reply with a short, "standard" response, as long as it's truthful. If someone asks, "How are you?" and you say, "Good," when in fact your life is going down the tubes, that's hardly an honest response.
That being said, you don't want to pour out your troubles to every casual acquaintance.
In my interactions, I try to be truthful, but in a non-intrusive way. Meaning, my response (generally "Okay") could be taken at face value, or a good friend could dig deeper. Either way, I haven't misled them.
Maybe that's a little bit of overthinking, but I think of "taking every thought captive" (2 Cor. 10:5) when I'm tempted to just rattle off the standard, potentially dishonest, greetings.
And when I can't honestly say that I'm doing okay? I try to remember that the Lord is good and sovereign, and I can honestly say my life is good because of him. : )
"So, are they a bit out of line for pressuring me for vulnerability...?"
Yeah, I'd say so. Maybe you really are 'just fine'. Their response rejects your answer.
It seems like they genuinely want to know how you are, which is great - but it's up to you how much you share with them. So if they're concerned because they know of a particular issue that's been bothering you, or if they just want to let you know that they really are interested (not just being polite), they can always ask a more specific follow-up question.
ie, "Yeah? So how's work going?" or "Yeah? So did that problem with your relative sort itself out in the end?" Or whatever the case may be. That way they can show that they've been thinking of you, and let you know that you can be more open with them if you want to. All without making you feel uncomfortable.
That's what I'd do, anyway.
Ashley-yeah, that bugs me too! Why ask if you won't take the time to listen?
Ted-For me, it's one of those things where what I say usually depends on how well I know a person (my best friends will hear a lot more detail than casual acquaintances)
I think they might be a little out of line, but they may also be genuinely interested, so it is hard to say what the best response is.
Though I should also take this seriously and mention that I've had the opposite situation occur.
There was one instance when I felt like I needed to tell someone that I believed we as Christians were expected to extend grace to others when they make mistakes; that we had an obligation to forgive people when they repent for example. I knew that if I put something like that in writing, I'd have to live by it.
I was stunned when a few hours later I got a really long e-mail response about a really difficult family situation - one I was completely unaware of. Something I'd never even thought to ask about, frankly. In retrospect, I can see how the situation has shaped other areas of their life. We can all be impacted by the choices other people make.
Of course, being allowed in to a family confidence in one instance does not mean they want to discuss it every time we see each other at church. It's not their entire identity. But if they want to bring it up from time to time, I'm prepared for that now.
I know a number of people with cancer who don't like to talk about it in general because it scares people and causes them to pull back. When they find out I have close family and friends who've experienced cancer, the floodgates open.
There was one ministry activity I was doing that was broken into small teams. The guy I was assigned on a team with had advanced cancer. One day he came and said he felt awful, but that his wife basically told him he needed to get out of the house and do something, and this was about all he had the energy to do. It was only a few hours per month. I felt the responsibility of being his only ministry outlet during the waning months of his life. But I also wanted to honor his decision to keep his commitment to the ministry and continue doing something useful, even though he didn't really have the energy to work full-time any more.
umm... who are 'they'? cause that can really influence my answer.
on a related note, when i was in crusade years ago we did a skit about this exact topic, where one person, pretending to walk by another on campus, smiled and loudly said "Hey! There you are!!!" and the other replied "hi!!! there YOU are!" and that was that. it was pretty funny.
...are they a bit out of line for pressuring me for vulnerability?
I don't think so. Rather, I might go a step further and say gentle pressure is almost a serving duty between brothers & sisters in Christ.
Ted, you might be out of line if you interpret "How're ya doin'?" to mean less than "how are you doing?" and/or answering "fine" when you don't really believe you are doing fine.
Too often I believe, we don't even think about the questions and phrases we speak in passing. Let's change it up and be more specific!
I think Jo (#8) has the right idea. Asking a follow-up question is *so* much better than the knowing look and tone (which I am unfortunately guilty of).
Depends who's asking. If it was most people asking me that (second time round after me saying 'fine') I'd say whatever was required to make them drop it. Maybe I am fine, maybe I don't want to share my concerns with you.
If it's someone closer who might actually have a reason for asking the second time I might reconsider how much to tell them.
You should always be honest about how you feel. If you feel good, say so. If you are in hard times, say so. Otherwise people can't mourn or support you if they don't know how you feel.
How many times has someone done something stupid - Like going on a shooting rampage or committing suicide - And people who knew that person say they didn't realize that person was feeling so down.
It our responsibility to press others to make sure they really are feeling okay. It our duty to find out what is bothering people, and get them help. If that offends a few people, that is okay. Our duty to care for others is greater.
I'm working through this in my life now. I'm tired of saying "good" or "fine" when it's not. It's really nothing but a lie. Sometimes, I try to be short about though, instead of saying what is really wrong because it would take forever to explain, I respond with "hangin' in there" because I'm still alive, but things are tough. I wish people around me would be real as well to help me be real to them.
Too many times, people call "how are you doing" as they are walking away. I cannot stand that because I cannot get a chance to ask them how they are.
I think it depends on your relationship with the person who asked. If they're a trusted friend the question is far less invasive. If they're mostly a stranger...I don't think it's at all wrong to be put off by the exchange.
If I know the asker well, my answer to "what's up" will often be literal. e.g. the ceiling, clouds, the Red River...
It helps if you remember that "How are you?" "Fine" is really just another form of greeting. Technically, it's a "pragmatic convention," but really we shouldn't be treating the words "How are you?" with a literal "Tell me how you are" unless the context is appropriate for that.
So a person passing on the street really should know better than to press their friend: "No, really how are you?" That's a conversation best had in a quiet place, and preferably over coffee.
I agree with Jo (8). I think I find it more concerning that they don't believe your response that everything's fine. Sometimes, it just is. And if they wanted to show you that they care, just pausing to listening to your reply or even saying "That's great. I'm glad you're doing well," goes far.
my main thought on this subject is not about the prying or lack thereof, but rather the bad responses you can get if you give an honest answer. if you don't ACTUALLY want to know how i am or what is up, don't ask! i'm not saying we need to vomit our troubles on everyone, but people, don't bite someone's head off for giving you a straight answer.
(this goes nicely with ashley's complaint. :))
I think these are typical American dialect idiosyncrasies. I think at the core and ideally, walking by someone and asking “How you doing?” and then just continuing to pass them by is a little odd. As odd as it may be it is something that is acceptable and considered normal by our culture, just like men kissing each other on the cheeks and holding hands is in other parts of the world. I personally avoid this by just saying hello or hi or good morning/afternoon. There is a difference between cordiality and faking concern for another person. I think we should be cordial, but the honest truth is that I don’t necessarily want to hear how some people are so I don’t ask. I don’t care to tell others how I am all the time so I don’t respond literally to their rhetoric of “How are you?” I think a true how are you doing conversation is one held at lunch or somewhere other than a passing by in the professional hallway somewhere or by a stranger.
I remember taking an Eastern European History course in which my professor (who was from Poland) talked about this typical Western greeting and the way the response differed in Eastern Europe.
He said that it was not a question that you merely asked in passing. He said that, where he came from, if you asked someone how they were doing, then it meant that you were prepared to actually listen to them talk about the state of things in their lives.
I found this to be very interesting and little convicting. It made think about the number of times I have said that, waited a mere moment for the customary 'fine' and just kept going about my day. It also made me think of the number of times I have given the customary 'fine, and you?' response when I, indeed, did not feel fine at all. I wondered just how willing I would be to stop and listen to someone (stranger or not) tell me how they REALLY are.
I recall times when I have used this greeting and felt slightly annoyed when the person commenced to complain about their life. One on coworker NEVER had anything positive say when asked and it was becoming kind of a downer. On the other hand, I shouldn't ask if I don't genuinely want to know.
Maybe asking more out of sincerity instead of politeness can lead to a chance to encourage and witness to someone. Maybe answering in truth can lead to receiving the encouragement that you need.
We all need to cut each other some slack. "How are you?" is a common form of greeting, and "Fine." is a common form of acknowledging that greeting. It really doesn't have much meaning beyond "Hello."
There are times, though, when we need to really ask the question and expect a real answer. It's not just in passing, but among friends and loved ones, in a setting that encourages real, intimate conversation.
One problem is, we become conditioned to respond in the same way as we do to the passing comment.
A bigger problem, though, is that we tend to live behind masks. We condition ourselves to show everyone a false front. If they really knew what was going on in our heads, they might not like us. So we hide and posture and brush off honest care and concern.
The Baptist in me seconds Ashley's post, lol. That is a big pet peeve of mine...if you ask how I'm doing and walk away then how am I supposed to answer you?!
I also agree with Susie(#9). It really depends on how close my relationship is with the other people. I like turning "How Are You Doing?" or "What's up?" as a way to let them know how my day has been and then I'll usually throw in a concluding statement. Such as: "So overall it's been good." Or "So really not the best day." Etc.
And then I'll usually ask them how theirs has been if I haven't already.
In general if someone gives me a "fine" then I wouldn't expect anymore from them. Especially when it's someone I'm not as close to or if we're pressed for time.
Aww, I looked at the title and I clicked on it hoping it was an actual question asking us how we were doing LOL
I'm fine. Thanks. :D
When somebody asks me a casual "how are you?" I like to put some sincerity behind the answer. Because honestly, I should always be positive and grateful about the good things in my life. I usually respond with a "you know... all in all, things are going pretty well... you?" Or some version of "I can't complain!" But even when their inquiry is casual (as long as it's not evident they're in a hurry), I take it as an opportunity to show a genuine interest in their life. It's a good way to build rapport and relationships, especially at work.
I think it depends. If it's someone I don't know very well, I don't think I would be very excited about spilling my thoughts and telling them how I'm really doing. But when one of my good friends asks that, I really appreciate it, because it shows that he/she really cares about me and is genuinely interested in knowing how my life is going at the moment.
I don't like the trite answer "Fine." If things are going all right, I usually answer "I'm doing well. How about you?" If things are not, my response is normally "I'm hanging in there." Either way I can be honest without dumping my problems on an unsuspecting acquaintance. At the same time, my close friends have learned what "Hanging in there" really means, so I can say that to an acquaintance and it ends there, or I can say that to a good friend and I have the chance of talking it through with them.
Like others -- it depends on the context.
And I ponder what to say. So many times I say "How are you?" reflexively. At one point I realized I was greeting people this way, even people I *knew* were not doing "fine". It wasn't a matter of insensitivity -- it was my automatic response. And sometimes automatic responses can *come across* as insensitive, even if they aren't intended to be. So I'm learning to say, "Good to see you," or something that's not a question. A phrase like that (hopefully!) demonstrates caring without putting someone on the spot.
On the flip side, I really can't imagine asking anyone but a good friend "No, really, how are you?" And I'd only ask if I had time to really listen to the answer. Perhaps in this case (as others have said) it's good to come up with a phrase like composer girl's "hanging in there" (which I've used as well). It could also be that the *asker* is trying to learn to be more sincere, and demonstrate that they care. But that doesn't give them the right to demand a status update :)
BTW -- I don't have a place to put this, but thanks for the recent Lent articles. I wish you had posted them 30 days ago though :)
This post reminds me of my trip to the slums in Nairobi, Kenya. The children, even teenagers, would run after the vehicle when they saw a bunch of Mzungus(White,Europeans) and shout... "How are you?", "How are you?"! It was really much more of a greeting than a question. And it seemed to be the only English they knew. It really made me rethink that greeting for a while.
It doesn't bother me. It's the modern extraction of the old-fashioned "How do you do," just a greeting/formality, not an actual request for information. It may feel impersonal, but as Ted pointed out, we're not going spill our guts for everyone we say hi to. If I really want to know how someone's doing, I'll stop and look them in the eye and say "how *are* you?" or "how have things been going?" or "how was (fill in the blank with whatever we talked about last.)"
When someone says to me "how are you?" I can tell by the context and their tone whether or not they really want to know, otherwise I answer, "fine thank you." Or if I have more time "Fine thank you. And you?"
Ya, it's more an art than a science. I wouldn't psyche about it, either way. Every day is an adventure that can go many different ways, and grace gets you far. :D Maybe, don't move so quickly that you don't have time for at least a brief detour if someone answers differently than expected. And be aware of how fast they're moving, so that you don't detain them on their way. God is in control, after all. He may intend a key conversation with someone, rather than my plans. :D
Let's see...one of the things I was thinking about are those who DO want to know...because they like to gossip. I do know a few people like that - I hear them talking talking talking about other people's business. I try not to give them too much to work with.
But comment #13 is important. In instances like these shootings, or suicide, usually there is some kind of warning signs. I personally have resolved to listen when I ask how someone is doing, and out spills a lot more than I was expecting. If they snap later on, I want them to remember me as someone who was kind to them.
But I also heard a story from my grandfather. He worked in counseling at the high school. Someone told him that a student was bringing a gun to the school because he was mad at a teacher. My grandfather went out, found the kid, and talked him into going back home.
Today, they'd probably call the S.W.A.T. team.
The thing is, my grandfather's education is in speech and education, and he was a debater. I suspect that he persuaded the kid not to throw his life away by doing something stupid.
I don't think I can always tell when to 'share' and when not to share. Like for example, today on the phone I 'shared'. I've been open with her at least once before I think, but we don't talk often. But we have rubbed elbows at various points in time, in different communities.
I'm not a huge phone person and interact with my friends not very often but often on a meaningful level. And I don't prescribe the term 'friend' as freely as I think some people might. I see a difference between acquaintances and friends.
My husband is the type that is often on the phone with all sorts of people, but I'm not. And now I'm isolated from people my age. I like retired people, and interact with them quite often these days, and will again today and tomorrow, but there's generally not huge heart connections right now, even though they are wonderful.
One day last month or so, I went to my ex-city and met with 3 friends and shared with 2 of them deeply, though I didn't share every single thing, of course. And then today I 'shared' a lot on the phone with another friend.
I think it's generally okay to be isolated but it can be very nice to talk with a caring spirit who's willing to listen.
But I wonder if sharing can be overrated...but what are you supposed to talk about if you don't 'share' or leave it casual? If you're retired and live where I live you can gossip about area happenings. And I think I remember my mom saying that when she was wondering (when she was young) if there was anything anyone else could talk about but gossip...or something like that. So I suppose gossip is an option. And I suppose people can talk about the economy (boring-rama, to some extent. A little is interesting but I wouldn't want to talk about it excessively). Etc.
But it would be nice if other speaking habits could be developped and customary. I suppose if one were to frequently read up on current world events and was initiative about bringing those up, that would be good...or matters of the faith....
As others have mentioned, the question "How are you" and the answer "fine" is simply a cultural greeting/response. It has no real literal meaning in that case. Sometimes, people you know will use it in its literal sense, and you will understand that by the way they ask you. Then, you can feel free to respond literally. Although personally, I do try to vary my responses to see what reaction I can get. "tickety-boo-fine-deluxe," "fantastic," "delightful," "fair-to-middling," you know, that sort of thing. But otherwise, it's really just a greeting. Not a huge deal, in my opinion.
Rachael (#38) wrote:
>>And I suppose people can talk about the economy (boring-rama, to some extent. A little is interesting but I wouldn't want to talk about it excessively). Etc.<<
Oh, that hurts!
Though it does give me another idea. If someone presses for a "deeper" answer, and you're not in the mood, you can start talking about the worldwide economic meltdown. In precise detail. Until they get bored.
Then you can say, "Oh, I'm sorry. Was that too much information? I'll say 'fine' then."
My answer when acquaintances ask me how I am on a day when i don't feel all that great:
"I can't complain. God is good!"
:o)
The last few months have been very difficult--mostly relationship-related, with some other things thrown in. I sometimes have a hard knowing how to answer "how are you" questions. I feel bad dumping on someone if they're only trying to fulfill their social duty--yet really appreciate it when friends push me for a "real" answer. Perhaps it comes across as prying, but others' expressing care for me in this way has helped motivate me to do the same for friends.
In our culture, we tend to be so disconnected, even while maintaining the appearance of connection through facebook, etc. For all of our "friends," we often have few people whom we know well enough to say, "Yes, I've got a smile on my face, but I'm really doing horrible and need a shoulder to cry on." I want to be the kind of friend who people know they can say that to.
I don't think either responses are "out of line," so to speak. I just think they're two different perspectives. One person sees it as a way of helping. The other may see it as intrusive. But in either case, there is a godly way to handle it. If you don't have anything more than, "I'm fine." Be honest. "No, really, I am fine." And if you're not fine but don't want to talk, a simple "I don't want to talk about it right now, but thanks for noticing I'm hurt (or happy)," would suffice. And if you feel like talking ... talk about whatever it is ... I think we've all been in this situation ... and while it may catch us off guard, I don't think getting offensive or defensive is really necessary. It's one of those take it with a grain of salt, respond as graciously as possible and move on.
Well, it greatly depends on the context.
If you're a male addressing a female friend or acquaintance, I'd consider it rude to force vulnerability, as what might be a bothersome factor in their life could also potentially be a fairly private thing, kept to only close close close female friends. You get my drift.
If it's a close same-sex friend whom you've been in fellowship with, I think it is both helpful, necessary, and proper, as we are meant to hold one another up and accountable (Proverbs 27:17)
If you'd like to leave a comment, click here. I couldn't get the commenting feature to work correctly here, but it is available on that less user-friendly mobile version of the blog. Yeah, it's kludgy. Sorry. ~Ted.
1. Rachael said the following at 2:22 PM on Apr 7:
1
"Fine" usually suffices for me for the polite "how are you?" from the casual acquaintance.
I don't like "What's up" though I've probably used it and may use it in the future. The standard rushed response is just "Not much". How boring. How can "Not much" really be up...
I wish we had more casual interesting expressions in our greeting exchanges.
On a culturally verbal sidenote...
Sunday at church my husband and I were talking with someone...my husband shared some difficult news, and the man's response? "Praise the Lord." I find this quite interesting, but I might not be brave enough to use it to someone if they were sharing their difficult news with me. I hope I would be able to handle receiving this response should I share hard news. I might even appreciate it. It's so interesting to me, and I like this.
I believe the Lord gives and takes away, and it would be neat if this attitude were more prevalent, but I suppose in our culture the standard "I'm sorry..." will suffice as responses to hard news. It's the heart that counts...
2. Ashley Harris said the following at 2:29 PM on Apr 7:
2
My greatest pet peev in all of life is when people ask how I'm doing as they walk past me without stopping. Rude. I know it's meant as a greeting not a question, but it wearies me to say "fine" or "good" quickly enough for them to still be in ear shot.
Although, it's not as bad in the West as it was in the South. And the worst place of all in the South is in church.
So all that to say, I do believe we are culturally conditioned to give a lame and completely insincere response to inquiries about how we're doing. And it's sad.
3. BDB said the following at 2:47 PM on Apr 7:
3
Well, the economy is in a difficult place. People do handle this kind of upheaval differently. Those who experience mass layoffs for the first time often experience a range of emotions - whether they are among those that lose their job or among the remainder that have to pick up extra work.
Those of use who've been through it a few times may have been making contingency plans all along, so we simply execute the plan when things get difficult. It's possible that those experiencing more dramatic emotions are concerned that the quiet ones are internalizing all the stress.
I don't think there is any Biblical commandment for people to be "vulnerable" with everyone who wants to know what everyone is feeling.
At the same time, I've tried to be careful to be open to talking with people out of work who are being proactive and acheiving mixed results. It's a balance - people who are used to working with others lose that when they lose their job - they benefit from being able to run through their tactics on being proactive with people - but it's still a mental adjustment to prepare to work for a new organization.
Some people do sink into depression when they lose their job. Others start building a variety of pro-active approaches. I think the pro-active people prefer to talk to each other, because they're all working the problem aggressively. But they aren't necessarily looking for empty platitudes, or a shoulder to cry on. They're most comfortable with others who are working the problem.
4. BDB said the following at 2:49 PM on Apr 7:
4
Of course, it's not just job stress. I notice that people who are absorbed with new parenting challenges are often most comfortable discussing them with other parents. Those facing a cancer diagnosis are often most comfortable discussing "the new normal" with those who've been through it.
5. Sylvia said the following at 3:09 PM on Apr 7:
5
I think a close friend, wanting to encourage you that he still IS a close friend in a setting in which there is an adequate amount of time and space to discuss serious issues does well to put a little bit of pressure on a close friend for information that will help him be a better friend during that specific season.
Otherwise, I think it can be really out of line to demand vulnerability from acquaintances. I think people whose intentions may be good still need to realize that many people question others about their lives in order to gossip, pass judgment, or just give themselves the upper hand. Even when this is not the case, a person being questioned may feel uncomfortable when someone tries to make a play for the contents of his heart. We need to be wise, sometimes, about whom we share our hearts with. That being the case, I think we need to respect the rights of others to be wise, and help them to do so.
6. BDB said the following at 3:38 PM on Apr 7:
6
Though this does remind me of an exchange I heard from a comic once:
Married Person: How's your love life?
Single Person: Fine. How's your sex life?
[Ponder possible responses here.]
7. Dani said the following at 3:49 PM on Apr 7:
7
I think it's fine to reply with a short, "standard" response, as long as it's truthful. If someone asks, "How are you?" and you say, "Good," when in fact your life is going down the tubes, that's hardly an honest response.
That being said, you don't want to pour out your troubles to every casual acquaintance.
In my interactions, I try to be truthful, but in a non-intrusive way. Meaning, my response (generally "Okay") could be taken at face value, or a good friend could dig deeper. Either way, I haven't misled them.
Maybe that's a little bit of overthinking, but I think of "taking every thought captive" (2 Cor. 10:5) when I'm tempted to just rattle off the standard, potentially dishonest, greetings.
And when I can't honestly say that I'm doing okay? I try to remember that the Lord is good and sovereign, and I can honestly say my life is good because of him. : )
8. Jo said the following at 3:52 PM on Apr 7:
8
"So, are they a bit out of line for pressuring me for vulnerability...?"
Yeah, I'd say so. Maybe you really are 'just fine'. Their response rejects your answer.
It seems like they genuinely want to know how you are, which is great - but it's up to you how much you share with them. So if they're concerned because they know of a particular issue that's been bothering you, or if they just want to let you know that they really are interested (not just being polite), they can always ask a more specific follow-up question.
ie, "Yeah? So how's work going?" or "Yeah? So did that problem with your relative sort itself out in the end?" Or whatever the case may be. That way they can show that they've been thinking of you, and let you know that you can be more open with them if you want to. All without making you feel uncomfortable.
That's what I'd do, anyway.
9. Susie said the following at 4:09 PM on Apr 7:
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Ashley-yeah, that bugs me too! Why ask if you won't take the time to listen?
Ted-For me, it's one of those things where what I say usually depends on how well I know a person (my best friends will hear a lot more detail than casual acquaintances)
I think they might be a little out of line, but they may also be genuinely interested, so it is hard to say what the best response is.
10. BDB said the following at 4:14 PM on Apr 7:
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Though I should also take this seriously and mention that I've had the opposite situation occur.
There was one instance when I felt like I needed to tell someone that I believed we as Christians were expected to extend grace to others when they make mistakes; that we had an obligation to forgive people when they repent for example. I knew that if I put something like that in writing, I'd have to live by it.
I was stunned when a few hours later I got a really long e-mail response about a really difficult family situation - one I was completely unaware of. Something I'd never even thought to ask about, frankly. In retrospect, I can see how the situation has shaped other areas of their life. We can all be impacted by the choices other people make.
Of course, being allowed in to a family confidence in one instance does not mean they want to discuss it every time we see each other at church. It's not their entire identity. But if they want to bring it up from time to time, I'm prepared for that now.
I know a number of people with cancer who don't like to talk about it in general because it scares people and causes them to pull back. When they find out I have close family and friends who've experienced cancer, the floodgates open.
There was one ministry activity I was doing that was broken into small teams. The guy I was assigned on a team with had advanced cancer. One day he came and said he felt awful, but that his wife basically told him he needed to get out of the house and do something, and this was about all he had the energy to do. It was only a few hours per month. I felt the responsibility of being his only ministry outlet during the waning months of his life. But I also wanted to honor his decision to keep his commitment to the ministry and continue doing something useful, even though he didn't really have the energy to work full-time any more.
11. mary kate said the following at 4:36 PM on Apr 7:
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umm... who are 'they'? cause that can really influence my answer.
on a related note, when i was in crusade years ago we did a skit about this exact topic, where one person, pretending to walk by another on campus, smiled and loudly said "Hey! There you are!!!" and the other replied "hi!!! there YOU are!" and that was that. it was pretty funny.
12. mary kate said the following at 4:38 PM on Apr 7:
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RE: BDB #6... omg that is AWESOME! i am totally going to use that sometime!!!
13. brx said the following at 4:43 PM on Apr 7:
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...are they a bit out of line for pressuring me for vulnerability?
I don't think so. Rather, I might go a step further and say gentle pressure is almost a serving duty between brothers & sisters in Christ.
Ted, you might be out of line if you interpret "How're ya doin'?" to mean less than "how are you doing?" and/or answering "fine" when you don't really believe you are doing fine.
Too often I believe, we don't even think about the questions and phrases we speak in passing. Let's change it up and be more specific!
14. Dani said the following at 5:25 PM on Apr 7:
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I think Jo (#8) has the right idea. Asking a follow-up question is *so* much better than the knowing look and tone (which I am unfortunately guilty of).
15. Leah said the following at 6:00 PM on Apr 7:
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Depends who's asking. If it was most people asking me that (second time round after me saying 'fine') I'd say whatever was required to make them drop it. Maybe I am fine, maybe I don't want to share my concerns with you.
If it's someone closer who might actually have a reason for asking the second time I might reconsider how much to tell them.
16. Keith said the following at 7:05 PM on Apr 7:
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You should always be honest about how you feel. If you feel good, say so. If you are in hard times, say so. Otherwise people can't mourn or support you if they don't know how you feel.
How many times has someone done something stupid - Like going on a shooting rampage or committing suicide - And people who knew that person say they didn't realize that person was feeling so down.
It our responsibility to press others to make sure they really are feeling okay. It our duty to find out what is bothering people, and get them help. If that offends a few people, that is okay. Our duty to care for others is greater.
17. Lorraine said the following at 8:07 PM on Apr 7:
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I'm working through this in my life now. I'm tired of saying "good" or "fine" when it's not. It's really nothing but a lie. Sometimes, I try to be short about though, instead of saying what is really wrong because it would take forever to explain, I respond with "hangin' in there" because I'm still alive, but things are tough. I wish people around me would be real as well to help me be real to them.
Too many times, people call "how are you doing" as they are walking away. I cannot stand that because I cannot get a chance to ask them how they are.
18. lauren said the following at 9:45 PM on Apr 7:
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I think it depends on your relationship with the person who asked. If they're a trusted friend the question is far less invasive. If they're mostly a stranger...I don't think it's at all wrong to be put off by the exchange.
19. ptschett said the following at 9:50 PM on Apr 7:
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If I know the asker well, my answer to "what's up" will often be literal. e.g. the ceiling, clouds, the Red River...
20. Janelle said the following at 10:33 PM on Apr 7:
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It helps if you remember that "How are you?" "Fine" is really just another form of greeting. Technically, it's a "pragmatic convention," but really we shouldn't be treating the words "How are you?" with a literal "Tell me how you are" unless the context is appropriate for that.
So a person passing on the street really should know better than to press their friend: "No, really how are you?" That's a conversation best had in a quiet place, and preferably over coffee.
21. TFA said the following at 11:05 PM on Apr 7:
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I agree with Jo (8). I think I find it more concerning that they don't believe your response that everything's fine. Sometimes, it just is. And if they wanted to show you that they care, just pausing to listening to your reply or even saying "That's great. I'm glad you're doing well," goes far.
22. Lauren J said the following at 11:08 PM on Apr 7:
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my main thought on this subject is not about the prying or lack thereof, but rather the bad responses you can get if you give an honest answer. if you don't ACTUALLY want to know how i am or what is up, don't ask! i'm not saying we need to vomit our troubles on everyone, but people, don't bite someone's head off for giving you a straight answer.
(this goes nicely with ashley's complaint. :))
23. dwightk said the following at 6:29 AM on Apr 8:
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sometimes I am doing just fine, at least in the context of the question
24. Adam Sloope said the following at 6:43 AM on Apr 8:
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I think these are typical American dialect idiosyncrasies. I think at the core and ideally, walking by someone and asking “How you doing?” and then just continuing to pass them by is a little odd. As odd as it may be it is something that is acceptable and considered normal by our culture, just like men kissing each other on the cheeks and holding hands is in other parts of the world. I personally avoid this by just saying hello or hi or good morning/afternoon. There is a difference between cordiality and faking concern for another person. I think we should be cordial, but the honest truth is that I don’t necessarily want to hear how some people are so I don’t ask. I don’t care to tell others how I am all the time so I don’t respond literally to their rhetoric of “How are you?” I think a true how are you doing conversation is one held at lunch or somewhere other than a passing by in the professional hallway somewhere or by a stranger.
25. BAC said the following at 6:57 AM on Apr 8:
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I remember taking an Eastern European History course in which my professor (who was from Poland) talked about this typical Western greeting and the way the response differed in Eastern Europe.
He said that it was not a question that you merely asked in passing. He said that, where he came from, if you asked someone how they were doing, then it meant that you were prepared to actually listen to them talk about the state of things in their lives.
I found this to be very interesting and little convicting. It made think about the number of times I have said that, waited a mere moment for the customary 'fine' and just kept going about my day. It also made me think of the number of times I have given the customary 'fine, and you?' response when I, indeed, did not feel fine at all. I wondered just how willing I would be to stop and listen to someone (stranger or not) tell me how they REALLY are.
I recall times when I have used this greeting and felt slightly annoyed when the person commenced to complain about their life. One on coworker NEVER had anything positive say when asked and it was becoming kind of a downer. On the other hand, I shouldn't ask if I don't genuinely want to know.
Maybe asking more out of sincerity instead of politeness can lead to a chance to encourage and witness to someone. Maybe answering in truth can lead to receiving the encouragement that you need.
26. Dan Gill said the following at 7:19 AM on Apr 8:
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We all need to cut each other some slack. "How are you?" is a common form of greeting, and "Fine." is a common form of acknowledging that greeting. It really doesn't have much meaning beyond "Hello."
There are times, though, when we need to really ask the question and expect a real answer. It's not just in passing, but among friends and loved ones, in a setting that encourages real, intimate conversation.
One problem is, we become conditioned to respond in the same way as we do to the passing comment.
A bigger problem, though, is that we tend to live behind masks. We condition ourselves to show everyone a false front. If they really knew what was going on in our heads, they might not like us. So we hide and posture and brush off honest care and concern.
27. Jorden said the following at 7:19 AM on Apr 8:
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The Baptist in me seconds Ashley's post, lol. That is a big pet peeve of mine...if you ask how I'm doing and walk away then how am I supposed to answer you?!
I also agree with Susie(#9). It really depends on how close my relationship is with the other people. I like turning "How Are You Doing?" or "What's up?" as a way to let them know how my day has been and then I'll usually throw in a concluding statement. Such as: "So overall it's been good." Or "So really not the best day." Etc.
And then I'll usually ask them how theirs has been if I haven't already.
In general if someone gives me a "fine" then I wouldn't expect anymore from them. Especially when it's someone I'm not as close to or if we're pressed for time.
28. Charlotte C. said the following at 7:47 AM on Apr 8:
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Aww, I looked at the title and I clicked on it hoping it was an actual question asking us how we were doing LOL
I'm fine. Thanks. :D
29. Brian said the following at 8:00 AM on Apr 8:
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When somebody asks me a casual "how are you?" I like to put some sincerity behind the answer. Because honestly, I should always be positive and grateful about the good things in my life. I usually respond with a "you know... all in all, things are going pretty well... you?" Or some version of "I can't complain!" But even when their inquiry is casual (as long as it's not evident they're in a hurry), I take it as an opportunity to show a genuine interest in their life. It's a good way to build rapport and relationships, especially at work.
30. Heidi Marie said the following at 8:20 AM on Apr 8:
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I think it depends. If it's someone I don't know very well, I don't think I would be very excited about spilling my thoughts and telling them how I'm really doing. But when one of my good friends asks that, I really appreciate it, because it shows that he/she really cares about me and is genuinely interested in knowing how my life is going at the moment.
31. composer girl said the following at 8:38 AM on Apr 8:
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I don't like the trite answer "Fine." If things are going all right, I usually answer "I'm doing well. How about you?" If things are not, my response is normally "I'm hanging in there." Either way I can be honest without dumping my problems on an unsuspecting acquaintance. At the same time, my close friends have learned what "Hanging in there" really means, so I can say that to an acquaintance and it ends there, or I can say that to a good friend and I have the chance of talking it through with them.
32. Tami said the following at 9:45 AM on Apr 8:
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Like others -- it depends on the context.
And I ponder what to say. So many times I say "How are you?" reflexively. At one point I realized I was greeting people this way, even people I *knew* were not doing "fine". It wasn't a matter of insensitivity -- it was my automatic response. And sometimes automatic responses can *come across* as insensitive, even if they aren't intended to be. So I'm learning to say, "Good to see you," or something that's not a question. A phrase like that (hopefully!) demonstrates caring without putting someone on the spot.
On the flip side, I really can't imagine asking anyone but a good friend "No, really, how are you?" And I'd only ask if I had time to really listen to the answer. Perhaps in this case (as others have said) it's good to come up with a phrase like composer girl's "hanging in there" (which I've used as well). It could also be that the *asker* is trying to learn to be more sincere, and demonstrate that they care. But that doesn't give them the right to demand a status update :)
BTW -- I don't have a place to put this, but thanks for the recent Lent articles. I wish you had posted them 30 days ago though :)
33. CathyV said the following at 10:07 AM on Apr 8:
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This post reminds me of my trip to the slums in Nairobi, Kenya. The children, even teenagers, would run after the vehicle when they saw a bunch of Mzungus(White,Europeans) and shout... "How are you?", "How are you?"! It was really much more of a greeting than a question. And it seemed to be the only English they knew. It really made me rethink that greeting for a while.
34. Mike Theemling said the following at 10:23 AM on Apr 8:
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Thank goodness that fad with the Budweiser commercials is over.
35. Cassandra said the following at 10:29 AM on Apr 8:
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It doesn't bother me. It's the modern extraction of the old-fashioned "How do you do," just a greeting/formality, not an actual request for information. It may feel impersonal, but as Ted pointed out, we're not going spill our guts for everyone we say hi to. If I really want to know how someone's doing, I'll stop and look them in the eye and say "how *are* you?" or "how have things been going?" or "how was (fill in the blank with whatever we talked about last.)"
When someone says to me "how are you?" I can tell by the context and their tone whether or not they really want to know, otherwise I answer, "fine thank you." Or if I have more time "Fine thank you. And you?"
36. Sarah P. said the following at 11:59 AM on Apr 8:
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Ya, it's more an art than a science. I wouldn't psyche about it, either way. Every day is an adventure that can go many different ways, and grace gets you far. :D Maybe, don't move so quickly that you don't have time for at least a brief detour if someone answers differently than expected. And be aware of how fast they're moving, so that you don't detain them on their way. God is in control, after all. He may intend a key conversation with someone, rather than my plans. :D
37. BDB said the following at 1:07 PM on Apr 8:
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Let's see...one of the things I was thinking about are those who DO want to know...because they like to gossip. I do know a few people like that - I hear them talking talking talking about other people's business. I try not to give them too much to work with.
But comment #13 is important. In instances like these shootings, or suicide, usually there is some kind of warning signs. I personally have resolved to listen when I ask how someone is doing, and out spills a lot more than I was expecting. If they snap later on, I want them to remember me as someone who was kind to them.
But I also heard a story from my grandfather. He worked in counseling at the high school. Someone told him that a student was bringing a gun to the school because he was mad at a teacher. My grandfather went out, found the kid, and talked him into going back home.
Today, they'd probably call the S.W.A.T. team.
The thing is, my grandfather's education is in speech and education, and he was a debater. I suspect that he persuaded the kid not to throw his life away by doing something stupid.
38. Rachael said the following at 1:48 PM on Apr 8:
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I don't think I can always tell when to 'share' and when not to share. Like for example, today on the phone I 'shared'. I've been open with her at least once before I think, but we don't talk often. But we have rubbed elbows at various points in time, in different communities.
I'm not a huge phone person and interact with my friends not very often but often on a meaningful level. And I don't prescribe the term 'friend' as freely as I think some people might. I see a difference between acquaintances and friends.
My husband is the type that is often on the phone with all sorts of people, but I'm not. And now I'm isolated from people my age. I like retired people, and interact with them quite often these days, and will again today and tomorrow, but there's generally not huge heart connections right now, even though they are wonderful.
One day last month or so, I went to my ex-city and met with 3 friends and shared with 2 of them deeply, though I didn't share every single thing, of course. And then today I 'shared' a lot on the phone with another friend.
I think it's generally okay to be isolated but it can be very nice to talk with a caring spirit who's willing to listen.
But I wonder if sharing can be overrated...but what are you supposed to talk about if you don't 'share' or leave it casual? If you're retired and live where I live you can gossip about area happenings. And I think I remember my mom saying that when she was wondering (when she was young) if there was anything anyone else could talk about but gossip...or something like that. So I suppose gossip is an option. And I suppose people can talk about the economy (boring-rama, to some extent. A little is interesting but I wouldn't want to talk about it excessively). Etc.
But it would be nice if other speaking habits could be developped and customary. I suppose if one were to frequently read up on current world events and was initiative about bringing those up, that would be good...or matters of the faith....
39. Elizabeth (from Canada) said the following at 1:53 PM on Apr 8:
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As others have mentioned, the question "How are you" and the answer "fine" is simply a cultural greeting/response. It has no real literal meaning in that case. Sometimes, people you know will use it in its literal sense, and you will understand that by the way they ask you. Then, you can feel free to respond literally. Although personally, I do try to vary my responses to see what reaction I can get. "tickety-boo-fine-deluxe," "fantastic," "delightful," "fair-to-middling," you know, that sort of thing. But otherwise, it's really just a greeting. Not a huge deal, in my opinion.
40. BDB said the following at 2:55 PM on Apr 8:
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Rachael (#38) wrote:
>>And I suppose people can talk about the economy (boring-rama, to some extent. A little is interesting but I wouldn't want to talk about it excessively). Etc.<<
Oh, that hurts!
Though it does give me another idea. If someone presses for a "deeper" answer, and you're not in the mood, you can start talking about the worldwide economic meltdown. In precise detail. Until they get bored.
Then you can say, "Oh, I'm sorry. Was that too much information? I'll say 'fine' then."
41. Michaella said the following at 7:08 PM on Apr 8:
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My answer when acquaintances ask me how I am on a day when i don't feel all that great:
"I can't complain. God is good!"
:o)
42. Laura said the following at 8:34 PM on Apr 8:
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The last few months have been very difficult--mostly relationship-related, with some other things thrown in. I sometimes have a hard knowing how to answer "how are you" questions. I feel bad dumping on someone if they're only trying to fulfill their social duty--yet really appreciate it when friends push me for a "real" answer. Perhaps it comes across as prying, but others' expressing care for me in this way has helped motivate me to do the same for friends.
In our culture, we tend to be so disconnected, even while maintaining the appearance of connection through facebook, etc. For all of our "friends," we often have few people whom we know well enough to say, "Yes, I've got a smile on my face, but I'm really doing horrible and need a shoulder to cry on." I want to be the kind of friend who people know they can say that to.
43. crystal said the following at 10:55 PM on Apr 8:
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I don't think either responses are "out of line," so to speak. I just think they're two different perspectives. One person sees it as a way of helping. The other may see it as intrusive. But in either case, there is a godly way to handle it. If you don't have anything more than, "I'm fine." Be honest. "No, really, I am fine." And if you're not fine but don't want to talk, a simple "I don't want to talk about it right now, but thanks for noticing I'm hurt (or happy)," would suffice. And if you feel like talking ... talk about whatever it is ... I think we've all been in this situation ... and while it may catch us off guard, I don't think getting offensive or defensive is really necessary. It's one of those take it with a grain of salt, respond as graciously as possible and move on.
44. Adrian said the following at 3:21 AM on Apr 9:
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Well, it greatly depends on the context.
If you're a male addressing a female friend or acquaintance, I'd consider it rude to force vulnerability, as what might be a bothersome factor in their life could also potentially be a fairly private thing, kept to only close close close female friends. You get my drift.
If it's a close same-sex friend whom you've been in fellowship with, I think it is both helpful, necessary, and proper, as we are meant to hold one another up and accountable (Proverbs 27:17)