Empty Glass, Ungrateful Heart
by Ashley Ramsey on 04/03/2009 at 2:00 PM
I'm a glass half empty kind of girl. In a recent devotion time here at Focus, the speaker asked the glass half empty people to raise their hands. I was the only one out of a group of thirty that raised my hand. Liars. (Did I mention I'm a little skeptical as well?)
Since these are people I respect, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they truly are glass half full kind of people. Perhaps they have already learned a lesson I believe God is teaching me: Pessimism does not breed a heart of gratitude. In fact, it makes it virtually impossible for me to delight myself in the Lord.
Until now, I have justified my negativity by saying that it's just who I am or pointing out the positive side of seeing the glass as half empty. You may think there is no positive side, but there is. I can assess risks in plans and think through the possible ramifications of decisions. Every group needs someone to point out the blind spots. But that is where the benefits of being negative end. I believe God has gifted me to refine the ideas of others, but he has not gifted me to suck the life out of every good thing (which is what I tend to do).
Earlier this week I was reading GirlTalk where Carolyn Mahaney writes about an eighty/twenty split described by Lars Gren (Elisabeth Elliot's husband):
A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy.
I do not have a husband, but I do have a fiance. And to my regret, I have spent more of our engagement focusing on the twenty percent than the eighty percent. As God tenderly brought this to my attention, I saw that pessimism was not only sucking the life blood out of my relationship with my fiance but over many years had also robbed the joy from my relationship with Him.
I won't wake up tomorrow and see my Splenda-free coffee cup as half full, but I'm asking the Lord to teach me how to cultivate a heart of thankfulness. Heaven forbid I take my God-given giftings and use them as excuses to indulge in sinful attitudes.
When is the last time you examined your tendencies to see if they are hindering your delight in the only One who is worthy?
1. Jammy said the following at 2:42 PM on Apr 3:
I'm totally a half empty sort of person and I've pretty much felt that the blows life have dealt me have justified my stance, but I'm learning-very slowly-that even legitimately heart rending circumstances do not opt us out of thankfulness or trust in God. It's a hard lesson, but really and truly life giving. Even just in the past few weeks God has been teaching and dealing with me, my heart is lighter.
2. Ashley Harris said the following at 2:45 PM on Apr 3:
Jammy said:
"I've pretty much felt that the blows life have dealt me have justified my stance, but I'm learning-very slowly-that even legitimately heart rending circumstances do not opt us out of thankfulness or trust in God."
Thank you for sharing such a great truth!
3. BDB said the following at 2:54 PM on Apr 3:
And the engineer says:
"The glass is twice as big as it needs to be."
Someone should get Ashley one of these.
(By the way, your name is spelled different in the OP and in comment #2, so I don't know which one is correct - sorry if I got it wrong!)
4. Ashley Harris said the following at 3:01 PM on Apr 3:
BDB:
It's probably sinful how much I want that mug. But I don't think it would be helpful in cultivating a grateful heart, so I'm going to refrain from ordering it.
5. Rachael said the following at 3:06 PM on Apr 3:
About expectations. I was warned about this one before marriage.
Now that I'm married I can see that this can be extremely subtle and that I don't always consciously think about certain disappointing feelings being because of 'expectations'. Marriage is two people coming together with possibly entirely different psychological makeups. Those things that are just 'duh' to one person may not be 'duh' to the spouse. And it doesn't mean one's thinking about the issue is right and the other's is wrong. And maybe one IS wrong...but when then? Our sin is between ourselves and God, ultimately. WE are called to be as God wants US to be. That's what I need to focus on. I need to focus on God and on being on how I know God wants me to be.
Before I was married, we ate dinner with this man who told us something like to not go into marriage 50-50% but 0-100%. Perhaps that seems woe-is-me-ish, but if you can get yourself to get down to have that mentality, with joy, then I think that could be a worthwhile investment :).
I'm not there yet, and I never will be at the 0-100% level completely, I think, but, if a person can at least be conscious of the expectations issue pre-marriage, I guess that's a better starting point than not being aware of the issue at all.
Also if one can get to the level of finding ultimate satisfaction in God ALONE, then that's a good thing. Cliche idea, but can be extremely hard practice.
6. BDB said the following at 3:26 PM on Apr 3:
Aw, you can enjoy products from the company that makes the mug!
Though I do think it's important to practice speaking the positive things out loud. There was one moment that this really struck me.
There was an event that several of my relatives went to. I spoke to the negative relative first. It was a litany of all the things that went wrong, and how they were certain that the other relatives had a bad time because so much went wrong.
I braced myself, and called the other relatives.
Their report of the same even was nothing but joy! They filled just as much time talking about the neat things they saw and the neat people they meant. They didn't even mention the things that went wrong. I think I even asked, "What about ____?" I think they laughed and said, "Well, those things just make travel exciting."
While it's true that those with analytical minds can point out the blind spots, they can ALSO develop the discipline to look specifically for good things. Then repeat those good things when telling people about the event.
7. Stephanie said the following at 3:26 PM on Apr 3:
I am so with you on this Ashley! I call my half empty glassim "realism" but it is often truly pessimism and has left me lacking in faith. It's tough to draw the line between managing expectations but being careful not to let it slide into pessimism then easily discouraged and then ungrateful if you let it go too far.
8. Ted Slater said the following at 3:54 PM on Apr 3:
Can you say "longest URL ever"? Yeah, I thought you could.
;-)
9. BDB said the following at 4:13 PM on Apr 3:
Hmmm ... it is kinda long, isn't it?
10. Paula said the following at 4:30 PM on Apr 3:
I understand and agree. I have been thinking about this very thing. Isn't awesome how God brings things into our lives...whether it be articles or friends....that really support what He is trying to teach us? Anyway, great stuff...keep it up.
11. brx said the following at 4:45 PM on Apr 3:
Re: BDB;
I like the mug - particularly the product description and disclaimer!
It's not necessarily a negative thing if it reminds you of how thankful you are for the first half of that white-russian! :) (or chocolate milk)
12. brx said the following at 4:54 PM on Apr 3:
Another positive thing about being an amiable pessimest: you're more likely to be pleasantly surprised when things go well!
Where as for the optimist, the outcome merely met expectations.
So, who really enjoyed it more and who's merely putting on a shine?
Grace, peace & trust - for all types!
13. BDB said the following at 6:46 PM on Apr 3:
Incidentally, the 80/20 split is in one of Elisabeth Elliot's books, either Let Me Be a Woman or Mark of a Man. It's probably good advice for anyone who finds themselves single longer than they want to be - it may be a good idea to practice letting the other 20% go.
14. Chris said the following at 8:36 PM on Apr 3:
The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The optimist says it's half full.
The realist points out the probable contaminants in the drinking water.
;^)
15. Drea said the following at 9:21 PM on Apr 3:
Thanks for such an honest post, Ashley. You gave me a lot of food for thought and I'm really with you on having the "glass half empty" mentality. You're right about how pessimism makes it near impossible to delight in the Lord. In my own life, I often feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've never taken the time to examine that attitude though. Seems like I should.
16. Christopher from Albuquerque said the following at 1:10 AM on Apr 4:
I have struggled, at times, with being a "glass half empty" person. The last year and a half, especially, has been hard-- the break-up of an engagement, prolonged unemployment, and the everyday reality of living with a physical disability (which doesn't help with the unemployment). It can be hard for me not to focus on such things.
However, recently, by God's grace, I have been returning to a more Biblical way of thinking. I call it "Biblical gratefulness." This is how it works: As a sinner, I deserve eternal torment in Hell. However, not only am I not in Hell, I have actually been reconciled by God to Him and adopted by Him into His family. As long as these things are true, whatever the other circumstances of my life, my glass is *always* full. Salvation and the wonder of knowing God *make* my glass full.
17. Emmy said the following at 3:28 AM on Apr 4:
LOVE this post and your others, Ashley! Your genuineness is quite refreshing and an encouragement to me.
This was me dead-on, until this January when I started keeping a daily 'thankfulness' journal. And without fail, each day since then, I have discovered at least ONE thing for which to be thankful! Some days, there have been HUGE things: His protection when I was hit by a car while walking ("Thank You that the car had slowed down to 40 mph") , protection when a man stalked me and tried to force his way into my apartment ("Thank You that when I screamed, the man ran away")...I live in crazy Cairo, by the way.
Other days, I have been thankful for His conviction of sin in my life: "Thank You, Lord, for showing me that I fear others and their approval more than I fear You. Help me to 'need' them less and love them more."
Still other days, when it seemed like there was nothing about my circumstances for which I could be thankful- such as when my laptop completed destructed while I was working on my thesis (Egypt is not the easiest place to procure a new computer)- I could still give Him great thanks: "Thank You, LORD, that although my laptop is wrecked, I will probably waste less time on trivial matters and now have more time to pray without being distracted, invest in the lives of others, and keep my house picked up."
Most importantly, He has shown me in ALL circumstances I do truly have reason to give Him thanks, if (and especially) for nothing else than His character: "Thank You that You are the God who sees, the God who hears, and the God who knows (Ex. 2:22-23). Thank You that You are the God who satisfies longings (Ps. 107:9), gives good gifts (James 1:17), and answers the cries of His people (Ps. 120:1).
As I have "remembered" (Deut. 4:9, 8:2, 8:18; Ps. 77: 11-12, 103:2; Jer. 51:50) the great wonders He works in my life on a daily basis, He has given me undistorted eyes to see the good things about my life. As I have seen, more clearly, His goodness in my life, my heart has been flooded with joy. As I have become more joyful, I become more content with the people and places to which and to whom He has called me for this season. With this new-found contentment, I have ceased striving to manipulate all the outcomes (and people) in my life favorably and have begun to rest in the Sovereign, timely, tender care of my Savior.
Who knew the practice of thankfulness could be so life-giving?! I suppose it should come as no surprise to me. After all, it IS His will for me (Phil 4:4-13, 1 Thess 5:16-18).
Thanks, again, Ashley!!
18. Kate said the following at 6:47 AM on Apr 4:
What about seeing the glass as "incomplete" because it's on Earth in a world that is broken by sin and cannot be complete or perfect? In some senses once you look at it that way, half empty/full becomes irrelevant when you just see it as inevitably incomplete for the time being on Earth.
Realism is such a delicate balance. It includes acknowledging the positives and negatives. It involves discernment about how much of your full/empty assessment is based on the disappointment of your personal selfish motivations, and how much of it is based on a just sense of what is right and wrong. It also includes a level of acceptance, which is tricky because you're never going to be pleased with aspects of the world that are fallen.
p.s. I appreciate your writing style of disclosure about your wrestling with these hard subjects.
p.s.s. Glad to hear you are cutting the Splenda! :)
19. Kate said the following at 7:37 AM on Apr 4:
I would rather elaborate on that 80/20 commentary too.
Sure if the wife is focusing on that "20" and thinking "if only..." and getting hung up and unhappy and impatient and nagging and such that is one thing, especially if her evaluations and expectations are not consistent with what you'd find in the Bible. (which is what I think they are trying to address in that quote) But I have two big "howevers" when this perspective about the "80/20" does not apply well.
If the wife is identifying things in that "20" that are serious problems (like abusive behavior or addiction of some form) that's quite a different kind of thing. A woman in this kind of situation may already have a tendency to really under-evaluate (and under-describe) the seriousness of those things and really focus much more on minute positive moments. It is really important to never just look at the surface level of somebody's stated "80/20 evaluation" and say "be happy about your 80 and kind of ignore your 20." I know they weren't referring to the serious things I mentioned in this article, but I believe to support women we must always be on the lookout for these things because they can exist so shockingly secretly and in families where you'd never expect it... and they are SO damaging.
On the positive side of it, a wife's role is to support her husband and also encourage him towards godliness and help him become a better leader. This is, in part, a very intentional process... and of course the man has to be open to it for it to work. I've only been married for about half a year, to a good man with whom I'm very satisfied, but even in this short amount of time my insistence on addressing things that would be in that "20" has already led to positive changes. Had I just sat back and said "yeah I need to accept what good I've managed to get here and not focus on the bad" he probably would not have changed those things on his own and neither of us as individuals nor our marriage would have been better for it.
In fact, I'd even go as far as to say that that 80/20 advice you mentioned is even poor advice for wives who are behaving in the way they intended it for (women who are really just being contentious and pessimistic for the sake of being that way, and I think this is even rarely truly unprovoked by poor behavior on the husband's part). I'd rather encourage women to figure out why they are acting and feeling that way and then address that so they really don't feel that way anymore, rather than advising them to try to ignore it and not act upon it. Or support women with encouragement when they are right and their husband refuses to change. Or help women learn how to address these things in a way that is respectful and supportive, rather than nagging and mean. Encourage them to have patience and not expect these changes to be immediate, etc.
Another p.s. for you: While you are engaged, newlywed (and perhaps beyond) people are going to try to give you a lot of unsolicited advice about how to have a happy marriage. You will probably read a few books on it too. If what you hear is not downright unBiblical or false, a lot of it will be irrelevant and easy to misapply because it is boiled down into a pat answers that don't address complexities at all. Listen to what they say, but evaluate it seriously. Don't automatically accept it as truth if you didn't read it in the Bible. (And try not to get too annoyed with people!)
20. Amir Larijani said the following at 8:09 AM on Apr 4:
I'm with BDB on this one, Ashley: your glass is just too big.
Seriously, you seem to have one big strength that is also a big weakness: you are a realist. (Some might say cynical, but you don't look old enough to be cynical. With some more age and experience, that will change j/k)
Just remember, though, about that 80/20 principle: it's probably not realistic to expect that you'll put much of a dent in the 20%. Chances are, he's probably got a 20% list on you. And he won't be able to do much about that either. LOL
21. Vanessa said the following at 8:25 AM on Apr 4:
I tend to be of the "glass half empty" persuasion myself, but not necessarily in a "negative" way. Let me explain.
The way I see it, if my glass is "half full" I don't necessarily want a refill or want to put anything more into it. I'm happy to just go merrily along. If, however, I know my glass was full at one point and now it is half empty...I want it to be full again so I can enjoy whatever was in it.
In my professional life, I've definitely been promoted because of my "glass half empty" views, simply because I'm a troubleshooter and a problem solver...before problems pop up. I know the problems are coming, so I ignore people who say "don't worry." So then, when the said problem occurs (because I couldn't STOP it), I have a solution while everyone else is wringing their hands.
I must say that I would rather work with a team of "realists" who acknowledge that the glass may, in fact, REALLY be half empty than a team of eternal "glass half full" people. Glass half full people, in my opinion, never manage to get anything done and then freak out when bad things happen.
22. Justice said the following at 12:48 PM on Apr 4:
Great Revelation
Too bad my ex-fiance did not have the same revelation, she too, sucked the life out of me. God has given me grace, but it's hard to deal with the fallout from something like that!
23. Leah said the following at 10:48 PM on Apr 4:
Pointing out the blind spots of a plan is not the same as being a pessimist. I'm generally an optimist, although I am also cynical as well (yeah, figure that one out :P). But I'm also a realist. I can find lots of holes in a plan, but you can be optimistic about it: figure out ways to plug those holes! Figure out if they're worth worrying about at all!
Rachael's comment about marriage brought up another thought in my mind. Two different people with different outlooks will see things differently but not necessarily incompatibly (I don't think that's a word, but anyway :P). eg. Person A might make a comment about something (say, "Hmmmm, there's not a lot of wind for kite-flying") and Person B might respond with a different take on the situation (say, "Yeah, but I think it will still hold the kite up.") Person A might claim Person B is being disagreeable and say "you just don't want to agree with me, do you?" When really Person B might agree with Person A, but he's just providing a different take on the situation. Optimism and pessimism can result in very similar problems, especially within a marriage. It's not bad, you just have to be aware of it so that it doesn't become bad :)
24. BDB said the following at 5:07 PM on Apr 5:
Ha ha! I read Vanessa (#21)'s post before I saw who wrote it - I thought it was mine!
The fields of finance, risk management, safety and auditing lend themselves to critical thinkers who see everything that can go wrong. Organizations need those.
Typically, the people in sales hate the constraints. Entrepreneurs tend to be risk-takers who HATE it when anyone points out a potential problem. This is why most entrepreneurs go bankrupt or fail in business at least once - they have to fail before they're willing to listen.
Or, in ministry, some people with very big hearts see only the need, and can't be bothered with things like managing their budget or legal compiance. That's why so many ministries fail due to financial disarray.
With experience, those of us who can see the problems learn to discipline how we communicate them. One big step is identifying who has the authority to make a certain decision, and tempering your advice based on that authority. If it's their decision to make, you're an advisor, not the decision-maker.
One thing I noticed with my grandparents is that before a decision is made, they tend to advocate fiercely for their position, based on what they thought was the right thing to do. After the decision was made, they keep their mouth shut. If someone fails, they keep their mouth shut. They don't rub their nose in it and say, "I told you so."
The result? People, including me, are constantly asking their perspective before a decision is taken. We've learned that their perspective is valuable, even if we don't have the same one.
People bring me lots of weird things to ask my perspective. The ones that surprise me the most are situations involving their kids. I've never had kids. What do I know? But one of my employees explained that people come to me when they're ready for an honest answer. They know I will give them an honest answer, even if it's not what they want to hear. The trick is, they don't want to hear it until they're (emotionally?) ready to face the situation.
Part of that is also respecting confidentiality. If someone speaks to me about an issue privately, I'm not going to go blab that discussion to other people publicly. I think this falls into the realm of in-law boundaries, too. If someone's husband doesn't acquiesce immediately to their better line of thinking, the wrong thing to do is go blab to mom, sis, and a circle of friends about how he is stupid. That's a good way to end up divorced.
On the other hand, I know a number of men who've learned to listen to their wives precisely because they could see risks better and they learn to take those decisions to them, in private, for private input. These are usually older guys in their 50's, by the way, who are confident enough in their overall decision-making by that time.
Remember that there's no limit to what you can accomplish when you don't care who gets the credit.
25. Kelly said the following at 9:02 PM on Apr 5:
A random musing:
Can an optimist and a pessimist have a happy marriage?
I once dated a pessimist and he drove me *insane*. I just could not handle being around that worldview all the time because it was so far from my own!
26. Adam Sloope said the following at 6:48 AM on Apr 6:
Thank you for being open and honest Ashley. I can be the same way, if I don't keep my critical/analytical side in check I often end up leaving the room with a stench of arrogance and negativity that I cannot say Christ would be honored by. God's been showing me how to live each day as if it were all I had and a gift. It makes my perspective on a lot change. Again, thanks for your openness on this, the sign of a person after God's heart is the puruit, not perfection...be encouraged that you are in pursuit and accepting the challenge.
27. Ashley Harris said the following at 8:21 AM on Apr 6:
Kelly (25):
I hope so! My fiance is an optimist. It works for us (not without being occasionally annoying of course).
28. H.A. said the following at 7:18 PM on Apr 6:
Enjoyed the post! And the many comments about it!
Just wanted to caution though... true "realism" is actually another philosophy connected to "humanism." I know the term here is not referring to it. But if you study it out, it's not something we as Christians should be connected with.
29. Sarah P. said the following at 10:06 AM on Apr 7:
Christopher from Albuquerque (#16) says: I call it "Biblical gratefulness." This is how it works: As a sinner, I deserve eternal torment in Hell. However, not only am I not in Hell, I have actually been reconciled by God to Him and adopted by Him into His family. As long as these things are true, whatever the other circumstances of my life, my glass is *always* full.
I think this is quite profound. I deserve nothing. God has stretched me through some pretty bad times in the last few years as well. What can I complain about? Nothing! It could always be so much worse -- and I certainly deserve worse.
I could just as well be a homeless person or an AIDS orphan. They are like me, with thoughts, feelings, and pain. And they need love today.
30. Sarah P. said the following at 10:08 AM on Apr 7:
How about this: The glass is not half empty, nor half full. It just is.
31. Rachael said the following at 11:18 AM on Apr 7:
Sarah P. -- Nice...it just...is.
And I like your comment: " It could always be so much worse -- and I certainly deserve worse."
I want the thought of deserving hell, and God's grace that saved me from that, to be deeper in my heart and to perhaps play a role in stirring in me a more grateful spirit. We don't deserve anything, but we are given much. And we are loved much.
I have received many blessings in this life, BUT, EVEN IF we felt we had only that one blessing of being saved, that blessing is 'the cake'. Everything else is just icing.
32. BDB said the following at 1:39 PM on Apr 7:
Incidentally, one of my professors, Peter F. Drucker also recommended the 80/20 rule for hiring personnel. He strongly suggested that you would be lucky to get 80% of what you are looking for in a job candidate. That's why it's so important to think through the job carefully, so you know which specific tasks need to be done. Then when you find 80% of what you're looking for, you can make a decision and move forward.
It is easier in business, because you can build a team. One candidate has only 80%, so then for your next opening, you hire someone who has the missing 20%.
33. You Marie said the following at 7:39 PM on Apr 7:
You know... I find that the glass is half empty or half full mostly based on my expections and which way the flow is going.
If I have nothing, and the flow is coming in... then I can see half full
But If I have more, or expect more, and the flow is in the opposite direction, I tend to see the half empty side of things.