Slackers Reveal the Way I Really Am
by Ashley Ramsey on 03/04/2009 at 10:18 AM
I'm pretty sure one of the ways God has chosen to refine me is to litter my life with tardy friends, roommates and most recently a tardy fiance. (That's right, it finally happened!) And I'm also fairly certain the most refining hour of my week is the Sunday morning worship hour.
Does anyone else hate being late to church? Does slipping into the pew during the third verse of the second song suck the joy right out of the sabbath for anyone else like it does for me? 'Cause let me tell you, if I'm late to church, I have to spend the rest of the service silently repenting of my sinful attitude.
I am rarely, if ever, late because I'm behind. It's them. They make me late. If it weren't for them making me late, I would be able to worship the Lord with gladness and enter His courts with praise. At least that's what I thought before I read this quote from Love and Respect:
First, you must get to the place where you can say, "My response to my spouse is my responsibility."In my own marriage, Sarah doesn't cause me to be the way I am; she reveals the way I am.
I'm not talking about marriage; I'm talking about getting to church on time, but I think the same way Eggerich's wife Sarah reveals the way he is, tardy loved ones reveal the way I am. So while I still deeply desire to assemble on time, I'm learning to use my attitude about being late as the litmus test for where my joy is really found, in the Lord or in my well-oiled routine. I hope it's the former.
HT: Molly Piper
1. Tiffany said the following at 10:38 AM on Mar 4:
Great post, Ashley! What a very real truth! I'm going to be thinking about this one for a while.
2. Jo said the following at 11:06 AM on Mar 4:
Ashley,
Congratulations on your engagement. :)
3. Amber said the following at 11:32 AM on Mar 4:
Man, this one was a double doozie for me because it's my SPOUSE that always causes me to be late to church!! And it always kills me because I hate getting frustrated and angry with him on Sunday morning before church! You really struck a chord with me, Ashley, thank you for this.
4. pass the ammunition said the following at 11:33 AM on Mar 4:
I love your posts Ashley, keep it focused and away from politics! And congratulations on your engagement. :)
5. Marc said the following at 11:37 AM on Mar 4:
Ashley,
I myself am a person who likes to be on-time and has to check my attitude as well as my motives behind having a "well-oiled routine", as you call it.
In short, there is definetely a lot of truth in this blog-post.
6. IMO said the following at 12:06 PM on Mar 4:
Been there, done that. And still learning.
Congrats on your engagement!!
7. Dan Gill said the following at 1:05 PM on Mar 4:
Ouch! That hurt! My family would tell you I'm a schedule Nazi. I absolutely despise being late, and if I had it my way I'd be 5 minutes early everywhere I went. Alas, that just doesn't happen with a family, and I've had to have some men speak strongly to me about it. Thankfully, I am getting to the point where I see the impatience boiling up within me and recognize it for what it is--the easiest way for Satan to get me off track and build walls between me and my family.
8. Laura said the following at 1:53 PM on Mar 4:
Congrats on your engagement, Ashley! :-)
9. Tamara (from Canada) said the following at 2:14 PM on Mar 4:
Wow! Needed to hear that one.
I grew up in a family that operated on the principle of: "if you're not 10 minutes early, you're late". Now, living with roommates who aren't so time conscious has been a bit of a challenge. I definitely needed to hear this, because I'm one of those people who hates walking into church late.
10. DannieA said the following at 2:23 PM on Mar 4:
hmmmmm well what can I say...I enjoy life and sometimes that means not rushing to get to a certain place at a certain time.
Although, church is the ONLY place that I get a little cranky if I'm late....
11. BDB said the following at 2:54 PM on Mar 4:
The songs at my church are so repetitive, I have no idea if it's the 3rd verse of the 2nd song, or the 15th verse of the 1st song, or if they started worship with some kind of skit...
We have a half-hour of worship. I'd say that half the church arrives somewhere between the start of the service and 20 minutes into the service. When I work in Sunday school, fully half of the 3rd graders come to class more than 15 minutes after the start of service, though as a volunteer I'm expected to be there 15 minutes before hand.
In our case, part of the problem is the parking situation, and our pastor's unfortunate habit of running one service into the next one. If I arrive 20 minutes early for the next service to volunteer, there is NO parking because the previous service isn't out yet.
The amusing part is - decades ago our pastor was hammered on HIS tardiness to service - he was always rolling in late after a late Saturday night. Long before he was ever a pastor, one of the elders called him on it. Every few years he mentions in a service how he was stopped outside and asked, "What is wrong with you? You're always late!"
Now, if we could just get him to wrap up in time to empty the parking lot before the next service arrived...
12. Michaella said the following at 4:00 PM on Mar 4:
Congrats on your engagement Ashley!
13. Kelly said the following at 5:10 PM on Mar 4:
I'm one of those regularly late people. I don't know how it happens. I always plan with what I hope is plenty of time. All of the clocks in my house are set a random amount of minutes fast, to give me extra time as well. And yet somehow, by the time I'm in my car, all of those extra minutes have disappeared and I'm late yet again.
I know I constantly fail in this area, but I really try.
---
On the flip side, I recently hosted a baby shower for my sister. I did most of the set-up at the church hall in the morning, and figured I would arrive half an hour before the start, to do the final preparations.
Being me, I arrived 10 mins later than that. And found FIFTEEN PEOPLE there already. Who arrives 25 minutes early to a party??? I was sooo rushed off my feet, and everything was done only 5 minutes before the official start time. (Not to mention that I totally ignored all the guests who arrived pre-start time because I wasn't prepared for them!)
I had a lot of frustration that day with people who arrive early.
I guess God's got something to teach me about that - I'm working on it!
14. Some Dude said the following at 5:44 PM on Mar 4:
As far as I am concerned, you are on time if you get in before the opening hymns are done.
15. Carol said the following at 6:12 PM on Mar 4:
Oooh, I have the opposite problem. My problem is that I don't like to be too early. I want to waltz in right on time. I fight with a relative who wants to be 10 or 15 minutes early, which is waaay too early for me.
Of course, the grouchy attitude it causes is the same. I'm trying to do better and get ready earlier. Speaking of which, I need to do that right now.
16. Rachael said the following at 6:50 PM on Mar 4:
Congrats!
Yeah, 'yucky' circumstances can reveal what's in our hearts. Think I read a comparison in "When Sinners Say I Do" to a car, something like that when it's heated up it'll reveal what's inside the engine? Anyway something along those lines, I believe...
17. Emerald said the following at 8:08 PM on Mar 4:
Wow, what a great quote! Very applicable for married people (of which I am not one of!) and just for relationships in general. It will definitely be one to ponder! And congrats on the engagement :)
18. Tami said the following at 11:02 PM on Mar 4:
Kelly asked, "Who arrives 25 minutes early to a party???"
I have found that, with church events (or events that happen at church), there are *always* a handful of people who arrive 15-30 minutes early. I don't really understand it, but I have learned to expect it.
The best solution: say hello, and say, "take a seat and relax until we get started." If you acknowledge their presence, they will take you up on the offer (at which point you owe them no more -- they are, in fact, early, and shouldn't really expect a harried party host to entertain them while she's still getting ready -- except introductions, if needed... that way, the early birds can converse among themselves), or, more than likely, they will offer to help in some way.
Which leads me to the next point: if you're setting up for an event at church, and anticipate people will come really early, have a few "help-able" tasks in mind. Tasks like: setting out the napkins and cutlery; making coffee; filling candy dishes; etc. (These are just ideas; of course the actual tasks depend on what you need to get done.) In other words, tasks that are easily delegated (without requiring many instructions as to their completion, thus eating up your time); yet not so major that you need to *depend* on someone to help -- so if no one is there to help, you're not at a loss.
If you *really* have nothing for them to do, again, just graciously ask them to sit down and relax.
19. Jessica M said the following at 12:43 AM on Mar 5:
Congratulations on the engagement!
This really hit home for me. I too have a tardy fiance, and it has caused much resentment between us in the past.
He is beginning to be more on-time (and I'm learning to praise it when I see it), but it's still there every now and then.
Thanks for your insight on this.
I want to treat him with such patience that when he finally realises that he is mostly late, he will look back and see God's patience reflected in me.
I think I'm going to need a whole lot of humility!
By the way, when's the wedding?
20. Matt from DC said the following at 8:09 AM on Mar 5:
Some Dude #14,
If you are on time in that situation then those worshiping must not have started. Right?
21. Ashley Harris said the following at 9:42 AM on Mar 5:
Thank ya'll for the congratulations :)
Jessica M,
We set our date for August 1. When is yours?
22. mindlab said the following at 10:28 AM on Mar 5:
13. Kelly and 18. Tami:
"Who arrives 25 minutes early to a party???"
Me for several reasons. It gives me a buffer just in case something goes wrong, it allows me to scope out the space, and watch everyone else arrive.
Don't be uncomfortable, us early birds don't expect you to be ready early; just ignore us until the appointed time.
23. diana said the following at 11:24 AM on Mar 5:
I need major help with this too. This causes big marital discord!! It runs over not only into church and other activities, but into work, where it can potentially jeopardize jobs and our family's future.
I haven't yet found a biblical way to handle this with my husband and I'd appreciate suggestions. I've tried just having myself ready and waiting; I've tried doing everything for him except dressing him and physically pushing him out the door; I've tried tears and fuming (which is obviously not helpful)and NONE of it works!! I feel doomed to be chronically late and I hate it. I also worry that my husband will lose his already tenuous job due to being late.
If he weren't so doggone adorable, I'd be really ticked.
24. BDB said the following at 12:58 PM on Mar 5:
Diana (#23) - Elisabeth Elliot has a book called Discipline, The Glad Surrender where she goes through the biblical basis for a number of disciplines - including the discipline of being on time.
It's a "challenging" book...
25. Jessica M said the following at 8:58 PM on Mar 5:
Ashley,
Our wedding date is July 11. Not long now!
Can I recommend 'Cheap Ways to Tie the Knot'? An excellent book!
Diana (23),
I know what it feels like, but can I encourage you to let go of this burden? Sometimes being a good helper doesn't mean doing everything for your husband. In fact, in some situations, the most helpful thing to do can be nothing. Perhaps your husband doesn't yet feel the responsibility of providing (in relation to being late to work)? Step back, let him be late and let him take responsibility. God will hold him accountable for that, and He will hold you accountable for how you helped your husband.
My fiance has rarely been late to work or church, but some principles I try to keep in mind are patience and humility (a song my mother taught me as a kid went - 'be patient, be patient, don't be in such a hurry, be patient be patient, don't ever start to worry, when you get impatient, here's what you can do, just think of all the times that others have to wait for you'), encouragement (thank him when he is on time or makes an effort to be) and loving support (make sure he knows that you don't think any less of him for struggling with this and don't make a big deal out of it).
I think it's hard for guys if they feel like their wife/significant female looks down on them for something. It really doesn't motivate change; in fact I think it does the opposite. I was talking with my fiance the other day and I asked him which was more powerful, my encouragement or my criticism. He said that my encouragement is much more powerful in inspiring change and growth, but my criticism has much more force and staying power.
So encourage, encourage, encourage. And remember that God will keep growing him - never lose sight of that!
26. Jorden said the following at 10:07 PM on Mar 5:
Luckily, I don't have this problem in my church because we have Sunday school and then like 30minutes inbetween the end of Sunday school and service to get ready for service and chat and such. So most of us are in there when it starts, but even if someone was late then they would still be fine, because we do our Welcome to worship is 5-10mins into the service and then it's easy to slip in because everyone is up and moving around anyways. But if we had multiple services then I would definitely be a nazi about being on time :P. I typically get to events we have a little early though.
(Also Congratulations on the engagement!)
27. IMO said the following at 8:07 AM on Mar 6:
diana wrote:
"I also worry that my husband will lose his already tenuous job due to being late."
Church leaders need to step in. Big time!
When a husband is acting in detriment to the family's well-being, it's called SINNING.
Jessica,
You have already admitted that your fiance is rarely late. So you really don't know or understand diana's situation. It's NOT diana's fault. The last part of your post veers that way.
28. Vanessa said the following at 11:11 AM on Mar 6:
I hate being early to anything because I always feel as if I'm in the way. I prefer to be just on time or a few minutes late.
#13 - I am also with you. I try to give myself plenty of time to get places (and if I manage to get there early, I sit in my car)...but there is ALWAYS the day I hit every single traffic light red (I live in Orlando and a full cycle of traffic lights can take up to 6 mins EACH). Or, there is an accident on the highway that happens after I leave the house, etc.
I once did an experiment. I left the house at exactly the same time every single day...and arrived at the same destination at a different time every single day (as much as 30 minutes different).
Sometimes, even good planning and discipline doesn't pan out.
29. Jessica M said the following at 5:02 PM on Mar 6:
IMO (27),
I'm sorry if it came across like I was blaming Diana for her husband's lateness. I don't think it's her fault at all.
In response to Ashley's original thoughts that we should take responsibility for our own responses and Diana's call for help, I was trying to offer some helpful thoughts for what Diana can do from her end. Even though her husband's behaviour is not her fault, as his wife, she has a prime position to either help or hinder, to build up or tear down. I was just sharing some thoughts from what I have found helpful in this area.
30. Liln said the following at 7:28 PM on Mar 6:
Great post!
Re getting to parties early: I usually just show up on time, unless it's family or close friends. Then, I usually get there early to help out. It depends. I always try to arrive 5-10 minutes early for appointments and such.
Congratulations, Ashley! May your marriage be full of blessings and growth for both of you. God bless!
31. Kelly said the following at 8:02 PM on Mar 8:
Tami - I just wanted to say thanks for the insight! I will definitely try to be more gracious about it next time, and have the *expectation* that people will arrive early.
This weekend is my sister's engagement party (not one of the three who just had babies, but another one!), again at the church hall. So I'll have a chance to put it in action.
32. diana said the following at 7:29 AM on Mar 9:
Thanks for the input regarding living with tardiness in a spouse. While it's a huge annoyance and sometimes more serious than just inconvenient, his tardiness IS an opportunity for me to learn graciousness toward him, remembering that God has a lot of mercy toward my faults. It's easy to pick out the one big negative trait of someone we live with and blow it up to mega-proportions while conveniently ignoring the many other wonderful traits.
I can get really upset about it and justifiably concerned when it affects his job; but I can't control the situation. I can at least make sure that nothing impedes his progress. I just have to control how I respond and pray that God will help him in this area. If he loses his job over it, it would be terrible, but it would definitely be a life lesson for all of us.
All that said, I'd still rather be late with him, than on time without him, as I was for so many single years.
33. IMO said the following at 10:18 AM on Mar 9:
"If he loses his job over it, it would be terrible, but it would definitely be a life lesson for all of us."
Yes, that is definitely a hard pill to swallow, especially for me. In general, it's hard to give up control. And allow for consequences. I know I have a long way to go in that regard..but that's why it's called the process of santification...