Single Truths
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 03/03/2009 at 3:28 PM
In today's Boundless article, Elisabeth Adams tells the truth about her singleness:
I want to be married.
Shouldn't that have happened by now?
At first I ask, How do I change this? Then, as resignation sets in, I wonder, How do I survive singleness? In particularly painful moments, I want to know more: Why should I be contented? Why should I stay the course? Does God see me? Does He even care?
I think most singles can relate to Elisabeth's feelings. I recently wrote an article on a similar topic. In it, I considered this question: "Am I valuable to God in my singleness?" The answer yes. Undeniably. I am chosen by God, eternally loved and redeemed for His purposes.
But feelings are another matter. Elisabeth talks about how her mother and grandmother got early starts on motherhood, while Elisabeth's story will be different. Those are the kinds of realities that can distract and discourage us from living in the moment God has for us today. They can make us wonder if our singleness is a waste. The author reminds us that a useful life — a life that glorifies God — is founded in truth. These truths include:
- I am primarily defined as God's child (with all the blessings and responsibilities that entails), and not as a single woman.
- The area of romance is not outside the realm of discipleship: God will use it to test me and refine me and bring me joy, just as He does with every other facet of my life.
- Painful singleness can be godly singleness. God does not condemn me when I am upset. Those feelings have to go somewhere, and His ear and heart are the safest place.
- Though I'm experiencing a different kind of pain than married people, we are all in the fellowship of suffering.
- I can model true love while I'm single. Every day I continue to walk with Jesus, He gives me opportunity to exchange the "I-wants" stored up in my heart for the happiness of others. Because He loves me so outrageously, I can make a sacrifice, say "My pleasure," and find it is the exact truth.
- Waiting won't stop when I enter a relationship. At each stage of friendship, courtship, and marriage, the future is still God's business. Mine is to habitually counter my imagination with the truth: Who this person really belongs to, what our true relationship is — today — and what true love will do for him as a result.
That is only part of the list Elisabeth provides. Truth is so important at any life stage. And, as the author points out, when we're walking in truth — whether single or married — none of our days is a waste ... not one single day.
1. mary kate said the following at 3:54 PM on Mar 3:
thank you, suzanne, and thank you, elisabeth.
2. Andrea-Elena said the following at 4:13 PM on Mar 3:
Ms. Adams is spot on. And so eloquent in stating these truths.
I sent the list from the article to my best friend, bolding some key parts, and posted the same list in the Singles area of a Christian forum. (A fellow forum participant said she was going to post these truths on her wall. I think I'll do the same!!)
I was thinking today that Ms. Adams's list is an excellent example of God being light that illumines truth and the Word being like a scalpel. Seems that God's busy really doing some nuanced fine-motor-skills "surgery" in many of us.
As I posted over at the other forum, I can attest to this point being true: "He has not left me without direction in the confusing maze of male/female relationships. He provides specific direction through His Spirit, His Word, and His Body, as well as broader, but equally practical principles like the Golden Rule." The most recent relationships/relating issues I've had were quite maze-like! *wry smile* But all three -- Spirit, Word, and body of Christ -- combined to guide me, even if I stumbled all over my emotions and sinful nature. I've learned so much.... especially as God prompts me to turn more quickly to Him and His Word... and to listen to not so many well-meaning (but not necessarily the bests) voices but to focus on seeking counsel from a select few godly voices who have proven to give wise advice.
And this one, which I just paid close attention to now, just blows me away with its wisdom: "Waiting won't stop when I enter a relationship. At each stage of friendship, courtship, and marriage, the future is still God's business. Mine is to habitually counter my imagination with the truth: Who this person really belongs to, what our true relationship is — today — and what true love will do for him as a result." That echoes something I'm learning as I observe a good friend handle her dating relationship with a mutual guy friend. (Well, boyfriend to her! Heehee!) I still marvel at how she is able to discipline herself... to not merely follow her imagination about what she'd like her future to be.
Thank you, Elisabeth, Suzanne, and Boundless (respectively) for writing, blogging about, and publishing this article.
3. Brad said the following at 4:15 PM on Mar 3:
Ultimately, we are all longing to be united fully with Christ. Everything that happens here is merely a shadow of that longing, and as long as we believe that the "next thing" will satisfy us, when in fact it is Christ alone who is our satisfaction, we will never be completely satisfied in Him. I'm sure a Christ-centered marriage is beautiful (don't know yet ;)) but if we who are single place that as our greatest longing, we will miss the beauty of Christ that is available to us now.
4. Ted Slater said the following at 4:18 PM on Mar 3:
Hm. Look what I found.
;-)
5. Andrea-Elena said the following at 4:26 PM on Mar 3:
Cheeky monkey....
I prefer this portal, actually: Discuss!!
P. S. I'm lovin' the faster pace of the comments' being posted online here at The Line. Yay for IT people and quick servers!!
6. Ted Slater said the following at 4:46 PM on Mar 3:
Andrea-Elena (#5) -- "IT people" = Ashley Harris and Ted Slater; "quick servers" = TypePad.
:-)
7. Ted Slater said the following at 4:48 PM on Mar 3:
Andrea-Elena -- I'm still chuckling over "cheeky monkey," BTW.
8. Andrea-Elena said the following at 5:15 PM on Mar 3:
After listening to so many podcasts and "getting to know" y'all, I knew you'd chuckle.
So... thank you, Ashley and Ted, the extraordinaires...
And TypePad too... I think you just pwned Blogger. =/
w00t!
So... hmm... more Single Truths:
Lower fat milk in cheese does mean fewer Weight Watcher points for your cheese singles... Ur... wait. *Not cheese, Elena. Bible stuff.*
Ooh, I got one from Beth Moore's Esther study: "You cannot amputate your history from your destiny. They have the same root: Christ."
So... the ramifications... I can trust that God is mulching together all the stupid things I've done, the moments I doubted, the times I believed, the joys, the sorrows, the sins, everything to enrich the soil that grows my future life... so that I grow into a Christ-shaped tree. (Hmm... looking like a cross maybe? *ting!*)
(OK, wonky metaphor there... but I think y'all can get it.)
9. DannieA said the following at 6:29 PM on Mar 3:
wow, 'cheeky monkey' haven't heard that since my friend fwd me a silly and sadistic cartoon about a monkey and brain damage and then the happy song about monkey getting brain damage. I digress.
Nice article btw.
10. Renee said the following at 6:51 PM on Mar 3:
Wow. That is all I have to say about this conversation. :) Plus an amused and happy eye roll.
I liked that article. Still... it makes waiting seem sad. Not bad. But definitely sadder.
Which was just what I needed, I suppose. Since I got accused of only being worried about getting married this week, and looked down on a bit for that... it's nice to know it's fine I want that. Now if only everyone else would read enough articles on here to start to get that feeling, so I could actually get married... :)
11. Dani said the following at 8:56 PM on Mar 3:
1) I am loving this conversation!
2) Awesome work, Ashley and Ted. It's so nice to have instant-er gratification in all my Line wants. ; )
3) Elisabeth's point about waiting not ending with marriage especially resonated with me. Currently, I'm in a relationship, waiting and trusting that my boyfriend knows when we should marry. It's so hard waiting, even though I completely trust my man! I just recently told a friend who longs to be in a relationship that those longings don't magically disappear when the relationship materializes.
Often (rather, always), our discontent in a situation reflects a deeper discontent with God. Ex) Once my boyfriend and I had discussed marriage and I had a better idea of timing, I was content for about, oh, eight hours--the eight hours that I was asleep in my dorm room. As soon as I woke up, I found myself discontent with nearly everything I laid eyes on: my weight, my hair, my clothes, the weather, even my bedsheets!
Discontentment with X reflects our heart's sinfulness and discontent with God. Fixing X won't fix our sin.
12. Vanessa said the following at 9:15 PM on Mar 3:
I have tears streaming down my face from reading the original article. It is SO REFRESHING to read of someone who has the same feelings that I do...the same longings...the same sense of sadness that the waiting is outpacing expectations. It was so encouraging to me.
I'm so tired of being preached at as a single that it was wonderful to read an article, prominently displayed, that seemed as if it were poured out of my heart.
I'm growing tired of the waiting, wondering what on earth God still has to teach me that I haven't already learned, wondering what I must obviously be missing to NOT have my dream of marriage (or even a viable relationship!) fulfilled. I don't yet know why I'm still waiting...but I do know that I must remain faithful to God.
This heartfelt article was just what I needed right now. Thanks, Boundless!
13. Matt from DC said the following at 5:29 AM on Mar 4:
What a good article. I especially liked the last of the points: "Waiting won't stop when I enter a relationship."
Vessel of Honor was also a great article. I just discovered the webzine portion of Boundless recently and am quite impressed with the quality of the articles.
Andrea-Elena,
I like what you said about God taking our past using it a la Roman 8:28. There is one minor thing I wanted to ask. Do you think that 'composting' is a better choice for your metaphor than 'mulching'? Mulch acts like a heat/moisture blanket and compost is rich soil derived from waste. The process of mulching is feeding tree parts into a chipper. The process of composting is taking biodegradable waste, mixing it together, and letting it decompose. Mulching takes minutes and composting takes months. I am going to stop the comparison before I get carried away and cross the line of Proverbs 10:19 "When words are many, sin is not absent..."
DannieA,
Good to see you still here, sister. :)
14. Kyndra said the following at 8:30 AM on Mar 4:
I found Elisabeth's article very encouraging and challenging. In so many ways I understood exactly where she was coming from, my mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother were all married and starting (or raising) families by the time they were my age. I have suffered the pains of both rejected and unrequited love, and there are so many nights when I cry out to Jesus with my pain because I know that He sees it all, but feel that noone else around me really seems to understand. This post is a great reminder to be seeking ways to live for Him in the NOW rather than putting our life on hold until everything is where we think it ought to be.
Thank you Boundless for all of your great articles!
15. Renee said the following at 10:39 AM on Mar 4:
I think it would not be so bad if we had something meaningful to do, ie not filler but being fufilled. If you have a good career, or good friends, or a good family, or nice place to come home to, or a pet, or a good church,or you have seen the world etc. it makes it easier because you aren't waisting your life. You feel blessed and you believe that GOD sees you and cares for you enough to provide these things for you - and marriage later (it builds your faith and makes you grateful). Without them though, you make marriage an idol, and you waist your singleness thinking "if only". That leads to depression, jealousy and ungratefullness etc.
16. Andrea-Elena said the following at 11:00 AM on Mar 4:
Matt from DC,
You're right, brother. Composting was the word I was thinking of but didn't choose. The metaphor works better with composting, yes.
Thanks! =)
17. DannieA said the following at 11:07 AM on Mar 4:
thanks Matt....I just needed a break and got that for a few days. :)
18. brx said the following at 12:50 PM on Mar 4:
Just a thought; the girls I know who wanted to get married and did, or are engaged, to good guys; they always seemed to enjoy making friends with guys and inviting them into their group fellowship & hospitality with their girlfriends. In this way, they got to know a lot of guys in low-pressure situations. The other girls I know are mostly hanging out with their girlfriends and only getting to know the few guys that are bold enough to ask them out without really knowing much about them.
Further, one gal I know is turning down date requests from other good guys just because she wants to focus on getting to know one guy who's made no offer of excusivity and is only available once a week - at best. I suggest she's wasting available time to build other good friendships which might go somewhere.
I'm not suggesting be a 'player' but rather, make many friends.
Grace, peace & adventure!
19. Dorene said the following at 3:42 PM on Mar 4:
I absolutely love this article! Thank you for the encouragement esp. at a time when I am facing huge temptations to go out with a non- christian. I'm tired of waiting too. At 35 years old and a medical condition that's putting pressure on my chances of never being a parent if I don't have a child now; each day becomes more grueling with almost 80% of my girlfriends telling me to go out with this non- christian guy... I mean I'm trying to do the right thing and wait for a godly man but boy it is hard... so last night as I was reading this book; the question popped by the author was - how much do you value anything in relation to God...hmmmm got me thinking... is getting married such a big deal in sacrificing my relationship with Christ?? I know I'm still processing this and I know God will pull me through this despite my feelings in this situation. I love the list of truths the author defines... thanks again for making a difference in a sister's life!!! I love Boundless for the encouragement it has been for my single years numbering in double digits now...God bless you all!
20. Lauren T. said the following at 5:10 PM on Mar 4:
Thanks for the reminder, Suzanne and Elisabeth.
I probably could've written the first quote myself. Maybe not in exactly the same words, but exactly the same thought.
There are certainly many times when I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I haven't ever even been asked out - and as far as I know, it's not from a physical problem such as being unusually unattractive, overweight, etc. It's very easy to become discouraged about the whole situation or to regard it as a "problem" that can't really be fixed. Not true, of course, either way.
In the end, discouragement is simply a failure to remember all the important things you listed!
21. BDB said the following at 5:57 PM on Mar 4:
Brx (#18) said it better than I could.
I've been paying more attention to how some people make it much more difficult to approach them. Here are some behaviors I've observed in the last two weeks:
1) Sitting at the end seat in a row, so that people are only sitting on one side of them.
2) During the "greet your neighbor" segment of the service, don't tell anyone their name; instead rummaging around in their purse and refusing to make eye contact.
3) Departing the service during the middle of the closing song and being out the door before the rest of us are dismissed.
I read somewhere that women like to be sought after for who they are. OK, fair enough.
Do women really want to be approached by men who know only:
a) They aren't wearing a ring
b) They were sitting alone in church
c) They like to beat the crowd out of the parking lot
22. AllyMae said the following at 7:35 PM on Mar 9:
Think people also have ideas in there head of what THEY want rather then letting God lead there direction. If we let go of our ideas and allow the Lord to pick the direction he wants us to go in then he will lead us to the right person.
23. Lady Akofa said the following at 7:29 AM on Mar 10:
BDB #21: LOL!!!
Suzanne and Elisabeth, thanks!