Deciding Literally Means Cutting Off
by Steve Watters on 03/25/2009 at 12:17 PM
Are you trying to make a decision right now -- about a job, a move, a purchase, a relationship? In that decision, are you worried about what you'll have to give up when you choose one thing over another? It can feel painful, but making a good decision means being willing to cut off the next best options and leave them behind. In fact, according to a recent blog post by our friend Scott Stanley, that's what deciding is all about:
The word “decide” comes from a French word dating to the 1300s that literally means “to cut” or “to cut off.” Deciding is about coming to a point where something is cut off from something else. A part is chosen—hopefully the best part—and the illusion of hanging on to the whole, to everything, is given up.
It's this perspective of deciding that makes the idea of commitment counter cultural in Dr. Stanley's research:
The cultural messages we are inundated with encourage us to hang onto everything—to cut off no options, to have it all. Having a lot of options in life is great, but maybe not so great if one never decides what matters most.
Where could this insight apply in the decisions you need to make?
1. Marilyn said the following at 1:03 PM on Mar 25:
I'm feeling this right now. I just made a decision to go ahead and spend around $1000 on repairs for my car. I'm definitely feeling the pain of cutting off a good chunk of my savings account.
2. James said the following at 1:50 PM on Mar 25:
I think this concept definitely applies to romantic relationships. When trying to select the correct partner, we college students and young people have a tendency to keep our options open and try to play the field until that "perfect" person comes along.
The problem is that the grass is always greener and perfect people don't exist. I'm dealing with the particular situation in my own life right now. Good post!
3. Morghan said the following at 2:15 PM on Mar 25:
Wow...I was struggling with a decision today - weather or not to move home to live with my family - I was almost 100% sure living with family was the right choice, but wanted a sign from the Lord. Thank you for posting this!! This has given me the peace I was praying for.
4. Casey (the Student Nurse) said the following at 2:57 PM on Mar 25:
Very thought provoking Steve, thanks.
5. E Louise! said the following at 6:44 PM on Mar 25:
Hang in there Marilyn! That happened to me 6 months ago. I got my car fixed, then 4 months later had more trouble. The good thing is the second time around I was blessed with a deal on a reliable and affordable car!!
6. Renee said the following at 7:21 PM on Mar 25:
This is a great article. It certainly makes me think. I'm one of those people who likes change in different areas of life and jumps from one thing to another without making a long term commitment. I have a hard time making decisions and sticking to them. What you wrote certainly makes me think about things differently. Thanks!
7. Lady Akofa said the following at 3:51 AM on Mar 26:
Oh wow! Procrastinators like me what I need to read this.
Thanks for sharing!
8. Christina (in green) said the following at 7:18 AM on Mar 26:
That sounds like an Oswald Chambers sermon...
9. rachel said the following at 7:42 AM on Mar 26:
I love the line from the David Wilcox song, "I was dead with deciding, afraid to choose; I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose." So true.
10. Trisha in AR said the following at 8:28 AM on Mar 26:
Definitely applies to relationships and my own struggles.
Great post. Thank you!
11. gtr said the following at 10:48 PM on Mar 27:
I recently had a relationship experience where I had to cut off something. Through FB I got into contact with a childhood friend of mine. I am asian, and we are not allowed to date before high school. And as I grew older, I am now 25, but have never dated. Ofcourse, through all this time, I question my future about marriage and wonder what God has for me. I hope that the only guy I date will be my husband. And yet, sometimes I don't have a desire to be married...as I look at some of the experiences of those around me. Anyway, this guy and I - our families have been lifelong friends until we moved when I we were in the 11th grade. I had heard that he liked me in the 7th grade, and all the way through to the 11th. We were really good friends and knew that we liked each other. I tried to get him to say something the week we were moving. I think his parents were wanting to let him have the opportunity to express that too. His dad tried to let my mom know about it - I only found this out a couple of weeks ago from my mom, she said she didn't want me to know at that time. Well, after 9yrs we started emailing back and forth this January. He is single and so am I. After friendly emails catching up, I found ourselves emailing more than a few times a day. I found myself getting up in the morning waiting to hear from him. Wondering if this was my story - fantasizing about how the one guy who loved me since the 7th grade, loved me still and our love story would be this amazing fairy tale... Our emails turned to our thoughts on relationships, our questions with God on singleness - we both have always had similar characters, and I always admired his faith. But I remember when I started emailing him in Jan, while I was praying one morning, the Holy Spirit warned my heart about it and I felt I shouldn't respond so eagerly. Now, about 3 months later, I feel I developed an emotional intimacy thru email, where my heart and thoughts were not glorifying to God. So one morning a few weeks ago, I woke up, and sent him an email, saying something like this: thanks for keeping me company, but I have an important exam (which I do) and need to keep focused, so I am taking a sabbatical from email. I haven't emailed him for a about a month now. The reason I didn't listen to the tugging in my heart, because I so wanted this to be right. I was afraid to let go of the one option for marraige. Since I am the only person I know who has never dated at all, the thought of him still being there was incredibly comforting. So, I made a DECISION this month - it has been great, there's nothing better than obeying God. I feel lonely, and unsure of my future, but I feel so sure that this is right. I feel so sure of God...and hopefully, even when I don't feel it, I will always believe it. Thanks for the post. I have a few more decisions to make. This time of my life is incredibly confusing, but growing.
12. yet another jen said the following at 1:46 PM on Mar 30:
Thanks for posting #11. I can totally relate to what you're going through. I also had to "Break-up" with someone who I was not dating. The emotional attachment was too strong for the reality of the relationship. A very, very hard time for me as well.
I'd be interested to know if he has tried to contact you at all in the past month.
It's funny how what we often think of as new thoughts and insights are repetitions of good ole Elisabeth Elliot. I remember her saying this on one of her old radio broadcasts. (paraphrased)
Every time we make a choice, we are deciding against something else.
That woman's wisdom is unparalleled. Someday, I want to be just like her!!
On that note, does anyone know anything recent about Elisabeth and her health? I know she was suffering with Alzheimer's but haven't heard anything lately...
13. BDB said the following at 2:03 PM on Mar 30:
yet another jen (#12):
Here is the March 2009 Ramblings from the Cove written by Elisabeth Elliot's husband.
14. BDB said the following at 2:19 PM on Mar 30:
Oooh- #11 and #12 gave me an idea.
It makes sense to follow Elisabeth Elliot's advice and let the guy take the initiative. By focusing on an exam, NOT contacting you is the respectful thing to do, until you let him know that you've finished the exam.
However, if he is not a reader of Boundless or Elisabeth Elliot, he may not even be aware of the whole male-initiation responsibility.
But with facebook, you can become a fan of both Boundless and Elisabeth Elliot.
If he's interested, he's probably watching your updates, waiting for you to say you finished your exam. If you become a fan of both on the same day, he will investigate. Once he starts reading, he will be challenged.
Heck, I became a fan of "Toast" and was shocked by how quickly my FB friends commented on it...
15. yet another jen said the following at 2:40 PM on Mar 30:
I like it! Manipulation via Facebook!! :)
But seriously, I do think thats a problem. My guys don't know what I know! But I can't exactly slip him a copy of Passion and Purity.
"Dear sir, My social life revolves around the relationship techniques spelled out in this book. Please read and react appropriately......"
:) Maybe Facebook IS good for something!
16. BDB said the following at 8:10 PM on Mar 30:
#15 wrote:
>>I like it! Manipulation via Facebook!! :)<<
No, no, that's Mentoring.
Manipulation would be suggesting Boundless Webzine as a friend, as soon as that's complete, commenting a bunch of times on one of the relationship-oriented status updates, then taking quizzes like "What kind of mom are you?" and "How many kids will you have?" etc. etc.
17. brachialplexus (previously gtr) said the following at 9:07 PM on Mar 31:
Hey Girls,
Lol, I love your comments! First, Ted has asked me to be consistant with my name - so it's brachialplexus from now on. Umm, I was using it as more of a subject heading, or initials when I couldn't think of something. Second,
I guess since I didn't use a consistant name, or maybe you didn't read the "I quit FB" blog...well, I quit FB! lol. Anyway, this guy is not a frequenter of FB. So I wrote my exam today - and I told him that I'd be writing it on the 26th. He emailed me the week before the 26th to see how my studies were going. I didn't reply. He must know that I've completed the exam, but he still hasn't emailed. Is he waiting for me to reply to that email?? IDK.
Thirdly, when we started emailing each other about relationships and how we view them, I sent him an email asking him "from a guys perspective" what his views from a Christian's perspective is and from an Asian guy's perspective. Traditionally, the girl never should approach the guy. He never got the chance to reply, cos he was travelling that week I sent him the email. It was at that point that I realised the email I sent might actually be revealing more of my heart than I should be. So, the next day I sent the email saying I won't be checking my email until after my exam. And thus we are here. To be honest with you, I don't think he believes in the Asian tradition of the guy initiating a relationship -it's now outdated. And I certainly don't think he knows that this is Biblical!
I'd love to "mentor" him, I think I was trying to get there with that email on guy initiation. But my mentoring may put my heart in a place where I am not guarding it diligently.
I have two questions: Do you think he wanted to reply but is waiting on my email?
What does a girl do with a generation of Christian guys who don't know it is their Biblical responsibility to intitiate a relationship?
Finally, I didn't realise it was a "breakup" - I'm glad you put it that way. I don't want to be dating a guy that is not my future husband. Which means I don't want to be emotionally dating guys. Thanks for that perspective - this is exactly what I was doing.
18. Rachel S. said the following at 12:45 AM on Apr 3:
I hate to be nit-picky (okay, that's a total lie, I live for accuracy), but the word "decide" actually comes from the Latin verb, "decido, decidere." The word still means "cut off," so the point of the article doesn't change at all, but the word is much, much older than the 14th century. The French got it from the Latin, of course.
19. brachialplexus said the following at 1:23 PM on Apr 3:
I meant to say guys and girls...I cannot assume gender's by names. Sorry.
20. BDB said the following at 2:48 PM on Apr 3:
brachialplexus (#17) - very unique name by the way.
>>I have two questions: Do you think he wanted to reply but is waiting on my email?<<
From this guy's perspective, if someone said they weren't going to be checking e-mail because they were studying, I'd assume that there's no point in e-mailing because they were studying. It makes perfect sense to send one e-mail asking how things are going, and waiting to do anything else until you respond to say you're finished studying. I know lots of hard-studiers who really mean it when they say they need to study. When they're done, they come up for air again.
>>What does a girl do with a generation of Christian guys who don't know it is their Biblical responsibility to intitiate a relationship?<<
I sincerely believe that a generation of men has heard sermons in youth group on "how far is too far" and reached the conclusion that they need to quash all romantic initiative to avoid falling into sin. I similarly observe that the most sincere Christian women seem to quash all response to men, probably also to avoid falling into sin. I reach these conclusions because I observe non-Christian men (and women) taking the initiative and respond a lot more, so it's not merely looks.
There's plenty of challenging stuff on Boundless and in Elisabeth Elliot's books. I personally think it's fine to introduce people to those resources. It's probably best to not say anything about your own feelings, just tell them about the resources and ask what they think.
Ha! You could even say "still studying, but take a look at these web sites and tell me what you think in a few weeks."
21. brachialplexus said the following at 8:27 PM on Apr 6:
BDB #20,
Thanks for the response, and the insight! I guess the reason why I posted this is because I am at a place in life where I feel isolated from friends, and cannot share this with my family. So with the knowledge that readers of this blog could empathize with me, and the added benefit of anonimity, I posted my "decision". I had decided not to email this guy, however from my above posts you can see that my heart has not yet overcome what I thought my mind had. From praying I felt that this friend of mine is not the guy the Lord has for me. With the result, I didn't want my feelings to get caught up in an "avalanche" that maybe a few weeks or months ahead will be hard to stop. So, I had decided not to email him for that reason. That said, I went ahead and emailed him today for this reason: I didn't want to abruptly stop all communication - since we've been friends for all these years. So I sent him a general email saying I've been busy with school and work, and hope all is well on his end. I don't intend to make a habit of emailing him frequently. It's easier when life is moving along at a rapid pace, and I don't have time to feel lonely.
Secondly, I don't think I have the personality to ever approach a guy, I don't even have the guts to look twice at guy - and I'm 25! Is something wrong with me? Anyway, I need much prayer! =) I just started reading Shadow of the Almighty. It's already incredibly enlightening. I think more than wanting a husband right now, I just want to get this right - loving God fully - reading Jim Elliott's prayers compels me to a more fervent prayer life and a deeper committment to Jesus. All these distractions I allow in life keep me from this pure and honest prayer that Jim was able to pray "Oh God my heart is fixed". I guess this should be the basis of all the decisions we make, to fix our hearts and eyes on Jesus.
22. patricia said the following at 1:03 PM on Jun 29:
I am in the midst of a huge decision.Im middle aged, and have been living with someone for four years, three years previously dating. I never wanted to live together, but here we are, and Im finding that my partner is becoming more controlling,argumentative, and generally just 'seems' like he doesnt like the person I really am. He says he sees no reason to marry. He knew thats what I always wanted. A 'family' arrangement. I feel truly 'unloved' for who I am, and Im finding it hard to trust anymore. For many more reasons that we have room for. This decision will hurt someone, and possibly be the wrong decision.But Im willing to make it, as Im so stressed out and feeling so miserable now.
23. Ashley Harris said the following at 2:44 PM on Jun 29:
Patricia,
Your comment reminded me of some of our articles. I wonder if you've read them. They might be helpful in making the hard decisions it sounds like you have coming :)
Myth's About Living Together
and
The Boiling Pot