Are You Sliding or Deciding?
by Steve Watters on 03/13/2009 at 10:30 AM
When it comes to relationships, career development, where you live and other big decisions, do you feel like you're making good decisions? Is there a chance that instead, you're just sliding into situations and getting stuck with decisions that you never really intentionally made? Dr. Scott Stanley, a researcher at the University of Denver, has been raising some great questions about this issue. We love Dr. Stanley and have featured him on Boundless a couple of times.
I was glad to see that Dr. Stanley has now launched a blog to focus specifically on the difference between making active decisions and drifting into not-so-good decisions. Here's how he describes his new blog:
Sliding vs. Deciding is a concept based in the research that I and colleagues have conducted on relationships. It contrasts how things often happen with how things could be. The core idea is that people often are sliding through important transitions in relationships--or moments in life--rather than deciding. Commitments that enrich our lives, that we are most likely to follow through on, are based in decisions. While we don't have to make decisions about everything, we do best when we make decisions about the most important things in life.
The first post gives you a sense of Dr. Stanley's dry humor--something we've always loved about him:
A big part of being a decider when it comes to important things in life is sticking to what you have decided. That’s part of what commitment is all about. Unless you’ve only been alive for, say, 15 minutes or so, you know it’s not always easy to stick to what you decided you wanted to do. I recently came across a recent report that summarizes some amazing research on willpower and the ability to resist temptation. ...
The author, Eric Wargo, first mentions pretty cool studies that were done long ago where they tested children to see how many would choose to wait a little while to get two marshmallows instead of getting one marshmallow RIGHT NOW! Kind of like a lot of life, right? You could ask yourself, “am I a one or two marshmallow kind of person?” Quite an existential question, isn’t it? For some reason, I’m hearing a variation of this question with Clint Eastwood’s voice from the movie “Dirty Harry.” Sort of goes like this: “You must be asking yourself if you really have a shot at two marshmallows or just one. Do you feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?” Perhaps I have some marshmallow trauma to work through.
The one or two marshmallows idea is tied to the issue of forgoing short-term gratifications that might undermine long-term gratification. It's something I've encountered when doing things like eating a bag of chips while impatiently waiting for a gourmet meal to be ready (but you know how hard it is to eat just one), or when I've spent money on little five and ten dollar items that wiped out funds I intended to save for a big-ticket item, or even some of the recreational dating I did in my early twenties to keep from being lonely on a Saturday night that in turn made me--and some of the girls I went out with--feeling more lonely when we were ready to find a good spouse.
As a result I found myself at various times sliding into problems like extra weight, a bad bank balance, and even a broken wedding engagement that were far afield from the good decisions I intended to make. On the other hand, the things I've enjoyed most in life--my relationship with Candice and our kids, my work, book writing, quiet time with God and more--have all grown out of forgoing short-term gratification and actively deciding to hold out for something better instead of sliding alongside the whims of my sin nature.
So are you a one or two marshmallow kind of person and how's that affecting your ability to make and keep good decisions?
1. Rachael said the following at 10:45 AM on Mar 13:
We can make foolish decisions, but also there are Scriptures that show God's sovereignty like in Proverbs 16. (verses 1, 3 [might be for good 2 marshmallows decisions], 9, 33)
We do sin and go against what God's revealed will in Scripture. At the same time, He is ultimately in control.
Ultimately, He can throw us into the sea to calm the storm. Then He can send us the saving fish...
Of course, yes, it would be best to avoid the storm in the first place if possible and if it's clear we're making a decision God wouldn't want us to make.
2. Christina (in green) said the following at 11:55 AM on Mar 13:
With career development, i'm one marshmellow.
And I do slide into decisions i never wanted to make in this category.
Other things, though... in spite of the catalyst that drove my husband and i to the place where we are right now at break-neck speeds, i don't even think THAT was a one marshmellow decision.
Oddly enough.
In everything but my career, i usually spend a lot of time thinking about decisions, their consequences, etc. Decisions are typically made thoughtfully and purposely.
And so far, I've never been happier (except for in my job =p)
3. Celebrindal said the following at 2:09 PM on Mar 13:
I'm a two marshmallow person in most cases. It's good to hold out for what's better even if it means denying desires now. However, there are times that holding out for what might be better comes back to bite you...for instance, a person who holds out for the perfect spouse and ends up unmarried far longer than they expected. There are times to wait and times to go ahead and make the jump. Wisdom is knowing which is which.
4. BDB said the following at 2:38 PM on Mar 13:
Actually, you can use the two-marshmellow theory as a justification to delay marriage.
Specifically, some people look around at the financial struggles of people following divorce. I think it's worse for women who become single mothers through a divorce that was not their choice. But it affects anyone who has children and now needs to find a way to cover all the expenses while the parents are maintaining two households - a very economically inefficient arrangement.
So, they might desire companionship, but delay seeking out (or responding to) opportunities for "relationships" until they are financially "secure."
If your goal is to buy a house before you think about marriage, it actually does require quite a bit of growing-up and financial discipline to get to that point. It also requires 10 years or so...
5. Julia H said the following at 3:27 PM on Mar 13:
“You must be asking yourself if you really have a shot at two marshmallows or just one."
The problem is some people mire themselves in indecision and end up with a waffle and no marshmallows.
6. Jo said the following at 3:44 PM on Mar 13:
Is it okay if I slide into good decisions?
Seriously, that's pretty much what has brought me to where I am in my 'career' (music therapy). My Mum felt God prompt her to look into it for me when I was 16. I was totally uninterested and remained totally uninterested for the next 6 or 7 years, yet somehow I slid into a degree and then job that would later prove to be perfect experience for music therapy, and somehow through all of that I began to see how music therapy combined everything I was good at and passionate about.
So God pretty much led me here without me realising. It's as if He was just giving me a heads up so that further down the line I'd know He planned it all along, even though I totally didn't. :)
7. Keith said the following at 4:29 PM on Mar 13:
While it is good to make careful long term plans rather than giving into the temptation of the moment, even careful planning and right living doesn't guarantee a favourable outcome. For example, there are numerous people who make all the right decisions to get into a good career - Went to school, worked hard at previous jobs, did tons of volunteer work - and yet they still are stuck in low paying menial work.
We can make plans, but those plans can be destroyed, or delayed by God's timing. And sometimes it seems that right living and sinful living still result in the same outcome. There are people who had sex before marriage who have happy marriages and families, and there are some who waited who end up with the same kind of marriage....
Ultimately, it is our duty to do the right thing, regardless of whether we get blessed for doing so or not...we don't live right so that we can be blessed. Instead we do it to bring glory to God.
8. Bird Lady said the following at 5:44 PM on Mar 13:
Being now well into middle age (sorry, I know I'm not your target audience), I'd say my best important decisions have been neither sliding nor planning. Instead, I've been blessed with having a good opportunity come along, and then with the sense to grab it and stick with it. That goes for most of the jobs I've had, my overseas study program in college, getting married, and staying home for twenty-five years to raise my children. The one time in my life I really had a plan, I got married instead. No regrets! Now I'm looking at starting over in the work world. Nothing special has come along yet, so I'm making a plan. But if the right thing comes along, I'll take it.
9. Vanessa said the following at 10:38 PM on Mar 14:
I'm a two marshmallow type of person...who is STILL holding out hope for the second marshmallow!!!!
Every time I'm tempted to reach for the lone marshmallow in front of me, I think of the second one coming and sit back. And wait. Still waiting. Getting tired of waiting....but still waiting.
Sometimes it is just not fair.
But I'm still waiting.
10. Jo said the following at 4:15 PM on Mar 15:
Now the question is, if you've seen two marshmallows in the past, but those two marshmallows are now unavailable, should you hold out for another two marshmallows or just settle for one? Maybe one marshmallow seems okay until you've seen two...
11. Sarah P. said the following at 1:15 PM on Mar 16:
My biggest "one marshmallow" is people interaction. It's really hard for me to dip into a long-term writing project, for example, because then I have to forego significant social activity for a time. It gets easier when I have a stable community, because then I can leave people for a few weeks and they'll still be there later.
12. Elizabeth H. said the following at 10:12 AM on Mar 17:
I agree with Keith (no.7). It's not as simple as all that.
I'm not sure if I understand the analogy. God doesn't always give directions as clear as 1 marshmallow now, 2 later. I can't think of many examples. What if you don't know there is going to be a gourmet meal later? And while there are consequences to our actions, God is merciful and often gives us a second chance to go for the better option.
Sometimes I find myself choosing an option wasn't my first choice. It can feel a bit conflicted, so I ask the Lord to correct me if I'm making the wrong decision.
13. Andrea-Elena said the following at 4:31 PM on Mar 20:
Yeah, I agree with those who are not totally jiving with the metaphor. So I'm gonna make my own.
I don't want marshmallows now or later, when it comes to relationships (fluffy, not substantial, not long-lasting). I want the gourmet, healthful, well-balanced meal of a MARRIAGE.
I have never seen dating as something to fill up my time, my evenings, my weekend. Blessedly, I can entertain myself, hang out w/ gal pals, or go find something to do... if boredom is the issue.
I did go through a phase of wanting to be a girlfriend/have a boyfriend and enjoy all the benefits of dating, which contributed to my staying in a few relationships too long. But now I don't see relationships (or people) that way. Or... at least I *hope* I don't.
Now my priority is on being found by my future husband, not having a dinner companion. So I don't pussy-foot around in deciding if a gentleman I'm considering is a prospect worthy of further investigation into his marriage-candidate-ness for me. (And before someone says "gosh that's selfish; you sound as if it's all about you," remember that you are the only person you can decide compatibility for. It's not up to you to figure out for your dating partner if you are good for him. And you can't determine that for any of your friends/loved ones either. Each has to evaluate for himself/herself.)
I'll give a guy I'm really interested in or sorta interested in, two or three outings (as friends or as dates) one on one. After that, if he's not a good fit, then we don't hang out one on one anymore. That's IT. End of story. Doesn't mean I won't ever speak to him again ('cause likely he's in my sphere of contact somehow)... but it does mean that he's not gonna receive a big slice of my inner resources that I invest in people. (And if I've already figured out through other types of interaction that I am totally not interested in the dude whatsoever, then I don't go out with him one on one ever. No pity dates!!)
I don't know whether it's a blessing or just a "meh" that right now I don't have anyone to consider seriously. At least, no one who's showing interest. (And I've come to the point that if the guy doesn't pursue me, he's not worth my gettin' twitterpainted over.)
Make sense?
14. Leah said the following at 1:57 AM on Mar 21:
I like the analogy and think it's good for some things, but not all. Being flexible is great. Sometimes you are offered two marshmallows straight up. You have to be able to make the decision as to whether to take the two marshmallows now, or do you hesitate and think "but what if I come across THREE marshmallows later?" Then you might give up the two marshmallows only to find out you will never get offered more than one marshmallow again. This is a minor example, but I was like that with choosing my wedding dress. I got engaged two weeks before leaving on a 5 week holiday. Once I got back from holiday, it would be less than 5 months until my wedding. Most dress sellers advise you to order your dress 6 months ahead of time because if it has to be imported from the US it can take up to 6 months. So I did HEAPS of wedding dress shopping in those 2 weeks before going on holiday. The day before I was due to leave, it came down to 2 dresses. One of which I could buy off the rack. Neither was EXACTLY what I'd had in mind. My choices were...
1) Order dress #1
2) Buy dress #2 off the rack
3) Wait until after my holiday and hope I found a dress I liked even better that would either take LESS than 6 months to be delivered OR I could buy off the rack.
I ended up buying dress #2 off the rack. It might not have been there when I got back 5 weeks later. What if it had been gone and I'd not found a dress I liked better? But at the time I had no way of knowing if that was my one marshmallow or two marshmallows. I just had to choose. (As a side note, I am now Matron of Honour for a friend getting married this year. I had wanted a lace overlay on my dress and there were very few to choose from when I got married. There are HEAPS now. It's so unfair :( :P. )
Andrea-Elena - that's taking the analogy completely out of context.
15. Andrea-Elena said the following at 8:43 AM on Mar 23:
Leah,
I know. I kinda went w/ my own thoughts and totally chased a rabbit. I should have posted on my own blog, I guess.