The Many Faces of Relationships: Episode 58

Well, I'm busy. This could be because Dr. Dobson announced his resignationas chairman of the board of Focus on the Family today. The fact that I'm on Focus' media team means that actions such as this signal short-term craziness for me. From the time the announcement was made in our monthly employee chapel service this morning, I've been on the phone nonstop, setting up interviews, sending out our news release and -- in poorly-chosen high heels, mind you -- walking photogs around the campus for strategic shots. But it's good. All in a day's work.

I didn't have time for lunch, so I foolishly downed a Monster Energydrink and some Now & Laters instead, and am feeling a bit jittery. I just emerged from our news conference where Dr. Dobson and Focus President/CEO Jim Daly spoke to local news outlets about the decision. Both Dr. Dobson and Jim assured folks that Focus will remain committed to its founding principles while at the same time striving to effectively meet the needs of families worldwide.

It's fun to be part of something big like this. I'm in the middle of a little bit of history. Never did I imagine, sitting in my college journalism classes years and years ago, that one day I'd be on the phone with CNN, FoxNews, NPR and others talking about why it's important to help families thrive. And why the Bible models the best way in which to do this. It makes me think of the task before us. The world isn't getting any less hostile to Christians, and the culture isn't cleaning up its act. But God is still God, and because He's in charge, founders of ministries can relinquish some operational control and everything's still ok. Yay!

And now on to the show. Each segment this week has a unique take on different relationships and their issues:

Straight Talk for Single Women -- 00:00
Candice and I are in the hot seat(s) as Dr. Juli Slattery, Focus' family psychologist, asks us to get real about women and singleness. Shouldn't we be content where we are? Are we supposed to be this "active" in desiring marriage? How do we encourage women as women, regardless of their marital status? Dr. Slattery's skepticism takes Candice to task. And I speak up as the single girl.

Friends and Adversaries -- 26:46
Glenn Stanton is straight. John Corvino is gay. Glenn is a Christian. John is an atheist. These men are friends, and regularly debate the subject of same-sex marriage on college campuses around the nation. When they're not debating, they talk about life, faith, family and everything in between. Listen in as Glenn shares what it's like to cultivate a friendship when both parties disagree on many things, but are determined to continue the conversation despite it all.

Living With Your BFF -- 51:00
Should best friends be roommates, or is that a recipe for unspeakable drama? If you're already in one another's lives, should you also be in each other's laundry? Suzanne Hadley sits down with me this week to relive our own roomie-filled pasts, and together we uncover the heartwarming and hair-pulling aspects of living with someone who knows you (too) well.

Time for me to go home. It's been a long and tiring day. I need to kick off the heels and eat something with nutrients before gearing up for a busy weekend. I'm back here tomorrow to handle media for our national marriage simulcast. In order to impress Candice, at some point I'll rush the stage, grab a mic and throw out my phone number. Sure, most attendees will be married, but they have single friends...

Comments

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1. BDB said the following at 11:14 PM on Feb 27:

I definitely agree that American culture is far more weighted towards "dating" than approaching marriage. I'd say 95% of the focus by those in a church mentoring role is on dating and "how far is too far."

Though, ironically, when younger people come to me to ask career/education questions, I now tell them they need to pray about how God's plan for their future marriage might be affected by things like student loans. Twenty-year-old's eyes get very wide when I do that.

What you say about some women not being open to being pursued is true also. There is an article by Carolyn McCulley about how men should expect to disrupt a woman's life if he pursues her. To be honest, I've known a number of women who are extremely hostile to the idea of anyone disrupting their plans. They will only date men who don't threaten their own plans. Given the medical risks involved in life, I don't think they're being realistic. But they are still fully committed to finding a "soul mate" who will not disrupt their plans.

This may be more common in an MBA program than among female volunteers in children's ministry. Still, the only time I heard about the Mrs. degree was from single women speaking derisively of other women in college. It wasn't until I was 30 that a few women confided that they chose their graduate program (nursing and audiology) specifically because it offered lots of flexibility compatible with motherhood.

I'm convinced it's an American culture phenomenon because Cambodia was so different. Unlike American Christians, no one was asking about "dating." The 20-something Cambodians just asked Americans flat out, "Why aren't your married?" Even the Western women took a different approach. All the single Westerners I met immediately started telling me about their calling in life - within the first five minutes of conversation. It was clear they were gettng tired of following their calling alone and were looking for someone with a compatible calling. I think I was asked about my calling more in 2 weeks in Cambodia than in years at church events in the U.S.

Honestly, that was a bigger adjustment than the other aspects of the culture.

2. Jo said the following at 3:02 AM on Feb 28:

I lived with my 'BFF' for two years and absolutely LOVED it. Several people warned me that it wasn't a good idea to live with a close friend and that it would ruin our friendship. In fact our friendship didn't change one bit, except for the fact that we saw each other a lot more often. We didn't have a single argument in the entire time we lived together. So there you go. Guess it depends on personalities. :) Definitely helped that we're both very easy going, and we also worked different shifts so we both had alone time in the flat as well as time together. And that we're both a little bit crazy.

3. Michael said the following at 8:18 AM on Feb 28:

Um, I need to correct you for something you said this week, and forgive me I . Sometimes, in our desire as human beings to rationalize our singleness, or our search for a partner in marriage, in holy matrimony...

And was mentioned of a gentlemen who resigned himself to not not having sex through is death bed. I feel for him; having made some mistakes along the way myself and gotten conjugal with former girlfriends before its time myself, I'll probably die with some regrets myself, this is not to diminish or dismiss anything.

We like to think of Jesus as being the penultimate single person. However, Jesus was NOT, I repeat, NOT, single. Yet, he was married to the Father. No one comes to the Father except through Me. If you have seen Me you have seen the Father. Let's look to His return, the Marriage Supper of the Lamb, through which Jesus will reclaim His Bride, the Church of True Believers.

Lisa might have eluded to this earlier in the broadcast, maybe without intending to, the teaching that seems to have infiltrated the church at large, or at least that I've been exposed to, that says, be content in your singleness and your singless alone, and here are the reasons.

I just need to put that correction out there, because the church, seemingly at large, has it wrong in this regard. And don't get me started about co-habiting or so-called "same-sex" legislations, which have become in vogue as of late. Be salt and light in the world and let that be our witness to anyone who would consider otherwise.

4. Ted Slater said the following at 8:54 AM on Feb 28:

Michael (#3) -- I think I understand what you're trying to say, but I have to disagree with how you've said it.

First, Jesus has never been "married to the Father." He *is* going to be married to His Church, but it's an error to say that he is somehow the Father's Spouse.

Second, I'm not sure anyone would say that Jesus is the next-to-last single person.

Third, you didn't make "some mistakes along the way" with your former girlfriends. You sinned. A mere "mistake" can be ignored; a "sin" can be forgiven.

I do see your larger point, though, that we can't think of Jesus as eternally single. He's not.

5. Janice said the following at 10:31 AM on Feb 28:

Lisa, your segment w/Candace was nothing short of incredible. I connected with it in so many ways. Thank you for being open, honest, transparent, and for keeping it real for the God's glory!

6. Rachael said the following at 11:36 AM on Feb 28:

For a time a past roommate of mine was a good friend, though I'm not sure if we shared a lot of depth before the roommate experience. We were friends beforehand, but possibly mostly or all-ly in the group setting.

She has remained a good friend through the years after the roommate experience though we don't communicate all the time.She was a bridesmaid in my wedding. I don't feel the need to constantly communicate with good friends, so perhaps if I was someone like that the roommate experience may have been more difficult.

We had our own lives, we each often went home on the weekends, and we had an intersection point with ministry. It worked out well. It's possible there may have been one or more disagreements but I don't really remember.

One of our suitemates was really cool, too.

Rooming with good friends could totally be doable, but it's good to have space for the individual lives.

7. Anonymous said the following at 11:59 AM on Feb 28:

Lisa, I too am in my thirties and single and have spent a lot of time analyzing my twenties. What did I do wrong during that time that caused me to be single now? I finally came to the conclusion that I actually did a lot of things *right* and shouldn't beat myself up. I put myself in a lot of situations where I could meet Christian men (e.g., church groups, conferences, gatherings with friends), didn't date non-Christians, etc. Plenty of single Christian women do just what I did and end up married during their twenties, although, like me, there are also many that don't. And your thinking that something would just "happen" concerning meeting a husband wasn't entirely unrealistic, given that all of us probably know quite a few women who met their spouses randomly and with very little effort on their part. Finally, I didn't squander relationships because I was too picky; I can honestly say that marrying anyone I dated would have been a bad idea. Such things are not always immediately obvious.

I wish more time would have been spent discussing the fact that, after college, more single women stick around the church than single men. This is a *huge* part of the problem that single Christian women face in marrying.

I think having a mentor is a great idea, but I wonder how workable it actually is for most people. A lot of women who married young and have been married seemingly forever have *no idea* of what it's like to be a single woman. At a womens' retreat I went to, a fellow attendee scoffed when one of the speakers alluded to single womens' having to "cope." This attitude is widespread. And even in situations where there are empathetic and willing mentors to be found, it's difficult for a single woman to ask a mentor to introduce her to quality single men when there are so few single men in most churches. (By the way, this is not meant to denigrate the single men who remain in our churches. We single women appreciate you sticking around!)

8. Casey (the Student Nurse) said the following at 1:02 PM on Feb 28:

As far as your actions at the marriage simulcast... Do it.

9. Anonymous said the following at 3:28 PM on Feb 28:

To add to my previous comment, another thing I did "right" when I was in my twenties was pray for a husband. A lot.

10. Michael said the following at 6:43 PM on Feb 28:

I appreciate the rebuttle, Ted. My thoughts are not His thoughts, my ways are not His ways. Absolutely; I'm a sinner. Let's call it what it is, not dismiss or diminish anything. Okay, so we can't think of Jesus as married to the Father; let's recall He's coequal, coeternal, etc, with the Father and the Holy Spirit. And yes, Jesus wants to reclaim His Bride, the Church, spotless and without blemish.

11. Leah said the following at 9:03 PM on Feb 28:

Living with a "BFF"... I think that would depend. If I think about my 5 closest friends (the 4 girls who were my bridesmaids plus another), I'd guess there are three I could live with, one I probably couldn't, and one that I'm not sure. #1 is my sister- I'm totally used to living with her! I find it's also easier to argue with my sister; we can get over it much faster than would happen in an argument with mere friends. #2 is a lot like me; we've never argued though we do get a bit frustrated with each other but find it easy to blow over. #3 is also a lot like me and we often spend hours just sitting in my living room talking, and even though I'm married and she's still living in the family home, we both carry out similar chores within our homes and can relate. #4- the one I couldn't live with- we were sick of each other after a week-long schoolies camp. (Schoolies is a week-long celebration Australian students have when they finish grade 12). #5- we've known each other since the first day of highschool and have had MANY arguments and made up many times, and since leaving school have drifted a little, ended up in very different lifestyles and friend-groups; we still get along and love each other but I'm not sure how those two different lifestyles would gel.

So I think it both might and might not work! It would probably depend how different/similar you are and if you've had any experience living with each other, even for a short time.

12. Jo said the following at 10:04 AM on Mar 1:

Heheh. "Reassess the men you know"...

So okay, I've been doing that a little bit recently. There's a guy I know who is pretty much perfect except for the fact that I'm not attracted to him 'in that way'. But I accept that attraction can grow, so despite that, he's such a great guy that if he asked me out I probably would 'give him a chance'.

However, this guy has been my friend for over a decade and in fact asked me out when I was 18 and I turned him down. Never since has there been any suggestion of anything more than friendship. I'm sure that even if he was interested now, there's no way he'd say anything, because our friendship is so well established.

Now that's just an example, and I change my mind about it on a pretty much daily basis anyway. I suspect that I'm just trying to persuade myself to feel 'that way' because the eligible Christian men around here are so limited. (Where's the balance between being blind to what is there, and trying to see what isn't there?) And it almost seems pointless to even contemplate it because what could I do about it anyway?!

13. Mark said the following at 3:57 PM on Mar 1:

Anonymous (#7),

It seems to me (based on what you said..of course not knowing anything about specifics) that your conclusion about not "beating yourself up" is right on.

I don't think people should assume just because they didn't get married that there was some inherent flaw in what they did. We can't assume that marriage comes from doing everything right. Sometimes it comes to people that do many things wrong and meanwhile elludes people who have generaly been much more careful and "right" in what they do.

I guess when there are no results, it should give us pause to evaluate our actions and motives, but it shouldn't be a foregone conclusion that something wrong was done.

It's great that you single ladies appreciate "quality single men" sticking around. Certainly not a category I've attained to, but I'll be sure to give a good hi five to those I know :)

14. BDB said the following at 4:26 PM on Mar 1:

The comment in #12 brings to mind a couple of passages in this devotional:

If you find yourself falling for a girl who offers you only casual friendship, or worse, the cold shoulder, first get it settled with God that she is the one to pursue. Even if a woman tells a man to "get lost" but he knows in his heart she's the right one, he can still wait and pray for God's timing. I know of many married couples whose courtship began this way.

The time will come when your conversations have revealed, without direct inquiry, whether this woman would be prepared to accept your destiny and your headship; whether she is maternal, a homeworker--in short, whether she is what you've been praying for.

It is a great mistake to put too much stock in physical beauty or in thrills and chills. Neither has anything to do with a sound foundation for a marriage. Remember that the love of 1 Corinthians 13 is action, not a glandular condition. The love that makes a marriage is basically a deep respect and an unselfish kindness. That's pleasant to live with.

15. BDB said the following at 7:13 PM on Mar 1:

Jo (#12) wrote:

>>There's a guy I know who is pretty much perfect except for the fact that I'm not attracted to him 'in that way'.<<

The years between 18 and 28 usually involve a lot of life choices - by age 28 you really start to see the differences between those who chose the responsible life and those who chose to party. If it's several years later and you're noticing that the rest of his life is 'perfect,' that might be important.

As facebook spreads through my high school graduating class, I'm finding that I'm not connecting with the people I hung out with back then. Rather, it's generally those who are practicing Christians now and the people who took a family-oriented route. It's definitely a mental adjustment. It makes me wonder why we weren't discussing this kind of thing in high school.

16. Christina (in green) said the following at 9:15 AM on Mar 2:

I think living with a best friend can be good practice for living with a spouse.

if you think you're too close to live with your best friend, how can you justify living with your husband or wife?

I lived with my best friend and we did pretty well. It could be stilted at times, but we managed rather well. It was actually my more enjoyable renting experience (opposed to living solo). We're still friends (5 years later).

It definitly helps that we both came from large families. Getting to choose who you live with is infinitely more enjoyable than being forced to live with the runt that crashed your happy childhood with wakeful nights, tiptoeing afternoons, and more dirty diapers than you can think who grows up to steal your toothbrush to scrub clean the GI Joe he had buried behind the shed for some kind of "experiment".

**Please note, I love my brothers and wouldn't trade them for the world :) This was meant solely as being humorous =p But does accurately reflect life with little brothers :)**