How Was It? Part 3
by Motte Brown on 02/05/2009 at 6:00 PM
Being emptied is one thing. Remaining empty was just completely unexpected.
After our physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausting trip, I thought being home, along with a few days rest, were all I would need to renew my pre-adoption joy and excitement ... even the love I felt for our newly adopted children. I expected that the anticipation would be replaced by fulfillment.
What's interesting, and probably most disturbing, is that it never came. Or I should say, it hasn't come yet.
Instead of the joyful fulfillment after years of praying and planning, I'm sad. Maybe even a little depressed. What I'm beginning to understand is that everything has changed, forever. There's a new normal now. And I'm grieving the old, the way things used to be.
Like, for example, our relationship with our biological children. I miss them. They're still there of course. But in a different way. I no longer have the luxury of time; quality time with each one. I think it will come. But ignoring them seems to be part of the new normal right now. I don't like it.
And then there's the strange feelings I'm having about our adopted children. I can only describe it as being somewhat annoyed by them. Not all the time. Just when they do things like wipe jelly on the walls. Or pull up our drip system. Or pinch. Or activate all battery powered, noise making toys all at once. (They love those electronic toys!)
This will probably seem a little cruel but I called our new kids "the others" yesterday. You know, like on Lost. Our biological kids are the survivors of the Oceanic flight and our adopted kids are the "others." Though I do expect that we'll discover our love for them again soon. Because we do love them. It just surprised me how differently it feels when we're all together.
I think we're sort of dealing with the same issues as step families. Ron Deal of Successful Stepfamilies says (on this week's podcast) love doesn't come automatically with blended families and warns of forcing it. And though it's a little different with adoption (meaning I love them already), it seems a little more like work than with our biological kids.
But despite the challenges, there's no regret. Not an ounce. Even at our lowest, we never regretted.
After a particularly hard day last week, my wife turned to me in exhaustion and said, "We've ruined our lives." I said, "I don't think so. But even if we have, it's ok. Because we've saved theirs."
You simply can't regret saving someone's life. Or, at the very least, giving four orphans a new one brimming with love and hope and opportunity and, most importantly, the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Even if it costs you in significant ways, it's impossible to regret that.
So that's how it was.
1. Sara said the following at 6:30 PM on Feb 5:
Angelina Jolie said of adopting, "It’s not a humanitarian thing, because I don’t see it as a sacrifice. It’s a gift. We’re all lucky to have each other."
Of course she's got pretty much unlimited resources.
2. cait said the following at 6:42 PM on Feb 5:
thank you for your honesty.
3. Heather said the following at 7:32 PM on Feb 5:
Wow, what an incredible story you've shared. I honestly haven't been to this website for a long time, and your story caught my eye. I pray that God will give you the strength you need as you take on this new chapter in your lives. God bless your family!
4. Jenny said the following at 7:41 PM on Feb 5:
this post reminds me of something my mom says a lot. My parents adopted a son, and I've heard my mom counsel many an adoptive parent, saying, "everything you're feeling is 'normal'." Thanks for sharing "how it was" and I'm praying for your family!
5. Kelly said the following at 8:05 PM on Feb 5:
THANK YOU for sharing the truth of this experience. I'm one of those who admires you so much for taking these steps and yet imagined it would be easy.
I know that in 10 years, you will be able to look back and say it was the best thing you ever did. I pray for God's blessings on you and your family during this transitionary time!
6. Jonathon said the following at 8:19 PM on Feb 5:
will continue to pray for y'all. strength and peace
7. Alison said the following at 9:02 PM on Feb 5:
All of your six kids have no idea how lucky they are to have you as a parent.
You and your wife are insane enough to think adopting four children from a foreign country is a good idea, but grounded and thoughtful enough to daily identify your flaws and failures and simply discard them, turning toward Christ for help.
Every bit of extra patience, humility and self-denial you exercise today in favor of your children works your Christ-like muscles. You will be unfathomably strong in a half-decade daily if you and your wife consciously grow with those six. I've read your writing--you have the right mentality for this marathon. Train to make Satan fear you.
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
2 Tim 1:7
8. k. said the following at 9:29 PM on Feb 5:
I admire you guys for taking this on. But please, no more "Other" refs, unless the kids are actually shooting at people and yelling, "We're gonna have to take the boy!" ;)
9. Understandably Anonymous said the following at 9:46 PM on Feb 5:
When I gave birth to my first child, I expected all of that emotional (idolatrous?) stuff that both the world and the church told me was an automatic part of becoming a mother.
But for over 18 months I felt next to nothing. At least, nothing good. No overwhelming love, no all-consuming joy. In fact, in a lot of ways I felt like I had died.
And that was the beginning of the most incredible transformation of my walk with Christ. Stripped of all my expectations, I was driven to Jesus in a way I'd never been before.
Almost 8 years and two more kids later, my walk with Christ has been transformed. I still need His power to love my kids and love my husband the way He wants (compared to what the world expects). And because I love Him, that's my goal.
Motte, Jesus loves you, and He loves those kids, and He wants you all to know Him and love Him. And that's why He made you a family.
I'll be praying for you.
10. Louise from Chicago said the following at 10:04 PM on Feb 5:
Now that you are all back home you can begin the process of settling in as a family.
:)
11. DannieA said the following at 11:37 PM on Feb 5:
For what it's worth...with older children (even though I know you have the younger twins), it does take more time to feel the attachment to them, right now it's more about the committment than the feelings. My prayers are with you.
12. Ame said the following at 11:49 PM on Feb 5:
"Being emptied is one thing. Remaining empty was just completely unexpected."
"What's interesting, and probably most disturbing, is that it never came. Or I should say, it hasn't come yet."
***
I love these words you've written ... because they seem to fly in the face of many a godly man and woman who have never faced such places in their lives ... as though it is your fault and you are not godly enough ... or something enough ... or you would already be filled again.
I'm amazed at the depths of which I have been emptied ... in ways that I would have argued you to my grave would NEVER happen to me, and yet they did. And some religious people think it's my fault.
No, it's not anyone's fault. It's life. You took on the hard stuff, and it's drained ... sucked ... the life out of you ... and you have no idea when or if or how you will ever get that life back again ... or how it will look when it does. And even if you do get the same life back again, it will be different because you will NEVER be able to look at it the same again.
This may sound trite, but I see the hand of God working powerfully in your lives right now. As my Mentor used to say to me, "God trusts you with this." You know, God trusts you with this. And the hard thing is that you will wish He didn't trust you so much ... cause it's that hard.
I don't know what God has for you and Beth and your six children ... but you can bet it's big ... and not in a human kinda way, but in a God kinda way ... most of which you will never know till you reach heaven. Now all you have to do is remember that God is God. You don't even have to hold on ... cause God will hold onto you ... which is a very good thing b/c you won't always be able to hold on.
***
I think you are gutsy to acknowledge the difference between your biological children and your adopted children ... and even gutsier to state it. But the reality is that ... it is true. There is a difference. It's harder. The curve is different. The process is different. The road is different. And I'm guessing that when you do get *there* ... whatever and where ever *there* is, that it will look very, very different than what you imagine now.
***
When I was going through my Sexual Abuse Recovery group concurrent with my weekly therapy, my counselor said something to me that I will never forget ... he said, "Sometimes I feel a little bit jealous of those of you who have experienced this because you get to have an intimacy with God that the rest of us will never know about."
I think that was very profound. I can see that this new life of yours is creating the opportunity within you and Beth to have an intimacy with God that the rest of us will never know about.
May that be true for you, Motte, and for Beth and for your biological children ... and for your adoptive children. May you find a place, a place in these depths ... where God creates this intimacy with Him that you cannot even articulate it's so profound, so personal, so encompassing.
***
When going through the depths of some of the really hard stuff, I finally *got* the verse in Psalms 42:7: "Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;all your waves and breakers have swept over me." I never understood "deep calls to deep" ... until I was in the deep, and I heard God calling to me there. See, He was already there ... waiting for me ... calling out to me. And all I had to do was acknowledge Him, and He did all the rest. It was nothing, absolutely nothing about me ... and it was absolutely ALL about Him.
May you hear Him calling to you in your deep. May you relax into this season and not fight it, allowing God to fill you with all of Him and enable you to live one moment to the next. May you and Beth find an intimacy with God and each other that is so profound you cannot articulate it. May you find that while you are so empty, He is there ... even if He chooses not to fill you anytime soon. May you find that the love of God flowing through you to each other and your children is enough until God does fill you again. And may you find time on your knees when a toilet is not needed in front of you :)
13. Colette said the following at 1:12 AM on Feb 6:
Thanks for being so transparent. Please continue to update and let the Boundless community know how we can be praying for you all. God will get you through each day, even if sometimes you feel like you are just surviving. That's okay. You will get to a place where you are thriving.
God bless!
14. Dawn said the following at 1:36 AM on Feb 6:
My neice and nephew came to live with us (again) because my brother in-law went to prison (again). Although I loved them I was resentful but not toward them but toward God. I knew is was the right thing to do but my heart was not in it. I was such a complainer in my prayer time- WHY ME God!!! Well let me tell you God revealed WHY within the next two years. Both my neice and nephew accepted Jesus in their hearts and then my brother in-law accepted Jesus and then his girlfriend accepted Jesus. Now they are reunited with their kids and live in the same town and we are all close. Hang in there!! you and your wife are doing Gods work. There is no telling how many people will be saved because of what you and your wife are doing.
15. Jess said the following at 2:43 AM on Feb 6:
I really, really appreciate your honesty. This is the side that doesn't get told hardly ever, because of pride. I'm thankful that your desire to be honest, even when it's not "pretty", has won out over your desire to look good or make it seem all sanctified and "just so".
Thanks.
16. RJW said the following at 4:13 AM on Feb 6:
I'm pretty sure if God has given us a specific task for us to do that no one else can do- he won't make it an easy ride for us. He wants us to come out the other side with a deeper reliance, gratitude and humility for his mercies and grace. I'm not sure that would be possible, nor enjoyed to the fullest possible dose if the calling we were given were to be carried out in a painless way.
Moreover, God's end for us in this life is not primarily to make us happy, but to make us holy- being conformed to the image of Christ that we may be satisfied in him which gives glory to him.
I can only say, Motte, that I am thankful God has given you such grace and mercy- that he has chosen to glorify himself through you and your wife is something to be continually joyful about! (Even though your children smear jelly on the walls!)
17. jpritchard said the following at 5:00 AM on Feb 6:
i just wanted to thank you for your transparency. the honesty, i feel, isn't something we see too often here on Boundless--& quite frankly, it is REFRESHING. to know that the families & lives behind the articles have hard times, too--that God didn't give you guys a quadruple dose of "life is easy". not that i'm wishing ill of anyone, but tHANK YOU for your honesty.
i've often thought, wished, hoped to adopt someday. my husband is still on the fence about it. it most certainly is a calling...and i'm thankful for your family's example that God blesses those who answer His leading--even if the blessings are slow in coming.
you ALL will remain in our prayers.
18. farmer Tom said the following at 5:56 AM on Feb 6:
7. Alison,
If you are the same Alison who made several assertions over in the evolution thread, we are waiting for your answers.
You claimed certain things as fact which you have failed to defend.
Please come back and give your response.
We're waiting.
19. Laura said the following at 7:14 AM on Feb 6:
Y'all's honesty is so great. Praise God for your faith.
Be encouraged, dear friends! We're praying for you.
20. Cherith said the following at 8:04 AM on Feb 6:
Thank you so much for sharing your story....your honesty is much appreciated. God will continue to bless you, your wife, and family. Keep your eyes on Him, and He will strengthen you daily.
Many prayers are going up on your behalf!
21. Emme said the following at 8:16 AM on Feb 6:
My prayers are with you! I admire you greatly for doing this, and for being so honest with the struggles.
22. Heidi Marie said the following at 8:24 AM on Feb 6:
Thank you so much for your honesty! I'll be praying for you as well.
23. anonymous said the following at 9:24 AM on Feb 6:
Motte, that was a beautiful and honest post. I think everything you are feeling is normal. I would like to tell you a bit about the effects of an international adoption on my extended family, because there are things in hindsight that probably should have been done differently.
My relatives, who already had several preteen children, adopted preschool aged siblings internationally. Both children ended up having unexpectedly severe special needs. What ended up happening was that the biological children never really bonded with their adopted siblings. It is almost like two different sets of children living in the same home. The biological siblings ended up having some serious issues themselves that were not necessarily caused by the adoption, but the parents were overwhelmed and had trouble giving all their children the attention they needed. In some ways it was a really sad situation, though I think things have improved now that the older kids have started moving out of the house.
To my knowledge, they never sought the help of Christian counselors or adoption support groups. Please don't be afraid to do that.
I hate for this post to sound so negative; my only intention is to make sure you are aware of some of the issues that can come up. Adoption is a wonderful but difficult thing, especially when you aren't adopting a newborn and you already have other children. Your entire family is in my thoughts and prayers.
(I chose to write this anonymously to protect the privacy of those involved)
24. Jo said the following at 10:37 AM on Feb 6:
All these feelings and experiences are exactly what life is about. And sharing them in this way, honestly and transparently, but trusting God throughout, is exactly what being a Christian is all about. I love this series, thanks for being so real.
25. HollyinOhio said the following at 12:28 PM on Feb 6:
Wow, thank you for your honesty. I will pray for your family - and that God will allow for a smooth transition.
26. Rachel said the following at 4:05 PM on Feb 6:
I'm so grateful for your authenticity and transparency. We have no "right" to peek into your personal life, to follow your family's new journey, but you let us in, all of us, and I'm appreciative. God bless you! PS... can you post your blog address again for us? And will you promise to let us know, here or on your blog, when/if you all need anything of a material nature? In the meantime, we'll keep praying for you all.
27. Emily said the following at 4:56 PM on Feb 6:
Could it be that God sometimes gives us a good deal of joy, confidence, and excitement on the front end of a huge step of faith, because He knows in our weakness we would not dare continue, knowing how it will initially turn out? It's as if he allures us sweetly, knowing we would not choose to travel a path full of such excruciating pain, yet also planning a stunningly beautiful result.
And yet Jesus Himself KNEW before He came to earth what agony He would suffer on our behalf. He did it anyway.
How great is our God, full of compassion and abundant mercy!
28. Alison said the following at 6:01 PM on Feb 6:
Tom (#18),
The words are coming! I just wrote a 7000 word article for academic publication to help my future career opportunities, and am now attending to the work of my (max-credit hrs) of school classes I had to put off to accomplish that, plus it's midterm week here in Canada, and I'm doing this all while trying to uphold my commitments of teaching Sunday school at church and leading worship at university on top of working part time.
I said I wanted to do it justice--it will come! These short posts are in-between study breaks.
Off to write another paper so I can start studying for midterms!
29. Melissa said the following at 8:51 PM on Feb 6:
What a poignant and honest post. I admire the strength that you and Beth have and the fact that you are able to speak so truthfully will be a testament to others. God has blessed you with a beautiful family and a mission. I am quite sure you are going to soar.
30. Christopher from Albuquerque said the following at 11:30 PM on Feb 6:
Wow, Motte, I'm on the verge of crying after reading this last post. "Ruining" one's life (or, at least that life as it once was) is indeed worth it to have saved other lives. God bless you, my brother in Christ!
31. Priscilla said the following at 2:21 AM on Feb 7:
Thanks for your honest account of your journey and your feelings. Your wife has also been very frank in the posts on the family blog. I'll keep praying for you and your family.
I know Don Francisco wrote these words for couples, but it seems to me they're appropriate in your case as well: Love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will.
In fact, so much of the lyrics of that song are encouraging:
So you say you can't take it, the price is too high
The feelings have gone, it seems the river's run dry
You could never imagine it could turn out so rough
You give and give and give and still it's never enough
And your emotions have vanished but what's held to thrill?
You wonder if love is still alive in you still
But that ring on your finger, was put there to stay
You'll never forget the words you promised that day
Jesus didn't die for you because it was fun
He hung there for love because it had to be done
And in spite of the anguish, his word was fulfilled
Love is not a feeling it's an act of your will
Love is not a feeling it's an act of your will
Now I wouldn't try to tell you that it's easy to stand
When Satan's throwing everything that's at his command
But Jesus is faithful, his promise is true
And whatever he asks he gives the power to do
32. Sarah said the following at 10:19 AM on Feb 7:
Thank you so much for your honesty and for your willingness to be used by God to bring a wonderful life for these children. When my youngest brother was adopted, it took awhile for him to feel like family. I mean you are bringing a stranger into your family. But those feelings of love and joy do follow eventually. Blessings to you all!
33. Nancy said the following at 11:16 AM on Feb 7:
Just wanted to chime in as another adoptive parent with two bio kids when our daughter came home . . . We only had one new child, and still felt some of the same things you're feeling. I was trying to nap when our daughter napped, which meant I missed almost every chance to have time with our sons. I really missed them.
Also, as much as you love your new kids, they're still little strangers to you. I think of it like an arranged marriage -- you are committed to loving them for life, but you don't really know one another yet. The little pet names, jokes, and memories will grow with time -- it's been a year for us, and I can tell you that there is no difference between our love for our bio vs. adopted children.
Keep stumbling along through these first difficult weeks -- I can promise you that one day you'll suddenly realize that you feel differently about life with all of your children.
In Christ's love,
Nancy
34. Garita said the following at 4:50 PM on Feb 7:
I was drawn to tears reading the latest in the story of your adoption. My husband and I also adopted internationally and felt everything you have described. Unfortunately, no one told us that this was normal or that it would take years for the "stranger" to become like family. In fact, we had a lot of tension and anger almost daily for many years. It seemed that our adopted child and we were like two rivers always converging and never merging into peaceful waters. We all realize now that time must pass, much time and many, many seasons in which our adopted child experienced life with us. I learned so much about giving up my expectations and of being patient and of giving my adopted child space.
I did wonder what in the world I had done in adopting. I came even to doubt that God had lead us to do so. Those were dark days for me...I had so much to learn in adopting an older child. It would have helped so much to have a community that would have supported the transitions we adoptive families go through. Your sharing has been so healing for me. Thank you so much for the frankness!
I must tell you that our child is now in college and doing fantastically! Our relationship with this dear child has sweetened and we do praise God for allowing us to adopt. There is a depth in our lives because of this child's coming to us. It has made me a more humble and compassionate person; I am much more understanding of God's love towards me.
Hang in there! Give the New Normal time. He will lead you in your journey. I know He will! When He calls us to something beyond ourselves, be assured that He will provide the needed strength and grace.
35. Bruce and Barbara West said the following at 2:14 PM on Feb 8:
We can relate. We adopted 3 siblings internationally, already having two older children in their twenties. We were empty nesters. Suddenly, we had to get babysitters again. Freedom of movement was restricted. We had thought about having younger children again, saying it was no big deal but in reality it was a big deal; especially to Bruce. What we thought it would be, didn't mesh with reality. Reality was much harder.
They brought their own cultural idiosyncrasies into our life. The newest additions had life experiences together that we were not privy to and vice versa.
At first (and maybe even for years) it is a decision of the head to love the children - not an emotional response from the heart. But this emotion will come.
In addition, they're now in an environment where there truly are authority figures that they are now expected to come under. They've come from an orphanage where there were many adults, and one would presume many authority figures. And that's the problem. Since there are so many authority figures, there were really none. Just adults to be ignored, played off each other, cozied up to, etc. Now, there are just two, a husband and wife who communicate with each other, and are speaking and acting with the same focus and goal. Rebellion, and confusion, are the obvious and expected behaviors. They are no longer "in charge" and on their own anymore. We try to model the example of being under God's authority and subject to Christ so they can see in real life how it should be for them to be under our authority.
We've been at this 20 months now. Our older children have bonded well with the younger ones. We have all worked hard at this bonding -- especially considering we and the newest additions have lived on different continents than our oldest children. We have done a move from Asia to Europe in the last 10 months as well.
Your words and experiences are encouraging to us. Keep writing.
36. Rachael said the following at 8:45 AM on Feb 9:
"I said, "I don't think so. But even if we have, it's ok. Because we've saved theirs." "
***
Great attitude ~ "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends"
37. Ginny said the following at 8:34 PM on Mar 3:
Thanks for writing this and for being so honest. My husband and I have four biological children and brought home our two adopted sons about six weeks ago. I am dealing with the same feelings that you are and amazingly without regret. That's the irony I guess. Wondering, "what have we done?" but not being able to regret it because we know that God placed these boys in our family. Now we just have to be patient I guess and wonder when life will feel normal again.