Hiding Purchases From Your Spouse
by Motte Brown on 02/26/2009 at 3:06 PM
One of my favorite episodes of the King of Queens was when Doug discovered that Carrie maintains an inordinately expensive wardrobe of designer clothes. Laughter and hijinks ensued. But according to this study, women hiding clothing purchases from their husbands is a real problem in the US.
[M]ore couples in the US are hiding purchases from their partners: This year about 23% reported doing so, vs. 18% in 2008. For the second year in a row, clothing is by far the most likely purchase that women will hide from their partners, according to the survey.
Becoming financially "one" in marriage is challenging, particularly during economic downturns when budgets are tight. That's when disagreement over purchases, big and small, can spark regretful arguments. Starbucks causes the most spats in my marriage. It's amazing how much sin a cup of coffee can stir up (suspicion and envy come to mind).
One thing you can do is agree on a monthly allowance for each spouse to make guilt-free purchases. The trick, however, is agreeing on the amount of the allowance.
1. Louise from Chicago said the following at 3:48 PM on Feb 26:
When I was married getting my husband to stick to what Mr. Brown refers to as his "monthly allowance for guilt-free purchases" was a constant struggle.
It's not just women who overspend, folks!
2. Christina (in green) said the following at 4:12 PM on Feb 26:
heh.
the only purchases I've ever hid was before we even got married - wedding trousseau costs =p
From make-up to honeymoon attire, i refused to let him find out how much i spent.
He knew I was hiding it though and he let me =p
And yes, it mattered cuz I was paying for those purchases after the wedding bells =p
3. JuliaH said the following at 4:36 PM on Feb 26:
I wonder what the most common purchase men hide from their wives is and why that was not presented in the news release? This seems to promote an unfortunate stereotype about women.
4. DEH said the following at 5:36 PM on Feb 26:
My husband and I don't generally hide purchases from each other (except for the snacks that I know he uses his leftover change to buy from the vending machine at work--I often find the wrappers in the car. This doesn't really bother me though since the change money is "his" money). Sometimes one or the other of us spends a little more money than we should, but we discuss it and move on.
Our policy is that if it is "expensive" (for us, that generally means $20 or more since we don't have a lot of money), we always talk the purchase over first. This is what my pastor recommended to us in our premarital counseling, and it has been good advice. We usually talk the less expensive things over first too, though. In fact, I sometimes feel guilty for buying something like a Starbucks drink without telling him first, even though I know he probably wouldn't mind! And we do the monthly allowance as well. It's pretty low, but it's enough to let us feel like we have some "me" money. For the most part, all "wants" (other than food--that's our joint luxury purchase) come from the "me" fund, while all "needs" come from the general fund unless we have agreed together to use general fund money on a luxury purchase.
We also know each other's weaknesses. I tend to feel I can justify spending money on other people and buying things if they're on sale. My husband likes to buy things early if he knows he's going to buy them anyway rather than waiting and saving. We can thus help each other resist the kinds of impulse purchases that tempt us most.
These policies have worked well for us in our marriage thus far, though I'm sure they wouldn't work for everyone. Usually all it takes for us to agree about money is an in depth talk about how much money we have and what we need to spend it on now and what we want to save it for in the future. When we look at our finances in a long-term light, we usually have far fewer arguments about what we want to buy now.
5. k. said the following at 6:09 PM on Feb 26:
Wait a sec: there's two separate statements there. The first is that 23% of partners hide purchases. The second is that women are most likely to conceal clothing purchases. There's nothing to link the two. We don't know what percentage of the 23% was female, or what percentage of women who made purchases spent the money on clothing, etc. (Or what the men spent their money on, for that matter.) It's a really incomplete picture, and a *huge* logical leap to conclude that women's hidden clothing purchases are a "real problem."
That said, I agree it's a good thing to set ground rules about how much both parties can spend. :)
6. Becky said the following at 6:50 PM on Feb 26:
7,000 people worldwide does not a trend make! 1,000 for each country and assuming the same cultural attitude towards money and finances is just bad statics and a bad "study". I would agree with JuilaH, only mentioning women promotes a bad stereotype. I don't hide anything from my husband.
7. farmer Tom said the following at 7:01 PM on Feb 26:
3. JuliaH said,
You make two assumptions with this question, both may be true or false,
The first assumption is the men hide purchases from their wives,
I'm sure some do, but please do not paint all of us with that brush,
the only time I hide any kind of purchase from my wife is when I do not what her to know what I spent on a gift for her, period, otherwise, she knows any and all purchases I make with our money.
Your second assumption is that all men are the same, therefore the products that men who hide things from their wives purchase will be the same,
this is silly,
some mens hobbies are cars, some model trains, toy tractors, guns, the list goes on and on, to suggest that all men are the same is to misunderstand the male mind, the things men spend money on will be too widely varied to hazard a guess.
8. Cassandra Marie said the following at 11:34 PM on Feb 26:
To Farmer Tom (post #7)
You are correct that its silly to assume that all men would hide the same products from their spouses (assuming they do so at all of course). Not every man is the same.
However, its no more silly than assuming all women hide the same products. For me, I'm more likely to spend excessively on art supplies than I am on clothes.
Yes, all men are different. But so are women. I think its more accurate to say that all people are different, but that its possible men and women fall into certain trends, such as clothes for women, and perhaps hobbies for men. It certainly wouldn't be everyone. It would simply be a correlation.
9. Ronnica said the following at 10:29 AM on Feb 27:
I work in the credit counseling industry, and it pains me everytime someone says, "I can't tell my spouse about ___________." It's not an uncommon response, but it's not the way it's supposed to be.
And yes, I've heard this from men as well as from women. We're all sinners.
10. Julia H said the following at 11:45 AM on Feb 27:
Farmer Tom:
So you think that all women are the same?
11. Peter said the following at 1:00 PM on Feb 27:
Maybe it's just me, but the tone of this post comes off as a little (dare I even bring up the word) "sexist". The quoted snippet offers no indication as to which spouse is the secret spender, yet Mr. Brown is quick to point the finger at women and their constant need of wardrobe enhancment. I can speak from experience when I say that some of those over-priced designer suits can look mighty tempting to a man trying to keep up appearences in an office setting. For those of us who grew up watching Jane Jetson weekly snatching George's entire wallet when offered only a single bill or Betty and Wilma raising their husbands credit cards high with an exuberant shout of "CHARGE!" or Lucy desperately trying to hide that new hat before Ricky got home (wow, I really watched too much TV as a child) it's easy to fall into the mindset of women always trying to spend more of a man's money. I think the bigger question here is about the allocation of financial responsability in a biblical houshold. Sould the husband, being the sole bread winner, dictate to his wife what she can and cannot spend, or should finance be decided upon equally between husband and wife as loving partner?
12. Margaret said the following at 1:20 PM on Feb 27:
The comments so far seem to have assumed that women hide purchases, but men don't. Hello! Both parties are guilty at times. It's useless to over-generalize or pass judgement on one or the other.
13. farmer Tom said the following at 11:18 AM on Feb 28:
10. Julia H said,
Farmer Tom: So you think that all women are the same?
Yes Julia, they are all just like you, perfect in every way.
Ok, maybe not so much.
Please, give me a break, I was defending men, I did not address women and their behavior at all in my comments. My wife is a wonderful spouse, I praise God for her, some women are not nearly as gentle, loving and frugal in their behavior. No I do not believe all women are the same.
BTW, let me brag on my wife a second. She is not into this whole designer clothes thing, she's much too frugal for that. Recently she went to a second-hand store to find blue-jeans for our 3 growing daughters. They had a "fill a bag special" everything you can fit into a brown paper grocery bag for $5 dollars. She bought two dresses for herself, one of them never worn, still had the price tags on it, several pairs of jeans for the girls, and she even bought something for me. A XXLT black leather coat. All for five dollars.
14. Renee said the following at 12:53 PM on Feb 28:
It is impossible for me to hide purchases from my husband because he is a banker and monitors our accounts daily. Even if I got my own credit card I would still have to make payments to it that wouldn't go unnoticed. Fortunately he is ok with me spending money on myself if I just tell him about it first and be honest about how much it will cost. I think he feels that since I contribute to the income then he can't say no. It would probably be different if I didn't work. Then I would feel bad about spending money on things I didn't need.
15. Sarah P. said the following at 8:00 AM on Mar 2:
Farmer Tom (#13): BTW, let me brag on my wife a second. She is not into this whole designer clothes thing, she's much too frugal for that. Recently she went to a second-hand store to find blue-jeans for our 3 growing daughters. They had a "fill a bag special" everything you can fit into a brown paper grocery bag for $5 dollars. She bought two dresses for herself, one of them never worn, still had the price tags on it, several pairs of jeans for the girls, and she even bought something for me. A XXLT black leather coat. All for five dollars.
That is so awesome! I wish I knew how to do that -- find great bargains for the stuff I need. Good for your wife!
16. Tiffany said the following at 9:26 AM on Mar 2:
Good questions, Peter.
I, for one, believe that no matter who is working, any money earned in the marriage is BOTH partners' equally. At the moment my husband and I both work, but if I worked and he stayed home (an option we're considering when children come along), the money I made at my job would be ours. To be spent in complete agreement. I would not "give" him an allowance. That's patronizing and something appropriate only between a parent and a child. Not between spouses.
The same would be true should I choose to stay home with our children.
17. L said the following at 12:57 PM on Mar 2:
My husband is the sole bringer - in-of-money in our house. But we share it all. Just like we shared it all when I worked while he went to school. I payed for him to attend school and all his needs, anything for our household, travel etc. Now he does that. We are a family. We work together. That is what a family does. It is a dangerous thing to make someone's voice only as loud as their ability to bring home money. And it wouldn't be making each person equally part of the ONE.
18. Jo said the following at 1:20 PM on Mar 2:
Tiffany 16: "I would not "give" him an allowance. That's patronizing and something appropriate only between a parent and a child."
I think you might be misunderstanding the allowance idea. It's not one spouse giving the other an allowance, it's *both* having an equal allowance.
My parents did this. They each had a monthly allowance that they could spend on personal stuff for just themselves. The rest of their money was jointly controlled, and spent on things that were needed, or that they agreed to buy.
I think that's a great idea, and far better in my mind than having to get agreement for every personal purchase. If you have an equal amount each that is earmarked for your use, you can spend it without worrying whether your spouse will approve, and without getting their permission first. Meanwhile, the necessary stuff all gets paif
19. BDB said the following at 1:29 PM on Mar 2:
Reading L (#17)'s post, I think that idea is one that we've lost sight of. In my grandparent's generation, several siblings worked to put one through school at a time. One result is no student loans, and no financial burden delaying marriage.
20. Tiffany said the following at 4:43 PM on Mar 2:
Jo,
I agree with you. An equal spending "allowance" is a great idea and one that my husband and I have had great success with.
What I meant was if I made all the money and said, "Here's the $20 you can spend on yourself this week." Rather than agreeing to a set amount we both get to spend on ourselves.
Does the difference make sense?
21. BDB said the following at 4:52 PM on Mar 2:
Jo (#18) beat me to it. Though, I was thinking of simply "budgeting" discretionary spending. It might even be prudent to keep a separate savings account for each to save up for something. This discretionary budget can be used for gifts, too. Heck, maybe cosmetics should come out of the discrectionary budget, too...
22. Daniel B said the following at 1:18 AM on Mar 3:
I don't want to get too into my opinion on this since I am not married, so I thought I'd throw this out there to see what the wise married folks think :)
What's up with this "allowance" business? Why split any of your money into "his money" and "her money" - have not two become one? Why not have it *all* be hers AND *all* be hers.
That way, if he's spending money on anything, he's really spending his wife's money. And if she's spending money on anything, she's really spending her husband's money.
Basically, taking the principle of stewardship (the "All my money is really God's and not my own" sort of thing) and having both the husband and wife extend the principle to one another.
23. Tiffany said the following at 8:24 AM on Mar 3:
I won't speak for anyone else, Daniel B, but the reason my husband and I set aside a small amount for each of us to spend on whatever we want is just for ease and practicality.
I know that we each have (let's say) $100 a month to do whatever we want with. This has really cut down on any bickering over money. And it eliminates the need to ask each other about small expenses. I don't have to call my husband to see if I can spend money on Starbucks or a lunch out with co-workers. If I have the money in my given discretionary amount, then it's mine to spend.
It just helps us budget better and it seems the most egalitarian approach to discretionary spending.
24. Jo said the following at 8:47 AM on Mar 3:
Tiffany:
"Does the difference make sense?"
Oh definitely. I thought you'd misunderstood what Motte meant by allowances, but you obviously didn't. And I absolutely agree that the *other* type of allowance, given by the wage earner to the non-wage earner, is very unhealthy.
25. Louise from Chicago said the following at 9:38 AM on Mar 3:
Comment 13, that was good work!
:)
Louise