How Men Should End Relationships
by Steve Watters on 12/18/2008 at 10:48 AM
"How to End a Relationship Like a Man" is the feature today from the folks over at The Art of Manliness. And it might be just the thing a guy needs as he contemplates ending a relationship just before Christmas -- especially if he's considering terminating it like the guy does in the opening illustration:
"Matt's relationship status has been changed to 'single'
." The first time I saw this on Facebook I nearly choked on my bagel. Not only was Matt experiencing the black pit we call "breaking up," but he had to face the uncomfortable reality that his new status was being shared in real-time with 437 of his friends, co-workers, and associates.
I felt terrible for him, even thought about giving him a consolatory call ... until I found out from a mutual friend that his status change was actually his cowardly method for breaking up with his girlfriend. No phone call, no meeting, just a quick status change to let his partner know that things just weren't working out.
The amazing part of this story is that most of you reading it probably aren't all that shocked. It's not the first time you've heard of this dastardly deed or something similar. Somewhere along the line it became acceptable to hide behind the curtain of technology when faced with the unpleasantness of ending a relationship.
So what should men do differently? The Art of Manliness folks offer four guidelines (excerpted here):
1) Talk Early and Often ... The time of the actual breakup should not be the first time your partner is made aware that you have issues with how things are going. ...
2) Always End it in Person ... If you can't handle the prospect of ending a relationship in person, you shouldn't start one in the first place. ...
3) Be Clear ... One of the most telling signs that a break-up was not handled in the proper manner is when your partner walks away still unsure of exactly where the relationship stands or why things played out the way they did.
4) Be Considerate ... If possible, point out some of the positive things that came out of the relationship. Unless it was awful from beginning to end, there are most likely some good attributes of your partner that can be mentioned. In the end, try to be as much of a gentleman when ending the relationship as you were when you started it. ...
5) No Hanging Chads ... While phrases like, "Maybe down the road," or "Just not right now," may seem like a kinder, gentler way of breaking up, they are actually quite cruel if they are not an accurate representation of your feelings. ...
Christmas is not a great time to end a relationship, but for relationships that have run their course, it's best for men to end them like a gentleman.
1. Matthew said the following at 11:20 AM on Dec 18
These are good thoughts. I just went through a breakup, and while it was more mutual than anything else, I felt like the breakup was guided by these principles and that really helped things to end as well as they could. Having an older couple that had been doing some counseling with us to talk things through with was also a huge blessing.
Speaking of facebook, though... should you just de-friend everyone that you knew only through her?
2. Christina (in green) said the following at 11:20 AM on Dec 18
I did most of the breaking up in my relationships...
Oh wait...all the breaking up.
It was HORRIBLE. I was always approaching it quaking in my socks (I don't wear boots). I'd get a knot in my tummy, I'd start stuttering...
Especially when I broke up with my first boyfriend. The 2nd one was harder on me than on him because I had more feelings for him than he had for me (he just didn't have the guts to pull the trigger...or the motivation to, I guess).
It was so hard...and I don't think I did it right any of the times...except it was in person, and we had talked about the issues in our relationship before, and i did acknowledge the good parts...
But I could never walk away without leaving him any hope. And there was hope...if he made the right decision. But I shouldn't have let him think there was.
I don't think this should be limited to guys...definitly girls need this information, too.
3. obewan said the following at 11:20 AM on Dec 18
Gee. Does that mean it is fair game for women to end a relationship any way they see fit? Or, do only men end relationships, as the title implies.
4. Anna said the following at 11:20 AM on Dec 18
Man...I wish I could send this to my ex-boyfriend, if only for the informational value. A week before he broke up with me he was all "I'm so happy to be dating you," then from one day to the next he just said "I don't think we'll ever get married, goodbye."
He wasn't trying to be mean or hurtful (kindest man I've ever known who will be tought to beat), but fellas when it comes way out of left field, is accompanied by no further comments and is completely at odds with how you have been behaving in the past it is a double blow to a gal.
I think a good bit of this advice would work for both guys and gals.
5. Louise from Chicago said the following at 11:20 AM on Dec 18
And how should women end relationships?
:)
6. P&P said the following at 11:57 AM on Dec 18
This advice is great for both men and women, especially the part about "no hanging chads."
I also think this extends to remaining "friends" as well. Rather than leaving a glimmer of hope for the "breakee," it's best in the long run to give them the opportunity to put their energy into someone who really wants to be with them, not just and ex who can't quite let go.
7. IMO said the following at 11:57 AM on Dec 18
obewan, come on you know better than that...
this article was pulled from an all-men site...
I can totally see the same article on an all-women's site ...just titled "how women should..."
8. Steven M. said the following at 11:58 AM on Dec 18
Women should read this too; especially the in person part. Almost every time I've been broken up with it has been over the phone. I had one ex-girlfriend break up with me the day after my birthday and over AIM; after not talking to me at all on my birthday.
She chose the day after so she could maintain, and still does, that she didn't break up with me ON my birthday.
Definately if the guy is going to be the one breaking it off, he needs to be man enough to look her in the eye and tell her.
9. tip said the following at 11:58 AM on Dec 18
Good points, is there any extra steps if the person you are breaking up with is a big part of your social circle? Suppose the breakup is not mutual, and the dumpee probably needs the ties totally cut to move on. Is it the manly way to break up with a girl, to also leave her (and yours) social circle and/or limit contact with it to let her move on? If so, does the same apply to women who break up with their bf's?
10. Ken said the following at 11:59 AM on Dec 18
Steve, I have to say I'm impressed that Boundless is willing to look at non-Christian websites for good advice too.
I subscribed to the art of manliness with not much hope for it being any good, but surprisingly, it is actually a rather serious blog about manliness and while I may not agree with everything in it, it's far ahead better than the other stuff out there that masquerades as being a guide to being a man.
Thanks for the heads up.
11. Kate said the following at 2:02 PM on Dec 18
4) Be Considerate ... If possible, point out some of the positive things that came out of the relationship.
Considerate? YES! But is talking about positives of the relationship considerate? This could be confusing to the person getting the news, especially if said person is really surprised/in crisis and is simply at the point of trying to understand that the break-up is happening and why. Good attributes are not the reason why the break-up is happening, nor are they preventing it from happening... so it's not relevant at the time. Wouldn't they say, "well why are you breaking up with me then?" or, "well why wasn't that enough?" They are not going to be in the mood to reflect, and a line like "but see the positives in what we've learned from this," is just as phony and meaningless as the "we'll still be friends" line.
Plus, once you break up, you aren't responsible for comforting one another in a personal way anymore. (of course this is no license to be rude either)
In that sense, one thing I believe should be added is that when you break up, you must truly sever the relationship... not just say you're not in a relationship anymore. Do not continue talking on the phone, emailing, discussing the relationship in detail all the time, or otherwise spending time alone together in any way. If the former couple will continue an acquaintance or casual friendship because of being in mutual circles, new boundaries need to be created and both people need to adjust to the loss of their relationship in a way that is apart from the former partner. It can be hard if you actually cared about that person and you weren't particularly mad because it feels awful to see them feel so awful. But at this point, you cannot help them by being involved anymore. I see SO MANY of my friends drag themselves through so much because they do not understand this.
12. Ruben Ravatsås said the following at 2:03 PM on Dec 18
Wow. I just spent hours checking out the art of manliness blog. Thanks for the link. Didn't know such a site existed. I liked it :)
13. Jo said the following at 2:57 PM on Dec 18
Louise in #5:
The real question is, should a woman be 'initiating' a break-up to begin with? :P
(Yes, I'm totally joking.)
14. BDB said the following at 3:09 PM on Dec 18
Really?
I thought it was a 3-step process:
1) Set your Facebook status to "it's complicated"
2) Wait a couple weeks, then send a text that says, "I don't think things are going to work out"
3) Set Facebook status to "Single"
Technology has gotten so complicated...
15. Mike said the following at 10:01 AM on Dec 19
Always end it in person. Man or woman. Especially if you're out of high school!
For goodness sake, ladies, just give it to us straight. Nothing is more frustrating to a guy than the "maybe" world. I know women see more grey than black and white, but if you know, then we want to know, either way!
16. Kelly said the following at 10:03 AM on Dec 19
It's interesting, just how many women (out of my circle) have been caught totally unawares by a breakup. One minute everything's fine, the next minute, it seems like the world has crumbled because we've been dumped with no warning we could see.
(Then again, that tended to happen more when we were younger.)
And re: "5) No Hanging Chads "
I wasted a year holding onto hope for the man I was so sure would marry, because he told me "Not right now but maybe someday".
We do want to soften the blow of a break-up but this is not kind.
17. newt said the following at 10:03 AM on Dec 19
i know this christian whose ex (also a christian) broke things off thru an e-mail rather than face to face. the person had made a lot of sacrifices, too, including finding a new job and relocating to be closer to the ex. but then the ex ended things thru an e-mail of all things. and that was that.
it's weird too because i believe they're both faithful christians. relationships are always tricky to navigate even for christians who have the best intentions. maybe people don't want to hurt other people by breaking up face to face. it seems too confrontational.
18. Leah said the following at 10:06 AM on Dec 19
obewan (3) - the article came from a website aimed at men, so I doubt they are going to address women in their articles! Think about things a bit... I'm sure you'd figure that out yourself.
re: OP... I have never heard of someone breaking up this way. That's terrible.
19. mk said the following at 10:06 AM on Dec 19
AMEN P&P #6!! my closest guy friend has been stuck in a hanging chad for EONS now because he 'doesn't want to hurt her' and wants to 'stay friends.' he also thinks that 'she's changing' and that some of the past issues will 'go away soon.' so he wants to 'keep trying' so that he can 'be sure.' in the meantime, their endless cycle of breakups and makeups and attempts at dating are driving us, his friends, 'totally crazy.'
20. Bethany J said the following at 10:06 AM on Dec 19
I have to break up with someone very soon, and have been agonizing over it's being so close to Christmas, too. It's been nearly all long-distance and he is only just coming out to where I am again and I so wanted to be in person. But it is still so hard. Welcome to life, I guess.
I have adamantly maintained that my facebook status will NOT change until I have been married a year. Not sure if I will stick to that, but I definitely won't be putting anything up publicly until things are *very* sure.
21. B said the following at 10:38 AM on Dec 19
I'm with Anna...could've made the recent break up with my first boyfriend way easier on the both of us if he'd only read this first...
22. Melanie said the following at 10:44 AM on Dec 19
ugh txting is bad. I was dumped by my ex boyfriend by txt after being together like a year. Was in year 13 and had seen him all day at school, but he didnt talk to me, and I had no idea why. Got home, and he txt me saying "are we over? Blah blah blah" and that was that. I still dont even know what happened? lol.
23. rudo said the following at 10:44 AM on Dec 19
kate in 11
you are so right, about cutting contact, with my fist break-up i drifted back in, twice because of not cutting ties i knew better but he kept in touch and i felt double evil not to interact with him. now though i know much better. about doing it in person .The second time it took me over 9-months to finnally say it, i did it over the phone,- i guess i get away scott free here because am a woman (joking) if i had to do it in person it would have taken me over a year and i think thats not necessary, breaking up is hard on both parties, some people like me need to be excused on the "in person" part- i mean you may introduce the matter over the phone but meet at a later day(with the understanding already in place) to discuss what needs to be discussed.otherwise you may stay in just because you cant do it in person
24. Michela said the following at 10:44 AM on Dec 19
Or- you could always just attend a weekend gathering with 50 other people from your college and completely ignore your significant other the entire time.
That's a pretty good clue that it's not working out. =) I got the message. And I'm really not bitter anymore, I actually think it's rather funny! Especially since he did the exact same thing to another girl (same group of friends, same cabin) a year later!
25. Loris said the following at 10:45 AM on Dec 19
I broke up with my first boyfriend over email, but then I was 18, the relationship was long-distance, and my dad made me do it....
26. connectingus said the following at 10:45 AM on Dec 19
It's never easy on either party. This is great advice on how to do it right. There will still be pain and confusion but at least a positive appraoch will make it easier in the long run and the lng run will be a shorter time period.
27. obewan said the following at 10:58 AM on Dec 19
Leah #18
obewan (3) - the article came from a website aimed at men, so I doubt they are going to address women in their articles! Think about things a bit... I'm sure you'd figure that out yourself.
IMO #7...
-------------------------------------
I did catch the target audience and was not saying the men's website author should address women.
My comment was more addressed (tongue in cheek) at Boundless and their tendency to constantly ping on the men when it comes to relationship issues. Sorry if my comment seemed snarky.
Other posters have addressed my question about women in breakups too.
28. six said the following at 12:41 PM on Dec 19
Bethany J #20
I have adamantly maintained that my facebook status will NOT change until I have been married a year .... I definitely won't be putting anything up publicly until things are *very* sure.
____
I realize as a man, my opinion may be biased, but if I was your husband I might be a bit put off by this.
A year is far too long. I think you should change your Facebook status no later than six months after the wedding.
29. BDB said the following at 4:24 PM on Dec 19
six (#28) wrote:
>>A year is far too long. I think you should change your Facebook status no later than six months after the wedding.<<
OK, but what happens if the OTHER person sets their status as engaged to you at the time of engagement. Do you just "ignore" the request?
30. BDB said the following at 4:24 PM on Dec 19
Say - it just occurred to me - can you PROPOSE on facebook just by re-setting your relationship status and sending the request to someone? Has anyone tried that?
31. Michela said the following at 4:28 PM on Dec 19
#20 and #28:
A year?
Six months?
Really?!?!?
I would think that marriage is significant enough to warrant an immediate status change on Facebook. If you're making that kind of commitment, it surely is public knowledge by then.
Maybe this will become some new kind of marriage-ceremony ritual. "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status."
I'm kidding of course... I won't be including that in my marriage ceremony.
32. Paul Clutterbuck said the following at 4:37 PM on Dec 19
I agree with all those who say this advice is for women as well as men. I was engaged to a woman who was making all the right noises about getting married, saying "I couldn't imagine us not being together," and I so wanted that. Then within a day or so she dumped me without explanation. For me it was my first experience of a reciprocated relationship, and tho it's well over a year since we broke up I haven't been able to build another relationship since.
A few months later I did try again, but was scorned. The young woman was unclear at first, then three months later when the truth came out I decided to cut ties with the church we both attended. I'm glad I did, and circumstances in that church have since shown me that I did the right thing for myself as well as for her, but it was still very painful.
33. Bethany J said the following at 10:02 PM on Dec 19
six and BDB, I have thought about what to do if/when the guy changes his status. We'll talk about it, and I will respect and do what he wants, of course. I put myself as "engaged" once for April Fool's Day, and got a ton of comments... If he wants me to put something up when we're engaged, I will. If he doesn't mind either way, I may still be guilt-tripped into it, lol.
Michela, I have considered your point, that marriage is significant and definitely final enough to be public about as opposed to merely being "in a relationship". I guess it's just that I've always tended to be a rather private person, so it's almost that I don't want anyone to know so that I can enjoy myself and my new husband for a bit before having to broadcast to the whole facebook-world my new life. :) (Which I can do since I have few friends on facebook who live close to me or who are very close friends.)
The original point was that I'm glad I didn't change my "status" to being complicated for the past two years, and now have to change it since I am deciding it is high time to not be complicated anymore and to be free of it.
34. Keith said the following at 9:53 PM on Dec 20
It is pretty sad that anyone would need advice telling them not to break up over the internet. Isn't it obvious that you need face to face communication?
Even better, just never break up!! I am still with my first girlfriend, and I will never break up with her.
35. Joy W. said the following at 9:54 PM on Dec 20
Regarding the facebook status (not necessarily as related to break-ups), what about just leaving your relationship status BLANK?
When my ex and I first started dating (before our DTR), I wasn't ready to list myself as "in a relationship," but I didn't consider myself "single" either. So I deleted my "single" status and left it blank.
When we did have our DTR, we agreed that our relationship status wasn't necessarily something that needed to be announced to the entire world, so he switched his to blank too. (We were serving in ministry together, and we thought an official facebook status would start too much talking among the youth we work with!)
When we eventually broke up, it was one less painful step to have to go through, changing a status from "in a relationship" to "single."
I figure I'm going to stay blank, at least until I'm engaged, maybe married. Then I don't have to worry about changing it!
36. Jo said the following at 9:56 PM on Dec 20
Michela,
"Maybe this will become some new kind of marriage-ceremony ritual. "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.""
That would be HILARIOUS. I'm laughing just thinking about it...
37. Emily said the following at 9:56 PM on Dec 20
The key to ending a dating relationship:
Keep it clean, keep it simple, and keep it short.
The author really nailed it down here. The more vague the person is about breaking off a relationship, the more false hope it may give the other party.
Another thing I may add to piggy back on the author's advice is to avoid doing a post mortem and discussing every detail about why the relationship has terminated and to avoid any sort of contingency plan like, "if I get my debt paid off, we will get back together". I know from experience that it can be more damaging to both people and leave a huge mess and lots of relational baggage.
May God bless you and keep you throughout Advent, Christmas and the New Year.
38. Laura said the following at 9:58 PM on Dec 20
I would think that marriage is significant enough to warrant an immediate status change on Facebook. If you're making that kind of commitment, it surely is public knowledge by then.
(I know this wasn't what you were suggesting, but it reminded me...) I have an acquaintance who changed his relationship status to "Married" the evening of the wedding. I plan to have better things to do on my wedding night. :-P
39. Ariana said the following at 9:58 PM on Dec 20
So...it seems that the article that's really needed is how to navigate the world of Facebook relationships.
One easy solution is just not to list a relationship status at all.
Most people seem to be very sure of their relationships and want to show the world that they're together and will be together "forever". Maybe some of this is presumption and having to later tell the world that they broke up should be a clue that nothing is sure and final until it's, well, final.
I'm also in agreement about the no hanging chads thing. I have some friends who do this and it just seems very counter-productive for them. But I suppose people have to get over/through things in their own time.
40. BDB said the following at 10:00 PM on Dec 20
Michela (#31) wrote:
>>I'm kidding of course... I won't be including that in my marriage ceremony. <<
Yeah, you should both make the change via blackberry during the limo ride to the reception...
41. Mike Theemling said the following at 7:01 PM on Dec 21
Um, shouldn't this be the way to break up for both men and women?
Why should women be allowed to behave differently when they want to break up?
42. Tami said the following at 11:59 AM on Dec 22
A while back Facebook inadvertently changed a bunch of my friends' relationship statuses, and prompted some joking and some worry: the feed said, "so and so is no longer listed as married." Knowing these people, I knew they hadn't gotten a divorce! And a bunch of my friends changed their "status update" to read "I am still married!" or some such. :)
I also think blank may be the way to go. I totally understand wanting the world to know you're dating someone... OTOH maybe it prompts more questions people aren't ready to answer.
43. Michela said the following at 2:41 PM on Dec 22
Laura (#38) I have friends who recently got married, and both changed their status to "don't call me, I'm busy" for the whole week of their honeymoon. So Facebook is marriage-friendly! =)
BDB (#40) That's actually a really good idea...
44. tip said the following at 7:05 PM on Dec 22
#41 ...Ive been wondering the same. So what gives, is there different breakup standards for men and women?
Also, how does cutting ties post breakup fit in? I suspect there are many non-mutual breakups that happen in tight nit social groups. Such as in a small church group. Who gets the fun job of cutting ties in that case, the dumper or dumpee? Does it matter whether it was the girl or guy who ended the relationship?
45. Christina (in green) said the following at 9:09 AM on Dec 23
#41 and #44,
I strongly suggest you read the comments. Seriously.
Your points have already been addressed by more than you can count >.<
46. EconNicole said the following at 9:09 AM on Dec 23
I have always felt bad because I broke up with my first boyfriend, we had been together for six months, over the telephone. He was a five hour drive away and I just couldn't justify driving five hours to break up with him.
I think he did know it was coming. He should have. I had been down to visit about two weeks before. We had a huge fight pretty much everyday. He took me in a jewelry store to look at engagement rings (I didn't know that was what we were going in there for). When we left I told him flat out, I'm not even sure if this relationship is working, this is not the time to be thinking about rings. He still got really mad when I broke up with him and acted like he didn't know it was coming. I found out eventually that he was actually seeing another girl at the same time, so I don't feel too bad about the whole thing.
But given distance is a factor, is it still horrible to break up over the phone?
47. tip said the following at 10:55 AM on Dec 23
#45 Yes, a few people have raised the same questions. Perhaps a few others have said the rules apply to both sexes, but I think we are hoping to get boundless to comment someday ;-). I dont recall any opinions expressed about my second question about who should cut ties. Its a bit more personal because Ive been kind of forced to cut ties with an ex and an entire group of friends. She ended things in part so she could start seeing another guy (whom she told me she would not ever date a month before). Now Im in the position from her side of 'welcome to come' to our group (small church group, maybe 10-15 total people), but she wont talk to me because I just make her feel horrible, and I have to accept she'll invite her bf along at times (which i cant handle).
#46 The guy sounds like a dolt. I think the boundless blog just explained an ideal way to end a relationship. Doesnt sound like your situation fit well. In my opinion a phone breakup is perfectly acceptable when you are that far apart, under those circumstances. Granted if before that your relationship was going well, and the guy wasnt two-timing ya...then yes, maybe it would have been worth the trouble to drive out there. Tough call, though, in my experience when a relationship is over and getting back together isnt a real option...its best to cut all ties as soon as possible. So driving out to breakup may just delay that from happening. Either way...I think as long as you continue to love your neighbor (Mark 12:31-the person you are breaking up with) and put their interests first (Phillipians 2:4-again...the person you are breaking up with. That it is not about following a list of breakup steps, just having the right attitude when you do make that choice.
48. IMO said the following at 11:43 AM on Dec 23
"Also, how does cutting ties post breakup fit in? I suspect there are many non-mutual breakups that happen in tight nit social groups. Such as in a small church group. Who gets the fun job of cutting ties in that case, the dumper or dumpee? Does it matter whether it was the girl or guy who ended the relationship?"
Unfortunately it may just depend on who has known the social group longer and has stronger ties with them.
In my experience, I was dating a guy who introduced me to his social group (and actually introduced me to church, in general). Right around the time he broke up with me, I became a Christian. The only other Christians I knew were his friends. Amd the only church I ever attended was his church. I tried to maintain friendships with the social group...but it just didn't work out. I started going to a new church (which I strongly believe God led me to...I have a story to go along with it:-) ), got involved in the thriving college ministry and made new Christian friends. I'm sure that I could have still maintained my friendships from the old social group ...I guess it was a difficult time all around and at the end of the day, the Lord was there. And regardless of anybody circumstances and experiences, that is true. The Lord is there. He is here. And that never changes, no matter how I may feel or the circustances around me...
...trailing off now..
49. Farmer Dan (real - bovine_) said the following at 11:59 AM on Dec 23
Here is a really good way to end a relationship:
Win a Boundless T-shirt and go to the nearest single woman who and announce to her that you are single, 40, and Christian, and she will bolt!!!!
50. Lindsey said the following at 12:00 PM on Dec 23
I like the points you make. It is also important to note that after the "break up" conversation occurs, immediate distance must be made between the couple.
51. Christina (in green) said the following at 1:47 PM on Dec 23
#47,
Honestly, I think its whoever feels the relationship isn't working should be the one to break the ties.
Sorry, but I'm not gonna wait around for a guy who is abusive and head over heels in love with me to break up with me...especially since it'll be over when I say "no" to the proposal.
Or wait around for joe-slacker to get around to the hard part of breaking up even though he kinda likes me, but not enough and not as much as I like him.
Two instances where the girl did the breaking up...and I think I was right to do so on both counts.
Same applies to guys. If he's the one that feels the relationship is going nowhere, then he should cut the ties...not wait around until she gets the clue.
It can actually be quite cruel to keep someone hanging when you don't feel that way about them. Its best to let them go now rather than later...so they have the time to heal and then move on to somoeone else who has more potential of giving them the relationship they want/need.
52. Christina (in green) said the following at 2:14 PM on Dec 23
Concerning cutting ties and not ending friendships,
I really think that is a case by case. Definitly, during the healing phase, I think some distance needs to be had. But I don't know if that translates into leave your church and bible study (except if the breakup is really difficult on you).
I think its incredibly important to maintain as many civil relations between you and the other person as possible (meaning don't do anything that burns the bridge) so that when you're "all better", there's still some sense of community with mutual friends without any of the awkwardness of "whose side am i on?"
My first boyfriend, the breakup was really hard on him. In his attempts to keep himself away from me, he burned a lot of bridges by saying a lot of hurtful things to me. Oddly, I'm still friends with a lot of the people he introduced to me. But that doesn't leave them without the awkward moment of not knowing who to be loyal to.
My second boyfriend, we're still friends. But in his pursuing his next relationship, him and his new gf (new gf especially) did some things that seriously prevented the same community that we could have had if they had made better decisions.
Now I'm sitting with a $50 card on my kitchen table from them and they don't get to try out their dance moves on my wedding dance floor. Awkward.