Embrace the Middle
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 12/10/2008 at 6:03 AM
I'm right in the middle of about half a dozen projects. I can speak from experience that the middle is not so glorious. Generally, I start projects with great gusto. Then the pressure to finish sets in. Sometimes I simply lose motivation and the task sits on the back burner indefinitely. In her article, "The God of the Middle" Stephanie Voiland explores the sometimes-frustration of being stuck in the middle:
In the middle, you don't have the freshness—the hope and adrenaline—that comes with new beginnings. And you don't have the sense of completion or the relief of closure that accompanies the end. In the middle, it's often a matter of trudging ahead, one foot in front of the other—too far from the start to turn back, and too far from the finish line to even know how much further you have to go, let alone to see the light at the end.
While this middle malaise may be experienced in a job, living situation, ministry, education or almost anything, Voiland discusses how it middle-itus impacts her singleness:
I imagine the ending of my single status would be easier than this middle segment too. Not because marriage is easier somehow, but because of the perspective that comes when a chapter is closing. And maybe even more than that, because of the relief in knowing that there is, after all, an ending point to this season. Sometimes I think that's what gnaws at me most about this stage: that it might not be a stage, after all—that this is going to be it, indefinitely, till death do I part. Because, of all the good and gracious things God has promised me, marriage isn't one of those guarantees.
In one of my all-time favorite Boundless articles "A Season of Celibacy," author Jenny Schroedel tells her own story of weathering the "middle." She ended up regretting the anxiety that had plagued her single years:
I wish I’d had the wisdom to define myself as temporarily celibate — not available to men until further notice from God. Soon after my boyfriend and I broke up, I headed to Hawaii to work with a missionary organization. A few weeks later, I met a man with a laundry bag slung over his shoulder. He and I struck up a conversation that lasted through sunset, through dusk and late into the night. During that first encounter we each recognized our future spouse in the other person.
Jenny's story may not be typical, but she makes an important point: The ending point of singleness may come unexpectedly and without fanfare. Why not live in utter faithfulness in the meantime? Can that in any way be a bad thing? Though marriage is not a guarantee for singles who desire it, Voiland points out that singleness is not a permanent state:
Even if I never register at Macy's or wear a flowy white dress or "upgrade" to Mrs.—my single status will have an ending point. Regardless of how things end up from an earthly perspective, I will be a bride someday. After all this time stuck in the middle of awkward, limited human relationships, each one of us—married or not—will experience true, unconditional love. After all this time of waiting, the time will finally come when we will be the bride of Christ.
Don't underestimate the middle. You may look back one day and see that it was one of the most important seasons of your life.
1. obewan said the following at 7:01 AM on Dec 10:
Voiland wrote:
"Even if I never register at Macy's or wear a flowy white dress or "upgrade" to Mrs."
------------------------------------
Why is it we have to listen to yet another person who says married is "better" than single? What makes it an "upgrade" for someone who is already happy as a single? Such an attitude serves only to relegate singles to a second class status.
2. Sarah P. said the following at 8:12 AM on Dec 10:
Hear ya. But we're in the middle of things much more often than we are at the start or the end, it seems.
Perhaps it's possible to get into a rhythm and stagger things in different areas of life, so that you're always finishing something, always in the middle of something else, and always dreaming up a new inspiration. :D
3. Jennifer E. Jones said the following at 9:05 AM on Dec 10:
Well said, Suzanne. Life is made up of long stretches of waiting... whether it's a spouse, job, children, whatever. The middle can be a boring place, but if you work it right, it can be great prep for the next stage.
4. Suzanne said the following at 9:31 AM on Dec 10:
obewan,
For the author (and many singles) marriage is a perceived "upgrade." Let her have her opinion. :)
5. Christina (in green) said the following at 9:33 AM on Dec 10:
Ummm...Obewan, I think it was some facetiousness in it and that those who really want marriage actually do see it as an "upgrade".
And the quotations acknowledge that feeling while not giving it any real, legitimate weight =p (except for acknowledging that the feeling is there).
6. dana111 said the following at 9:35 AM on Dec 10:
I give this piece a hearty "AMEN"!!! I am in the middle of my last year of college, and though I have no job prospects, no real income, and no romantic opportunities, I am learning to depend on God for EVERYTHING! Thanks for the article. It is truly appreciated.
7. mary kate said the following at 9:43 AM on Dec 10:
Why is it we have to listen to yet another person who says married is "better" than single?
cause most of us (though, apparently not you) who are single want to be married and view it as better, that's why. sorry if you don't.
also, as i read the post and article excerpts, it appeared to me that the 'updgrade' was ms. voiland's opinion of her own status & desires, not a blanket statement about singles everywhere.
relax!
8. Priscilla said the following at 9:47 AM on Dec 10:
I love Michael Card's phrasing of this concept of embracing the middle -- "There is a joy in the journey," he says. Not just in the exciting beginning or the glorious destination, but the joy is truly there in the journey.
Suzanne, I've meant to say this before, but I really appreciate all your posts and articles on singleness. I save them to read when I'm feeling down. They're insightful, encouraging and real. I appreciate encouragement from my friends who are married, but it means so much more when a fellow single woman, someone else "embracing the middle" speaks with joy and encouragement. Thank you.
9. Jo said the following at 9:49 AM on Dec 10:
Obewan,
I think when people put 'upgrade' in inverted commas, they're suggesting that they don't necessarily agree with the conventional wisdom. I think her point was that though people may consider marriage an 'upgrade', it ISN'T inherently better than singleness.
I liked this post. :)
10. RJW said the following at 9:58 AM on Dec 10:
Voiland makes a good point about waiting to be the bride of Christ. With every day that passes we get confirmation that the middle stage between Christ's first and second coming is even more important than it was the day before.
With every day that has passed, it was given to us in the assurance that it was used for God's glory.
I think therefore the middle stage gets more important everyday and of course our anticipation for the final stage becomes greater with it.
I think, however, it is misleasding to draw parallels between this middle stage and waiting to be married. Some never will, and it doesn't make that stage any less important than being married. Rather, if we consider every day like God has intended us to- as a great gift to be more like Jesus before his return, then we will consider marriage, if and when it comes along as a change in how God wants us to serve in his kingdom- not as a higher or better state.
11. kaj said the following at 11:13 AM on Dec 10:
If women are to be "brides of Christ," then what are men?
12. Ted Slater said the following at 11:26 AM on Dec 10:
kaj (#11) -- it's a mystery. Collectively, all those whom the Lord has saved will become the "Bride of Christ." Our relationship with Him will reach its fullness in heaven. I, a man, will be included in the body of believers known as the Bride of Christ.
Again, it's a mystery that I do not sufficiently grasp.
The plural of that term -- "brides of Christ" -- does strike me as odd. :-)
13. kaj said the following at 12:36 PM on Dec 10:
Ted (#12):
I agree with your statement, "Collectively, all those whom the Lord has saved will become the 'Bride of Christ.'" (emphasis mine)
I also agree with you the plural term "brides of Christ" does sound odd. It almost sounds as if Jesus is amassing a heavenly harem of sorts!
When someone gets married, he/she does not marry an eye or an arm or a tendon, or even a pieces of DNA. That person will marry someone who collectively has eyes and arms and all kinds of parts, big and small. (see also 1 Corinthians 12:12-28)
The "bride" analogy, from what I read in the Bible, is used as an analogy to Israel collectively in the Old Testament (for example, the oft-quoted-out-of context Isaiah 54. I see in context it is addressed to Israel, not some unnamed widowed and childless woman) and of the Church in the New Testament (one example, manifested as the New Jerusalem in Revelation 21:2).
But to tell single women (or men, for that matter) that they are "brides of Christ" versus being part of the Bride of Christ may comfort some, but I see such an analogy as theologically flawed.
14. Kit said the following at 12:46 PM on Dec 10:
I do think it's true it can come at any time. As I prepare to be married after Christmas, I look back and think I didn't even know my spouse a year ago. Some people may say that's fast, people have, but it's the truth that we knew when we met. I saw him and somehow knew it wouldn't be the last time I'd see him, even though dating odds were not in my favor! Haha! He felt the same way, though he only just told me for him it was 'love at first sight.' I didn't believe him at first, as I always thought that stuff was silly before. A lot of Christians seem to laugh that off but it happens all the time. I was just talking to a lady in my church and it happened that way for them, too.
Take heart! A year ago I had never even met him! It's been a whirlwind, but a blessing as well!
You never know...
15. dana111 said the following at 2:54 PM on Dec 10:
I don't know if its just me, but I feel okay believing God for marriage, even though I know the Bible does not promise a spouse for everyone who desires one. Even with that knowledge, I believe that this is a time of preparation for me personally. I will not stop having faith for marriage. However, I will allow God to do whatever He wants to do at this time in my life. I trust God for everything, and I am trusting God for a husband when He deems it necessary for me to become a wife. Marriage is not a spiritual "upgrade," that is true. But, it does have great benefits for this earth, and it does model the spiritual relationship between Christ and His Church... for some reason, biblically, singleness does not provide the same model. God made it that way, whether we like to acknowledge it or not :)
16. DannieA said the following at 6:46 PM on Dec 10:
don't worry Obewan,
not all singles believe marriage is an 'upgrade'...if you're like me, I believe marriage is a different fork in the road...as long as the forks of singleness or marriedness leads you constantly towards Christ (by your own choosing) then we all end up in Heaven by God's grace :)
17. Kelly said the following at 8:00 PM on Dec 10:
Hmmm... Bride(s) of Christ. I've been pondering this one quite a bit lately. I'm in a season of loneliness, which causes me to cling to God, but I also crave that one-on-one interaction with a peer.
I imagine marriage is like that: having a 'go to' person who will listen to your troubles at the end of the day and at the same time, tell you all the crazy little stories from their own life (that are so interesting to you because you care).
In short, connectedness with someone who comes to YOU rather than anyone else. That sounds pretty special to me.
Yet there's no marriage in heaven? So what do we have instead? Can God really fulfil every single emotional need when he has every single (saved) human soul in existence to be with too? But he's Greater than us... what if we just want to chat to someone on our level?
18. Rachael said the following at 11:18 PM on Dec 10:
re: brideS (with the plural)
It is kind of funny that recently a florist asked me on the phone how many brides were going to be in my wedding...
19. obewan said the following at 9:17 AM on Dec 11:
Thank you DannieA for your encouraging words #16.
You expressed my concern better than I did with my OP. My point is that we are encouraged by Paul to be happy in whatever state we are in. During my younger years as a single, many well-meaning people pushing me hard towards marriage only made me unhappy with my singleness. If enough people imply that the single lifestyle is somehow second class (even if only joking), then somehow singles are going to start believing it. And it is contagious. Whenever I got together with my young single friends, all we did was complain about our situations. Now that I am with older singles (most of whom are divorced) things are a lot different. There is a lot more focus on spiritual things rather than getting married/re-married. I am a lot more content now, but I feared getting to this point in my life when I was younger - mostly because of what others were pushing at/on me.
20. a sassy sister said the following at 9:44 AM on Dec 11:
obewan, you wrote:
What makes it an "upgrade" for someone who is already happy as a single? Such an attitude serves only to relegate singles to a second class status.
I agree with your opinion, and Ms. Voiland seems to express hers about marriage being perceived as an upgrade. Singleness is not a problem, and it is definitely not a problem that can(or necessarily will) be solved by marriage. I sometimes feel that the church dangles marriage and family like a carrot as a means of social acceptance and approval for women in the church. The very concept of marriage as an "upgrade" in church for women to me shows that marriage and family has become of means of social (and spiritual) hierarchy in the church. Am I saying that the answer is to bash marriage or say that marriage isn't great or that singleness doesn't have its benefits? Absolutely not. What I am saying is that we cannot focus so much on singleness, marriage, and family that it becomes a means of identity and worth for the believer. Our worth and significance comes from Christ. The most dangerous thing we can do as Christians is allow the opinions of others(including well meaning church folk) to tell us who we are. Maybe it's me, but I think we are asking the wrong questions about singleness and marriage. Frankly, the "norm" should be that we are striving to be like Jesus and that others are drawn to Him by our attitudes, actions, and manners in which we conduct our relationships with others. That is something that can be done regardless of whether or not we marry and have children.
I think the best thing that Christians(married and single) can do is focus on the gospel and how we can use everything we have to promote the gospel and disciple others. In doing so, both marrieds and singles may have to re-examine some preconceived notions about what it means to spread the gospel and how to effectively do that as a single or as a married couple.
dana 111, you wrote:
Marriage is not a spiritual "upgrade," that is true. But, it does have great benefits for this earth, and it does model the spiritual relationship between Christ and His Church... for some reason, biblically, singleness does not provide the same model. God made it that way, whether we like to acknowledge it or not :)
You are correct in saying that marriage is for while we are here ON EARTH. But it is for the Lord's purposes, and not for merely the fulfillment of our desires. God did make mankind for relationship, but not specifically for the covenant of marriage. Both marriage and singleness have its benefits and responsibilities, and the best thing that we can do as believers in community is to celebrate marriage and singleness, really making a genuine effort to have real community as the body of Christ.
21. obewan said the following at 12:36 PM on Dec 11:
In relation to the "upgrade" debate, Christianity Today posted this article today on the question: "Why aren't you married yet?" (I don't hear it as much as I used to because I mostly hang out with singles at Church ie. No prying old couples like I used to encounter.)
http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/newsletter/2008/mind1210.html
22. Stephanie Voiland said the following at 4:54 PM on Dec 13:
I love reading everyone's comments! Just for the record...I meant for the quotes around "upgrade" to indicate some irony--that while many of us feel the pressure of marriage being better somehow, God wants us to live fully wherever he's placed us. The entire article might give more context:
http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/newsletter/2008/mind1203.html
23. Ty-Eshia said the following at 12:59 AM on Dec 14:
I too am single and young at that. I've also had to deal with well-meaning folks who try to define who I am, worry about me at all times (though, I have no clue why) and even tell me what to do with my life. I know that they don't mean any harm, but sometimes people like that should be avoided, because their advice and "right" answers to everyday life can seem like insults. I open for their advice but if it's not for my benefit than I'll rebuke it in a hot minute.
24. Lindsey said the following at 12:16 PM on Dec 23:
Thank you for this encouraging article. I too, need to learn to embrace the middle.
25. Lydia said the following at 10:05 AM on Feb 9:
Singleness =
Adventure! So exciting.
26. Ted Slater said the following at 12:31 PM on Feb 9:
In response to Lydia, as someone who has been both single and married:
Marriage =
Adventure! So exciting.