The "Wailing Siren" of Loneliness
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 10/21/2008 at 12:56 PM
I suppose it's finally time to admit that I am an extrovert. For years I have been telling people that I am an introverted extrovert. That I recharge with alone time. But I'm pretty sure that's not true anymore.
Take this weekend for example. I deliberately made no plans so that I could get some things done — clean my room and bathroom, mop the kitchen floor, work on a writing project. I turned off my phone. I didn't go on Facebook. I drank an entire French press...twice.
By the end of the weekend I was terribly lonely. The absence of people highlighted that empty spot that I suppose is always there. In his article "The Gift of Loneliness," Peter Nadeau describes that gnawing feeling of alone:
If there's an organ in the body that causes loneliness, I'm sure it's located near the stomach. When I'm really hungry I'll eat anything—lettuce, ice, dried pasta, frozen peas. The same is true when I'm lonely. I'll look anywhere or do anything to stop the hunger.
I know I'm lonely when I check my e-mail, click on another site, and then check my box again to see if mail came in. Maybe I missed something. Sometimes I dial the voicemail on my cell phone to check for messages, even though the very colorful and accurate display screen reads "no new messages." Maybe the screen messed up. When I get home from work, my first stop is my office to check my phone. Aha! The little green light on my caller ID box is flashing. A new message! I dial into the system. I punch in my code. I wait. I frown. I hang up. Another telemarketer wants to sell me solar heating for my pool.
I can relate. I try to avoid these lonely moments as much as possible. But perhaps loneliness serves an important purpose. Nadeau explains that Adam felt incomplete before Eve, but it allowed him to recognize that God had more for him:
I know too many singles who pretend they aren't lonely and pretend they don't care about marriage. At times, I fight the same temptation. It's easier to deny the angst of being without a soulmate than to step into the abyss of loneliness. Stifling a desire makes us feel in control; acknowledging a desire makes us vulnerable. Yet a desire that isn't open can't be filled. Adam's experience reminds singles that loneliness is normal and necessary.
This is affirming to me, because often I grow weary of the single life. I want to throw in the towel because everything seems out of place in my life. I took a wrong turn somewhere. I need a new job. I need to change churches. I need new hobbies. I need new friends. I need to move to a new city. Yet when I calm down and take a good look at my life, I realize I actually like my job and my church. I enjoy my hobbies. I value my friends. I love where I live. I'm just out of sorts because I feel unconnected. But it's okay; I should. Adam had the same feeling until God gave him Eve. We're made for so much more. Loneliness is the wailing siren that doesn't let me forget.
The way I chose to deal with my loneliness this weekend was by reading Ephesians 6 and reminding myself of the need to put on the full armor of God. Nadeau points out that loneliness drives us to God:
Loneliness brings me to a place of submission and surrender. The weight of a lonely heart is too great a burden for me to bear. I struggle, strain, and grit my teeth to carry the load, but it becomes too much. I'm forced to lay it at God's feet and let him carry it. Surrendering our desires for intimacy to God isn't the same as stifling those desires. When we surrender our desires for romance to Christ, we admit we aren't in control of this area of our lives nor do we want to be. We heed his call to patience. We wait for his best. When we kneel before our Father with uplifted hands, we have his promise that when we ask for bread, he won't give us a stone.
And ultimately, loneliness isn't a single problem; it's a human problem. God meets our need for community and connection in this life in a variety of ways: marriage, family, Christian fellowship. But our lonely moments also remind us that this world is not our true home. It's good to remember that now and then.
1. mary kate said the following at 1:12 PM on Oct 21:
GREAT post. been there, many times, and will be again i'm sure.
2. Christina (in green) said the following at 1:29 PM on Oct 21:
Hmmm...interesting conclusion that you think your an extravert because you were lonely =p
I'm an introvert - hard core...scored 18/20 on the I-E portion of the Myers-Briggs.
But seriously, I HATE being totally isolated! I need family around me and available to me 24-7 or I feel like I'm the loneliest person on earth. However, i can't be in the same room as people 24-7...I MUST have a place I can retreat to if necessary...
I totally get what your saying, though! I came to that conclusion a while ago while rebelling against the whole "I kissed dating Goodbye" sessions that my youth group was having. I was like, we NEED relationships...why teach us to give them up completely rather than teaching us how to build God-honoring relationships?
3. obewan said the following at 1:31 PM on Oct 21:
The OP said:
">>And ultimately, loneliness isn't a single problem; it's a human problem. God meets our need for community and connection in this life in a variety of ways: marriage, family, Christian fellowship.<<"
------------------------------------
The last part of that statement assumes people marry well.
I have talked to several divorced singles at church that said they were more lonely when married than when single. One of them even used the abondonment clause in the Bible to justify their divorce. They stretched it to include "emotional abandonment".
Yes, I would like to be married. However, I don't get lonely when I spend time in fellowship with the two Christian singles groups I attend.
4. Read said the following at 1:59 PM on Oct 21:
Suzanne, I'm the same in a lot of ways. I like to have time to myself to be able to read and compose my thoughts and plans, but I draw tons of energy from being around people. I'm reminded of that every Sunday.
I think the term loneliness really doesn't fully quantify what it is we are feeling. To me, it's a deep yearning for authentic intimacy with another person. I have lots of friends, but so many times it seems like our interaction is superficial or trite. I can only talk about movies and tv shows for so long. Especially right now when my church is doing a series on materialism and the lack of authenticity in the church. I want more! I want something real! But at the same time, I don't want to offer false intimacy and potentially defraud a sister.
Does anyone have some good suggestions on ways to tackle this type of feeling? Other than watching a whole lot of football!
5. Nathan said the following at 2:12 PM on Oct 21:
***********
I'm just out of sorts because I feel unconnected. But it's okay; I should. Adam had the same feeling until God gave him Eve. We're made for so much more.
***********
Here we go again with the theme that marriage is "so much more" than singleness.
Let's promote a better theme: we were made for something different than a life of loneliness.
That difference may include marriage and it may not. Whichever the case, long bouts of loneliness are a warning sign that something is wrong with any of the types of relationships available to us -- family, friends, church, God & maybe even self.
6. 'Guerite ~ BoldLion said the following at 2:53 PM on Oct 21:
I don't like being alone, but I am a people person and love to be around people. If I am home alone, I am online all the time. We all need to be involve in wonderful Christian fellowship with one another.
As for me to study and eat His Word, I do a lot better way from home. Such as out to eat at Pizza Inn. I eat alone and eat His Word alone at the resturant. Don't ask me why! I haven't be able to overcome this problem. I had try and try at home and have to force myself to do it. I am not good at doing it at home alone. But I have to save $$$ in everyway and work at it at home.
Single for Christ until He call me to be married to a wonderful Christian Man,
'Guerite ~ BoldLion
7. Carrie (the original) said the following at 3:08 PM on Oct 21:
I came to the conclusion awhile ago that there is a difference between solitude and loneliness. I am all for solitude - time alone for re-charging - but too much solitude leads to loneliness.
The Lord has been gracious in allowing me to have a somewhat scheduled week. I know that there are nights when I have garaunteed fellowship/social time. It makes my down nights all that much more bearable and enjoyable. Some times, when the loneliness does strike, I decide to get off my duff and go do something - usually internet surfing at Starbucks.
Free minutes after 9 p.m. help, too. :)
8. Kirsty said the following at 3:18 PM on Oct 21:
Thanks for your post.
At present, God is teaching me from every aspect of my life, every which way I turn, the need to find my satisfaction in Him alone. It can't be found in other people or things or more preferable situations. Loneliness is a goad that God uses to point us back to Him and to make us turn our faces up to Him.
9. Tara said the following at 3:29 PM on Oct 21:
I'm definately an introvert but I prefer having people around...even if they're in the next room. An empty house feels oppressing & hollow where my very thoughts to seem to echo down the halls(am home alone now...)
I believe God designed us to be in relation with not only Him but with other people--introverted or not. Yes, He is our primary relationship but without intimacy (either romantic or platonic) with other people I think we're always going to have a touch of loneliness. The key, I think, is finding contentment and peace inspite of the loneliness in situations where we can't control--we can't make men marry us or we can't force the other girls in church to become our "BFFs". And that peace & contentment can only come from the security of our identity in Christ...in the knowledge that He loves us as no other human can.
But we still need each other.
10. Suzanne said the following at 4:01 PM on Oct 21:
So the extrovert/introvert discussion and the loneliness discussion may be two separate things. :) However, I had trouble coping with a relatively small dose of alone time, so I'm thinking I may not be a true introvert.
Nathan, I like your theme. Amen!
11. BDB said the following at 4:54 PM on Oct 21:
Hmmm...I wonder how much of this is about being comfortable with independence. I remember when I'd sit in business meetings and didn't bother shutting off my cell phone. My staff wouldn't call me unless it really was something serious. But I watched other people whose staffs constantly called them about the littlest things. It was like they were incapable of making a decision without getting permission. I see it even worse with those people addicted to texting. They can't go 30 seconds without looking at their phone.
Cell phones and e-mail were rare when I was in college, let alone texting. If we wanted to talk to someone, and they didn't answer their dorm-room phone, we had to WALK to go see them. Across campus! The horror!
I really think that our technology gets us used to being in constant contact with others. We used to write letters, which took DAYS to reach the recipient. Oh no! But a well-written letter was something to be treasured and re-read.
I've noticed that those who are constantly in the presence of others tend to not acquire the habit of reading. I've also noticed that some people can talk for hours and hours and hours about absolutely nothing.
The giants of the faith all talk about the value of meeting God in a quiet time. It is a skill that is cultivated over time. If we want to grow in our walk with Christ, we need to be able to shut everything off and listen. The more you practice this skill, the better you will get at it.
12. Mike said the following at 6:18 PM on Oct 21:
Great post! Couldn't help but think of Switchfoot's "Meant to Live" while reading this.
I guess when I'm feeling really lonely, I just try to remember, as others have posted here as well, that the Bible's greatest men were terribly lonely, Adam, David, Jesus Christ. They wanted to know and be known and still were broken hearted. If they experienced it certainly I can deal with it.
I also try to remember that I'm not so important. Our society inundates us with messages of self-absorption and its really hard to resist. I guess, and its not easy, when I'm really lonely I try to think of something nice to do for someone, or a way I can serve someone or something. It doesn't always help but I haven't found anything other than this or prayer to help.
I agree, Read #4, its probably also why football is on all weekend...it helps for a while! :)
13. Esther said the following at 7:23 PM on Oct 21:
My Bible study group just went out the door a little while ago. My house now feels more quiet and lonely than before.
I love hosting the group, it's fun and laughter, prayer and thoughfulness and food and noise. It would probably drive me crazy if they were here all the time, but it's great to have the energy and encouragement of joyful people in my life.
Yet, it only happens once a week, the rest of the time I just rattle around in here. The original post describes me well; eventually I get restless, and start wondering if I need a new job, a new group, a new home. Maybe that's why I've moved every year for the last 8 years! I keep looking for a place to put down roots, and while I feel that God has good and productive things for me to do here and now (and I'm doing them), the loneliness creeps in around the corners. Now that I live far away from my family, I call it homesickness, and look forward to 'going home'.
I wonder, though, if this loneliness, this discontent will last all our lives. We ARE supposed to be strangers and sojourners in this life, looking towards our eternal home. This isn't supposed to be where we feel comfortable and complete.
14. Jeffrey Whiting said the following at 8:14 PM on Oct 21:
Loneliness is a product of longing, which according to St. Augustine is one of the ways the heart learns to desire God and hope for everlasting life:
"Brethren, let not your instruments of music rest in your work: sing one to another songs of Sion. Readily have you heard; the more readily do what you have heard, if you wish not to be willows of Babylon fed by its streams, and bringing no fruit. But sigh for the everlasting Jerusalem: whither your hope goes before, let your life follow; there we shall be with Christ."
15. Rachael said the following at 9:00 PM on Oct 21:
Read,
You could join or start some kind of interest group or Bible study. The Bible study could be with a few people and totally low key. It could be where you decide to read through a book(s) of the Bible and meet together at a coffee shop to discuss it. Involvement with church ministry or groups that have a vision/purpose you'd like to share might help curb some triteness. Perhaps when shallowness happens, we could also remember that if we rub elbows enough times with people, at some point more depth might pop out as trust & comfortability are built up.
It's awesome you don't desire to offer false intimacy with a sister. "False intimacy" is complicated because on the one hand, I think it would be something beautiful if two best friends developed into something more and ended in marriage. On the other hand, there is a huge risk that only one of the people will become attached and suffer heartbreak. So some level of caution with that would be ideal.
Anyway, please know that there's hope to have depth with people. You could even host deep conversations gatherings. :) I attempted that before...
I think if you meet a group to seriously discuss the Bible or to do a common interest that the conversation may not always be completely shallow...
Good luck!
16. brx said the following at 11:24 PM on Oct 21:
"Adam's experience reminds singles that loneliness is normal and necessary."
Neat insight! Thanks. And hey, ambi-verts are ok too. A bit of each makes a good balance. :)
Grace, peace & adventure!
17. Lee said the following at 11:45 PM on Oct 21:
I wanted to highlight your conclusion, Suzanne, that "God meets our need for community and connection in this life in a variety of ways: marriage, family, Christian fellowship. But our lonely moments also remind us that this world is not our true home. It's good to remember that now and then."
I think one of the hardest part about life is dealing with solitude/loneliness and everyone needs to learn to deal with it eventually. In a media saturated culture, it's easy to 'fill the void' with busyness, distractions, etc., but it prolongs the inevitable - our longing for God and to spend time in His presence. Even a "marriage, family, Christian fellowship" will let you down at times. I haven't fully figured it out, but I know sometimes I just need to rest in Him.
18. Lena said the following at 7:21 AM on Oct 22:
Lonliness is definitely meant to call us to God, because ultimately, all people are finite. Even if we are blessed with a husband and invest in our friends, those people cannot always be what we need. I married a year ago and have a fantastic relationship with my husband - except that several months ago he was deployed to Afghanistan! This season of our marriage is remarkably like the times that I spent single. People, even awesome spouses, are only a part of the solution.
19. Rachael said the following at 10:28 AM on Oct 22:
Esther (13) wrote: "I wonder, though, if this loneliness, this discontent will last all our lives. We ARE supposed to be strangers and sojourners in this life, looking towards our eternal home. "
--> This earth is a tent, a temporary dwelling...yeah I wonder if some level of discontentment or at least not full satisfaction will be with us for our whole lives. Might not be lonliness for everyone, but I think because of the presence of sin, there will always be some level of discomfort. Yes, in Philippians Paul wrote that he learned the secret of being content in any and every situation. But his life wasn't struggle free and without internal wrestling. He was a firm believer in grace, though. And his faith was rich.
Think often we/I desire a lack of struggle... But at the same time, from a faith perspective, God is ultimately in control and can work in us in times of suffering.
I liked what I saw recently online in a conversation between CJ Mahaney and John Piper. In it Piper said: "Don’t begrudge the seminary of suffering." This was in reference to advice about preparing to preach, but, I like the idea -- "seminary of suffering." If we view our suffering as opportunities for growth, I think it would be a beautiful faith-deepening experience and could encourage others in their faith.
I should adopt the attitude of the 'seminary of suffering' and go to God and meditate on His Word to be better equipped for life's battles.
Should, should, should....I know "should" doesn't suffice.
20. salley mae said the following at 10:44 AM on Oct 22:
Last year, every day for me was like that weekend SUzanne described. Loneliness literally hurt.
21. Jen from CO said the following at 1:14 PM on Oct 22:
Hmm. Interesting. I find that those moments when I feel most lonely are when I'm surrounded by people. But maybe I'm just weird.
I do love being alone, though. I carefully guard my solitude. My neighbours enjoy telling me that most of the time they don't even know when I'm home, I'm so quiet.
Then again, I am deeply introverted, an only child, and freakishly independent. The challenge for me is to realize that, instead of getting too comfortable playing the hermit, it's actually good for me to be a part of a community. Which I am. And I do enjoy it.
But every so often (averaging once a month, it seems), I need to retreat from it all and be alone, or I go crazy.
22. Vanessa said the following at 5:39 PM on Oct 22:
While I very much value my alone time, living on my own over an hour away from any close friends and states away from any family has taught me that being alone and being lonely are two different things.
Being alone to pray or recharge or even just get lost in a novel for an hour or two help me to keep my sanity after a day at the office. Entire weekends stretching out with nothing productive to do and nobody to spend it with is a completely other story.
I love being alone. I dislike being lonely. The older I get, the more I desire to be married...and the lonelier I feel when I'm in a protracted state of alone-ness.
I'm not introverted and am a very social person in most occasions. However, after being around people for awhile, I require some "alone" or "downtime" to just decompress.
Needless to say, as soon as my lease is up in my apartment, I'm moving back to the bigger city where my church and friends are waiting. God blessed me with another new job that is tailor-made for me and I'm so excited!
23. Amanda L said the following at 8:42 PM on Oct 22:
I totally agree with the fact that many singles "fake" not being lonely. It is hard to be around my single friends sometimes since their outward appearance and attitude toward their lives are so positive. They are embracing their independence and freedom to do whatever they want. It makes me feel like I'm weird to want to be in a relationship that leads to marriage. I recently had a conversation with a single friend who stated that they really do want to settle down, be married and have a family. I think it is easy to have an outward appearance of being content, but much harder to be honest with our close friends about what we truly desire.
24. Stuart said the following at 2:16 AM on Oct 23:
I'm loneliest when at Church...
25. Melissa said the following at 5:10 AM on Oct 23:
Beautiful post, and well-timed. (God is good!) I struggle with loneliness and the constant need for a new city, new friends, new hobbies, etc. One book that I've found very helpful is Elisabeth Elliott's The Path of Loneliness. She does a wonderful job of reminding me that loneliness draws me closer to Jesus, who understands my hurt because he also felt the ache of being alone. To God be the glory!
26. Sarah P. said the following at 10:02 AM on Oct 23:
Can I recommend a book? "How to Win Over Loneliness," by John Edmund Haggai. It is a short, pithy, excessively practical book that I have read three times this last year. A lot of y'all's posts remind me of it. Rachael (#19) talks about the benefits of suffering. BDB (#11) writes of the discipline of quiet. Carrie (#7) differentiates loneliness and solitude.
I have found this website so helpful in showing me how to acknowledge where I am -- I feel my heart moving toward marriage. But nor do I think it will salve all loneliness. Someone in this thread wondered if loneliness is the condition of life. I think so. This world rubs against us awkwardly because it is not the way it should be. But in the irritation, God turns us into pearls.
I think it is quite possible to acknowledge my desire for marriage and pray for it with eyes open to the men around me -- and still fill this time for worthwhile activity that gives me joy. For example, I am organizing a Christian film festival for next April, documenting the process on film, and building a website. :D
27. Tami said the following at 10:45 AM on Oct 23:
Wow, Stuart. I'm sorry to hear that. I have been there and can relate. Hope this doesn't sound like a "pat answer", because it's not -- but I'll be praying for you and your church.
28. ally said the following at 11:14 AM on Oct 23:
24:Stuart,I second that.
I love my church. I love my people. They are amazing and there's no other place I'd rather be.
But sometimes, those bridal/baby showers do sting.
I just tell God that I am lonely in those times. and He always says, "I know.But you'll be ok. I love you. Trust me."
So I cry a bit there, and smile again. It's not fake. It's peace God gives me. I admit my lacking. I acknowledge my longing. It stings, but I do trust Him.
29. LL said the following at 11:22 AM on Oct 23:
I have friends, a roommate, and family all within close proximity to me, and I can count on them to keep my days busy, but most times I feel lonely because I don't have a boyfriend.
Before I became a Christian, I used to date all the time and sometimes it's easy to want to go back to that. Other social activities cannot eclipse the feeling of someone you like checking up on you and the anticipation before you hang out.
I do think having a good relationship with God and being in a good church is absolutely essential to combating loneliness because your hope and faith will fade otherwise. Also, despite my longing for a relationship (a Godly one), I totally agree that you can feel even more lonely in a relationship if two people are not on the same spiritual/emotional level. There is nothing more isolating than being physically near someone and worlds apart in thought.
30. Ashley said the following at 11:43 AM on Oct 23:
I agree Stuart. You are not alone in that.
31. BDB said the following at 11:24 AM on Oct 24:
Jen from CO wrote:
>>My neighbours enjoy telling me that most of the time they don't even know when I'm home, I'm so quiet.<<
I had neighbors once who referred to me as "the shadow" because every once in a while they saw me, but I never made any noise. I tried to explain that graduate students are usually quiet because they need to study...
I would caution people against assuming marriage will cure loneliness by itself. I know another women who are very distressed that their husbands are not interested in spiritual things - they won't go to church or a small group if their wife doesn't drag them. On the other hand, I also know women who can't find the time to read a nonfiction book - they'd rather shop or gossip. There should be something on your "list" that includes something in common to talk about. If you get involved with someone who is spiritually uncommitted, expect them to change the subject every time you bring up God.
32. dale said the following at 6:58 PM on Nov 6:
stuart, i agree. i just ran across this blog and i want you to know u have a lot of company. my story is this: i was married to a wonderful godly christian woman for 15.5 years. in sept. 2005 she weighed 357 and had a gastric by-pass. by nov 06 she was down to 165. on thanksgiving weekend she came up to me out of the blue and said she didnt want me anymore..we had just gotten into our nice house 8 months b4 and she kicked me out, then she lost the house(at least i got her for contempt for not paying mortgage).to make this short, she moved into an apartment 3 weeks after final divorce day and then got pregnant with guy in next apartment. she was preg 7 weeks after our divorce. she didnt know him until then, i guess. she is now divorcing him because he is a drunk..we have shared custody of our 2 kids. anyway, back to church, we went there for 18 years..she doesnt go any where now but i still attend regularly but it hurts so bad. almost everyone there is coupled off and they all look so happy it makes me hurt. i dont say anything to anyone, but i feel so disconnected.the sunday school class is about 20 people and i am the only guy that isnt married. matter of fact, this weekend they are having a activity and i just cant go to these. nobody understands until they go thru this. our sunday service in the am runs about 350 and i feel like i am all alone..it has been almost 2 years since our breakup and i havent even been on one date. i feel that i have been ready but at 46 years old, there are not any women to ask out. they are all married, dating, or too old or too young..my friends all work weird hours and i hardly ever see them. when i have my kids i am fine, but when they are gone i feel useless .i sometimes get so lonely and heart-broken that i have even asked god to take me..loneliness is the worst emotion i have ever dealt with..somedays its better and then some its not
33. Julie said the following at 3:35 PM on Dec 2:
wow, I just happened to be browsing and found this blog and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Lately Ive been feeling really alone. My friends get together and sometimes, I don't get invited. That leaves me feeling empty and once again realizing that I care too much. Its quiet painful. I've really been praying because I feel so attatched to my friends and I know its unbalanced and unhealthy. God needs to be first but when I'm more excited over a new message or an opportunity to get together with friends- somethings wrong. I appreciate this blog because I am being vulnerable and open before God telling him that I do feel alone and like you said its only then that God can fill me! Thanks for the blog
34. Charisse said the following at 6:25 PM on Dec 5:
God I am so sorry for putting anyone before you... please forgive me...I pray that you will be first in my life and in the life of the Godly man you promised to bring into my life...help me to deal well and successfully in this hopefully short season of loneliness... please help the others who feel the pain and hurt of loneliness too...
35. David D said the following at 10:33 AM on Dec 8:
Well, I can honestly say I've never been lonely in my life. As long as I have myself, I'm fine, dispite whatever Peter Nadeau says, I'm not in denial, I just don't care. In fact, I prefer to be alone. What's wrong with that?